Greetings on this Monday morning in April that was supposed to be 80 and sunny but is instead 56 and incredibly foggy, so much so that apparently everyone forgot how to operate their automobiles today, making my commute to work somewhat of a disaster. However, none of that could get me down because of the sports high I am on from last week! The deets:
The UConn Huskies are National Champions! In the worst basketball game I have ever seen in my life. That. Was. Brutal. But no matter! A win's a win, especially when it happens to come in the national title game. My thoughts:
- Charles Barkley is a genius. I couldn't stop laughing when he talked about how he dated ugly girls before he became rich and successful, at which point the girls got better looking. As long as they weren't fat, Charles. As long as they weren't fat. - Jim Nantz needs to take it easy with the word play. "Kemba Walker Texas Ranger?" Seriously??? - Speaking of Nantz going overboard: - Nevermind, CBS had the video taken down. Assholes. But anyway, Nantz said "UConn are the top dogs," "The Bulldogs and Huskies are getting in a dog fight," and "UConn was best in show." Christ. We get it Jim. Both teams have canine mascots. Where is Gus Johnson when you need him? - Alex Oriakhi was definitely the MVP of that game. Butler had no idea how to handle him. - Neils Giffey has the worst beard ever. Even I can do better than that, and that's saying something. - The championship shirts and hats that they put on after they won are atrocious. What an awful design. - What an unbelievable run by UConn with the run in the Big East Championship and now the national title. Totally unreal. Not going to see that happen again for a long time. - Butler is half-way to becoming just like the Buffalo Bills!
If I could grow a beard like Brian Wilson, I would seriously be the happiest man in the world. Check this out. (Thanks The Biz).
There's a new show coming out on HBO called Game of Thrones. They trailer showed a lot of sex and midgets. Sex and midgets?!?? How could it suck?!
Fast Five?! Really?! Vin Diesel and The Rock?! This is way too much to handle. Car chases and Asian biddies grinding other Asian biddies. I hope Ja Rule is in it too.
Sweet, I'm going to my first game at Yankees game this season tonight! (Wednesday.) Shit! Rain-out.
Big Ben is getting married! I've heard of people being forced to have sex during rape, but being forced into marriage? Impressive Ben. Read this, and pay particular attention to the 2nd to last paragraph. I wonder what religious faith involved rapin' biddies?
Manny Ramirez - Once a cheater, always a cheater. You gotta be some kind of dumbass to roid-up again after already having been caught twice. But I suppose that's typical of that douche.
It was incredibly painful watching Rory McIlroy choke away the Masters on Sunday. That kid was ready to puke after every missed putt, and there were A LOT of them. And what kind of name is Charl anyway?
It was an interesting, yet ultimately fantastic week to be a New York Hockey Rangers fan. The progression:
- Ryan Callahan is out for the year? We're fucked. We seriously can't catch a break in the injury department but it looks like it's a side effect of how this team plays, and that is certainly not going to change. - Rangers fucking blew it against Atlanta. What an awful showing. Probably not going to make the playoffs now. - Rangers make the playoffs! We shit on the Devils, then watched the Lightning shit on the Hurricanes. Thank you Tampa! Washington, COME GET SOME!
Holy crap, I must have blacked out the entire week last week because I think I wrote a blog entry that wasn't a Brain Fart. Weird. I wouldn't blame you for missing it either since I never do that, so here it is. When the Cubs win the World Series I'm going to be FAMOUS as the only idiot who actually thought they could do it. (Editor's note: I don't actually think they can do it. Not at all). On to the gaseous excretions!
As you all know, I have been missing Jack Bauer to death. This is the first year in forever that we haven't had 24, and if it wasn't for the continued presence of beer in my life, I don't know what I would do with myself. Well, this certainly is no substitute, but Jack is in it, and he's killing people, so that's cool.
Angelo from Top Chef was always a really weird guy. Everything, including food and manly-looking lesbians, was sexy to him. I hated him at first, but as the All-Star season went along, I slowly started to like him. Either way, he opened a sorta-restaurant in NYC, and here is an amazing review (Thanks Holly-oooo).
I hope the cobra updates this while he's munching on Michael Vick's nuts! (Thanks Scotty.)
The US followed up its friendly draw against Argentina with a game against Paraguay on Tuesday, and it was a shame that they lost seeing as they played waaayyyy better. It continues to annoy me that Bob Bradley keeps putting Jonathan Bornstein in at left back. He is so horrendously terrible at soccer, and probably life. It's beyond me why he's still around. There has to be SOMEBODY who can play left back better than him, and that includes my Grandma.
My thoughts from the Top Chef finale after the finale after the finale:
- Mike starts off by saying he's a better cook than Richard. Bold, Michael. Bold. - Fabio and Casey are back!!! And Jenn too!!! Jenn would totally rough you up in the sack, in a good way though. - Of course someone picked Jamie to be their sous chef. OUCHIES. - Fuck, Fabio, Casey and Jenn didn't get picked. Frown face. - I love how Angelo calls Richard "sir." He knows what's up. - Foie Gras ice cream? Should have stuck with the Captain Crunch, Richie. That sounded tasty. - Mike sweats like Patrick Ewing. - Spike is just creepin' all over the dining room. Funny guy. - Dick Blais needs to cut the negativity. He should know by now how incredible he is. - Love the finale challenge and the lack of the twists. Just man to man, who's the best. - Richard looks like he's going through menopausal hot flashes here before they announce the winner. - Richie wins, and he got a kiss from Casey! That may actually be better than winning Top Chef. - Andy Cohen is the worst television host I have ever seen in my life. - Bravo can't do live TV worth a damn. That's all we see is Fabio in LA mouthing at the camera that he can't hear anything.
Despite the fact that the 4th Annual NFL Draft/White Castle Extravaganza will go on as planned this year, I'm just not that excited about the draft because I'm so damn annoyed at the league. This is usually one of my favorite times of the year because the hockey playoffs are starting, baseball is under way, and I get to read oodles of NFL mock drafts, but the NFL has sucked all the fun out of that last one because they're such a bunch of greedy bastards. At least we'll still have White Castle, Rory.
I swear the people who cross Washington Blvd. in the morning when the orange hand is telling them to "DON'T BE STUPID, STAND WHERE YOU ARE." are suicidal. One of these days I'm going to run over someone, and I won't feel bad about it. They're all idiots.
Thursday was the greatest day of the year - OPENING DAY! It absolutely should be a national holiday so we can all sit home, grill, drink, and watch every baseball game we possibly can. The only thing bad about it is that it marks another year of listening to Suzyn Waldman. If there was ever a face for radio...
An absolutely pathetic performance by the Rangers against the Islanders last week. I don't know how a team as desparate as they are can come out and perform like that. Disgraceful. They did, however, redeem themselves on Sunday against Philly. Huzzah! It's never easy with these guys.
Boo. They found the cobra. I guess Michael Vick's balls are safe now.
Saturday was a HUGE day in JC... India won the Cricket World Cup! Very happy for the guys over at Sparrow Hill in the Heights, as well as the 934 bus boys at Rasoi in Little India (the most overstaffed place of work in the entire world). Celebrate homies!
The Red Bulls literally had 20 chances to win the game on Saturday and squandered every single one of them. It would be nice if Henry would score a fucking goal one of these days, but at least we got DeRo! He'll make a huge difference.
So I thought that absurd screamo cover of "Friday" that I showed you before was the best cover of that awful song. Not anymore. (Gracias Ian.)
They're instituting concussion safety rules in this year's version of Madden. How are we ever going to get that elusive career-ending injury?!?!? I hate the NFL.
UConn is goin' to the ship! A few thoughts:
- Brandon Knight is a bitch. That was an obvious open-handed dick slap on Shabazz. I wish Clint Dempsey was there to knife him. - If UConn wants to win tonight, Kemba needs to screw everyone else and take over if it comes down to crunch time at the end. He was trying to give it up too much against Kentucky, and it almost cost them. Maybe he's finally getting tired? Hope not. - Hey John Calipari! How does it feel to know that in a couple years this Final Four appearance will be vacated like all your others?!
