MMBF - 12/28: I'm Glad I'm Not Rich

First off, all of us here at New Jersey is Clean, Idiots hope that you and your family had a most joyous and happy holiday, whichever holiday it may be that you celebrate. And if you are a Jehovah's Witness, we also hope that you had a splendid time doing whatever it is that you do in lieu of holidays. Second, it may seem that the only thing I write anymore is the Monday Morning Brain Fart... which is correct, it is all I've been writing these days. But it was the holidays, and I was on vacation, blah blah blah... the point is, I'm back in the groove and should be back to writing my usual boring dribble more often now. wOOt wOOt!

It's well documented how much I hate Brett Favre, and his actions this past week only serve to further my argument that he should go away. Forever. He is such a shit. Like we all predicted back at the beginning of the season, he has started to ruin the Vikings' season just like he did the Jets' season last year by throwing ridiculous interceptions because he's most likely hiding the injury that his 840 year old body was inevitably going to get. But now on top of that, he's disobeying his head coach, because A) Brad Childress is a pussy, and B) Favre thinks he runs the organization. And the sad thing about the Vikings is that Favre probably does run the organization. What a bunch of pushovers: first getting on their knees and providing oral stimulation to Favre to get him to un-retire for the 7th time and play for them, and now letting him make all of the decisions for the team. Brett - you're not God. Look at Peyton Manning. He is arguably the best quarterback to ever play the game, a guy who you never were and never will be as good as, and what does he do? He listens to his coach. He doesn't create a problem with the team. He doesn't say stupid shit to the media so that there is unnecessary drama. Peyton Manning = awesome. Brett Favre = asshole.

I have to say that I would be pretty pissed off today if I was a Colts player or fan. Up 15-10 on the Jets yesterday in the 3rd quarter, with an undefeated season still in progress, Jim Caldwell pulled Peyton Manning and most of the other starters, effectively waving the white flag and giving up the game, as well as the perfect season. In came Curtis Painter (who?!) at QB, which was promptly followed by the Jets defense doing everything but sexually assaulting him on their way to a gimme victory. Caldwell should probably be tried for attempted murder with the way Painter was treated, but not only by the Jets defense, but by the Colts fans, who were so incensed with his decision to pull Peyton that they booed Painter every time he took a breathe. So now the Colts fans and players have to live with the fact that their chance at history was taken away by people who weren't actually playing the game. You can understand where they were coming from; they want the players healthy for the playoffs. But when you have a chance to do something that only 1 other team EVER has done, it has to sting a little bit to know that you now don't have a chance.

This Christmas, Santa was very good to me. I got a lot of good stuff. But in a sign of just how old I am getting, the one thing I am most excited about getting was my egg rings. That's right. Egg rings. In case you don't know, egg rings are stainless steel rings that you lay in a frying pan and crack your egg into so that the egg doesn't run all over the pan, or run to the edge of the pan if you have a crooked stove top, like I do. Now all of my eggs will be perfect circles every time, not discombobulated amoeba-shaped substances that make me angry. I used to think old people were lame for loving the kitchen utensils and pots and pans and shit that they received at Christmas, but now I understand where they're coming from. My egg rings will make my life much more enjoyable. I am... happy.



Finally, I spent the latter part of last week and Saturday searching eBay for a good deal on Giants tickets for yesterday because it was their last game ever at Giants Stadium and I wanted to be there. However, I'm not rich, and was completely priced out of the game by the absurd prices on eBay. But now I see that not being rich was a blessing in disguise, because if I had gone to that game yesterday, I would most likely be dead right now. The performance yesterday by the Giants, considering all that was on the line with playoff implications and such, as well as the fact that it was the last game ever at their home stadium, was absolutely disgraceful. They were pathetic. Embarrassing. It was one of the worst displays of football I have ever seen in my life. I won't write too much about it because the longer I go the better chance there is that my fist ends up through this wall next to me, but it needs to be said how awful the Giants were yesterday. This was the last game in their stadium's history. The last time that a lot of die-hard fans who have been priced out of the new stadium will ever see them in person. And this is what we see? They played with no pride whatsoever. Want to see what pride looks like, Giants? Look across the sideline. The Panthers had absolutely nothing to play for, and they beat the crap out of you. Look at the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They have far less talent than you, yet they beat the then 13-1 New Orleans Saints yesterday. I can understand a bad day at the office, but yesterday was no bad day. Yesterday was a prideless, gutless, embarrassing display. I took my Justin Tuck jersey off at halftime and put on my Yankees championship t-shirt, just so I could be reminded of a team that plays with heart - a team that actually cares about the uniform they put on everyday to go to work. I've never been so low as a Giants fan as I was yesterday. Absolutely disgraceful.

And on that most pleasant of notes, ugh. Another week of work.

MMBF - 12/21: The Mystery of the Sleep Shit

Good day to all on this Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year! No, that does not mean that you can leave work sooner, just that it'll be pitch black outside at about lunchtime. Awesome.

We begin today with a little bit of confusion on the part of the NFL Network. They aired the Cowgirls-Saints debacle on Saturday night that was absolutely TERRIBLE for the Giants (thank you Saints), but that has nothing to do with what I'm saying here. Apparently we were watching "Thursday Night Football"... on Saturday. And they kept saying, "We'll be right back on this Special Edition of Thursday Night Football," or "Welcome to this Special Edition of Thursday Night Football." Maybe they don't have enough money in their budget to swap out the "Thursday" with a "Saturday" in their graphics? IT WAS SATURDAY NFL NETWORK, SPECIAL EDITION OR NOT. Although since about 85% of the country still can't see that channel, maybe they thought no one would notice?

Also on Saturday night, the guys and I came up with what I think is a brilliant business idea that could become a worldwide phenomenon. Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce to you, MediocreStrippers.com! Want to get a stripper up to your hotel room, but can't afford the kind of stripper you really want? Then go to MediocreStrippers.com, where you can have your pick of the litter of some of the most mediocre-looking strippers you can find! We are flexible in our pricing, but the more you want to pay, the more mediocre she gets! Got an extra 10 bucks? We'll offer a few less teeth! Another 10? Here's comes the pregnant chick! Stretch-marks available too! Log on now to MediocreStrippers.com, for the mediocre night of your life!

So after watching Thursday Night Football on Saturday, coming up with a can't-miss business plan, and enjoying an adult beverage or 20, we decided a trip to White Castle - at 3:30 AM, in the middle of a blizzard - was a great idea! Granted, White Castle is always a great idea, but Saturday night it seemed particularly appropriate, since we were celebrating the birthday of the man who pioneered the practice of finding a random Joe in a car and having him buy your White Castle for you because only the drive-thru was open. So we made it up there, slowly-but-surely so as not to die a snowy death, and a Crave Case, 2 sacks of Chicken Rings, and 4 orders of fries later, we were in White Castle heaven. And as you would guess, we were all glued to the toilet seat the next day, re-enacting this scene from one of the hallmarks of American cinema, Dumb and Dumber.



Have you guys seen that absurd commercial for Dolce & Gabbana's new cologne, Light Blue? First off, perfume/cologne commercials are always ridiculous, portraying for us real-world moments where hot people in skimpy clothing rub up against each other in a sweaty passion, often in a public place for all to see. This particular commercial is along those same lines, with a European-looking couple giving each other the "fuck me gently" gaze while floating on an inflatable raft in a cove somewhere out in the open sea. We notice that the girl is soaking wet (from a recent swim?), yet somehow we cannot see her nipples through her shirt. Impossible. Then the camera pans down on the man for a gratuitous package shot before he lovingly attacks her to begin the love-making. HOT DAMN I WANT TO BUY ME SOME D&G COLOGNE!

And finally, on Friday my apartment-mates and I threw the 2nd Annual Secret Non-Secular Joy Giver: Post-College Edition party. Yes, I realize what non-secular means, but that was what we mistakenly named it, so it stays. BACK OFF. Anyway, lots of joy-giving occurred, and a great party was had by all, but not so much that I got the White Castle stomach that I described above - which is why the following course of events was so puzzling to me. I woke up in the middle of the night to take pee, did so, and flushed, as always. I was then shocked to see that the toilet was clogged. Typically that only happens when I make a doodie and forget to courtesy-flush, but that was not the case this time. It was just... clogged. Had I Slept Shit, I wondered? Sleep Walking is something people do, but did I break out the immortal Sleep Shit? Knowing that was a possibility, I was proud of myself, but too tired to fix the toilet, so I went back to sleep. Next morning, pee happened again, and still, the toilet was clogged. At this point, the Sleep Shit was a very real possibility in my mind. Being the professional toilet un-clogger that I am, I fixed her right up in about 4 seconds, and went on with my day, thinking that I had actually Slept Shit. You couldn't wipe the smile off of my face! Then my friends told me it was probably my girlfriend and she just didn't want to tell me. Yep. Probably that.

