Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 11

The Super Bowl is coming to New Jersey!



That's right folks, Super Bowl XLVIII (or 48 for those of you unfamiliar with roman numerals) will be played in the great state of New Jersey, the greatest of all the states in this great country. Traditionally, the Super Bowl is played in either warm weather cities or in domed stadiums so that inclement weather is not an issue for the game. But this year, the NFL decided to do something bold, something groundbreaking, something historic. And when it came to making history, where did they come to? New Jersey. There really was only 1 choice when it came to picking the best place to host the first Super Bowl in a cold weather climate, and that place is the most incredible place anyone can think of - New Jersey. You will hear many people say that this Super Bowl is being hosted by New York City. That is fallacy. It is being hosted by New Jersey, the most extraordinary place in the USA.

A couple of quick notes on the stadium that will host Super Bowl XLVIII:

- It's called the New Giants Stadium.

Ok! Enough of the notes. Now, a lot of people (specifically those from warm weather climates or those whose bids were turned down in favor of New Jersey) are bitching and moaning about how the Super Bowl is going to be played in the cold weather. It's gonna be too cold! It's gonna be too snowy! Waaaahhhhhhhh!!!! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! STOP CRYING. It's not going to be played in cold weather. It's going to be played in manly weather. So take out your tampon, remove the skirt, and get ready for the championship of football to be played in the weather that the game was meant to be played in, pussies.

So now that a cold weather site has gotten the Super Bowl, all the other cold weather cities with no domes on their stadiums are coming out of the woodwork and saying they should get the Super Bowl too. Let me name you those places and tell you why they should never get the game that is only reserved for the most elite plot of land in this world, New Jersey:

Green Bay - Shit no! Where are people going to stay? The neighborhood homes that surround the stadium. Idiots.

Cincinnati - Why the hell would you want to go to Cincinnati?

Washington - That shitty sports city? I don't think so. The Capitals are you're only good team, and they choke every year. You have to win every once in a while to get the Super Bowl.

New England - The Nation deserves nothing. Sorry.

Denver - They'd talk about the elevation about as much as they talk about Bert Farvee right now. I don't think so.

Cleveland - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sorry, that was funny.

Pittsburgh - All the offensive lineman would gorge themselves on Primanti Bros. and die from cardiac arrest within 16 minutes of arriving. No go.

Baltimore - You've seen The Wire right?

Seattle - The 12th Man doesn't have nearly the influence to pull this off.

Buffalo - The Super Bowl should NEVER be in Canada, so sorry Buffalo.

Philadelphia - Why would you host the country's most important sporting event in the country's shittiest city?

So you see why the NFL would come to New Jersey to host it's most important event? Everywhere else sucks, and New Jersey is the most amazing place you could possibly be in life. It's not just the best cold weather place for the Super Bowl, it's the best place, period. It's going to be funny when Roger Goodell decides to host the Super Bowl in New Jersey every year once he sees how incredible it's going to be in 2014. Good, nay, great decision NFL owners. You won't be sorry. No one is ever sorry when they come to the most unbelievably awesome place in the world, New Jersey.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 10

Our Citizens are Ambitious and Goal-Oriented

Many people come to America because this is a land where dreams come true. It's a land of opportunity. If you want something, you go out and you make it happen. Hard work pays off. Dreams come true.

A microcosm of this American spirit is the great state of New Jersey, the greatest of all the states here is this great country. Truth be told, the "Land of Opportunity" actually began here in New Jersey, then grew to the rest of the country when everyone else found it to be so awesome. The citizens of this wonderful state are an ambitious lot. We set goals, and we achieve them. There is no mountain too high, nor bridges too far. It is all within your reach here in the most incredible piece of land in this country.

Take for instance this go-getter from our great state that I learned about in one of the most reputable and scrupulous publications in the US, the New York Post. (be sure to come back after reading the link. I have no idea how to program the link to open in a different window).

Talk about goals! Talk about ambition! This woman is going up against history, and who dares to doubt her? There can only be 1 fattest woman in the world, and Donna Simpson is going to be that woman, because if a person from New Jersey sets a lofty target such as this one, they always hit that target. You think a woman from Ohio could do this? California? Kentucky? Please. Serious dreamers only need apply. And you'll only find an ambitious hero like this in the great state of New Jersey.

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Thought for Food - Donna Simpson, Le Whif & Cat Litter
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As you can see, this has garnered so much attention that the most well-respected and integrity-filled journalist of our time, Stephen Colbert, decided to feature it on his nightly news program this past Tuesday night. (You may have noticed a loud "WHOOP" at the very beginning when he said New Jersey for the first time - yep. That was me in the crowd.) Now, he only decided to feature this woman because he knew she could attain her lofty goal because she's from New Jersey. If Donna was from Pennsylvania, Colbert wouldn't have even sniffed this story, because he knows that only the women of the fine state of New Jersey have the gumption and the intestinal fortitude - not to mention capacity - to strive for such greatness.

