A solution for you smelly people out there

When your armpits stink, you usually put on deodorant, and when your feet stink, you usually use some sort of foot spray or shoe insert that smells nice and pretty. But what if your crotch stinks? How about your boobs? Do they stink? I don't think you can rub deodorant on your chest, nor spray your balls with foot spray. So what are you to do in these circumstances? Well, I have just the solution for you!



So remember, the next time you have thick green smoke pouring out of your ass while your fellow plumber is sniffing your butt crack, just spray your worries away with Aspray!

A-Rod Mystery Solved!

Yesterday, on our way back from Rick (last name deleted) and Corie's wedding in beautiful Ithaca, NY, we decided to stop for dinner at a Red Robin in Northampton, PA. None of us in the car had been to one in a while, but we all remembered how tasty their burgers are, so the decision on where to stop was easy. So when we arrived, we got out of the car and walked up to the restaurant only to see this on the front door:



Alex Rodriguez, 3rd baseman for the New York Yankees, is the Kitchen Manager at a Red Robin? And in Pennsylvania of all places? No wonder why he can't hit in the clutch! Millions of Yankees fans all over the country have been searching far and wide for the answer as to why A-Rod is one of the worst clutch performers you will ever see, and now we finally know: It's because whenever he comes up to the plate in an important situation, he's worrying about whether or not his staff at the Red Robin is crafting fare that lives up to the lofty standards of Red Robins everywhere, and not the game situation he's currently in!

You thought you could hide your other life from us Alex!? Well guess what? YOU WERE WRONG. I AM ON TO YOU. You better quit now before everyone finds out about this and you come under more scrutiny than you already are. It's game over for you, my friend.

WHAT THE HELL ROGER GOODELL???

For as long as I can remember, the NFL Draft has been one of my favorite weekends of the year. As soon as the Super Bowl ends and the football season is officially over, I immediately begin looking forward to the draft. For some reason, a reason I can't really explain to you, I love to just sit there for an entire weekend and watch the commissioner read off people's names. Yes, it is ridiculously boring, in theory. But I find it incredibly exciting, especially when it comes to who my beloved New York Giants are going to pick. I'll even sit there throughout the 7th round, when the teams are picking players I've never heard of and who probably won't make their respective team's rosters, unless of course their name is Ahmad Bradshaw or Michael Johnson. CHYEAH.

Because of my love for the draft, I've always made some sort of an event with it. First and foremost, I do this so that my calendar is taken up for that weekend and I don't commit to any sort of other activity. Second, once it is established that I will be watching the draft and doing nothing else, my friends know not to bother me, unless of course they are taking part in the festivities. In college, my friend Holly (a Jets fan... yeah I know, I feel sorry for her too) and I used to watch the draft together every year, ordering DP Dough or Wings Over Ithaca and basking in the glory that is this very special weekend. Since college has ended, Rory, Scott and I have started a new tradition: The Annual NFL Draft/White Castle Extravaganza. What happens is we purchase many cases of cheap beer, and we play drinking games throughout the day while the draft is going on. Then when dinner time arrives, we go to White Castle and get a crave case of cheeseburgers (30 sliders) along with a few sacks of chicken rings. We then return home, house the entire supply of food, and continue drinking. It is a day of great jubilation, and one I look forward to every year.

Unfortunately though, Roger Goodell, the Commissioner of the NFL, has been doing everything in his power to ruin this tradition for us since he has come into power. For the first year of the Extravaganza, and all the years before that I can remember, the first 3 rounds of the draft began on Saturday at around noon and lasted all day. Rounds 4 through 7 were then on Sunday. It was the perfect setup for the Extravaganza. Last year, which was the 2nd Annual NFL Draft/White Castle Extravaganza, Goodell moved Rounds 1 and 2 to later on Saturday, with a start time of 4:00 PM. Not a move I liked, but we adjusted properly and began the Extravaganza later.

Now for next year, he's taking the ruin to a whole 'nother level. The plan is for the 1st round to be on primetime Thursday night, the 2nd and 3rd rounds to be on primetime Friday night, and finally for rounds 4 through 7 to be on all day Saturday. THE DRAFT WAS GOOD THE WAY IT WAS!! WHY ARE YOU RUINING IT?!?! Obviously this is a money-making scheme so they can charge premium advertising fees for primetime television, but come on! Are we supposed to have the entire Extravaganza Thursday night? Split it between 2 nights? Wait until Saturday day? The first two options may not work, because a key component of the Extravaganza is day drinking, and the last option may not work because the over-the-top excitement of the 1st round was another key component. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Please feel free to send me ideas.

I will continue to watch every minute of the draft for sure, and please know that the Extravaganza is not in jeopardy of being discontinued. But because of Goodell we have to re-work the entire event to make it work, so that the tradition may continue. Mr. Goodell, I promise you this one thing: despite your best efforts to ruin a sacred event, I guarantee the tradition of the Annual NFL Draft/White Castle Extravaganza will go on. WE WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.

Do celebrities really always die in 3's?

I've heard the saying a million times, and I know you have as well. Celebrities always die in threes. It's a ridiculous theory, but events that have occurred over the years have given the saying at least some merit. And seeing as celebrities have been dropping like flies over the past few weeks, I decided to investigate the theory using celebrities that have passed within the last two months. My dear Watson, the evidence please.

David Carradine - June 3

Carradine, star of the famed 70s television series Kung Fu, movies such as the Kill Bill series, and most famously, made a guest-appearance on Disney's Lizzie McGuire, was found dead in his hotel in Thailand after reportedly choking himself to death performing some sort of freaky sex act. The circumstances surrounding his death are either interesting or repulsive. I'm leaning toward repulsive. Who knows what that hooker was doing pre-mortem.

