MMBF - 12/21: The Mystery of the Sleep Shit

Good day to all on this Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year! No, that does not mean that you can leave work sooner, just that it'll be pitch black outside at about lunchtime. Awesome.

We begin today with a little bit of confusion on the part of the NFL Network. They aired the Cowgirls-Saints debacle on Saturday night that was absolutely TERRIBLE for the Giants (thank you Saints), but that has nothing to do with what I'm saying here. Apparently we were watching "Thursday Night Football"... on Saturday. And they kept saying, "We'll be right back on this Special Edition of Thursday Night Football," or "Welcome to this Special Edition of Thursday Night Football." Maybe they don't have enough money in their budget to swap out the "Thursday" with a "Saturday" in their graphics? IT WAS SATURDAY NFL NETWORK, SPECIAL EDITION OR NOT. Although since about 85% of the country still can't see that channel, maybe they thought no one would notice?

Also on Saturday night, the guys and I came up with what I think is a brilliant business idea that could become a worldwide phenomenon. Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce to you, MediocreStrippers.com! Want to get a stripper up to your hotel room, but can't afford the kind of stripper you really want? Then go to MediocreStrippers.com, where you can have your pick of the litter of some of the most mediocre-looking strippers you can find! We are flexible in our pricing, but the more you want to pay, the more mediocre she gets! Got an extra 10 bucks? We'll offer a few less teeth! Another 10? Here's comes the pregnant chick! Stretch-marks available too! Log on now to MediocreStrippers.com, for the mediocre night of your life!

So after watching Thursday Night Football on Saturday, coming up with a can't-miss business plan, and enjoying an adult beverage or 20, we decided a trip to White Castle - at 3:30 AM, in the middle of a blizzard - was a great idea! Granted, White Castle is always a great idea, but Saturday night it seemed particularly appropriate, since we were celebrating the birthday of the man who pioneered the practice of finding a random Joe in a car and having him buy your White Castle for you because only the drive-thru was open. So we made it up there, slowly-but-surely so as not to die a snowy death, and a Crave Case, 2 sacks of Chicken Rings, and 4 orders of fries later, we were in White Castle heaven. And as you would guess, we were all glued to the toilet seat the next day, re-enacting this scene from one of the hallmarks of American cinema, Dumb and Dumber.



Have you guys seen that absurd commercial for Dolce & Gabbana's new cologne, Light Blue? First off, perfume/cologne commercials are always ridiculous, portraying for us real-world moments where hot people in skimpy clothing rub up against each other in a sweaty passion, often in a public place for all to see. This particular commercial is along those same lines, with a European-looking couple giving each other the "fuck me gently" gaze while floating on an inflatable raft in a cove somewhere out in the open sea. We notice that the girl is soaking wet (from a recent swim?), yet somehow we cannot see her nipples through her shirt. Impossible. Then the camera pans down on the man for a gratuitous package shot before he lovingly attacks her to begin the love-making. HOT DAMN I WANT TO BUY ME SOME D&G COLOGNE!

And finally, on Friday my apartment-mates and I threw the 2nd Annual Secret Non-Secular Joy Giver: Post-College Edition party. Yes, I realize what non-secular means, but that was what we mistakenly named it, so it stays. BACK OFF. Anyway, lots of joy-giving occurred, and a great party was had by all, but not so much that I got the White Castle stomach that I described above - which is why the following course of events was so puzzling to me. I woke up in the middle of the night to take pee, did so, and flushed, as always. I was then shocked to see that the toilet was clogged. Typically that only happens when I make a doodie and forget to courtesy-flush, but that was not the case this time. It was just... clogged. Had I Slept Shit, I wondered? Sleep Walking is something people do, but did I break out the immortal Sleep Shit? Knowing that was a possibility, I was proud of myself, but too tired to fix the toilet, so I went back to sleep. Next morning, pee happened again, and still, the toilet was clogged. At this point, the Sleep Shit was a very real possibility in my mind. Being the professional toilet un-clogger that I am, I fixed her right up in about 4 seconds, and went on with my day, thinking that I had actually Slept Shit. You couldn't wipe the smile off of my face! Then my friends told me it was probably my girlfriend and she just didn't want to tell me. Yep. Probably that.

Ugh. Another week of work... Wait! For you, but not me! I'm on vacation!