2009 NFL Preview: NFC South

Carolina Panthers
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
Carolina had quite the eventful year last year, beginning with star wide receiver Steve Smith (the lesser of the 2 Steve Smiths of course) pretending that cornerback Ken Lucas' face was his own personal punching bag, earning himself a 2 game suspension in the process. But then things got better as Carolina unleashed their 2-headed running back monster on their opponents and steamrolled to the NFC South title. DeAngelo Williams and rookie Jonathan Stewart were that monster, and combined to help Panther fans forget that Jake Delhomme is not really that good of a quarterback. He did a good job of reminding us though when he threw 6 interceptions in their divisional playoff game loss to the Arizona Cardinals. So what did the Panthers do? Give Delhomme a fat new contract of course! Eeeeeaaasy money! They'll be hoping for more of the same this year by continuing to do their best impression of an NFC East team: by combining a great running game with a stout defense, which they have with players like Julius Peppers, Everette Brown, and Jon Beason. And their head coach is an ex-Giants defensive coordinator, so they must be great.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Jon Beason - Many would be tempted by the seductive speed of Steve Smith (the lesser of the 2 Steve Smiths of course, just to remind you), but he's already 30 and, as far as I'm concerned, useless in Madden except to use as trade bait. Get Beason, who's already a 92 overall at middle linebacker at 24 years old. Play him, progress him... love him. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Captain Munnerlyn - I always think it's hilarious when guy's first names are some sort of official title. Like, what parent is sitting their thinking, "My son is gonna to be SO AWESOME, that I'm gonna name him King so that he is referred to as such by his peers, biatch!" Apparently, Captain's mom had these same thoughts.



New Orleans Saints
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 10-6

Team Overview:
The New Orleans Saints were an offensive juggernaut last year, mainly because Drew Brees put up passing numbers that are rarely seen in this league anymore, coming within 1 completed pass of breaking Dan Marino's all-time record for passing yards in a season. It was made even more impressive by the fact that Reggie Bush and Marques Colston were hurt all the time, and Jeremy Shockey continued to prove to all of us that he is a vastly overrated headcase (though he wasn't while he was a Giant, mind you). So you would think that they would win a ton of games by putting up all of these points, right? Wrong! The defense was nothing short of atrocious, and that's me being kind here. They're hoping that changes this year by bringing in Gregg Williams at defensive coordinator to whip them into shape. But no matter how good or bad the defense is, you know Drew Brees and company are going to put up huge numbers year in and year out, and they should be good enough to lead the Saints to a 10-6 record and the brink of the playoffs.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Reggie Bush - He may be soft and shitty in real life, but trust me when I say this, you need Reggie on your Madden team. He has a 97 speed and 98 acceleration, and a fast running back is a necessity in Madden. He is especially good on screens and swing passes, so run him out of the backfield 1-on-1 with a linebacker and run to daylight. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Will Smith - Will Smith is on the Saints!?! I had no idea he was such a dual threat! I mean, I LOVE him in his movies! Independence Day was awesome! Men in Black was epic! Bad Boys was incredible! Hitch was funny and smart! And The Pursuit of Happyness almost made me cry! And he plays football?!?! HE IS SO AWES... wait, what? This isn't THE Will Smith? This is merely a mediocre-at-best defensive linemen? Oh, nevermind then.



Atlanta Falcons
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 8-8

Team Overview:
First off, let's get one thing straight. Matt Ryan, quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, is not the real Matty Ice. Matt Saracen, the just-graduated quarterback of the Dillon Panthers, is in fact the true Matty Ice. Just pop in the season 1 DVDs for Friday Night Lights and you'll know what I'm talking about. Anyway, Matt Ryan did last year what rookie quarterbacks often do not do - win. He was steady throughout the year, put up some good numbers, and rarely made bad mistakes in leading the Falcons to a surprising 11-5 record and the playoffs. This year they'll be looking to improve on their success, and made a big move to acquire future Hall-of-Famer Tony Gonzalez from the Chiefs to give Ryan another weapon on offense along with stud running back Michael Turner and wide receiver Roddy White. The defense will also look to build on the solid year they had last year, which was made possible in part because the defensive coaches did a great job of keeping defensive end John Abraham fresh, so when he was on the field he was constantly in the quarterback's face. Jets fans have no idea what that looks like.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
D.J. Shockley - If there was ever a time in your life that you listened to me, make that time right now. Yes, D.J. sucks in real life and has never seen the field in a regular season game. And yes, he is a 42 overall in Madden. But he is a fast running quarterback, which you always need in Madden, and since he sucks so bad, you barely have to pay him anything, which helps your cap situation. Still need more convincing? He is my quarterback in my franchise, and I never lose. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. And trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Jamaal Fudge - There is of course the obvious use of the word fudge, which is when you want to say the f word but are conscious about censoring yourself when in public or in the presence of minors. But the use I'm more concerned with here is the delicious, chocolatey treat that makes me jump for joy. Yes that's right, chocolatey. There is no other fudge other than chocolate fudge. Vanilla fudge? BITCH PLEASE.



Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 1-15

Team Overview:
It's been all down hill for the Bucs ever since they lost to the G-MEN in the wild card round of the playoffs 2 years ago, which of course was the year my Giants shocked the world and won the Super Bowl!!! (oh boy, there I go again.... aaannnnd I'm good. Moving on). Coach John Gruden couldn't decide on a quarterback, shuffling between Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese all year, and the defense wasn't as stout as it normally has been in past years. Because of all this, Chucky is now the 3rd man in the ESPN Monday Night Football booth because he got kicked to the curb by Bucs ownership. In his place is 32 year old Raheem Morris, who was the Bucs defensive backs coach last year. He has never been a head coach at any level, nor has he even been a coordinator at any level. Many people view him as the next Mike Tomlin, but remember that Tomlin took over a very good Steelers team with a lot of talent. Morris is taking over a team bereft of talent. Their quarterback this year will most likely be Byron Leftwich, who is slower than a fatter, obese version of me, and the defense has seemingly lost all of the playmakers that it was known for in the past, with the exceptions of Barrett Ruud and Ronde Barber. At least they signed Derrick Ward from the Giants, who is AWESOME and will be the only reason they will win 1 game instead of 0. It's going to be a looooooong year by the Bay this year.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
The Equipment Manager - There is absolutely no one from this team that I would want on my Madden franchise. There is no speed. There are barely any players breaking a 90 overall. It's pretty bleak. So I figured I would take their equipment manager so that my Madden team will never have to worry about whether or not their jerseys are clean or their facemasks are attached to their helmets correctly. That's important right? Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Stylez White - Stylez?!?! Really? These parents need to be stopped. There are ridiculous names, and then their are names like Stylez. What if poor Stylez doesn't have any sense of style? The kids will make fun of him non-stop because he would be a walking oxymoron: a guy name Stylez who has no style. It just doesn't make sense, which of course makes him perfect for Scotty's team.