The End.

It is with much sadness and trepidation that I bring you my final 24 review... ever (unless there's a movie... come oonnnn Hollywood!). Last night was truly the end of an era. When 24 began 8 seasons ago it was groundbreaking television, a new format (real-time) that kept viewers on the edge of their seats while providing a different action experience than anything had before it, or has since. And while it got formulaic and insanely ridiculous at times (because Jack is so awesome, of course), it never stopped being entertaining, especially for me and my college friends, who made Monday nights with 24 a religious experience. So as a tear slowly makes its way down my cheek, I move on to my handy character key that you all know and love.



1) Arlo Glass - Turned into quite the dependable computer geek, helping Chloe in her quest to find and talk-down Jack, as well as being a one-man techie beast at the end when he was literally the only one left in CTU that could do anything because Chloe had to run the show. Aside from him thinking BITCH was actually good looking, he was a cool dude.

2) BITCH - STILL DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

3) Charles Logan - Absolutely loved the look on his face as he sat in Jack's cross hairs while waiting for Russian President Suvarov to come to the room so Jack could kill him, which Jack was eventually talked out of by Chloe because he would have started a war between the US and Russia. Logan was all cute and happy when he though Jack was dead at the end, but then so sad when he wasn't that he killed Pillar through a pillow and then committed suicide... only he couldn't even do that right so now he's still alive with significant brain damage. Logan is now a vegetable!

4) Chloe O'Brian - The only main Jack friend who made it through to the end of the series, for which I give her mad props. Was choked out by Jack when he didn't want her interfering with him assassinating the Russian President, but she got her revenge when she shot him as part of their plan to get the evidence of the conspiracy out to the press. Chloe always had Jack's back, and was 100% loyal until the end. I'll miss her sarcastic jokes and frumpy face in my life.

5) Cole Ortiz - A man torn between getting the truth out and being afraid that Jack was going to ruin his shit at any moment. I enjoyed Cole overall, what with his "authentic" New York accent and his superior sniping skills. He was a good help to Jack at times, and that is always appreciated.



6) Renee Walker - A moment of silence please in memory of my second favorite redhead.














Thank you.

7) Jack Bauer - What is there to say about Jack? He has given me 8 seasons worth of television bliss by breaking out one badass move after another. No man will ever be as great as Jack Bauer, hands down. While he should have killed the Russian President and started a war (because what is cooler than that), he redeemed himself ridiculously fast by ripping Pillar's ear off WITH HIS OWN MOUTH in an effort to buy Chloe time to upload the evidence file. He ended up being kidnapped at the end so he could be executed, but President Taylor intervened in time, and just like that... he was gone. I thought his final words to Chloe were appropriate, and I hope Jack finds joy in whatever life he's moving onto that hopefully avoids both the US and Russian governments, both of which want to capture him. Typical.



8) Jason Pillar - Logan's right-hand puppy dog was in a boatload of trouble when Jack kidnapped him in his own car (which involved a SICK camera reveal of Jack in the back seat), made him take him to the UN where he stitched Jack's wounds at gunpoint, was then knocked unconscious, then woke up, went upstairs and had his left ear eaten off by Jack. Thought he was in the clear at the end, but then they found out Jack was still alive, so Logan cracked him in the head with a glass jar, then shot him in the face through a pillow. Not a good day at the office!

9) Allison Taylor - Was guilty as all hell when Dalia Hassan gave her the pen from Omar for her to sign the treaty with the IRK and the Russians, and got cold quickly when Hassan threatened to pull out of the treaty when she said she would bomb the IRK to hell. Showed us that drinking the Logan Kool-Aid is never a good idea. However, she did the right thing at the end when she refused to sign the treaty, resigned as President, turned herself into the Attorney General for her crimes, and gave Jack a window of time to escape the country before he was captured. A good final move on her part, though as Daddy said during the episode, "she just cost Hillary Clinton the next 4 Presidential elections!"



10) Ethan Kanin - Didn't play any part in the finale, though I imagine he was smiling as he sat at home comfortably watching President Taylor fall apart because she had been listening to Logan and not him. President Kanin has a nice ring to it for the movie, no?

Other random thoughts from the last-ever episode of 24:

- The random CTU agent from the UN mobile command unit was a huge douche and needed to get capped by Cole. I hated when he thought he was awesome for helping Pillar out. I hope Jack makes a pit stop on his way out of the country and shoves a Revolutionary War bayonet up his ass. Don't think Jack doesn't have any Revolutionary War bayonets laying around.

- I loved that the Secretary General of the UN was Dr. Benton from ER. Random cameos are fun!



- I really wish Michael Madsen's character was Tony Almeida instead. I don't care how many times Tony has died, they should just keep bringing him back! Tony was the man, love that guy. Would have been poetic justice for it to have been him helping Jack in the closing episodes.

- Scott, your negative comments about 24 are not welcome in this post. Thank you.

- RIP Bill Buchanan. Forever.

- And finally, 1 final shot of Jack... for Jack.





The perfect sign-off for a legendary man. I'll miss you Jack.

If Jack Bauer played King Leonidas in "300", they would have named the movie "1"- and Leonidas would have won the war.

Monday night's episode of 24 was so good I almost had a seizure. Let's get right to the review, with the help of our handy character guide:



1) Arlo Glass - Was starting to figure things out because Jason Pillar was being douchy to him, and after Chloe convinced him to help her, he has put all of his eggs in the basket of justice. Works well with a Sprint Mobile HotSpot.

2) BITCH - DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

3) Charles Logan - Cute when he was picking out which fancy tie to wear. And very obviously consumed with having his "good" name restored by the President because he's fixing all of her problems. Of course, by fixing all of her problems I actually mean ruining her life. His neck fat has that extra special wiggle to it when Jason calls with bad news.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Once again, Chloe has figured out a way around whatever government firewalls that are set up to stop her from getting the job done. A true goddess when it comes to networking and saving countries.

5) Cole Ortiz - Poor Cole is so conflicted. He wants to help Jack. He doesn't want to help Jack. He knows Jack is after justice. He knows Jack doesn't want justice, just revenge. He hates BITCH. He still deep down loves BITCH. BITCH is dead... Cole has had better days certainly. His sass towards Jason Pillar was fun times though!



6) Renee Walker - Such a huge tease when we saw Renee at the beginning of the "Previously on 24" section wearing nothing but a sheet and Jack's love sweat. I miss her. A moment of silence please.















Thank you.

