Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 4

Avalon, NJ

The fact that Avalon is a part of the world-famous Jersey Shore should be enough of an explanation as to why it is so awesome. You, me, your mom and everyone else know that the Jersey Shore cannot be topped, just like everything else in New Jersey of course. But I'm not here to only write two sentences. I'm here to waste much more of your time than that, and give you a little look into why Avalon, NJ is such an awesome town.

Avalon, NJ is like a melting pot of all the great things that make up the different towns of the Jersey Shore. Are you in the mood for the many culinary delights that make New Jersey so awesome? Start working up your appetite. Do you want to hit the bars and spend your beach weekend three sheets to the wind while making bad decisions? Go for it. Would you rather instead find a quiet spot on the beach to relax away from the drunk kids and senior citizens? Yep, do that too. How about heading to the beach to work on your tan? "Steve, I can do that anywhere, not just in Avalon, NJ" you might be saying right now. Well loyal reader, that's where you're wrong. In Avalon, skin cancer is not possible. Therefore, you don't have to wear sunblock. Ever. And you get a sweet tan, or in my case the lobster burn. It's a fact. Look it up.

I could go on forever talking about the many different things you can do in Avalon that are totally awesome and unique to the town. But I'll keep it brief and give you a little list here, with photographic support, of some of the things in Avalon that are better than places like them anywhere else in the world.

Circle Pizza

Home of the best buffalo chicken pizza in the world. Take what you know about buff chix pizza and throw it out the window. This will change your life, at least twice a day if I have my way.

Jack's

A bar that plays host to the best cover bands in America. You want 80's? You got it. 90's? You got that too. The songs they play are better than the famous artists that originally performed them. Pure, unadulterated art.

Pirate Island Golf

Designed by Jack Nicklaus himself, this miniature golf course is rated as the most challenging course in the world, but also rated as the most fun. You can swashbuckle your way through 18 holes of unmitigated glory and ecstasy, but be ready for a challenge.

Avalon Freeze

World-famous ice cream shop, and home to the world-famous "Avalon Freezer," which is like a Dairy Queen Blizzard on steroids. Legal steroids, of course. Eating a freezer is like winning the lottery of ice cream. Only you can win this lottery as many times a day as you want. You're rich with ice cream and toppings!

The Real Enchilada

The locals pronounce the "Real" in the name like you would in Real Madrid the soccer team, but you don't have to be from Avalon to enjoy this delicious, authentic Mexican cuisine. The food here is so good, that ever since the day it opened, record amounts of illegal immigrants have been pouring into the US from Mexico just so they can get a taste of the best Mexican food on the planet. They call it, "La comida mas grande del mundo!"

The Shipwreck Sundae

Yep, more world-renowned ice cream. The Shipwreck Sundae, served daily at the Buccaneer Ice Cream Parlor in Avalon, is a testament, and tribute, to the awesomest of the 7 deadly sins, gluttony. 12 scoops of ice cream and every topping in the store, all perfectly presented in authentic pirate hats stolen right off the heads of Blackbeard's crew during the Great Avalon Pirate Purge of 1761. Think you can conquer the Shipwreck? Better bring your friends...

Bobby Dee's Rock 'N Chair

In the mood for a little late night cougar hunting? Well the Rock N' Chair is just the place for you, as the horniest cougars in the world are here and on the prowl, waiting to be tamed by 20-something men everywhere. Are you a girl and feeling left out here because you don't hunt cougars? Fear not! Mountain lions roam these plains as well, so saddle up and get ready for a feast!

So as you can see, Avalon, NJ does many things better than any other place in the world does those things. The buffalo chicken pizza is better, the ice cream is sweeter, the cougars are crazier... Avalon is, in a word, awesome. More awesome than wherever you are at this very moment. That is, unless you are in Avalon right now. And if you are, what are you reading this for?! Go out and begin your day of euphoria!

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 6/29

Since it's not football season and you don't have 600,000 word reviews of Giants games from me to look forward to on Monday, I've decided to start up a little something I like to call the "Monday Morning Brain Fart." Basically, I'm just going to write about whatever random crap is going through my head, when it's going through my head, over the course of the weekend. It'll be completely haphazard, and give you a little insight into what floats through my pee-sized brain on a regular basis. Enjoy.

Had my first port wine tonight, a Cockburn 10 year tawny. I have no idea what that means, but it was deeeelicious.

WHY WON'T IT STOP RAINING HERE?! IT'S LIKE WE LIVE IN SEATTLE. STOP CURSING US WITH YOUR NATIVE WEATHER, IAN.

Finally watched last week's Daisy of Love, and I can't believe she kicked off Big Rig and kept Chi Chi! And London is coming back?! NOOOOOO. They don't specifically say London, but it's obvious. We'll see if I'm right during the next episode. Which I will be.

The Beer Garden in Astoria, Queens is AWESOME. I love day drinking.

