A woman named Mary once looked at Jack Bauer. 9 months later Jesus Christ popped out.

Good day sirs and ma'ams. Last night was an epic night of television due to a shocking 2 hours of 24 and one of the best basketball national championship games you will ever see. I needed pills to sleep last night. But enough of my puffery, onto the 24 review, complete with my handy numbered character guide, which I think I will default to every week now from here on out.



1) Arlo Glass - Was sooooo close to figuring out BITCH while they were in the networking room, but then again, he was sooooo close to being killed by the queen of chokin' fools too. Thank God Chloe called him and saved his life. Also, he made a funny funny about staring at BITCH's tatters, though I'd like to think he always looked at them because her face is so busted.

2) BITCH - Finally was outed as the terrorist within CTU. Probably should have happened sooner if anyone had bothered to notice the sinister look that is plastered on her face 24/7. I was SO excited when they found out she was evil, but that resulted in her getting the chance to show off her skills with the 9 mill on the poor front desk security guards. I really wanted Cole to rip her face off and shove a grenade down her throat, but alas, she was the only person with the information CTU needed, so of course she was given immunity like every bad person in this show, though at least this time it was conditional upon Hassan's survival.



3) Brian Hastings - Even though it looked like he was maybe catching on to the BITCH in recent episodes, he apparently was not, seeing as he had no problem letting her onto his computer. Did the right thing by giving Cole his gun back and letting him back in the field towards the end. Hastings from the beginning of the season wouldn't have done that, but since the ghost of Bill Buchanan has infiltrated him, he's making smarter decisions now. We still miss you Bill. RIP my friend.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Performed her usual good work on the keyboard but also showed her skill on the clipboard by quickly identifying the cell phone that called Tarin from CTU as the BITCH's. Continues to be the blood that circulates in the veins of CTU.

5) Cole Ortiz - Was genuinely flabbergasted by the revelation that BITCH was a terrorist. Seriously Cole? I thought you were better than that. Luckily is eye is better through a rifle scope than it is really getting to know the women he plans to marry. I suggest you get better at the second one, sir.

6) Renee Walker - I'm thinking of taking her name when we get married. Mr. Steven Walker. Has a nice ring to it right? Renee continues to be a force for good, the ying to Jack's yang. Did a great job identifying the blonde wig on the terrorist's floor and capping her ass before the terrorist was able to inflict some damage. Those are the kind of instincts I love to see, wifee.

7) Jack Bauer - Simply the greatest man who ever lived, and every week he sets the bar of greatness even higher than we ever thought possible. He sees through every plot, finds out every secret, instinctfully identifies all trouble... he's just a marvel. I would go on but words really can't describe how awesome he is. He's the New Jersey of men.

8) Omar Hassan - Intentionally gives himself up to the terrorists so that they wouldn't kill tens of thousands of Americans. Bravo, Omar. He also stands up for his morals by declining to "apologize" to the world for his "sins" even though he was being tortured. Unfortunately this leads to him eating the big eat and having his throated cut. Part of me is happy about this because now that means that BITCH isn't getting immunity, so hopefully Cole will have a chance to break into her holding cell and tear her to pieces. I also have mixed feelings about his silent countdown. I think that should only be reserved for series mainstays, characters that we've fallen in love with. On the other hand, he was an important character, so maybe he deserved it.



9) Allison Taylor - Was alerted to the betrayal perpetrated by General Bruckner and Rob Weiss by Jack Bauer and took appropriate action. She also did a lot of damage-control in this episode with Hassan's family. Kudos to President Taylor as well for recognizing the greatness that is Renee Walker and commending her on her excellent work. Apparently she demands a lot out of her cabinet, however, as I thought it was a bit much to ask Ethan Kanin to play hurt just hours after he went into cardiac arrest and was deprived of medical care by Bruckner and Weiss. Let's ease off the gas a bit there, eh Allison?

10) Rob Weiss - Disobeyed the orders of his President, but most importantly, screwed with a mission that Jack Bauer himself was leading. Biiiiiig mistake there buddy. The death penalty isn't going to be the worst thing that happens to you in the coming months.

Other random thoughts on Monday night's extravaganza:

- Figures that someone driving a Honda Insight would get in the way of Jack chasing Tarin in the parking garage. FREAKIN' HIPPIES, DEMS, AND LIBS. Always messing around with justice. (ANGRY FACE) Of course, it turned out that this particular hippie somehow was able to use the transporter from Star Trek to get Hassan out of the SUV and into her trunk. Tricky bastards!

- I thought the terrorists gave up the nuclear bomb really easily. They got Hassan. They gave up the bomb. It was that simple, when usually it never is. You have to applaud them I suppose for having their eyes on the prize. There was no time for such tomfoolery as killing Americans. Get the IRK President. Kill the IRK President. Mission accomplished.

- I am SO EXCITED for Charles Logan, better known as Eat Logan, to return to 24. Yes, he was a villian in past seasons, but who cares?!?! It turned out he was just a pawn in a larger scheme perpetrated by Coach Yost anyway. Any guy who can return from being stabbed in the neck by his ex-wife is good in my book. hiuppewwoighwpoeigvnlkDVNPOHEqwgopnWEWL;JKNV[piojo vWPOIUEVNBJewoijewgegpj 24[oinwrl;kjn!@!!!!! Wow, look at that. I jammed my fists down on the keyboard and still typed 24 out in there. This show is truly amazing and life-changing.