7) Jack Bauer - For the second time in recent weeks, he was 1 step ahead of a plot to capture him, this time taking out an entire crew of Russian mercenaries in the middle of a crowded mall. He is literally unstoppable. Then after he and Mr. Blonde captured the stoned Russian Pavel, he absolutely tortured the SHIT out of him. He is absolutely crazed. When the Russian said, "Go to hell" and Jack responded with, "You first," I actually squirted out a little pee. Then when he cut the guy's guts out and fished the SIM card out of his stomach - holy crap! Jack is my hero.

8) Jason Pillar - All smug and shit until he realized that it's Jack Bauer he's chasing, not some run-of-the-mill ex-marine. He seems to think he's God's gift to this earth, or at least God's gift to Charles Logan, but when Jack kills him too it will be totally awesome.

9) Allison Taylor - Looks like she's going to cry at any moment, especially when Logan continues to give her bad news. That bitch slap from Dalia Hassan that we all know is coming is going to be sweeeeeet.

10) Ethan Kanin - Resting comfortably at home while President Taylor falls apart at the seams without his guidance. I hope he has sufficiently recovered from his heart attack so that he's ready to go when he's elected President for the movie while Taylor and Logan rot in prison together for covering up the Russian's scam.

Other random thoughts on Monday night's episode:

- Meredith Reed has entirely too much plastic surgery in her cheeks. It looks like it's impossible for her to smile, not that she could ever see anything funny because her gigantic cheeks are pushing her eyes closed.

- Mr. Blonde cracks me up. He's got all this weaponry and high-tech gear, can spy on everyone in the world at the push of a button... and he fails to realize the ol' drop-your-cell-phone-on-the-ground-and-swallow-the-SIM-card trick. Come on Michael!

- Jason Pillar's assistant Eden is probably the only hot computer nerd in this world. She's a techie geek's wet dream. Wouldn't be surprised if she ate a little Pillar dong when they fogged up the windows in the CTU Director's office.



- It's already unfair for the world when it's Jack Vs. The World... but now they're going to give him a full body armor suit next week?!? jsdgjlsgnkljsdlnk;jgpiogwopubpiuvwiom[09[M jsd; jvsddsijfj!!!!!!

- RIP Bill Buchanan.

The California Gold Rush started when Jack Bauer took a piss in a field somewhere near San Francisco.

Yo yo! After another exciting episode of 24 last night, I am back to grace you with my thoughts on it after a week off. As always, we will now go to our trusty character key, though you may notice a few changes this time around...



1) Arlo Glass - Apparently pulling triple duty now that he has to do his old job, BITCH's job, because she sucks, and Chloe's job, because she's running shiz at CTU. He's quite the multi-tasker.

2) BITCH - Was working for the Russians this whole time, not the actual terrorists, so now Jack wants to grill her shit to find out which Russians were behind this whole fiasco the entire time. Clearly President Taylor doesn't want that, so now BITCH finds herself in a whole world of trouble that apparently includes electric chairs, toe snippers and various other torture devices, and some good ol' fashioned waterboarding. Fun!

3) Charles Logan - Has gotten into the mind of President Taylor and is now doing dances up in there. That incredible amount of neck flab can be very persuasive you know. I'm assuming that we'll find out soon that he has some other agenda for "helping" the President out other than just restoring his good name within government circles.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Doing a job at CTU that Bill Buchanan would be proud of, that is until she tried to lead Jack into a trap so that he could be brought in and stopped from bringing this whole scandal to light. Come on Chloe, you know better than that. Bill, get your ghost back to CTU and help her out a bit. RIP sir.

5) Cole Ortiz - After initially following Chloe's orders to capture Jack, he quickly realizes that Jack is always right and decides to help him out. Obviously though, his decision was made pretty easy after Jack had subdued all of his men and put a gun to his head. Jack can be pretty persuasive when he has a gun to your head, you know.



6) Renee Walker - A moment of silence, please.














Thank you.

7) Jack Bauer - As always, he is right about the whole scandal, and is doing everything he can to bring it to light and take down the Russians. Aside from Cole, he literally has no help whatsoever. What does this mean? Jack is going to win, of course. Russia = Dead. All Russians = Dead. President Taylor = Screwed. Charles Logan = Dead.

8) Omar Hassan - Like all of Russia is soon to be, he is dead. I wish the same fate upon his daughter as well. Seriously, could Kyla Hassan be ANY more annoying? I don't think so. I feel sorry for Dalia that she's had to put up with her stupid daughter for all these years.

9) Allison Taylor - Currently caught up in a web of Charles Logan's lies, which means she is royally screwed, because we all know Jack is going to win the day and bring this whole scandal to light. I except a firm bitch slap from Dalia Hassan, as well as a big fat, I TOLD YOU SO!! from Ethan Kanin as she sobs softly at her desk, knowing that her Presidency is slowly spinning down the toilet bowl, only to be deposited in the same septic tank where Logan's and Noah Daniels' Presidencies lie.

10) Ethan Kanin - First of all, he looks pretty sheik and sexy on Rob Weiss' body huh?! Looks like Ethan's been working out, post-heart attack of course. Anyway, he is like the shoulder angel to Charles Logan's shoulder devil for President Taylor, only Taylor consistently listens to the devil. Good for Ethan for sticking to his guns and resigning, only to give Taylor a good jab on the way out by saying the Logan had replaced him. BOOM ETHAN! She hated that comment. Well done, sir.

Other random thoughts from last night's episode:

- Air Force Apache helicopters? Yeah, no match for Jack. PEACE BITCHES!

- I love that Michael Madson's character is just chilling in New York City in a fancy computer room with enough weaponry to furnish a small army. We were all glad that he was able to provide Jack with "various assault rifles," along with everything else he requested, for the mission. Also love that gnarly scar that covers his entire neck. I hope we find out how that happened!

- You may have noticed that the Backpack of Doom had usurped the Satchel of Doom at the end of the episode. Jack always means business, but this time in particular he means even bigger business.

- I enjoyed the random Asian man who has stepped into a dana analyst role of some sort at CTU in the wake of BITCH's shenanigans and Chloe's promotion. He was funny.

When Jack impregnates a woman, it only takes 3 months for the baby to come out either jacked like Rambo (boy) or hot like Kim (girl)

Apparently in the last 2 days, life has conspired to take away from me everything that I love. I am inconsolable right now. First, the Rangers were taken away from me on Sunday, and now last night, well, if you haven't seen the latest episode of 24, I suggest you look away. Just know that things are not good. On to my character key.



1) Arlo Glass - I've somewhat come around to him ever since he became leery of BITCH and then made a joke about staring at her boobies, but sometimes he asks too many questions when he should just do what he's told, especially when he's taking orders from a certain new CTU executive...