Ooooooo crap, shouldn't have taken that last tequila shot. It always comes back to bite you.

Yay Scott just tripped over himself and is now bleeding all over the place. Mostly on me. Text my girlfriend received on 6/27 at 11:54 PM: "Get the tide to go ready I have scotts blood all over me." Texts like that are when you know you've had a good night.

New Birkenstocks really do a number on your feet, I guess until your feet get adjusted to them. My dogs are SORE.

A-1 deli in the JC. SO MUCH BACON. MMMMMMMM.

Rangers drafted Ray Bourque's kid. Hopefully the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

ESPN - Stop glorifying Manny Ramirez' minor league stint. He's there because he took steroids and cheated the game. Stop celebrating that fact, enough is enough.

2-0 USA at the half!!! I think I just peed myself a little.

WHY THE HELL WOULD BOB BRADLEY EVER PUT IN SASHA KLJESTAN?!?  HE SUCKS.

Heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking. The US owned the first half, but unfortunately they don't give out first-place medals for winning the first half. We completely blew it in the second half. It's a big step for US Soccer, and we certainly took a positive step these past few games, but this sucks. I'm too depressed right now to write anything more about this game. Like Landon said afterwards, another final like this isn't guaranteed, so it's saddening to walk out second-best when you had a great chance to win.

Now I just watched this week's Daisy of Love and SURPRISE SURPRISE London is back. Didn't see that coming... oh wait, yes I did. He won't be alive long, however, because I'm fairly sure Flex is going to beat the eyeliner off of him soon.

The actor who plays the lead in Goal! The Dream Begins should never get another job in movies. Ever.

Just started using my new Wii Fit and it told me I was obese. Our relationship is off to a rocky start.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Glover wins US Open; lips out on life.

The New Jersey is Clean, Idiots Guest-Writer Series continues here with a submission from our wonderful friend from the south, Rich. Rich is an avid golfer, he works for the Golf Channel, his entire wardrobe is golf shirts and khakis, he sleeps with his driver... you get the idea. Rich eats, breathes, and sleeps golf.

Now when he came to me with his submission for the blog and told me it was about the US Open, I figured it was about how much of a disaster the tournament was due to the atrocious weather we had here in the northeast over the weekend, and that Rich would give us proper perspective on the tournament now that we've had a week to digest it. Well, Rich gave us perspective alright, but on a slightly different topic. So without further ado, I give you Rich's rant on the US Open.

I know you, but I don’t like you.

Yes Lucas Glover. I’m talking to you.

Glover, the same guy who turned me away for an interview after the final round of the Wyndham Championship in 2007, quoting “I have to catch a flight,” which then I quickly snapped with a “I have to catch a deadline”… I haven’t forgot that Lucas. I hope you missed your flight.

Needless to say, I wasn’t cheering for you this past weekend. In fact, I don’t know who was. I wanted you to collapse like General Lee’s troops at Antietam, just without all the blood. The only red I wanted to see was the firing of Tiger Woods fist pumps through the air like a machine gun strapped upon a tank ready to blow shit up.

But no, you and your smug face, with your cap turned low walking around probably the hardest public golf course in the world beating the best players in the world, and you can’t even crack the smallest of grins? You made arguably the best major of the year into a snooze fest, and you did it looking like Droopy Dog. Here was your chance to show the world who you are, and you provided nothing.

No one will remember you. There I said it.

I hope you feel good about joining the ranks of boring US Open winners like Steve Jones, Scott Simpson, and David Graham. Where are they now? Probably filling up my large bucket of balls at my local driving range.

With that being said, here’s a few options on how I would have acted upon walking through Bethpage State Park with the US Open trophy in my hands (in no particular order):

1) When you (or I in this case) made that clutch putt on 16 to lock this thing up, I would have thrown at least 2 continuous cartwheels, then Rocky’ed my way up the grandstands to throw a huge gainer towards the 17th tee.

2) When I’m walking up the 18th fairway, I would ran passed all the fans (who most took off of work on Monday to attend) and slap hands with each and every one of them. Think Hulk Hogan as he would make his entrance to ringside (minus “I’m a Real American” playing in the background…but on second thought, it is the US Open, and I’m American…so fuck that, I’d definitely want that playing).

3) Once I sank the final putt, I would have ran and slid to my caddy on my knees like I just won the World Cup. Mouth open, screaming “geeyawwn,” fists clenched to the sky.

4) After being presented with the trophy, I’d walk over to Phil Mickelson and say, "Phil, I’m sorry, but I can’t find your name on here? I know it’s on here…oh wait.”

5) During the post round interview, I would not accept being addressed as “Rich” or “Mr. Calabrese” but “2009 US Open Champion.” Where I’d then interrupt every question with “Did I just win the U.S. Open? I did? Have you won a major before? No? Well why not?” in the most douche-baggiest way possible.

Those are just a few examples on how any normal person would celebrate a life-crowning achievement.

