9/30/10

The Giants suck.

Just like last time, when it took me 17 years to churn out a 6 mile long Brain Fart, I have been diligently taking notes on my iPhone 4 in the hope that one day I may write another Brain Fart again. Well, we almost arrived at that point tonight, however, I don't really feel like writing a novel, so I'm just going to rant about the New York Football Giants, because after last weekend's performance, they deserve it. I'm also a little drunk. So let's take this week by week, shall we?

Preseason - 8/21: Giants vs. Steelers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

I'll discuss this preseason game because I was there, not because it was a game of any sort of great importance, especially because Eli didn't play... oh right! Hold on one sec.

Preseason - 8/16: Giants vs. Jets - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

I wasn't at this game, but I do feel a few things need to be said about it:

1) The Giants won, which means we are, were, and always will be, the kings of New York/New Jersey/Connecticut/Half of Rhode Island? Maybe? Football. The Jets can make all the headlines they want by signing every miscreant in the league, being on Hard Knocks, talking all kinds of shit... it doesn't matter. This is a Giants town. And yes, it's called the New Giants Stadium. Actually win a Super Bowl Jets, and maybe we'll talk.

2) Victor Cruz is THE SHIT. Even Revis Island couldn't have contained UMass' finest.

3) To everyone saying that the Jets sent some sort of message about how tough they are by bloodying Eli during the game - you are all idiots. The only reason Eli got his forehead torn open was because he called an audible but decided he didn't need to tell the rest of his team. It's his fault the play went to shit, so it's his fault that he got some brains knocked out through a crack in his face. The Jets just merely took advantage of a broken play. If Eli communicates the audible to his teammates, that doesn't happen, so stop it with the "Jets are so tough" shit. Eli just had a minor brain cramp, that's all. He's still really cute.

4) There was probably something else, I think, but I forget. Remember... drunk.

Back to the first game I went to!

Preseason - 8/21: Giants vs. Steelers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

It was the Rhett Bomar show at the New Giants Stadium, and he was fine. The Giants lost, but WHATEVS! It's the preseason. This game was all about checking out the new stadium for the first time. We got there nice and early so as to experience the optimal amount of tailgating. There were cheeseburgers, sausage and peppers, and of course, the Champagne of Beer, aka Miller High Life. (From here on out in this blog, the High Life will be forever referred to as "Champagne." So don't ever think I'm talking about that fizzy clear shit people drink during wedding toasts. It's the High Life. It's the Champagne. BUT REMEMBER: Never, EVER, get the Champagne in a can. Only in bottles. Word to the wise.) We made out way to our seats, which were in the lower bowl on the corner of the end zone, about 30 rows up. Good seats, nice view, good amount of leg room. Great times. As we approached the end of the game and the stadium was emptying out, we made our way over the expensive, cushy seats that cost $20,000 per PSL, just to see what they were like. Well, let's just say I would be pissed off if I spent $20,000 for that seat because there was absolutely no leg room and the cup holder was ever so slightly sawing away at my meniscus. I bet the Jets designed that. What a bunch of IDIOTS.



Regular Season Week 1 - 9/12: Giants vs. Panthers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

I was at this one too! Which means I was at the preseason opener for the totally first ever Giants game at the new stadium, then at the regular season opener for the not-so-totally first ever Giants game at the new stadium. Represent, fo sho. Anyway, the Giants won the game even though they mostly played like dog doodie, but hey! A win's a win, right? And after last year, I'll take a win any way, shape, or form they can get one. The best thing to see was the defense actually make some plays when the opposing offense took them deep in the red zone, as they intercepted Matt Moore 3 times in the end zone. Last year, those drives resulted in Panther touchdowns, so that's a positive right?! Hopefully they would carry it over into the next game at Indy...

Regular Season Week 2 - 9/19: Giants at Colts - Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN

NOT! Granted, this was one of those games where you pretty much knew you weren't going to win. Indy had just come off a spanking at the hands of the Texans, and would be desperate to not start the year 0-2. Plus they were at home. Plus they have Eli's older brother at QB. You could pretty much chalk this one up as a loss, but at least the Giants could have represented themselves well. But they did the exact opposite and looked like complete ass. They talked the whole week about how they were going to game plan to stop Peyton, so they played most of the game in the dime and only dressed 2 defensive tackles. And what happened? One of the worst running back tandems in the National. Football. League. ran all over them of course. It was just a miserable performance on defense, and the offense wasn't much better. They couldn't get anything going, and Brandon Jacobs dancing around like a fairy in the backfield and then trying to kill a Colts fan with his helmet certainly wasn't helping. But again, you would have picked this game as a loss before the season started, so even though they looked worse than a pee wee team, no harm no foul.

