MMBF - 1/24: WHO WILL I PICK??

Greetings everyone, and welcome to the Monday Morning Brain Fart, which you're most likely reading on Tuesday seeing as I neglected to do this on Sunday night. And by you I mean the 3 people who still come to this site. I feel like writing letters to people. POO BUTT OR WALK.



Dear Mayor Jeremiah Healy (or Daddy),

Please fix the traffic light pattern on Washington Blvd. It's fucking stupid that every time a light turns green, the next one, which is only about 20 feet away, turns red. It's like a fucking 20 foot drag race between each light. Not to mention I'm going to kill someone who jaywalks one day, and it may or may not be accidental. Fix that shit.

Dear Winter,

Please be over. We here in Jersey don't want to know what it's like to live in Buffalo, Canada. Global warming my ass.

Dear Antrel Rolle,

The offseason just freaking started and already you're opening your mouth and saying dumb shit. Just shut the hell up and lift weights or something. Tom Coughlin is not Rex Ryan. You probably knew this when you signed a $35 million contract with us. Football will be fun if/when you actually make the playoffs.

Dear Snooki,

You are an incredible human being, and I feel blessed to have you in my life. When you said you were giving up drinking, and then said, "I think Pinot's ok. Pregnant people do it."... I really couldn't have thought of anything smarter to say at that very moment. And thank you for being such a disaster that they showed 2 episodes of Jersey Shore last week. When does your book come out? Oh yeah, and thank you for introducing me to the word "Cooka." That shit is hilarious!

Dear Rangers fans,

I'm sorry for Brandon Dubinsky getting hurt. It is 100% my fault, and I take full responsibility. In football, I am cursed, but I thought it stopped at that. I have bought 3 Giants jerseys: Jeremy Shockey, Plaxico Burress and Rodney Hampton. Shockey turned into a psycho, Burress shot himself, and Hampton got fat in retirement. I have been given 4 as gifts: Ike Hilliard, Tiki Barber, Eli Manning and Justin Tuck. Hilliard had a solid career, Tiki is the greatest running back in our history even though he's a douche, Eli is the cutest Super Bowl MVP ever, and Tuck is one of the best defensive linemen in the game. So as you can see, I curse people when I buy jerseys. But like I said, I thought it stopped at football. So a couple weeks ago, I bought a Brandon Dubinsky jersey... and now he has a stress fracture in his leg. So for this, I apologize. I should have known better.

Dear Residents of Portofino in the JC who own dogs that aren't named Dexter,

Pick up your fucking dog's shit. It's disgusting when you go to the dog run to toss a tennis ball around and you have to step around dried up shit. Besides, most of you have shitty little rats as dogs, so the poop can't possibly be that big. Pick it up.

Dear Comedy Central,

Pull the plug on Onion SportsDome. Onion sports videos are funny in moderation, perhaps one quick viewing at a time. The whole show? Not that good. Really not that funny. In fact, it kinda sucks.

Dear People Playing Me in Wii Goldeneye,

That dapper man in the white suit killing you every time you turn around? Yeah that's me, Scaramanga. I own your shit.

Dear Newport Centre Mall Taco Bell,

I know I've mentioned this before, but thank you again for being one of the finest Taco Bell's around. Your beefy 5-layer burrito is one of the best, cleanly put together so that it does not run all over the place, yet still loaded with flavor and happiness. Plus, your cheesy gordita crunches are some of the few that don't stick to the paper when you unwrap them. Kudos, technicians of wonderment.

And on that note,
Dear Taco Bell,

The new beefy crunch burrito that has the spicy Fritos in it? Not a great idea. The Fritos end up kind of mushy, so the crunch aspect just doesn't work. You're better than this.

Dear Reader of this blog,

My apologies if this sucks. I'm listening to the Rangers on the radio at the moment because we don't have fucking Versus. So if I seem distracted... now you know why.

Speaking of the Rangers -
Dear Marion Gaborik,

Thank you for finally scoring in a hockey game. Now please do it more often than just once in every 8 games. We pay you to score goals, remember?

Dear Harbor Casino in JC,

You're a fun bar. A little divey. Darts. Cheap booze. Not overly crowded. LOVE IT. You'll be seeing me more from now on.

MOVIES I SAW RECENTLY:
The Rock - Still holds up. Fucking awesome 90s action movie. But I ask: Why did Nic Cage and that obnoxious marine want the chip so badly in the end? The last rocket was already gone, it was meaningless. I never understood that.
The Jerk - Hilarious. Made in 1979 and still funny.
The Dilemma - Better than I thought it was going to be. Pretty funny, but also kind of deep. There's a lesson at the end, kind of like an episode of Boy Meets World.

Oh right. This brings me too -
Dear Stupid Chick in the Theater where I was watching The Dilemma,

SHUT THE FUCK UP. I could say something specific right now, but I'll probably get in trouble, so I'll just leave it at this: You're an asshole, no one cares about your thoughts on the movie, and even if we did, we wouldn't want you to yell it then laugh like a fucking hyena. So stop texting, get off the fucking phone and shut the hell up before someone (me) runs you over with a steamroller.

Dear Scotty,

Thank you for sending me the following picture. You are a wonderful human being. You're also quite funny.



Dear Brian Schottenheimer,

You suck at your job. 4th and 1. Goal line. AFC Championship Game. Shonn Greene has been running over people like a Mac truck. So naturally, you give the ball to old-as-shit LaDainian Tomlinson and run him up the middle into one of the best run defenses in the league. Seriously?

And finally -
Dear everyone I will be at the Super Bowl party with,

I hope you don't mind having the result of the game blown for you beforehand because of which beer I buy. 2 years ago? I brought Iron City. Pittsburgh won. Last year? I brought Abita. New Orleans won. Sensing a trend here? Which beer will I bring this year? I guess you'll find out in 2 weeks.

Love,
Steven