If this posting sounds bitter, it’s because it is. Let’s be honest, I’m extremely jealous of Lucas Glover. Any golfer should be. It was a great U.S. Open until Lucas Glover won. If he’d had shown the slightest bit of personality, he’d be known as the guy that took down Tiger and Phil in their prime. There’d be a famous golf phrase coined “I’m going to pull a Lucas Glover.” I don’t what that means yet, but believe me, golfers would start saying that.

There are not many opportunities in life where you can show the entire world who you are. We know you’re a good, wait…GREAT golfer, but as big of a golf nut as I am, it hurt to watch you win. I watched you play for hours this weekend, and the worst part is, I have no idea who you are.

I guess I was wrong. U-S-A!!!

So of course after I ridiculed the US for some uninspired performances and wrote them off for the rest of the Confederations Cup, the impossible happened and they somehow progressed into the semi-finals against Spain. I didn't even DVR the game against Egypt because I assumed they were just going to mail-in another match and it wouldn't be worth my time. You would imagine then my surprise on Sunday night when I found out how dominant they were against Egypt. So I took my foot out of my mouth and set the DVR for Wednesday's game against Spain, who just happen to be the #1 ranked team in the world, who haven't lost in 35 matches, and who have won a world-record 15 straight matches. Oh boy. The US has no chance against them, right?

WRONG. The US came out guns-blazing in the first half, with both Charlie Davies and Clint Dempsey having great chances to score. Then in the 27th minute, Jozy Altidore used his strength to shake a Spain defender off of him like a rag doll, turn and score. 1-0 USA! Could they actually win this game? Well, before the US had a chance to think about the answer to that question, Spain unleashed a fury of attacks that put the US defense on their heels. It's unbelievable to watch how quickly Spain can get the ball into the box and create chances because of how incredibly skilled their players are. Nevertheless, the Americans were able to take their 1-0 lead into the halftime locker room after Tim Howard made a great kick save on a Fernando Torres shot.

The second half started with Clint Dempsey getting cleated in the face, along with the usual offensive onslaught by the Spanish. Wave after wave of attacks came at the US, and all were turned away by Tim Howard, who was doing his best Henrik Lundqvist impression, and the defense. The US defenders were throwing their bodies all over the field, blocking shots left and right and frustrating Spain. Then in the 74th minute, completely against the run of play, Dempsey took advantage of some lackluster defense by Sergio Ramos and scored the US' second goal, which was set up by a nice play by Benny Feilhaber and a pass from Landon Donovan that was lucky to get through. At this point you sensed that the US was going to win. There was no way they were going to give up this lead after working so hard on defense to get to this point.

The lead ultimately held, and the US recorded a historic win against the #1 team in the world. The only blemish on the match for the US was a completely ridiculous red card given to Michael Bradley in the 87th minute, most likely because the ref thought it was a rule that the US has to finish every match in this tournament with 10 men. Bradley will be sorely missed in the final, so it'll be up to his likely replacement, Benny Feilhaber, to produce a good performance against the winner of the Brazil - South Africa match.

But despite the Bradley red card - HOLY CRAP WE JUST BEAT SPAIN!!! AND IT WAS IN SOCCER!!!!! Now we will be treated to another game where we have to listen to those ridiculously annoying and stupid horns the South African fans blow throughout the entire game that make me want to gouge my ear drums out of my head, as well as more insightful analysis from color commentator John Harkes, who makes such thoughtful points as, "You need energy to win in soccer," and my personal favorite, "Spain is a good team." Really John, they are? I had no idea. Where is Ty Keough when you need him? Here's another obvious one for you John - WE'RE GOIN' TO THE SHIP!

Today is the Specialist of Special Days

Since I read minds, I can hear all of you asking me, "Steve, why is today, June 22, the most special of special days?" Why, it's my birthday of course! This earth has now been blessed with 25 years of me, with hopefully many more to come for all of your sake. So to celebrate this special day, I decided to find out what other totally cool people share a birthday with me. To the list!

1903 - John Dillinger

A notorious bank robber back in the early 1900s who, at one point, was #1 on the FBIs Most Wanted List. He once escaped a prison in Crown Point, Indiana, and also has a movie coming out based on his life, in which he is played by Johnny Depp. Anytime you're played by Johnny Depp in a movie, you must be awesome.

Does he deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? ABSOLUTELY.

1941 - Ed Bradley

Most known for his work on 60 Minutes, Bradley was the first black television correspondent to cover the White House. He was also a Knicks season-ticket holder for over 20 years. Any man who was strong enough to buy Knicks season-tickets for over 20 years is tough. Have you been to the Garden lately?

Does he deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? YOU GOT IT.

1948 - Pete Maravich

"Pistol" Pete is, to this day, considered one of the greatest college basketball players in history. He remains the record-holder for most points scored in his career, and he got that record without the benefit of a 3-point line. A true baller in any sense of the word.