Ed McMahon - June 23

The noted television personality was Johnny Carson's announcer and sidekick from 1962-1992, as well as a decorated war veteran from WWII and Korea. Being a youngin, I only know him as the face of Publisher's Clearing House, a contest my parents were never lucky enough to win, therefore never making my life significantly more comfortable (thanks Mom and Dad for NOTHING). He more or less died of old age.

Farrah Fawcett - June 25

Fawcett was most famously an original member of Charlie's Angels, who became a worldwide sex symbol due to her role in the show. You'll see here her famous pin-up poster that lead many an American, male youth to discover what exactly a boner is. It is the best-selling poster of all time. Personally, I think she did her finest work in the 1995 classic, Man of the House, where she co-starred with Chevy Chase as Squatting Dog and Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Little Wing. I know you agree with me there. She unfortunately passed away due to cancer.

Michael Jackson - June 25

Jackson, the retired little boy-toucher (allegedly) who occasionally dabbled in pop music back in the day, made many a musical hit, such as Fat and Eat It (wait, those were by Weird Al?). The King of Pop popularized the music video with his 1982 opus, Thriller, and also created one of the defining albums of our time, the Free Willy soundtrack. MJ passed from a heart attack.

Billy Mays - June 28

Mays, who had one of most meticulously groomed beards you will ever see, was famous for being a TV pitchman who pushed several "As Seen on TV" products like OXYCLEAN!!, ORANGE GLO!!!!, MIGHTY PUTTY!!!!!! and the AWESOME AUGER!!!! His budding rivalry with ShamWow Vince in the infomercial industry was soon to be the stuff of legends, along the lines of Ali-Frazier, Bird-Magic and Lauren Conrad-Heidi Montag. Alas, it was not to be, as ShamWow Vince made the eternal mistake of beating a hooker, while Mays sadly passed due to complications from heart disease. It could have been epic.

Steve McNair - July 4

"Air" McNair was so good in college that he finished third in the 1994 Heisman Trophy voting despite going to D1-AA Alcorn State. He was picked third overall in 1995 by the Tennessee Titans (they were the Houston Oilers at that point), and went on to become one of the best QBs in the game. His most famous moment was in Super Bowl XXXIV, when he led the Titans to within 1 yard of tying the St. Louis Rams after a stirring final drive in regulation. McNair was the victim of a murder-suicide by his troubled girlfriend.

Oscar G. Mayer, Jr. - July 6

He was the third Oscar Mayer to head the famed hot dog company until his retirement in 1977. Mayer is not really a celebrity I suppose, but the wienermobile is AWESOME, so I thought he deserved mention here.

Walter Cronkite - July 17

Cronkite is perhaps America's most famous journalist, and was anchor of the CBS Evening News for 19 years from 1962-1981. "The Most Trusted Man in America" brought us the news of JFK's assassination, Watergate, and the Iran Hostage Crisis, among other notable events, all while becoming an icon in the process. He was taken from us at the age of 92 by cerebral vascular disease.

So as you can see from the evidence above, the saying celebrities always die in threes is absolutely, 100% wrong. They only sometimes die in threes. Carradine died on June 3, while the next celebrity death didn't occur for another 20 days. No celebrities died in the days before him either, so his death was a mostly isolated one. However, the deaths came fast and furious after that, with a group of three consisting of McMahon, Fawcett and Jackson being taken from us in a period of 3 days. The next group of 3 followed shortly thereafter, with Mays, McNair, and Oscar Mayer passing away in a span of 8 days. 11 days later, Cronkite passed, so either 2 more celebrities will shortly follow, or none of them will. Because as the saying goes, celebrities sometimes die in threes.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 7/20

Saturday morning the woman and I went to the New Jersey DMV in Flemington, NJ so that we could renew our licenses. People always talk about how miserable an experience it is when you go to the DMV; the lines, the waiting, the crabby workers. We made sure that we showed up nice and early in the morning so that we had enough time for all the waiting and frustration before it closed at noon. You can imagine how happy I was then when we were in and out of the DMV in about 15 minutes. There were no lines, no waiting, and the women working there were quite delightful. It was the best DMV experience of my life, and one that I imagine can only be attained in the great state of New Jersey.

We also had the good ol' Ford Focus serviced on Saturday. It was the regular 5,000 mile maintenance, as well as a repair of the right front tire, which is allergic to keeping air in it, as well as finding out why the AC smells like burning when it comes out of the vents. Turns out we had a nail in the tire, which I suppose isn't all together surprising considering the commute I have every day. I refuse, however, to blame it on the wonderfully conditioned roads of New Jersey, so I believe that someone stole my car, drove it around in Pennsylvania where it got the nail in the tire, and then returned it the same night.

I went to my first baby shower this weekend for my cousin Chris and his wife Jackie's first baby. Earlier in the week I went to Babies R' Us to get them something from their registry, and let me tell you, Babies R' Us is the SCARIEST place in the world. It is unbelievable how much money baby stuff costs, as well as the sheer amount of it that exists. The store itself is ridiculously unorganized as well, as nothing was where the registry said it was. A pregnant woman who thought I looked overwhelmed (I was) helped me out, which was very nice of her. It's an awful place and I don't recommend you go there. Truly horrifying.

My cousins are big firework junkies, so there was a delightful display of them when nightfall finally arrived Saturday night. The first one went off during the daylight actually, and when it got to its highest point and exploded, my cousins Bryan and Ashleigh's son Jake, who's 5, had the most unbelievably priceless reaction I have ever seen. The firework went off, and he just turned and screamed, "OH MY GOD!!!!!! YESSSSSSS!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" He then just ran around like crazy for a while. Amazing.