2) BITCH - Currently rotting in a cell, waiting for Cole to have some free time so he can tear her limb from limb for not only betraying her country, but breaking his heart.

3) Brian Hastings - As I've been discussing, the spirit of Bill Buchanan has been growing stronger and stronger with him, which directly lead to my friends and I liking him more and more. Well, apparently Secretary of Homeland Security Tim Woods doesn't feel the same way, because he replaced Hastings as head of CTU with...

4) Chloe O'Brian - Yes! An inspired pick by Tim Woods, and the person that Bill Buchanan himself would have chosen to be his successor. The country instantly became 459% safer as soon as Hastings finished going over protocols with her, and she already proved her mettle by instantly realizing that someone at the scene had secretly poisoned Samir so that he would die and couldn't talk. Bill's watching you from above, Chloe, and damn is he proud of you. RIP Bill. CTU is in good hands now with Chloe, but it'll never be in as great a hands as it was when you were here with us.

5) Cole Ortiz - Jack correctly called him a good agent as he said his goodbyes, and he is right. Cole's a good man, but he's also another person who needs to just do what Chloe says. Don't question her request for a toxicity test on Samir, Cole, just do it. She's always going to be right.

6) Renee Walker - I'm speechless. I cannot believe that Renee has been taken from us, and more importantly, taken from Jack. She will truly be missed, not only by Jack and her fellow friends in anti-terrorism, but by me, because Renee and I had forged a special bond over the last few months, a bond that not even death can break. At least she had the honor and privilege of coitus with Jack right before she was killed. If you're gonna go, might as well go out having just previously engaged in the pinnacle of humanity, right? Renee is a much more deserving recipient of the silent countdown than Hassan was. A moment of silence please.













7) Jack Bauer - You have to wonder about the audacity of God to take away every woman in Jack's life from him when Jack is a greater being than He. First Terry, then Audrey Raines, now Renee. You just have to feel bad for the guy. And once he finds out that the Russians were behind the murder of Renee sometime next week... oooooooooooo boy, Russia better watch out. We are about to see Jack kill more people and blow up more countries in the next 6 episodes than he has in all 8 seasons combined. Buckle up!



8) Omar Hassan - Hopefully not still sitting in that chair with his throat cut open. One would think that someone bothered to at least put him in a body bag or something, right? His exotic and estranged wife is now the President of the IRK, which most likely means she's going to die too.

9) Allison Taylor - Can see right through the Russians and knows that they never intended to sign the peace treaty in the first place. You think she had a shit fit when she found out Rob Weiss was co-leader of the plan to turn Hassan over to the terrorists? Watch out for her when she finds out the Russians were also behind the plot to nuke Manhattan. Baldy Ruski better get ready for a right bitch slappin'!

10) Rob Weiss - Currently in prison, awaiting trial for treason and most likely looking forward to the death penalty. Unless by now Jafar has gotten into the prison dressed as a vagabond and convinced Rob that he needs to go with him to the desert to recover the ancient lamp for him, in which case he has escaped and we'll never see him again.

Other random thoughts from an episode where my soul was sniped from me:

- Kyla Hassan needs to fall out of a window on the 36th floor of the UN or something. She sucks.

- In typical 24 fashion, there is always someone behind the main plot that is bigger and shadowyer (I just invented that word. Boom.) than those who were originally carrying it out. Last year it was Coach Yost. This year it's the Russians. Jack is going to exterminate all of them.

- Something's fishy about Eat Logan's return. Obviously he wants to appear well-intentioned, but that look in his eyes tells you he has other motives. I'm as excited as anyone that he's back, because I missed that hesitant scowl of his, but let's not forget that he was behind the assassination of David Palmer, the greatest President this country has ever scene. Let's hope he takes a step in the right direction towards redemption for the good of this country, and for his own good, because Jack will kill him too if he screws the pooch.

Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep. Goodnight forever Renee. I love you.

A woman named Mary once looked at Jack Bauer. 9 months later Jesus Christ popped out.

Good day sirs and ma'ams. Last night was an epic night of television due to a shocking 2 hours of 24 and one of the best basketball national championship games you will ever see. I needed pills to sleep last night. But enough of my puffery, onto the 24 review, complete with my handy numbered character guide, which I think I will default to every week now from here on out.



1) Arlo Glass - Was sooooo close to figuring out BITCH while they were in the networking room, but then again, he was sooooo close to being killed by the queen of chokin' fools too. Thank God Chloe called him and saved his life. Also, he made a funny funny about staring at BITCH's tatters, though I'd like to think he always looked at them because her face is so busted.

2) BITCH - Finally was outed as the terrorist within CTU. Probably should have happened sooner if anyone had bothered to notice the sinister look that is plastered on her face 24/7. I was SO excited when they found out she was evil, but that resulted in her getting the chance to show off her skills with the 9 mill on the poor front desk security guards. I really wanted Cole to rip her face off and shove a grenade down her throat, but alas, she was the only person with the information CTU needed, so of course she was given immunity like every bad person in this show, though at least this time it was conditional upon Hassan's survival.



3) Brian Hastings - Even though it looked like he was maybe catching on to the BITCH in recent episodes, he apparently was not, seeing as he had no problem letting her onto his computer. Did the right thing by giving Cole his gun back and letting him back in the field towards the end. Hastings from the beginning of the season wouldn't have done that, but since the ghost of Bill Buchanan has infiltrated him, he's making smarter decisions now. We still miss you Bill. RIP my friend.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Performed her usual good work on the keyboard but also showed her skill on the clipboard by quickly identifying the cell phone that called Tarin from CTU as the BITCH's. Continues to be the blood that circulates in the veins of CTU.

5) Cole Ortiz - Was genuinely flabbergasted by the revelation that BITCH was a terrorist. Seriously Cole? I thought you were better than that. Luckily is eye is better through a rifle scope than it is really getting to know the women he plans to marry. I suggest you get better at the second one, sir.

6) Renee Walker - I'm thinking of taking her name when we get married. Mr. Steven Walker. Has a nice ring to it right? Renee continues to be a force for good, the ying to Jack's yang. Did a great job identifying the blonde wig on the terrorist's floor and capping her ass before the terrorist was able to inflict some damage. Those are the kind of instincts I love to see, wifee.

7) Jack Bauer - Simply the greatest man who ever lived, and every week he sets the bar of greatness even higher than we ever thought possible. He sees through every plot, finds out every secret, instinctfully identifies all trouble... he's just a marvel. I would go on but words really can't describe how awesome he is. He's the New Jersey of men.

