Monday Morning Brain Fart - Post Labor Day Edition

LeGarrette Blount is an idiot. He is of course the University of Oregon running back who sucker-punched Boise St. defensive end Byron Hout in the jaw after Hout taunted him after Boise St's season-opening victory Thursday night. Yes, Hout provoked him and should probably be punished in some way, but that is no excuse for Blount losing his mind and trying to go all UFC on the entire stadium. First, he socked Hout in the jaw, then as his teammates were holding him back, he hit one of them in the face. HE HIT HIS TEAMMATE IN THE FACE. Finally, as he was leaving the field, he tried to do his best Ron Artest imitation and go into the stands and fight Boise St. fans. I can't fathom being that stupid. The University was right to suspend him for the year, which just so happens to be his senior year, so his career is over. He was also rated as a 2nd or 3rd round pick in the NFL Draft next year. He can kiss that goodbye too. I hope that punch was worth it, LeGarrette.

After playing Guitar Hero: World Tour for a while tonight, we watched our Spring Break 2006 video. We were down in Panama City, Florida for our Spring Break senior year of college, and we video-taped the entire thing. Lots of ridiculous shenanigans went down, and great times were had by all. Rory did an awesome job of editing the entire experience into a 2 1/2 hour video split between 2 DVDs that we'll be able to watch for the rest of your lives. Or at least until our future wives burn it when we're not looking.

We turned on the TV to check out whatever college football was on Saturday morning, and the first game we happened upon was Syracuse against Minnesota. And believe it or not, Greg Paulus was the starting quarterback for the 'Cuse. Yep, the same Greg Paulus that just finished his senior season as point guard at Duke. It doesn't say too many good things about your football program when a guy who hasn't even picked up a football since high school is your starting QB over the other guys on the roster. Of course he just led them to a touchdown as I wrote this, but I won't consider inserting my foot into my mouth until he actually leads them to some wins, which he did not do on Saturday.

Ian and I had an epic brainstorming session that resulted in what I believe to be two ground-breaking inventions, both of which will make your lives just a little bit easier. Are you ever annoyed that sometimes you have to get up in the middle of a favorite TV show of yours because you have to go and drop a deuce? Well be annoyed no more! The Shit Couch looks like your regular, everyday comfy couch, but the luxurious exterior hides a fully-functional septic system that allows you to shit while you sit! Just lower your shorts slightly enough so no one notices, and let loose the hounds of bowel relief through the hole in the cushions. But wait, there's more! Introducing the Poop Tube, an octopus-like tube system that runs throughout your house, giving you 24-7 access to the toilet without ever going to the bathroom. Just put on the official Poop Tube shorts or pants that have a hole in the butt, insert the Poop Tube into your ass, and just go about life like you normally would! The poop tube stays with you through thick and thin, literally, and allows you to evacuate your waste without taking time out of your day! I'll let you all know when both are for sale, but you can pre-order both of these wonderful products for the low-low price of $150,00 by sending your name, credit card info and shipping address to jerseyisbest@gmail.com.

I'm sure you've all seen those ridiculous Cheez-It commercials by now where some idiot kid comes up with a stupid reason as to how they get so much cheese into each cracker. In one, the kid tells us about a secret place in the desert where scientists gather, hold a gigantic wedge of cheese that must weigh 2 tons over the plain cracker with a crane, and use rays from the sun to explode the cheese onto the cracker. This is just an awful idea. First, it is not cost-effective at all, what with having to hire all of those scientists, develop a base in the desert to carry out this absurd operation, and pay for tons and tons of cheese just to make 1 cracker. Second, the process is as far from efficient as you could possibly be. All that time for 1 cracker?! It must take years just to fill one box. And finally, it's a waste of valuable man-power. All of those scientists could be tucked away in a lab somewhere curing cancer or figuring out how to make a car run on urine instead of making a cracker cheesy. It's all very ludicrous, and that kid should be given a time-out.

We watched the end of the Melanie Oudin - Maria Sharapova tennis match because Sharapova is very nice to look at. Oudin is the 17 year old American who is making a big run in the US Open, but the main reason she won this match against Sharapova was because Sharapova couldn't get a freakin' serve in. She must have double-faulted a million times and just handed the match to Oudin - wait. Why am I writing about women's tennis? Sorry, I'll stop now.

I had major Madden success this weekend against my arch-nemesis Rory, and it was all thanks to players I told you that you needed for your franchise in my NFL Preview. My Browns and his Ravens met in the AFC Championship game, and I emerged victorious thanks to the steady quarterback play of D.J. Shockley and the 30 rushes for 228 yards and 2 touchdowns by Reggie Bush - further evidence that you need them both on your team. I went on to win Super Bowl XLII against the Seahawks, giving Cleveland it's first ever Super Bowl championship - before I take the Browns away for the second time and move them to Anchorage to become the Baboons! Sorry Cleveland!