You will also see in the video that she has been receiving food gifts from people around the country so that she may achieve her goal more quickly. Donna, please heed the following warning from a fellow New Jerseyan: BEWARE OF GIFTS SENT TO YOU FROM PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF NEW JERSEY. They are only jealous of your zeal for greatness because they are unable to muster up the determination to achieve such greatness on their own. If I were you, I would only trust gifts from the great people of the great state of New Jersey. We are your friends. We will help you to become a legend.

Keep up the great work, Donna. New Jersey stands behind you. Well, next to you if we want to see anything in front of us... you get the idea though.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 9

White Mana Diner

Amidst the chaos that is Route 1&9 in Jersey City, there lies an oasis of delicious and affordable fare at its intersection with Manhattan Ave.: The White Mana Diner. White Mana has been around since the 1939 World's Fair, where it was declared to have to world's best cheeseburger. I think we all can agree that it's no surprise that the finest burger this planet has ever seen comes from the great state of New Jersey.

The tradition of phenomenally succulent burgers has continued through the years to the present day, even managing to overcome a moment in time when this mecca of greatness was almost taken from us. In 1996, owner Mario Costa, Jr. decided to sell the lot that White Mana is on for $500,000 (can you really put a price on the lifeblood of the community?), but after making the deal with a couple of guys who planned on turning it into a Dunkin Donuts, he realized the error of his ways. After fighting tooth and nail in court to undo the deal he made, the guys who bought it from him eventually sold it back to him. A New Jersey landmark (it was declared a landmark by the Jersey City Historic Preservation Committee in 1997) was saved, and to this day it prospers in serving its customers only the highest quality, hand-crafted cheeseburgers.

When you enter this castle of superiority, you are greeted by a friendly, often toothless, smile (people lose their teeth by being nice... it's science). Unless you're there for the breathtaking breakfast sandwiches, the eggs of which are cracked open on the forehead of the cook that has been hardened by years of experience, it's not a matter of if you're getting cheeseburgers, but rather how many. Picture your standard-issue White Castle slider - the White Mana burger is a tad bigger, yet better in every way. After placing your order, a spectacle with the all the majesty of a David Copperfield performance begins.



Upon learning that you and your 2 friends want 40 cheeseburgers, the cook, nay - Grill Virtuoso, divvies up the meat on the grill while lining up the buns on the edge. The meat is then carefully, yet quickly, grilled, during which a plethora of onions are infused into the patty - an overlooked, yet crucial step in the process. After the grilling is complete, cheese produced from the milk of only the world's finest cows is carefully placed on each burger. Cheese melted, it is finally time to finish the construction of his masterpiece. One-by-one the burgers are placed on their buns and wrapped into their individual papers, which, as you would expect, come from the most majestic Redwood trees the world over. After thanking the chef for his labor-of-love, you proceed to your car (assuming you took the order to-go; you can eat-in as well), which only makes you more excited for the feast that lie ahead as the aroma of these culinary jewels fills your car and intoxicates you.

When you finally arrive home after sitting in that wonderful hotbox of White Mana scent, you feverishly unwrap the burgers and chow down, each delectable bite exploding with flavor in your mouth (and yes, I mean that in the most sexual way possible). The burger, the cheese, the onions, the incredible amount of grease running down your arms - they all combine to form one of this world's most extraordinary eating experiences. Gallen de Robuchon stopped by and sampled one of these treasures... and was rendered speechless by how amazing they were, which is incredible, because the Chef of the Century is NEVER speechless. And like I said before, it's not a coincidence that burgers of this magnitude come from the greatest state in the union, New Jersey. The best burger, from the best state. Ladies and gentlemen, make the pilgrimage.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 8

Zeppelin Hall Biergarten

Biergarten is a German word, which translated into English means Beer Garden. Duh... or does it? Perhaps biergarten translated into English is "a tiny slice of heaven," because that's precisely what it is. A Beer Garden is a wide-open area, usually outdoors, with a plethora of long, wooden tables and benches for people to sit at. Then there are numerous large bars for said people to acquire delicious beverages from, and by delicious beverages, I of course mean beer. Lots and lots of beer. More beer than you can dream of. And it's good beer. They're not pouring Milwaukee's Best at the Beer Garden. There's also food at these establishments to help soak up the massive amounts of beer you're depositing into your stomach.

