The Official Tennis Player of New Jersey

New Jersey, we have our own official tennis player. First off, I'd like to thank the Mouth from the South, RCal, for bringing this wonderful gentleman to my attention. He is of Polish descent, but as you'll see from his name, we truly know where his heart lies.

So without further ado, ladies and gentleman, I present to you...

Jerzy Janowicz!

Clearly this 18 year old player from Poland has the smartest parents in the world. His last name even sounds like a friend of mine who absolutely LOVES New Jersey, which just ads to how great this man is. Sure, he's the 349th ranked singles player in the world, but there are 6.5 billion people in this world, so clearly he's better than most of the planet.



We here at New Jersey is Clean, Idiots from now on will follow young Jerzy as he makes his way up the rankings, culminating in the inevitable Grand Slam titles that his name dictates as destiny.

Young Jerzy, you have a new fan club. The future is yours!

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 9/28

Sorry about the lack of a true Brain Fart this morning, but I just spent the last 4 days in New Orleans for work, and last night, after being up for 41 straight hours, I was not about to sit down and write anything substantial. However, let me tell you a few things I learned this weekend:

1) I learned that New Orleans is a very silly place. Like right here in Jersey City, and probably even moreso, there are no rules. At all. You can literally do whatever you want there.

2) I learned that New Orleans is like Vegas, in that after 3 or 4 days you have to get out of there, because if you stay any longer, only 2 things are possible: You'll run out of money, or you'll be dead. There's no other outcome.

3) I learned that Nawlins cookin' is unbelievably incredible. I did not have a bad meal down there the entire time. From crawfish etoufee, to seafood gumbo, to the jambalaya, to the po-boys and to the beignets, it was all phenomenal. Rarely does it get better, food-wise.

4) I learned that being in New Orleans is like running an IV of fiber straight into your body. Between all the seafood you eat and the absurd amounts of beer and liquor you pour down your throat on a regular basis, let's just say that your bathroom visits become a little more frequent.

5) I learned that you can in fact win a fantasy baseball league by sticking to your morales and refusing to put players on your team from teams you hate in real-life. My girlfriend always says I'll never win a league because I refuse to put Phillies on my team because I hate them. Well, BOOM! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?!?!? I'm a cool $500 richer this morning, and I'd like to think karma played a part in that happening because I wasn't overwrought with guilt because I wanted Chase Utley to do well even though I can't stand him. So now I feel good about myself, and I have some more cashmoney. Today is a good day.

6) I learned that the Giants need to stop getting injured all the time. We already have 3 key players on IR, out for the rest of the year, but the amount of guys also nicked up is absurd. It would have been a nice, relaxing Sunday of football because we beat the piss out of Tampa Bay, but now we have to worry about Kareem McKenzie's knee. Enough already! And Roger Goodell wants to make the season 18 games long...

That's all I have for this week, so until the next Brain Fart: Ugh. Another week of work.

Kanye speaks the truth!

He may have acted a fool at the VMAs, but Kanye West has been known to drop some serious knowledge on us from time to time, albeit in a rude manner. Behold this nugget of truth:



Yes, the Velociraptor is AWESOME, and plays a major part in the greatest cinematic achievement of our time, Jurassic Park. But no one tops the Tyrannosaurus Rex. No one. The T-Rex was the King. He (or she) ruled the dinosaur world with an iron fist (metaphorically speaking), an iron fist (still metaphorically speaking) that was made of gigantic jagged-edged teeth that will literally rip your face off. Just ask Donald Gennaro.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 9/21

I played a little TV catch-up tonight that first involved an episode of Man vs. Wild that I recorded about 8 months ago and forgot was on my DVR. It was the episode that Will Ferrell guest-starred in to promote Land of the Lost, which apparently didn't work because about 7 people went to see it. But the episode itself I thought was really funny. I watch it every once in a while, and while I'm sure some of it is fake, and there has to be medical staff somewhere behind the camera just in case Bear Grylls gets gored by a wild boar or something, it is pretty interesting. In this episode Bear and Will had to cross a mountain pass in the arctic circle in 48 hours to get to their helicopter checkpoint. The best part was when they were trying to cook a deer head and Will Ferrell had to eat the eye balls, which was rather gross. I think I'll watch more of that show.

My TV night continued with a viewing of the Hung season finale, and just as I predicted, Thomas Jane's character was sent to a hotel room to "service" his ex-wife. Alas, It never went down as he saw her heading up to the room first and called her to make sure it was her, but the scene during the phone call I thought was the show's best moment of the entire season. Jane showed some real acting skills I thought, and he gave us an insight into his character that we hadn't seen before. I thought the rest of the episode was good, and once again, the show did enough for me where I will be coming back for more, only now I'll have to wait until next season. At least Curb Your Enthusiasm is coming back! I just read what I wrote and I sound like a shitty, pretentious television reviewer for the New York Times or something. I'm going to go give myself a swirlie, excuse me.

I watched a lot of college football today: The Tennessee - Florida game was a lot closer than I thought it was going to be. I just figured Florida, led by God's Quarterback Tim Tebow, would run up the score on them because of all the shit Tennessee had talked in the build up to the game. But it turns out that Tim Tebow is actually human and made some mistakes. Go figure! The USC - Washington game was a lot of fun to watch, especially since Washington, who went 0-12 last year, upset USC on a last second field goal. Who doesn't love a good underdog? The stadium was rocking so much that ESPN's main camera was shaking and they had to use others for the broadcast. Cool.

I'm sure you've all seen those Progressive commercials where the customers are in the ridiculously white insurance store picking out their policies while that annoying woman helps them out while telling awful jokes. I can't tell you how much I hate those commercials, and it's all because of that woman. She sucks. Her jokes suck. She reminds me of the wife from American Beauty, only way more annoying and way shittier at life. TAKE HER OFF THE AIR. I'd say that I would never get Progressive because of these ads, but I can't, because I already do. Damn.

Living the Dream Football Club's fall season in the Hoboken Adult Soccer League began tonight with a thrilling 0-0 draw at Sinatra Park. We mostly dominated the proceedings and should have won, but the goal we scored was incorrectly called back because our goalscorer was ruled offside. Even the other team said it was a crap call. The defense was great though as I was rarely troubled in goal. It was a solid opening effort, though it would have been nice to have taken all 3 points. Granted, we should get all 3 points based just on how good we look. Never have I seen a group of men and women look so good, adorned in the baby blue of LTD FC.

I know I'm biased, but Eli Manning is absolutely charming in his Toyota commercials. Not all of you may have seen them since they are local New York ads, and if you haven't, I suggest you check them out on youtube. I really think he's developing some decent acting chops, and these commercials are the perfect example. He's funny in them, and of course he's very cute, as always. And now Mark Sanchez has been added to them, and I have to say he's good too. He's not too stiff for his first New York ads. I like what I see, and I expect big things from him in the future as far as commercials go. As a quarterback? Whatever!

The Jets - Patriots game today was pretty compelling if you like defensive football. There were some ticky-tack penalties called on the Jets defense that they were able to overcome. It's like the referees in this league don't want the players to actually play football. It's being turned into a fairy game, and I don't like it. Patriots wide receiver "The Good Rabbi" Julian Edelman is an exact clone of Wes Welker since he is short, white and a good slot receiver. Bill Belichick will probably trade Welker to the Chiefs tomorrow for a first round pick. It's also annoying how Dan Dierdorf is uncontrollably licking Tom Brady's balls. He can't help himself, even though Brady was garbage today thanks to the Jet defense. Brady's also a douche for not shaking hands after the game and just walking off the field with that sore loser look on his face that we all remember from Super Bowl XLII. Big win for the Jets. Mark Sanchez is getting laaaaiiiiidddd tonight.

I feel like that's all they do now with dramas is make a spinoff of the exact same show and place it in a different city. There is the original NCIS, which takes place God knows where since I don't watch it. But now there's NCIS: Los Angeles, which is hilarious because it stars LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell. I guess those movie careers aren't going so good eh boys? Lame. What's next, Numb3rs: Des Moines? CSI: Detroit would be fun, but that would have to be a 7 day a week show and would cost too much to make. Just too many murders and foreclosures to handle there (thank you Scotty).