They always say in the commercials that if you have a erection that lasts longer than 4 hours you should get immediate medical attention. Well call 9-1-1 because today was Opening Day and my pants are TIGHT! Opening Day is literally the happiest day of the year, the day when our national pastime comes back to entertain us night after night from now until early November. So as I sit here watching ESPN's nightcap between the Giants and Dodgers, I figured, why not crank out a season preview? Might as well piggyback on last year's complete failure and embarrassment and once again tell you which teams to run to Vegas and not bet on. And no, doing a preview while already having seen a handful of games for this season is not cheating.
NL East
1) Philadelphia Phillies Their offense is old and decrepit except for Ryan Howard, but if you throw him nothing but curveballs he'll strike out 537 times this year. But they've got that ridiculous staff, so it's hard not to pick them, as much as it pains me. 2) Atlanta Braves (Wild Card) Deep pitching staff, deep lineup, and a potentially great bullpen if Jonny Venters and Craig Kimbrel do what we all think they'll do. Can absolutely be a 90 win team. 3) Florida Marlins Should be a feisty competitor, and all 18 of their fans will be excited about it. 4) Washington Nationals I'd probably pick them 3rd if Stephen Strasburg's arm wasn't already ruined, but they have potential. Decent lineup anchored by a fantasy favorite of mine, Ryan Zimmerman. 5) New York Mets The Fighting Madoffs are just one big ball of bad news. Looking for some entertaining Minor League Baseball this year? Head out to Citi Field!
NL Central
1) Chicago Cubs Upset pick! But my picks are always wrong, so this more or less amounts to false hope for the South Siders. 2) Milwaukee Brewers Potentially really good starting staff is already hit with injury issues, and I don't trust their bullpen. But they'll be sending that yellow-bearded brewmaster down the big slide plenty. 3) St. Louis Cardinals Lost Adam Wainwright for the season, but they still have the best player in baseball in Albert Pujols, so that has to keep them in contention, right? 4) Cincinnati Reds My pick for the team that surprised last year who will inevitably fail the following year because the previous year was a fluke. This of course means they'll probably win the World Series. 5) Houston Astros I'd put them in last place but for the sake of my brother's sanity I'll move them up a notch! 6) Pittsburgh Pirates Good young core, but.... Hey only 5 months until Steelers training camp! Oh wait, might not be any NFL this year... ummmm, at least Pittsburghians still have the french fry sandwiches!
NL West
1) Colorado Rockies Lot to like here. Carlos Gonzalez and Troy Tulowitzki are absolute studs, and Ubaldo Jimenez can win a Cy Young. Plus who doesn't love playoff baseball in the snow? 2) San Francisco Giants Their young arms threw a ton of innings in their World Championship season a year ago, so one of them is going to break down. Tom Verducci says so. 3) Los Angeles Dodgers They'll be ok, but when they need mid-season reinforcements they won't get them because the owner will be busy spending his last couple of bucks makin' it rain at the strip club after his wife soaks him for all he's worth in the divorce. Plus fans who don't bother to show up to games until the 3rd inning and then leave in the 7th don't deserve a good team. 4) San Diego Padres They may only score 11 total runs this entire year. It's a shame they used 5 of them today. 5) Arizona Diamondbacks Move along, nothing to see here.
AL East
1) New York Yankees Big bounce-back years from Derek Jeter and Gay-Rod, their bullpen is the best in baseball, and they'll trade for a frontline starter at the deadline. Nothing to worry about. 2) Boston Red Sawcks Lackey, Beckett and Dice-K all suck. Papeldouche sucks. And we'll see if Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez can actually handle the media and fan pressure that comes with playing in an actual sports town. No guarantee that they can. How are they winning 100 games again? 3) Tampa Bay Rays Despite losing the aforementioned Crawford and Carlos Pena, they still have a really good lineup, as well as a potential Cy Young winner in David Price. It's a shame nobody cares about them. 4) Baltimore Orioles Even though he's running his mouth like he's in an AND1 Mix-Tape, Buck Showalter will have this team playing hard. They'll be respectable. Plus they get bonus points for having the best stadium in baseball. 5) Toronto Blue Jays Lots of potential at the top of their rotation and they'll hit home runs, but... seriously? Canada? Come on now.
AL Central
1) Minnesota Twins They always find a way. Mauer, Morneau and Nathan will be fine, and Ron Gardenhire is arguably the best manager in baseball. 2) Detroit Tigers (Wild Card) As long as Miguel Cabrera is sober he'll be an MVP candidate, plus they have one of the best pitchers in the league in Justin Verlander. The people of Detroit have to have SOMETHING good going for them right? 3) Chicago White Sox Lots to like about this team, but Ozzie Guillen will probably say something stupid again, get himself fired, and the whole season will go down in flames. I'm giving 3-1 odds on that one. 4) Kansas City Royals They're minor league teams might go undefeated this year! But will any of those kids (I hate that I'm old enough to call them kids) prove to be the real deal? Probably, but not until next year. 5) Cleveland Indians As if God couldn't shit on Cleveland enough.
AL West
1) Oakland A's The Giants proved last year that you can do damage with superior pitching and almost no offense, and it looks like the A's are trying to copy that formula. Their staff is potentially the best in baseball, despite the fact that Dallas Braden seems like a jack-ass. 2) Texas Rangers They'll score a helluva lot, but will they have enough pitching? Sure, but not enough to make the playoffs. Plus their fans probably like the Cowboys, so they can suck it. 3) Anaheim Angels They're not in Los Angeles, and I don't know why they would want to be. That place sucks. Trading for Vernon Wells tells you a lot about their current situation. 4) Seattle Mariners Not going to make the same mistake as last year! They have King Felix, and..... rain? Ichiro is like 87 now too I think. Sorry Ian.
Playoffs - Division Series
Cubs over Phillies - UPSET ALERT!!!! Too much Fukudome for the Phils to handle. Braves over Rockies - Atlanta kicks some ass, but still can't sell-out The Ted. What an awful sports town. Yankees over Tigers - Sorry Detroit. No match for the Bombers. Twins over A's - The Twins actually win a playoff series because they're not playing the Yanks.
Championship Series
Cubs over Braves - If anyone from Chicago is reading this blog (and I doubt it), they are currently cursing me. Yankees over Twins - As I said, the Twins can only win in the playoffs if they don't play the Yanks.
World Series
Cubs over Yankees - Finally! After 103 years the Cubs win a World Series. What the hell am I thinking? I must be drunk. Somewhere Steve Bartman is crying... because I'll inevitably be wrong and the Cubbies will actually only win 68 games.
Hello everyone, and welcome to this edition of the Monday Morning Brain Fart, which I am writing on Tuesday night and you're probably reading on Wednesday afternoon. Fun times. Please enjoy this list of nonsense that I randomly wrote down on my iPhone's notepad as the week went along.
Oh sweet! It's the first day of spring (last Monday)! WTF! There's 2 inches of snow on the ground. Awesome. I'm going to kill that fucking groundhog. What a piece of shit liar.
So now the kick-offs in the NFL will be from the 35 instead of the 30. Just another example of the league ruining football in the name of "player safety." You know, the kind of safety that would be promoted by there being 2 extra games during the year lining the owners already well-insulated pockets. I swear we'll be watching the National Flag Football League at some point in my lifetime. I do have to say though, this rule is actually beneficial to the Giants. Maybe now Lawrence Tynes will actually be able to reach the end zone! And we always have terrible kick returners so all the touchbacks won't give them a chance to only take it out to the 17 and possibly fumble!
Bob Barker in that State Farm commercial looks like he died a few years ago, and they dug up his body, stuffed it, and shoved him in a Jersey Shore spray-tan booth. If the camera panned down I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a puppeteer with his arm up Bob's ass controlling his movements.
