Welcome to the new week, all. And welcome to said new week's edition of the Monday Morning Brain Fart! I can hear the angels singing now!This past weekend was of course the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. We here at New Jersey is Clean, Idiots hope that you enjoyed all of your time spent with family, friends and great food. As I've said many times before and will continue to say until my last breathe, it is the greatest holiday on the planet. Mine was awesome despite the fact that all of the New York teams that I like tried to ruin it for me. The Giants put forth one of the more pathetic performances I have ever seen out of them in their Thanksgiving night game at Denver, and the Rangers lost their 2 games over the weekend against the Lightning and Penguins by a combined score of 13-4. I will say nothing more about these teams for fear of throwing my girlfriend's computer off of our 18th floor balcony.
Scotty and I were having a textversation (trademark it!) about the fledgling United Football League and how the season started and ended... without anyone actually knowing about it. It brings to mind the argument about if a tree falls in the forest without anyone seeing it, did it actually happen? The league has only 4 teams: the Las Vegas Locos, the Florida Tuskers, the New York Sentinels, and the California Redwoods. First off, dumb names. The season apparently started on October 8, and culminated this past weekend with the 1st championship game between the Locos and the Tuskers, which the Locos won. A few notes about your UFL Champion Locos: 1) Their head coach is Jim Fassel! I love Jim! I never understood why he couldn't get another head coaching job in the NFL after leaving the Giants. Maybe this championship will be his big break! 2) More Giants blood - Sam Garnes is a defensive assistant coach. I was a big fan of the old Sam Garnes - Shaun Williams safety combo. 3) More former Giants! Adrian Awasom and Ross Kolodziej - No wonder the Locos are champions! 4) Graham Gano from Florida St. is their kicker. Cordes and I were watching him in college last year and decided he was awesome and we should draft him to replace Lawrence Tynes. Now, he apparently can't get an NFL kicking job and is stuck in the UFL... and I still believe we should get him to replace Tynes. 5) The Locos starting quarterback, and the league's marquee player is... JP Losman. Yeah, this league will last........
Last year in fantasy baseball I dubbed Indians CF Grady Sizemore the "Man Crush." I gave him this name because he was a great ballplayer who plays the game the right way, and he is a pretty boy. Well this past year he was either injured or shit, so in my eyes, he has lost that nickname. Apparently he does not agree, and has taken my nickname just a bit too seriously:
Click me, peruse the photos, and come back!
UPDATE: The original link with a ton of photos was taken down. This link you see now is a different one I found quickly that doesn't have nearly as much.
Grady?! Seriously?!!??!?! You have to know this shit is going to come out at some point and you will become the laughing stock of baseball. My girlfriend's favorite photo is the one where he covers his nuts with a coffee mug. I hope fans in rival stadiums next year are creative and use these photos to taunt him. There is a lot of good material here.
If you watch Fox NFL Sunday, then you've seen those atrocious Verizon Football Focus (or whatever the hell it's called) commercials that air right before the 1:00 kickoff, which star some random chick named Rebecca Grant. Rebecca never actually says the names of teams, but instead uses catchy phrases like, "Let's see if the Birds can get in sync at the Linc today!" But her worst transgression against society is the horrendous plastic surgery she's sporting. Seriously Rebecca, did you have to put that much of your ass in your cheeks, making them that immobile and puffy? You look like 2 bees stung you in your face - one in each cheek - but instead of rubbing some ointment on them to make the swelling go down, you sprayed liquid nitrogen on them to freeze them and keep the swollen look forever. Your surgeon should have his license taken away, and you should be replaced by a chick who is actually hot. For shame.
I enjoyed Rex Ryan employing a new secret code with Mark Sanchez so that he would stop throwing so many damn interceptions. Basically, Ryan would have code words (or colors or whatever) that he would say/show to Sanchez to let Sanchez know how he should approach that moment in the game, be it conservatively, aggressively, or anything in between. Let's say he used the red/yellow/green of a stop light for Sanchez:
Red - Play conservatively. No mistakes here, let's be safe.
Yellow - Take what the defense gives you and make a play.
Green - Go for broke, interceptions be damned! We need a big play here!
I guess it worked, since Sanchez only threw one interception and the Jets won. And that got me thinking - what if other notable folks were given the stoplight secret code in their lives?
Pacman Jones
Red - Don't go in that strip club, Pac. It'll only lead to trouble.
Yellow - You can look but don't touch. A stripper is meant to be admired.
Green - Make it rain!
Plaxico Burress
Red - Let's stay in tonight, Plax. I hear Antonio Pierce has a Netflix account!
Yellow - You can head to the bar, but keep things low-key. We don't want any trouble.
Green - Hit the town with your glock, son! Reckless abandon is the key to success!
Elin Woods
Red - I'm sure the stories are false. Tiger would never cheat on you.