Carrot Top looks like a roided-out freak in those Burger King commercials he's in with Tony Stewart and Erik Estrada. I never thought he was terribly funny as a comedian to begin with, but now he just looks like a spray-tanned body builder, only a spray-tanned bodybuilder who's washed up and only recognizable because of his ridiculous red afro. Ouch.

First off, before I get to my Giants review, I have to say that this Cowboys Stadium orgasm NBC is having is sickening. Ok, we get it: It's big, new, and has that stupid board hanging above the field that may or may not get hit by a punt. Enough is enough already. They also made a big deal about how they were setting an NFL attendance record with 105,000 or so people in the place. Jerry Jones was accepting a big ovation, with all those idiot Dallas fans genuflecting like Jones is their God. Don't let that fool you though, the record is bullshit. 20,000 or so of those fans were standing outside the stadium in some party zone watching the game on a screen. That doesn't count as attendance at the game as far as I'm concerned. Though i guess that means now that the Yankees can set an attendance record by counting all the people at the bars on River Ave. during a game, or the Eagles can try and set a record by counting all of the people mugged in the streets surrounding Lincoln Financial Field during a game. Also, did you see the strippers they had dancing in the cages in that party zone? Unreal.

Now as far as the actual game goes, it was a HUGE win for the Giants. It was a game that they really had no business winning because the defense was so bad at times, but everyone says that the good teams find ways to win these games, so I guess we're pretty good! The game began with Steve Smith making a few big plays to get us into the red zone, but once again, the red zone offense was crap and we had to settle for a field goal. This was a recurring theme for the game as the Giants offense was just terrible in the red zone. The play calling was awful, and the execution was worse. But despite all of that we were winning for a lot of the game thanks to Tony Romo throwing the ball to us 3 times and Steve Smith and Mario Manningham stepping up and making huge plays all game long. Manningham is a stud and a playmaker, and we need to get him the ball even more. The first guy to hit him never brings him down because he's so slippery.

It was also fairly obvious that the refs were told by the NFL that the Cowboys had to win this game, because it was unbelievable that the interception that Kenny Phillips made off of Jason Witten's shoe was called incomplete. He returned it for a touchdown, but it didn't matter because the play was whistled dead, so when the review overturned the call and gave us the interception, we had to take the ball at the 29 instead of have the TD. Then later in the game Ahmad Bradshaw was horse-collared AND had his facemask grabbed on the same play, and nothing was called! I was speechless.

So after all of the shoddy refereeing, the terrible run defense, the complete absence of our own running game, and the injury to Justin Tuck that Flozell Adams caused by tripping him (asshole), the ball was in Eli's hands at the end of the 4th quarter for him to drive us down the field and win the game, which is all you can really ever ask for. For all his faults, Eli is absolutely money in big games, and even better in the 2-minute drill, and there's no way you can argue that. He predictably drove us down into field-goal range, after which "The Walking Heart Attack" Lawrence Tynes actually hit the 37-yarder to win it. Unreal. It's never easy with this team.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 8

Zeppelin Hall Biergarten

Biergarten is a German word, which translated into English means Beer Garden. Duh... or does it? Perhaps biergarten translated into English is "a tiny slice of heaven," because that's precisely what it is. A Beer Garden is a wide-open area, usually outdoors, with a plethora of long, wooden tables and benches for people to sit at. Then there are numerous large bars for said people to acquire delicious beverages from, and by delicious beverages, I of course mean beer. Lots and lots of beer. More beer than you can dream of. And it's good beer. They're not pouring Milwaukee's Best at the Beer Garden. There's also food at these establishments to help soak up the massive amounts of beer you're depositing into your stomach.

To go to one of these meccas of drinking, you used to have to go to Germany. Oktoberfest is an event we're all familiar with, and the purpose of the Beer Garden is to emulate the feelings and tradition of Oktoberfest all year long. We'll call it Awesomefest. Sorry, bad joke. Anyway, going to Germany was inconvenient and a hassle, so some genius in Queens put one in Astoria, called the Bohemian Hall and Beer Garden, which was great, and a lot of fun, but not terribly convenient for those of us in the great state of New Jersey. Then, for whatever reason, another Beer Garden was built in Queens, called Studio Square. But that is a Beer Garden fraud, as they have a full bar and serve bullshit froofy drinks. No thank you. Finally though, God himself shined down upon us and commanded a great man to build a Beer Garden in the greatest state in the union, New Jersey. It has been done, and now in wonderful Jersey City there is the Zeppelin Hall Biergarten, the greatest Beer Garden in the greatest state.



These are the things that make New Jersey's biergarten the best biergarten:

Beer
There is more beer here than you can shake a stick at, and believe me, you can shake a stick at A LOT of beer. They've got everything from wheat beers to stouts, and all kinds in between. My favorite lately has been the Spaten Oktoberfest, which I get in the gigantic 1 liter mug. The 1 liter mug is great because you have to go to the bar less, which means less walking and less effort, which always leads to more beer consumption, which then results in this:



Food
All kinds of sweet grub is available here, from the burgers and wings, to the schnitzels, to the main attractions - the brats and sausages. There are few things in this world greater than being handed a big plate of brats from a chesty German lady to go along with your huge mug of beer. Mmmmmmmm.

Weather-Proof Fun Times
Yes, the main attraction (aside from beer) of a Beer Garden is that it is outside, so you can chill in the fresh air with your homies and throw down a couple large ones. But what if it's raining or snowing and you still have a hankerin' for some big beers and schnitzel? They have a huge indoor section here as well! Problem solved.

No Annoying Music
Often if you go to a bar to have a few drinks with some friends, you have to yell and scream at each other to be able to hear over the insanely loud jukebox playing the newest Lady Gaga jam. Not here, however. When there are bands, they are often awesome, which their German themed costumes and music. Or they're playing the audio from whatever sporting event is being shone on the gigantic projector screens and TVs. No yelling necessary here.

So really if you think about it, the Jersey City Beer Garden is the perfect place to go. Beer? Check. Food? Check. Sweet bands or sports? Check. Friends? Check (unless you go alone, loser). And, as if you needed even more incentive to go, Oktoberfest is going on there starting this Friday, the 18th, all the way through Sunday the 27th. So come on down to the greatest biergarten in the US, in the greatest state in the US, and chug and huge beer while stuffing sausage down your throat. You won't regret it.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 9/14

I was all psyched to get the free preview of NFL Sunday Ticket on Sunday from DirecTV, but now I can't watch it... BECAUSE I'M GOIN' TO THE GIANTS GAME!!!! Those of you who know me know how much of a psycho Giants fan I am, and you can imagine how ridiculously excited I am for this. Now you people who were going to come over to my apartment and watch the game with me can breathe a sigh of relief since I won't be around to throw a beer bottle at your face when the Giants turn the ball over.

After wolfing down way too much Taco Bell (though can you ever really eat too much Taco Bell?), the woman and I watched Eagle Eye, because it was the only movie that was starting on any of our movie channels when we were flipping through the channel menu. And I must say, for a movie that was so poorly reviewed, I thought it was pretty sweet. The story was fairly ridiculous and hard to believe, but it was really intense and fun to watch. I highly suggest it as something to watch on a rainy day if you're looking for some mindless action.

I finally had the chance to watch the finale of Hard Knocks, the greatest show on television right now. If you aren't familiar with the show, basically it's a documentary-style series that HBO does every year during NFL training camp. They pick one team, this year being the Cincinnati Bengals, and follow them throughout camp. You learn about the inner-workings of the franchise, you get entertained by some of the more flamboyant characters on the team, most notably Esteban Ocho Cinco, and you get to learn about some of the more obscure players that you wouldn't normally notice. Even if you couldn't care less about football, it's really interesting just for the character studies, because you get to dive into the psyche of players who are playing football because they love the game and are giving their all just so they can barely make the team and live to play another day. It's riveting stuff.

The woman and I finally caught up on Hung by watching the 3 episodes we were behind. It's not the greatest show, but every week it does just enough to keep me coming back for more. I like Thomas Jane, and I think the lead female character who plays his pimp is really well acted, but there's something missing, and I can't quite put my finger on what exactly it is. I like it enough though, and I know that the season finale Sunday night will somehow involve Jane's character being sent to "service" his ex-wife. It's inevitable.