My thoughts on 2 weeks ago's Top Chef, which was the finale before the finale before the finale: - No intro at all this week?! No Casey :-( - I can't believe Antonia and Tiffany beat Blais and Mike!! With a beef salad too. Lame. - Hot damn! Padma was looking fiiiiine in that bikini. - Whenever the Nassau Yacht Club was on screen, I could only think of Elite Ian's future. - The sexual innuendo of Mike asking Antonio about tasting his conch (pronounced conk) was slightly unsettling. However, I still wish they banged before they found out they were related. - Mike Isabella is totally cleaning up! I think Blais is going to scalp him. - Finally Tiffany goes! But at least she went down swinging, not with a bomb of a dish. Even though she doesn't deserve to win, I think I might miss her. She seems nice.
I found it hilarious that UConn women's hoops coach Geno Auriemma was complaining about the lack of fan support at their home games, saying they were spoiled with all their success and take the team for granted. Geno, no one is coming to your games because NO ONE CARES ABOUT WOMEN'S BASKETBALL, not because they're spoiled. Call me sexist, but women's basketball is boring as hell. There's only so many layups and chest passes I can take, and I'm not alone in feeling that way.
What history would sound like if Gus Johnson was always around announcing it:
And a side note - if Gus Johnson was constantly following me around, doing play-by-play on my life, I would be the happiest man on earth. I would be so much more epic than I actually am.
And now my thoughts on last week's Top Chef, the finale after the finale before the finale: - Casey! Intro is back! THANK GOD. - Good to see Carla in the Quickfire twist... I really liked the premise of them having to give each other their challenges/twists. - Like I said 3 paragraphs ago, Mike Isabella is absolutely cleaning up. Blais is sweating his hot streak I think. - Morimoto looks like he wants to kill everyone in the room while waiting to see who would pick him for the challenge. - I totally loved how Morimoto came to dinner dressed as Splinter from Ninja Turtles. - HOLY SHIT, THE CHALLENGE TWIST ENVELOPE! I FORGOT! - I think we got the finale we all wanted, even though I was kinda sorta starting to like Antonia. Then I remembered she fucked over Casey, so good riddance BITCH. - HOLY JESUS FABIO AND CASEY COME BACK THIS WEEK! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! disghlskdjhglSDnbv;oewirnv;iorwnv;ior!!!! - My pick for Top Chef is Richard Blais. The cream always rises to the top my friends.
- Kemba Walker is the man. San Diego St. had to be kidding themselves if they thought they could stop the basketball Jesus.
My thoughts on the season finale of Jersey Shore: - The fat dude doing the worm at Danny's BBQ is very impressive. I wish I could do that. - Uncle Nino is a pimp. - J-WOWWW's dad is super dweeby, very much unlike anything I expected. I bet he's super proud of what his daughter has become! - Watching everyone's reaction while Ronnie and Sammy fight is hilarious. Unfortunately we get entirely too much of said reactions. - How are J-WOWWW's dogs not trained? They literally just shit all over everything all day. I wish I could do that and have people laugh at me instead of being publicly ridiculed and ostracized by society. - I'm excited for when Snooki is president because then I'll be tan. Right now I can only burn.
Saturday I went to the USA-Argentina soccer game at the new Giants Stadium. More thoughts! - My boy from the Red Bulls, Juan Agudelo with the goal for the US! I better enjoy him this year, because I'm sure before long he'll be sold to some big European team where he can ride the bench for 5 years! - There's no diving/flopping in America, Argentinians. You are all annoying. - Messi is unbelievable. It literally takes 5 defenders to get the ball off of him. Totally unreal. - I love how Clint Dempsey always looks like he wants to knife everyone, though I guess I would too if I constantly had defenders trying to break my ankles. And I do wish he actually had shanked Javier Mascherano, because that guy is the biggest bitch and biggest diver I have ever seen. - Bob Bradley, PLEASE give it up with Demerit, Spector, Gooch... we all know what we're getting from these guys, and it's not that great. Sometimes it's terrible. What harm would there have been in playing Tim Ream? Possibly having a pass from the back completed? HOW TERRIBLE!
Leslie Visser has had WAY too much plastic surgery. I mean, I know she's old as shit, but still, her face barely moves when she talks and her mouth is formed into a permanent smile. She's like Joker without the makeup.
UConn is going to the Final Four! Kemba is my current man crush.
VCU? Really? I guess at-large 11 seeds from the Colonial Athletic Conference making the Final Four isn't that original after all, right Megan?
And finally, all is right in the world, because FANTASY BASEBALL IS BACK! There are few things I enjoy more than spending hours pouring over my rosters, proposing/making trades, taking everyone else's money when I win the league... it's just too awesome. And yes, I have a girlfriend. Why she stays with me I'll never know.
My most humble apologies to all 7 of you who read this blog for not providing you with your weekly dose of heaven last week. I was very busy, though that's not an excuse for making all of your lives significantly worse. So to help the cause of repairing your emotions, you get a double Brain Fart this week! You're welcome.
PART 1 - 2 WEEKS AGO
It's really funny hearing about the Heat crying after they lost one of their games 2 weeks ago (wow this is really dated huh?). I'm fairly confident that if they didn't want all the pressure, they shouldn't have had that ridiculous championship celebration BEFORE the season even began. Just a thought.
A few weeks back I posted a video about some girl who made an Angry Birds cake or something for her dad. Well, Conan O'Brien one-upped her. (Thanks Conan for sending this.)
Tiki Barber is coming out of retirement?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!. His divorce from his wife who he left WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIS TWINS FOR A YOUNG BLONDE INTERN must be absolutely soaking him. Well, that, or the fact that his TV career is in the toilet and he needs the skrilla. Either way, I'm excited for him to sign with the Redskins so we can boo the shit out of him at Giants Stadium and hurl bags of vomit at him, then watch Eli run off the sideline and choke slam his old ass at midfield, then play to the crowd, Gladiator-style. It's going to be EPIC!
In 'N Out Burger is coming closer!!!! I swear, if that place ever makes it to the tri-state area in my lifetime, I will automatically put on 600 pounds. Those burgers are one of the very few reasons to ever live in LA, and the fact that they are incrementally moving across the country towards me is most definitely cause for celebration.
I found what Charlie Sheen does in his spare time when he isn't winning:
Speaking of Charlie Sheen, we all knew this had to happen sooner or later:
Actually, I'm kind of getting sick of him. Shit's getting old Charlie. I'm done with you.
My thought on Top Chef 2 weeks ago:
- Great to see Michael Voltaggio back in the flesh. He is so sexy. - Speaking of sexy, Blais' scraggly 5 o'clock shadow is endearing in a homeless chic way. LOVE IT. - Leave it to the Top Chef crew to go to another country and immediately burn their restaurants to the ground. - Even though this wasn't the actual finale finale, it's sort of part of the finale, so I can complain about the following: I think finale challenges should be more straightforward. Just cook what you're good at. Give us your best meals. No ridiculous curveballs. Too much nonsense with the "Bahamian Royalty" in this episode. - I thought it was funny how they put the judges at the smallest table in the whole restaurant, though it was probably really nice for the King of Whatever That Ceremony Was Called because he got to rub up against Padma. I bet he was hard. - Blais is so self-deprecating when it comes to his food. Not sure if it's endearing or annoying yet. Leaning towards annoying. - Carla fucked up AGAIN by doing something she's not used to - and it sent her home for the 2nd season. She needs to learn that doing what she's good at got her to where she is today, though sadly I assume she won't be getting a 3rd shot on Top Chef. - Whenever someone else wins the challenge Richard is the first person they show and he looks like he wants to murder them in the bloodiest way possible. I'm excited for this season's outtakes when he body slams Mike Isabella and chokes him to within an inch of his life.
JJ Abrams + Coach Taylor + ALIENS! = STEVE IS GOING TO THE MOVIES!!!
Speaking of the movies, I have an early nominee for best picture next year. And by best picture, I mean BEST. MOVIE. EVER. Maybe even better than The Human Centipede?
I am literally speechless after watching that trailer. I need that movie in my life ASAP.
Went to my first Nets game at the Prudential Center in Newark. Here were my thoughts on the experience:
- They were playing the Clippers, so we got to see Blake Griffin. He is flat-out nasty. A freak of nature. Awesome to see in person. - They have 2 mascots: Sly the Fox, and Mini Sly, who was a BALLERRRRR.
