2009 NFL Preview: NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles
Record Last Year: 9-6-1
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
What the hell is wrong with me? Am I, a die-hard New York Giants fan, actually picking the Eagles to win the division? I must be coming down with the Ebola Virus or something. Andy Reid needs to lose weight and bail his drug-ridden children out of jail on a regular basis. Donovan McNabb is the most insecure quarterback you will ever see who was benched for Kevin Kolb last year. They signed a backup quarterback, Michael Vick, who tortures and kills small puppies. Brian Westbrook is old and is always hurt. Hank Baskett managed to bag a Playboy model even though he is a shitty receiver. DeSean Jackson spikes the ball when he scores touchdowns before he actually makes it into the end zone. Shawn Andrews is schizophrenic. Stewart Bradley, their best linebacker, is done for the year with a torn ACL. Sheldon Brown is unhappy with his contract. Asante Samuel has a knack for dropping key interceptions. And all of this means they're going to finish 12-4? Excuse me while I pour a pot of boiling water all over my testicles. 

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Michael Vick - If you can't get D.J. Shockley on your team, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to, Michael Vick is your man. He has been the ultimate running quarterback in Madden for years, and since there are no virtual dogs for him to kill in Madden, you never have to worry about him getting arrested or suspended! Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Macho Harris - If Macho's mom named him this, then she has mental problems. But most likely, Macho is a nickname he gave himself and decided to keep as his "first name," because he thinks he's all tough and shit. Well Macho, you're an Eagle. You are not tough.



New York Giants
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
Ah, finally. A real team to write about. The New York Football Giants - a man's team, unlike those girly girls in Dallas or Philly. Fresh off our miraculous and incredible victory in Super Bowl XLII over the previously undefeated Patriots, the Giants last year were rolling towards another Super Bowl appearance at 11-1. Many considered them the best team in the NFL, and with the league's best running game and one of it's most dominant defenses, it was hard to argue that point. Then that f-ing idiot Plaxico Burress had to shoot himself, literally weeks after I had bought his jersey, and it was at that point that the Giants' season took a turn for the worse. Plax wasn't having the greatest of statistical seasons, but he was so good that the opposing team's defense always had to double-team him, thereby keeping the safeties away from the line of scrimmage and making it easier for us to run the ball. Without Plax there however, teams would put 8 defenders in the box and dare Eli to throw it, which didn't end up being terribly successful because: 1) we had no playmakers at wideout, and 2) Eli can't really throw in the wind, which is a problem when you play your home games at Giants Stadium. A first round playoff exit was inevitable, and of course happened.

This year, however, the Giants should be back to make another run at a Super Bowl. Osi Umenyiora, who was out all of last year with a knee injury, is back, and with him, Justin Tuck and Mathias Kiwanuka, we have the most feared trio of defensive ends in the game. Quarterbacks league-wide will be peeing themselves when they come to the line of scrimmage in anticipation of them getting their asses kicked by our pass rush. The running game should continue to be great, as Brandon Jacobs returns, only this year with Ahmad Bradshaw as his main sidekick, who is a superstar in waiting. Our only big question though (aside from how shitty Lawrence Tynes is) remains the wide receivers. With Plax currently "making friends" in jail, and Amani Toomer not being brought back after a very distinguished career in Blue, the Giants will rely on any combination of Domenick Hixon, Steve Smith, Mario Manningham, Hakeem Nicks, Ramses Barden and Sinorice Moss to make plays for them. If they can, expect the G-Men to make a run at a Super Bowl. If not... still expect them to make a run. I have faith!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Kenny Phillips - At the fresh-off-the-vine young age of 22, Mr. Phillips is ripe for progression as your starting free safety. With 90 speed and 94 acceleration, which are good numbers for a safety, you can fly all over the field laying the wood or picking off wayward passes. Stud in real life. Stud in Madden. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Eli Manning - I would have gone with fullback Madison Hedgecock for obvious reasons (he he he... he said cock... he he), but Scotty needs a quarterback, and who better than the cutest man in all the world, Eli Manning! He stars in almost as many commercials as his brother Peyton these days, and even though he's not quite the actor his brother is, he's getting better. His 'aw shucks' personality translates well to the small screen, and Scotty loves him.



Dallas Cowboys
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
Dallas sucks. Their owner, Jerry Jones, has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers, and he can't even build a stadium right so that punters don't hit his ridiculous video board. Head coach Wade Phillips is the second coming of Rich Kotite. Tony Romo continuously chokes in the big spot, so they'll never win anything with him. "God's Quarterback" Jon Kitna is the backup, but it rarely seems like he's being guided by a higher power when he's actually playing. Marion Barber can't carry the load for an entire game. Felix Jones can't get on the field. Roy Williams isn't as good as most people think he is. Patrick Crayton talks the most shit I've ever seen for someone who hasn't actually done anything in the league. Keith Brooking could be a grandfather. Bobby Carpenter and his pretty ponytail are both huge busts. DeMarcus Ware isn't as good as Justin Tuck, though everyone thinks he is because he's a Cowboy. Terence Newman is overrated. Maybe 9-7 is too high for them? Who knows, but I'm done writing about them because I hate them. This NFL Preview is purely objective, by the way.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Felix Jones - The speedy running back is a 96 speed with 97 acceleration, which in real-life causes him to pull hamstrings, but lucky for you that's not a problem in Madden! Don't trade for him! He's a freakin' Cowboy!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Igor Olshansky - Scotty always needs someone on his team who sounds like they were the Hunchback's best friend up in the bell tower, or Dr. Frankenstein's hump-backed servent who pulls the switch. Either way, he sounds like he has a hump on his back, so maybe he's like a camel and can go for days and days in intense heat without having to pee.



Washington Redskins
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
The Redskins are one of the most poorly run franchises in sports. Dan Snyder, the owner, thinks that he can run the 'Skins like the Yankees, only he seems to not realize that there is a salary cap in football. Oops! Then this offseason they stooped to new lows when they began suing people who could no longer pay for their season tickets because they had lost their jobs, had gotten sick and had to use the money for medical bills, etc. Real classy, Dan. As far as the team goes, quarterback Jason Campbell must be awesome because they tried to replace him twice this offseason but failed to do so. Clinton Portis wears down over the season and isn't as effective towards the end. Malcolm Kelly is a bust. Devin Thomas is a bust. Antwaan Randle-El isn't actually that good of a receiver even though they pay him like one. Chris Cooley likes to show his wang on the internet. Albert Haynesworth got paid $100 million, and he only plays 50% of the snaps (smart money Dan!). DeAngelo Hall is ridiculously overrated but thinks he's Deion Sanders. All of this adds up to yet another season that will fall short of expectations in the nation's capital. Go Nationals!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
DeAngelo Hall - He may be shitty and overrated in real life, but DeAngelo Hall is a stud in Madden. He has 97 speed and 96 acceleration, and is still only 25 years old, so you can use him for a few years before trading him. But first, trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
No one - This is kind of a let down seeing as it's the last team I'm previewing, but there is actually no one on this team with an interesting/funny/ridiculous enough name to make it onto Scotty's fantasy team, or yours if you draft like Scotty. For shame, Washington.