Ugh. Another week of work... Wait! For you, but not me! I'm on vacation!

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 12/14: Introducing the Fapster

Hola chicos y chicas. Again I apologize for the delay, but the Brain Fart is here. At least in the meantime you got to watch some dude chug what looks like pig lard. Also, you may notice that I will now be naming my Monday Morning Brain Farts, so as you can see, this entry will introduce you to the Fapster. More on that in a bit.

We'll get the sports talk out of the way quickly, since everything has gone to shit for me lately. On Saturday night I went to the Rangers game at The Garden, which was only made tolerable by the fact that we were in a suite, enjoying beer and wings in comfort while watching the Blueshirts eat dog doo. They actually held a 2-1 lead in the first period, but of course they ended up blowing it and losing the game 3-2. A team that started the year 7-1 is now under .500. Pathetic! Marian Gaborik is the only player on the team who can score, the defense is mostly crap and King Henrik has been playing more like a pauper these days. Glen Sather needs to be fired. He must have nudies of James Dolan or something, because his absurd level of job security is ridiculous.

And then of course there are the Giants, a team that continues to prove to me that they are not a winning football team. They are absolutely incapable of making the plays that need to be made in order to win the game. In a game where Eli Manning played as good as you'll ever see, throwing for 391 yards and 3 touchdowns while leading the Giants to 38 points, they STILL lost. This defense cannot stop anyone, and it's never more apparent then when we play the Eagles, who own us the way we own the Cowgirls these days. We can't stop Donovan McNabb. We can't stop DeSean Jackson. We can't stop shit. Despite being down 30-17 because of a Brandon Jacobs fumble that Sheldon Brown returned for a touchdown and a Jackson punt return for a touchdown, the offense fought back to actually take a 31-30 lead... that we had for 15 seconds. It took ONE PLAY for the Eagles to score on a bomb to Jackson. ONE PLAY. This defense is embarrassing. It's appalling. It's just completely unbelievable that a team with the defensive history and tradition that the Giants have can be this bad. Bill Sheridan needs to go. Chris Canty and Rocky Bernard are absolute busts. We have no pass rush. We need more athletic linebackers. We need a cornerback that can hang with DeSean Jackson. We need better safeties. And this is just on the defensive side of the ball. Don't get me started on Kevin Gilbride's play-calling, the offensive-line, Mario Manningham, and the dropped passes. This team makes me want to jump off my balcony. And if the fall doesn't kill me, jump into the Hudson River so my skin melts off.

Among other things, NBC needs to stop doing those stupid little puff-pieces called, "Great Moments in Tailgate History." Basically, what happens is that a couple of time-travelers driving a Toyota pickup drive up to a football tailgate and see when the chicken wing was invented, of the foam finger, or whatever. The people who invent the particular item that the piece is about make a bad joke, then the assholes in the Toyota make a joke, then you cut your wrist because it is one of the least funny things you have ever seen. Stop it, NBC. Please.

While watching TV on Saturday, we came across a commercial for a thing called a Pajama-gram, which is basically giving your wife and/or girlfriend ("and" if you're Tiger Woods) pajamas that come in the mail with a little note. The whole commercial has these women trying on their comfy pajamas, and modeling them for their husbands/boyfriends who have these shit-eating grins on their faces. The narrator keeps saying how much your woman will love it, how comfortable they are, how sexy they are, blah blah blah. I didn't find anything too much sexy about it though, so I decided I would come up with some more appropriate slogans for the company:

"Pajama-Grams! So comfortable, your wife will go to sleep before she even thinks about giving you sex!"

"Pajama-Grams! Buy your wife something that leaves absolutely everything to the imagination!"

"Pajama-Grams! Hopefully your woman isn't superficial and doesn't mind that you're cheap!"

"Pajama-Grams! So comfortable, they make your wife dance awkwardly for you in the bedroom while you smile and cop wood! Don't count on her doing anything about it though. She's too comfortable!"

Got any other catchy slogans for the Pajama-Gram? Comment, or email them to me at jerseyisbest@gmail.com and I'll post them.

I was at a party on Saturday that was filled with many a New York City hipster. If you're unfamiliar with who exactly a hipster is, let me lay out for you the criteria a person needs to meet to become one:

1) You absolutely must listen to very obscure indie music. If your entire iTunes library contains any artist someone has heard of, you're not a true hipster.

2) You're pants have to be ridiculously tight. If your nuts are not showing through your jeans, you're not a hipster.

3) You own over 20 different beanies, and always have one of them on at any given time, regardless of current setting and/or dress code.

4) Your hair must be long and stringy. No hipster can be clean cut or have a thick, full-bodied coif.

5) Vintage clothing shops are your wet dream. You own a lot of cardigans, sweater vests, and regular tuxedo vests that you purchased from them.

6) You may work for a major corporation, but that's just a stop-gap to your dream of working for a non-profit and changing the world.

7) And last but not least, and I cannot stress this enough - you must, must, must be entirely too skinny. I'm talking heroine chic here. If you are above 3% body fat, you cannot be a hipster, no questions asked. Or at least I thought...

...until Saturday night, when I encountered the Fapster. The Fapster, or Fat Hipster, is a mythical creature, not unlike the unicorn. He is truly unique in his environment, and stands out from his hipster friends. I was truly amazed at what I saw. A hipster... that was obese! WHAT?!?!? This particular Fapster was of course wearing too-tight pants, which were quite unflattering, a striped shirt with a tuxedo vest, a beanie, and Chuck Taylor's. Classic hipster, nay... classic Fapster. And to put the icing on the cake, the Fapster I happened upon was absurdly annoying, to the point where I wanted to rip out his gross, stringy hair, light it on fire, and shove it straight up his ass. Avoid the Fapster at all costs. You've been warned.

Ugh. Another week of work. But at least it's already Tuesday!

I thought soda was good for you?

Children,

First let me offer my most sincere apologies for the lack of the Monday Morning Brain Fart on this traffic and aggravation-filled December Monday. I know you all yearn for it like Tiger Woods yearns for sex with ugly chicks, but unfortunately I am entirely too busy to write it this morning, and clearly I was in no mood to write it last night after watching the G-Men put forth one of the worst defensive performances I have ever seen. You can rest easy however knowing that it will be posted at some point in your lives, no later than tomorrow morning.

So in the meantime I thought I would show you this wonderful PSA that really makes drinking soda look wonderfully appealing.



Well, guess I'll just stick to beer!

Random Musings from the Sports World

Welcome to New York, Curtis
As I'm sure you heard if you care about baseball, the Yankees, Diamondbacks, and Tigers engaged in a little menage a trois this past week which resulted in the Yankees getting CF Curtis Granderson from Detroit. To get him, they gave up Austin Jackson, Ian Kennedy, and Phil Coke. I love the deal. As far as the players we gave up go, I don't mind losing Phil Coke. He was good last year, but tailed off towards the end of the year and didn't have a good playoffs, and with Damaso Marte dominating at the end of the season, we have our lefty out of the bullpen. Kennedy I don't care about giving up either as he was a head case who most likely was never going to get a shot in our rotation anytime soon anyway. And while Jackson is arguably the organization's top prospect, at this point, he's just that: a prospect. Ideally, he turns into what Curtis Granderson is now, so why not get Granderson already in his prime? Granderson has the potential to hit 40 homers in Yankee Stadium, drive in 90-100 runs, score 100 runs, and steal 20 bases. Plus, he'll plays a great centerfield. Yes, I know he has trouble with lefties. But it's not like teams are rushing to throw lefties against the Yankees, with guys like Derek Jeter, A-Rod, Mark Teixeira in the lineup - all good hitters against lefties. Also, the AL East really only has one dominant lefty in the division not on the Yankees: Jon Lester. Great deal for the Yanks.