To go to one of these meccas of drinking, you used to have to go to Germany. Oktoberfest is an event we're all familiar with, and the purpose of the Beer Garden is to emulate the feelings and tradition of Oktoberfest all year long. We'll call it Awesomefest. Sorry, bad joke. Anyway, going to Germany was inconvenient and a hassle, so some genius in Queens put one in Astoria, called the Bohemian Hall and Beer Garden, which was great, and a lot of fun, but not terribly convenient for those of us in the great state of New Jersey. Then, for whatever reason, another Beer Garden was built in Queens, called Studio Square. But that is a Beer Garden fraud, as they have a full bar and serve bullshit froofy drinks. No thank you. Finally though, God himself shined down upon us and commanded a great man to build a Beer Garden in the greatest state in the union, New Jersey. It has been done, and now in wonderful Jersey City there is the Zeppelin Hall Biergarten, the greatest Beer Garden in the greatest state.



These are the things that make New Jersey's biergarten the best biergarten:

Beer
There is more beer here than you can shake a stick at, and believe me, you can shake a stick at A LOT of beer. They've got everything from wheat beers to stouts, and all kinds in between. My favorite lately has been the Spaten Oktoberfest, which I get in the gigantic 1 liter mug. The 1 liter mug is great because you have to go to the bar less, which means less walking and less effort, which always leads to more beer consumption, which then results in this:



Food
All kinds of sweet grub is available here, from the burgers and wings, to the schnitzels, to the main attractions - the brats and sausages. There are few things in this world greater than being handed a big plate of brats from a chesty German lady to go along with your huge mug of beer. Mmmmmmmm.

Weather-Proof Fun Times
Yes, the main attraction (aside from beer) of a Beer Garden is that it is outside, so you can chill in the fresh air with your homies and throw down a couple large ones. But what if it's raining or snowing and you still have a hankerin' for some big beers and schnitzel? They have a huge indoor section here as well! Problem solved.

No Annoying Music
Often if you go to a bar to have a few drinks with some friends, you have to yell and scream at each other to be able to hear over the insanely loud jukebox playing the newest Lady Gaga jam. Not here, however. When there are bands, they are often awesome, which their German themed costumes and music. Or they're playing the audio from whatever sporting event is being shone on the gigantic projector screens and TVs. No yelling necessary here.

So really if you think about it, the Jersey City Beer Garden is the perfect place to go. Beer? Check. Food? Check. Sweet bands or sports? Check. Friends? Check (unless you go alone, loser). And, as if you needed even more incentive to go, Oktoberfest is going on there starting this Friday, the 18th, all the way through Sunday the 27th. So come on down to the greatest biergarten in the US, in the greatest state in the US, and chug and huge beer while stuffing sausage down your throat. You won't regret it.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 7

Eli Manning Lives Here

In light of Eli recently signing a contract extension that makes him the highest paid player in the NFL, I thought it appropriate to expand upon the fact that one of the best quarterbacks in the league makes his home in the great state of New Jersey, more specifically, in Hoboken. One would think that Eli would want to live in Manhattan since he is the quarterback of one of the most high-profile teams in the league, and therefore can afford the various overpriced luxuries that New York City has to offer. But no, not a down to earth gentleman like Mr. Manning. Classy men like him choose New Jersey over New York City every time.

Eli and the Giants agreed to a 6 year contract extension worth $97.5 million ($35 million guaranteed) that if you add to the one year left for $9.4 million he has on his current contract, means he'll be around for at least 7 more years for a total of $106.4 million. Sweet Jesus that is a lot of cash. Is Eli Manning deserving of this kind of payday? Let's explore.

Eli took over for Kurt Warner during the his rookie season of 2004 and experienced some severe growing pains, which included his fabled 0.0 QB Rating performance against the Baltimore Ravens that I thankfully was in London for. Had I been here in the States and had my own personal belongings to destroy, it's safe to say that my TV would have ended up out the window, my right hand would have been broken in 6 places, and I would have significantly less friends. But none of that happened so yay! Anyway, 2005 was Eli's first year as the full-time starter, and it was largely a success despite his usual inconsistency. He finished in the top 5 in the league in passing yards and touchdowns while leading the Giants to the NFC East title with an 11-5 record. They were then destroyed in the first round of the playoffs by the Carolina Panthers, 23-0, in a game most remembered by Tiki Barber's postgame tirade about not getting the ball enough. That remains one of only 2 Giants games in my ENTIRE LIFE that I turned off before it was over. The only other is Super Bowl XXXV where we were embarrassed by Baltimore. I never wore my Ike Hilliard jersey again after that one (tear). 2006 was a lot like 2005, with Eli being inconsistent but still putting up decent numbers. The Giants started the year 6-2, only to fade down the stretch and eventually lose to the Shitadelphia Eagles in the first round of the playoffs on a last-second field goal. God I hate the Eagles.

