MMBF - 3/7: Time for some Philly Bashing!

Good day everyone, and welcome to my next installment of the internet's most pointless blog post, the Monday Morning Brain Fart. I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend, but clearly was lucky enough to make it out alive, so please, go ahead and rejoice to yourself, quietly if you happen to presently be in a professional environment. Otherwise, crack open a few cold ones and read on.

I get the feeling that Lady Gaga is trying to start an LGBT cult. Her new video is really fucked up (though that's not surprising), but it also has this ridiculous manifesto at the beginning that makes absolutely no sense to me, and has some crazy shit with unicorns and aliens. Plus she looks ridiculous with those horns growing out of her cheeks... but yes, I still find her music absurdly catchy and it is on my iPod. Whatever.



This movie is gonna suck.



It was officially the end of an era for Jets fans this past week. Rory cried softly to himself throughout the night. Jeremiah filled up a bathtub, got in and plugged in the toaster. Even across the country Holly thought about running into traffic on the 101 during rush hour. Yes, that's right kids... Vernon Gholston was released. The Jets are never going to win another football game ever again.

Losing Marty Biron for the rest of the year SUCKS for the Rangers, so Henrik is going to have to be even better than he has been from here on out. And speaking of the Rangers, it was nice to wipe our asses with the Flyers yesterday to get our playoff push back on track. Suck it, Philly!

I have found my absolute dream job. God help the man who gets this over me.

I am addicted to Angry Birds on my iPhone... but this may be taking it a bit too far.



So I've been going to the gym recently in an (as of yet futile) attempt to lose weight and not make women run away screaming rape every time I take my shirt off. Thought I'd give you a little peek into my workout regiment:



When to the Park Avenue Tavern on 39th and Park recently. Little classy for my taste, but they had a whole section of the bar that had taps AT THE TABLES. You just sit there and pour your own beers all night long. Genius!

For some reason I was in the mood to watch Supersize Me, so I did. And then I ate a Big Mac the next day. That movie is like one long commercial for deliciousness, which may or may not have been the intended purpose.

Charlie Sheen is the greatest of Americans. I don't care what anyone else says.



My thoughts on this past week's Top Chef (finale this week!):

- I hate that they've edited down the intro so my weekly dose of Casey is lessened even more. She's so perrrty.
- Richard is an absolute genius. MRE bags in his knife kit?! Only Richard could pull of something like that.
- I thought when the mothers/wives/husbands came running up to the chefs on Ellis Island (which is in NEW JERSEY) that Blais was gonna bang right then and there and give his wife another baby to be friends with the one already in there. He needs to get some.
- Speaking of Blais' wife, Jazmin Blais sounds like either an insanely hot porn star or a character on Mortal Kombat (thanks Best Week Ever) that finishes you with some sort of blazing inferno.
- It's a shame that Mike and Antonia didn't bang earlier in the show so that A) things would be SUPER awkward now, and B) they could have some sweet inbred children.
- Prior to elimination, I thought that if all the dishes were equal, Tiffany should go home based on past results. Well, all the dishes were equal... and I still think the same thing. Cop-out decision by the judges.
- I was about to leap into the TV and stab Padma when she played that bullshit and pretended to send Richard home... but then I would have broken Cordes' TV, so I didn't do that. You're welcome, Bryan.

The BYU honor code, which that bro on the basketball team broke by smashing out his girlfriend, is absolute insanity. No tea? How can you not allow someone to drink tea? I would imagine Provo, Utah is somewhere you can go if you're allergic to Starbucks chains.

They're making an energy drink out of the byproducts of my roommate's sexual escapades (picture of roommate below).



This is about as ironic as it gets.

This article by Bill Simmons is a must-read if you're as pissed off at the NFL owners and their insane greed as I am. It's a little long but it shows how the owners couldn't give two shits about the fans, who just happen to be the people who give them the insane amount of money they already have. Go figure.

I can't get enough of how on Jersey Shore Vinny's dick is nicknamed Moby Dick. That has to be the ultimate complement right? I also always enjoy when 2 couples are hooking up in the same room at the same time. No time for shame! WE JUST GOTTA GET IT IN BRO! But I do have this question: Why do they continuously have to censor the poop in the clogged toilet? Who doesn't love a good poop shot?

Watched Independence Day over the weekend. The President's speech is the single greatest speech made by an organic life form in the history of being.



As I said earlier, I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend for the Philly Craft Beer Fest. It was there that I discovered that Hometown Brewery makes a beer called New Jersey Ale. Clearly this is now my favorite beer ever. Speaking of the Beer Fest though... seriously? There were only 4 urinals for the whole festival? Typical Philly. Dumbasses. I thought I was a chick for a second because the guy's line was so damn long. Think that kinda shit happens in Jersey? No way.

People in Philly suck at driving. Yes, I know I could have stopped that sentence at "suck." Also, the road layouts in that city are stupid. It's like they were designed by some idiot who had to diarrhea in the worst way but was contractually obligated to finish the maps before he could go sit on the throne.

And finally, as most of you know that there are 2 main, institutional cheesesteak joints in Philly: Pat's and Geno's. And since the folks of Filthadelphia are too dumb to figure out which one is better, I figured I would do it on my own, seeing as I am the Chef of the Century and my opinions on food (and everything else for that matter) are 100% fact. So here we go:

First stop:



And here is their cheesesteak sandwich:



As you can see, I only put my ketchup on half of it so that A) I could taste at least half in it's natural form, and B) so you could see it without globs of blood all over it (I did this at Pat's too). I also always ordered Cheese Whiz and onions, which seems to constitute the traditional cheesesteak. The steak was not chopped up, but instead large, thin slices. Meat was kinda chewy. Not too much cheese whiz either, actually, which was surprising. Next!



And here is Pat's cheesesteak sandwich:



This one had way more meat on it, and the steak was chopped up, so it wasn't as chewy as the Geno's steak. They also put way more cheese whiz on it. So even though the Pat's steak was a sloppier eating experience (probably due to the increased amount of meat and whiz), it was definitely better. Not to mention cheaper.

Philly Cheesesteak Verdict: Pat's King of Steaks makes the better cheesesteak. There Philly, I just solved something that you still haven't figured out in like 80 years. And since I just ate both in a row, I seriously need to puke.
Sub-Verdict: I've had better cheesesteaks at the Jersey Shore, not to mention in many other places around New Jersey. That's right. I went there. Suck it, Philly.