Flozell Adams is a Bitch
I used to think that Brian Dawkins was the dirtiest player in the NFL, but this year has drastically changed my opinion. I still hate Dawkins, but a new player have moved to the forefront of my shitlist: Flozell Adams. First, in week 2, Adams got beat by Justin Tuck (as usual), so he tripped him, which resulted in Tuck landing awkwardly on his shoulder and tearing his labrum. He also tried to trip Osi in that game. Bitch. Then this past week when the Giants broke out the brooms and swept the Cowgirls, Adams took a cheap shot at Tuck at the end of the first half, decking him from behind when he wasn't looking. Bitch. If you're going to hit a man, at least look him in the face. Then when the entire Giants team came at him, he stuck his hand in Mathias Kiwanuka's eyes. Bitch. After the game, when told of Tuck calling him a "dirtbag" to the media, Adams said, "He's a nobody." Hey Flozell, why don't you go see that nobody, because he's got a big, shiny piece of jewelry to show you. Bitch. I also CAN NOT BELIEVE he wasn't suspended by the NFL. A fine means nothing to these rich bastards, Roger. Unbelievable. BITCH.

The Steelers Offensive Line is Shit
And not only this year, but they were last year, when they won the Super Bowl. But because they won the Super Bowl, the Steelers hierarchy was fooled into thinking that they were actually a good unit, which is completely false. They sucked last year. Scotty, a Steelers fan, agrees with me. So some of them were signed to extensions, which was obviously a bad idea, because I am watching them get owned at this very moment by the Cleveland Browns. Yes, the Cleveland Browns. Who are 1-11. I think I am witnessing one of the worst performances by an offensive line I have ever seen. Big Ben has absolutely no time to throw the ball. He looks like he just fell off a motorcycle while traveling at high speeds without a helmet on. It's a feeling he's familiar with, I believe.

The World Cup Draw! Was last week...
So I'm a week late in my analysis, SUE ME. The Americans were drawn into Group C with England, Algeria, and Slovenia. Like everyone else, I think it's a great draw for us. England is obviously the favorite in the group, and we'll have a chance to send a message early because we play them in our first game. But they are England, and it will be incredibly difficult. Algeria and Slovenia are two of the World Cup's lesser-regarded countries, which is why the US is favored to get through the group, but they shouldn't be taken lightly. Algeria beat a very good Egypt team in a do-or-die playoff for the last African qualification spot, and Slovenia is a very good defensive team that is very tough to break down. But hopefully the Americans can move on, and we can make some noise and make up for our shit showing in 2006. U-S-A!

My Thawghts on Jersey Shore!

As a fan of VH1, I've seen some supa trashy TV. I like, love Rawk of Love, Flava of Love, Daisy of Love, Tool Academy, and I Love New Yawk. But lemme tell yous, they ain't holdin' NO candle to Jersey Shore! This show takes the cake in being ridiculously absurd, with the booze, the bitches, the tans, the steroids... Words can't describe how like, unbelievable this show is.

Lemme introduce yous to da cast!

(I'm done typing like this now. It's giving me a headache.)



Angelina - Staten Island, NY
Claims to be all natural, and likes to tell everyone about it. Loudly. Over and over again. Then one more time. Then again after that. In fact, she never shuts up.

J-WOWWW - Franklin Square, NY
Her real name is Jenni, and apparently her nickname comes from what guys say when she enters a bar, most likely because her tatters are hanging out all over the place. Has a boyfriend and wants to remain faithful, but cheats on him within the first half hour of the show. Not a good start.

The Situation - Manalapan, NJ
Our man Mike calls himself the Situation because he has nice abs. Girls apparently call him The Situation because they like his... situation? I call him an idiot. I also just read on Wikipedia that his actual name is Mike Hunt. Yep. I'd go by The Situation too if that was the case.

Snooki - Marlboro, NY
Nicole goes by this ridiculous name, and though we're never told what it means, I think I do. I believe Snooki is German for "fugly; busted; has taken too many shots in the face." She looks like the first picture you would see in the "Plastic Surgery: What Not To Do" handbook. And yet she thinks she's hot. Odd.

Pauly D - Johnston, RI
Our friend Paul here is a DJ, with the most out-of-control blowout you will ever see. He takes 25 minutes to do his hair. He also has a tanning bed in his house. I find it hard to believe he's actually a man.

Ronnie - Bronx, NY
He is the token steroid freak of the house, who I assume will have some sort of roid-rage episode during this season where he goes nuts and beats the shit out of all the women and then sets fire to the house. This could get interesting.

Sammi - Hazlet, NJ
"Sweetheart" says that she's a sweetheart, but only for the first week or two of your relationship, then she tears your heart out and runs it over with a car. Sign me up!

Vinny - Staten Island, NY
Vinny. From Staten Island. No way!

First, let me point out to you that only 2 of these people are from New Jersey. Therefore, these schmucks are not a completely accurate representation of the people from New Jersey. If MTV wanted to make a real Jersey Shore show, they should have gotten all of the people actually from New Jersey. Half-assed MTV. Half-assed.

Second, I think it's funny that these people think they're real Italians, and that real Italians have to have blowouts/extensions, huge muscles/fake boobies, tans so fake that they look orange, and that they have to speak like they were held back in kindergarten for 4 years due to speech impediments. I was raised in an Italian family. I have family all over Jersey, Staten Island and Brooklyn. It's not actually like this. Trust me.

Third, I'm still going to watch every episode of this show because it is AWESOME! Few things make for better TV than a good train wreck, and this show is the Titanic of train wrecks. So if you love watching people make asses of themselves, drink too much, make bad decisions, get in fights, and make you feel good about your own life like I do, then I highly suggest Jersey Shore. You need this show in your life.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 12/7

Good day to you all on this delightful / snowy / mild / freezing / hot / rainy / humid / temperate (please choose one) December Monday - the last, first Monday of any month in 2009, which of course is the 4th to last year that this planet will exist, according to John Cusack.

Dear Tiger Woods,

You have a hot Swedish supermodel as a wife. You have 2 children. You are the first billionaire athlete. You are telling us that this is not good enough. Idiot.

So you cheat with a variety of women, ranging from party planners, to cocktail waitresses, to a manager at Perkins. Then you show how stupid you are by sending them text messages and leaving them voicemails, all things that can be saved and given to various reputable publications such as the National Enquirer. Idiot.

The only good thing to come out of this for you is that one of the women said you were great in bed and have a huge dong. Congratulations! Still an idiot.

Love,
New Jersey is Clean, Idiots.

Saturday was a big day in college football, with various conference championship games playing out across the country. I watched the Pitt-Cincinnati game, which for all intents and purposes was the Big East Championship game, and believe me when I say this: it was one of the best football games I have ever seen. Back and forth they went throughout the whole game, until Pitt scored a touchdown to go up 44-38, only for their kicker to screw the pooch and miss the extra point. Cincy made them pay of course, scoring a touchdown of their own with about 30 seconds left, but actually making the extra point, and winning 45-44. I hope the Pitt kicker wasn't hoping to get laid anytime soon. The other game I watched was the SEC Championship game between Florida and Alabama, which did not end up being the uber-competitive game it was made out to be because Alabama beat the piss out of Florida. Afterwards, the CBS cameras caught Tim Tebow crying his eyes out on the sideline. Alabama better watch out! God does not take too kindly to teams who hurt the feelings of His quarterback. They will rue the day they made The Great Tim Tebow cry! (If you hadn't already figured it out, I'm mocking Tebow. What a weenie.)



I'm sure you've all seen those weird Levi's Jeans "Go Forth" ads by now. They use the words of Walt Whitman, mixed with some artsy bullshit camera work and editing, to portray a sense of optimism for a new America in a time of pessimism (or at least that's what I found in a google search, I honestly have no clue what the hell they're trying to say). How does this make me want to buy jeans? You wouldn't even know it was a jeans commercial with all that pretentious nonsense going on there if it wasn't for the Levi's logo thrown up at the end. They should take a lesson from Brett Favre. Now THAT guy knows how to sell jeans!