And then came 2007. Ahhh, 2007. The year started like 2006 did, with the Giants racing out to a 6-2 start (and by racing, I mean they were the worst team in history the first 2 games, then won 6 in a row. Suffice it enough to say that I was pooping myself during our 0-2 start). Eli was playing great and the defense was dominant. Then came the inevitable second half slide that began with a bad loss to the Cowboys that I blame on those ridiculous red jerseys we break out every once in a while. They are AWFUL. After that game Giants owner John Mara publicly questioned whether or not the Giants could win with Eli at the helm. He didn't answer that question very well, as two weeks later he threw 4 interceptions, 3 of which were returned for touchdowns, in a 41-17 loss to the Vikings. Eli also set a record for most incompletions in a game during a loss to the Redskins in week 15. They were not the most inspiring performances, and they led to a public outcry for Eli's head. Despite all this, the Giants won in Buffalo in week 16 to secure a spot in the playoffs, then played their best game of the year in week 17 against the undefeated Patriots, where Eli matched Tom Brady score for score until they finally lost at the very end. It was a good sign for the playoffs, and gave all us Giants fans hope that another first round exit may not have been in the cards.

The playoffs began with a convincing win at Tampa Bay, then continued with a great win against Tony Homo and the Cowboys in Dallas, after which Terrell Owens memorably cried during his press conference and I laughed extremely hard. Eli played great in both games; the throw he made on an out pattern to Kevin Boss as the first half was winding down in the Cowboys game was one of the most beautiful throws you will ever see a quarterback make, perfectly weighted with just the right amount of touch to get over 3 Cowboy defenders and settle into Boss' hands as he tiptoed along the sideline. Then came the NFC Championship game in Green Bay, where it was -2 degrees outside with a wind chill of -23, the third coldest game in NFL history. These were the types of conditions where Brett Favre normally thrived, while Eli normally was terrible. This, however, was not the case on this day, as Eli, with the help of a dominant Plaxico Burress, outplayed Favre in every way, leading the Giants to Super Bowl XLII after Lawrence Tynes hit his third attempt at a game winner in overtime (do we really have 4 more years of Lawrence Tynes? Crap). Now it was on to Glendale, Arizona for a rematch with the now 18-0 New England Patriots.

Super Bowl XLII was a defensive struggle until the 4th quarter, which began with the score 7-3 Patriots. Eli began the quarter by hitting Kevin Boss over the middle for a 45 yard catch and run. The drive ended with Eli hitting David Tyree for a touchdown on a beautiful play-action pass to make it 10-7 Giants. New England eventually responded to go up 14-10 with 2 and a half minutes left, at which time Eli walked on to the field for one final drive, to either become the most unlikely of Super Bowl Champions, or to go home second best. The Giants made their way to their own 44 yard line for a 3rd down and 5 with 1:15 left on the clock, when the following play happened that you may recall:



(Hold on one moment while Steve collects himself)

...

There we go. It was the greatest play in Super Bowl history, and it was the kind of play that big-time players make when their team needs it the most. Eli Manning made that play, miraculously escaping from the clutches of the Patriot defense and heaving a pass downfield that David Tyree improbably caught on his helmet, himself instantly becoming a hero. Manning would hit Plaxico Burress for the game-winning touchdown a few plays later, and the New York Giants were Super Bowl XLII Champions, beating the previously unbeatable Patriots. It was the greatest moment of my life, and led to me emptying my entire bank account and going completely broke on Giants Super Bowl memorabilia. Trust me when I say I would gladly do it again.



In 2008, the Giants began the year an incredible 11-1, with the defense again dominant and Eli seemingly taking the next step towards becoming an elite quarterback. That was, of course, until Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh, thereby ruining the Giants season, not to mention his own career. IDIOT. We eventually would lose to the Eagles again in the first round of the playoffs.