This game also got me thinking - Is it time to give up on Brandon Jacobs? He used to run with such power, such determination, such passion. Defenses used to fear him, used to fear the absolute beat down he was going to lay on them. But now? No one's afraid of him. He tries to dance around people instead of running through them. It's like he thinks he's Barry Sanders all of a sudden, except Barry Sanders never weighed 280 pounds, so that's kind of a problem. But that's not all. Now all of a sudden he's got a major attitude problem because he's 2nd string and has no idea why. Well Brandon, let me tell you why: YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE YOU SUCK. YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE WE PAID YOU ALL THIS MONEY, SO NOW YOU'RE COMFORTABLE AND NOW YOU'RE SOFT. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE SOFT. YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE AHMAD BRADSHAW IS BETTER THAN YOU. There you go Brandon, the reasons why you're second string. Now you know, so now you can stop bitching to the media every five seconds. Start running like a man, and maybe things will change for you. SOFTEE!

Regular Season Week 3 - 9/26: Giants vs. Titans - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ

Alright, so bad week 2 against the Colts, let's bounce back against the Titans, right? WRONG. Instead of putting forth a good effort and putting the nightmare that was week 2 behind them, the Giants played one of the most pathetic, undisciplined, embarrassing games I have ever seen in my life. They were absolutely deplorable, if I may use such a word. First, the turnovers. Usually Eli gets intercepted because he throws it right at his receivers hands, but instead of catching it they bump and set it to a defender. This time though, Eli decided it would be a great idea to loft a ball left-handed into the endzone. WHAT DID HE THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!?? Then Ahmad's butterfingers reared their ugly head after we had driven all the way down the field to the red zone looking to close the gap and take the momentum. Oye. Now onto the stupid penalties. Ahmad chopped block some fat white guy in the end zone to give Tennessee a safety instead of us being able to keep a 50 yard completion to Mario Manningham. Stupid. Then everyone on the team starting losing their fucking minds!: David Diehl shoves someone to the ground after the whistle. Kareem McKenzie commits 2 personal fouls by jacking up guys after the whistle. Then Antrel Rolle bitch slaps some guy RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REF. Since when is a Tom Coughlin team so damn stupid?! And as if that wasn't bad enough, we took a delay of game penalty... ON A FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT. WHAT??!?! Totally undisciplined, totally pathetic, and completely awful. But wait! There's more.

HOW IN THE WORLD IS LAWRENCE FUCKING TYNES STILL THE GIANTS KICKER?!?! HE IS THE WORST KICKER I HAVE EVER SEEN! HE CAN'T HIT SHORT FIELD GOALS. HE CAN'T HIT LONG FIELD GOALS. HE SOMETIMES MISSES EXTRA POINTS. HIS KICKOFFS ONLY GO AS FAR AS THE 15 YARD LINE. WHAT AM I MISSING?!?!? WHY IS THIS GUY STILL ON THE ROSTER?!??!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! JHADGKLJAGJLNARN;VAINV OINGPIOWEG [OWIRNG QJNB JDFNAVPIO APOASD;KMJKV F JKLV I HATE HIM!!!!!! Please Jerry Reese. Bring in someone! Anyone! A Grandma! A dead person! I DON'T CARE, JUST GET TYNES OUT. (I'd do a picture of him for your viewing pleasure, but if I had to look at Tynes' face right now I think I would stab my eye with a toothpick and then try and ease the pain by pouring orange juice on the wound.)

Antrel Rolle - Shut the hell up.

Tiki Barber - You're such an asshat. People maybe kinda sorta might have started forgiving you for being dick, but then you come out and trash Coughlin again this week? Right before you're going to be at the stadium for your induction in the Ring of Honor this Sunday? Smart move jack ass. Get ready to get the shit booed out of you! Perhaps you should stimulate yourself in front of a minor so you have a legit excuse not to show up, much like our friend LT. The real LT, by the way.

Special Teams - Stop sucking. Seriously.

Giants - Where is the pride? Where is the heart? You're playing like you don't care, like you're just happy to show up and collect a paycheck. Maybe that's true though. Maybe I'm the asshole for thinking that professional athletes care about things like pride. Who knows. But as a fan who pours his heart and soul into rooting for this team because they mean so much to me, I expect a bit more than this putrid shit. Jokes on me I guess!

