Glover wins US Open; lips out on life.

The New Jersey is Clean, Idiots Guest-Writer Series continues here with a submission from our wonderful friend from the south, Rich. Rich is an avid golfer, he works for the Golf Channel, his entire wardrobe is golf shirts and khakis, he sleeps with his driver... you get the idea. Rich eats, breathes, and sleeps golf.

Now when he came to me with his submission for the blog and told me it was about the US Open, I figured it was about how much of a disaster the tournament was due to the atrocious weather we had here in the northeast over the weekend, and that Rich would give us proper perspective on the tournament now that we've had a week to digest it. Well, Rich gave us perspective alright, but on a slightly different topic. So without further ado, I give you Rich's rant on the US Open.

I know you, but I don’t like you.

Yes Lucas Glover. I’m talking to you.

Glover, the same guy who turned me away for an interview after the final round of the Wyndham Championship in 2007, quoting “I have to catch a flight,” which then I quickly snapped with a “I have to catch a deadline”… I haven’t forgot that Lucas. I hope you missed your flight.

Needless to say, I wasn’t cheering for you this past weekend. In fact, I don’t know who was. I wanted you to collapse like General Lee’s troops at Antietam, just without all the blood. The only red I wanted to see was the firing of Tiger Woods fist pumps through the air like a machine gun strapped upon a tank ready to blow shit up.

But no, you and your smug face, with your cap turned low walking around probably the hardest public golf course in the world beating the best players in the world, and you can’t even crack the smallest of grins? You made arguably the best major of the year into a snooze fest, and you did it looking like Droopy Dog. Here was your chance to show the world who you are, and you provided nothing.

No one will remember you. There I said it.

I hope you feel good about joining the ranks of boring US Open winners like Steve Jones, Scott Simpson, and David Graham. Where are they now? Probably filling up my large bucket of balls at my local driving range.

With that being said, here’s a few options on how I would have acted upon walking through Bethpage State Park with the US Open trophy in my hands (in no particular order):

1) When you (or I in this case) made that clutch putt on 16 to lock this thing up, I would have thrown at least 2 continuous cartwheels, then Rocky’ed my way up the grandstands to throw a huge gainer towards the 17th tee.

2) When I’m walking up the 18th fairway, I would ran passed all the fans (who most took off of work on Monday to attend) and slap hands with each and every one of them. Think Hulk Hogan as he would make his entrance to ringside (minus “I’m a Real American” playing in the background…but on second thought, it is the US Open, and I’m American…so fuck that, I’d definitely want that playing).

3) Once I sank the final putt, I would have ran and slid to my caddy on my knees like I just won the World Cup. Mouth open, screaming “geeyawwn,” fists clenched to the sky.

4) After being presented with the trophy, I’d walk over to Phil Mickelson and say, "Phil, I’m sorry, but I can’t find your name on here? I know it’s on here…oh wait.”

5) During the post round interview, I would not accept being addressed as “Rich” or “Mr. Calabrese” but “2009 US Open Champion.” Where I’d then interrupt every question with “Did I just win the U.S. Open? I did? Have you won a major before? No? Well why not?” in the most douche-baggiest way possible.

Those are just a few examples on how any normal person would celebrate a life-crowning achievement.

If this posting sounds bitter, it’s because it is. Let’s be honest, I’m extremely jealous of Lucas Glover. Any golfer should be. It was a great U.S. Open until Lucas Glover won. If he’d had shown the slightest bit of personality, he’d be known as the guy that took down Tiger and Phil in their prime. There’d be a famous golf phrase coined “I’m going to pull a Lucas Glover.” I don’t what that means yet, but believe me, golfers would start saying that.

There are not many opportunities in life where you can show the entire world who you are. We know you’re a good, wait…GREAT golfer, but as big of a golf nut as I am, it hurt to watch you win. I watched you play for hours this weekend, and the worst part is, I have no idea who you are.