So now that we've made our way to the present time where Eli has received this exorbitant contract extension, I'm going to break out the Eli Manning Face Rating System to grade his career up to this point. Remember I introduced this rating system in my last entry, but was unable to use any faces because Megan Wants a Millionaire was so atrocious. So here it is, the first ever Eli Manning Face Rating System that will actually show the Faces, appropriately grading Eli Manning himself:



There you have it. 4 out of 5 Eli Manning Faces for Eli Manning. I didn't give him that last face for a perfect grade because he has yet to reach the point where he is consistently excellent. But don't think this is a bad grade. 4 Faces is a great grade, one he deserves due to leading my Giants to the most improbable Super Bowl Championship ever by driving them down the field in the last moments of the game under the most immense amount of pressure. And that is the exact moment where Eli excels: when the game is on the line and the pressure is at it's greatest. In his brief career he has shown that when the chips are down, he is going to get the job done and lead his team to victory, and this is why I believe he deserves the contract he has been given. I look forward to many more years of greatness, and hopefully a few more Super Bowl Championships, from Eli Manning, the great quarterback who lives in the great state of New Jersey.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 6

Even the Criminals are Nice People

My good friend Kevo, who has a blog of his own that you should visit, passed along a very interesting article to me today. Allow me to share it with you.

From the Associated Press:

"NJ police say burglar returned to apologize"

RAHWAY, N.J. – Police in central New Jersey said they arrested a man for burglary after he returned to the victim's house in Rahway to apologize. Police arrested 35-year-old Craig Fletcher of Elizabeth on Wednesday shortly after the homeowner told them a man had just rung his doorbell, apologized for the break-in and ran off on foot.

The homeowner said he interrupted the June 29 burglary. He chased the burglar, who had stuffed three laptops and an Xbox game console into a backpack. The intruder threw the bag down and got away.

Fletcher was also charged with a second burglary in the same neighborhood.

He was taken to the Union County Jail in lieu of $60,000 bail. Police did not know if he had retained a lawyer.

First off, let me say that I had to re-type this article because there was a grammar mistake in it that was bugging the crap out of me. But because of this, you may think I have made it up, so here is the article so you have proof that this is real.

Second, I think this shows the true spirit of a man from New Jersey. Everyone makes mistakes. I think we can all admit that. This man obviously made one, and will pay the price for it. But to be able to walk back to the house of the person you have wronged and own up to your mistake - that takes a real man, the kind of man that only comes from New Jersey. So even though the guy is a complete idiot and will most likely spend time in jail, it's good to know that deep down inside that soul of his is a kind human being, the kind you would want your daughter to marry. Of course, if you have a daughter, you should consider yourself lucky if she marries a man from New Jersey.

35 year old Craig Fletcher of Elizabeth, your act of remorse will be admired state-wide, and your fellow New Jerseyans salute you.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 5

Air Conditioning

Yes, I know, it's all over the place. Your work is air conditioned. Your school is air conditioned. Your home is air conditioned. Most likely wherever you're standing or sitting right now is air conditioned, unless you're in a third world country of course. But guess what? If it weren't for the great state of New Jersey, you would be sweating your cojones off right now, because air conditioning was invented by a great man who was born and bred in this amazing state. It's yet another reason why you should be bowing at the feet of the absolute greatest state in the union.

Willis Haviland Carrier of Essex Fells, NJ invented the first air conditioning unit in 1902 when he installed a spray system that cooled air temperatures in a friend's printing press building. In 1915, Carrier started the Carrier Engineering Company in Newark, NJ. It was there that he developed the centrifugal refrigeration machine, which was the first of its kind that was designed to cool large areas. Carrier was a true pioneer, and it comes as no surprise that he is from New Jersey, the state synonymous with innovation, and of course, awesomeness.

Think about it for a second. No other invention has been more important in aiding you in your pursuit of comfort during the hot summer months in the history of this planet. So let's examine your other options, and find out where they fall short:

Windows

Windows were a great idea in theory. Is it too hot or stuffy in the room you're in right now? Open your window and let some air in. But wait, there's nothing but hot air outside. How is this going to help? If there's no breeze outside, there's no comfort inside. Do yourself a favor and turn on that New Jersey-invented AC.

Refrigerators

Refrigerators are for food and beverage, fool. Please step out of the fridge and replace the shelves you removed so you could fit in. And go turn on your AC.

Ceiling Fans

Ceiling fans were another good idea, again, in theory. When the room or area you're in is getting way too hot, just turn on the ceiling fan and let it move around the air, therefore creating a certain level of coolness. But what if the air the fan is moving around is already way too hot? It's only going to remain hot the the room, just now the hot air is flowing around you as opposed to sitting on you. Why don't you go turn that AC on and really chill out?

Traditional Fans

Same principal as the ceiling fan. Same result as the ceiling fan. Get that AC on, and then your fan can move some actual cool air around your room.

Water-Spritzing Bottles

I am of course talking about those little plastic bottles that have the Windex tip-like top that you can squirt cold water out of onto yourself. They either come with a small fan that effectively turns the spray into a nice mist, or they come traditionally without the fan. Now, if the water is cold, then yes, it will cool you off. But then what? Now your face and clothing are soaking wet. Oh what is that? You don't have a towel or napkin to dry yourself off with? That's just too bad. The AC is over there, go turn it on. Then go dry your face.