Time for some water so tomorrow morning doesn't hurt so much. Thanks for bearing with me!

9/8/10

2010 NFL Preview!

I'm back bitches! And this time, it's not with a Brain Fart, but with a column filled with some of the worst gambling advice you will ever read. Last year when I predicted how every team in the National, Football, League would finish, I'm pretty sure I only got 2 teams right (suck it Ian!). This year I'm shooting for at least 3. Think I can do it? Only time will tell... Remember, just like last year, I went through the schedule and picked every game for the entire season, so these records are LEGIT. On to the picks!

* = Wild Card

AFC EAST

New England Patriots: 12-4
Even though Tom Brady is modeling his hair after Justin Bieber and looks like a douche, he'll probably have a huge year because the Patriots are cheap as shit and won't pay him. Idiots. Plus they have all those cameras on the sidelines stealing signs, so that helps too.

New York Jets: 8-8
Everyone seems to forget that the Jets were handed a playoff berth last year by two teams who couldn't have cared less about the last 2 weeks of the season. Sure they got hot, but the Browns finished the year on a 4 game winning streak too. See anyone picking them to win the Super Bowl this year?

Miami Dolphins: 6-10
They're best pass rusher was a guy signed last year from the Canadian Football League. Eeeee....

Buffalo Bills: 4-12
Speaking of Canada, it's going to be a loooong season in the Great White North this year. Trent Edwards sucks, Buffalovians. Accept it.

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh Steelers: 13-3
This'll probably come back to bite me in the ass, seeing as Big Ben isn't coming back until Week 6, and even when he does come back, I'm sure the powers that be will make sure that a rapist fails miserably, but Mike Wallace is my jam in Madden 10, so I gotta stick with the Steelers!

Baltimore Ravens: 10-6*
Joe Flaccooooo has a bunch of weapons on offense now, and seeing as the biggest one (Ray Rice) went to college in the great state of New Jersey (the greatest state in all the land), the Ravens should be formidable enough on offense to compliment their defense, lead by Ray COUGHCOUGHCOUGHMURDERERCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH Lewis. Sorry. Got an itch in my throat.

Cincinnati Bengals: 8-8
Any team with that cock nugget Terrell Owens is destined for failure. And Cincy-area strippers - watch out! PacMan Jones is in town, and he about to make it rain on yo asses.

Cleveland Browns: 2-14
Any team with the Mangenius as a head coach and Jake Delhomme as it's starting QB is destined to be shitty. The only reason they'll even win 2 games is because they have Phil Dawson, who is the greatest kicker God has ever created. Trust me.

AFC SOUTH

Houston Texans: 12-4
This is the year Matt Schaub and company breakthrough and make it to the playoffs. That is unless new backup quarterback Matt Leinart doesn't screw everything up by inviting Paris Hilton or some other hooker into the locker room for a team BJ that results in all of them acquiring the herp. Tough to play football with an oozing crotchal region you know.

Indianapolis Colts: 12-4*
Eli's older brother once again leads the Colts to the playoffs. I wonder if it bothers Peyton that everyone (including his own father) refers to him as Eli's brother...

Tennessee Titans: 9-7
9-7 will be a helluva achievement for the Titans after Chris Johnson blows out his knee in Week 5 because he carried the ball so many damn times last year.

Jacksonville Jaguars: 4-12
This record is God cursing the Jaguars franchise for not drafting His son, Tim Tebow, to play quarterback for them. You brought this upon yourself, Jacksonville.

AFC WEST

San Diego Chargers: 10-6
Who needs Vincent Jackson when you have the official fantasy football sleeper of New Jersey is Clean, Idiots on your team: Malcolm Floyd! He's going to be a stud. Lock it up.

Oakland Raiders: 8-8
Surprisingly, the Raiders front office has been making smart moves this offseason. This leads me to believe that Al Davis is actually dead and the team hired a taxidermist to stuff him and sit him in the owners box. I just wish they'd make him look less like a horrifying sea monster and more like an actual human being.

Kansas City Chiefs: 6-10
Charlie Weis is the new offensive coordinator! And entire offensive line! His playcalling will totally take this offense to the next level, I mean, look at what he did at Notre Dame! Um, wait, eeeeee. This is awkward.

Denver Broncos: 4-12
So bad, I actually forgot to write about this team until I proofread this column and realized they were missing. If that isn't a sign of a shitty team I don't know what is.