I read an article today about how John Tortorella wants the Rangers to get over their problems with Donald Brashear from last year's playoffs and accept him as part of the team because he believes he can help them. "When they come out of the locker room," he wants them to come out "as a team" he says. Like I said in my Rangers rant, if I was on that team I would have a hard time accepting Brashear after what he did to Blair Betts in Game 6 of last year's first round, but maybe they're better men than I. We'll see how that goes.

I'm watching the 4th round of the British Open, and it just doesn't feel like a major championship without Jim Nantz behind the mic. Now as far as the main story line goes, Mike Tirico can paint as vivid a picture as he wants about Tom Watson bringing us all back to the good old days of golf, but as an average joe golf fan, it remains less than compelling television without Tiger or Phil in contention on Sunday. I take nothing away from Tom Watson as it is a wonderful story, and he is playing some very good golf. It is fun to watch, just not as fun as it would be with Tiger and Phil duking it out. Of course as I say this, Watson just choked on his par putt on 18 to win, so we're going to a playoff between him and Stewart Cink. Again, very good, exciting golf, just not as exciting as it could be to me, the average fan.

My dad and I watched a special on the life and career of Walter Cronkite tonight, and being that I am relatively young, I had never known what kind of an impact he had on television news, as well as on America in general. It seemed as though he was a very special man. What baffles me though is that when a great American like Cronkite, who did so much good and influenced so many people, passes away, people across this country did not react in anywhere close to the manner that they did when a former pop star who may or may not have molested little boys died. Sure Michael Jackson was a talented singer, but I think the last 10 to 15 years of his life has done enough to tarnish his legacy and leave him far from deserving the kind of special treatment he's been receiving post mortem. But maybe that's just me, who knows.

The ESPY's were on tonight, ESPN's annual award show recognizing sports excellence. I really feel no need to watch it, which is partially due to the fact that ESPN releases all of the winners of the awards beforehand, which is so idiotic. The show was taped on Wednesday or Thursday I believe, and after that all of the winners were announced on SportsCenter and on ESPN.com. So after seeing who won, why do I need to watch the show? Very bad job ESPN. I think you're losing a lot of viewers by announcing the winners beforehand. Though once last thing I'd like to throw in here about that: my girl Nastia looked gooooood accepting the Best Female Athlete award, or whatever it is called. Nice.

Ugh. Another week of work. Though this will only be a 4 day work week because on Friday we're off to Ithaca, NY for Rick (last name deleted) and Corie's wedding! Please note as well that because we will be away at the wedding this weekend, and because we will be at the 4th Annual Summer Camp (explanation as to what that is coming later) the following weekend, the Brain Fart will be put on hold for 2 weeks. Regular posts will happen, just not the Brain Fart. My apologies in advance to all 4 of my loyal readers.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 6

Even the Criminals are Nice People

My good friend Kevo, who has a blog of his own that you should visit, passed along a very interesting article to me today. Allow me to share it with you.

From the Associated Press:

"NJ police say burglar returned to apologize"

RAHWAY, N.J. – Police in central New Jersey said they arrested a man for burglary after he returned to the victim's house in Rahway to apologize. Police arrested 35-year-old Craig Fletcher of Elizabeth on Wednesday shortly after the homeowner told them a man had just rung his doorbell, apologized for the break-in and ran off on foot.

The homeowner said he interrupted the June 29 burglary. He chased the burglar, who had stuffed three laptops and an Xbox game console into a backpack. The intruder threw the bag down and got away.

Fletcher was also charged with a second burglary in the same neighborhood.

He was taken to the Union County Jail in lieu of $60,000 bail. Police did not know if he had retained a lawyer.

First off, let me say that I had to re-type this article because there was a grammar mistake in it that was bugging the crap out of me. But because of this, you may think I have made it up, so here is the article so you have proof that this is real.

Second, I think this shows the true spirit of a man from New Jersey. Everyone makes mistakes. I think we can all admit that. This man obviously made one, and will pay the price for it. But to be able to walk back to the house of the person you have wronged and own up to your mistake - that takes a real man, the kind of man that only comes from New Jersey. So even though the guy is a complete idiot and will most likely spend time in jail, it's good to know that deep down inside that soul of his is a kind human being, the kind you would want your daughter to marry. Of course, if you have a daughter, you should consider yourself lucky if she marries a man from New Jersey.

35 year old Craig Fletcher of Elizabeth, your act of remorse will be admired state-wide, and your fellow New Jerseyans salute you.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 5

Air Conditioning

Yes, I know, it's all over the place. Your work is air conditioned. Your school is air conditioned. Your home is air conditioned. Most likely wherever you're standing or sitting right now is air conditioned, unless you're in a third world country of course. But guess what? If it weren't for the great state of New Jersey, you would be sweating your cojones off right now, because air conditioning was invented by a great man who was born and bred in this amazing state. It's yet another reason why you should be bowing at the feet of the absolute greatest state in the union.

Willis Haviland Carrier of Essex Fells, NJ invented the first air conditioning unit in 1902 when he installed a spray system that cooled air temperatures in a friend's printing press building. In 1915, Carrier started the Carrier Engineering Company in Newark, NJ. It was there that he developed the centrifugal refrigeration machine, which was the first of its kind that was designed to cool large areas. Carrier was a true pioneer, and it comes as no surprise that he is from New Jersey, the state synonymous with innovation, and of course, awesomeness.