8) Omar Hassan - Intentionally gives himself up to the terrorists so that they wouldn't kill tens of thousands of Americans. Bravo, Omar. He also stands up for his morals by declining to "apologize" to the world for his "sins" even though he was being tortured. Unfortunately this leads to him eating the big eat and having his throated cut. Part of me is happy about this because now that means that BITCH isn't getting immunity, so hopefully Cole will have a chance to break into her holding cell and tear her to pieces. I also have mixed feelings about his silent countdown. I think that should only be reserved for series mainstays, characters that we've fallen in love with. On the other hand, he was an important character, so maybe he deserved it.



9) Allison Taylor - Was alerted to the betrayal perpetrated by General Bruckner and Rob Weiss by Jack Bauer and took appropriate action. She also did a lot of damage-control in this episode with Hassan's family. Kudos to President Taylor as well for recognizing the greatness that is Renee Walker and commending her on her excellent work. Apparently she demands a lot out of her cabinet, however, as I thought it was a bit much to ask Ethan Kanin to play hurt just hours after he went into cardiac arrest and was deprived of medical care by Bruckner and Weiss. Let's ease off the gas a bit there, eh Allison?

10) Rob Weiss - Disobeyed the orders of his President, but most importantly, screwed with a mission that Jack Bauer himself was leading. Biiiiiig mistake there buddy. The death penalty isn't going to be the worst thing that happens to you in the coming months.

Other random thoughts on Monday night's extravaganza:

- Figures that someone driving a Honda Insight would get in the way of Jack chasing Tarin in the parking garage. FREAKIN' HIPPIES, DEMS, AND LIBS. Always messing around with justice. (ANGRY FACE) Of course, it turned out that this particular hippie somehow was able to use the transporter from Star Trek to get Hassan out of the SUV and into her trunk. Tricky bastards!

- I thought the terrorists gave up the nuclear bomb really easily. They got Hassan. They gave up the bomb. It was that simple, when usually it never is. You have to applaud them I suppose for having their eyes on the prize. There was no time for such tomfoolery as killing Americans. Get the IRK President. Kill the IRK President. Mission accomplished.

- I am SO EXCITED for Charles Logan, better known as Eat Logan, to return to 24. Yes, he was a villian in past seasons, but who cares?!?! It turned out he was just a pawn in a larger scheme perpetrated by Coach Yost anyway. Any guy who can return from being stabbed in the neck by his ex-wife is good in my book. hiuppewwoighwpoeigvnlkDVNPOHEqwgopnWEWL;JKNV[piojo vWPOIUEVNBJewoijewgegpj 24[oinwrl;kjn!@!!!!! Wow, look at that. I jammed my fists down on the keyboard and still typed 24 out in there. This show is truly amazing and life-changing.

If anyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called "10 Minutes"

Kill yourself, Dana Walsh. And let it be known from now on that I will never refer to her by name in this blog EVER again. She shall henceforth be known as BITCH.

Let's revisit our handy-dandy character key to discuss last night's episode of real life, er, I mean, 24:



1) Arlo Glass - Was hot on the trail of the cab of 4 Indians with a nuclear bomb until that BITCH screwed with the satellites and threw them off course. Thankfully he didn't hit on her in this episode. He'll feel really dirty when he finds out the truth about BITCH.

2) BITCH - YOU BITCH! (BEEP) YOU YOU STUPID (BEEP BEEP BEEP) SLUT WHORE PIECE OF (BEEP BEEP) I'M GOING TO STAB YOUR (BEEP BEEP BEEP) EYEBALLS YOU (BEEP) WAIT TIL COLE FINDS OUT YOU (BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP) I WANT YOU TO DIE YOU (BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)

3) Brian Hastings - The spirit of Bill Buchanan is getting stronger and stronger with this one. His speech to everyone at CTU as they approached under 50 minutes until the bomb went off was inspiring, and you're starting to see that he's catching on to the BITCH's shenanigans. Keep it up, Brian. And as always, RIP Bill Buchanan. Your country grieves your loss every single day.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Still God behind the keyboard, though she was temporarily thrown off by the BITCH disabling the satellites. Doesn't matter what the BITCH does though, Chloe will figure it all out eventually.

5) Cole Ortiz - Showed us a keen sense of direction and knowledge of the New York City streets, as well as continued his wonderful reign as Jack's right hand man. Also showed us his instinct when he pointed out to Jack that it was "convenient" that the satellites went out right as they were about to catch the cab with the rods in it. I am, however, surprised that Jack didn't kill Cole through the phone when Cole had the audacity to question Chloe's integrity. I would suggest never doing that again, Cole.

6) Renee Walker - Makes quite the partner with Jack, as they teamed up to take out a whole team of elite US Marines by themselves. Continues to show us her pinpoint accuracy on the 9 mill, while at the same time looking very hot.

7) Jack Bauer - The Man. The Myth. The Legend. When President Taylor wants something done, she calls on Jack Bauer, and once again he delivered by saving President Hassan's life even though he may or may not have broken ribs and a collapsed lung. If I have a son and he grows up to be .0001% the man that Jack is, my son will be the 2nd greatest human to ever walk this Earth. 2nd to Jack, of course.

8) Omar Hassan - While under siege by the Marines who wanted to turn him over to the terrorists, he showed us that he too is quite handy with a 9 millimeter. Not sure about his genes, however, as Kyla Hassan is turning out to be pretty useless. First she falls in love with a terrorist and lets him become Omar's head of security, then she sprains her ankle as they're running from the marines and slows the whole party down. She sucks.



9) Allison Taylor - Delivered a stirring, impassioned speech about the core values of America when presented with the idea of just turning Hassan over to the terrorists to avoid the bomb going off in NYC. Also knows to call Jack Bauer when she needs something done. Smart lady.

10) Rob Weiss - Now THIS guy is in a whole shitload of trouble. He went along with General Buckner's idea to capture Hassan and turn him over to the terrorists, which failed because of Jack Bauer. Then he decided to let Ethan Kanin suffer through a heart attack instead of calling an ambulance for fear of Kanin snitching on them. I hope he's ready for hell to be unleashed on him.

Other random thoughts on last night's proceedings:

- I think Samir, the lead terrorist, is the calmest terrorist in history. That guy never smiles, or frowns, or gets angry... nothing. Just goes about his business, ruining lives and killing thousands. Ho hum.

- Tarin, who is now charged with driving the bomb to it's detonation site, is looking a little skittish to me. He has that look on his face that makes me believe that he won't go through with it, even though he has begun the countdown. Maybe he does actually love Kyla and she is pregnant with his child, a little terrorist fetus, that he doesn't want to die in the explosion. How cute!

