Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 1

It's Not Pennsylvania

Let's face it. There are few worse places you could imagine being than Pennsylvania, or as I like to refer to it as, Pennsyltucky. I'm around quite a significant amount of people right now, and I'm going to take a quick poll. Feel free to join in as well.

Who here wants to live in Pennsylvania?

(crickets, and of course, no hands)

Who here wants to live in New Jersey?

(massive celebration ensues, people are making-out all over the place! I count roughly 87 hands, but the hysteria makes it a bit difficult to be accurate. And yes, I'm that popular that there are roughly 87 people around me at all times)

So as you can see by my highly scientific poll, EVERYONE would rather live in New Jersey over Pennsylvania. Yeah I know, not a shocker.

But let's be fair to the fine (?) people of Pennsyltucky. Let's see what they have to offer us, and whether or not it can actually match up to what New Jersey has to offer:

2 major cities, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia:

Hooray for PA! They have 2 major cities! Oh right, they both SUCK. We'll begin with Pittsburgh. First off, unless you travel to some far-out suburb, everything in Pittsburgh closes at 11:00 PM. "So only the restaurants and shops close at 11:00 PM?" you may ask me. And I will answer, "No, EVERYTHING closes at 11:00 PM!" Do you want to grab a beer downtown after 11:00 PM after a hard day's work? Too bad! You can't. You want to get some grub after 11:00 PM because you missed dinner due to extenuating circumstances? Too bad. You can't. Also, Pittsburgh's official beer is Iron City. Yeah, that sucks too. The only good thing about Pittsburgh is the sandwiches from Primanti Bros. that have french fries all over them. Sounds like awesome drunk food right? Well, only if you're 3 sheets to the wind by 10:30. Idiots. You want to party all night long, perhaps until the break of dawn? Come on over to Jersey.

And Philly. Ooooo Philly. I feel like I only need to say three things about Philly to make my point. 1) It was the original capital of the United States, only it was so awful, they moved it to Washington, DC, which isn't exactly a mecca of awesomeness. 2) My girlfriend, whose family is from Philly, made me a custom t-shirt that reads, "Philadelphia Eats Asshole." 'Nuff said. 3) Philly sports fans are the worst in the world, even worse than those obnoxious idiots up in Boston. I hated Michael Irvin just as much as the next guy, but booing the dude as he lay on the turf, potentially paralyzed? Real high class. And BOOING SANTA CLAUSE!???! IT'S SANTA CLAUSE!!! Santa, come on over to Jersey if you want some love, there's plenty to go around. But people of Philadelphia, please do not come to Jersey. Ever. You've already ruined Camden, a once bustling metropolis that has slowly decayed into Philadelphia, Jr. thanks to you guys.

Cheesesteaks:

I've had better Cheesesteaks at the Jersey Shore. And everywhere else in Jersey. Get over yourselves.

PA's State Animal, the White-Tailed Deer:

Oh, do you mean the animal that thinks it's smart to jump in front of cars, cause accidents, and kill people? Hmmmm. New Jersey's state animal is the horse. That's right, a beautiful, graceful creature that chooses not to kill people, only to live peacefully and in harmony with man.

... and that's it. There's nothing else. New Jersey is better in every way than Pennsylvania. All of the roughly 87 people around me agree. They're STILL making-out in celebration.