Congratulations to Derek Jeter. The Captain of the Yankees broke Lou Gehrig's all-time hits record for a Yankee tonight, and if there was anyone to ever break the Iron Horse's record, Jeter is the man to do it. He personifies everything it means to be a Yankee, playing the game the way it's meant to be played day in and day out. If every player played the game with the same kind of effort, drive and determination that Jeter plays with every night, the game would be that much better for it. Not to mention that he is King Bachelor of the Earth. Have you seen his hit-list?! SHIT YO.

I saw tonight on ESPN's Bottom Line that the charges against Shawne Merriman were dropped. Allegedly he choked out and beat Tile Tequila last week at his home when she was shitfaced and trying to drive home. She kept trying to tell everyone that she doesn't drink and that he was lying, but apparently he was telling the truth because there was insufficient evidence and the case was dropped. I mentioned this to Megan, and she said, "yeah, cuz she's a drunken whore." Well said sweetie.

The Madden curse is real. You have all heard the story, where the NFL player who is on the cover of the yearly Madden NFL video game either gets hurt, has a crappy season, or his team plays poorly and misses the playoffs. Well this year, the cover is shared by Steelers safety Troy Polamalu and Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald, and low and behold, the curse has already struck! In fact, it literally took 1 QUARTER for the curse to happen. Polamalu apparently has a strained MCL in his knee and his out 3-6 weeks. You better watch out Larry, THE CURSE IS COMIN' TO GIT YA!

I helped Rory's sister move into the city today, and I must say, I love moving. But not when it's me who's actually moving. It's awesome because you get a good workout, you get to bond over lifting insanely heavy couches and things, you inevitably get free food and beer, and you get to tap into your inner-interior designer once all the crap is in the apartment/home. Plus, you don't have to deal with all the bullshit that's involved in moving that you have to do when you're the one who's doing the moving. It's excellent.

If you've never watched Tool Academy, do yourself a favor and watch it - right now in fact. It's currently in it's second season on VH1, and it is better than ever. The basic premise of the show is that girlfriends who are sick of their cheating, asshole boyfriends trick them into entering the Tool Academy, where the instructor and the counselor attempt to reform them so that they can have a good and meaningful relationship with their girlfriends. But the best part is that they get the biggest douches you will ever meet for this show, guys who cheat constantly, take longer to get ready to go clubbin' than most girls, and think they are God's gift to this earth. Basically they took your typical Hoboken d-bag, put him on douche steroids, and put him on the show. It's incredible to see how big of a train wreck their lives become when their lies and secrets are revealed to their girlfriends. It's incredible television, and you need it in your life. I swear.

The Notre Dame - Michigan college football game was a lot of fun to watch, though I don't agree one iota with the claim the announcers kept making about this being a "program-changing" win for Michigan. Yes, they lost a lot last year. But this is a win over Notre Dame we're talking about here. Not Florida or Oklahoma. ND has been shit recently, so it'll take a little more for Michigan to get back to where they're used to being at. As for the game itself, the Michigan receiver who dropped the pass in the end zone would have been shot on campus if they hadn't scored on the next play to win the game. What a bad drop. Moving on the USC - Ohio St. game: what a boring and awful game. What was billed as the marquee matchup of the week, and maybe the whole season, turned out to be about as exciting as two crappy Division 3 schools going at it, only with 106,000 people watching. Ohio St. dominated USC for long stretches of the game, but they could never put them away because Terrelle Pryor is so awful. He is just a terrible quarterback, who time and time again made such bad decisions and even worse throws. He's like a shitty version of Vince Young, or rather, the NFL version of Vince Young. Just terrible, and it was only a matter of time before USC came back and won, which they did.

On SportsCenter tonight, they showed the highlights from Serena Williams' semifinal match at the US Open. On match point, the line judge called a line violation of some sort on Serena, and she proceeded to go APE SHIT. ESPN showed her yelling at the judge, while bleeping out her cursing, but it was pretty easy to see what she was saying. An excerpt: "I'm gonna take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat!" The judge got scared, told the head official, and Serena was given a point penalty, which lost her the match since it was match point for Kim Clijsters. I can't blame the judge for being intimidated by Serena. She is a monster, and I would be scared shitless by her. She could kick the crap out of me with one hand tied behind her back.

I can't even sleep past 9:00 AM today because I am SO EXCITED FOR THE NFL SEASON, IN PARTICULAR THE GIANTS GAME THAT I AM GOING TO YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Speaking of which, here is my review of the G-Men's opening week 23-17 victory over the Washington Redskins:

For an opening game, it wasn't a terrible effort and a win is certainly a win, especially when it's in the division like today's game was. We never really could get too much going on the ground, and it was particularly frustrating that we couldn't convert 3rd and 1's too well. We have a 260-pound running back. There's no excuse. The passing game was somewhat effective, with Eli hitting a lot of short, quick routes. Steve Smith was good over the middle, and Mario Manningham made some nice plays, especially his 30-yard touchdown reception where he broke 3 tackles. 

As for the defense, the pass rush was decent, though it only came from the edges. The push from the middle was nonexistent. Osi Umenyiora made the play of the day when he stripped the ball from Jason Campbell, recovered the fumble, and ran it back for a touchdown. He is a freak, and it will be a pleasure watching him kill quarterbacks again this year after he was out all of last year. Our run defense was fine except for the first offensive play of the game for the 'Skins, and the pass defense was good, especially on Corey Webster's interception. Lawrence Tynes even hit all of his field goals and extra points. Hooray for miracles!

So there were some positives to take from this game, but there also were some negatives, particularly with injuries, which always seem to be a problem for the Giants. Danny Ware dislocated his elbow on the opening kick return of the game, which is bad, and Hakeem Nicks apparently sprained his foot, which he doesn't think is a big deal, but I have a bad feeling it will be. Justin Tuck also looked tired and beat, which isn't a good sign seeing as it was the first game of the year. But as I said, a win's a win, and we'll certainly take it going into Dallas next week. Hopefully we can help Jerry open his brandy-new stadium in style by kicking the Cowgirls' asses!

I have one word for Jay Cutler: OVERRATED.

Ugh. Another week of work.

2009 NFL Preview: PLAYOFFS!? YOU TALKIN' ABOUT... PLAYOFFS?!?

I've got to quickly get my playoff predictions in here so I don't post them after the first game of the season happens tonight and you guys all whine and cry about how I used the game to see how the Steelers and Titans would fare this year. Jerks.

Wild-Card Weekend

Bears over Panthers

Jake Delhomme will throw 7 interceptions in the first game of the playoffs for the Panthers, one-upping his performance from last year in this Bears victory.

Giants over Cardinals

The Road Warriors are at it again as they return to the site of their Super Bowl XLII victory and punish Kurt Warner enough for him to actually retire at halftime.

Colts over Patriots

Peyton Manning, making the offensive play-calls as usual, actually calls the defense in this game too, effectively getting into Tom Brady's head so bad that he calls too many audibles at the line and commits 16 delay-of-game penalties.

Chargers over Ravens

Shawne Merriman chokes out Joe Flacco's girlfriend before the game, therefore throwing him off his game just enough to where the Chargers can eke out the victory.

Divisional Playoffs

Packers over Bears

Aaron Rodgers' scruffy man-beard is too much for Brian Urlacher to handle, as he decides Rodgers is too cute for him to actually sack. Rodgers then throws for 625 yards in the Packers victory.

Giants over Eagles

Michael Vick, the starting quarterback for the Eagles at this point, tries to escape the Giants relentless pass rush by running backwards as far as he can go. This results in a safety in overtime, a Giants win, and one dead Cock-a-poo after the game because Vick is so pissed.

Colts over Titans

Nate Washington can only do so much for the Titans, as is 7 catch, 153 yard performance isn't enough to overcome the Colts defense, which featured Peyton Manning himself at middle linebacker.

Chargers over Steelers

Philip Rivers and company march into Heinz Field and defeat the Steelers. After the game we will learn that the Steelers had too much Primanti Bros. and Iron City Lager the previous night, which is why Ben Roethlisberger was on the shitter instead of the field for the second half.

