2009 NFL Preview: PLAYOFFS!? YOU TALKIN' ABOUT... PLAYOFFS?!?

I've got to quickly get my playoff predictions in here so I don't post them after the first game of the season happens tonight and you guys all whine and cry about how I used the game to see how the Steelers and Titans would fare this year. Jerks.

Wild-Card Weekend

Bears over Panthers

Jake Delhomme will throw 7 interceptions in the first game of the playoffs for the Panthers, one-upping his performance from last year in this Bears victory.

Giants over Cardinals

The Road Warriors are at it again as they return to the site of their Super Bowl XLII victory and punish Kurt Warner enough for him to actually retire at halftime.

Colts over Patriots

Peyton Manning, making the offensive play-calls as usual, actually calls the defense in this game too, effectively getting into Tom Brady's head so bad that he calls too many audibles at the line and commits 16 delay-of-game penalties.

Chargers over Ravens

Shawne Merriman chokes out Joe Flacco's girlfriend before the game, therefore throwing him off his game just enough to where the Chargers can eke out the victory.

Divisional Playoffs

Packers over Bears

Aaron Rodgers' scruffy man-beard is too much for Brian Urlacher to handle, as he decides Rodgers is too cute for him to actually sack. Rodgers then throws for 625 yards in the Packers victory.

Giants over Eagles

Michael Vick, the starting quarterback for the Eagles at this point, tries to escape the Giants relentless pass rush by running backwards as far as he can go. This results in a safety in overtime, a Giants win, and one dead Cock-a-poo after the game because Vick is so pissed.

Colts over Titans

Nate Washington can only do so much for the Titans, as is 7 catch, 153 yard performance isn't enough to overcome the Colts defense, which featured Peyton Manning himself at middle linebacker.

Chargers over Steelers

Philip Rivers and company march into Heinz Field and defeat the Steelers. After the game we will learn that the Steelers had too much Primanti Bros. and Iron City Lager the previous night, which is why Ben Roethlisberger was on the shitter instead of the field for the second half.

Conference Championships

Giants over Packers

In a rematch of the NFC Championship 2 seasons ago, the Giants once again emerge victorious when Lawrence Tynes FINALLY hits a field goal in overtime on his 7th attempt at a game-winner. It is a tropical 97 degrees in Green Bay on this day.

Chargers over Colts

There's only so much Peyton Manning can do this time, as Norv Turner's offensive machinations and expert coaching are just too much for the cerebral signal-caller. Apparently Turner had been hiding under the guise of a shitty coach all these years! Tricky bastard!

Super Bowl XLIII

Giants over Chargers

In a battle of quarterbacks that were traded for each other in the 2004 NFL Draft, Eli prevails over Philip Rivers and wins his second Super Bowl MVP trophy. I then become insufferable at this point in my life, and I lose all of my friends.

Breathe it in folks!