Does he deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? OH FO SHO.

1949 - Meryl Streep

Academy award-winning actress who starred in one of the greatest films of all time, The Devil Wears Prada. Yes. you heard me right. That movie is AWESOME. It's on my list of "Movies I Will Watch on Network TV with Commercials Even Though I Own the DVD."

Does she deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? MOST DEFINITELY.

1953 - Cyndi Lauper

Former pop star most remembered for her song, "Girls Just Want To Have Fun." I would have said she deserved to be born on this day, but then she had to go and appear on the worst show in television history, American Idol, this past year.

Does she deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? NO. GET HER OUT.

1954 - Freddie Prinze

Who knows what he did, but who cares?! He is the reason we have been cursed with Freddie Prinze, Jr. in our lives. I think his agent gets scripts and only passes them along to his client if the movie has "SUCK" written all over it. But wait! Freddie Prinze, Jr. will be in the upcoming season of the greatest show on television, 24. He has a chance at redemption!

Does he deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? UNDECIDED PENDING 24.

1964 - Dan Brown

Noted screenwriter of mediocre fare such as The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons. What? He wrote books?

Does he deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? THE MOVIES SUCKED. NO.

1971 - Kurt Warner

NFL Quarterback famous for his rags to riches story where he goes from bagging groceries to winning Super Bowl XXXIV MVP. Major points for being a stud QB, major demerit for marrying a woman with a manlier haircut than me. However, he was ultimately redeemed by being QB for the Giants in 2004 and bridging the gap to the uber-sexy Eli Manning.

Does he deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? YOU DAMN RIGHT.

1971 - Mary Lynn Rajskub

Plays Chloe O'Brian on 24, which of course is the best show on televison. We all know CTU is absolutely nothing without her. Janeane Garofalo AIN'T SHIT compared to Chloe. And while we're on the subject, RIP Bill Buchanan. You're an American hero.

Does she deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? 100% YES.

1973 - Carson Daly

Oh god, I forgot he even existed. Forget this ever happened.

Does he deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? GOD NO.

1974 - Donald Faison

Most known for his role on Scrubs as Turk. But as far as I'm concerned, he could have retired after playing the role of Petey Jones in Remember the Titans, one of the greatest films of all time, and another member of the "Movies I Will Watch on Network TV with Commercials Even Though I Own the DVD." club. WHAT IS PAIN?! FRENCH BREAD!

Does he deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? MOST CERTAINLY. HE RECOVERED THE FUMBLE IN THE VIRGINIA STATE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.

1979 - Brad Hawpe

Outfielder for the Colorado Rockies who is an esteemed member of "Suckadas Glock," my fantasy baseball team. Has been having an excellent year, and has been a target of trade proposals from many of my opposing owners due to his prowess at the plate.

Does he deserve to be born on this most holiest of days? DEFINITELY, AS LONG AS HE KEEPS RACKING UP THE POINTS FOR DADDY.

And there you have it: a list of awesome, and not so awesome, celebrities who share a birthday with me. As you can see by some of the quality human beings I have listed above, it's no wonder June 22 is considered one of most sacred days on the calendar, both by religious groups and by the government. It is certainly grounds for going crazy, but please, celebrate at your own risk.

USA Soccer Recap

The FIFA Confederations Cup, which is being held in South Africa at the moment, was always going to be a big test for the US. Coach Bob Bradley seemed to be looking at it as a dress-rehearsal for the World Cup next year, as the competition is pretty stiff. We're in a group with the defending World Cup champs Italy, Brazil, who we all know is always excellent, and Egypt, a nation on the rise in soccer. Well, after our first two games against Italy and Brazil, and with the US effectively being eliminated from the competition (they need a miracle in order to progress to the semi-finals) due to being embarrassed in both matches, I thought it a good time to look back on the two games and see where it all went wrong.

Game 1: Italy 3 - USA 1

I actually thought the scoreline flattered the Italians in this game, as the US put in a really good effort. Jozy Altidore had a golden chance in the 29th minute after Landon Donovan had sent him through on goal, but he decided to pass it to a player wearing blue instead of take a clear shot. Unfortunately for the US, the Italians were the team wearing blue. Oops! Then it got worse in the 33rd minute, when Ricardo Clark was shown a straight red card for a tackle on Gennaro Gattuso that the Italian clearly embellished. I thought it was a ridiculous call by a referee on a power-trip, as Clark hadn't even been warned up until that point. Nonetheless, the Americans were down to 10 men, and things were looking very bleak.

Despite the fact that the US was playing a man down, they actually continued to play very well, and even took a 1-0 lead on a Donovan penalty kick right before the half after Jozy had been taken down in the box. Things were looking up even though they were short a man, and I even had some hope that they might get a good result out of the match. Good thing I didn't hold my breathe.