- Agent O'Connor, the female Secret Service agent who was leading the team to escort President Hassan out of the UN before Jack showed up, has some SERIOUS nuts. That girl is badass! After holding off the marines for a while, she looks up at Jack, tells him she knows what she has to do, then jumps up from cover and starts firing liked a crazy person. I assume she's dead, but if she isn't, she deserves a spin-off!

- I'm not going to give away who, just in case you didn't see the scenes from next week, but (Enter name here) is BACK!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! ;LSJDNGO IEGN;SLDKNV;LDSLV;DJ;DFJLK;FLKDNS;LJA]JO[F Weinogp98HG3[u!!!!!!!!!!

(pants wetting)

Jack Bauer only reloads to make the terrorists think they have a chance

My thoughts on last night's gut-wrenching episode of 24 just as soon as my pants loosen up after watching Erin Andrews on Dancing with the Stars last night...

- Please die, Dana Walsh.

- Apparently CTU's cell phone service comes from AT&T, because when Jack and Cole (a new drink perhaps?) pulled up to the dock to engage the terrorists and tried to contact CTU, Cole complained about having 4 bars but the call not going through. It sounded all too familiar to those of us with AT&T...



- I enjoyed that at the beginning of the longest firefight in history, Tarin looked out with binoculars and identified Jack Bauer, at which point they all started panicking because of how awesome he is. But then Tarin said that Jack is "one of" CTU's best agents. WRONG TARIN. Idiot. He is the best. Not one of.

- It must be a prerequisite in 24 that if you work for a government agency other than CTU, you must have a MASSIVE ego, which was the case with the head of the NSA New York branch who came to help CTU get back on its feet after the EMP attack. Damn good thing that Chloe again proved how awesome she is by sticking a gun in the douche's face and shooing him away so she could get the job done, like she always does time and time again.

- I think we all knew that Nervous Nellie Owen would eat the big eat at some point this season, but who woulda thunk that it would have been doing something so heroic? I assumed he would have been the guy who broke formation behind the armored plates with Jack and Cole (mmmm, tasty drink) and f'ed everything up, not the other agent who actually did that. Instead Owen was a hero by running into the middle of a firefight to save his fallen comrade. Unfortunately he didn't make it, but he died doing the right thing. RIP son.

- I'm starting to come around to Brian Hastings, because it seems as though he's finally realized that Chloe will do everything faster and better than anyone else at CTU. He's also quit being such a pussy and is now giving the orders instead of taking them from douchebags like the NSA guy. Perhaps the spirit of Bill Buchanon is slowly infiltrating his brain, and he's now starting to think more clearly. Once again, RIP Bill. We miss and love you.

- Jack Bauer just keeps re-defining the word "hero." It's getting ridiculous with how high he's setting the bar for other men of justice to aspire to, because they never will. He is a god, plain and simple. On this occasion he decided to use himself as a decoy for machine gun fire so that Cole could make it to the landline to contact CTU. He killed a couple terrorists, of course, then took a few bullets himself. You think those bullets did any harm to him though? Pshhhhh. He's Jack Bauer. And of course Cole made it to the phone. What a hero Jack is.



- Now that she seems to be over her emotional problems, it was good to see Renee get back in the field and continue this season's badassery, this time with a few well-placed 9 millimeter rounds in terrorists faces. She just marches right up, and BANG! Terrorist dead. I think her and Cole and competing for marksman of the year this season. I love it. You go girl.

- I think the right play when you're getting strangled from behind by a choke-cord (like the parole officer was by Dana Walsh when she decided killing him was the only way out) is to play dead quickly, then when she lets go because she thinks you're dead, you flip around and kill her. Unfortunately he didn't do that, so now he's dead and Dana's alive, which then lead to her making a phone call that revealed... wait, what? SHE IS A TERRORIST?!?!??!?! WHAT THE FUCK! I knew her stupid story line would end up tying into the main story line eventually, or else the 24 writers wouldn't have bothered with it, but I had no idea it would tie in like this. Holy shit. As if I didn't hate her enough before, now I'm just going off the deep end with anger. Kudos, 24 writers. You totally got me there. Now the terrorists are piled into a cab with the nuclear rods in Manhattan. 4 Indians in a cab. Yep. Never gonna find 'em.

Orville and Wilbur Wright only achieved flight because Jack Bauer didn't shoot them down

First, I think it's appropriate that we celebrate this blog's 100th post with an article about 24, the greatest show about the greatest man this earth has ever created. Second, I apologize for it coming on Wednesday, as I was not able to watch this week's episode until last night. This week, we'll go back to our old character number key and see how our friends in terrorist fighting are faring:



1) Arlo Glass - Really wasn't in last night's episode, except for a few moments where he helped Chloe. Negligible impact.

2) Dana Walsh - Still alive, which is terrible.

3) Brian Hastings - Finally grew some testicles and stood up to Rob Weiss, telling him he was dropping the charges against Renee and telling Rob to leave him alone. Maybe the ghost of Bill Buchanan has infiltrated him a bit, and now he's beginning to realize what it takes to get the job done. Once again, RIP Bill. We all miss you.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Disarmed the bomb on the suicide bomber OVER THE INTERNET. Name someone else who can do that!??!? Answer: NO ONE. Chloe is a gem. One of a kind. A real woman. Morris is one lucky dude.

5) Cole Ortiz - Should have killed Dana and put her in the river along with her scumbag friends. She's not worth it Cole. Finish her and move on!

6) Renee Walker - Should feel like one lucky broad, seeing as after all of her emotional nonsense she gets Jack after this. Those big bright eyes of hers will be getting even bigger when he's inside of her, believe you me!

7) Jack Bauer - The man is a living, breathing monument to how awesome man can be. Using Farhad's dead body as a decoy to draw out the terrorists? Genius! I swear this man could cure cancer, he just hasn't had time yet.



8) Omar Hassan - Still paranoid. Still has a killer accent. Still needs a haircut.

9) President Taylor - Like CTU Chief Hastings, she seems to be growing a pair of nuts as well. Loved the move where she threatened to attack Hassan's country if he didn't give her the files she needed and the atomic bomb went off in NYC. That's the kind of no-nonsense rule we need to save lives.

10) Rob Weiss - Getting a little pushy. Can't shake the feeling that he has some sort of ulterior motive that will be revealed a couple weeks from now. Looks phenomenal in a suit, however.

Other thoughts on tonight's episode not involving our main characters:

- Farhad Hassan, aside from being a traitor to his brother, is also a complete dumbass. Now he's dead. That's what you get sucka. He only needed to stay where he was for 3 more seconds, but noooooo, he had to get up in a panic, which resulted in him getting shot and being useless to Jack. Piss poor.