Think about it for a second. No other invention has been more important in aiding you in your pursuit of comfort during the hot summer months in the history of this planet. So let's examine your other options, and find out where they fall short:

Windows

Windows were a great idea in theory. Is it too hot or stuffy in the room you're in right now? Open your window and let some air in. But wait, there's nothing but hot air outside. How is this going to help? If there's no breeze outside, there's no comfort inside. Do yourself a favor and turn on that New Jersey-invented AC.

Refrigerators

Refrigerators are for food and beverage, fool. Please step out of the fridge and replace the shelves you removed so you could fit in. And go turn on your AC.

Ceiling Fans

Ceiling fans were another good idea, again, in theory. When the room or area you're in is getting way too hot, just turn on the ceiling fan and let it move around the air, therefore creating a certain level of coolness. But what if the air the fan is moving around is already way too hot? It's only going to remain hot the the room, just now the hot air is flowing around you as opposed to sitting on you. Why don't you go turn that AC on and really chill out?

Traditional Fans

Same principal as the ceiling fan. Same result as the ceiling fan. Get that AC on, and then your fan can move some actual cool air around your room.

Water-Spritzing Bottles

I am of course talking about those little plastic bottles that have the Windex tip-like top that you can squirt cold water out of onto yourself. They either come with a small fan that effectively turns the spray into a nice mist, or they come traditionally without the fan. Now, if the water is cold, then yes, it will cool you off. But then what? Now your face and clothing are soaking wet. Oh what is that? You don't have a towel or napkin to dry yourself off with? That's just too bad. The AC is over there, go turn it on. Then go dry your face.

Large, Sturdy Paper, Like a Brochure or Something

The brochure, pamphlet or folder-like object I am referring to of course does not cool you on its own. No, it takes actual effort on your part to do its job. What you have to do is pick up the brochure, then wave it back and forth near your face over and over again until you feel the breeze. However, it only cools your face, not the rest of your body, plus it makes your arm really tired. Research by leading Harvard scientists has shown that a tired arm leads to many different kinds of discomfort, not least of which is sweating, which is the very condition you were trying to prevent in the first place. So put down that brochure, and use your arm to reach over to the AC and turn it on.

Getting Naked

Sure, taking off all of your clothes makes you cooler because clearly, the amount of layers you're wearing is directly involved with your coolness quotient. The big problem here is that you ultimately run out of clothes to take off. So if you run out of clothing to remove, and you're still hot, you're screwed, because unless you know something I don't, you cannot remove your skin. Here's a tip then: put your clothes back on and blast the AC.

In conclusion, it is beyond a shadow of a doubt that air conditioning is the most important, and culturally significant, invention this world has ever seen when it comes to being comfortable during the summer. As you read above, there is nothing else you can do or any other object you can use that will cool you down  like good ol' AC. And you of course have a man that hails from the most amazing state in these United States, New Jersey, to thank for it. Willis Carrier, you are a great man, and every day man thanks you for your gift to this world. We salute you.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 7/13

Watched Kindergarten Cop tonight. It is truly a hallmark of American cinema. Not just because of the gripping story line and the well-developed characters, but because of the sheer amount of classic Arnold Schwartzenegger quotes in it. His twisting, ridiculous face while shouting "SHUT UP!" at the kids is the definition of fine method acting. "STOP WHINING!" is another Arnold classic that will go down in the annals of American movie history as one of its finest moments. Even "It's not a TOOMAH!" evokes comparisons to Brando, Bogart and other legendary actors. I could probably go on forever, but let me just finish with this: I know you've seen the movie, but do yourself a favor and watch it again. You'll thank me.

Now I'm watching The Final Season, a ridiculously cliched and awful movie about a high school baseball team in Iowa that is playing out its last season before they merge with another high school. Sean Astin, of 24 and Rudy fame, plays the head coach, who is following in the footsteps of a legend. They of course make it to the state championship game, and they of course are facing a pitcher who is being followed by pro scouts. Yawn. Rudy's pregame speech in the locker room wasn't even inspiring. I feel like I've seen this story before in about 100 other crappy sports movies. Don't waste your time.

It obviously has been a really awful time for Steve McNair's widow after his death last week. But the worst part of this is that not only has she lost her husband, but she found out he was cheating on her, and now stories are coming out about his affairs with strippers and such. I couldn't feel worse for her. Really sad stuff.

Time for the annual Rick (last name deleted) Mets BBQ! Every year Rick, of Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 3 fame, and his family get together a BBQ in the parking lot at a Mets game. About 120-150 people come, and there is more booze and BBQ'ing than you can shake a stick at. Believe me, you can shake a stick at a lot of booze and BBQ. Anyway, the only downside is that the BBQ is at a Mets game, so when we eventually stumble into the stadium at around the 5th inning, we see Queens' only minor league baseball team. We all know the Yankees would be a better choice. But despite the poor quality of baseball that the Mets play, it is always a great time. On to more day drinking!

While at the Mets BBQ, lots of beer is consumed. Said beer comes from cans, which is then poured into the traditional plastic red cup, so as not to violate any open container laws. After the beer is poured from the can, the can is then placed in a black garbage bag for proper recycling. Here is where one of the funniest parts of the day come in, for me (though it may be funny just because I'm incredibly drunk). After the can bags start filling up, tiny homeless people come flocking to the BBQ so they can retrieve our cans and cash them in at recycling centers. The smiles on their faces are priceless, like they have just won the homeless people lottery. I like to call it the Mets BBQ Community Outreach Program, and hot damn is it successful!