Shortly after the restart, the Italians brought on Giuseppe Rossi from their substitutes bench, and he completely changed the game, scoring two beautiful goals as the 10 Americans got very tired and Italy began to run around them. I hate Rossi. Hate him with a passion. Why, do you ask? BECAUSE HE WAS BORN IN AMERICA. Specifically, CLIFTON, NEW JERSEY. A guy who was born in the US, brought up in the US school system, and played soccer as a kid in the US, chose to represent Italy internationally because his parents are from there. YOU ARE A DICK. YOU WERE BORN IN AMERICA. PLAY FOR AMERICA. I DON'T CARE IF YOUR PARENT'S SKIN IS LITERALLY GREEN, WHITE AND RED AND THEY POOP ITALIAN SAUSAGE, YOU PLAY FOR AMERICA. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm sure part of this hate is born out of the fact that the US desperately needs him, as we have absolutely no attack or goalscoring prowess whatsoever and Rossi is exactly the kind of player we need. But still. He's a JERK.

Game 2: Brazil 3 - USA 0

This game was so bad, that during the first half my roommate Rory commented that it looked like the US still were down to 10 men from the previous game, as Brazil were completely dominant and running circles around them. Brazil scored in the 7th minute to set the tone for the match, then continued to play keep away from the Americans for the duration. We could not get a thing going in what was truly a pathetic display, albeit against one of the world's elite teams.

Most of the team played like crap, but none moreso than DaMarcus Beasley, who was absolutely awful in the first half. He was the sole reason for Brazil scoring their second goal, as he couldn't control a simple pass from Donovan that was no harder than a pass my grandma would give him. And it hasn't been just this game. He has been terrible for a long while now, and I can't think of a reason why Bradley keeps sticking him in there. He's hurt all the time, he never plays for his club, and when he plays for the US, he plays like dog doo. GET HIM OUT.

The US, of course, finished this game with 10 men as well, as Sasha Kljestan was the second American in the two games in this tournament to see red, though this time I thought it was somewhat justified. Where's the discipline? Meanwhile, Clint "Too Cool for School" Dempsey was too busy trying his stupid little parlor tricks to play any sort of effective soccer, and Conor Casey was jogging around at the same speed my fat ass goes on a treadmill instead of actually putting any pressure on the Brazilians up front. AND WHAT THE HELL DOES BRADLEY HAVE AGAINST FREDDY ADU?!?!? JUST PUT HIM IN THERE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! It was a truly terrible display, and we were lucky that it didn't finish 6-0.

Verdict: Uh oh!

Hopefully the US can save some face against Egypt on Sunday, though I highly doubt it since Egypt so far has scored 3 against Brazil, and actually beat Italy on Thursday. With the way the Americans performed in this tournament, as well as how recent World Cup qualifiers have been going, this looks to be a team that is moving backwards. Not so long ago, the feeling was that the US was an emerging soccer nation, and shortly would be able to compete with the world's best. The 2002 World Cup was a big step as we made it all the way to the quarterfinals and were unlucky to lose to Germany at that stage. Progress had been made afterwards, but then the US put forth that stinker in the '06 World Cup, and they've been stagnant ever since. I think the biggest problem is that so many Americans are moving abroad to play in more competitive leagues than MLS, but they aren't getting any playing time. Jozy Altidore, for example, is 19 years old and needs to be getting game time, but he's firmly planted to his club team's bench. It's a big problem, and it's one that needs to be solved quickly, or else we'll be looking at another letdown of a performance at next summer's World Cup. That is, if they even make it there.

Kobe sucks.

WHERE THE HELL DID THIS STUPID FACE COME FROM, KOBE?!

I'd been meaning to make fun of him for this face for awhile, but I was recently on vacation and had neither the time nor the desire to stop drinking, BBQ'ing, and working on my sweet irish tan to write a blog entry.

This Kobe Face has to be the most forced attempt at a "determined" look I have ever seen. First of all, Kobe had never made this face before this year's playoffs. Ever. He didn't even use that face while he was in Eagle, Colorado showing Katelyn Faber a sweet time, which, taking into consideration what he was doing, is probably the most appropriate moment for this face. I think he was sitting at home one night with Vanessa, plotting which slutty Laker cheerleaders outfits he was going to make his daughters wear at the next game, when it suddenly came to him: "Hey! I should look super determined whenever I make a good shot in tomorrow's game! That way, the TV announcers will comment on how I 'want this more than anything' and then go on for 10 minutes about how I'm the greatest ever. Brilliant!"

Well Kobe, you got your wish, because whenever you made this ridiculous face during the playoffs, Mike Breen and Co. would comment about how you "want this more than anything" because of how "determind" you looked. Then they would launch into a grand, soaring oration about how you rank as one of the top 5 players ever. I think Jeff Van Gundy even wrote a haiku about how great you are and read it aloud on air.

