MMBF - 3/28: All is right with the world.

Hello everyone, and welcome to this edition of the Monday Morning Brain Fart, which I am writing on Tuesday night and you're probably reading on Wednesday afternoon. Fun times. Please enjoy this list of nonsense that I randomly wrote down on my iPhone's notepad as the week went along.

Oh sweet! It's the first day of spring (last Monday)! WTF! There's 2 inches of snow on the ground. Awesome. I'm going to kill that fucking groundhog. What a piece of shit liar.

So now the kick-offs in the NFL will be from the 35 instead of the 30. Just another example of the league ruining football in the name of "player safety." You know, the kind of safety that would be promoted by there being 2 extra games during the year lining the owners already well-insulated pockets. I swear we'll be watching the National Flag Football League at some point in my lifetime. I do have to say though, this rule is actually beneficial to the Giants. Maybe now Lawrence Tynes will actually be able to reach the end zone! And we always have terrible kick returners so all the touchbacks won't give them a chance to only take it out to the 17 and possibly fumble!

Bob Barker in that State Farm commercial looks like he died a few years ago, and they dug up his body, stuffed it, and shoved him in a Jersey Shore spray-tan booth. If the camera panned down I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a puppeteer with his arm up Bob's ass controlling his movements.

My thoughts on 2 weeks ago's Top Chef, which was the finale before the finale before the finale:
- No intro at all this week?! No Casey :-(
- I can't believe Antonia and Tiffany beat Blais and Mike!! With a beef salad too. Lame.
- Hot damn! Padma was looking fiiiiine in that bikini.
- Whenever the Nassau Yacht Club was on screen, I could only think of Elite Ian's future.
- The sexual innuendo of Mike asking Antonio about tasting his conch (pronounced conk) was slightly unsettling. However, I still wish they banged before they found out they were related.
- Mike Isabella is totally cleaning up! I think Blais is going to scalp him.
- Finally Tiffany goes! But at least she went down swinging, not with a bomb of a dish. Even though she doesn't deserve to win, I think I might miss her. She seems nice.

I found it hilarious that UConn women's hoops coach Geno Auriemma was complaining about the lack of fan support at their home games, saying they were spoiled with all their success and take the team for granted. Geno, no one is coming to your games because NO ONE CARES ABOUT WOMEN'S BASKETBALL, not because they're spoiled. Call me sexist, but women's basketball is boring as hell. There's only so many layups and chest passes I can take, and I'm not alone in feeling that way.

What history would sound like if Gus Johnson was always around announcing it:

Great Moments in History with Gus Johnson from Gus Johnson

And a side note - if Gus Johnson was constantly following me around, doing play-by-play on my life, I would be the happiest man on earth. I would be so much more epic than I actually am.

And now my thoughts on last week's Top Chef, the finale after the finale before the finale:
- Casey! Intro is back! THANK GOD.
- Good to see Carla in the Quickfire twist... I really liked the premise of them having to give each other their challenges/twists.
- Like I said 3 paragraphs ago, Mike Isabella is absolutely cleaning up. Blais is sweating his hot streak I think.
- Morimoto looks like he wants to kill everyone in the room while waiting to see who would pick him for the challenge.
- I totally loved how Morimoto came to dinner dressed as Splinter from Ninja Turtles.
- HOLY SHIT, THE CHALLENGE TWIST ENVELOPE! I FORGOT!
- I think we got the finale we all wanted, even though I was kinda sorta starting to like Antonia. Then I remembered she fucked over Casey, so good riddance BITCH.
- HOLY JESUS FABIO AND CASEY COME BACK THIS WEEK! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! disghlskdjhglSDnbv;oewirnv;iorwnv;ior!!!!
- My pick for Top Chef is Richard Blais. The cream always rises to the top my friends.

- Kemba Walker is the man. San Diego St. had to be kidding themselves if they thought they could stop the basketball Jesus.

- Wow. Peace Duke.

- The countdown is on! 18 YEARS UNTIL SHE IS LEGAL!!!!

My thoughts on the season finale of Jersey Shore:
- The fat dude doing the worm at Danny's BBQ is very impressive. I wish I could do that.
- Uncle Nino is a pimp.
- J-WOWWW's dad is super dweeby, very much unlike anything I expected. I bet he's super proud of what his daughter has become!
- Watching everyone's reaction while Ronnie and Sammy fight is hilarious. Unfortunately we get entirely too much of said reactions.
- How are J-WOWWW's dogs not trained? They literally just shit all over everything all day. I wish I could do that and have people laugh at me instead of being publicly ridiculed and ostracized by society.
- I'm excited for when Snooki is president because then I'll be tan. Right now I can only burn.

Saturday I went to the USA-Argentina soccer game at the new Giants Stadium. More thoughts!
- My boy from the Red Bulls, Juan Agudelo with the goal for the US! I better enjoy him this year, because I'm sure before long he'll be sold to some big European team where he can ride the bench for 5 years!
- There's no diving/flopping in America, Argentinians. You are all annoying.
- Messi is unbelievable. It literally takes 5 defenders to get the ball off of him. Totally unreal.
- I love how Clint Dempsey always looks like he wants to knife everyone, though I guess I would too if I constantly had defenders trying to break my ankles. And I do wish he actually had shanked Javier Mascherano, because that guy is the biggest bitch and biggest diver I have ever seen.
- Bob Bradley, PLEASE give it up with Demerit, Spector, Gooch... we all know what we're getting from these guys, and it's not that great. Sometimes it's terrible. What harm would there have been in playing Tim Ream? Possibly having a pass from the back completed? HOW TERRIBLE!

Leslie Visser has had WAY too much plastic surgery. I mean, I know she's old as shit, but still, her face barely moves when she talks and her mouth is formed into a permanent smile. She's like Joker without the makeup.

UConn is going to the Final Four! Kemba is my current man crush.

VCU? Really? I guess at-large 11 seeds from the Colonial Athletic Conference making the Final Four isn't that original after all, right Megan?

And finally, all is right in the world, because FANTASY BASEBALL IS BACK! There are few things I enjoy more than spending hours pouring over my rosters, proposing/making trades, taking everyone else's money when I win the league... it's just too awesome. And yes, I have a girlfriend. Why she stays with me I'll never know.