- I enjoyed that Fox 5's Ernie Anastos was the one breaking the news that Farhad Hassan was "still alive" to the American public at 1:30 in the morning. There's no way Ernie is pulling an all-night shift like that in real life. If anything, he's off being all Ron Burgundy at that hour.

- I really thought that CTU Agent Owen was gonna get everyone killed because he was so nervous, but alas, he didn't! Though he was sweating more than an obese man after 2 pushups, he managed to get the terrorist to show the bomb to Chloe on the security camera so she could disarm it. Well done sir. And he didn't die - a bonus for sure.

- Can't say I enjoyed the fact that they picked the terrorist with the most creepy child-rapist eyes to play the suicide bomber. Whenever he tried to look menacing I wanted to hide in a corner with my blankie, sucking my thumb and hoping the evil terrorist didn't touch me in my special place.

Jack Bauer could actually make the USA Men's Curling team respectable

My thoughts on last night's episode:

- Joseph, the thieving shtable boy, is not very smart. You have to know that when dealing in major arms, you never go rogue, or you will end up dying. It's rule #1 in nuclear weapon transactions! SHIT JOSEPH. Now you're dead. At least his cell phone stayed on long enough on the ground for them to identify the terrorists who killed him. Classic 24!

- You get the feeling that Jack and Renee are going to bump uglies when this season is over, leading to Renee birthing some of the most kick ass children ever created. I mean, let's be honest. The world's greatest man mating with a woman who has shown that she doesn't take any prisoners either? The kids only need to get over the emotional issues provided by the Walker genes and they'll be incredible. Plus, Jack has already proven that he is a can't-miss father (Kim Bauer anyone? YES PLEASE).



- Rob Weiss, he of the bunched panties, apparently thought it would take the Justice Department lawyer with the biggest DSLs to crack Renee and make her take the blame for this. It's a good thing Jack showed up and showed that biotch who's boss. It's a shame, however, that Jack had to be electrocuted for the 54th time this season promptly afterwards.

- Farhad Hassan: now THERE'S a spineless little puss. One second he's running the show, the next moment some terrorist with a finely tailored goatee tells him he wants to blow up NYC, more or less relegating Farhad to second fiddle. Then Farhad goes running away, crying to CTU that he wants to come in and tell them everything, I'm assuming in exchange for immunity. Apparently the US government gives away immunity like lollipops in a doctor's office.

- Brian Hastings is worthless. First Rob Weiss tells him how it is, then his data analyst is running away to JC strip clubs in the middle of a nuclear crisis, then he puts some greenhorn named Owen in charge of the mission to get Farhad out of trouble... you think all of this would happen with Bill Buchanon in charge? No sir. Great Americans don't let this shit happen. Brian Hastings, you're not a great American. RIP Bill. You're missed now more than ever.



- So we begin last week's episode with this Dana Walsh train wreck, and now we end this week's episode with it? For shame, 24 writers. It's a good thing our boy Freddie is such a badass and is quite the marksman with a shotgun - like Denzel Washington in Training Day, he is surgical with that bitch. I only wish that Kevin's bearded psycho partner had shot Dana before Freddie took him down with a perfectly placed shotgun round to the heart. There's only one thing left to do Freddie: GET RID OF DANA WALSH. PLEASE. DO IT FOR ALL OF US.

Christians initially prayed to Jack Bauer, but he was too busy, so they turned to God.

Before I get to my thoughts on last night's episode, I wanted to shed light on something incredibly disturbing. I was browsing Fox's 24 website for pictures to use here, and when I scrolled to the bottom of the main page, I noticed a "FANS + COMMUNITY" section where people can comment about the show. The first post there was about how awesome the squirt gun gag was that Kevin's daft partner in crime pulled on him in the evidence locker 2 episodes ago. The person who said that should kill themselves. But if that wasn't enough of a reason for suicide for that fella, his/her username for the site is: "DANA_WALSH_FAN." ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?!? WHO LIKES HER?!??! Now not only should this guy/gal kill him/herself, but it should be as painful as possible. This person is a disgrace to humankind.



Now onto my thoughts on last night's episode:

- Really, 24 writers? You begin this episode with the Dana Walsh storyline? After the awesomeness at the end of last week, you start this week off with a storyline I wish would go away more than anything in this world? Shameful. She came thisclose to confessing to our man Cole, but the realized she only needed to kill Kevin to get rid of the problem, so she didn't tell him. Shit! Cole - See the truth! You've bagged Jessica Biel before, get rid of this nasty hoe and move on to greener pastures! I hope something goes terribly wrong when she goes to shoot Kevin and the gun fires backwards into her face.

- You would think the bad guys now would know this one simple fact - you do not mess with Jack. But if you still think that's a good idea and proceed in doing so, you especially shouldn't torture him. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should torture occur, because the only way it ends is with you dying. When the Russian dude was electrocuting Jack and Jack pretended to go to sleep, I turned to my woman and said, "Oh boy. This is where the poor guy loses his head." What happened? Jack used his feet to zap him, he got off the ceiling pipe he was hanging on, and he broke the Russian's neck, i.e. he took his head off. Happens every time. Terrorists: you've been warned.

- I hope President Hassan doesn't start smoking weed anytime soon, because that guy is entirely too paranoid as it is. You better calm down there Slumdog.



- Looks like the head Russian arms dealer, aka the head Brewmaster in Beerfest (he was a thieving shtableboy!) shouldn't have murdered his one son, because now his other son who speaks perfect English is out to make him look a fool! So not only did he get caught by Jack because Jack is so badass, but all the money he was going to make is going to go to his son, AND because the nuclear rods weren't there because the son took them, his immunity agreement is out the window. Poor bastard. Such is life when in 24.

Jack Bauer puts superheroes to shame

First, my thoughts on last night's pants-wetting episode:

- As my friends and I have been stating throughout this season, Dana Walsh is not nearly hot enough for this ridiculous story line to even be worth our time. She's not really named Dana, has a past riddled with illegal activity, spent some time in the booty-house, has a stalker ex-boyfriend who wants to take advantage of her, has a new man who loves her for who she really isn't, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah. Cole should just dump her ass next episode when she tells him the dilly. Maybe if she were at least a... 6? It would be worth his time? But she's like a 3. Move on, Cole. Move on.

- Renee Walker continued her epic badassery by first putting out for the sake of national security in the last episode, then in this episode, when Vladimir tried to rape her, stabbing him right in the eyeball, taking him down, and then hacking him up like she was a serial killer who didn't want the body to be identified. Yes Renee! Then she committed an unspeakable crime...