Then to make matters even worse, you had to go and win the championship. The inevitable group orgy ensued on SportsCenter, and now we have to listen to weeks and weeks of pointless reports from Shelley Smith about how Kobe is the man; Kobe is top 5 ever; Kobe is the greatest, blah blah blah. Well guess what Kobe, YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE GREATEST. The greatest players in history are not only transcendent superstars, but more importantly, they make everyone around them better. Michael Jordan made his teammates better. Oscar Robertson made his teammates better. So did Magic Johnson and, most recently, Lebron James. You, Kobe Bryant, do not make your teammates better. You are one of the most selfish, me-first players this game has ever seen. Sure, you have great numbers, even all-time great numbers. But you're also the king of the 30 point, 10 for 40 shooting night, with 0 assists and 1 rebound. Sure, you're getting your 30 points a night, but you're bricking 30 shots a night to get it. If we were to swap you with Lebron, you would be lucky to make the playoffs in Cleveland with that pu pu platter of a supporting cast Lebron has. Meanwhile, in LA, the Lakers would NEVER LOSE with Lebron at the helm.

In summary, you're not the greatest, nor should you be involved in the conversation. Now stop making that stupid face, unless you truly do have that severe of an underbite, in which case, I can refer you to my orthodontist if you'd like.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 3

Rick (last name deleted) Lives in NJ

My dear friend Rick, who lives in New Jersey, just recently had his bachelor party. He is a great man, and clearly, great men can only live in the greatest of all the states, New Jersey. For the bachelor party, we went to a few places in NYC (it was planned by a guy from Queens, clearly he didn't know what he was doing), but naturally, we were whisked about through the city in a limobus from - you guessed it, New Jersey.

So now, in honor of this great man from the great state of New Jersey, I present you with a few facts that sum up the kind of man Rick is. Remember while you read this: everything that is written below is 100% factual, and is certified by the Library of Congress (which is considering a relocation to New Jersey - bet you didn't know that).

When Rick gets out of his car, angels come down from heaven and lay out a red carpet for him from the car to his destination.

When Rick crosses major bridges and tunnels while driving, such as the Holland Tunnel or the George Washington Bridge, the EZ-Pass computer doesn't say "Toll Paid," it says "You're money is not good here Rick. Thank you for being you."

When Rick is driving on the Pulaski Skyway and other poor-conditioned streets, the pot holes magically close up for him before he drives over them.

Rick could re-grow hair whenever he pleases, however, he chooses to stay bald because it is his signature look. No one is bald like Rick is bald.

Strippers beg Rick to take his clothes off and dance seductively so they can watch.

Rick has been to 73 New York Yankees baseball games in his life. During those games, the Yankees are 73-0.

When people step on a Wii Fit board for the first time in their lives, it makes their characters fatter, skinnier, shorter, etc. depending on what they really look like. When Rick stepped on the Wii Fit board for the first time, the screen went blank and a phrase popped up that read, "You're perfect."

People with perfect vision see the world with 20/15 or 20/10 eyesight. Rick sees the world in 1080p HD resolution.

Rick once walked through a Crips neighborhood in Los Angeles wearing a red shirt. They left him alone, and then decided to offer him their women.

Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds took steroids because they wanted to be as strong as Rick, not because they wanted to play baseball better.

You know how when you go to a Chinese restaurant, they have 2 menus: 1 for American Chinese food and 1 for the authentic Chinese food? When Rick goes to Chinese restaurants, they hand him the Rick-only menu.

Both GM and Chrysler tried to enlist Rick's help, even before they called President Obama, in an effort to try and avoid claiming bankruptcy. However, he decided he was too busy and had better things to do.

Rick was scheduled to be on the original "Bachelor" back before he met his fiancee, however, when the network began taking applications, all of the servers crashed due to the high volume of inquiries. It turned out that 4.5 billion people all around the world applied; all 3.5 billion women on the planet, and 1 billion men, both straight and gay. The show never entered production due to the problems the network had.

Rick was once bitten by the world's most venomous snake, the Taipan, while hiking in the deserts of Australia. The snake died minutes later.

Rick was once a cameraman for the show, "Deadliest Catch." It bored him and he decided to pursue other career opportunities.

And finally...

Rick's goatee is the most perfectly groomed piece of facial hair this world has ever seen. Upon happening across Rick's goatee, God Himself asked Rick for tips on beard trimming, which Rick happily shared with him because he is so nice.

There you have it. 100% correct facts about the greatest of all great men, Rick, who lives in the greatest of all great states, New Jersey. Not surprisingly, this is but a sampling of how great Rick is. I could go on forever. If you have any 100% true facts about Rick that you would like to share, please submit them. If I can certify that they are factual, I will post them at a later date so people can gain further insight into the greatness that is Rick.