I'm sure you also are familiar with those DirecTV ads where it looks like a scene from a movie or a music video, only the star turns towards the camera and talks about how awesome DirecTV is (which it is, by the way). The latest new one features Christina Aguilera in a music video for some song that sounds like all her other songs. Now, she used to be hot, but... oh boy. She looks like some weird, gothic stepford wife. Christina, do us all a favor and ease up on the makeup. You're scaring the children.

And now we move on to the Giants - SWEET CHRIST THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! We broke out the brooms and swept the Cowgirls for the first time in 5 years, playing our first good game in a long while. Now we're right back in the mix for the playoffs. We finally committed to running the ball, and as a result, the offense got back on track, made some big plays, and put some points on the board. The defense stopped the run like they used to be able to, holding a team who had run for 250 yards last week to a paltry 45. And for once, the special teams played a good game, with Domenick Hixon's 79-yard punt return in the 4th quarter proving to be the winning points. I couldn't remember the last time we returned a punt for a touchdown before today - we never do that! Osi Umenyiora made some plays in response to his benching by Tom Coughlin, Brandon Jacobs had a huge 74-yard reception touchdown, Aaron Rouse I thought actually played a pretty decent game, and Steve Smith and Hakeem Nicks made big plays at wide receiver. I do have some gripes, like Bruce Johnson continuing to get abused by big wide receivers, Bill Sheridan still insisting on dropping our defensive linemen into coverage (STOP DOING THAT BILL, IT NEVER WORKS AND IS COMPLETELY STUPID), and the aforementioned Steve Smith dropping an easy touchdown, but I'll save the extensive complaining for another day. Today is a day to savor a huge victory, a victory that we can hopefully build off of and take this momentum into our next biggest game of the season against Philly next week. Let's make the Eagles pay for that beatdown they gave us earlier in the season boys!

Ugh. Another week of work.

An NYC/JC Adventure

Last week, while I was on staycation, my woman and I embarked on an adventure of epic proportions - an adventure that would make me the envy of those who know me, and make those who don't know me wish they knew me so that they could envy me like the people who know me.

I used to live the The Heights, one of the sections of Jersey City that is "up and coming." Unfortunately my experience there tells me that "up and coming" actually means "place where your car gets stolen." Granted, it wasn't my car, but it hurts all the same. RIP Stryker. May you rest in peace in that tow pound in the sky...

Anyway, whenever we went out in the city or to Hoboken while living in the Heights and took the PATH home, we had 2 delightful food options to assuage our drunken hunger when we returned home. The first was Deli Plus, a wonderful delicatessen inside the Journal Square PATH Station. Option number 2 was White Castle, just a few steps from the train and on our way home. At Deli Plus, you can get the most excellent turkey sandwiches found on God's green earth, while at White Castle you could either gorge yourself on sliders that smelled and tasted the same coming out the next day as they did going in, or feast on a tasty sack of chicken rings dipped in White Castle's signature honey mustard. Suffice it to say, those two places hold a special place in the hearts of those of us who lived in the Heights, and ever since we've moved to a different part of the JC, we've spoken about one night bypassing our PATH stop and going all the way back to Journal Square and re-living the glory days of yore. Well, since I didn't have to work all last week, that night finally arrived for me. Of course, I documented the whole night in photographs. Please enjoy my photo essay.

The night began for the woman and I at the Rangers - Columbus Blue Jackets game at Madison Square Garden. It was a rousing 7-4 victory for the Rangers; a fantastic game to watch. Too bad they suck now.



From the Ranger game, we continued on to McSorley's, the greatest bar in New York City, hands down. I'm not kidding. It's that awesome.



After a long night of drinkin' some of NYC's finest, we headed back to the JC on the PATH, going all the way to Journal Square in search for the Holy Grail of food.



With a half hour between trains to get back home, we had precious little time to make our dreams come true. First we left the PATH and ran to White Castle.



We suffered our first setback here, as the restaurant proper was closed; only the drive-thru remained open, and White Castle doesn't allow walk-ups. So we did what we always used to do in this situation: we wait for someone to drive up, and we convince them to get food for us if we give them money. This delightful young man in my blurry photo was kind enough to help us out.



The kind gentleman placed our order: 6 cheeseburgers, 4 chicken ring sandwiches with cheese, and a sack of chicken rings. My mouth was watering, and my pants grew ever tighter. We walked around the building and sat on the curb, waiting for the goods to be delivered. When our bag of gold was given to our friend, he flashed his headlights at us and we went to the car to receive our prize. 1 down, 1 to go.



With our first bag of happiness in hand, we headed back to Journal Square to complete our mission. We got to the station, headed down the escalator, and entered our deli sanctuary.



Turkey Sandwiches of Ecstasy in hand, we headed down to the platform...



...just as the train was arriving. Perfect timing, for the perfect night of perfect culinary treats.



We got back to Newport, and headed up the tunnel from the platform...



...walked down the street past the classiest adult beverage establishment in the JC...



...and arrived at home to feast.



Post-gluttony, we retired to our slumber at around 3:00 AM. It was the slumber of champions, the kind of slumber that you only read and hear about in great tales of mythology. Suffice it to say, I was happy. Suffice it also to say, I shit my brains out at 6:30 AM. And yes, it smelled like White Castle.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/30

Welcome to the new week, all. And welcome to said new week's edition of the Monday Morning Brain Fart! I can hear the angels singing now!

This past weekend was of course the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. We here at New Jersey is Clean, Idiots hope that you enjoyed all of your time spent with family, friends and great food. As I've said many times before and will continue to say until my last breathe, it is the greatest holiday on the planet. Mine was awesome despite the fact that all of the New York teams that I like tried to ruin it for me. The Giants put forth one of the more pathetic performances I have ever seen out of them in their Thanksgiving night game at Denver, and the Rangers lost their 2 games over the weekend against the Lightning and Penguins by a combined score of 13-4. I will say nothing more about these teams for fear of throwing my girlfriend's computer off of our 18th floor balcony.

Scotty and I were having a textversation (trademark it!) about the fledgling United Football League and how the season started and ended... without anyone actually knowing about it. It brings to mind the argument about if a tree falls in the forest without anyone seeing it, did it actually happen? The league has only 4 teams: the Las Vegas Locos, the Florida Tuskers, the New York Sentinels, and the California Redwoods. First off, dumb names. The season apparently started on October 8, and culminated this past weekend with the 1st championship game between the Locos and the Tuskers, which the Locos won. A few notes about your UFL Champion Locos: 1) Their head coach is Jim Fassel! I love Jim! I never understood why he couldn't get another head coaching job in the NFL after leaving the Giants. Maybe this championship will be his big break! 2) More Giants blood - Sam Garnes is a defensive assistant coach. I was a big fan of the old Sam Garnes - Shaun Williams safety combo. 3) More former Giants! Adrian Awasom and Ross Kolodziej - No wonder the Locos are champions! 4) Graham Gano from Florida St. is their kicker. Cordes and I were watching him in college last year and decided he was awesome and we should draft him to replace Lawrence Tynes. Now, he apparently can't get an NFL kicking job and is stuck in the UFL... and I still believe we should get him to replace Tynes. 5) The Locos starting quarterback, and the league's marquee player is... JP Losman. Yeah, this league will last........

Last year in fantasy baseball I dubbed Indians CF Grady Sizemore the "Man Crush." I gave him this name because he was a great ballplayer who plays the game the right way, and he is a pretty boy. Well this past year he was either injured or shit, so in my eyes, he has lost that nickname. Apparently he does not agree, and has taken my nickname just a bit too seriously:

Click me, peruse the photos, and come back!

UPDATE: The original link with a ton of photos was taken down. This link you see now is a different one I found quickly that doesn't have nearly as much.

Grady?! Seriously?!!??!?! You have to know this shit is going to come out at some point and you will become the laughing stock of baseball. My girlfriend's favorite photo is the one where he covers his nuts with a coffee mug. I hope fans in rival stadiums next year are creative and use these photos to taunt him. There is a lot of good material here.

If you watch Fox NFL Sunday, then you've seen those atrocious Verizon Football Focus (or whatever the hell it's called) commercials that air right before the 1:00 kickoff, which star some random chick named Rebecca Grant. Rebecca never actually says the names of teams, but instead uses catchy phrases like, "Let's see if the Birds can get in sync at the Linc today!" But her worst transgression against society is the horrendous plastic surgery she's sporting. Seriously Rebecca, did you have to put that much of your ass in your cheeks, making them that immobile and puffy? You look like 2 bees stung you in your face - one in each cheek - but instead of rubbing some ointment on them to make the swelling go down, you sprayed liquid nitrogen on them to freeze them and keep the swollen look forever. Your surgeon should have his license taken away, and you should be replaced by a chick who is actually hot. For shame.