Large, Sturdy Paper, Like a Brochure or Something

The brochure, pamphlet or folder-like object I am referring to of course does not cool you on its own. No, it takes actual effort on your part to do its job. What you have to do is pick up the brochure, then wave it back and forth near your face over and over again until you feel the breeze. However, it only cools your face, not the rest of your body, plus it makes your arm really tired. Research by leading Harvard scientists has shown that a tired arm leads to many different kinds of discomfort, not least of which is sweating, which is the very condition you were trying to prevent in the first place. So put down that brochure, and use your arm to reach over to the AC and turn it on.

Getting Naked

Sure, taking off all of your clothes makes you cooler because clearly, the amount of layers you're wearing is directly involved with your coolness quotient. The big problem here is that you ultimately run out of clothes to take off. So if you run out of clothing to remove, and you're still hot, you're screwed, because unless you know something I don't, you cannot remove your skin. Here's a tip then: put your clothes back on and blast the AC.

In conclusion, it is beyond a shadow of a doubt that air conditioning is the most important, and culturally significant, invention this world has ever seen when it comes to being comfortable during the summer. As you read above, there is nothing else you can do or any other object you can use that will cool you down  like good ol' AC. And you of course have a man that hails from the most amazing state in these United States, New Jersey, to thank for it. Willis Carrier, you are a great man, and every day man thanks you for your gift to this world. We salute you.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 4

Avalon, NJ

The fact that Avalon is a part of the world-famous Jersey Shore should be enough of an explanation as to why it is so awesome. You, me, your mom and everyone else know that the Jersey Shore cannot be topped, just like everything else in New Jersey of course. But I'm not here to only write two sentences. I'm here to waste much more of your time than that, and give you a little look into why Avalon, NJ is such an awesome town.

Avalon, NJ is like a melting pot of all the great things that make up the different towns of the Jersey Shore. Are you in the mood for the many culinary delights that make New Jersey so awesome? Start working up your appetite. Do you want to hit the bars and spend your beach weekend three sheets to the wind while making bad decisions? Go for it. Would you rather instead find a quiet spot on the beach to relax away from the drunk kids and senior citizens? Yep, do that too. How about heading to the beach to work on your tan? "Steve, I can do that anywhere, not just in Avalon, NJ" you might be saying right now. Well loyal reader, that's where you're wrong. In Avalon, skin cancer is not possible. Therefore, you don't have to wear sunblock. Ever. And you get a sweet tan, or in my case the lobster burn. It's a fact. Look it up.

I could go on forever talking about the many different things you can do in Avalon that are totally awesome and unique to the town. But I'll keep it brief and give you a little list here, with photographic support, of some of the things in Avalon that are better than places like them anywhere else in the world.

Circle Pizza

Home of the best buffalo chicken pizza in the world. Take what you know about buff chix pizza and throw it out the window. This will change your life, at least twice a day if I have my way.

Jack's

A bar that plays host to the best cover bands in America. You want 80's? You got it. 90's? You got that too. The songs they play are better than the famous artists that originally performed them. Pure, unadulterated art.

Pirate Island Golf

Designed by Jack Nicklaus himself, this miniature golf course is rated as the most challenging course in the world, but also rated as the most fun. You can swashbuckle your way through 18 holes of unmitigated glory and ecstasy, but be ready for a challenge.

Avalon Freeze

World-famous ice cream shop, and home to the world-famous "Avalon Freezer," which is like a Dairy Queen Blizzard on steroids. Legal steroids, of course. Eating a freezer is like winning the lottery of ice cream. Only you can win this lottery as many times a day as you want. You're rich with ice cream and toppings!

The Real Enchilada

The locals pronounce the "Real" in the name like you would in Real Madrid the soccer team, but you don't have to be from Avalon to enjoy this delicious, authentic Mexican cuisine. The food here is so good, that ever since the day it opened, record amounts of illegal immigrants have been pouring into the US from Mexico just so they can get a taste of the best Mexican food on the planet. They call it, "La comida mas grande del mundo!"

The Shipwreck Sundae

Yep, more world-renowned ice cream. The Shipwreck Sundae, served daily at the Buccaneer Ice Cream Parlor in Avalon, is a testament, and tribute, to the awesomest of the 7 deadly sins, gluttony. 12 scoops of ice cream and every topping in the store, all perfectly presented in authentic pirate hats stolen right off the heads of Blackbeard's crew during the Great Avalon Pirate Purge of 1761. Think you can conquer the Shipwreck? Better bring your friends...