Yellow - I doubt Tiger cheated, but let's hire a private investigator to follow him, just in case.
Green - Grab that fairway metal and beat the shit out of that cheating mother(beeeep)!!!
Bill Clinton
Red - The Oval Office is sacred, like marriage, and should never be tarnished.
Yellow - It's ok to see Monica on the side, but let's keep it under wraps.
Green - Sacred institution my ass! Get under that desk, woman!
Ray Lewis
Red - Let's have a quiet, small Super Bowl party at your house. Close family and friends only.
Yellow - Let's go see the game at a bar, but beware of drunk people getting too crazy.
Green - That dude disrespected your crew?! Let's beat his ass!.... Uh oh.
OJ Simpson
Red - Things just didn't work out with Nicole. Let's take time to recover, then find a new love.
Yellow - Maybe you should try and reconcile with Nicole. You still love her, after all.
Green - Ronald Goldman doesn't deserve her! Let's k--- wait. A jury acquitted you. You didn't do nuthin!
Anyone else have any good examples of people in real life getting the Mark Sanchez secret code treatment? Email them to me at jerseyisbest@gmail.com and I'll post the best ones, along with a few more of my own.
Ugh. Another week of work.
Grady?! Seriously?!!??!?! You have to know this shit is going to come out at some point and you will become the laughing stock of baseball. My girlfriend's favorite photo is the one where he covers his nuts with a coffee mug. I hope fans in rival stadiums next year are creative and use these photos to taunt him. There is a lot of good material here.
If you watch Fox NFL Sunday, then you've seen those atrocious Verizon Football Focus (or whatever the hell it's called) commercials that air right before the 1:00 kickoff, which star some random chick named Rebecca Grant. Rebecca never actually says the names of teams, but instead uses catchy phrases like, "Let's see if the Birds can get in sync at the Linc today!" But her worst transgression against society is the horrendous plastic surgery she's sporting. Seriously Rebecca, did you have to put that much of your ass in your cheeks, making them that immobile and puffy? You look like 2 bees stung you in your face - one in each cheek - but instead of rubbing some ointment on them to make the swelling go down, you sprayed liquid nitrogen on them to freeze them and keep the swollen look forever. Your surgeon should have his license taken away, and you should be replaced by a chick who is actually hot. For shame.
I enjoyed Rex Ryan employing a new secret code with Mark Sanchez so that he would stop throwing so many damn interceptions. Basically, Ryan would have code words (or colors or whatever) that he would say/show to Sanchez to let Sanchez know how he should approach that moment in the game, be it conservatively, aggressively, or anything in between. Let's say he used the red/yellow/green of a stop light for Sanchez:
Red - Play conservatively. No mistakes here, let's be safe.
Yellow - Take what the defense gives you and make a play.
Green - Go for broke, interceptions be damned! We need a big play here!
I guess it worked, since Sanchez only threw one interception and the Jets won. And that got me thinking - what if other notable folks were given the stoplight secret code in their lives?
Pacman Jones
Red - Don't go in that strip club, Pac. It'll only lead to trouble.
Yellow - You can look but don't touch. A stripper is meant to be admired.
Green - Make it rain!
Plaxico Burress
Red - Let's stay in tonight, Plax. I hear Antonio Pierce has a Netflix account!
Yellow - You can head to the bar, but keep things low-key. We don't want any trouble.
Green - Hit the town with your glock, son! Reckless abandon is the key to success!
Elin Woods
Red - I'm sure the stories are false. Tiger would never cheat on you.
Yellow - I doubt Tiger cheated, but let's hire a private investigator to follow him, just in case.
Green - Grab that fairway metal and beat the shit out of that cheating mother(beeeep)!!!
Bill Clinton
Red - The Oval Office is sacred, like marriage, and should never be tarnished.
Yellow - It's ok to see Monica on the side, but let's keep it under wraps.
Green - Sacred institution my ass! Get under that desk, woman!
Ray Lewis
Red - Let's have a quiet, small Super Bowl party at your house. Close family and friends only.
Yellow - Let's go see the game at a bar, but beware of drunk people getting too crazy.
Green - That dude disrespected your crew?! Let's beat his ass!.... Uh oh.
OJ Simpson
Red - Things just didn't work out with Nicole. Let's take time to recover, then find a new love.
Yellow - Maybe you should try and reconcile with Nicole. You still love her, after all.
Green - Ronald Goldman doesn't deserve her! Let's k--- wait. A jury acquitted you. You didn't do nuthin!
Anyone else have any good examples of people in real life getting the Mark Sanchez secret code treatment? Email them to me at jerseyisbest@gmail.com and I'll post the best ones, along with a few more of my own.
Ugh. Another week of work.
The UFL is like a live version of www.straightcashhomey.net.
ReplyDeleteMy god that kicker was so good in college. We need to get him ASAP.
ReplyDelete