- ... by stabbing our hero, Jack Bauer, right in the gut, while she was in a murderous psycho-daze. No Renee! But it was at this very moment where Jack showed us why this is his planet and we're all just paying rent. Vladimir's henchman rushed into the room, at which time Jack pulled the knife out of his own stomach and threw it straight into the Russian's neck from across the room, killing him instantly. BAD. ASS. Then he sucked up the pain, ran outside the room, and shot another Russian dead THROUGH A WALL WITHOUT REALLY BEING ABLE TO SEE HIM. I worship the very ground he bleeds on.

- The new CTU is minor-league. To use an SAT analogy, Brian Hastings' CTU is to the Mets as Bill Buchanon's CTU is to the Yankees (RIP Bill). Jack had a brilliant plan to be taken by the Russians so CTU could track him and be taken right to the nuclear rods. But they are idiots and didn't follow him, so now Jack is screwed. You think Bill would have let this happen??? No sir. Again, may you rest in peace Bill. You are truly an American hero.



Now I will give you my thoughts on all the characters to this point in the season, using the number key you see in the photo above. The photo was too small for me to get a lot of stuff on it, so this will have to do.

1) Arlo Glass - Creepy tech nerd who apparently has a thing for busted chicks (Dana Walsh). Wouldn't be surprised if he dabbled in kiddy porn.

2) Dana Walsh - Like I said before, not hot enough to sustain her miserable side story. Jack should take time off from breaking Russian hopes and dreams and kill her for us.

3) Brian Hastings - The new CTU chief who can't get shit done and walks around like a hunchback. Should be ringing a church bell rather than ruining the very institution that Bill Buchanon made so great.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Still the only person at CTU who knows how to get shit done, and get it done right. Her IT expertise makes America a better place, and her sarcastic humor could warm the heart of even the coldest terrorist.

5) Cole Ortiz - I didn't expect much out of him, but he has been a pleasant surprise and has proven to be quite the useful tool for Jack. Drives over detonating bombs and is an expert with the sniper rifle. I'm a big fan. Also showed HUGE cojones when he sacrificed his life so they could find the terrorist during the premier episode. Respect.

6) Renee Walker - Hotter than ever as she showed promise as the female version of Jack by sawing off the first Russian's thumb then stabbing the second Russian's eye with a knife. Took a big step backward by flipping out emotionally (like we kind of new she would all along) and stabbing Jack. Needs to redeem herself now.

7) God (Jack Bauer) - The man we all aspire to be in life. If it's possible, Jack can do it. If it's impossible, Jack can do that too.

8) Omar Hassan - President of some terrorist-ridden country who is apparently the world's only hope for peace. Subject of an assassination plot organized by his brother, and now is absurdly paranoid. Apparently loves white chicks with 110 pounds of botox in their faces over hot, exotic Middle-eastern women. Idiot.

9) Allison Taylor - President of the United States. Not really getting in the way of Jack like she did last season, and that is a good thing. Clearly showed she didn't know what it takes to get the job done, so she's leaving the national security issues to CTU. Actually, she still doesn't know how to get the job done because she put that asshat Brian Hastings in charge. Women...

10) Rob Weiss - President Taylor's Chief of Staff (or whatever cabinet position he is). Isn't afraid to speak his mind. Clearly has a sense of the moment. Would love to see him become the President, that is, unless he's uncovered as a co-conspirator with the Russians, which wouldn't surprise me, knowing the writers of 24.

Renee Walker is hard.

As I said yesterday, I was excited about the possibilities with Renee Walker. Turns out I was right.



Damn right you will sweetie. And apparently doing anything it takes involves sawing off a Russian's thumb while his arm is clamped in a vice. Excellent. She looks good, and is now a cold bitch. You can't measure my excitement level right now.

Also made props to Freddie Prinze, Jr. First he drove over a bomb to save President Hassan, then he was willing to let the assassin shoot him in order for someone else to catch him (of course Jack was there to save him)? That takes balls. Kudos, good sir. You have my respect.

MMBF - 1/18: LIFE IS GOOD AGAIN!

Hola chicos y chicas, and welcome to another edition of the Monday Morning Brain Fart, you're weekly destination for the most pointless crap you'll find on the internet. I hope you find yourself home from work on this Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, unlike myself, and that this week brings you the utmost amount of joy that a mid-winter week filled with shitty weather can possibly bring you.

Friday night was of the relaxing variety, and as I kicked back in my sweats, sipping a delicious Rogue Dead Guy Ale and flipping through the channels, I stumbled across a classic from another time, American Pie 2. A great movie, one that truly brings you back to better days, when the biggest care in my life was whether or not I was going to take Ring-Dings or Twinkies with me to school for lunch (Twinkies usually won, by the way). Now 2 was certainly not better than the original, but it was hilarious to watch something that gave us this image of what college was going to be like while we were still in high school. Also, it should be mandatory viewing for high schoolers these days, instead of the crapload of straight-to-DVD American Pie movies that have been churned out in recent years - all crappy, and all starring the same Dad from the originals. I think Eugene Levy needs a career boost.

Jersey Shore never fails to be completely ridiculous, hilarious, amazing, dumbfounding and ludicrous, all at once. I've grown to like pretty much all of the characters, with the exception of The Situation and Sammi. The Situation is just a complete bastard, while Sammi is the biggest drama queen ever. How she can claim that she had nothing to do with Ron beating the crap out of that guy on the boardwalk is beyond me - she started it! Plus Sammi, Ron did not push you. Shut up. The rest of the cast is awesome, especially Pauly D. He NEVER stops being funny, and it only got better with that Israeli chick stalking him. I also really enjoyed the Jersey Shore vernacular when it came to describing fat chicks. I think in a period of 5 seconds, these big girls who were at the house were called zoo creatures, hippos, and my personal favorite, elephants. I love it. I'm going to be so sad after the finale this week.

Before heading out Saturday night, Rory and I were watching football and downing some of the finest beverages you'll find the world over, Keystone Light. Now, we didn't partake in the activity this time, but the last time we watched playoff football and enjoyed some of Keystone's Lightest was when we came up with the Football Drinking Game, which I will give you the rules to here. Basically, it's Kings with a football twist. You sit with your group around the boob tube and arrange the cards Kings-style, and every first and third down you pick a card, doing whatever game is associated with the card you pick (Kings card assignments are always up to the discretion of the group you're in). Then in the game, if there is a big moment like a touchdown or a turnover, you have to finish your beer. Plain. Simple. Fun. Drunk. An easy way to make football fun for the whole family, even if you do not have a vested interest in the teams participating, as I do not this year.