Conference Championships

Giants over Packers

In a rematch of the NFC Championship 2 seasons ago, the Giants once again emerge victorious when Lawrence Tynes FINALLY hits a field goal in overtime on his 7th attempt at a game-winner. It is a tropical 97 degrees in Green Bay on this day.

Chargers over Colts

There's only so much Peyton Manning can do this time, as Norv Turner's offensive machinations and expert coaching are just too much for the cerebral signal-caller. Apparently Turner had been hiding under the guise of a shitty coach all these years! Tricky bastard!

Super Bowl XLIII

Giants over Chargers

In a battle of quarterbacks that were traded for each other in the 2004 NFL Draft, Eli prevails over Philip Rivers and wins his second Super Bowl MVP trophy. I then become insufferable at this point in my life, and I lose all of my friends.

Breathe it in folks!

2009 NFL Preview: NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles
Record Last Year: 9-6-1
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
What the hell is wrong with me? Am I, a die-hard New York Giants fan, actually picking the Eagles to win the division? I must be coming down with the Ebola Virus or something. Andy Reid needs to lose weight and bail his drug-ridden children out of jail on a regular basis. Donovan McNabb is the most insecure quarterback you will ever see who was benched for Kevin Kolb last year. They signed a backup quarterback, Michael Vick, who tortures and kills small puppies. Brian Westbrook is old and is always hurt. Hank Baskett managed to bag a Playboy model even though he is a shitty receiver. DeSean Jackson spikes the ball when he scores touchdowns before he actually makes it into the end zone. Shawn Andrews is schizophrenic. Stewart Bradley, their best linebacker, is done for the year with a torn ACL. Sheldon Brown is unhappy with his contract. Asante Samuel has a knack for dropping key interceptions. And all of this means they're going to finish 12-4? Excuse me while I pour a pot of boiling water all over my testicles. 

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Michael Vick - If you can't get D.J. Shockley on your team, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to, Michael Vick is your man. He has been the ultimate running quarterback in Madden for years, and since there are no virtual dogs for him to kill in Madden, you never have to worry about him getting arrested or suspended! Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Macho Harris - If Macho's mom named him this, then she has mental problems. But most likely, Macho is a nickname he gave himself and decided to keep as his "first name," because he thinks he's all tough and shit. Well Macho, you're an Eagle. You are not tough.



New York Giants
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
Ah, finally. A real team to write about. The New York Football Giants - a man's team, unlike those girly girls in Dallas or Philly. Fresh off our miraculous and incredible victory in Super Bowl XLII over the previously undefeated Patriots, the Giants last year were rolling towards another Super Bowl appearance at 11-1. Many considered them the best team in the NFL, and with the league's best running game and one of it's most dominant defenses, it was hard to argue that point. Then that f-ing idiot Plaxico Burress had to shoot himself, literally weeks after I had bought his jersey, and it was at that point that the Giants' season took a turn for the worse. Plax wasn't having the greatest of statistical seasons, but he was so good that the opposing team's defense always had to double-team him, thereby keeping the safeties away from the line of scrimmage and making it easier for us to run the ball. Without Plax there however, teams would put 8 defenders in the box and dare Eli to throw it, which didn't end up being terribly successful because: 1) we had no playmakers at wideout, and 2) Eli can't really throw in the wind, which is a problem when you play your home games at Giants Stadium. A first round playoff exit was inevitable, and of course happened.

This year, however, the Giants should be back to make another run at a Super Bowl. Osi Umenyiora, who was out all of last year with a knee injury, is back, and with him, Justin Tuck and Mathias Kiwanuka, we have the most feared trio of defensive ends in the game. Quarterbacks league-wide will be peeing themselves when they come to the line of scrimmage in anticipation of them getting their asses kicked by our pass rush. The running game should continue to be great, as Brandon Jacobs returns, only this year with Ahmad Bradshaw as his main sidekick, who is a superstar in waiting. Our only big question though (aside from how shitty Lawrence Tynes is) remains the wide receivers. With Plax currently "making friends" in jail, and Amani Toomer not being brought back after a very distinguished career in Blue, the Giants will rely on any combination of Domenick Hixon, Steve Smith, Mario Manningham, Hakeem Nicks, Ramses Barden and Sinorice Moss to make plays for them. If they can, expect the G-Men to make a run at a Super Bowl. If not... still expect them to make a run. I have faith!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Kenny Phillips - At the fresh-off-the-vine young age of 22, Mr. Phillips is ripe for progression as your starting free safety. With 90 speed and 94 acceleration, which are good numbers for a safety, you can fly all over the field laying the wood or picking off wayward passes. Stud in real life. Stud in Madden. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Eli Manning - I would have gone with fullback Madison Hedgecock for obvious reasons (he he he... he said cock... he he), but Scotty needs a quarterback, and who better than the cutest man in all the world, Eli Manning! He stars in almost as many commercials as his brother Peyton these days, and even though he's not quite the actor his brother is, he's getting better. His 'aw shucks' personality translates well to the small screen, and Scotty loves him.



Dallas Cowboys
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
Dallas sucks. Their owner, Jerry Jones, has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers, and he can't even build a stadium right so that punters don't hit his ridiculous video board. Head coach Wade Phillips is the second coming of Rich Kotite. Tony Romo continuously chokes in the big spot, so they'll never win anything with him. "God's Quarterback" Jon Kitna is the backup, but it rarely seems like he's being guided by a higher power when he's actually playing. Marion Barber can't carry the load for an entire game. Felix Jones can't get on the field. Roy Williams isn't as good as most people think he is. Patrick Crayton talks the most shit I've ever seen for someone who hasn't actually done anything in the league. Keith Brooking could be a grandfather. Bobby Carpenter and his pretty ponytail are both huge busts. DeMarcus Ware isn't as good as Justin Tuck, though everyone thinks he is because he's a Cowboy. Terence Newman is overrated. Maybe 9-7 is too high for them? Who knows, but I'm done writing about them because I hate them. This NFL Preview is purely objective, by the way.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Felix Jones - The speedy running back is a 96 speed with 97 acceleration, which in real-life causes him to pull hamstrings, but lucky for you that's not a problem in Madden! Don't trade for him! He's a freakin' Cowboy!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Igor Olshansky - Scotty always needs someone on his team who sounds like they were the Hunchback's best friend up in the bell tower, or Dr. Frankenstein's hump-backed servent who pulls the switch. Either way, he sounds like he has a hump on his back, so maybe he's like a camel and can go for days and days in intense heat without having to pee.



Washington Redskins
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
The Redskins are one of the most poorly run franchises in sports. Dan Snyder, the owner, thinks that he can run the 'Skins like the Yankees, only he seems to not realize that there is a salary cap in football. Oops! Then this offseason they stooped to new lows when they began suing people who could no longer pay for their season tickets because they had lost their jobs, had gotten sick and had to use the money for medical bills, etc. Real classy, Dan. As far as the team goes, quarterback Jason Campbell must be awesome because they tried to replace him twice this offseason but failed to do so. Clinton Portis wears down over the season and isn't as effective towards the end. Malcolm Kelly is a bust. Devin Thomas is a bust. Antwaan Randle-El isn't actually that good of a receiver even though they pay him like one. Chris Cooley likes to show his wang on the internet. Albert Haynesworth got paid $100 million, and he only plays 50% of the snaps (smart money Dan!). DeAngelo Hall is ridiculously overrated but thinks he's Deion Sanders. All of this adds up to yet another season that will fall short of expectations in the nation's capital. Go Nationals!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
DeAngelo Hall - He may be shitty and overrated in real life, but DeAngelo Hall is a stud in Madden. He has 97 speed and 96 acceleration, and is still only 25 years old, so you can use him for a few years before trading him. But first, trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
No one - This is kind of a let down seeing as it's the last team I'm previewing, but there is actually no one on this team with an interesting/funny/ridiculous enough name to make it onto Scotty's fantasy team, or yours if you draft like Scotty. For shame, Washington.