I enjoyed Rex Ryan employing a new secret code with Mark Sanchez so that he would stop throwing so many damn interceptions. Basically, Ryan would have code words (or colors or whatever) that he would say/show to Sanchez to let Sanchez know how he should approach that moment in the game, be it conservatively, aggressively, or anything in between. Let's say he used the red/yellow/green of a stop light for Sanchez:

Red - Play conservatively. No mistakes here, let's be safe.
Yellow - Take what the defense gives you and make a play.
Green - Go for broke, interceptions be damned! We need a big play here!

I guess it worked, since Sanchez only threw one interception and the Jets won. And that got me thinking - what if other notable folks were given the stoplight secret code in their lives?

Pacman Jones
Red - Don't go in that strip club, Pac. It'll only lead to trouble.
Yellow - You can look but don't touch. A stripper is meant to be admired.
Green - Make it rain!

Plaxico Burress
Red - Let's stay in tonight, Plax. I hear Antonio Pierce has a Netflix account!
Yellow - You can head to the bar, but keep things low-key. We don't want any trouble.
Green - Hit the town with your glock, son! Reckless abandon is the key to success!

Elin Woods
Red - I'm sure the stories are false. Tiger would never cheat on you.
Yellow - I doubt Tiger cheated, but let's hire a private investigator to follow him, just in case.
Green - Grab that fairway metal and beat the shit out of that cheating mother(beeeep)!!!

Bill Clinton
Red - The Oval Office is sacred, like marriage, and should never be tarnished.
Yellow - It's ok to see Monica on the side, but let's keep it under wraps.
Green - Sacred institution my ass! Get under that desk, woman!

Ray Lewis
Red - Let's have a quiet, small Super Bowl party at your house. Close family and friends only.
Yellow - Let's go see the game at a bar, but beware of drunk people getting too crazy.
Green - That dude disrespected your crew?! Let's beat his ass!.... Uh oh.

OJ Simpson
Red - Things just didn't work out with Nicole. Let's take time to recover, then find a new love.
Yellow - Maybe you should try and reconcile with Nicole. You still love her, after all.
Green - Ronald Goldman doesn't deserve her! Let's k--- wait. A jury acquitted you. You didn't do nuthin!

Anyone else have any good examples of people in real life getting the Mark Sanchez secret code treatment? Email them to me at jerseyisbest@gmail.com and I'll post the best ones, along with a few more of my own.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family, from all of us here at New Jersey is Clean, Idiots.

As you all know, Thanksgiving is held in the highest regard by us, as it is the greatest of all the great holidays. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the turkey, the cranberries, the sweet potato casserole, the stuffing, and all the rest of your feast, as well as the... Lions? And... Raiders? And the....... Cowboys? GROSS.

BUT AT LEAST THE G-MEN ARE ON TONIGHT TO REDEEM US ALL!!! Send them your thoughts and prayers, as a Giants victory will not only make this holiday complete for me, but will cure world hunger. Trust me.

UPDATE: World hunger continues on. The Giants are the worst team in football. Unwatchable. Frustrating. Pathetic. I could go on forever.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/23

It was a laid-back weekend for yours truly, as he embarked on a 9-day staycation from work that is absolutely necessary. Lots of sleep, laying-around, being lazy, eating, not working out, playing video games, eating more, still not working out, and more laying around await. Plus the greatest holiday in the world, Thanksgiving, is coming on Thursday. You can't imagine how excited I am.

We'll begin with the Notre Dame - UConn game. My brother went to UConn so I've become somewhat of a fan of the Huskies, and it was great to see them beat the not-so-mighty Golden Domers and more or less seal the fate of Charlie Weis as another failed coach from the Belichick coaching tree. The most important thing about this game though was UConn getting its first win since star cornerback Jasper Howard was murdered about a month ago. It was nice to see them finally be able to celebrate a win after going through so much. And Charlie Weis? PEACE.

If you ever take any piece of advice from me (though you really always should since I know everything), do this one thing: buy the new Star Trek movie on Blu-Ray. I am not a trekkie by any stretch of the imagination, in fact, I had absolutely no idea what was going on in the movie the first time I saw it, nor did I know any of the characters. But believe me when I tell you, it... is.... AWESOME. Words cannot describe how good it looks in Blu-Ray. You need this movie in your life.

Oh WHAT?! Jimmie Johnson won his 4th straight NASCAR championship?! Wait... no one cares about NASCAR. Shut up.

The Snuggie is taking over the planet. According to their latest commercial, not only are people wearing them when cold on their couches, they are now wearing them out to sporting events, wearing them to parties with other people wearing Snuggies, and actually DANCING IN THEM! What a versatile piece of clothing! They also now come in great designer prints, like leopard and zebra, so when you're not wearing them you can use them as a great-looking throw on your couch. Because obviously, everyone loves having a dead zebra skin laying over their couch. The Snuggie is going too far. It must be stopped.

I was lucky enough to go to the most important game of the year for the New York Football Giants on Sunday (thank you Cordes), which they ended up winning in overtime over the Falcons, 34-31. First off, thank God they won. They needed this game in the worst way after losing 4 in a row prior to the bye week. Hopefully this gets us back on track. But second, despite our victory, this defense has some serious problems. This was the second game in a row where they failed to stop the opposing team from driving down for a touchdown when it mattered most. They can't get pressure on the quarterback, they can't cover any tight end in this league, and the middle of the field is always wide-open against them. Something needs to be done, because our supposedly amazing defense is pretty mediocre, at best. Also, I would get on Kevin Gilbride for another poorly-called game, but Eli played great and we scored 34 points, so maybe I'm just an idiot. And of course, Lawrence Bleeping Tynes missed another field goal. I really, really, REALLY hate him.

The San-chise is absolutely killing the Jets, but you already knew that. The Patriots started quickly against them, but after the Jets made the game close at 24-14, he just began throwing every pass he possibly could to the other team, and of course the Patriots ended up winning big. He certainly began the year good, but Mark Sanchez has taken some significant steps backward. Not a lot of good going on with the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS these days.

Reason #487 Why I Don't Understand Women: On Sunday, my girlfriend and her friends, one of which is engaged to be married, went to some classy wedding dress store that is on a TV show (I forget the name) to try on dresses, knowing full-well that they weren't going to buy one because they are so insanely expensive. They went to just try them on. To just look at them. To see their friend in a dress and sob quietly while they sipped champagne. That's fun? Am I missing something? I just don't get it.

Ugh. Another week of wor - OH WAIT, NEVERMIND! I'M ON VACATION BIOTCHES!!!

Me at work

Hence the lack of posts.

Lo siento para todo el mundo.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/16

My apologies for the dearth of posting this past week, but as I said last week, I had been infected with the Ebola Virus... or just a bad cold. Either way, writing was the last thing on my mind as I was too preoccupied with my Madden 10 franchise, coughing, sleeping, watching season 2 of Raising the Bar, coughing, sleeping, sweating, and then playing more Madden. 2 things - 1) When playing Madden 10, make Pat White your quarterback, and use Miami's playbook and run the wildcat. Then thank me later. 2) Raising the Bar is awesome. Don't dismiss it as just another courtroom drama, because it isn't. It has Zack Morris. 'Nuff said.

So anyway, I was able to achieve a level of healthiness by the end of the week that allowed for my attendance at one of our country's great traditions this past weekend: the Cortaca Jug. For those not in the know, it is the annual battle in football between the greatest college in the world, Ithaca College, and the shittiest college in the world, Cortland St. The rivalry is a heated one, but we're better, as shown by Ithaca's 39-26-3 lead in the series, and 34-17 advantage in games since the Jug was introduced. But the end result, as far as I'm concered, is always in Ithaca's favor, because there are only 2 results in the game. They are:

1) We win.

2) They win, but we know that one day Cortland students will either be working for us, or scrubbing our shitters once we leave our place of work for the day. It's simple.