- There was a fight in the stands where the Orlando Magic dragon mascot (he was there to celebrate Sly's birthday, of course) got into a fist fight with someone in the stands. Epic. - They had those big balloon mascots that just bounce around and smile. I love those! - The pulled pork from the "Taste of Newark" concession stand was outstanding. Really good. Very cheap too for stadium food. - The crowd overall was dull and lifeless, because A) there are no Nets fans, and B) they're moving soon anyway, so why should anyone care?
Jersey Shore: Ronnie is a sad puppy dog, and then he GOT PLAYED by Sammie. THE DRAMA NEVER STOPS!!!
The NFL owners are disgusting. 9 Billion dollars in profit for the NFL last year, and they still want to make more money? I couldn't be more upset with how greedy these sons of bitches are. And it's not the players who get screwed over here the most, it's the fans, who the NFL couldn't give 2 shits about. But wait. Who is it that all of the NFL's profits come from? Oh right! The fans. Go figure. Time to start looking for a college football team to follow seriously next year?
Speaking of greed, James Fucking Dolan and Madison Square Garden are raising the Knicks and Rangers ticket prices 49% and 23%, respectively for next year. Remember the Garden being one of the craziest atmosphere's ever? Where all the diehards are chanting and cheering their minds out for hours on end to root on the home team? Yeah, neither do I. All I see are a bunch of suits who couldn't give 2 shits about my beloved Rangers taking up the seats that my fellow diehards and I would actually appreciate. Awesome.
Went to the Big East Championship game at the Garden between UConn (my team, since my brother went there) and Louisville. What an insane atmosphere. Exciting game, and great win for UConn! First team in history to win 5 games in 5 days and take the Big East, which, by the way, is the best conference in the country, haters.
Went to Sarabeth's on Central Park South the other day for brunch. Absolutely delicious french toast, but like most other things in the city, it's too froofy, pretentious, and really overpriced. Just go to the Pancake Factory in Jersey City instead and thank me later.
Got MLB 11: The Show for my PS3 the other day. If you love video game baseball like myself, you need this game. It is TITTIES.
And here is where I would give you my team for the NCAA Tournament that I am going to ride all the way to millions of dollars in winnings, but seeing as the tournament is all the way to the Sweet 16 already, that would be pointless. If I had done this Brain Fart when I was suppose to, you would know that my team for this year was Louisville. What did they do? Lost in the first round. Asshats.
I love how much of a joke the Mets are, yet am already ridiculously tired of hearing about their issues on the radio. People are worried about the Yankees having starting pitching problems, but RA DICKEY IS THE METS NUMBER 2 STARTER. Yep. You heard it right. Read that again if you need to. That right there is an actual starting pitching problem. RA. Dickey. Har har. But ESPN radio and WFAN need to find new things to talk about other than the Mets. It's one thing to be discussing Chris Capuano's chances of making the roster on one channel, but when the other channel is interviewing him AT THE SAME TIME, they need to be stopped. It's Chris Capuano. Stop the madness.
It's obvious that I am on the player's side because of how disgusted I am with the owners in our little NFL dispute, but assholes like Adrian Peterson make it harder and harder every day. The other day in a radio interview, he said playing in the NFL is the equivalent to "modern day slavery." Really Adrian? I had no idea that slaves made 11 million dollars a year back in the 1800s! Why the hell did the Civil War ever happen then if slaves were making so much money? It's weird how my history classes in school passed over that convenient fact. Maybe we should all be slaves so we could be rich!!! .... Adrian, you're an idiot.
I showed you Lady Gaga's new video a few weeks back and talked about how she wants to start a cult. But to fully illustrate the point to you, I should have made this video (Thanks to Holly from LA for her submission!):
RIP Nate Dogg. You made most 90s rap songs way better than they ever should have been. Who is going to save Warren G now when they've got guns to his head, he thinks he's going down, and he can't believe this is happening in his own town?
I don't normally get caught up in cute youtube videos, but this was too much to handle (Thanks to the Loobster):
This past Thursday and Friday The Stallion and I finally took part in something we had been dreaming about for 2 years: taking off from work the first 2 days of the NCAA tournament, drinking a lot, and watching every basketball game. It. Was. AWESOME. The icing on the cake was of course that Thursday was St. Patrick's Day, which is my second favorite holiday after Thanksgiving. So because it was such a momentous day, my lovely girlfriend treated us all to the following feast:
Corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots and irish soda bread (MY FAVORITE!):
And green Rice Krispie Treats:
Which we then washed down with Guinness and Shamrock Shakes (Thank you Scotty):
It was a feast for a king, which was then followed by an amazing concert by the one and only Dan Mills. If you have no idea who he is, click on the link and get a life.
Friday we watched basketball all day at a bar, so I drank more beer and crammed buffalo wings into my face all day. Some basketball observations: 1) The George Mason - Villanova game was insanely exciting. My woman went to Mason, so suffice it to say we were excited about the win. 2) Fuck you Louisville.
The Red Bulls are back!! And this year, Megan, Scotty and I have season tickets 4 rows off the field. Boo yah. They began the season with a big 1-0 over Seattle which will hopefully set the tone for another successful year. A few observations: - The Harrison PATH station still sucks. Why couldn't they have put another entrance in during the offseason. The bottle neck of thousands of fans into the station after the game is ridiculous. - Did they really need to clog up everyone during the walk-up to the game too? I never thought overcrowding at the stadium entrance was a problem last year. - The concession stands are still PAINFULLY slow. Woulda thought that they'd have that figured out by now. - Juan Agudelo is an absolute beast. Big kid, really fast. Very impressive to see in person. And his goal was a thing of beauty. Plus, he's only 18 years old. It'll be fun when he gets signed by a big European club in 2 years and sits the bench for them.
I'm sure you've all heard that atrocious Rebecca Black song, "Friday" by now and wanted to rip your ears out and kill Scotty because of it. But as you expected, there are a million spoofs of the song. Here is my favorite (Thanks Big Sexy). It really does the song justice, I think.
It's disgusting how much the NHL and the referees suck the Pittsburgh Penguins schlongs. Seriously, how could Kris Letang not go to the box when he punched Ryan McDonough right in the face after McDonough pushed him??? And it was McDonough who got the penalty!! Unreal. And that scumbag Matt Cooke better get suspended for a year for his elbow to McDonough's head. He is such a shit. I wonder what Mario Lemieux will say now about head shots since he not only has the league's biggest douche on his team, but he made him an Associate Captain? But for all the bullshit, the Rangers STILL beat them 5-2 yesterday! Huzzah!
More NCAA Tournament observations from the weekend: Fuck you Pittsburgh, I only had you winning the whole thing in a few brackets. And I know without a doubt that Luke Hancock of George Mason was poisoned by Ohio St. fans. He was the hero of their round 1 game. They were in Cleveland, OH. They were looking to upset Ohio St., a number 1 seed who has never won a basketball championship. It all adds up to sabotage. I demand an investigation!
And finally, since I don't want to discuss Ronnie and Sammi anymore, I'll just say this about the last Jersey Shore episode: Mad props to the "atomic bomb" who tried to dance with Pauly. She had to have known she would get made fun of like crazy on the show because of her size, but she went for the glory anyway. Respect.
Good day everyone, and welcome to my next installment of the internet's most pointless blog post, the Monday Morning Brain Fart. I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend, but clearly was lucky enough to make it out alive, so please, go ahead and rejoice to yourself, quietly if you happen to presently be in a professional environment. Otherwise, crack open a few cold ones and read on.
I get the feeling that Lady Gaga is trying to start an LGBT cult. Her new video is really fucked up (though that's not surprising), but it also has this ridiculous manifesto at the beginning that makes absolutely no sense to me, and has some crazy shit with unicorns and aliens. Plus she looks ridiculous with those horns growing out of her cheeks... but yes, I still find her music absurdly catchy and it is on my iPod. Whatever.
This movie is gonna suck.
