Kobe sucks.

WHERE THE HELL DID THIS STUPID FACE COME FROM, KOBE?!

I'd been meaning to make fun of him for this face for awhile, but I was recently on vacation and had neither the time nor the desire to stop drinking, BBQ'ing, and working on my sweet irish tan to write a blog entry.

This Kobe Face has to be the most forced attempt at a "determined" look I have ever seen. First of all, Kobe had never made this face before this year's playoffs. Ever. He didn't even use that face while he was in Eagle, Colorado showing Katelyn Faber a sweet time, which, taking into consideration what he was doing, is probably the most appropriate moment for this face. I think he was sitting at home one night with Vanessa, plotting which slutty Laker cheerleaders outfits he was going to make his daughters wear at the next game, when it suddenly came to him: "Hey! I should look super determined whenever I make a good shot in tomorrow's game! That way, the TV announcers will comment on how I 'want this more than anything' and then go on for 10 minutes about how I'm the greatest ever. Brilliant!"

Well Kobe, you got your wish, because whenever you made this ridiculous face during the playoffs, Mike Breen and Co. would comment about how you "want this more than anything" because of how "determind" you looked. Then they would launch into a grand, soaring oration about how you rank as one of the top 5 players ever. I think Jeff Van Gundy even wrote a haiku about how great you are and read it aloud on air.

Then to make matters even worse, you had to go and win the championship. The inevitable group orgy ensued on SportsCenter, and now we have to listen to weeks and weeks of pointless reports from Shelley Smith about how Kobe is the man; Kobe is top 5 ever; Kobe is the greatest, blah blah blah. Well guess what Kobe, YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE GREATEST. The greatest players in history are not only transcendent superstars, but more importantly, they make everyone around them better. Michael Jordan made his teammates better. Oscar Robertson made his teammates better. So did Magic Johnson and, most recently, Lebron James. You, Kobe Bryant, do not make your teammates better. You are one of the most selfish, me-first players this game has ever seen. Sure, you have great numbers, even all-time great numbers. But you're also the king of the 30 point, 10 for 40 shooting night, with 0 assists and 1 rebound. Sure, you're getting your 30 points a night, but you're bricking 30 shots a night to get it. If we were to swap you with Lebron, you would be lucky to make the playoffs in Cleveland with that pu pu platter of a supporting cast Lebron has. Meanwhile, in LA, the Lakers would NEVER LOSE with Lebron at the helm.

In summary, you're not the greatest, nor should you be involved in the conversation. Now stop making that stupid face, unless you truly do have that severe of an underbite, in which case, I can refer you to my orthodontist if you'd like.