2009 NFL Preview: NFC North

Green Bay Packers
Record Last Year: 6-10
Record This Year: 13-3

Team Overview:
Last year was an interesting one for the Packers, beginning with Mr. Indecision retiring in the off-season after throwing his last pass in a Packers uniform to Corey Webster in the NFC Championship game. Unluckily for Green Bay, Webster plays for the Giants, who went on to win that game (and the Super Bowl, if you needed to be reminded). So Senor D-Bag cried and cried, and all the saps in Green Bay cried with him... until he wanted back in, when head coach Mike McCarthy had already committed to Aaron Rodgers as his starting quarterback. Assface eventually cried his way to the Jets, and the Packers finally began their season with modest expectations because it was Rodgers' first year as starter. Well it turned out that he was fine, but the defense was awful. This year will be different for the Pack, as Rodgers is joined by a finally healthy Ryan Grant and superstar wideout Greg Jennings. The defense should also be vastly inproved, with new defensive coordinator Dom Capers installing a 3-4 defense and bringing in personnel to work in it, such as first-round picks B.J. Raji (the future Gilbert Brown) and Clay Matthews. Green Bay can finally forget about The Traitor and move on with life with Aaron Rodgers putting up huge numbers... until of course he comes to Green Bay in a Vikings uniform.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
B.J. Raji - It always helps to have a big fattie in the middle of your defensive line who can not only stop the run but also take up blockers so you can rush the quarterback with your linebackers, and Raji fits the bill. He's only 23 years old so you can progress him for many years, and he has a 93 strength rating, which is useful for a guy on the line. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Atari Bigby - Cyril Obiozor is the obvious pick here, because what the hell kind of name is that? But it's tough to pass up a guy who's named after your first video game system. Just think of how many hours of joy that were brought to your childhood by your Atari system, and you can reminisce every time you see Mr. Bigby make a tackle.



Chicago Bears
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
Da Bears, whose identity is completely about a tough running game and a dominant defense, only had the first of those last year. Rookie running back Matt Forte started and was fantastic last year, despite the fact that Kyle Orton and Sexy Rexy Grossman were the quarterbacks and they had no receivers for them to throw the ball to. The defense, however, was another story. Brian Urlacher regressed and began to look old, perhaps because of injuries, the defensive line wasn't as good as it normally is, and the defensive backfield stopped making the big plays it had grown accustomed to making, also most likely because of injuries. Expect this year to be different. The Bears acquired Jay Cutler to be their franchise quarterback after he whined his way out of Denver, and as long as he makes better decisions and doesn't throw too many interceptions, it won't matter that their best receiver is a converted cornerback (Devin Hester). Urlacher is supposedly the healthiest he's been in a while, defensive tackle Tommie Harris should be back to full strength and all things are pointing to Mark Anderson remembering how to sack the quarterback, so things are lookin' up in the Windy City. Crack open a cold Old Style! Actually don't. It's disgusting.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Devin Hester - This is the easiest call I'll make in this entire NFL Preview. Get Devin Hester on your Madden team. He is a 99 speed and 98 acceleration, so line him up as your kick returner and take no less than 10 back for a touchdown every year. The Stud is a necessity for any successful franchise. I don't know why you're still reading this. Go get him! Actually wait... finish reading my boring dribble, then go and trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Will Ta'ufo'ou - I haven't given Scotty any Samoans recently, so I decided that this guy would be the right time to do so. His completely normal first name is perfectly contradicted with a nearly unpronouncable last name, almost like the way salt and sugar can complement each other perfectly when used right in a culinary treat. The allure of the 2 apostrophes in separate places in one name is something I can barely handle either. How remarkable!



Minnesota Vikings
Record Last Year: 10-6
Record This Year: 10-6

Team Overview:
Last year, the Vikings rode a very good defense and the best running back in football, Adrian Peterson, to a 10-6 record and the NFC North championship. They also did all of this with the pu pu platter of quarterbacks, Gus Frerotte and Tarvaris Jackson. Frerotte is best known for ramming his head into a wall and spraining his own neck while celebrating a touchdown against the Giants in 1997... in a game that ended in a 7-7 tie. Idiot. Jackson on the other hand is not best known for stupidly injuring himself, but merely just for sucking. So the Vikes went out and traded for career backup Sage Rosenfels to be there quarterback. Apparently that wasn't enough for them though, as Brad Childress began flirting like a school girl with the recently retired Gunslinger, who eventually decided he was going to stay retired for the year. But Childress couldn't help himself, and after Rosenfels and Jackson played well in their first preseason game, he went begging on hands and knees to Sir Shits-a-Lot to come back and save them, losing all of his credibility with his players in the process. Predictably the Ass Monkey came back, so now of course everyone is blowing their nuts over how amazing the Vikings are going to be. I say they'll finish with the exact same record, only finish in 3rd this year because the rest of the division, sans Lions, has gotten better. Too bad!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Percy Harvin - 97 speed and 98 acceleration for this 21 year old rookie wide receiver out of Florida make him quite the delightful addition to your Madden franchise. You can use him as a kick returner if you don't have Devin Hester (YOU'RE STUPID IF YOU DON'T), but mostly you can line him up at slot receiver and run go routes and out patterns all day long until the defense finally just gives up and concedes the game to you. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Husain Abdullah - This one was easy. A hallmark of Scotty's fantasy teams, if possible, is always a player named after an evil, murderous dictator, in this case Saddam Hussein. The poor guy never had a choice, and yet he is cursed for the rest of his life with the fact that anytime someone says his name they will think of genocide, torture and sweet mustaches. Awesome!



Detroit Lions
Record Last Year: 0-16
Record This Year: 2-14

Team Overview:
Things couldn't have gotten much worse for the Detroit Lions last year. The offense sucked. The defense sucked. The special teams sucked. They were the first team in NFL history to go 0-16. The city was burning down around them due to the economy. No fans came to the games, and those that did just booed the crap out of them. I'd say the season can be summed up with one play: when QB Dan Orlovsky took a snap with his back against his own endzone, rolled out - and stepped out of bounds without even realizing it, resulting in a safety. Talk about pathetic. But hark! There is hope! The worst GM in history, Matt Millen, was fired, and the savior of the franchise was drafted number 1 overall, quarterback Matthew Stafford out of Georgia. SHOCKER! IT WASN'T A WIDE RECEIVER! He will begin the year as the starting quarterback, and he can expect to get his ass beat on a regular basis, as the Lions still have a loooooong way to go back towards respectability. At least they won't go 0-16 this year again! I think... Sorry this overview was short Lions fan(s), but Jurassic Park is on and I'm too distracted.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Calvin Johnson - I guess I have to pick someone from this team just to give Detroit something to believe in, so I'll make it this beast of a wide receiver. In real life of course he is unbelievably good, perhaps only surpassed by Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald on the wide receiver totem poll, but he's a bit slow for my taste in Madden, with a 95 speed and 94 acceleration, though I don't use my #1 receivers too much anyway. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Gosder Cherilus - Because Scotty can never have enough offensive lineman, and because Gosder is a sweet name. To me, the name reminds me of a super redneck teenager who loves NASCAR, shoots squirrels with a bee-bee gun, has been chewing tobacco since he was 12, only has 6 teeth and loves wrasslin' with wild boars in his free time. Yeeeeeeee haw!

Thank you, 85

(Crying tears of joy while everyone at work stares at me like I'm some sort of freak)

Ok I'm good now.

By now all you Giants fans out there have heard the sad news about David Tyree being cut from the team after this year's preseason. Sadly, it was inevitable. He was out all of last year with various injuries, then tried to come back this year and make the team, only to be plagued by inconsistency and, once again, more injuries. Perhaps it's fitting then that the last catch he ever made in a Giants uniform, in the last game he ever played in a Giants uniform, was the one in the video above. And because of this, I think I speak for Giants fans everywhere when I say:

Thank you, David.

Thank you for giving us a memory that will last a lifetime. It was you who caught Eli's first touchdown pass in the 4th quarter to give us the 10-7 lead, and it was you who was on the other end of the miracle that is now considered by many to be the greatest play in Super Bowl history. We are eternally grateful to you for what you did for us on February 3, 2008, because not only did it provide us with the greatest thrill of our lives, but it provided us with a story that we'll be able to tell our children, and others, for years to come. It was the perfect end to the most improbable playoff run we'll ever see, and it would not have been possible without your heroics.