It was officially the end of an era for Jets fans this past week. Rory cried softly to himself throughout the night. Jeremiah filled up a bathtub, got in and plugged in the toaster. Even across the country Holly thought about running into traffic on the 101 during rush hour. Yes, that's right kids... Vernon Gholston was released. The Jets are never going to win another football game ever again.
Losing Marty Biron for the rest of the year SUCKS for the Rangers, so Henrik is going to have to be even better than he has been from here on out. And speaking of the Rangers, it was nice to wipe our asses with the Flyers yesterday to get our playoff push back on track. Suck it, Philly!
I have found my absolute dream job. God help the man who gets this over me.
I am addicted to Angry Birds on my iPhone... but this may be taking it a bit too far.
So I've been going to the gym recently in an (as of yet futile) attempt to lose weight and not make women run away screaming rape every time I take my shirt off. Thought I'd give you a little peek into my workout regiment:
When to the Park Avenue Tavern on 39th and Park recently. Little classy for my taste, but they had a whole section of the bar that had taps AT THE TABLES. You just sit there and pour your own beers all night long. Genius!
For some reason I was in the mood to watch Supersize Me, so I did. And then I ate a Big Mac the next day. That movie is like one long commercial for deliciousness, which may or may not have been the intended purpose.
Charlie Sheen is the greatest of Americans. I don't care what anyone else says.
My thoughts on this past week's Top Chef (finale this week!):
- I hate that they've edited down the intro so my weekly dose of Casey is lessened even more. She's so perrrty. - Richard is an absolute genius. MRE bags in his knife kit?! Only Richard could pull of something like that. - I thought when the mothers/wives/husbands came running up to the chefs on Ellis Island (which is in NEW JERSEY) that Blais was gonna bang right then and there and give his wife another baby to be friends with the one already in there. He needs to get some. - Speaking of Blais' wife, Jazmin Blais sounds like either an insanely hot porn star or a character on Mortal Kombat (thanks Best Week Ever) that finishes you with some sort of blazing inferno. - It's a shame that Mike and Antonia didn't bang earlier in the show so that A) things would be SUPER awkward now, and B) they could have some sweet inbred children. - Prior to elimination, I thought that if all the dishes were equal, Tiffany should go home based on past results. Well, all the dishes were equal... and I still think the same thing. Cop-out decision by the judges. - I was about to leap into the TV and stab Padma when she played that bullshit and pretended to send Richard home... but then I would have broken Cordes' TV, so I didn't do that. You're welcome, Bryan.
The BYU honor code, which that bro on the basketball team broke by smashing out his girlfriend, is absolute insanity. No tea? How can you not allow someone to drink tea? I would imagine Provo, Utah is somewhere you can go if you're allergic to Starbucks chains.
This article by Bill Simmons is a must-read if you're as pissed off at the NFL owners and their insane greed as I am. It's a little long but it shows how the owners couldn't give two shits about the fans, who just happen to be the people who give them the insane amount of money they already have. Go figure.
I can't get enough of how on Jersey Shore Vinny's dick is nicknamed Moby Dick. That has to be the ultimate complement right? I also always enjoy when 2 couples are hooking up in the same room at the same time. No time for shame! WE JUST GOTTA GET IT IN BRO! But I do have this question: Why do they continuously have to censor the poop in the clogged toilet? Who doesn't love a good poop shot?
Watched Independence Day over the weekend. The President's speech is the single greatest speech made by an organic life form in the history of being.
As I said earlier, I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend for the Philly Craft Beer Fest. It was there that I discovered that Hometown Brewery makes a beer called New Jersey Ale. Clearly this is now my favorite beer ever. Speaking of the Beer Fest though... seriously? There were only 4 urinals for the whole festival? Typical Philly. Dumbasses. I thought I was a chick for a second because the guy's line was so damn long. Think that kinda shit happens in Jersey? No way.
People in Philly suck at driving. Yes, I know I could have stopped that sentence at "suck." Also, the road layouts in that city are stupid. It's like they were designed by some idiot who had to diarrhea in the worst way but was contractually obligated to finish the maps before he could go sit on the throne.
And finally, as most of you know that there are 2 main, institutional cheesesteak joints in Philly: Pat's and Geno's. And since the folks of Filthadelphia are too dumb to figure out which one is better, I figured I would do it on my own, seeing as I am the Chef of the Century and my opinions on food (and everything else for that matter) are 100% fact. So here we go:
First stop:
And here is their cheesesteak sandwich:
As you can see, I only put my ketchup on half of it so that A) I could taste at least half in it's natural form, and B) so you could see it without globs of blood all over it (I did this at Pat's too). I also always ordered Cheese Whiz and onions, which seems to constitute the traditional cheesesteak. The steak was not chopped up, but instead large, thin slices. Meat was kinda chewy. Not too much cheese whiz either, actually, which was surprising. Next!
And here is Pat's cheesesteak sandwich:
This one had way more meat on it, and the steak was chopped up, so it wasn't as chewy as the Geno's steak. They also put way more cheese whiz on it. So even though the Pat's steak was a sloppier eating experience (probably due to the increased amount of meat and whiz), it was definitely better. Not to mention cheaper.
Philly Cheesesteak Verdict:Pat's King of Steaks makes the better cheesesteak. There Philly, I just solved something that you still haven't figured out in like 80 years. And since I just ate both in a row, I seriously need to puke. Sub-Verdict: I've had better cheesesteaks at the Jersey Shore, not to mention in many other places around New Jersey. That's right. I went there. Suck it, Philly.
Good afternoon on this dreary, rainy and slow-trafficy day in New Jersey. If you live and/or work in this great state (and you should consider yourself lucky if you do), you will no doubt have a long and arduous commute home today, so why not stay at work late and read my pointless banter! Sounds like a great idea to me.
Does this look like a man who can play in the NFL anytime soon (that is, if there even is an NFL)? Jesus Cristo Plax! Looks like you could use a cannoli or 2!
The new Kanye West video, which appears to be a pretty lame attempt at "art," makes me want to stick a wallet in my mouth for fear of seizure (and yes, I wrote that joke before I saw the absurb warning at the beginning of the video). But boy oh boy! Rihanna is lookin' fiiiiiiiiiiiine. She needs to stop dressing like a tranny hooker and keep up more of this fine work.
Greek soccer fans are completely insane. Or really awesome? I can't tell.
HOLY SHIT! RENALDO BALKMAN IS BACK IN NEW YORK! THE KNICKS ARE SAVED!!!!! Wait, what? Who? Someone else came in the deal? La La Vazquez? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh now I do:
May God help us all is this comes true and Jeffries returns.
OH MY GOD! JUSTIN BIEBER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Thousands of Canuck-loving tweens are cursing the very name of the Las Vegas CSI Unit. What a tragedy! (or blessing?) Who knew The Biebs was a gun-loving criminal? He got what he deserved.
Banana Nut Cheerios are tittiesssssssss.
My thoughts on Top Chef this past week:
- Mike totally screwed Blais by stealing his recipe, but then again, why was Blais showing him his notes to begin with? And it's not like Blais cooked it either. Mike's execution was perfect. And of course, we could all see Mike and Blais being the finalists coming from a mile away, and the fact that Mike won the Quickfire made it even more aggravating for our friend Richard. - Fabio was back! If only for a brief moment in time, it made my life worth living again. I heart Fabio. - I tend to think that these ridiculous time limits that the chefs are given make it so the chef who handles pressure better wins, not necessarily the best chef. Maybe that's the point? I hope it's not. Yes, all the chefs have the same time and are under the same pressure, but I'd rather the time be extended so the chefs can concentrate solely on making the best possible food, not necessarily food that's good enough given the time constraints. - Blaise wins! Sweet Jesus, he deserved that. Finally, he gets to taste the fruit of his labor, as opposed to other chefs tasting the fruit of his labor, seeing as he always helps everyone. - I cannot believe Tiffany is still in this competition, though it is without a doubt now that the judging is based on that day's challenge, and that day's challenge only. That being said, Dale is a far superior chef and had a chance to win. Tiffany does not. - Anyone else turned on by Paula Dean talking about sucking heads? Yeah... me neither.