I grew up a big Atlanta Braves fan along with my best friend from elementary school. We watched them on TBS because they were on all of the time, and our favorite player was David Justice. So being that I am a Braves fan, seeing Jeff Francoeur in a Mets uniform tonight at the Mets game was fairly sad for me. It wasn't as bad as seeing Tom Glavine in the hated Mets uniform, but it was close. We were in the front row in centerfield during the game, and I was trying to get "Frenchy's" attention by screaming some drunken nonsense at him, telling him how much I was going to miss him and it was sad that I have to hate him now. He didn't pay any attention to me. Consider my heart broken.

We had dinner tonight at the Pancake Factory, aka the Greatest Diner in History, and for the first time I had something other than breakfast food there. First off, they don't call it the Pancake Factory for nothing, as they make the best pancakes I have ever tasted. Ever. Second, one of my favorite things to do is eat breakfast for dinner, or brinner, as I like to call it. But I decided to give some of their other fare a shot tonight, and the verdict was: EXCELLENT. I had a very tasty buffalo chicken wrap with some delightfully seasoned curly fries. I was quite satisfied, and now I can now recommend the dinner food at the Pancake Factory to you in confidence.

Sunday TV Wrap: I watched the second episode of Hung on HBO, and I definitely thought it was better than the premiere, which was used more or less to set up the story. I think the show has some serious potential, so I'll be back for more definitely. Watch it if you haven't yet. The new season of Entourage began as well tonight, and I thought it was a great episode. I'm one of the few who don't think it has tailed off in recent seasons. I'm always entertained by the show, and was once again tonight. Even if you think the show sucks though, you should still watch it just to see one of the great characters in TV today, Lloyd. He is priceless. And finally, I watched the second to last episode of Daisy of Love, and ***SPOILER ALERT*** surprise surprise London is in the finale, along with 12 Pack and Flex. Should be entertaining, and hopefully Flex finally gives in to his anger and kills someone! Also, VH1 was promoting two of their upcoming shows that I would rather eat human shit than watch, Megan Wants a Millionaire, which features D-List VH1 whore Megan Hauserman, who I may actually hate more than the Philadelphia Eagles, and The T.O. Show, which of course features Terrell Owens, someone I definitely hate more than the Philadelphia Eagles. Please scoop out my eyeballs and feed them to me if I ever watch those shows.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Offseason New York Rangers Rant

Remember this?



And how about this?



Just watching these ratty YouTube clips gives me chills and brings me back to two of the greatest moments of my childhood. And, if you're a die-hard New York Rangers fan like myself, I hope these memories are burned deep within your cerebral cortex, because with Glen Sather running this franchise, we may very well have to wait another 54 years for our next Stanley Cup (though if it's 54 years from our last cup in 1994, we actually only have 39 years left... whoopee).

Now please bare with me because I'm a little drunk, but HOW THE HELL DOES GLEN SATHER STILL HAVE A JOB??!!?? He has been in the position since 2000, and since 2000 the Rangers have been nothing but a failure. Granted, they've been decent since the lockout ended, but even then they've only made it to the second round of the playoffs. This accomplishment is diminished somewhat by the fact that teams that are just OK make the playoffs in the NHL. His tenure has been plagued by the overpayment of big-name failures like Eric Lindros, Pavel Bure, Bobby Holik, Darius Kasparaitis and, most recently, Wade Redden, as well as hiring miserable coaches like Bryan Trottier. Only when your boss is Jim Dolan, arguably the worst owner in sports, can you keep your job after being this awful at it. I feel like Glen Sather could show up for work and sexually assault a female that works under him and still keep his job. Oh wait, that already happened at the Garden under Dolan's watch.

Now with all of this being said, I'm still hopeful that this coming year will bring the Cup back to New York and erase the painful memories of Sather's Era of Error. So let's take a look at the roster from last year that couldn't score a goal if their lives depended on it and see where we need to make changes. Free agency has of course already started and moves have been made, but these were my thoughts from back after the Rangers were eliminated from the playoffs in April:

Forwards: Scott Gomez, Chris Drury, Markus Naslund, Nikolai Zherdev, Nik Antropov, Brandon Dubinsky, Ryan Callahan, Aaron Voros, Lauri Korpikoski, Freddie Sjostrom, Blair Betts, Sean Avery, Colton Orr

April 2009 Steve says: I think Gomez should stay, but he needs Sather to get him a playmaker for his wing that doesn't suck like Nik Zherdev. Zherdev and Antropov are in the same boat, and that boat is all about not trying too hard on the ice and therefore disappearing at important moments in important games. Goodbye both of you. Drury is the captain, and I still think he has a lot to offer this team, so I hope he stays. Naslund retired, and in a classy fashion as he did it before we owed him a multi-million dollar bonus payment. Thanks Markus. Callahan and Dubinsky are the young core of this team, and along with Avery, are pretty much this team's entire heart. I love all three of them. Sjostrom and Betts are the best penalty killers in the NHL. We need them back. Orr is good at beating people up, which is an asset every hockey team needs. Voros is worse than my little sister.

Defensemen: Marc Staal, Paul Mara, Wade Redden, Michal Rozsival, Derek Morris, Dan Girardi

April 2009 Steve says: Staal is one of the best young defensemen in the NHL, and seems to get better every game. Love him. Girardi is also young and very solid. A keeper. Mara is tough and always has his teammates back, even when he's playing with injuries. Plus he has the greatest playoff beard in history. We need him back. Derek Morris is garbage, so goodbye. Wade Redden is one of the biggest wastes of money in history, but we probably can't get rid of him because of his awful contract. I think Redden turned the puck over in the defensive zone once for every dollar Sather spent on him this past season. I can't stand him. PLEASE GET RID OF HIM. Rozsival is the same. Shitty contract, shitty production. Oye.