We also thank you for playing football the way the Giants are supposed to play football for as long as you were here. Ever since you entered the league in 2003, you've played with heart, you've played with passion, and most of all you've played with toughness that few players can match. We'll always remember fondly you barreling down the field at full speed on special teams, inevitably tackling the return man for no gain or negative yardage. A Pro Bowler in 2005, you were the best special teams player many had ever seen. As a wide receiver, you never amassed more than 19 catches in a season, but by not putting on your diva suit like most wide receivers do these days, you were the personification of class. The ultimate team player. And also a gentlemen. The photo here is of you graciously granting my request for an autograph and chatting with me for a second before a TV interview instead of blowing me off like most athletes would. Rest assured, I'll never forget that moment.



David, we wish you luck with wherever your future takes you. Whichever team signs you this year, and I know someone will, they will be lucky to have you. You can never have enough David Tyree's on your team, and I know at some point this year, us Giants fans will look at each other during a game and say, "David Tyree would have made that play."

Thank you, 85.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - Post Labor Day Edition

LeGarrette Blount is an idiot. He is of course the University of Oregon running back who sucker-punched Boise St. defensive end Byron Hout in the jaw after Hout taunted him after Boise St's season-opening victory Thursday night. Yes, Hout provoked him and should probably be punished in some way, but that is no excuse for Blount losing his mind and trying to go all UFC on the entire stadium. First, he socked Hout in the jaw, then as his teammates were holding him back, he hit one of them in the face. HE HIT HIS TEAMMATE IN THE FACE. Finally, as he was leaving the field, he tried to do his best Ron Artest imitation and go into the stands and fight Boise St. fans. I can't fathom being that stupid. The University was right to suspend him for the year, which just so happens to be his senior year, so his career is over. He was also rated as a 2nd or 3rd round pick in the NFL Draft next year. He can kiss that goodbye too. I hope that punch was worth it, LeGarrette.

After playing Guitar Hero: World Tour for a while tonight, we watched our Spring Break 2006 video. We were down in Panama City, Florida for our Spring Break senior year of college, and we video-taped the entire thing. Lots of ridiculous shenanigans went down, and great times were had by all. Rory did an awesome job of editing the entire experience into a 2 1/2 hour video split between 2 DVDs that we'll be able to watch for the rest of your lives. Or at least until our future wives burn it when we're not looking.

We turned on the TV to check out whatever college football was on Saturday morning, and the first game we happened upon was Syracuse against Minnesota. And believe it or not, Greg Paulus was the starting quarterback for the 'Cuse. Yep, the same Greg Paulus that just finished his senior season as point guard at Duke. It doesn't say too many good things about your football program when a guy who hasn't even picked up a football since high school is your starting QB over the other guys on the roster. Of course he just led them to a touchdown as I wrote this, but I won't consider inserting my foot into my mouth until he actually leads them to some wins, which he did not do on Saturday.

Ian and I had an epic brainstorming session that resulted in what I believe to be two ground-breaking inventions, both of which will make your lives just a little bit easier. Are you ever annoyed that sometimes you have to get up in the middle of a favorite TV show of yours because you have to go and drop a deuce? Well be annoyed no more! The Shit Couch looks like your regular, everyday comfy couch, but the luxurious exterior hides a fully-functional septic system that allows you to shit while you sit! Just lower your shorts slightly enough so no one notices, and let loose the hounds of bowel relief through the hole in the cushions. But wait, there's more! Introducing the Poop Tube, an octopus-like tube system that runs throughout your house, giving you 24-7 access to the toilet without ever going to the bathroom. Just put on the official Poop Tube shorts or pants that have a hole in the butt, insert the Poop Tube into your ass, and just go about life like you normally would! The poop tube stays with you through thick and thin, literally, and allows you to evacuate your waste without taking time out of your day! I'll let you all know when both are for sale, but you can pre-order both of these wonderful products for the low-low price of $150,00 by sending your name, credit card info and shipping address to jerseyisbest@gmail.com.

I'm sure you've all seen those ridiculous Cheez-It commercials by now where some idiot kid comes up with a stupid reason as to how they get so much cheese into each cracker. In one, the kid tells us about a secret place in the desert where scientists gather, hold a gigantic wedge of cheese that must weigh 2 tons over the plain cracker with a crane, and use rays from the sun to explode the cheese onto the cracker. This is just an awful idea. First, it is not cost-effective at all, what with having to hire all of those scientists, develop a base in the desert to carry out this absurd operation, and pay for tons and tons of cheese just to make 1 cracker. Second, the process is as far from efficient as you could possibly be. All that time for 1 cracker?! It must take years just to fill one box. And finally, it's a waste of valuable man-power. All of those scientists could be tucked away in a lab somewhere curing cancer or figuring out how to make a car run on urine instead of making a cracker cheesy. It's all very ludicrous, and that kid should be given a time-out.

We watched the end of the Melanie Oudin - Maria Sharapova tennis match because Sharapova is very nice to look at. Oudin is the 17 year old American who is making a big run in the US Open, but the main reason she won this match against Sharapova was because Sharapova couldn't get a freakin' serve in. She must have double-faulted a million times and just handed the match to Oudin - wait. Why am I writing about women's tennis? Sorry, I'll stop now.

I had major Madden success this weekend against my arch-nemesis Rory, and it was all thanks to players I told you that you needed for your franchise in my NFL Preview. My Browns and his Ravens met in the AFC Championship game, and I emerged victorious thanks to the steady quarterback play of D.J. Shockley and the 30 rushes for 228 yards and 2 touchdowns by Reggie Bush - further evidence that you need them both on your team. I went on to win Super Bowl XLII against the Seahawks, giving Cleveland it's first ever Super Bowl championship - before I take the Browns away for the second time and move them to Anchorage to become the Baboons! Sorry Cleveland!

A night that began with enormous amounts of Taco Bell and Forgetting Sarah Marshall (I can think of few better combinations) continued with the USA - El Salvador World Cup qualifier in Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a must-win for the US if they wanted to keep pace with Costa Rica, Mexico and Honduras in the region, and they took care of business with a 2-1 win. It was not without struggle though, as they fell behind 1-0 before Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore both scored before halftime. Altidore added a 3rd US goal in the second half that was disallowed for some ridiculous reason that was unbeknownst to everyone in the stadium. Then the US got really sloppy, allowing El Salvador chance after chance to tie the score. Tim Howard had to make a really good save towards the end of the game, but the US did hang on for the win in what was a performance they won't take too many good things from. Not their best effort by any stretch of the imagination.

We typically follow our Annual Labor Day Softball Extravaganza with a barbecue at one of our apartments that is complete with good food, good friends, tons of beer and whiskey, and cornhole. This year, our organizational skills left something to be desired, so we went to the Jersey City Beer Garden after softball instead. While walking to the Beer Garden, a friend of mine mentioned how she had waited on Eli Manning and his wife at the restaurant she works at. After telling me what the Mannings had ordered, she proceeded to say that Eli was a bad tipper. I found that hard to believe, so I asked how much he tipped. Her answer: 20%. As far as I'm concerned, 20% is a good tip, above the standard 18%. Her argument was that because he makes millions of dollars every year and can afford to tip exorbitantly, he should. Is it right to believe that? Should rich people be held to a higher standard of tipping just because they make more than you or I? I think 20% is 20%, and it's a good tip, regardless of who is giving it, and that the rich shouldn't have to lavish their riches on you just because they can afford to do so. Your thoughts?

While at the Beer Garden, a bunch of us began discussing the charges against Chargers LB Shawne Merriman. He allegedly choked out MTV reality "star" Tila Tequila and held her against her will in his home. His side of the story is that she was shitfaced and wanted to drive home, so he tried to keep her there until safe transportation for her arrived. He also claims he never hurt her. Now, if the part about her being drunk and wanting to drive home is true, we argued that Merriman actually saved lives by choking her out. If he had allowed her to leave and drive home, it's possible that she may have gotten into a drunk-driving accident and killed people. So by chokin'-a-bitch, Merriman saved the lives of the innocent people who were driving on the same route that she would have taken. It's obviously a terrible thing if he did actually hit her as there are certainly other ways to prevent her from driving drunk, but you never know if she would have killed someone if she had left. Just some food for thought.