As you would expect, Ithaca prevailed 23-20, because not only are we better at football, but we're better people. Trust me - it's science. And as far as the rest of the weekend goes, we took part in some of the finer aspects of life that Ithaca has to offer that I will perhaps get into greater detail in at a later date. A lot of it involves alcohol and food, if you must know.

I didn't really get to see any football yesterday except for the Colts-Patriots Sunday nighter that I passed out in during the 3rd quarter because my body had gone through too much torture the previous two days. I was delighted to see that the Pats had lost though when I saw the highlights this morning, because whenever a team from The Nation loses, it's good in my book. I have to say I support Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th and 2 at the end there though. If you have a chance to end the game, you take it. Love the aggressiveness. Love that they didn't get it. Another excellent development from yesterday was that the Giants actually didn't lose! Sure, they didn't play, but who cares?

Yesterday, me and the guys got into a spirited debate about what happened at the end of A League of Their Own. I think Dottie dropped the ball on purpose because she is the supportive, older sister who realized the game meant more to her little sister Kit than it did to her. Dottie is too good a player to drop that ball by accident. THE BALL IS RIGHT IN HER GLOVE. IT'S NOT POSSIBLE TO MESS THAT PLAY UP. SHE DID IT ON PURPOSE. Others think that she actually did drop the ball by accident, and that Kit's team won on their own merits. Nope, sorry. Dottie dropped the ball on purpose. Your thoughts?

Ugh. Another week of work.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/9

Not too much to talk about in what was a pretty uneventful weekend for me. My girlfriend was sick all last week, and I tried my best to avoid contracting the plague: sleeping in our freezing living room all week, avoiding all contact whenever possible, wearing those hazmat suits you remember from Outbreak whenever I entered our bedroom. But like Rene Russo got the Motaba Virus anyway when she was pricked in the finger with the needle, I too was compromised and now am sick myself. So what is a sick guy to do? Watch sports, of course.

First, we'll begin with the Knicks to get that out of the way. They suck. Hard. Ok that's enough of them.

Second, the Rangers. They suck too apparently. In Calgary on Saturday, Chris Drury took an elbow to the head, a cheapshot that all 4 refs on the ice missed. And not only that, but one of the refs was 5 FEET FROM DRURY WHEN IT HAPPENED AND HE STILL DIDN'T SEE IT. So in hockey, when the refs miss something like that, you take justice into your own hands and beat the shit out of the guy who did it, in this case Curtis Glencross. Donald Brashear, who we never should have signed in the first place, is useless and hurt, so I figured it would be up to Sean Avery to get the job done. He did not. Did anyone else? No. So Glencross walked away scot-free, having taken our captain out of the game. Not only do we suck, but now we're soft. Fantastic. And now with Brandon Dubinsky out for 6 weeks with a broken hand, we are really screwed at the center position. Things are not looking good.

Finally, the New York Football Giants, who continued their streak of ineptitude with their 4th-straight loss, this time to the San Diego Chargers. At least this one wasn't a complete embarrassment like the previous games against the Eagles and Saints, but it was just as heart-breaking nonetheless. Lawrence Tynes began things by fucking up a simple field goal, as he is want to do a lot. This time though, he didn't actually miss the field goal, he just didn't bother to kick it. Snap was good, Feagles put the ball down, Tynes ran up - and just stood there. What an asshole. Told you this would happen.

The Giants did actually play an okay game though, with Eli looking pretty good for the first time in 4 weeks. The defense as well was decent, though they were bailed out by a bunch of drops by the Chargers' receivers, most notably Antonio Gates, that may have given the game a different look. But they did have a chance to win the game, and should have sewn it up after Terrell Thomas picked off Philip Rivers with just over 2 minutes to go in the game and returned it to the Chargers' 4 yard line. But in typical Giants fashion, they screwed the pooch in the redzone, committing a bad holding penalty and playing conservatively, ultimately settling for a field goal that assface actually made. This drove me nuts. GO FOR THE TOUCHDOWN TOM. At worst, we don't get it, and we kick a field goal anyway. At best, we score a touchdown and put the game away. But running 2 straight draw plays up the middle with Brandon Jacobs (who by the way only had 11 carries all game - inexcusable) is ridiculous and showing no confidence in your team.

Predictably, San Diego drove down the field with ease and scored the winning touchdown afterwards, which was frustrating because the defense had completely shut them down in their previous 2 possessions, but when it really mattered, they choked. The key play was the 21-yard completion to Darren Sproles that we all knew was coming because Bill Sheridan called an all-out blitz that left the middle of the field wide-open even though we always get killed in the middle of the field. What an idiot, especially because our all-out blitzes never get to the quarterback anyway. It was a depressing, heart-breaking end to a game we should have won. Oh and one more thing - WHAT THE HELL IS JUSTIN TUCK DOING COVERING ANTONIO GATES?!?!?! WE SIGNED MICHAEL BOLEY TO COVER TIGHT ENDS, NOT TO BLITZ HIM AND DROP ONE OF THE BEST DEFENSIVE LINEMAN IN THE LEAGUE INTO COVERAGE. Thank God for the Yankees, because otherwise, New York sports is in the toilet right now.

Ugh. Another week of work.

27

Soak it in, ladies and gentlemen. The New York Yankees are World Series Champions for the 27th time!

Andy Pettitte did what he does best in Game 6. He didn't have his best stuff, but he gutted out a win in the deciding game, which is exactly what he did in the Division Series against the Twins and the Championship Series against the Angels. Mike Francesca, I expect you to eat a little crow today, but I highly doubt it given the size of your ego. I would imagine you'll just deny you ever said that basically Andy was going to get killed in Game 6 because he was on short rest. Idiot. There wasn't another pitcher on this planet that we would rather have had out on that mound in this game other than Andy.

As for the rest of the Yanks, Hideki Matsui was as clutch as you could be with 6 RBIs last night, tying the record set by Bobby Richardson in 1960. He was rightly named the Series MVP, batting .615 with 3 HRs and 8 RBIs. Unreal. The Captain had a great series, batting over .400, CC pitched phenomenally in both his starts, Damaso Marte was flawless out of the bullpen, Alex Rodriguez had some big hits in big spots, Johnny Damon had some of the biggest at-bats you'll ever see, plus the Series' defining moment in Game 4 with his double-steal in the 9th, and of course, the greatest closer in the history of the game, Mariano Rivera, was on-hand to shut down the Phillies at the end. It was an incredible end to an incredible series.

Canyon of Heroes, here we come!

No more dirty catheters!

I always hate when I constantly have to re-use my dirty catheters, and I'm sure you do too. But now there's a solution!



Thank God for the Medical Care Club!

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 11/2: Tuesday Edition

My apologies for the lack of Farting (blogly speaking of course, my roommates would attest to literal farting occurring) yesterday, but I was mucho busy. So instead of just delving into our past weekend, we'll delve into our past weekend with an added sprinkling of Monday night flavor to satisfy your palettes.

Saturday was Halloween as you all know, so the woman and I ventured off to some yonder bar in New York City for a good ol' fashioned Halloween hoe down. I was Plaxico Burress, immediately following his infamous incident at the Latin Quarter last November. I had my Burress jersey (one of the worst purchases ever) on, gigantic sweatpants with a ton of blood on the left leg, icy whites, and a visor angled to the side. It was GANGSTA. My beau was that annoying chick from the Progressive commercials, but I have to give her a credit for a job well done. The costume was awesome.

We attended the festivities with the Unabomber, Carmen Sandiego, Aldes Snow, Wonder Woman, Superman, "Freddy Sez" (Yankee fans know who I speak of), and Mugatu. Adding to the great times was the big Yankees win in Game 3 of the World Series, as the Yanks beat up on Cole Hamels, who has since given up on this season. A-Rod's homer off of the camera in right field sparked the rally, and Andy Pettitte pitched wonderfully after settling down following a rocky 2nd inning. Good times!