Goaltenders: Henrik Lundqvist, Stephen Valiquette

April 2009 Steve says: We don't call him King Henrik for nothing. Lundqvist is arguably the best goalie in the game. He wins us games on his own a lot. Vali is the perfect backup. Never complains. Solid when he gets a chance.

OK. Now that I've snapped out of April 2009 Steve mode, let's move up to the present day and analyze what Mr. Sather has done so far this offseason:

Decided to let Blair Betts, Freddie Sjostrom, and Paul Mara leave

Atrocious moves. I hate them. As I said before, Betts and Sjostrom were the best penalty-killing tandem in the NHL last year. I thought we should have played them on the power play as well so we didn't give up so many damn shorthanded goals. And I would have liked to have kept Mara because of his toughness and his beard. Not a good start here Glen.

Traded Scott Gomez to Montreal for Chris Higgins and 2 top Defense prospects

I didn't like this move at first, because I think Gomez can be a really good playmaker if you give him a goal scoring wing for him to center. But after awhile I actually came around to it. We got a perennial 20 goal scorer who's younger than Gomez and 1/8 the cost, as well as Montreal's two best defensemen prospects. We also saved a ton of money, which allowed us to...

Sign Free Agent RW Marian Gaborik

I love this move. This guy is a goal scoring machine, which is something we desperately needed because the Rangers were allergic to scoring goals last year. He is instant offense. The only problem here, and it's a big one, is that he has a terrible history of being hurt all of the time. But if somehow he manages to stay healthy and play a complete season, we've got ourselves a 50 goal scorer. It's a risk I think we needed to take.



Let Colton Orr go and replace him with Donald Brashear

Another move I absolutely hate, and I hate it because I hate Brashear. I don't think I can emphasize enough to you how much I hate this man. He took the most unbelievable cheap shot on Blair Betts in our playoff series with the Capitals last year, breaking his orbital bone, giving him a concussion, and knocking him out for the rest of the playoffs. And for that, he didn't even get called for a penalty. As you know we ultimately lost the series, and not having Betts played a big part in that outcome. This is the kind of move that can ruin team chemistry if the remaining players harbor ill feelings toward Brashear from last year. Awful.

Let Nik Antropov sign with Atlanta

Good riddance. Antropov has a ton of talent, but like Alexei Kovalev before him, he just doesn't seem to care enough to actually apply that talent. He completely disappeared in the playoffs. See ya Nik, and if you wouldn't mind, please take Nik Zherdev with you.

Signed Free Agent Winger Ales Kotalik

Kotalik is another perennial 20 goal scorer with some speed and size, who comes at a relatively good price for the success he's had in the NHL. I remember him having some pretty good games against us while he was in Buffalo. Plus, it most likely means Nik Zherdev is gone FOREVER. Good move Glen, and good for you Ales. You get to play in a real city now as opposed to Buffalo.

That would be all of the moves for now, and we'll see if the summer brings us more gems from Glen Sather. I do think the team is in better shape now than it was at the end of last year, what with the few good moves Sather has made so far and the young talent we have coming up like Artem Anisimov, Evgeny Grachev, and Michael Del Zotto, but only time will tell if these pieces will work and help to bring us the Cup. Of course, knowing the history of Glen Sather's Era of Error, we'll probably have to wait those remaining 39 years. My heart can't take that.

Can someone explain this to me?

I'm confused (yeah I know, what else is new). Someone please take a look at the graph I made below and tell me exactly what is wrong here:



Donte Stallworth, a wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns, got drunk one night, drove while still drunk, and ran over a man, killing him. Keep in mind here - he killed an actual HUMAN BEING. He got 1 month in prison. Michael Vick ran an illegal dog fighting operation, gambled on said dog fighting operation, then tortured and killed the dogs that lost. He got 23 months in prison. Lee Crider stole Lance Armstrong's bike. That's it. HE GOT 36 MONTHS IN JAIL.

WHAT??!?!?!??

If a guy is getting 3 years in prison for stealing a bike, I would think that Donte Stallworth should be rotting in prison for the rest of his life. Now I'm sure this is an incredibly naive look at the situation since I most likely don't know all of the facts, but on the surface, something is definitely wrong here. If this doesn't make me lose faith in the American justice system, I don't know what will. Someone, please, shed some light on this for me.

I suppose the moral of the story is: Don't fuck with Lance Armstrong.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 7/6

I'm back with my weekly Brain Fart from this past Fourth of July holiday weekend. Hope you all had a swell weekend like I did. Enjoy.

Just saw The Hangover.  I'll have to admit that the trailers didn't make it look that good, so I didn't want to see it at first.  But as time had passed, many of my friends have been hyping it up to the point where I NEEDED to see it.  And thank God I did.  You know a movie is a classic when the first thing you say when you leave the theater is "That's a purchase."  It was absolutely hilarious, and then the last minute happened. Mind-blowing.

Helped a friend move today.  I actually love moving when it's not me who's actually moving apartments.  You get to enjoy the manly bonding that goes with lifting large furniture together without all the hassle of actually arranging anything, making calls, renting trucks, etc.  It's quite delightful.

You've got to love jumping into our building's heated pool when it's 90 degrees out and you're sweating from helping someone move.  It feels like every child in the city jumped in the pool before you and took a massive, hot piss. Refreshing!

I'm ridiculously excited about the July 4th hot dog eating contest tomorrow.  Probably too excited.