Another commercial that annoys the shit out of me is that stupid Chase commercial where the wife comes out into the living room to show her husband the new dress she bought. When he sees this, he talks about how they should use their Chase Sapphire points to go on vacation, all while she's trying to tell him they can't. When he's done trying to convince her that they should go on vacation, she reveals to him that they can't because she used all the points on her dress... and he smiles. He smiles?!?!? I would go nuts if my wife deprived me of a vacation because she used all of my points on a stupid dress!!! This guy is obviously pussy-whipped beyond all reasonable doubt, and his friends should send out an APB on his nuts. Chase should be ashamed of themselves for using this sorry excuse of a man in their commercial. Weak sauce!

I watched Rutgers: The State University of New Jersey's first college football game of the year against Cincinnati today, and let's just say that those who picked Rutgers to win the Big East this year may already be contemplating how dumb they're going to look at the end of the year. Rutgers, in a word, sucked. Cincinnati absolutely had their way with Rutgers in every way imaginable, and the game quickly turned into a bloodbath, which was fitting since the Rutgers home crowd calls themselves the "Sea of Red." And speaking of college football, if I have to hear that stupid Kenny Chesney song/montage ESPN is playing at every moment they possibly can during college football telecasts one more time, I'm going to jump off our 18th-floor balcony and hope I land on some rusty fence posts. It's that bad. ESPN - Please stop. I beg you. Kenny Chesney SUCKS, just like all country music.

My thoughts on the Giants cuts as they got down to the final 53-man roster for the start of the regular season: It wasn't surprising that we released David Tyree, who couldn't seem to put together a consistent camp and was injured, but it's really sad at the same time. Tyree was one of the best special teams performers you'll see, and provided us Giants fans with one of the greatest memories we'll ever have with his miracle catch in Super Bowl XLII. More on him in a later post. We also cut DE Maurice Evans, who showed a lot of promise and is really talented, but just couldn't make the roster because we have so much depth and talent on our defensive line. I was hoping he would clear waivers so we could sign him to our practice squad, but he was claimed by Tampa Bay and put on their active roster. Sucks for us, good for him. And finally, THANK GOD we cut Andre Woodson, who is one of the worst quarterbacks I have ever seen in my life. He makes Dave Brown and Kent Graham look like Joe Montana and Steve Young. Over the past two years he has been shitting the bed in preseason games, so it's about time we got rid of him. Of course he then signed with the Redskins, who want to pick his brain about our offense to prepare for Week 1. I don't think they'll get very far though as I doubt he knows too much about the offense since he is so shitty. PEACE.

Ugh. Another week of work. But at least it's a 4 day week!

2009 NFL Preview: NFC South

Carolina Panthers
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
Carolina had quite the eventful year last year, beginning with star wide receiver Steve Smith (the lesser of the 2 Steve Smiths of course) pretending that cornerback Ken Lucas' face was his own personal punching bag, earning himself a 2 game suspension in the process. But then things got better as Carolina unleashed their 2-headed running back monster on their opponents and steamrolled to the NFC South title. DeAngelo Williams and rookie Jonathan Stewart were that monster, and combined to help Panther fans forget that Jake Delhomme is not really that good of a quarterback. He did a good job of reminding us though when he threw 6 interceptions in their divisional playoff game loss to the Arizona Cardinals. So what did the Panthers do? Give Delhomme a fat new contract of course! Eeeeeaaasy money! They'll be hoping for more of the same this year by continuing to do their best impression of an NFC East team: by combining a great running game with a stout defense, which they have with players like Julius Peppers, Everette Brown, and Jon Beason. And their head coach is an ex-Giants defensive coordinator, so they must be great.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Jon Beason - Many would be tempted by the seductive speed of Steve Smith (the lesser of the 2 Steve Smiths of course, just to remind you), but he's already 30 and, as far as I'm concerned, useless in Madden except to use as trade bait. Get Beason, who's already a 92 overall at middle linebacker at 24 years old. Play him, progress him... love him. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Captain Munnerlyn - I always think it's hilarious when guy's first names are some sort of official title. Like, what parent is sitting their thinking, "My son is gonna to be SO AWESOME, that I'm gonna name him King so that he is referred to as such by his peers, biatch!" Apparently, Captain's mom had these same thoughts.



New Orleans Saints
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 10-6

Team Overview:
The New Orleans Saints were an offensive juggernaut last year, mainly because Drew Brees put up passing numbers that are rarely seen in this league anymore, coming within 1 completed pass of breaking Dan Marino's all-time record for passing yards in a season. It was made even more impressive by the fact that Reggie Bush and Marques Colston were hurt all the time, and Jeremy Shockey continued to prove to all of us that he is a vastly overrated headcase (though he wasn't while he was a Giant, mind you). So you would think that they would win a ton of games by putting up all of these points, right? Wrong! The defense was nothing short of atrocious, and that's me being kind here. They're hoping that changes this year by bringing in Gregg Williams at defensive coordinator to whip them into shape. But no matter how good or bad the defense is, you know Drew Brees and company are going to put up huge numbers year in and year out, and they should be good enough to lead the Saints to a 10-6 record and the brink of the playoffs.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Reggie Bush - He may be soft and shitty in real life, but trust me when I say this, you need Reggie on your Madden team. He has a 97 speed and 98 acceleration, and a fast running back is a necessity in Madden. He is especially good on screens and swing passes, so run him out of the backfield 1-on-1 with a linebacker and run to daylight. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Will Smith - Will Smith is on the Saints!?! I had no idea he was such a dual threat! I mean, I LOVE him in his movies! Independence Day was awesome! Men in Black was epic! Bad Boys was incredible! Hitch was funny and smart! And The Pursuit of Happyness almost made me cry! And he plays football?!?! HE IS SO AWES... wait, what? This isn't THE Will Smith? This is merely a mediocre-at-best defensive linemen? Oh, nevermind then.



Atlanta Falcons
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 8-8

Team Overview:
First off, let's get one thing straight. Matt Ryan, quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, is not the real Matty Ice. Matt Saracen, the just-graduated quarterback of the Dillon Panthers, is in fact the true Matty Ice. Just pop in the season 1 DVDs for Friday Night Lights and you'll know what I'm talking about. Anyway, Matt Ryan did last year what rookie quarterbacks often do not do - win. He was steady throughout the year, put up some good numbers, and rarely made bad mistakes in leading the Falcons to a surprising 11-5 record and the playoffs. This year they'll be looking to improve on their success, and made a big move to acquire future Hall-of-Famer Tony Gonzalez from the Chiefs to give Ryan another weapon on offense along with stud running back Michael Turner and wide receiver Roddy White. The defense will also look to build on the solid year they had last year, which was made possible in part because the defensive coaches did a great job of keeping defensive end John Abraham fresh, so when he was on the field he was constantly in the quarterback's face. Jets fans have no idea what that looks like.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
D.J. Shockley - If there was ever a time in your life that you listened to me, make that time right now. Yes, D.J. sucks in real life and has never seen the field in a regular season game. And yes, he is a 42 overall in Madden. But he is a fast running quarterback, which you always need in Madden, and since he sucks so bad, you barely have to pay him anything, which helps your cap situation. Still need more convincing? He is my quarterback in my franchise, and I never lose. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. And trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Jamaal Fudge - There is of course the obvious use of the word fudge, which is when you want to say the f word but are conscious about censoring yourself when in public or in the presence of minors. But the use I'm more concerned with here is the delicious, chocolatey treat that makes me jump for joy. Yes that's right, chocolatey. There is no other fudge other than chocolate fudge. Vanilla fudge? BITCH PLEASE.



Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 1-15

Team Overview:
It's been all down hill for the Bucs ever since they lost to the G-MEN in the wild card round of the playoffs 2 years ago, which of course was the year my Giants shocked the world and won the Super Bowl!!! (oh boy, there I go again.... aaannnnd I'm good. Moving on). Coach John Gruden couldn't decide on a quarterback, shuffling between Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese all year, and the defense wasn't as stout as it normally has been in past years. Because of all this, Chucky is now the 3rd man in the ESPN Monday Night Football booth because he got kicked to the curb by Bucs ownership. In his place is 32 year old Raheem Morris, who was the Bucs defensive backs coach last year. He has never been a head coach at any level, nor has he even been a coordinator at any level. Many people view him as the next Mike Tomlin, but remember that Tomlin took over a very good Steelers team with a lot of talent. Morris is taking over a team bereft of talent. Their quarterback this year will most likely be Byron Leftwich, who is slower than a fatter, obese version of me, and the defense has seemingly lost all of the playmakers that it was known for in the past, with the exceptions of Barrett Ruud and Ronde Barber. At least they signed Derrick Ward from the Giants, who is AWESOME and will be the only reason they will win 1 game instead of 0. It's going to be a looooooong year by the Bay this year.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
The Equipment Manager - There is absolutely no one from this team that I would want on my Madden franchise. There is no speed. There are barely any players breaking a 90 overall. It's pretty bleak. So I figured I would take their equipment manager so that my Madden team will never have to worry about whether or not their jerseys are clean or their facemasks are attached to their helmets correctly. That's important right? Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Stylez White - Stylez?!?! Really? These parents need to be stopped. There are ridiculous names, and then their are names like Stylez. What if poor Stylez doesn't have any sense of style? The kids will make fun of him non-stop because he would be a walking oxymoron: a guy name Stylez who has no style. It just doesn't make sense, which of course makes him perfect for Scotty's team.

2009 NFL Preview: NFC West

Arizona Cardinals
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
The Cardinals, perennially one of the worst franchises in the league, got into the playoffs last year based solely on the fact that they play in the NFC West, one of the weakest divisions in the NFL. This is when the magic ensued, however, and they made it all the way to the Super Bowl, where they eventually lost to the Steelers is a game that was not as good as the Super Bowl that preceded it. They were led by Kurt Warner, whose wife no longer has that man haircut, and the best wide receiver duo in the NFL in Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Those 3 return this year, but it doesn't mean they're going to be a better team. Warner is another year older, and if he gets hurt, their quarterback will be a guy who's known more for sniffing coke out of hooker's asses than being good at throwing the football to guys on his own team. Fitzgerald is on the cover of Madden this year, so you know that he's screwed. Boldin is still angry about his contract, not to mention he's been battling a hamstring injury this whole preseason, and the defense has a few standouts, such as Karlos Dansby and Adrian Wilson, but it is decidedly mediocre. All of this adds up to another 9-7 season, but another playoff berth because of the crappy division they're in.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie - His cousin Antonio is already on this team, so why not put him on the other side of the field? He's only 23 years old and has 96 speed and 97 acceleration, so you can progress him into one of the elite cornerbacks in the game in no time. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Jerheme Urban - I thought about putting Deuce Lutui here, because his first name is the same word as the very act of taking a crap (poop jokes are always funny, remember). But I just had to put Jerheme here, and it's not because of the ridiculous spelling of a common name such as Jeremy. It's because we were watching the Cardinals one day and he made a catch, and we just assumed his name was Karl Urban. No, not Keith, the country music superstar, but Karl, the B-List actor who has been in quite a few movies. Go Karl!



St. Louis Rams
Record Last Year: 2-14
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
I'd say things couldn't have gotten worse for the St. Louis Rams last year, but the Detroit Lions happened, so 2 wins really ain't that bad! The Rams just suffered from a severe lack of talent, as well as a severe lack of good coaching. They began the year with Scott Linehan at the reigns, but he was so bad that they replaced him with Jim Haslett, who bye now has proven to all of us that he should never be put in charge of an NFL team, hence why he is coaching in the new United Football League this year. As for the players, Marc Bulger was injured and ineffective, the defense was pretty bad, and they're best player, Steven Jackson, was either hurt or running behind a crappy offensive line, thereby ruining my fantasy team. But hark! The savior has arrived! Steve Spagnuolo, who turned the Giants defense into one of the NFL's best the past 2 years, is the new head coach, and with him comes an intensity for the game that Rams' fans haven't seen from their team in years. I think that intensity will result in a few more wins, and the defense and offensive line will certainly be better, but there still is a dearth of talent on this roster, so they're still a few years away from relevance.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Tye Hill - Though a failure in real life, Tye Hill can be a great asset for your Madden team. He's already 27 years old, but with his 97 speed, you can use him as your nickel cornerback and blitz him off the edge on every play. Trust me. I torture Rory with Hill alllll the time. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
C.J. Ah You - Not only is this a name you don't see every day, month, year, decade or century, but it's also a phrase useful in everyday life. Who was it who ate the last cookie out of the cookie jar? Ah, you! Who made this delightful roasted duck? Ah, you! Who needs this guy on his fantasy team because of his versatile name? Ah, you!



Seattle Seahawks
Record Last Year: 4-12
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
My dear friend Ian's beloved Seadogs had a pretty rough year last year. It was coach Mike Holmgren's final year, as he was retiring (for now) after a fairly successful career, so you would have thought that they would want to send off their coach in grand fashion. Well, the three players on the team who didn't get injured weren't able to do so. Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck had a bad back (that's a lot of backs in one sentence) and rarely played. Julius Jones was their best running back (enough said), and so many of their wide receivers got hurt that their starters were guys named Jordan Kent and Logan Payne, and even they got hurt too. Then on top of all of that, their normally stout defense turned into a light lager. Get it?! Stout?! Lager?! HAHAHAHAHA I AM HILARIOUS! Anyway, things have the possibility of turning around this year. Matt Hasselbeck is healthy again, but that status is always tenuous. They also signed TJ Houshmandzadeh at wide receiver, a position that's also getting Nate Burleson and Deion Branch back. If the defense remembers how to actually stop anyone, they could give Arizona a run for their money in this division, but if they don't, it could be another long year in the Pacific Northwest.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Aaron Curry - The young stud outside linebacker from Wake Forest isn't a good pass rusher in real life, but you can certainly get to the quarterback with him in Madden. With 86 speed and 90 acceleration, just line him up outside your defensive end and watch the opposing quarterback beg for mercy. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Lofa Tatupu - The Seahawks starting middle linebacker is a great player, but that's not why Scotty would want him on his team. He wants him because his name is great fun to say! Lofa! Tatoooopooooo! Say it with me!



San Francisco 49ers
Record Last Year: 7-9
Record This Year: 3-13

Team Overview:
The 49ers were another team from this division who fired their coach partway through last season, when Mike Nolan was shown the door and replaced by NFL and staring-contest legend Mike Singletary. Singletary marked his debut at coach by dressing-down (in the non-sexual way) tight end Vernon Davis on the sideline after he had dogged it on the field. He actually sent him to the locker room, depriving the 49ers of his services for the rest of the game. Actually, on second thought, that may be a good thing as Davis sucks. Then Singletary proceeded to moon his team during a halftime speech, which I think is funny, but the NFL frowned upon. Oh yeah, they played football too, which wasn't really that good either. And it's going to get worse this year, as you can see from my prediction for their record. They're starting quarterback is Shaun Hill, who is a backup at-best on most other teams in this league, and their number 1 pick, Michael Crabtree, apparently thinks he is above the system and wants to get paid as a top 5 pick even though he was picked at 10. Idiot. They also have a built-in curse on their team in linebacker Takeo Spikes, who has NEVER made the playoffs in his 12 years in the NFL. Patrick Willis looks like a future Hall-of-Famer at linebacker, and Frank Gore is a really good running back if he stays healthy, but that's about it for this team. Another dreary season by the bay is on tap.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Patrick Willis - Like I said above, Willis so good at such a young age that he looks like a future Hall-of-Famer. He's only 24 years old and is already a 98 overall. He has 90 speed and 96 acceleration, which is ridiculous for a linebacker. You should get about 70-80 sacks a season with him. Also, he's so fast you can easily block punts with him. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Bear Pascoe - Slim-pickins on this team for guys with funny names, so we'll go with old Bear here for Scotty's team. Saying the name makes me think of an uber-redneck white dude who loves hunting, deer jerky, Busch beer, and NASCAR. Well low and behold, he is white. As for all that other stuff I said, who knows. But a guy can dream right?