Sunday brought us another day of sports-related stress, though we were not faced with the obstacle of watching 2 games at one time on this occasion. But first, a random thought on a popular food:

While watching a Taco Bell commercial, I began to ponder the assembly of your basic, everyday taco, and I decided that the usual formula for success in taco construction is inherently flawed. When you are presented with a typical hard-shell taco, the layers of taco ingredients are as follows, from the bottom of the shell up: meat, sauce/salsa, lettuce, tomato, cheese. The problem here is that when you take a bite, you are not able to sample each and every flavor. You're either biting near the bottom, in which case you are tasting mostly meat and some sauce, or you're biting near the top, in which case you are tasting mostly vegetables and cheese. It's a problem that I think needs to have some attention brought to it. When you bite into a taco, you want all of flavors together, combining to form an orchestra of taco-deliciousness performing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 in your mouth. Alas, this does not happen. And so I propose 2 solutions:

1) Always stick with the soft tacos, either at Taco Bell, or whatever other taco establishment/kitchen you are receiving your taco treat from. It's make-up is more predisposed to having all of the flavors combine into one bite due to it's soft, rolled nature.

2) Taco ingredients need to be mixed before being deposited into the hard shell. If you take the meat, sauce, cheese, lettuce and tomato, put them into a bowl and mix them up, and then place them into the shell, you will have made a taco that provides excitement, joy, and most of all, every flavor in each bite you take. It's an added, effortless step that will make the taco-eating experience that much more enjoyable.

Now back to our stressful Sunday, and we begin with the Giants. They are pathetic. They are an embarrassment. Words cannot describe how frustrating it was to watch them against the hated Eagles. We'll start with the offense. Eli is starting to look like the Eli of old. He missed some wide-open throws, and on the throws he did get to his receivers, he was hanging them out to dry so they could get killed (see: Boss, Kevin). Plus, he seems to feel the need to call an audible on every play, sometimes doing so with only 3 or 4 seconds left on the play clock, at which time everyone is panicking and no one knows what they're doing. It's sloppy, at best. I also think we need a new offensive coordinator. Kevin Gilbride is too stubborn. We call the same 6 plays all of the time, and when it was obvious that Brandon Jacobs was running tough and we needed to keep feeding him the ball, we kept to the air anyway, leading to 3-and-outs and some terrible interceptions. It's atrocious football.

As for the defense, they're not much better. Our vaunted defensive line can't put any pressure on the passer by themselves, but our defensive coordinator, Bill Sheridan, refuses to blitz. So because we don't get any pressure, our defensive backs have to cover the receivers forever, which always ends badly. Actually, it's going to end badly anyway, because we still have C.C. Brown on our team. HE SUCKS. He is the worst safety I have ever seen in coverage, hands down. He couldn't cover my little sister at this point. The loss of Kenny Phillips for the year is proving to be even more difficult to overcome than losing Osi Umenyiora was last year. At least last year we had a competent defensive coordinator who knew how to get to the quarterback. Sheridan is looking more and more like a mistake as we go along in this season. Right now, I find it difficult to say we'll make the playoffs. We started 5-0, and we may not go to the playoffs. Unbelievable. Oh yeah, Lawrence Tynes missed another kick.

**Steve stabs himself in the eye and dies. The rest of this blog was typed by him post-mortem**

Luckily for us, we had White Mana and the Yankees to assuage our pain on Sunday. I'll get a little deeper into the glory that is White Mana at a later time, but let me just say here that it is phenomenally delicious. The burgers are perhaps as close to perfection as you can get. (drooling...) Oof! Anyway, on to the Yankees. C.C. was going on short rest against Joe Blanton, so you would have expected them to win Game 4, which of course they did, albeit in dramatic fashion. They had a 4-3 lead in the bottom of the 8th, and Joba was in, looking like the Joba we all know and love. He had his explosive fastball and his unfair slider, and easily got through the first two batters. But then he grooved a fastball and Pedro Feliz took him out of the yard to tie the game at 4. Hopefully that homer doesn't get to him because he looked really good, and we're going to need him going forward in this series. Then in the top of the 9th, the all-to-familiar script of Brad Lidge blowing the game was re-hashed, with Johnny Damon beginning the dramatic reading. His double steal with 2 outs to get to third is the kind of play that will go down in Yankees history should they win the Series. His presence on 3rd made Lidge go away from his slider for fear of putting it in the dirt, so fastball after fastball was delivered, with A-Rod and Jorge duly obliging him with base hits to give the Yanks the lead that Mo would secure in the bottom of the 9th. The Yanks had a 3-1 Series lead, and the day was redeemed!

Now on to my thoughts about something that happened Monday night - a first for the Monday Morning Brain Fart! Mainly because it's supposed to go up in the morning... on Monday..... I suck. Anyway, the Phillies were able to get one game back in the Series and send it to Game 6 at Yankee Stadium tomorrow night, thanks is large part to the dubious pitching performances of AJ Burnett and Phil Coke. Burnett blew up in the worst way possible, but afterwards, David Robertson and Alfredo Aceves did a good job of keeping the Phils off the board and the Yankees in the game. Then in came Phil Coke, who promptly gave up 2 home runs to Chase Utley (who needs to stop owning the Yankees so they stop showing his repulsive hair) and Raul Ibanez to make it 8-2 Phillies. Of course the Yankees then figured out Cliff Lee and put some runs on the board, but it was too little too late once Derek Jeter grounded into the double play with 1st and 3rd and no outs in the top of the 9th. Damn you Phil Coke!

Ugh. Another week of work. But at least it's almost Wednesday...

Who's Your Daddy?!

It's Game 2 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium. Phils are up 1 game to none. Pedro Martinez, perhaps the biggest enemy of New York sports there is, is on the mound tonight. I've got beer. I've got Taco Bell. I've got a live blog for you!

7:30 – It’s the World Series. It’s Game 2. And setting the scene for us on this momentous night is… Chris Rose? Leave it to Fox to have a guy hosting the World Series pregame who normally couldn’t get a job hosting a talk show on SoapNet.

7:31 – Jay-Z and Alicia Keys performing “Empire State of Mind.” I just found out that Alicia Keys is the product of a black man and an Irish woman. I’m half Irish… how come I’m not half as good looking?
UPDATE: I just found out that I was wrong, she was in fact the product of an Irish-Italian mom and a Jamaican dad. I'm Irish-Italian too! Still not half as good looking.



7:36 – You can’t understand Ozzie Guillen normally, so naturally, Fox hires him to be an analyst during pregame. Makes sense.

7:37 – Obligatory Pedro montage. Man he is such an ass. I’m excited to hear “Who’s Your Daddy?” ring through the Stadium all night long.



7:40 – Mark Grace says that AJ Burnett is wild for only about 20 pitches a game, and needs to shorten it to 10 for the Yanks to win. I think he’s underestimating AJ. Let’s try cutting it to 35 today.

7:43 – Free Black Jack Tacos at Taco Bell on Halloween. Me and 4 other Taco Bell-loving guys ordered 1 the other night, and we all tried to pawn it off on each other, until Rory finally bit the bullet and threw it down at the end of a massive, late-night meal. Not sure that’s a good sign for the success of that product.

7:48 – John Legend on the mic for the National Anthem. Much better choice than that no-name country music douche they had last night.

7:53 – Chris introduces us to our play-by-play man for the night, Mr. Joe Buck. I can’t wait to have Joe ruin a big moment for me because his call is underwhelming and monotone.

7:54 – Jerry Hairston, Jr. is playing in Nick Swisher’s place tonight. Thank God. I’m pretty sure Swisher would pop up a lobbed watermelon on a 2-0 count at this point.

7:58 – AJ Burnett is warming up. Consider me deathly afraid of the possibilities. I’d be much more comfortable with Andy Pettitte starting tonight down 1-0. Please AJ, no 10 run innings.

8:00 – Jose of the Throwing Molina Brothers is behind the plate tonight since apparently AJ and Jorge don’t get along. Gotta love that .217 bat in the lineup in the World Series.

8:01 – AJ strikes out Shane Victorino on a nasty tailing fastball over the inside corner. If he’s on with that pitch tonight, it could be a loooong night for the Phillies.

8:04 – A painless top of the first for AJ. So far so good for my blood pressure.

8:07 – I wish Tim McCarver would shut up so I could hear the fans chant “Who’s Your Daddy” at Pedro. Ah yes… there it is!

8:11 – Johnny Damon in a Yankees uniform is facing Pedro Martinez in a Phillies uniform. Sawx fans everywhere are throwing up in their mouths right now.

8:14 – Easy first inning for Pedro, and he has the smug look on his face. Crap.

8:16 – Is there anyone better in this world to play Nelson Mandela in a movie than Morgan Freeman? I get chills just thinking about the possibilities.