Just looked at the Madden 2010 player ratings (yeah I know I'm a nerd).  They did an injustice to Giants fans everywhere.  If you create a franchise with the Giants, you have to trade them all. They didn't rate any of the players very fast, and we all know speed wins in Madden.  You can keep Justin Tuck and Osi Umenyiora, but that's it.  And Eli because he's really cute.

Some stupid segment on SportsCenter called "SportsNation" just said that America voted the Williams sisters as more successful than the Mannings.  BULLSHIT AMERICA.  YOU'RE STOOPID. How can you be more successful than 2 consecutive Super Bowl MVPs when only about 8% of America cares about your sport?

1 hour until the hot dog eating contest!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! kjhelakgjfhdlksjhdaslfhsdaljhl!!!!!

THE HOT DOG EATING CONTEST IS HERE!!!! (see previous post). I'm hard.

Now it's time for the festivities of the 4th to begin. Time to grill. Time to gather with friends and family. And most importantly, time to celebrate America in the best way I can think of: get drunk. Not only are we drinking, but we're day-drinking, and we all know how much fun day drinking is. I bet our founding fathers were big day drinkers.

My roommates and I watched Independence Day on Independence Day (who doesn't right?), and during the course of the movie we argued as to whether or not the destruction of the Empire State Building and the ensuing inferno would destroy our apartment building on the Jersey City side of the Hudson River. Clearly we're within the radius of destruction, but I argued that the fire would weaken as it crossed the Hudson and wouldn't cause too much damage to our building. Everyone else seemed to think that the Hudson wouldn't have that great of an effect and we all would die. Your thoughts?

We had a July 4th party, and for the most part we made sure to drink American brewed beers like Coors and Colonials (aka MGD... but that's another story) so we could properly celebrate this great country. Others, however, were drinking Corona, which is of course a Mexican beer. Drinking a Mexican beer on a holiday celebrating America's independence? I frown upon that decision.

Speaking of seeing The Hangover this weekend... my head hurts.

I'm not a big tennis guy, and up until today the only match I had ever watched in its entirety in my life was the Roger Federer - Rafael Nadal final from last year's Wimbledon, which was epic. I woke up this afternoon and Federer and Andy Roddick were already in the 5th set of this year's Wimbledon final, so I decided to watch the rest. It was another classic, though I think last year's final was better because it wasn't just each guy smashing serves down the other's throats like this year's was. Federer and Nadal had some amazing volleys, whereas Federer and Roddick just traded service until Federer finally broke Roddick to win. Plus last year there were the rain delays, it was getting dark, and the two were visibly gassed, which made for compelling television. This year the weather was perfect, the sunlight didn't matter because there are lights on centre court now, and they both looked like they were barely breaking a sweat. Don't get me wrong though, this year's match was unbelievable. Last year's was just better.

Today just so happens to be my girlfriend's birthday. She, like me, is now a quarter-century old, though I would imagine she feels like she's an entire century old because she has to put up with my crap all of the time. Wait, who am I kidding? I'm a saint. Happy Birthday sweetie!

Ugh. Another week of work.

July 4 Hot Dog Eating Contest Live Blog!

"Today, the rivalry continues!"

That's right everyone, it's Joey Chestnut vs. Takeru Kobayashi (and all the other contestants of course) in the yearly competition that pits the greatest athletes this world has ever seen, the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest! We are live of course from the corner of Surf and Stillwell on Coney Island in Brooklyn, FOR MY FAVORITE HOUR OF TELEVISION DURING THE ENTIRE YEAR.

They just compared last year's overtime "Dog-off" between Chestnut and Kobayashi with other great overtime contests in sports history, such as the 1958 NFL Championship game between the New York Giants and Baltimore Colts, which is of course dubbed "The Greatest Game Ever Played." I understand the comparison.

We have Rob Stone as our reporter in the field, giving us up-to-the-second updates in gastrointestinal greatness. I would have preferred Erin Andrews, but perhaps she doesn't have the stomach for this. Rob, I'm all yours.

Last year of course they moved to 10 minutes, when in the recent past it had been 12 minutes. Apparently Chestnut is looking to break the 12 minute record (66 hot dogs) in 10 minutes. I believe.

I love the automatic DQ for the "Reversal of Fortune." I've never seen a classier way of saying "puking your brains out all over Rob Stone."

They're showing the interview Rob did with Chestnut as he came off the bus this morning. He looks determined. Anything can happen today. Anything.

Roster is up on the screen, and Eric "Badlands" Booker is in the field! I'm a huge fan. He's a NYC Subway train driver (driver? operator? who knows) and aspiring rapper on the side. He is a mountain of a man that casts a large shadow over the rest of the competition. Booker has never won though. Could this be his breakthrough performance?

Kobayashi recently beat Chestnut in a Pizza Hut P'Zone eating contest. First of all, gross. Second of all, IT IS ON.

Ooooo time for the "Ladies of Professional Eating" profile. We have Sonya Thomas, "The Black Widow," who once ate 10% of her body weight in cheesecake. She's here every year and is a fan favorite. And we have Juliet Lee, a former chemistry professor at the University of Maryland. I'd say she's moved on to a better profession. These are real woman. Woman I am deathly afraid of.

In the ultimate Irony of Ironies, Pat Bertoletti, one of the competitors, is a Dietary Chef in Chicago. I'm laughing.

Stone is explaining to us the different methods of eating the hot dogs in competition. He left out my method, "Unprofessional and Not Worthy of These Men." He's also demonstrating to us the "Chew-View," the helmet cam that will be on some of the competitors so we have a first-person view of the "Reversal of Fortune," should it happen. Now he's making The Stoner Shake, a milkshake made of hot dogs, buns, and ketchup! I think I'm going to be sick.

