Monday Morning Brain Fart - 12/7

Good day to you all on this delightful / snowy / mild / freezing / hot / rainy / humid / temperate (please choose one) December Monday - the last, first Monday of any month in 2009, which of course is the 4th to last year that this planet will exist, according to John Cusack.

Dear Tiger Woods,

You have a hot Swedish supermodel as a wife. You have 2 children. You are the first billionaire athlete. You are telling us that this is not good enough. Idiot.

So you cheat with a variety of women, ranging from party planners, to cocktail waitresses, to a manager at Perkins. Then you show how stupid you are by sending them text messages and leaving them voicemails, all things that can be saved and given to various reputable publications such as the National Enquirer. Idiot.

The only good thing to come out of this for you is that one of the women said you were great in bed and have a huge dong. Congratulations! Still an idiot.

Love,
New Jersey is Clean, Idiots.

Saturday was a big day in college football, with various conference championship games playing out across the country. I watched the Pitt-Cincinnati game, which for all intents and purposes was the Big East Championship game, and believe me when I say this: it was one of the best football games I have ever seen. Back and forth they went throughout the whole game, until Pitt scored a touchdown to go up 44-38, only for their kicker to screw the pooch and miss the extra point. Cincy made them pay of course, scoring a touchdown of their own with about 30 seconds left, but actually making the extra point, and winning 45-44. I hope the Pitt kicker wasn't hoping to get laid anytime soon. The other game I watched was the SEC Championship game between Florida and Alabama, which did not end up being the uber-competitive game it was made out to be because Alabama beat the piss out of Florida. Afterwards, the CBS cameras caught Tim Tebow crying his eyes out on the sideline. Alabama better watch out! God does not take too kindly to teams who hurt the feelings of His quarterback. They will rue the day they made The Great Tim Tebow cry! (If you hadn't already figured it out, I'm mocking Tebow. What a weenie.)



I'm sure you've all seen those weird Levi's Jeans "Go Forth" ads by now. They use the words of Walt Whitman, mixed with some artsy bullshit camera work and editing, to portray a sense of optimism for a new America in a time of pessimism (or at least that's what I found in a google search, I honestly have no clue what the hell they're trying to say). How does this make me want to buy jeans? You wouldn't even know it was a jeans commercial with all that pretentious nonsense going on there if it wasn't for the Levi's logo thrown up at the end. They should take a lesson from Brett Favre. Now THAT guy knows how to sell jeans!

I'm sure you also are familiar with those DirecTV ads where it looks like a scene from a movie or a music video, only the star turns towards the camera and talks about how awesome DirecTV is (which it is, by the way). The latest new one features Christina Aguilera in a music video for some song that sounds like all her other songs. Now, she used to be hot, but... oh boy. She looks like some weird, gothic stepford wife. Christina, do us all a favor and ease up on the makeup. You're scaring the children.

And now we move on to the Giants - SWEET CHRIST THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! We broke out the brooms and swept the Cowgirls for the first time in 5 years, playing our first good game in a long while. Now we're right back in the mix for the playoffs. We finally committed to running the ball, and as a result, the offense got back on track, made some big plays, and put some points on the board. The defense stopped the run like they used to be able to, holding a team who had run for 250 yards last week to a paltry 45. And for once, the special teams played a good game, with Domenick Hixon's 79-yard punt return in the 4th quarter proving to be the winning points. I couldn't remember the last time we returned a punt for a touchdown before today - we never do that! Osi Umenyiora made some plays in response to his benching by Tom Coughlin, Brandon Jacobs had a huge 74-yard reception touchdown, Aaron Rouse I thought actually played a pretty decent game, and Steve Smith and Hakeem Nicks made big plays at wide receiver. I do have some gripes, like Bruce Johnson continuing to get abused by big wide receivers, Bill Sheridan still insisting on dropping our defensive linemen into coverage (STOP DOING THAT BILL, IT NEVER WORKS AND IS COMPLETELY STUPID), and the aforementioned Steve Smith dropping an easy touchdown, but I'll save the extensive complaining for another day. Today is a day to savor a huge victory, a victory that we can hopefully build off of and take this momentum into our next biggest game of the season against Philly next week. Let's make the Eagles pay for that beatdown they gave us earlier in the season boys!

Ugh. Another week of work.