Hey Rex Ryan! Shut up. You're senseless rambling about how amazing the Jets are is just turning into white noise. You say it way too much, and you need to stop. Before you were bold and brash. Now you're just annoying. And you like feet.
I absolutely HATE that Sammi is back on Jersey Shore, because now Ronnie is going to go back to being this sad piece of shit that can't possibly entertain me. I don't care about your feelings Ronnie, just do stupid shit so I laugh. He was so close to being the old Ron Ron again, and then BOOM, Sammi walks in the house and it all goes downhill. Oye.
I think I could win an Oscar if I made a movie with British actors that was about the English Monarchy is some way, shape or form. "Ooooo listen to his sweet accent, he's so much sexier than American men. Is Queen Elizabeth in that movie? Great! Best Picture!!!!!"
Turtle Bay in NYC is one of the worst bars in the world. Just horrendous. If you like going there, please proceed to overdose on sleeping pills. Thanks!
Really nice deal for the Rangers, giving up next to nothing to get Bryan McCabe, a puck-moving defenseman who can QB the power play. Exactly what we needed. It's so weird watching Glen Sather pulling off trades where he doesn't totally fuck the franchise. But don't worry! There's still a half hour until the trade deadline! He can still screw up the Rangers entire future in a trade for Brad Richards!
This leads me to why I am sorry to Ranger fans: Last weekend I was at the Rangers - Flyers game, and I was lucky enough to be able to see the game in a suite. So the game ends, we leave the suite, and who leaves the suite a few doors down from us at the exact same time? Glen Sather. He walked right by me, basically brushed shoulders with me. I can hear you all screaming now, "Did you punch him!?!?" " Did you trip him and spit on him?!?" "Did you tell him how much he sucks at his job and how his mom is great in bed?!?!" Well friends, no, no, and no. I did nothing. I completely blew my opportunity to make Ranger fans happy, if only for one fleeting moment before I was hauled off the jail. So again fellow sufferers, I say I am sorry. I let a lot of people down.
No! I don't, because Kansas sucks and it's not New Jersey. But, it did feel that way on Saturday night, which I will get to later. So, hello! Happy President's Day! You're probably off of work today, so I imagine no one will read this until they're at work tomorrow... so happy Tuesday to you all. I am also not at work, though I would be if it wasn't snowing here in the JC. Yeah. Snow. Shocker right?
I checked out an episode of The Chicago Code at some point last week. It's a new cop drama, which there are totally not enough of on TV these days. This one, like most, sucks, but Luke from Friday Night Lights is in it, and boy is he dreamy. Worth checking out once just for him.
The SI Swimsuit Issue came out this week, which means that millions of little boys around the country have discovered what a boner is. They may not know what it's called, but they sure as hell like it.
I'd like to take a moment and introduce you to the next big television star. She is from humble beginnings and is just starting to grow what will be one of the world's great media empires. Allow her to show you her crib:
May we be seeing more of that beautiful gap-toothed grin (aka, diastema, for all you dentists out there) in the future?
I think this guy should have narrated Life, not Oprah, who sucked taint:
That honey badger is crazy!
Eeeeeeeeeeee.... awkward!
But who doesn't love a good dick joke right?! I thought about this, and it may actually be a complement to the male anchor. Yes, the 2 clearly bumped the nasties. So first of all, good for him! She is hot. And second, even though she clearly says his wang piece is tiny, she didn't disagree with him that it was impressive. So basically, he was a stallion in the bedroom even though his dong is the size of a thimble. Mad props, brother.
The leading breakfast chefs of our time (courtesy of The Biz):
This past week was when Watson the super computer was on Jeopardy, taking on the foremost nerds of our time, Ken Jennings (who owns the record for most wins in a row), and Brad Rutter (who owns the record for most money won on the show). It was annoying because Watson could buzz in faster than both of them, so as a result, he completely slaughtered them. It was funny, however, watching Ken Jennings every time Watson beat him to the buzzer because it looked like he wanted to shoot up a school full of small children. It was interesting to see an artificial intelligence be that smart, but how far do we take it? Remember what happens when the machines become aware...
My thoughts on Top Chef this week:
- It was GREAT to see Kevin on the Target commercial during the show. He was the man, and totally should have been on this All-Stars season. Who doesn't love a good ginger? - I thought the Sesame Street quickfire was a lot fun, but the Target challenge was pretty ridiculous. The entire show was like one big Target commercial, though I know Scotty loved that. - It was good to see the judges base their elimination decision solely on this challenge and this challenge alone, but I get the feeling they don't often do that, which is why I was absolutely shocked that Angelo went home instead of Tiffany. How is she still on the show?! - Angelo was very gracious in defeat. I felt he could have taken a few shots at Mike Isabella for not only bossing him around during the challenge, but possibly being the reason why Angelo oversalted his food so bad (though maybe that's just what the editors wanted us to think). - I continue to find it amazing that A) Blais almost never wins a challenge even though he is the shit, and B) great chefs like these are so often guilty of simple things like adding too much salt. Aren't they past that phase in their careers and shouldn't simple mistakes like that just not happen? The Chef of the Century is not pleased.
Another week, another incredible episode of Jersey Shore. So many poop jokes this week! I LOVE POOP JOKES. And I learned a new word: Sloppapotamus (spelling?). I'm going to try and use that everyday now, much to the chagrin of those close to me.
I hate the Devils, they really know how to suck the life out of hockey. That being said, they still suck, and we should be able to beat them. Goddamn Rangers always have to make life difficult.
I enjoyed a little slice of heaven this past weekend, aka, I went to Taqueria, the best restaurant EVER that you've never heard of. It's in the JC (of course) on the corner of Grand and Grove. You need this.
I saw The Town over the weekend. Awesome movie. Continues the tradition of Ben Affleck only being good in movies where he puts on his ridiculous Boston accent and wears nothing but Bruins cardigans. If you haven't seen it, do so. It also teaches us a valuable lesson in life (SPOILER ALERT): Crime pays! Even if all your friends die. At the end, we see that Affleck has gotten away scot free, is rich, and still has the heart of the hot chick that he kidnapped and psychologically tortured. Good work if you can get it!
And finally, it was like Kansas up in this piece this past weekend because it was so unbelievably windy. JC is always a freakin' wind tunnel, but holy moses was it crazy out thurr!
This is a picture I took of a Washington Blvd. sign being blown off the post, but it doesn't show you that EVERY Washington Blvd. sign was blown off the posts and ended up decapitating small children and puppies in the streets. I only made part of that sentence up. It was nuts, yo.
Greetings everyone on this most glorious day of days! You may be asking why today is so great, but then thinking it's probably because it's Valentine's Day and I'm madly in love with my readers, but NO. I do love you, however, today is great for a completely different reason. Read on to find out...
I hate SportsCenter's Top 10 plays during basketball season. That's all it is is lame dunk after lame dunk. Number 4 is always some absurd goal in hockey, or a ridiculous overhead kick goal in soccer, then number 1 is LeBron James dunking on someone. OOooooooo, I've never seen that before! Thanks SportsCenter for making 7 of the top 10 plays dunks that everyone on the planet has already seen 100 times!
Quantum of Solace is confusing. Cool movie. Too much concentration involved. That James Bond sure is one sexy man though.
So Ted is apparently going to start dating Zoey on How I Met Your Mother. Not sure how I feel about that. Clearly she's not the mom, and I feel like the show is starting to drag a bit because they're putting off him meeting the mother. I think it's gotta happen soon. But I like Zoey I think, so hopefully the show goes back to being as funny as when Ted and Robin were dating, when we also knew that Robin wasn't the mother.
Mark Sanchez is a cradle robber! I bet he subscirbes to Seventeen and Cosmo Girl so he has a sufficient amount of beat-off material.
These guys are true musicians.
Speaking of Lady Gaga, her new single, "Born This Way" is out. It's catchy I guess. Not totally digging it, though it may grow on me. It's no "Paparazzi" or "So Happy I Could Die," that's for DAMN sure.
