Megan Hauserman is Satan

Yesterday I returned to real life, back from the glory that was the 4th Annual Summer Camp. It was a wondrous weekend filled with extreme tubing, bonfires, deep fried everything, STA, softball, Drunkards of the Round Table, Natural's Iciest, BL Smooth Dogs, The Banquet Beer, Keystone's Lightest, Pabst Bluiest Ribbon, and most importantly, the greatest group of friends a guy could ever ask for. It was quite the high I needed to come down from, so I decided to aid the process of quitting Summer Camp cold turkey by catching up on some weekend television. I watched Hung, which continues to be just good enough for me to keep coming back. Entourage was next, which was very entertaining as always. And finally, there was Megan Wants a Millionaire, which has taken the Sunday night time slot that Daisy of Love was previously holding on VH1. I had promised myself I would never watch that show, because I hate Megan Hauserman with a fiery passion that is rivaled only by my hatred of the Eagles, Cowboys, and Redskins. But I watched it anyway, and the following is a completely biased review of this complete waste of a production budget.

Let me begin by giving you a little background on Megan Hauserman. She is a Playboy model who first began her reality-show career on Beauty and the Geek, where she apparently learned nothing because she is ridiculously stupid. She then moved on to Rock of Love 2, where Bret Michaels made the best decision of his life to kick out this bumbling idiot. The appropriately named I Love Money came next, where she managed to lose even though the only thing she cares about in this world is, in fact, money. Hauserman then moved on to Rock of Love: Charm School, where they took the biggest bitches from Rock of Love and tried to turn them into reformed bitches. It ultimately did not work as she is still a bitch. And now finally, she is starring in her 5th reality show, Megan Wants a Millionaire. She is an attention slut obviously, and she must be whoring herself out to some executive at VH1 to be getting on all of these shows. I think I'm going to puke

The basic premise of the show is like all other VH1 dating shows, only this time the men competing for Megan's "heart" must have a net worth of at least 1 million dollars so they can buy her whatever she wants. So the first thing we've learned is that she is the epitome of a gold-digger, and you will find her photo in the dictionary when you look up that word. The second thing we learn is that she is too stupid to carry her own reality show, as VH1 had to hire a Ricky Gervais-wannabe butler to provide narration, seeing as she is incapable of forming complete sentences and can only utter dumb blonde noises that make me want to pass a kidney stone.

We then get introduced to the men who will be competing for her signature on a pre-nup, which led me to the following conclusion: the only rich guys who are mentally challenged enough to come on this show are actually a group of the biggest losers you will ever meet. It really doesn't matter how much money you have when you're as low on the Totem Poll of Live as these guys are. Megan awkwardly meets all of them, all while holding her stupid little chihuahua and being taller than all of the guys except 1 or 2. Keep in mind that we're only about 5 minutes in, and this is already the worst show I've ever seen on TV. Hauserman then introduces us to her two best friends who may actually be dumber than her: Brandi C, who is another VH1 show slut, and Cecille, her best friend who has roughly 78% of the world's supply of collagen injected in her lips (Daisy de la Hoya of course has the other 22%). The three of them together is like watching paint dry or grass grow, only if the paint and grass made you want to gouge out your eyeballs and eat them in a soup of shit.

The rest of the show goes typically how all other VH1 dating shows go, with the guys picking fights with each other, Megan herself trying to get to know them, and her finally eliminating a few of them so as to cut the fat. If it was me eliminating them, I would have cut them all, then blown up the mansion so that no trace of this show ever existed. But it wasn't me there, so she eliminated them with the idiotic catch phrase, "Your credit has been denied." Those elimination catch phrases are usually pretty bad, but this one takes the cake as being the most brainless of them all. I'm literally running out of PC words to use here as insults for this show.

Now at this moment I've decided that I will use a rating system, like stars or thumbs up/down, to rate things. When I review your show or movie or whatever, you will get between 0 and 5 Eli Manning Faces, because he is really cute and I would like to incorporate him into my blog wherever possible. So without further ado, I give you first ever Eli Manning Face Rating System Grade, this time for Megan Wants a Millionaire:

Eli Manning Faces:

That's right, I can't even show you what the faces look like, because this shows get zero of them. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I feel like my life has actually taken a turn for the worse by watching this show, and now I have to go into rehab to try and recover. It is truly one of those times when you spend an hour of your life that you will never get back; an hour of your life you will regret forever. If you watch this show, you will become dumber, and I am never watching this show again for fear of self-mutilation. Megan Hauserman, I can honestly say you are the worst person in the world, and you are starring in the worst show in the world. Please loyal readers, I beg you - do not watch this show. Ever.