2009 NFL Preview: NFC West

Arizona Cardinals
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
The Cardinals, perennially one of the worst franchises in the league, got into the playoffs last year based solely on the fact that they play in the NFC West, one of the weakest divisions in the NFL. This is when the magic ensued, however, and they made it all the way to the Super Bowl, where they eventually lost to the Steelers is a game that was not as good as the Super Bowl that preceded it. They were led by Kurt Warner, whose wife no longer has that man haircut, and the best wide receiver duo in the NFL in Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Those 3 return this year, but it doesn't mean they're going to be a better team. Warner is another year older, and if he gets hurt, their quarterback will be a guy who's known more for sniffing coke out of hooker's asses than being good at throwing the football to guys on his own team. Fitzgerald is on the cover of Madden this year, so you know that he's screwed. Boldin is still angry about his contract, not to mention he's been battling a hamstring injury this whole preseason, and the defense has a few standouts, such as Karlos Dansby and Adrian Wilson, but it is decidedly mediocre. All of this adds up to another 9-7 season, but another playoff berth because of the crappy division they're in.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie - His cousin Antonio is already on this team, so why not put him on the other side of the field? He's only 23 years old and has 96 speed and 97 acceleration, so you can progress him into one of the elite cornerbacks in the game in no time. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Jerheme Urban - I thought about putting Deuce Lutui here, because his first name is the same word as the very act of taking a crap (poop jokes are always funny, remember). But I just had to put Jerheme here, and it's not because of the ridiculous spelling of a common name such as Jeremy. It's because we were watching the Cardinals one day and he made a catch, and we just assumed his name was Karl Urban. No, not Keith, the country music superstar, but Karl, the B-List actor who has been in quite a few movies. Go Karl!



St. Louis Rams
Record Last Year: 2-14
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
I'd say things couldn't have gotten worse for the St. Louis Rams last year, but the Detroit Lions happened, so 2 wins really ain't that bad! The Rams just suffered from a severe lack of talent, as well as a severe lack of good coaching. They began the year with Scott Linehan at the reigns, but he was so bad that they replaced him with Jim Haslett, who bye now has proven to all of us that he should never be put in charge of an NFL team, hence why he is coaching in the new United Football League this year. As for the players, Marc Bulger was injured and ineffective, the defense was pretty bad, and they're best player, Steven Jackson, was either hurt or running behind a crappy offensive line, thereby ruining my fantasy team. But hark! The savior has arrived! Steve Spagnuolo, who turned the Giants defense into one of the NFL's best the past 2 years, is the new head coach, and with him comes an intensity for the game that Rams' fans haven't seen from their team in years. I think that intensity will result in a few more wins, and the defense and offensive line will certainly be better, but there still is a dearth of talent on this roster, so they're still a few years away from relevance.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Tye Hill - Though a failure in real life, Tye Hill can be a great asset for your Madden team. He's already 27 years old, but with his 97 speed, you can use him as your nickel cornerback and blitz him off the edge on every play. Trust me. I torture Rory with Hill alllll the time. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
C.J. Ah You - Not only is this a name you don't see every day, month, year, decade or century, but it's also a phrase useful in everyday life. Who was it who ate the last cookie out of the cookie jar? Ah, you! Who made this delightful roasted duck? Ah, you! Who needs this guy on his fantasy team because of his versatile name? Ah, you!



Seattle Seahawks
Record Last Year: 4-12
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
My dear friend Ian's beloved Seadogs had a pretty rough year last year. It was coach Mike Holmgren's final year, as he was retiring (for now) after a fairly successful career, so you would have thought that they would want to send off their coach in grand fashion. Well, the three players on the team who didn't get injured weren't able to do so. Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck had a bad back (that's a lot of backs in one sentence) and rarely played. Julius Jones was their best running back (enough said), and so many of their wide receivers got hurt that their starters were guys named Jordan Kent and Logan Payne, and even they got hurt too. Then on top of all of that, their normally stout defense turned into a light lager. Get it?! Stout?! Lager?! HAHAHAHAHA I AM HILARIOUS! Anyway, things have the possibility of turning around this year. Matt Hasselbeck is healthy again, but that status is always tenuous. They also signed TJ Houshmandzadeh at wide receiver, a position that's also getting Nate Burleson and Deion Branch back. If the defense remembers how to actually stop anyone, they could give Arizona a run for their money in this division, but if they don't, it could be another long year in the Pacific Northwest.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Aaron Curry - The young stud outside linebacker from Wake Forest isn't a good pass rusher in real life, but you can certainly get to the quarterback with him in Madden. With 86 speed and 90 acceleration, just line him up outside your defensive end and watch the opposing quarterback beg for mercy. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Lofa Tatupu - The Seahawks starting middle linebacker is a great player, but that's not why Scotty would want him on his team. He wants him because his name is great fun to say! Lofa! Tatoooopooooo! Say it with me!



San Francisco 49ers
Record Last Year: 7-9
Record This Year: 3-13

Team Overview:
The 49ers were another team from this division who fired their coach partway through last season, when Mike Nolan was shown the door and replaced by NFL and staring-contest legend Mike Singletary. Singletary marked his debut at coach by dressing-down (in the non-sexual way) tight end Vernon Davis on the sideline after he had dogged it on the field. He actually sent him to the locker room, depriving the 49ers of his services for the rest of the game. Actually, on second thought, that may be a good thing as Davis sucks. Then Singletary proceeded to moon his team during a halftime speech, which I think is funny, but the NFL frowned upon. Oh yeah, they played football too, which wasn't really that good either. And it's going to get worse this year, as you can see from my prediction for their record. They're starting quarterback is Shaun Hill, who is a backup at-best on most other teams in this league, and their number 1 pick, Michael Crabtree, apparently thinks he is above the system and wants to get paid as a top 5 pick even though he was picked at 10. Idiot. They also have a built-in curse on their team in linebacker Takeo Spikes, who has NEVER made the playoffs in his 12 years in the NFL. Patrick Willis looks like a future Hall-of-Famer at linebacker, and Frank Gore is a really good running back if he stays healthy, but that's about it for this team. Another dreary season by the bay is on tap.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Patrick Willis - Like I said above, Willis so good at such a young age that he looks like a future Hall-of-Famer. He's only 24 years old and is already a 98 overall. He has 90 speed and 96 acceleration, which is ridiculous for a linebacker. You should get about 70-80 sacks a season with him. Also, he's so fast you can easily block punts with him. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Bear Pascoe - Slim-pickins on this team for guys with funny names, so we'll go with old Bear here for Scotty's team. Saying the name makes me think of an uber-redneck white dude who loves hunting, deer jerky, Busch beer, and NASCAR. Well low and behold, he is white. As for all that other stuff I said, who knows. But a guy can dream right?