NFC EAST

New York Giants: 10-6
I could go on forever writing about the Giants upcoming season, but I'll just leave you with this: The defense should be back to being nasty, and Eli is ready to take it to a level even higher than last year. That and he is impossibly cute. The New Giants Stadium is going to be rocking this year for Big Blue!

Dallas Cowgirls: 9-7
Home Super Bowl Jerry? How 'bout not even making the playoffs! Tony Homo sucks. Wade Phillips sucks. Dallas, well, sucks.

Filthadelphia Eagles: 7-9
The only good things to ever come out of Philly: The Roots and Will Smith. And as we all recall, Mr. Smith had to move to California to finally prosper as a real man.

Washington Redskins: 6-10
Donovan McFagg is the new quarterback thanks to Philly TRADING HIM WITHIN THE DIVISION. Assholes. Washington still sucks though.

NFC NORTH

Green Bay Packers: 12-4
Aaron Rodgers will throw for about 6,000 yards this year, which will make it even more of a shame that I didn't draft him for my fantasy team. Come on Phil Rivers!

Minnesota Vikings: 11-5*
Die Brett. Please.

Detroit Lions: 5-11
I was going to mark them down for 11 wins this year, but CC Brown is one of their safeties. He is so shitty, he actually will cost this team 6 wins. Sorry to pile on, Detroit.

Chicago Bears: 4-12
I think Jay Cutler could actually be worse than Rex Grossman, and that is saying a lot, because I think I might actually be better than Sexy Rexy. It's ok Chicago, at least you still have the Cubs! Oh. Jeez. Sorry...

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans Saints: 14-2
No one's going to stop Drew Brees and company from continuing to pile up massive amounts of points. I was going to put them down for 12 wins, but I gave them a bonus 2 for kicking the shit out of Brett Favre in the NFC Championship game last year. Good job boys!

Atlanta Falcons: 10-6*
Hotlanta, lead by the fake Matty Ice at QB (the real Matty Ice is of course Matt Saracen of the Dillon Panthers. Duh.), will make the playoffs thanks to a well-rounded offense. That and because visiting teams will be freaked out by how quiet the Georgia Dome is because Atlanta is such a shit sports town and no one is showing up to the games.

Carolina Panthers: 9-7
They got rid of Jake Delhomme, that has to be good for at least a couple of wins, right?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 2-14
There's going to be a severe shortage of canon ball blasts from that ridiculous pirate ship in their stadium this year because the Bucs offense is pretty terrible. I really wish that they would wear those awesome Creamsicle orange throwback uniforms every game however.

AFC WEST

San Francisco 49ers: 9-7
Probably the league's worst division will be won by a team quarterbacked by... Alex Smith? And if he gets hurt... David Carr??? For shame, rest of division. For shame.

Seattle Seahawks: 9-7
Pete Carroll, after breaking every NCAA compliance rule at USC, running the program into the ground and then bailing on them, has the Seahawks going in the right direction and on the verge of the playoffs. Yay 12th Man!

St. Louis Rams: 6-10
I believe in Spags. This team will be better than you think. You won't want to play them with a playoff spot on the line, YOU BEST BELEEE DAT.

Arizona Cardinals: 5-11
Think you're going to be a good team with Derek Anderson as your starting quarterback? HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! I LAUGH IN YOUR FACE ARIZONA! They better pray that Kurt Warner gets eliminated from Dancing with the Stars ASAP so they can drag his old ass out of retirement.

WILD CARD PLAYOFFS

6) Ravens over 3) Patriots
4) Chargers over 5) Colts

3) Giants over 6) Falcons
4) 49ers over 5) Vikings**

** = Brett Favre throws an interception to end his career. Again.

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS

6) Ravens over 1) Steelers
2) Texans over 4) Chargers

3) Giants over 2) Packers
1) Saints over 4) 49ers

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS

2) Texans over 6) Ravens
3) Giants over 1) Saints

SUPER BOWL XLV

New York Giants over Houston Texans

I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING!!! The Giants will not only beat up on their NFC East foes from Texas, the Cowgirls, but they will then beat up on the other team from the Lone Star State! Equal opportunity ass kickings! In the Cowgirls home stadium! It doesn't get much better than that. The Victor Cruz Era in New York begins with an absolute bang as the New York Football Giants are Super Bowl Champions for the 2nd time in 4 years! The entire left side of my body is going numb just thinking about the possibility of this happening. I think I need to see a doctor.