2009 NFL Preview: NFC North

Green Bay Packers
Record Last Year: 6-10
Record This Year: 13-3

Team Overview:
Last year was an interesting one for the Packers, beginning with Mr. Indecision retiring in the off-season after throwing his last pass in a Packers uniform to Corey Webster in the NFC Championship game. Unluckily for Green Bay, Webster plays for the Giants, who went on to win that game (and the Super Bowl, if you needed to be reminded). So Senor D-Bag cried and cried, and all the saps in Green Bay cried with him... until he wanted back in, when head coach Mike McCarthy had already committed to Aaron Rodgers as his starting quarterback. Assface eventually cried his way to the Jets, and the Packers finally began their season with modest expectations because it was Rodgers' first year as starter. Well it turned out that he was fine, but the defense was awful. This year will be different for the Pack, as Rodgers is joined by a finally healthy Ryan Grant and superstar wideout Greg Jennings. The defense should also be vastly inproved, with new defensive coordinator Dom Capers installing a 3-4 defense and bringing in personnel to work in it, such as first-round picks B.J. Raji (the future Gilbert Brown) and Clay Matthews. Green Bay can finally forget about The Traitor and move on with life with Aaron Rodgers putting up huge numbers... until of course he comes to Green Bay in a Vikings uniform.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
B.J. Raji - It always helps to have a big fattie in the middle of your defensive line who can not only stop the run but also take up blockers so you can rush the quarterback with your linebackers, and Raji fits the bill. He's only 23 years old so you can progress him for many years, and he has a 93 strength rating, which is useful for a guy on the line. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Atari Bigby - Cyril Obiozor is the obvious pick here, because what the hell kind of name is that? But it's tough to pass up a guy who's named after your first video game system. Just think of how many hours of joy that were brought to your childhood by your Atari system, and you can reminisce every time you see Mr. Bigby make a tackle.



Chicago Bears
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
Da Bears, whose identity is completely about a tough running game and a dominant defense, only had the first of those last year. Rookie running back Matt Forte started and was fantastic last year, despite the fact that Kyle Orton and Sexy Rexy Grossman were the quarterbacks and they had no receivers for them to throw the ball to. The defense, however, was another story. Brian Urlacher regressed and began to look old, perhaps because of injuries, the defensive line wasn't as good as it normally is, and the defensive backfield stopped making the big plays it had grown accustomed to making, also most likely because of injuries. Expect this year to be different. The Bears acquired Jay Cutler to be their franchise quarterback after he whined his way out of Denver, and as long as he makes better decisions and doesn't throw too many interceptions, it won't matter that their best receiver is a converted cornerback (Devin Hester). Urlacher is supposedly the healthiest he's been in a while, defensive tackle Tommie Harris should be back to full strength and all things are pointing to Mark Anderson remembering how to sack the quarterback, so things are lookin' up in the Windy City. Crack open a cold Old Style! Actually don't. It's disgusting.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Devin Hester - This is the easiest call I'll make in this entire NFL Preview. Get Devin Hester on your Madden team. He is a 99 speed and 98 acceleration, so line him up as your kick returner and take no less than 10 back for a touchdown every year. The Stud is a necessity for any successful franchise. I don't know why you're still reading this. Go get him! Actually wait... finish reading my boring dribble, then go and trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Will Ta'ufo'ou - I haven't given Scotty any Samoans recently, so I decided that this guy would be the right time to do so. His completely normal first name is perfectly contradicted with a nearly unpronouncable last name, almost like the way salt and sugar can complement each other perfectly when used right in a culinary treat. The allure of the 2 apostrophes in separate places in one name is something I can barely handle either. How remarkable!



Minnesota Vikings
Record Last Year: 10-6
Record This Year: 10-6

Team Overview:
Last year, the Vikings rode a very good defense and the best running back in football, Adrian Peterson, to a 10-6 record and the NFC North championship. They also did all of this with the pu pu platter of quarterbacks, Gus Frerotte and Tarvaris Jackson. Frerotte is best known for ramming his head into a wall and spraining his own neck while celebrating a touchdown against the Giants in 1997... in a game that ended in a 7-7 tie. Idiot. Jackson on the other hand is not best known for stupidly injuring himself, but merely just for sucking. So the Vikes went out and traded for career backup Sage Rosenfels to be there quarterback. Apparently that wasn't enough for them though, as Brad Childress began flirting like a school girl with the recently retired Gunslinger, who eventually decided he was going to stay retired for the year. But Childress couldn't help himself, and after Rosenfels and Jackson played well in their first preseason game, he went begging on hands and knees to Sir Shits-a-Lot to come back and save them, losing all of his credibility with his players in the process. Predictably the Ass Monkey came back, so now of course everyone is blowing their nuts over how amazing the Vikings are going to be. I say they'll finish with the exact same record, only finish in 3rd this year because the rest of the division, sans Lions, has gotten better. Too bad!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Percy Harvin - 97 speed and 98 acceleration for this 21 year old rookie wide receiver out of Florida make him quite the delightful addition to your Madden franchise. You can use him as a kick returner if you don't have Devin Hester (YOU'RE STUPID IF YOU DON'T), but mostly you can line him up at slot receiver and run go routes and out patterns all day long until the defense finally just gives up and concedes the game to you. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Husain Abdullah - This one was easy. A hallmark of Scotty's fantasy teams, if possible, is always a player named after an evil, murderous dictator, in this case Saddam Hussein. The poor guy never had a choice, and yet he is cursed for the rest of his life with the fact that anytime someone says his name they will think of genocide, torture and sweet mustaches. Awesome!



Detroit Lions
Record Last Year: 0-16
Record This Year: 2-14

Team Overview:
Things couldn't have gotten much worse for the Detroit Lions last year. The offense sucked. The defense sucked. The special teams sucked. They were the first team in NFL history to go 0-16. The city was burning down around them due to the economy. No fans came to the games, and those that did just booed the crap out of them. I'd say the season can be summed up with one play: when QB Dan Orlovsky took a snap with his back against his own endzone, rolled out - and stepped out of bounds without even realizing it, resulting in a safety. Talk about pathetic. But hark! There is hope! The worst GM in history, Matt Millen, was fired, and the savior of the franchise was drafted number 1 overall, quarterback Matthew Stafford out of Georgia. SHOCKER! IT WASN'T A WIDE RECEIVER! He will begin the year as the starting quarterback, and he can expect to get his ass beat on a regular basis, as the Lions still have a loooooong way to go back towards respectability. At least they won't go 0-16 this year again! I think... Sorry this overview was short Lions fan(s), but Jurassic Park is on and I'm too distracted.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Calvin Johnson - I guess I have to pick someone from this team just to give Detroit something to believe in, so I'll make it this beast of a wide receiver. In real life of course he is unbelievably good, perhaps only surpassed by Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald on the wide receiver totem poll, but he's a bit slow for my taste in Madden, with a 95 speed and 94 acceleration, though I don't use my #1 receivers too much anyway. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Gosder Cherilus - Because Scotty can never have enough offensive lineman, and because Gosder is a sweet name. To me, the name reminds me of a super redneck teenager who loves NASCAR, shoots squirrels with a bee-bee gun, has been chewing tobacco since he was 12, only has 6 teeth and loves wrasslin' with wild boars in his free time. Yeeeeeeee haw!