2011 MLB Preview!

They always say in the commercials that if you have a erection that lasts longer than 4 hours you should get immediate medical attention. Well call 9-1-1 because today was Opening Day and my pants are TIGHT! Opening Day is literally the happiest day of the year, the day when our national pastime comes back to entertain us night after night from now until early November. So as I sit here watching ESPN's nightcap between the Giants and Dodgers, I figured, why not crank out a season preview? Might as well piggyback on last year's complete failure and embarrassment and once again tell you which teams to run to Vegas and not bet on. And no, doing a preview while already having seen a handful of games for this season is not cheating.

NL East

1) Philadelphia Phillies
Their offense is old and decrepit except for Ryan Howard, but if you throw him nothing but curveballs he'll strike out 537 times this year. But they've got that ridiculous staff, so it's hard not to pick them, as much as it pains me.
2) Atlanta Braves (Wild Card)
Deep pitching staff, deep lineup, and a potentially great bullpen if Jonny Venters and Craig Kimbrel do what we all think they'll do. Can absolutely be a 90 win team.
3) Florida Marlins
Should be a feisty competitor, and all 18 of their fans will be excited about it.
4) Washington Nationals
I'd probably pick them 3rd if Stephen Strasburg's arm wasn't already ruined, but they have potential. Decent lineup anchored by a fantasy favorite of mine, Ryan Zimmerman.
5) New York Mets
The Fighting Madoffs are just one big ball of bad news. Looking for some entertaining Minor League Baseball this year? Head out to Citi Field!

NL Central

1) Chicago Cubs
Upset pick! But my picks are always wrong, so this more or less amounts to false hope for the South Siders.
2) Milwaukee Brewers
Potentially really good starting staff is already hit with injury issues, and I don't trust their bullpen. But they'll be sending that yellow-bearded brewmaster down the big slide plenty.
3) St. Louis Cardinals
Lost Adam Wainwright for the season, but they still have the best player in baseball in Albert Pujols, so that has to keep them in contention, right?
4) Cincinnati Reds
My pick for the team that surprised last year who will inevitably fail the following year because the previous year was a fluke. This of course means they'll probably win the World Series.
5) Houston Astros
I'd put them in last place but for the sake of my brother's sanity I'll move them up a notch!
6) Pittsburgh Pirates
Good young core, but.... Hey only 5 months until Steelers training camp! Oh wait, might not be any NFL this year... ummmm, at least Pittsburghians still have the french fry sandwiches!

NL West

1) Colorado Rockies
Lot to like here. Carlos Gonzalez and Troy Tulowitzki are absolute studs, and Ubaldo Jimenez can win a Cy Young. Plus who doesn't love playoff baseball in the snow?
2) San Francisco Giants
Their young arms threw a ton of innings in their World Championship season a year ago, so one of them is going to break down. Tom Verducci says so.
3) Los Angeles Dodgers
They'll be ok, but when they need mid-season reinforcements they won't get them because the owner will be busy spending his last couple of bucks makin' it rain at the strip club after his wife soaks him for all he's worth in the divorce. Plus fans who don't bother to show up to games until the 3rd inning and then leave in the 7th don't deserve a good team.
4) San Diego Padres
They may only score 11 total runs this entire year. It's a shame they used 5 of them today.
5) Arizona Diamondbacks
Move along, nothing to see here.

AL East

1) New York Yankees
Big bounce-back years from Derek Jeter and Gay-Rod, their bullpen is the best in baseball, and they'll trade for a frontline starter at the deadline. Nothing to worry about.
2) Boston Red Sawcks
Lackey, Beckett and Dice-K all suck. Papeldouche sucks. And we'll see if Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez can actually handle the media and fan pressure that comes with playing in an actual sports town. No guarantee that they can. How are they winning 100 games again?
3) Tampa Bay Rays
Despite losing the aforementioned Crawford and Carlos Pena, they still have a really good lineup, as well as a potential Cy Young winner in David Price. It's a shame nobody cares about them.
4) Baltimore Orioles
Even though he's running his mouth like he's in an AND1 Mix-Tape, Buck Showalter will have this team playing hard. They'll be respectable. Plus they get bonus points for having the best stadium in baseball.
5) Toronto Blue Jays
Lots of potential at the top of their rotation and they'll hit home runs, but... seriously? Canada? Come on now.

AL Central

1) Minnesota Twins
They always find a way. Mauer, Morneau and Nathan will be fine, and Ron Gardenhire is arguably the best manager in baseball.
2) Detroit Tigers (Wild Card)
As long as Miguel Cabrera is sober he'll be an MVP candidate, plus they have one of the best pitchers in the league in Justin Verlander. The people of Detroit have to have SOMETHING good going for them right?
3) Chicago White Sox
Lots to like about this team, but Ozzie Guillen will probably say something stupid again, get himself fired, and the whole season will go down in flames. I'm giving 3-1 odds on that one.
4) Kansas City Royals
They're minor league teams might go undefeated this year! But will any of those kids (I hate that I'm old enough to call them kids) prove to be the real deal? Probably, but not until next year.
5) Cleveland Indians
As if God couldn't shit on Cleveland enough.

AL West

1) Oakland A's
The Giants proved last year that you can do damage with superior pitching and almost no offense, and it looks like the A's are trying to copy that formula. Their staff is potentially the best in baseball, despite the fact that Dallas Braden seems like a jack-ass.
2) Texas Rangers
They'll score a helluva lot, but will they have enough pitching? Sure, but not enough to make the playoffs. Plus their fans probably like the Cowboys, so they can suck it.
3) Anaheim Angels
They're not in Los Angeles, and I don't know why they would want to be. That place sucks. Trading for Vernon Wells tells you a lot about their current situation.
4) Seattle Mariners
Not going to make the same mistake as last year! They have King Felix, and..... rain? Ichiro is like 87 now too I think. Sorry Ian.

Playoffs - Division Series

Cubs over Phillies - UPSET ALERT!!!! Too much Fukudome for the Phils to handle.
Braves over Rockies - Atlanta kicks some ass, but still can't sell-out The Ted. What an awful sports town.
Yankees over Tigers - Sorry Detroit. No match for the Bombers.
Twins over A's - The Twins actually win a playoff series because they're not playing the Yanks.

Championship Series

Cubs over Braves - If anyone from Chicago is reading this blog (and I doubt it), they are currently cursing me.
Yankees over Twins - As I said, the Twins can only win in the playoffs if they don't play the Yanks.

World Series

Cubs over Yankees - Finally! After 103 years the Cubs win a World Series. What the hell am I thinking? I must be drunk. Somewhere Steve Bartman is crying... because I'll inevitably be wrong and the Cubbies will actually only win 68 games.