8:19 – Thank you Fox Trax + for telling me that AJ Burnett’s pitches are slower when they reach the plate then they were when they left his hand. Normal physics certainly doesn’t prove that, we need a multi-thousand dollar machine and graphics to tell us.

8:27 – RBI single to left for Matt Stairs with Raul Ibanez on second. Ibanez is slow and there was still no way Damon could have thrown him out at the plate. I’ve seen better arms on infants. 1-0 Phils.

8:33 – Tim McCarver just made his first good point in 13 years. This crowd is way too quiet. I know Pedro has been through this before, but we at least have to try to get in his head, right?

8:36 – A-Rod strikes out for the 4th time already in this series. He’s starting to get that “Holy shit, I can’t handle this, but I need to make people think I can” face again.

8:38 – Fox has already shown this “Pedro is the enemy of New York” montage 6 times, and it’s only the 2nd inning. So in honor of this, I say we make Pedro believe the Yanks are his daddy again, right boys?!

8:52 – Shane Victorino is mic’d by Fox tonight. They just played a clip about how he thinks he’s standing too close to the plate as a lefty. Now he’s up. He’s still standing too close to the plate.

8:56 – Burnett is entirely too occupied with Jimmy Rollins at first base. I’m getting nervous about when he actually decides to throw a pitch.

8:59 – It’s the World Series. It’s baseball. STOP TALKING ABOUT BRETT FAVRE, JOE. I swear, I can’t get away from that old shit.

9:01 – Burnett is getting wild, went 3-0 on Chase Utley, and decided to finish his at-bat with an intentional 4th ball – to get to Ryan Howard, the guy who has the 4th highest amount of RBIs in a 4-year span in Major League history. I don’t feel very good about this.

9:05 – Howard goes down swinging! Thank Christ. Still don’t feel terribly good about Burnett at the moment.

9:11 – Pedro just walked Jose Molina. You read that correctly. You’re not actually having a stroke right now.

9:15 – Still no runs off of Pedro after 3. The upside to this is that Pedro is only a 5 or 6 inning pitcher at this stage of his career, so we will get our shot at the Phillies bullpen. Let’s just hope we can make the most of it.

9:22 – Fox just showed Chase Utley in the Phillies dugout – without his helmet on. There are few scarier sights in life. I’d say Chase it just getting ready for Halloween, but he looks this disgusting all year around. Chase, the wet-rat look went out of style years ago dude-bro.

9:23 – Molina just made an incredible throw to pick off Jayson Werth at first base after the 0-2 pitch to Ibanez. That’s what Werth gets for trying to look like Tim Riggins. THERE IS ONLY ONE TIM RIGGINS, JAYSON.

9:28 – A TEX MESSAGE TO RIGHT-CENTER! Mark Teixeira finally woke up from his nap! YOU’RE ON THE MARK, TEIXEIRA! 1-1!!



9:38 – I can’t get “Empire State of Mind” out of my head. My woman says she’s sick of it, but I think I actually like it. What does she know anyway, she’s a Philly fan.

9:45 – I still inadvertently squeeze out a turd whenever A-Rod settles under a fly ball. It shouldn’t be that difficult, nor that nerve-wracking. But he caught this one! And so Burnett is through 5, having only given up 1 run. His hammer is nasty tonight too. I’m still deathly afraid of the 50-pitch, 7-run inning, however.

9:50 – Is Ken Rosenthal the worst sideline reporter (or whatever you call it in baseball) in sports? He sounds like he has to think about every word before he actually says it, but most of all, his stories SUCK. But that’s Fox for you!

9:52 – Just as Pedro is looking like he’s about to lose it after giving up the double to Jeter in the bottom of the 5th, Damon gets him off the hook by swinging at the first pitch and popping out to Ryan Howard. These are the kind of situations the Yankees need to take more advantage of. Not good.

9:59 – I’m writing this on my girlfriend’s computer, and I just found the whoopee cushion on her dashboard. Suffice it to say I’m abusing it. Suffice it to say again that she wishes she no longer dated me.

10:01 – Is it me or is the DirecTV commercial with David Spade and Chris Farley doing the “fat guy in a little coat” a little weird and/or creepy? The guy is dead for crying out loud, and you’re still calling him “tons o’ fun?” Let’s save that nickname for the girl Steve Phillips nailed at ESPN.



10:03 – Is it weird that hearing Jack Bauer’s voice during a Bank of America commercial gets me all warm and fuzzy on the inside?

10:05 – Bottom 6, Pedro’s getting tired, and the Stadium is rocking the “Who’s Your Daddy?” chants. Time to jump on him boys.

10:06 – And Tex strikes out. I’m an asshole.

10:08 – A-Rod strikes out. Still an asshole.

10:10 – NOT AN ASSHOLE ANYMORE!! IT’S A THRILLA! BY GODZILLA! 2-1 YANKS!



10:12 – How the hell is Wanda Sykes getting yet another show? She is not funny. At all. I don’t know anyone who thinks she is funny. If you think she’s funny, you’re an idiot. STOP GIVING HER SHOWS. And while we’re at it, STOP GIVING JEFF FOXWORTHY, TYLER PERRY, AND LARRY THE CABLE GUY SHOWS, BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT FUNNY EITHER.

10:19 – A great 7th inning from AJ. Two strikeouts on ridiculously nasty curves, and a nice play by Jeter charging a grounder from Feliz. AJ’s making his money tonight.

10:23 – Really surprised Pedro has come back out for the bottom of the 7th. Got faith in your bullpen there Charlie?

10:29 – With Brett Gardner (pinch-running for Hairston) running, Melky rips a single to right! 1st and 3rd, no outs, Jorge Posada is in to pinch-hit for Molina, and that is it for Pedro! WHO’S YOUR DADDY!? WHO’S YOUR DADDY?! Gotta say, love Pedro’s smile as he walks off with the Yankee fans serenading him.

10:35 – Jorge comes through with an RBI single off of Chan Ho Park! Gardner scores! 3-1 Yanks!

10:38 – Jeter strikes out on a foul bunt attempt. Bad play. That’s it for Park as well, as in comes Scott Eyre to face the Yankee lefties, Damon and Tex.

10:43 – And the umpires bail out the Phils with a bullshit call on Damon’s “line-out” to Howard. Even though the ball short-hopped Howard, the ump called Damon out on the fly, and then Posada was tagged out on second for the double play. Unbelievable how bad the umpiring has been in these playoffs.

10:47 – Great game by Burnett tonight, but now The Sandman is in the game to try for the 2-inning save. Let’s mow ‘em down Mo, and take it out of the umpire’s hands.

10:55 – Mo’s struggling, and Fox is trying to jinx him by putting up graphics about how he never gives up home runs in the playoffs. I’m jittery, to say the least.

10:59 – Chase Utley grounds into a double-play! Great turn by Jeter on that play with Victorino barreling into him at full speed. Lyla Garrity must be so proud! And Mo gets out of the inning without throwing too many more pitches. I was starting to get worried there.

11:03 – Gotta love that Phillies bullpen! Ryan Madson drills Mark Teixeira with his first pitch of the bottom of the 8th.

11:13 – Well, apparently you do have to love the Phillies bullpen. Madson strikes out the side, and we move on to the 9th inning with Ryan Howard leading off against Mo. Time to do what you do best Mo.

11:15 – 24 trailer!!!! Fox can put forth the shittiest broadcast of a baseball game you will ever see, but that’s all they have to do to redeem themselves is play the 24 trailer. I’M SO EXCITED FOR JACK!!!

11:18 – Mo strikes out Ryan Howard! 4 Ks for Howard tonight, the ol’ Golden Sombrero! One away!

11:20 – Werth lines out to Cano! 2 down!

11:22 – Ibanez doubles to left. (Gulp)

11:24 – Mo strikes out Matt Stairs! BALLGAME OVER! YANKEES WIN! THeEeEeEeEeEe YANKEES WIN!

And with that, the series is tied at 1 with Game 3 in Philadelphia on Saturday night! IT’S UP TO YOU, NEW YORK, NEEWWW YOOOOOOORRRRRRKKKKK!



LET’S KEEP UP THE CELEBRATION AND WATCH THE 24 TRAILER AGAIN!



AWESOME NIGHT!