Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 3

Rick (last name deleted) Lives in NJ

My dear friend Rick, who lives in New Jersey, just recently had his bachelor party. He is a great man, and clearly, great men can only live in the greatest of all the states, New Jersey. For the bachelor party, we went to a few places in NYC (it was planned by a guy from Queens, clearly he didn't know what he was doing), but naturally, we were whisked about through the city in a limobus from - you guessed it, New Jersey.

So now, in honor of this great man from the great state of New Jersey, I present you with a few facts that sum up the kind of man Rick is. Remember while you read this: everything that is written below is 100% factual, and is certified by the Library of Congress (which is considering a relocation to New Jersey - bet you didn't know that).

When Rick gets out of his car, angels come down from heaven and lay out a red carpet for him from the car to his destination.

When Rick crosses major bridges and tunnels while driving, such as the Holland Tunnel or the George Washington Bridge, the EZ-Pass computer doesn't say "Toll Paid," it says "You're money is not good here Rick. Thank you for being you."

When Rick is driving on the Pulaski Skyway and other poor-conditioned streets, the pot holes magically close up for him before he drives over them.

Rick could re-grow hair whenever he pleases, however, he chooses to stay bald because it is his signature look. No one is bald like Rick is bald.

Strippers beg Rick to take his clothes off and dance seductively so they can watch.

Rick has been to 73 New York Yankees baseball games in his life. During those games, the Yankees are 73-0.

When people step on a Wii Fit board for the first time in their lives, it makes their characters fatter, skinnier, shorter, etc. depending on what they really look like. When Rick stepped on the Wii Fit board for the first time, the screen went blank and a phrase popped up that read, "You're perfect."

People with perfect vision see the world with 20/15 or 20/10 eyesight. Rick sees the world in 1080p HD resolution.

Rick once walked through a Crips neighborhood in Los Angeles wearing a red shirt. They left him alone, and then decided to offer him their women.

Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds took steroids because they wanted to be as strong as Rick, not because they wanted to play baseball better.

You know how when you go to a Chinese restaurant, they have 2 menus: 1 for American Chinese food and 1 for the authentic Chinese food? When Rick goes to Chinese restaurants, they hand him the Rick-only menu.

Both GM and Chrysler tried to enlist Rick's help, even before they called President Obama, in an effort to try and avoid claiming bankruptcy. However, he decided he was too busy and had better things to do.

Rick was scheduled to be on the original "Bachelor" back before he met his fiancee, however, when the network began taking applications, all of the servers crashed due to the high volume of inquiries. It turned out that 4.5 billion people all around the world applied; all 3.5 billion women on the planet, and 1 billion men, both straight and gay. The show never entered production due to the problems the network had.

Rick was once bitten by the world's most venomous snake, the Taipan, while hiking in the deserts of Australia. The snake died minutes later.

Rick was once a cameraman for the show, "Deadliest Catch." It bored him and he decided to pursue other career opportunities.

And finally...

Rick's goatee is the most perfectly groomed piece of facial hair this world has ever seen. Upon happening across Rick's goatee, God Himself asked Rick for tips on beard trimming, which Rick happily shared with him because he is so nice.

There you have it. 100% correct facts about the greatest of all great men, Rick, who lives in the greatest of all great states, New Jersey. Not surprisingly, this is but a sampling of how great Rick is. I could go on forever. If you have any 100% true facts about Rick that you would like to share, please submit them. If I can certify that they are factual, I will post them at a later date so people can gain further insight into the greatness that is Rick.