Chestnut and Kobayashi are getting their "game stomachs" on. I'm getting my throw-up bib on.

Rob is interviewing Kobayashi's interpreter now as Kobayashi speaks in his native tongue. How does he not know English by now when he's been eating Americans for years?. They've apparently identified a weakness in his game, and have rectified it through intense training. Chestnut, you've been warned.

Kobe Bryant vs. Kobayashi graphic. It's not even close. Kobe is a chump, and Kobayashi is a champion.

Time for the introductions of the players! This will be a bit rambling: I haven't heard of any of these guys that are leading off here. Too many people from Pennsylvania. They're definitely going to lose. Crazy Legs Conti! One of the great personalities in all of sport! I'm tickled with excitement. Pat Bertoletti is dressed in his Sunday best. Juliet Lee is the second woman to ever eat 30 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Sorry Megan, I think I'm in love. I can't properly convey to you these introductions in the written word when I'm typing this fast, it's just too over-the-top and absolutely incredible. The nicknames they have for these people are amazing. I want this job. "The Four Horsemen of the Asophogus" leader is The Black Widow. Oh ok, I was wondering. Humble Bob Shoudt is a vegetarian away from the competitive eating table. Does that count? Badlands Booker is in the house! EVERYBODY GET ON YOUR FEET! I'M ROOTING FOR YOU ERIC! He has a new CD dropping today, everyone get out and support this great man. Eater X and his ridiculous face paint is on stage now. He's a darkhorse to win the whole thing according to our host.

Kobayashi is getting thinner and more muscular every year. I hope competitive eating has some sort of PED testing program. And now Joey Chestnut is coming to the stage! USA! USA! USA! The guy doing the introductions is going to bust his temple with how excited he's getting over Chestnut. I'm right there with him.

They keep promo-ing this special on the BIO channel about major league eating. I'm praying to God that DirecTV gets the BIO channel. Pleeeeaaaassseee DirecTV, come through for me.

Rob Stone is in the "Spray Zone." LUCKY BASTARD.

10:00 - AND WE'RE OFF!!!

9:34 - Getting off to a strong start is key here. You can tell by the fact that these guys are trying to put 17 dogs in their mouths at the same time.

9:08 - New dogs-per-minute graphic this year from ESPN. Love it.

9:00 - Chestnut and Kobayashi are neck and neck with 12 dogs at the 1 minute mark!

8:26 - This is all so beautiful in HD. I can't do it justice.

8:05 - Apparently this is more of a marathon than a sprint for Eater X. Questionable strategy, Eater. Our leaders are pulling away.

7:45 - "Chew View" is incredible. You can actually see the full insertion of dog to mouth. This is as graphic as it gets.

6:50 - 30 dogs each for Chestnut and Kobayashi! This is too close for comfort. I'm sweating.

6:14 - There is nothing hotter than watching the Black Widow stuffing her face with hot dogs and water-soaked buns. I, and every other guy in this room, is turned on.

5:43 - Bertoletti has taken his jacket off. This is serious.

5:22 - 40-38 Chestnut! USA! USA! USA!

5:03 - "This is Lakers - Celtics." I disagree Richard Shea. This is better.

4:40 - More "Chew View" from contestant Micah Collins. You can see the dog and bun scraps caught in his goatee. At least he has some food saved for later when he gets hungry again.

4:00 - 47-45 Chestnut!!!

3:50 - Darkhorse Eater X is at 37. I don't think today is his day.

3:00 - 53-51 Chestnut!! I can't move my body the way they are wiggling to get the food down, but then again, I'm not even close to being the athletes that these guys are.

2:40 - The pace is starting to slow down. It's all about perseverance and belief now, mind over matter. You've got to want it. We're going to find out who wants it more.

2:22 - Kobayashi deserves to lose because of that stupid haircut.  Come on man.

2:07 - Bertoletti has taken over 3rd! Maybe next year Eater X.

1:38 - Chestnut is at 60 dogs!! WATCH OUT RECORD, HERE COMES JOEY!

1:00 - One minute to go!!! 63-61 Chestnut! IT'S COMING DOWN TO THE WIRE! Rob Stone is giggling with excitement.

0:40 - 64-62 Chestnut!!

0:29 - New world record for Chestnut! 67 dogs! I AM IN AWE.

0:12 - I'm urinating in my shorts in excitement.

0:00 - IT'S OVER!!! 68-64 Chestnut!!! AMERICA KEEPS THE MUSTARD BELT!!

The contestants looked gassed, which is understandable. After watching this, I don't know how any Olympic sprinter can double over in exhaustion after a gold medal race.  This is way more taxing.

The slo-mo replays are glorious. This is better than porn.

The official count is in. 68 - 64.5 Chestnut takes it. A new world record, only this time in 10 minutes, not 12. The 40,000 fans in attendance are in the presence of a legend.

Stone is interviewing Chestnut.  He says he wanted 70 + dogs. I bow at the feet of an American hero. He looks happy, exhausted, strained, and like he's going to puke all over Rob Stone. Watch out Rob! Though I guess there are worse things in the world than having the barf of a champion all over your face.

Chestnut, "the Bill Belichick of the Belly" according to Richard Shea, is parading around the American flag as the crowd chants, USA! USA! USA! I've never felt better about being an American. The national anthem is playing. It's Independence Day. And Joey Chestnut has kept the title where it belongs, in the good ol' United States of America. Today is a day that will go down in history as one of America's finest moments. Joey, I think I speak for the rest of America when I say:

Thank you.