Bobby Dee's Rock 'N Chair

In the mood for a little late night cougar hunting? Well the Rock N' Chair is just the place for you, as the horniest cougars in the world are here and on the prowl, waiting to be tamed by 20-something men everywhere. Are you a girl and feeling left out here because you don't hunt cougars? Fear not! Mountain lions roam these plains as well, so saddle up and get ready for a feast!

So as you can see, Avalon, NJ does many things better than any other place in the world does those things. The buffalo chicken pizza is better, the ice cream is sweeter, the cougars are crazier... Avalon is, in a word, awesome. More awesome than wherever you are at this very moment. That is, unless you are in Avalon right now. And if you are, what are you reading this for?! Go out and begin your day of euphoria!

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 3

Rick (last name deleted) Lives in NJ

My dear friend Rick, who lives in New Jersey, just recently had his bachelor party. He is a great man, and clearly, great men can only live in the greatest of all the states, New Jersey. For the bachelor party, we went to a few places in NYC (it was planned by a guy from Queens, clearly he didn't know what he was doing), but naturally, we were whisked about through the city in a limobus from - you guessed it, New Jersey.

So now, in honor of this great man from the great state of New Jersey, I present you with a few facts that sum up the kind of man Rick is. Remember while you read this: everything that is written below is 100% factual, and is certified by the Library of Congress (which is considering a relocation to New Jersey - bet you didn't know that).

When Rick gets out of his car, angels come down from heaven and lay out a red carpet for him from the car to his destination.

When Rick crosses major bridges and tunnels while driving, such as the Holland Tunnel or the George Washington Bridge, the EZ-Pass computer doesn't say "Toll Paid," it says "You're money is not good here Rick. Thank you for being you."

When Rick is driving on the Pulaski Skyway and other poor-conditioned streets, the pot holes magically close up for him before he drives over them.

Rick could re-grow hair whenever he pleases, however, he chooses to stay bald because it is his signature look. No one is bald like Rick is bald.

Strippers beg Rick to take his clothes off and dance seductively so they can watch.

Rick has been to 73 New York Yankees baseball games in his life. During those games, the Yankees are 73-0.

When people step on a Wii Fit board for the first time in their lives, it makes their characters fatter, skinnier, shorter, etc. depending on what they really look like. When Rick stepped on the Wii Fit board for the first time, the screen went blank and a phrase popped up that read, "You're perfect."

People with perfect vision see the world with 20/15 or 20/10 eyesight. Rick sees the world in 1080p HD resolution.

Rick once walked through a Crips neighborhood in Los Angeles wearing a red shirt. They left him alone, and then decided to offer him their women.

Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds took steroids because they wanted to be as strong as Rick, not because they wanted to play baseball better.

You know how when you go to a Chinese restaurant, they have 2 menus: 1 for American Chinese food and 1 for the authentic Chinese food? When Rick goes to Chinese restaurants, they hand him the Rick-only menu.

Both GM and Chrysler tried to enlist Rick's help, even before they called President Obama, in an effort to try and avoid claiming bankruptcy. However, he decided he was too busy and had better things to do.

Rick was scheduled to be on the original "Bachelor" back before he met his fiancee, however, when the network began taking applications, all of the servers crashed due to the high volume of inquiries. It turned out that 4.5 billion people all around the world applied; all 3.5 billion women on the planet, and 1 billion men, both straight and gay. The show never entered production due to the problems the network had.

Rick was once bitten by the world's most venomous snake, the Taipan, while hiking in the deserts of Australia. The snake died minutes later.

Rick was once a cameraman for the show, "Deadliest Catch." It bored him and he decided to pursue other career opportunities.

And finally...

Rick's goatee is the most perfectly groomed piece of facial hair this world has ever seen. Upon happening across Rick's goatee, God Himself asked Rick for tips on beard trimming, which Rick happily shared with him because he is so nice.

There you have it. 100% correct facts about the greatest of all great men, Rick, who lives in the greatest of all great states, New Jersey. Not surprisingly, this is but a sampling of how great Rick is. I could go on forever. If you have any 100% true facts about Rick that you would like to share, please submit them. If I can certify that they are factual, I will post them at a later date so people can gain further insight into the greatness that is Rick.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 2

The Statue of Liberty

"Steve, isn't the Statue of Liberty in New York? Why would you say that the Statue of Liberty is reason number 2 as to why New Jersey is so awesome?" Well, I'm glad you asked! The reason the Statue of Liberty is the second reason as to why New Jersey is awesome, is because it is in New Jersey! That's right. The Statue of Liberty, the most enduring and iconic symbol of the values and freedoms associated with the United States of America, is in New Jersey. The greatest statue is in the greatest state.