Couple of thoughts on this past week's Top Chef:
- Blaise, you gotta stop helpin' bitches, especially Antonia! She sucks, but she was in the top 3 because you helped her. You sir, were not in the top 3. Keep your shit to yourself and OWN THESE MOTHA FUCKAS. - My good friend Louey Colicchio (who has a couple restaurant reviews on the way, right Louey?) called Dale oversalting his cheese steak from a mile away. Well done sir. After last week when his food was called bland, you knew he was going to overdo it, and overdo it he did. - Carla is insane, yet endearing somehow. - Farewell Fabio. I love you. It should have been Tiffany going, not you. Absolutely soul-crushing that you won't be in my life anymore brother.
Landry Fields needs to work on his selling skills. Or just having people realize who he actually is.
Ronnie from Jersey Shore (do we even need to say "from Jersey Shore" anymore? I feel like we're on a first name basis with these people now) has major issues. Thank you Captain Obvious! I'm not surprised at anything he did during him and Sammy's epic fight last week. The only thing I'm surprised about is that he didn't kill her and throw her over the balcony. Showed surprising restraint, I thought.
It was absolutely delightful actually scoring goals and beating the Penguins on Sunday, even if they didn't have those 2 pussies Sid The Bitch and Malkin in their lineup. I hope Crosby's concussion is a career-ender. As for the Rangers, this doesn't cure our goal-scoring ills, but it's a start, though losing Chris Drury for another 6 weeks doesn't matter in the goal-scoring department regardless. Will hurt our faceoff's though.
How ironic was it that the dead people montage at the Grammys was followed up by a performance by Mick Jagger, someone who looks like he's been dead for 10 years?
And finally, the reason why today (well, yesterday actually) is a phenomenal day - I have 3 words for you: Pitchers and Catchers! SWEET JESUS BASEBALL IS COMING BACK! Then, to put the icing on the cake of this day of springtime hope was getting invited to my first fantasy baseball league of the season! I LOVE FANTASY BASEBALL! AND BASEBALL! PITCHERS AND CATCHERS!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! LDSKUHGOwiehugeownl;ksdnvouihv[weiNV[Oiewnvowienbv~!!!!!!!!!!
Hello everyone! And welcome to the first day of the offseason of the National Football League which will most likely last about 3 years. I'm sure most of you are feeling fat and sassy, not to mention hungover, because of your Super Bowl parties last night, so I'm here to help you get through your day at work, which we shouldn't even have in the first place because the Super Bowl should be a national holiday. But that is of course a fight for another day.
The last 2 weeks were restaurant week in both NYC and Hudson County (where the beautiful JC is located), so there will be a number of restaurant reviews from Gallen de Robuchon and Louey Colicchio coming your way shortly (sorry Rich). I will, however, provide a brief overview of Edward's Steakhouse in the JC here since I was able to go for lunch. First off, they made me mighty proud to be a citizen of the JC by allowing me to do the dinner menu at lunch, so I nabbed the crab cakes (excellent), Caesar Salad (pretty standard), Delmonico Steak (top quality and delicious - perfect), and the Cheesecake (outstanding). Overall it was a great meal. Ambience was awesome - real, authentic Jersey. Waiter was great save for him not telling us his name. Is this becoming a trend? If so I hate it. Overall Restaurant Grade: A
Jurassic Park 3 is one of the most horrific movies on the planet, yet I watch it every time I come across it on TV because A) it has Jurassic Park in the title, and B) it has dinosaurs in it. But I could have taken a hot diarrhea on a film strip and it would have looked better on screen then this piece of shit. A black mark on the Jurassic Park name, for sure.
Snow day at work last week, and I was standing at our living room window, watching a bobcat plowing out the entryway to an apartment building... and dumping the snow on a shoveled-out parking spot on the road. No wonder why parking sucks taint during the winter. Thank you, asshole in the bobcat.
You just gotta watch Groundhog Day on Groundhog Day.
Glad Tre went home instead of Mike this week on Top Chef, seeing as with every episode that passes I like Mike Isabella more and more. Bullshit on Antonia winning instead of Fabio though. She is a bitch, and she made a pot of fucking mussels. I don't care what Tom (Sorry God) and Bourdain have to say in their blogs about her understanding the challenge. She cooked a pot of mussels. Fabio, you won in my book. Also, the Quickfire challenge this past week was the worst I have ever seen in my life. Since when has food ever been solely about presentation and not about flavor whatsoever? And boy, that Isaac Mizrahi is one angry gay dude.
Speaking of this past episode of Top Chef, my new ultimate goal in life is to eat at Rao's in NYC now. Supposedly the greatest Italian you can get anywhere, but the absolute toughest reservation to get in the world. Only 10 tables in the place, and everyone who used to go all the time in the 20s has a standing reservation for every night, a reservation you can pass down in the family. So basically I need to seek these people out, befriend them, and get an invite. And trust me... I will. TO ANY AND ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE A STANDING RESERVATION AT RAO'S - I AM A REALLY NICE PERSON. I AM ITALIAN. AND I AM HUNGRY. WANT TO BE FRIENDS!??!?
Really sad to see that Andy Pettitte is retiring. He was, hands down, one of my favorite ballplayers to watch. There really was nothing like watching him fight through 6 innings in a playoff game when he clearly didn't have his best stuff and still only give up 2 runs. He was an absolute warrior on the mound, and he will be sorely missed in the Yankee rotation. Who's excited for Freddy Garcia and Bartolo Colon!?! Buster Olney's article on Andy was great (sorry if you don't have Insider).
Saw this in the supermarket the other day:
Delicious!
You learn something new everyday, I always say, and this was especially true during last week's episode of Jersey Shore when Snooki taught us all that the ocean water is salty because of whale sperm. Duh! That makes total sense! Why else would the water be salty then because all the whales are shooting their loads all over the place in fits of passion!
Speaking of Jersey Shore, this article is hilars. I wonder what it's like to live in a herpes nest?
The referee in the Puppy Bowl is such a disgrace. His hair is literally all over the place, and it is year after year. Seriously dude, this is the pinnacle of Puppy refereeing. Have some respect for yourself and take a shower at least. Also, do you think Michael Vick is allowed to watch the Puppy Bowl as a part of his parole? And if so, do you think he gets a raging bonor when the puppies start fighting? "Mikey, Jr! I'll bet you 5 bucks the pug wins! Also, could you hand me that pillow? My crotch is getting cold."
Few things about the Super Bowl:
- That halftime show was one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. The Black Eyes Peas suck, though I was kinda hoping Fergie's huge dick would fall out at some point in the show.
- Suck it, Brett Favre! As if it wasn't enough that his last year in the NFL (hopefully) was so shitty that he became a pathetic, worthless failure, now the team that he left because he was a jackass won the Super Bowl without him! And with a QB who is better than him to boot, even though he refused to help him learn the ropes when he was there! SUCK IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!
- And finally... once again, I can tell the future with my beer purchase. Let's go over the history: 2 years ago, I bought Iron City, and Pittsburgh won. 1-0. Last year, I bought Abita, and New Orleans won. 2-0. This year? I bought a plethora of beers brewed in Wisconsin, and who won? The Green Bay Packers. 3-0. I am a soothsayer. I say sooths. The streak lives on!
To be honest, I wasn't going to do a Brain Fart today seeing as I was gone all weekend at Winter Camp 2011 at Mt. Snow, shredding fresh powder like Picabo Street in her prime even though it was only my second time out. But I decided I couldn't do that to you people, because I know you rely on me to help you waste time at work. So on with the festivites!
The Rangers beat the Capitals (again!) in a shootout last Monday, but did Steve see it? Noooooooo, because OUR BUILDING DOESN'T GET VERSUS. First off, NHL - get off Versus. It's a shitty channel. Second, my building - negotiate your shit with DirecTV so I can get the channel and watch hockey. ENOUGH WITH THE BULLSHIT.
Ohio St.'s basketball players are vocally gifted:
I saw my first episode of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena the other day, and if you like blood and titties, this is your jam! Also, if you are a fan of Xena: Warrior Princess (and obviously have no friends) because you think Lucy Lawless is hot, then check it out because you get to see her funbags.