An Open Letter to Mr. John Mayer

I am not a big music guy. I like it, don't get me wrong, but I'd much rather listen to sports talk radio in the car or watch TV at home instead of locking myself in my room, applying black eye-liner and then slitting my wrists while listening to Alkaline Trio's latest. I LOVE THE PAIN. IT TAKES ME AWAY FROM THE MONOTONY OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE. THAT AND MY GIRLFRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH ME, AND HIGH SCHOOL IS DEFINITELY NOT OVER. Sorry I got carried away there.

Anyway, my friend Joseph is a big music guy, though not the emo parents-hater that I described above. He'll dabble in it for sure, and he wears tight pants and cardigans, but he has more eclectic musical taste, which, for a long time, has included John Mayer. He's loved John Mayer for years now, so much so that there is an autographed picture of Mayer next to his toilet (I'll let you draw your own conclusions). But alas, there is trouble in paradise. And Joseph is here to share that trouble with you. So without further ado, I give you "An Open Letter to Mr. John Mayer," penned by New Jersey is Clean, Idiots' first guest-writer, Joseph.

Dear John,

We’ve been together a long time, you and I. Through both feast and famine, the Bush administration, the aftermath of Y2K, and the Von Dutch trucker hat, your melodies have dusted the soundtrack of my existence much like that of a scene from a demented romantic comedy that lacks both requisite components. John, I’ll be honest – it’s been a test of both emotional endurance and musical devotion, but, regrettably, things have finally come to a head. It’s time we had a little chat. Please listen and listen well.

You’re a douche.

I can certainly look beyond the fact that your greatest commercial successes are tied to such lyrical revelations as, “One pair of candy lips,” and, wait for it, “Your bubblegum tongue.” Granted, if you really get off on Dubble Bubble, more power to you. The creepy-solo-face-thing? You probably go 6 to midnight every time you try and hone your inner Hendrix. So be it. Your affinity for courting America’s favorite tabloid fodder? Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking you entertained Joe Simpson’s wonder child for her insights into the global economy. I don’t hold it against you. Not entirely, at least.

But, seriously, shut the fuck up.

Your Twitter page is a busted caps lock and mullet fro short of Mr. Jesus Walks, though even he seems a step above the fervor with which you “tweet” like a pubescent parakeet from hell. Please put down the narcissism you peddle as intelligent introspection, put your tray table back in its upright position, and prepare for landing back in reality where no one needs to know you’re “having a bad pubic hair day.” You speak the truth in stating Twitter “has lost a little bit of its new car smell.” Yes, John, you bought a lemon. Please take it back. It smells like pubes.

And, no, it’s not the tattoos, the oodles of TMZ-worthy cover girls in your future, or the fact that “Your Body is a Wonderland” makes me want to violently punch an infant. The guitar gymnastics you perform? God-like. Musicianship? Top notch. But, honestly, lock it up.

Today has been a long day coming, John, but it’s finally over between us. Our ship has sailed, but not before you were tossed overboard to drown in a pleasant, little sea of self-concern. My only hope is that the sharks enjoy your body. And all your candy-coated insides.

Joe

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 2

The Statue of Liberty

"Steve, isn't the Statue of Liberty in New York? Why would you say that the Statue of Liberty is reason number 2 as to why New Jersey is so awesome?" Well, I'm glad you asked! The reason the Statue of Liberty is the second reason as to why New Jersey is awesome, is because it is in New Jersey! That's right. The Statue of Liberty, the most enduring and iconic symbol of the values and freedoms associated with the United States of America, is in New Jersey. The greatest statue is in the greatest state.

Now I know some of you are crying softly to yourselves, especially those of you in New York, because you thought the Statue was, in fact, in New York. And it's understandable as to why you would think this. It's on NYC t-shirts. It's on NYC post cards. It's on NYC license plates. But alas, it's not on NYC territory. Let me hit you with some facts to back this up:

1) The Statue of Liberty sits on the New Jersey side of the legally designated line that separates New York and New Jersey on the Hudson River.

2) Liberty Island, where the Statue stands, is a mere 2,000 feet from Jersey City. It is over 2 miles from New York City. Proximity! BOOM!

3) The easiest way to get to Liberty Island to check out the sights? Liberty State Park, of course. Where is Liberty State Park? Yep, NEW JERSEY.

4) The official title of the Statue of Liberty is "Liberty Enlightening the World." What would you technically enlighten the world with? A light bulb. Where was the light bulb invented? You got it, NEW JERSEY!

So there you have it: concrete, hard evidence that backs up the fact that the Statue of Liberty is in the great state of New Jersey, not in New York City. And trust me, I've got millions of more facts where those came from. That was merely a sampling. Now, every time you think of the Statue and everything it represents: freedom, liberty, new beginnings, you can also think about how it is located in the greatest state in the union, New Jersey!

America is Stupid.