Now I know some of you are crying softly to yourselves, especially those of you in New York, because you thought the Statue was, in fact, in New York. And it's understandable as to why you would think this. It's on NYC t-shirts. It's on NYC post cards. It's on NYC license plates. But alas, it's not on NYC territory. Let me hit you with some facts to back this up:

1) The Statue of Liberty sits on the New Jersey side of the legally designated line that separates New York and New Jersey on the Hudson River.

2) Liberty Island, where the Statue stands, is a mere 2,000 feet from Jersey City. It is over 2 miles from New York City. Proximity! BOOM!

3) The easiest way to get to Liberty Island to check out the sights? Liberty State Park, of course. Where is Liberty State Park? Yep, NEW JERSEY.

4) The official title of the Statue of Liberty is "Liberty Enlightening the World." What would you technically enlighten the world with? A light bulb. Where was the light bulb invented? You got it, NEW JERSEY!

So there you have it: concrete, hard evidence that backs up the fact that the Statue of Liberty is in the great state of New Jersey, not in New York City. And trust me, I've got millions of more facts where those came from. That was merely a sampling. Now, every time you think of the Statue and everything it represents: freedom, liberty, new beginnings, you can also think about how it is located in the greatest state in the union, New Jersey!

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 1

It's Not Pennsylvania

Let's face it. There are few worse places you could imagine being than Pennsylvania, or as I like to refer to it as, Pennsyltucky. I'm around quite a significant amount of people right now, and I'm going to take a quick poll. Feel free to join in as well.

Who here wants to live in Pennsylvania?

(crickets, and of course, no hands)

Who here wants to live in New Jersey?

(massive celebration ensues, people are making-out all over the place! I count roughly 87 hands, but the hysteria makes it a bit difficult to be accurate. And yes, I'm that popular that there are roughly 87 people around me at all times)

So as you can see by my highly scientific poll, EVERYONE would rather live in New Jersey over Pennsylvania. Yeah I know, not a shocker.

But let's be fair to the fine (?) people of Pennsyltucky. Let's see what they have to offer us, and whether or not it can actually match up to what New Jersey has to offer:

2 major cities, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia:

Hooray for PA! They have 2 major cities! Oh right, they both SUCK. We'll begin with Pittsburgh. First off, unless you travel to some far-out suburb, everything in Pittsburgh closes at 11:00 PM. "So only the restaurants and shops close at 11:00 PM?" you may ask me. And I will answer, "No, EVERYTHING closes at 11:00 PM!" Do you want to grab a beer downtown after 11:00 PM after a hard day's work? Too bad! You can't. You want to get some grub after 11:00 PM because you missed dinner due to extenuating circumstances? Too bad. You can't. Also, Pittsburgh's official beer is Iron City. Yeah, that sucks too. The only good thing about Pittsburgh is the sandwiches from Primanti Bros. that have french fries all over them. Sounds like awesome drunk food right? Well, only if you're 3 sheets to the wind by 10:30. Idiots. You want to party all night long, perhaps until the break of dawn? Come on over to Jersey.

And Philly. Ooooo Philly. I feel like I only need to say three things about Philly to make my point. 1) It was the original capital of the United States, only it was so awful, they moved it to Washington, DC, which isn't exactly a mecca of awesomeness. 2) My girlfriend, whose family is from Philly, made me a custom t-shirt that reads, "Philadelphia Eats Asshole." 'Nuff said. 3) Philly sports fans are the worst in the world, even worse than those obnoxious idiots up in Boston. I hated Michael Irvin just as much as the next guy, but booing the dude as he lay on the turf, potentially paralyzed? Real high class. And BOOING SANTA CLAUSE!???! IT'S SANTA CLAUSE!!! Santa, come on over to Jersey if you want some love, there's plenty to go around. But people of Philadelphia, please do not come to Jersey. Ever. You've already ruined Camden, a once bustling metropolis that has slowly decayed into Philadelphia, Jr. thanks to you guys.

Cheesesteaks:

I've had better Cheesesteaks at the Jersey Shore. And everywhere else in Jersey. Get over yourselves.

PA's State Animal, the White-Tailed Deer:

Oh, do you mean the animal that thinks it's smart to jump in front of cars, cause accidents, and kill people? Hmmmm. New Jersey's state animal is the horse. That's right, a beautiful, graceful creature that chooses not to kill people, only to live peacefully and in harmony with man.

... and that's it. There's nothing else. New Jersey is better in every way than Pennsylvania. All of the roughly 87 people around me agree. They're STILL making-out in celebration.