Jack Bauer puts superheroes to shame

First, my thoughts on last night's pants-wetting episode:

- As my friends and I have been stating throughout this season, Dana Walsh is not nearly hot enough for this ridiculous story line to even be worth our time. She's not really named Dana, has a past riddled with illegal activity, spent some time in the booty-house, has a stalker ex-boyfriend who wants to take advantage of her, has a new man who loves her for who she really isn't, yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah. Cole should just dump her ass next episode when she tells him the dilly. Maybe if she were at least a... 6? It would be worth his time? But she's like a 3. Move on, Cole. Move on.

- Renee Walker continued her epic badassery by first putting out for the sake of national security in the last episode, then in this episode, when Vladimir tried to rape her, stabbing him right in the eyeball, taking him down, and then hacking him up like she was a serial killer who didn't want the body to be identified. Yes Renee! Then she committed an unspeakable crime...

- ... by stabbing our hero, Jack Bauer, right in the gut, while she was in a murderous psycho-daze. No Renee! But it was at this very moment where Jack showed us why this is his planet and we're all just paying rent. Vladimir's henchman rushed into the room, at which time Jack pulled the knife out of his own stomach and threw it straight into the Russian's neck from across the room, killing him instantly. BAD. ASS. Then he sucked up the pain, ran outside the room, and shot another Russian dead THROUGH A WALL WITHOUT REALLY BEING ABLE TO SEE HIM. I worship the very ground he bleeds on.

- The new CTU is minor-league. To use an SAT analogy, Brian Hastings' CTU is to the Mets as Bill Buchanon's CTU is to the Yankees (RIP Bill). Jack had a brilliant plan to be taken by the Russians so CTU could track him and be taken right to the nuclear rods. But they are idiots and didn't follow him, so now Jack is screwed. You think Bill would have let this happen??? No sir. Again, may you rest in peace Bill. You are truly an American hero.



Now I will give you my thoughts on all the characters to this point in the season, using the number key you see in the photo above. The photo was too small for me to get a lot of stuff on it, so this will have to do.

1) Arlo Glass - Creepy tech nerd who apparently has a thing for busted chicks (Dana Walsh). Wouldn't be surprised if he dabbled in kiddy porn.

2) Dana Walsh - Like I said before, not hot enough to sustain her miserable side story. Jack should take time off from breaking Russian hopes and dreams and kill her for us.

3) Brian Hastings - The new CTU chief who can't get shit done and walks around like a hunchback. Should be ringing a church bell rather than ruining the very institution that Bill Buchanon made so great.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Still the only person at CTU who knows how to get shit done, and get it done right. Her IT expertise makes America a better place, and her sarcastic humor could warm the heart of even the coldest terrorist.

5) Cole Ortiz - I didn't expect much out of him, but he has been a pleasant surprise and has proven to be quite the useful tool for Jack. Drives over detonating bombs and is an expert with the sniper rifle. I'm a big fan. Also showed HUGE cojones when he sacrificed his life so they could find the terrorist during the premier episode. Respect.

6) Renee Walker - Hotter than ever as she showed promise as the female version of Jack by sawing off the first Russian's thumb then stabbing the second Russian's eye with a knife. Took a big step backward by flipping out emotionally (like we kind of new she would all along) and stabbing Jack. Needs to redeem herself now.

7) God (Jack Bauer) - The man we all aspire to be in life. If it's possible, Jack can do it. If it's impossible, Jack can do that too.

8) Omar Hassan - President of some terrorist-ridden country who is apparently the world's only hope for peace. Subject of an assassination plot organized by his brother, and now is absurdly paranoid. Apparently loves white chicks with 110 pounds of botox in their faces over hot, exotic Middle-eastern women. Idiot.

9) Allison Taylor - President of the United States. Not really getting in the way of Jack like she did last season, and that is a good thing. Clearly showed she didn't know what it takes to get the job done, so she's leaving the national security issues to CTU. Actually, she still doesn't know how to get the job done because she put that asshat Brian Hastings in charge. Women...

10) Rob Weiss - President Taylor's Chief of Staff (or whatever cabinet position he is). Isn't afraid to speak his mind. Clearly has a sense of the moment. Would love to see him become the President, that is, unless he's uncovered as a co-conspirator with the Russians, which wouldn't surprise me, knowing the writers of 24.