Even though I am a die-hard fan of the New York Rangers and am still upset over the fact that they suck and were eliminated in the 1st round of the playoffs this year, I still love watching the playoffs. Therefore, I wanted to tune into Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals on Tuesday night. NBC and the Artist Formerly Known as the Outdoor Life Network are the broadcast partners for the NHL, so I navigated my way to NBC, thinking that a huge event like the Cup Finals would be on network television. I reached NBC, amped and ready to go for playoff hockey, and... I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! was on?!?!?? WHAT?!?!?

You read me right. A reality show featuring D-list, washed up "celebrities" that even Perez Hilton wouldn't care about was on NBC instead of the STANLEY CUP FINALS. They were on Versus instead. Yep, Versus. A channel that 87% of America hasn't heard of. Good job Gary Bettman. Seriously.

I cannot accurately portray my anger at this turn of events through the medium of the written word. A reality show that demonstrates that studio execs and producers have completely run out of good ideas, featuring the list below of Grade-A, USDA Prime Douche Bags, was on instead of the Cup Finals, because America would rather watch this moose poo. I am appalled.

People America cares more about than the NHL:

Heidi Montag

Girl from fake "reality" show whose former best friend would like to see her dead.

Spencer Pratt

Douchy husband of girl, above, whose former best friend would like to see her dead.

Janice Dickinson

Wikipedia tells me she is a former supermodel. My brain tells me that she looks like crap because half of her ass has been transplanted into her lips.

John Salley

Former NBA-er whose most notable career accomplishment was being co-host of the Best Damn Sports Show, Period. Really?

Lou Diamond Phillips

The King of the made-for-TV movie.

Patti Blagojevich

Woman who no one cares about, but she's cashing in on her husband being an actual criminal.

Stephen Baldwin

Turned down the role of Jack in Speed. A career-defining mistake if you ask me. IDIOT.

Sanjaya Malakar

"Famous" for being a shitty singer on the world's worst show, American Idol.

Torrie Wilson

WWE chick who will kick my ass if I say something mean about her.

Frangela

WHO?!?

So there you have it. The roster of people who, if I were to call them wastes of life, would be flattered. And they're on NBC instead of the Stanley Cup Finals. I have to go to Versus to watch a ridiculously exciting game, featuring some of the most exciting players in hockey (which my Rangers have absolutely NONE of, but I'll get to that in the coming weeks in my off-season Rangers rant), instead of on actual network TV because America would rather watch F-list "celebrities" make complete idiots of themselves. America - you're stupid.

It's a Dance-off.

Few things in life bring more joy to more people than a good, solid dance-off. And no, I don't mean those crappy break-dancing movies, of which a new installment comes out every 3-6 months. You know that genre has been brutally murdered when the Wayan's brothers are releasing a spoof of it. Scary Movie was enough fellas. Please stop.

Anyway, by good, solid dance-off, I mean that moment where a couple of guys or gals can put aside their egos for a moment and start doing ridiculous dances for the sole purpose of entertaining their drunk friends, even though they look like complete morons (see: any wedding). A moment just like this recently occurred during a rain delay of a Big East baseball game between UConn and South Florida. Even better, it was all caught on tape. Read along with me as you watch the video, sent by our good friend from the deep south, RCal.

UConn comes right out with the Superman dance from that song by Soulja Boy. Come on guys, seriously? That dance is old, tired, and used. I think it should be retired, permanently. No points for originality for the UConn team.

South Florida immediately counters by unleashing #44 on them. #44 has some serious moves. I wish I could dance like him. Hell, Usher wishes he could dance like him. I have a hard time believing #44 is white.

The UConn players remind me of an 8th grade dance. They're all standing around, waiting for someone to actually get on the dance floor and awkwardly move around a bit, thereby making it OK for everyone else to join in. Except they all suck at dancing. The macarena is a mild rebound, but seriously, who doesn't know that dance? Oh right, a couple of the UConn players. They suck so hard they can't even get the macarena right. Shame.

Holy shit! South Florida broke out the grenade toss where all the players hit the deck! I LOVE THAT MOVE. And Michael Jackson emerged from the pile! Is that the real Michael Jackson? I think so. South Florida is deucing all over UConn at this point. It's not even a contest. They even sent out #44 again to embarrass UConn even more. This is getting ugly.

UConn redeemed itself slightly with that guy who put his uniform on upside down and ran around the tarp, making it look like he was doing hand-stands the whole time. You have to love his head bulging through the crotch of his pants, making it look like he has a severe case of elephantitis.

RIVER DANCE!?!?! YES! Nothing like a good Irish Jig to spice up a dance-off. #19 for UConn has some skill in this area, but #29 for USF is the next coming of Michael Flatley. I'm impressed. This dance-off is rocketing up the whiteness scale.

Some tarp-sliding happens, as well as UConn breaking into more 8th grade dance activities as the video ends. All in all, you can't argue with the fact that the South Florida baseball team is just more talented on the dance floor than their counterparts from UConn. Between #44, Michael Jackson in warmups, and #29 in the River Dance, it's a clean sweep for USF.