I think the Vikings-Cowgirls game was pretty much the worst football game possible for me. First, the Cowgirls were involved. Enough said. Then, The Gunslinger was involved. Gross. And finally, to put it way over the top, the announcers were Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. What the hell did I do to deserve this?! I couldn't believe I found myself rooting for The Gunslinger (or is it The Funslinger? He's just having fun out there), but the Cowgirls losing is way more important to me. Thankfully the Vikings won, and after watching them run up the score and seeing Keith Brooking cry like a little school girl, the weekend could have ended there and I would have been happy. Keith, just because your team quit doesn't mean the Vikings had to as well. Bitch. Also, I think Joe Buck has the same hairstylist as Donald Trump. Joe, you look like an ass, and please stick to baseball. You're really great at sucking the life out of big football moments.

Another thing that bothers me about the Cowgirls is how incredibly pompous they are - how after something as minute as a 4 yard run, Marion Barber always gets up yelling and screaming about how awesome he is, or how after an 11 yard reception where Tony Homo put it right in his hands, Patrick Crayton always starts yapping about how incredible at life he is, too. It drives me absolutely nuts. None of you guys have done anything of meaning in football. Shut the hell up. The most ridiculous thing about trash talk though is that it's always generic statements like, "Let's go!" or "You can't stop this!" or my favorite, "ALL DAY BABY!" What is all day? You yelling like a moron? You running for 3 yards without having to break a tackle? But what if the trash talk was highly educated? I think that would be hilarious.

Upon stopping a running back for no game, the linebacker yells, "SIR! I BELIEVE YOUR OFFENSIVE LINE IS DOING AN INADEQUATE JOB OF OPENING UP A PROPERLY-SIZED GAP FOR YOU TO PASS THROUGH. IT IS UNFORTUNATE FOR YOU, YET ADVANTAGEOUS FOR MYSELF AND MY TEAM! BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME!"

Upon successfully defending a pass, the safety yells, "GENTLEMAN! EITHER YOUR QUARTERBACK LACKED THE REQUISITE ARM STRENGTH TO DELIVER THE BALL TO YOU ON TIME, OR I SUCCESSFULLY FULFILLED MY DUTIES THAT ARE LAID OUT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION, BUT EITHER WAY THE PASS HAS FALLEN TO THE GROUND AND IS THEREFORE INCOMPLETE. MY TEAM IS BETTER FOR THIS!"

Upon running for 2 yards on 4th and 1 to seal a game, the running back yells, "MR. DEFENSIVE LINEMAN! IT SEEMS AS THOUGH YOU WERE UNABLE TO PROVIDE THE AMOUNT OF FORCE NEEDED TO STOP MY FORWARD MOMENTUM, AND THEREFORE I WAS ABLE TO ACHIEVE MY TEAM'S GOALS FOR THIS PARTICULAR PLAY! IT REALLY IS JUST A BASIC PHYSICS EQUATION!"

See? Hilarious! Well, either that or I'm an easily-amused idiot. Yep. Probably the second one.

I decided over the weekend that if I ever had the financial means to waste a ton of money on a sweet arcade game for my house/apartment/cardboard box on the street, it would totally be Big Buck Hunter. You can't tell me that if you ever go into a bar with Big Buck Hunter in it you want nothing more than to just stand there forever, cocking your plastic shotgun (no, that's not a euphemism for masturbation. Get your mind out of the gutter) and killing elk. It's awesome. It never gets old. It has everything you'd want in an arcade game. There were other candidates, like NBA Jam, Ms. Pac-Man, old-school Atari Football (the table-top one with the spinning wheels), a Mega-Touch for Erotic Photohunt purposes, and Mortal Kombat, but in the end, it's always Big Buck Hunter for me. What about you?

I cannot believe that his Jets team keeps winning. After beating the Bengals last week, they beat perhaps the hottest team in the NFL yesterday, the San Diego Chargers, to advance to the AFC Championship game against the Colts. Unreal. Watching my roommate Rory go through the emotional rollercoaster that is an NFL Playoff run made me miss the good ol' days when the Giants won the Super Bowl. I miss the feeling of waking up on game day, nervous as all hell, hoping for a good performance but dreading the infamous Eli Manning-4 Interception-Playoff Game. I miss the ups and downs, how one minute you could be standing on top of a mountain, and then the next minute you're pre-menopausal. And most of all I miss that feeling of rooting for the underdog who wins the big one, and how every positive emotion in the world runs through you all at the same time, like what happened to Rory yesterday after the Jets won. My body went numb after we won the Super Bowl, and even if that was me having an actual stroke, who cares?! I want it back.

And finally, life is good again for one reason, and one reason only: JACK. IS. BACK. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Last night was of course the premier of season 8 of the best show on television, with 2 hours of unmitigated glory for all, along with tighter pants for me. A few of my thoughts on last night's premier (**SPOILER ALERT**):

- This season takes place in NYC, meaning I can look right out my apartment window in the JC and see all the ass kicking Jack is doing in-person. AWESOME.

- CTU chief Brian Hastings is a waste of time, and he is CERTAINLY no Bill Buchanan (may he rest in peace.) If Bill was still running the show, the whole issue of finding the guys behind the assassination plot of President Hassan would be solved by now. Also, Hastings needs to get it into his thick skull that there's no IT person in the world better an Chloe. But I'm sure he'll figure it out soon enough when the rest of his staff screws the pooch and Jack and Chloe have to save their asses.

- I think Freddie Prinze, Jr.'s character, Cole Ortiz, will be a force for good. The thing I don't understand is how the hell he is Latino. Freddie Prinze? An Ortiz? Hmmmmm. I'm also really excited that Renee Walker will be back, because A) she's a redhead, and B) she got badass at the end of last year when she finally realized what needs to be done in order to save the country. I'm excited about the possibilities.

CORRECTION: Freddie Prinze, Jr. apparently is Latino. Oops!

- It's understandable that President Hassan's brother would be the one behind the assassination plot (or perhaps just a pawn in a much larger scheme, which is probably the case), because he probably thinks that Hassan has given up too much in the peace treaty that he's about to sign with the US, but you would think that family would mean more here. Unacceptable.

2 night, 4 hour premier continues tonight!!!! GET EXCITED!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LKJEdbf;kJSDNv;lENBvoiwENv;lkeNmv;lkAEJf!!!!!

I'd also like to wish the genius behind our sister-blog, Do You Hear That Buzzing?, a very happy birthday (you can give her blog a clickaroo over on the right side bar). We celebrated her birthday last night at the restaurant NINJA New York, and our pal Gallen de Robuchon will be stopping by later to provide a full review of the place. Also, and I know this will be sad for you, but I will be away on business again next Saturday through Wednesday, so the Brain Fart will be put on hold for a week.

Ugh. Another week of work.