A night that began with enormous amounts of Taco Bell and Forgetting Sarah Marshall (I can think of few better combinations) continued with the USA - El Salvador World Cup qualifier in Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a must-win for the US if they wanted to keep pace with Costa Rica, Mexico and Honduras in the region, and they took care of business with a 2-1 win. It was not without struggle though, as they fell behind 1-0 before Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore both scored before halftime. Altidore added a 3rd US goal in the second half that was disallowed for some ridiculous reason that was unbeknownst to everyone in the stadium. Then the US got really sloppy, allowing El Salvador chance after chance to tie the score. Tim Howard had to make a really good save towards the end of the game, but the US did hang on for the win in what was a performance they won't take too many good things from. Not their best effort by any stretch of the imagination.

We typically follow our Annual Labor Day Softball Extravaganza with a barbecue at one of our apartments that is complete with good food, good friends, tons of beer and whiskey, and cornhole. This year, our organizational skills left something to be desired, so we went to the Jersey City Beer Garden after softball instead. While walking to the Beer Garden, a friend of mine mentioned how she had waited on Eli Manning and his wife at the restaurant she works at. After telling me what the Mannings had ordered, she proceeded to say that Eli was a bad tipper. I found that hard to believe, so I asked how much he tipped. Her answer: 20%. As far as I'm concerned, 20% is a good tip, above the standard 18%. Her argument was that because he makes millions of dollars every year and can afford to tip exorbitantly, he should. Is it right to believe that? Should rich people be held to a higher standard of tipping just because they make more than you or I? I think 20% is 20%, and it's a good tip, regardless of who is giving it, and that the rich shouldn't have to lavish their riches on you just because they can afford to do so. Your thoughts?

While at the Beer Garden, a bunch of us began discussing the charges against Chargers LB Shawne Merriman. He allegedly choked out MTV reality "star" Tila Tequila and held her against her will in his home. His side of the story is that she was shitfaced and wanted to drive home, so he tried to keep her there until safe transportation for her arrived. He also claims he never hurt her. Now, if the part about her being drunk and wanting to drive home is true, we argued that Merriman actually saved lives by choking her out. If he had allowed her to leave and drive home, it's possible that she may have gotten into a drunk-driving accident and killed people. So by chokin'-a-bitch, Merriman saved the lives of the innocent people who were driving on the same route that she would have taken. It's obviously a terrible thing if he did actually hit her as there are certainly other ways to prevent her from driving drunk, but you never know if she would have killed someone if she had left. Just some food for thought.

Another commercial that annoys the shit out of me is that stupid Chase commercial where the wife comes out into the living room to show her husband the new dress she bought. When he sees this, he talks about how they should use their Chase Sapphire points to go on vacation, all while she's trying to tell him they can't. When he's done trying to convince her that they should go on vacation, she reveals to him that they can't because she used all the points on her dress... and he smiles. He smiles?!?!? I would go nuts if my wife deprived me of a vacation because she used all of my points on a stupid dress!!! This guy is obviously pussy-whipped beyond all reasonable doubt, and his friends should send out an APB on his nuts. Chase should be ashamed of themselves for using this sorry excuse of a man in their commercial. Weak sauce!

I watched Rutgers: The State University of New Jersey's first college football game of the year against Cincinnati today, and let's just say that those who picked Rutgers to win the Big East this year may already be contemplating how dumb they're going to look at the end of the year. Rutgers, in a word, sucked. Cincinnati absolutely had their way with Rutgers in every way imaginable, and the game quickly turned into a bloodbath, which was fitting since the Rutgers home crowd calls themselves the "Sea of Red." And speaking of college football, if I have to hear that stupid Kenny Chesney song/montage ESPN is playing at every moment they possibly can during college football telecasts one more time, I'm going to jump off our 18th-floor balcony and hope I land on some rusty fence posts. It's that bad. ESPN - Please stop. I beg you. Kenny Chesney SUCKS, just like all country music.

My thoughts on the Giants cuts as they got down to the final 53-man roster for the start of the regular season: It wasn't surprising that we released David Tyree, who couldn't seem to put together a consistent camp and was injured, but it's really sad at the same time. Tyree was one of the best special teams performers you'll see, and provided us Giants fans with one of the greatest memories we'll ever have with his miracle catch in Super Bowl XLII. More on him in a later post. We also cut DE Maurice Evans, who showed a lot of promise and is really talented, but just couldn't make the roster because we have so much depth and talent on our defensive line. I was hoping he would clear waivers so we could sign him to our practice squad, but he was claimed by Tampa Bay and put on their active roster. Sucks for us, good for him. And finally, THANK GOD we cut Andre Woodson, who is one of the worst quarterbacks I have ever seen in my life. He makes Dave Brown and Kent Graham look like Joe Montana and Steve Young. Over the past two years he has been shitting the bed in preseason games, so it's about time we got rid of him. Of course he then signed with the Redskins, who want to pick his brain about our offense to prepare for Week 1. I don't think they'll get very far though as I doubt he knows too much about the offense since he is so shitty. PEACE.

Ugh. Another week of work. But at least it's a 4 day week!