I love that they're taking Jersey Shore to Italy next season, seeing as they can't even function as legitimate human beings when everyone around them speaks English. It should be EPIC. Also, that show has the most amazing comedic timing, such as when Ronnie and Sam were fighting (again...) and Pauly D came into the background with a birthday cake for Ryder. Good lord, what a fantastic show. I'm surprised the Emmy's haven't come calling yet.
SERIOUSLY, ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING SNOW. Wait. What's that you say? It's snowing again tomorrow? Fuck me.
Seriously, who gives a shit about the X Games? It's just a bunch of cool "rebels" who hate their parents doing tricks on boards while some guy screams out, "Holy crap! He just did a 1230 Double McMuffin Twistie SpinFlip! That was SSIIIIICCKK!!" It also is annoying because ESPN shows all that shit at night instead of something that people actually want to watch, like SportsCenter. I just don't get it.
I saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World over the weekend, which was a movie I never had the inclination to ever see, seeing as it just looked like another emo cry-fest where Michael Cera plays the same character that he plays in every movie. The verdict? It's totally AWESOME. You need to check that shit out if you haven't already.
Flipping channels last night, I stumbled across the end of some documentary or show or whatever about how beer saved the world and made America what it is today. I forget what it's called, didn't write it down, and can't find it on Google, but I wholeheartedly agree.
And finally, while up in Vermont showing people that what Sean White does is really no big thang, me and my friends began spreading the doctrine of Friendship in '11. Basically, you should be as friendly as you can whenever you can, and people will recognize you with Friendship Points, which make everyone feel great. The more Friendship Points, the better this world will be. Think there would be so much strife in the Middle East if they began handing out Friendship Points? Absolutely not. Think World War II happens if the Nazi's were receiving Friendship Points? God no. Think J-Wowww and Sam would be punching the shit out of each other if The Situation was just handing out Friendship Points? No way! Point is, let's all start handing out and earning Friendship Points, and you'll see just how great life can be.
Greetings everyone, and welcome to the Monday Morning Brain Fart, which you're most likely reading on Tuesday seeing as I neglected to do this on Sunday night. And by you I mean the 3 people who still come to this site. I feel like writing letters to people. POO BUTT OR WALK.
Dear Mayor Jeremiah Healy (or Daddy),
Please fix the traffic light pattern on Washington Blvd. It's fucking stupid that every time a light turns green, the next one, which is only about 20 feet away, turns red. It's like a fucking 20 foot drag race between each light. Not to mention I'm going to kill someone who jaywalks one day, and it may or may not be accidental. Fix that shit.
Dear Winter,
Please be over. We here in Jersey don't want to know what it's like to live in Buffalo, Canada. Global warming my ass.
Dear Antrel Rolle,
The offseason just freaking started and already you're opening your mouth and saying dumb shit. Just shut the hell up and lift weights or something. Tom Coughlin is not Rex Ryan. You probably knew this when you signed a $35 million contract with us. Football will be fun if/when you actually make the playoffs.
Dear Snooki,
You are an incredible human being, and I feel blessed to have you in my life. When you said you were giving up drinking, and then said, "I think Pinot's ok. Pregnant people do it."... I really couldn't have thought of anything smarter to say at that very moment. And thank you for being such a disaster that they showed 2 episodes of Jersey Shore last week. When does your book come out? Oh yeah, and thank you for introducing me to the word "Cooka." That shit is hilarious!
Dear Rangers fans,
I'm sorry for Brandon Dubinsky getting hurt. It is 100% my fault, and I take full responsibility. In football, I am cursed, but I thought it stopped at that. I have bought 3 Giants jerseys: Jeremy Shockey, Plaxico Burress and Rodney Hampton. Shockey turned into a psycho, Burress shot himself, and Hampton got fat in retirement. I have been given 4 as gifts: Ike Hilliard, Tiki Barber, Eli Manning and Justin Tuck. Hilliard had a solid career, Tiki is the greatest running back in our history even though he's a douche, Eli is the cutest Super Bowl MVP ever, and Tuck is one of the best defensive linemen in the game. So as you can see, I curse people when I buy jerseys. But like I said, I thought it stopped at football. So a couple weeks ago, I bought a Brandon Dubinsky jersey... and now he has a stress fracture in his leg. So for this, I apologize. I should have known better.
Dear Residents of Portofino in the JC who own dogs that aren't named Dexter,
Pick up your fucking dog's shit. It's disgusting when you go to the dog run to toss a tennis ball around and you have to step around dried up shit. Besides, most of you have shitty little rats as dogs, so the poop can't possibly be that big. Pick it up.
Dear Comedy Central,
Pull the plug on Onion SportsDome. Onion sports videos are funny in moderation, perhaps one quick viewing at a time. The whole show? Not that good. Really not that funny. In fact, it kinda sucks.
Dear People Playing Me in Wii Goldeneye,
That dapper man in the white suit killing you every time you turn around? Yeah that's me, Scaramanga. I own your shit.
Dear Newport Centre Mall Taco Bell,
I know I've mentioned this before, but thank you again for being one of the finest Taco Bell's around. Your beefy 5-layer burrito is one of the best, cleanly put together so that it does not run all over the place, yet still loaded with flavor and happiness. Plus, your cheesy gordita crunches are some of the few that don't stick to the paper when you unwrap them. Kudos, technicians of wonderment.
And on that note, Dear Taco Bell,
The new beefy crunch burrito that has the spicy Fritos in it? Not a great idea. The Fritos end up kind of mushy, so the crunch aspect just doesn't work. You're better than this.
Dear Reader of this blog,
My apologies if this sucks. I'm listening to the Rangers on the radio at the moment because we don't have fucking Versus. So if I seem distracted... now you know why.
Speaking of the Rangers - Dear Marion Gaborik,
Thank you for finally scoring in a hockey game. Now please do it more often than just once in every 8 games. We pay you to score goals, remember?
Dear Harbor Casino in JC,
You're a fun bar. A little divey. Darts. Cheap booze. Not overly crowded. LOVE IT. You'll be seeing me more from now on.
MOVIES I SAW RECENTLY: The Rock - Still holds up. Fucking awesome 90s action movie. But I ask: Why did Nic Cage and that obnoxious marine want the chip so badly in the end? The last rocket was already gone, it was meaningless. I never understood that. The Jerk - Hilarious. Made in 1979 and still funny. The Dilemma - Better than I thought it was going to be. Pretty funny, but also kind of deep. There's a lesson at the end, kind of like an episode of Boy Meets World.
Oh right. This brings me too - Dear Stupid Chick in the Theater where I was watching The Dilemma,
SHUT THE FUCK UP. I could say something specific right now, but I'll probably get in trouble, so I'll just leave it at this: You're an asshole, no one cares about your thoughts on the movie, and even if we did, we wouldn't want you to yell it then laugh like a fucking hyena. So stop texting, get off the fucking phone and shut the hell up before someone (me) runs you over with a steamroller.
Dear Scotty,
Thank you for sending me the following picture. You are a wonderful human being. You're also quite funny.
Dear Brian Schottenheimer,
You suck at your job. 4th and 1. Goal line. AFC Championship Game. Shonn Greene has been running over people like a Mac truck. So naturally, you give the ball to old-as-shit LaDainian Tomlinson and run him up the middle into one of the best run defenses in the league. Seriously?
And finally - Dear everyone I will be at the Super Bowl party with,
I hope you don't mind having the result of the game blown for you beforehand because of which beer I buy. 2 years ago? I brought Iron City. Pittsburgh won. Last year? I brought Abita. New Orleans won. Sensing a trend here? Which beer will I bring this year? I guess you'll find out in 2 weeks.
Greetings on this Monday morning in April that was supposed to be 80 and sunny but is instead 56 and incredibly foggy, so much so that apparently everyone forgot how to operate their automobiles today, making my commute to work somewhat of a disaster. However, none of that could get me down because of the sports high I am on from last week! The deets:
