If anyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called "10 Minutes"

Kill yourself, Dana Walsh. And let it be known from now on that I will never refer to her by name in this blog EVER again. She shall henceforth be known as BITCH.

Let's revisit our handy-dandy character key to discuss last night's episode of real life, er, I mean, 24:



1) Arlo Glass - Was hot on the trail of the cab of 4 Indians with a nuclear bomb until that BITCH screwed with the satellites and threw them off course. Thankfully he didn't hit on her in this episode. He'll feel really dirty when he finds out the truth about BITCH.

2) BITCH - YOU BITCH! (BEEP) YOU YOU STUPID (BEEP BEEP BEEP) SLUT WHORE PIECE OF (BEEP BEEP) I'M GOING TO STAB YOUR (BEEP BEEP BEEP) EYEBALLS YOU (BEEP) WAIT TIL COLE FINDS OUT YOU (BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP) I WANT YOU TO DIE YOU (BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)

3) Brian Hastings - The spirit of Bill Buchanan is getting stronger and stronger with this one. His speech to everyone at CTU as they approached under 50 minutes until the bomb went off was inspiring, and you're starting to see that he's catching on to the BITCH's shenanigans. Keep it up, Brian. And as always, RIP Bill Buchanan. Your country grieves your loss every single day.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Still God behind the keyboard, though she was temporarily thrown off by the BITCH disabling the satellites. Doesn't matter what the BITCH does though, Chloe will figure it all out eventually.

5) Cole Ortiz - Showed us a keen sense of direction and knowledge of the New York City streets, as well as continued his wonderful reign as Jack's right hand man. Also showed us his instinct when he pointed out to Jack that it was "convenient" that the satellites went out right as they were about to catch the cab with the rods in it. I am, however, surprised that Jack didn't kill Cole through the phone when Cole had the audacity to question Chloe's integrity. I would suggest never doing that again, Cole.

6) Renee Walker - Makes quite the partner with Jack, as they teamed up to take out a whole team of elite US Marines by themselves. Continues to show us her pinpoint accuracy on the 9 mill, while at the same time looking very hot.

7) Jack Bauer - The Man. The Myth. The Legend. When President Taylor wants something done, she calls on Jack Bauer, and once again he delivered by saving President Hassan's life even though he may or may not have broken ribs and a collapsed lung. If I have a son and he grows up to be .0001% the man that Jack is, my son will be the 2nd greatest human to ever walk this Earth. 2nd to Jack, of course.

8) Omar Hassan - While under siege by the Marines who wanted to turn him over to the terrorists, he showed us that he too is quite handy with a 9 millimeter. Not sure about his genes, however, as Kyla Hassan is turning out to be pretty useless. First she falls in love with a terrorist and lets him become Omar's head of security, then she sprains her ankle as they're running from the marines and slows the whole party down. She sucks.



9) Allison Taylor - Delivered a stirring, impassioned speech about the core values of America when presented with the idea of just turning Hassan over to the terrorists to avoid the bomb going off in NYC. Also knows to call Jack Bauer when she needs something done. Smart lady.

10) Rob Weiss - Now THIS guy is in a whole shitload of trouble. He went along with General Buckner's idea to capture Hassan and turn him over to the terrorists, which failed because of Jack Bauer. Then he decided to let Ethan Kanin suffer through a heart attack instead of calling an ambulance for fear of Kanin snitching on them. I hope he's ready for hell to be unleashed on him.

Other random thoughts on last night's proceedings:

- I think Samir, the lead terrorist, is the calmest terrorist in history. That guy never smiles, or frowns, or gets angry... nothing. Just goes about his business, ruining lives and killing thousands. Ho hum.

- Tarin, who is now charged with driving the bomb to it's detonation site, is looking a little skittish to me. He has that look on his face that makes me believe that he won't go through with it, even though he has begun the countdown. Maybe he does actually love Kyla and she is pregnant with his child, a little terrorist fetus, that he doesn't want to die in the explosion. How cute!

- Agent O'Connor, the female Secret Service agent who was leading the team to escort President Hassan out of the UN before Jack showed up, has some SERIOUS nuts. That girl is badass! After holding off the marines for a while, she looks up at Jack, tells him she knows what she has to do, then jumps up from cover and starts firing liked a crazy person. I assume she's dead, but if she isn't, she deserves a spin-off!

- I'm not going to give away who, just in case you didn't see the scenes from next week, but (Enter name here) is BACK!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! ;LSJDNGO IEGN;SLDKNV;LDSLV;DJ;DFJLK;FLKDNS;LJA]JO[F Weinogp98HG3[u!!!!!!!!!!

(pants wetting)

MMBF - 3/29: Let's Go Red Bulls!

Greetings children on this rainy, chilly Monday here is the New Jersey, the greatest state in all the land. This March is certainly not going out like a lamb, though if it is, it's going out like a lamb that was just dropped in a tub of ice water... before of course becoming a wonderful lamb chop or piece of veal for me to eat. Mmmmmm, delicious. I now expect PETA to throw fake animal blood on my blog.

I'd like to begin by giving CBS a big ol' F- for it's coverage of the NCAA tournament over the weekend. First of all, Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery should be doing every game. Nobody makes life more exciting than Gus Johnson, and no one color-commentates like Bill Raftery. A pairing of these two geniuses would be a never-ending wet dream. Second, I wanted to jump off of a bridge on Friday night when CBS was staying with a lame Duke team that no one likes instead of switching over to the Northern Iowa-Michigan St. game, which was in its closing minutes, was a very close game, and featured one of the biggest story lines of the tournament that EVERYONE was into (Northern Iowa's Cinderella run). Memo to CBS: WE ALL THINK DUKE IS ANNOYING. NOT AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU THINK ACTUALLY LIKE THEM. STOP MAKING US WATCH THEM ALL THE TIME. They're just a bunch of snobby white kids, where one kid is pastier than the next. They all complain endlessly about fouls like little babies, and none of them are going to succeed in the NBA. We don't need to see them. Of course, they're going to the Final Four, so I'm forced to watch them for another weekend. Go West Virginia!

Speaking of Duke, how ugly is Kyle Singler? It's like Powder had sex with the Blue Devils mascot, and they produced this horrific basketball-playing human being. When I see him, I suddenly know what hell will be like: Me sitting there with Kyle Singler staring at me for all eternity. I need to start donating more money to charity or join Habitat for Humanity or something so I don't have to go through that.



Sunday I decided to do a little DVR clean-up, part of which involved me finally getting around to watching Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. the New York Knicks, one of ESPN's 30 for 30 documentaries. I loved it. As a kid, I didn't really get into the NBA too much (not that I do now though either. The NBA is boring). The only NBA basketball I really watched was Michael Jordan of course, and the playoff series that the Knicks were involved with, pretty much because they were the local team. I had no real rooting interest. But I do remember very clearly the rivalry between the Knicks and Reggie Miller, and this documentary showed everything about that rivalry perfectly. My favorite part was the section that discussed the trash-talking between Miller and Knicks guard John Starks (who can't have more than a 5th grade education, and you can't convince me otherwise). Really funny stuff. It was also interesting to see how much of a brawl NBA basketball really was back in the mid 90s. It's like people went to a boxing match and an NBA game broke out - fascinating to see how much the game as changed (it was more entertaining back then, though I would think basketball purists would think otherwise). Overall, a really great documentary. I highly recommend it.

I most certainly will delve into much greater depth on this topic at a later date, but I wanted to give a quick mention to the fact that this weekend was the official announcement that this season, season 8, is the last ever for 24. A moment of silence please.








Thank you. Today truly marks the beginning of the end of an era.

Ever since I went to an Ithaca (club team) vs. Cornell (JV team) hockey game when I was in college and almost got in a fight with the entire Cornell varsity team, I have been in love with college hockey. It's just really awesome to watch, and last night's game between Miami University (that's for you, Cordes) and Michigan was just another example of how great it is. The winner of the game moved on to the Frozen Four, so both teams were literally pouring their hearts out on the ice. I was rooting for Miami because my roommate is an alum, and thankfully they won a couple of minutes into the second overtime, sending Cordes into what I imagine were raptures, raptures that I hope did not cause any sort of heart malfunction. Actually, now that I think about it, I haven't seen him on gchat yet this morning. Cordes! Let us know you're alive! And the rest of you, do yourself a favor and watch the Frozen Four next weekend, you won't be disappointed.

And finally, Saturday was the first regular season game for the New York Red Bulls in their shiny new stadium in Harrison, NJ, aptly titled Red Bull Arena. I decided we needed to go to this game because A) we love soccer, and B) we needed to see the new stadium, which everyone was saying is already the best soccer-only stadium in North America. We began the day with a little pregame hooligan party, only instead of smashing beer bottles and stabbing the fans of the visiting team (the Chicago Fire) in the neck, we played Mario Kart, NBA Jam and baseball (the drinking game version) all while sampling the finest of brews: Natural's Lightest, the Rocky Mountain Refreshment, and the Champagne of Beers. We then proceeded to go to the game via PATH train, which was incredibly easy and convenient. And the stadium itself was absolutely beautiful. It looks like one big UFO in the middle of nothing, but once inside, it has everything you would want in a smaller soccer venue. The roof covers the crowd but not the field, so all the noise generated by the fans is trapped inside, making it really loud for the duration of the match. All the seats have a great view, so there isn't a bad seat in the house, and the main group of Red Bulls psycho supporters are so loud that the atmosphere is pretty awesome. The Red Bulls won 1-0, which made them go even crazier, chanting loudly and setting of smoke bombs. It was pretty cool. Then the Chicago fans took their team's name a little too seriously and started setting off red flares, though luckily they didn't burn the stadium down. Fun times! You should definitely check it out.



Now onto my complaints about the experience! The concessions stands were painfully slow, almost to the point where I thought Scott and my girlfriend had been kidnapped and murdered at one point while they were getting beers and hot dogs. That needs to improve, though I would imagine it will as they iron out the wrinkles of putting on these events in a brand new stadium - it was the first game, after all. My other main complaint was the cluster(beep) at the PATH station on the way out after the game. There is only 1 entrance to the Harrison PATH station, so when 20,000-some odd people are trying to get in 1 door, madness ensues. It took forever to get to the platform. They seriously need to consider putting in more entrances and making the platform bigger, because it was a bit of a problem. Come to think of it, why even is there a PATH station in Harrison? It was there long before Red Bull Arena, but there is NOTHING there. There are 3 or 4 abandoned warehouses and lots of parking lots. Is there even a town of Harrison? Or did they just give a name to a parking garage? I don't get it. But despite these gripes, I will be going back to see more Red Bulls games, and you should too. Great times.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Jack Bauer only reloads to make the terrorists think they have a chance

My thoughts on last night's gut-wrenching episode of 24 just as soon as my pants loosen up after watching Erin Andrews on Dancing with the Stars last night...

- Please die, Dana Walsh.

- Apparently CTU's cell phone service comes from AT&T, because when Jack and Cole (a new drink perhaps?) pulled up to the dock to engage the terrorists and tried to contact CTU, Cole complained about having 4 bars but the call not going through. It sounded all too familiar to those of us with AT&T...



- I enjoyed that at the beginning of the longest firefight in history, Tarin looked out with binoculars and identified Jack Bauer, at which point they all started panicking because of how awesome he is. But then Tarin said that Jack is "one of" CTU's best agents. WRONG TARIN. Idiot. He is the best. Not one of.

- It must be a prerequisite in 24 that if you work for a government agency other than CTU, you must have a MASSIVE ego, which was the case with the head of the NSA New York branch who came to help CTU get back on its feet after the EMP attack. Damn good thing that Chloe again proved how awesome she is by sticking a gun in the douche's face and shooing him away so she could get the job done, like she always does time and time again.

- I think we all knew that Nervous Nellie Owen would eat the big eat at some point this season, but who woulda thunk that it would have been doing something so heroic? I assumed he would have been the guy who broke formation behind the armored plates with Jack and Cole (mmmm, tasty drink) and f'ed everything up, not the other agent who actually did that. Instead Owen was a hero by running into the middle of a firefight to save his fallen comrade. Unfortunately he didn't make it, but he died doing the right thing. RIP son.

- I'm starting to come around to Brian Hastings, because it seems as though he's finally realized that Chloe will do everything faster and better than anyone else at CTU. He's also quit being such a pussy and is now giving the orders instead of taking them from douchebags like the NSA guy. Perhaps the spirit of Bill Buchanon is slowly infiltrating his brain, and he's now starting to think more clearly. Once again, RIP Bill. We miss and love you.

- Jack Bauer just keeps re-defining the word "hero." It's getting ridiculous with how high he's setting the bar for other men of justice to aspire to, because they never will. He is a god, plain and simple. On this occasion he decided to use himself as a decoy for machine gun fire so that Cole could make it to the landline to contact CTU. He killed a couple terrorists, of course, then took a few bullets himself. You think those bullets did any harm to him though? Pshhhhh. He's Jack Bauer. And of course Cole made it to the phone. What a hero Jack is.



- Now that she seems to be over her emotional problems, it was good to see Renee get back in the field and continue this season's badassery, this time with a few well-placed 9 millimeter rounds in terrorists faces. She just marches right up, and BANG! Terrorist dead. I think her and Cole and competing for marksman of the year this season. I love it. You go girl.

- I think the right play when you're getting strangled from behind by a choke-cord (like the parole officer was by Dana Walsh when she decided killing him was the only way out) is to play dead quickly, then when she lets go because she thinks you're dead, you flip around and kill her. Unfortunately he didn't do that, so now he's dead and Dana's alive, which then lead to her making a phone call that revealed... wait, what? SHE IS A TERRORIST?!?!??!?! WHAT THE FUCK! I knew her stupid story line would end up tying into the main story line eventually, or else the 24 writers wouldn't have bothered with it, but I had no idea it would tie in like this. Holy shit. As if I didn't hate her enough before, now I'm just going off the deep end with anger. Kudos, 24 writers. You totally got me there. Now the terrorists are piled into a cab with the nuclear rods in Manhattan. 4 Indians in a cab. Yep. Never gonna find 'em.

MMBF - 3/22: RIP 2010 New York Rangers

Greetings on this most rainiest of Mondays here in the Garden State, aka the Greatest State in All the World, aka New Jersey. You'll have to excuse me for making this a Monday Afternoon Brain Fart, however, it took me the entire morning to recover from the extreme vomiting that was caused by having to look at and listen to Nancy Pelosi last night. I think I'll be ok, though my esophagus burns a bit.

How incredible has this NCAA tournament been so far? The upsets, the buzzer beaters... it's just been enthralling television. It's a good thing I was stuck at work and had to miss most of it on Thursday and Friday, right! (Excuse me while I crush this glass against my forehead. Thank you.) At least this weekend still had it's fill of big upsets for me to see. St. Mary's beat Villanova because 'Nova couldn't stop St. Mary's big man (who apparently hasn't met a cheeseburger he didn't love) and Scottie Reynolds, 'Nova's best player, was the worst player on the floor. Northern Iowa upset the number 1 overall seed, Kansas, in an incredible game that was won when Northern Iowa's Ali Farjfhnfn:DLjhglsjkngDLkj made a gutsy three with about 30 seconds left. And the Big Red of Cornell continued their Shortstop-fueled Cinderella run through the tournament with an emphatic win over Wisconsin. Ithaca, represent. I also learned from CBS and its pregame show on Saturday that it is impossible to be a big time college basketball star unless you grew up in a drug-riddled and gang-infested neighborhood and were raised by your grandmother who kept some other kids in the neighborhood straight as well by welcoming them into her home. I never stood a chance.



Last Wednesday was of course St. Patrick's Day, and aside from the usual shenanigans that occur on that day, it was always the 1 day a year where my mom would make us corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots and irish soda bread. It's my favorite dinner of the year. But since I went away to college in 2002 and am now on my own, those St. Patty's Day dinners have been few and far between. Not this year, however! I was back at the crib this weekend, so my mom decided to wait to the weekend to make my favorite meal ever. Mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm! If you haven't tried the New Jersey of dinners I highly suggest you partake. I can still taste the deliciousness. I can also still smell it. I have no friends around me right now.

I saw Up in the Air on Saturday, and I really, really liked it. I thought it was interesting, funny, quirky, emotional, well-written and well-acted - just a really great movie. I thought Dr. Doug Ross was awesome, and that Anna Kendrick was even better. I've heard a lot of people say that it's a depressing movie, and I can see where they're coming from. I don't want to give too much away for those of you who haven't seen it, so if you absolutely don't want to know anything, move on to the next paragraph. But Clooney's character was a gun-for-hire that companies brought in to fire people, basically. And most of the people he was firing were older people who thought they had no hope of finding other employment because of their age. My dad is an employed 60 year old man with a daughter in college, a mortgage, car payments, etc. He was the kind of person Clooney was firing, and he thought the movie was depressing. I totally get it, and I understand it. But seeing as I'm not in that position, and haven't experienced anything like that at this young age, I took the movie for what it was: a character study about a man who was only content when he was alone, flying from place to place, with no personal connections. He loved it. And when it was all seemingly taken away from him, he changed. Just a great movie, and one that I have decided to break out the ol' Eli Manning Face rating system for! 4 and a half out of 5!



As I said in a previous post, when baseball is back, life is good again, and it gets even better when fantasy baseball season begins, which it did for me last night. I LOVE fantasy baseball, if only because it's the time of year when you can be the GM and make your own team. We spend much of our sports seasons yelling at the TV and criticizing our teams, saying we could do a better job in putting them together. Well in fantasy, that's when you have your chance. And seeing as I won my big money league last year, I'd have to say I did a swell job of it. I also have morals when it comes to fantasy, which sometimes hurts my pursuit of victory. In baseball, I hate the Red Sox, the Mets, and the Phillies, therefore, I refuse to have any players from those teams on my fantasy team. It's reality over fantasy for me. I can't root for those sons of bitches, so I can't have them on my team. It was nice to see last year that my conviction paid off with a championship.

Life premiered on the Discovery Channel last night, and it was AWESOME. It's basically the same thing as Planet Earth, but instead of concentrating on the locales and moving around the globe in regions, Life concentrates solely on the animals, going through them one category at a time, with last night being the reptiles and amphibians. I am continuously amazed by how they get the shots that they do. They are so ridiculously close to these animals that are as big as a finger nail - it's just unreal. And it's beautiful. The only complaint I have about the whole thing is that Oprah is the narrator, and she just isn't very good. It sucks that Discovery felt like we needed to have a name like Oprah narrate it so that people would watch it, because the show itself is beautiful enough to attract a huge audience without her. Her voice just doesn't work with the nature stuff. Get me Mike Rowe!

And finally, I'd like to say a big, fat, emphatic Rest In Peace to the 2010 New York Rangers, one of the most frustrating teams I have ever had the displeasure of watching. I am diehard, so I have no choice. I have to watch, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. But it is just getting ridiculous. How many shit years do the Rangers need to have before there is a front-office shakeup? Oh right, at least 20 more, because James Dolan is the worst owner in sports. Hands down. This is the man who kept Isiah Thomas in his job with the Knicks even though he had signed players to some of the worst contracts in history, completely ruined the franchise and alienated the fan base, AND had a sexual harassment suit filed against him. And now Dolan is keeping Glen Sather in his job as Rangers GM even though he's won a grand total of TWO playoff series in his 10 years on the job, and done all the same things that Isiah did minus the sexual harassment suit. Where is he getting this job security from? He won championships with Edmonton, as the head coach, in the 1980s. THAT'S 30 YEARS AGO. Stop giving him credit for those when they were a lifetime ago when he's in the process of burning a once-proud franchise to the ground. He has obviously demonstrated that he doesn't have what it takes to be a GM. With the Rangers 2-1 loss to Boston yesterday that puts us 5 points out of a playoff spot with 10 games to go, it will take a miracle to make it. And even if we do, we'll get slaughtered in the first round by Washington. They play with no heart, no passion, they can't score goals, the power play is atrocious, the defense sucks... how does Glen Sather still have a job?!??! I'm getting angry and starting to sweat just thinking about this, and I'm getting even angrier knowing that Sather is probably not going to be fired and will put together another overpaid, under-talented, shit roster for me to watch next year. And watch them I will. Joke's on me I guess.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 10

Our Citizens are Ambitious and Goal-Oriented

Many people come to America because this is a land where dreams come true. It's a land of opportunity. If you want something, you go out and you make it happen. Hard work pays off. Dreams come true.

A microcosm of this American spirit is the great state of New Jersey, the greatest of all the states here is this great country. Truth be told, the "Land of Opportunity" actually began here in New Jersey, then grew to the rest of the country when everyone else found it to be so awesome. The citizens of this wonderful state are an ambitious lot. We set goals, and we achieve them. There is no mountain too high, nor bridges too far. It is all within your reach here in the most incredible piece of land in this country.

Take for instance this go-getter from our great state that I learned about in one of the most reputable and scrupulous publications in the US, the New York Post. (be sure to come back after reading the link. I have no idea how to program the link to open in a different window).

Talk about goals! Talk about ambition! This woman is going up against history, and who dares to doubt her? There can only be 1 fattest woman in the world, and Donna Simpson is going to be that woman, because if a person from New Jersey sets a lofty target such as this one, they always hit that target. You think a woman from Ohio could do this? California? Kentucky? Please. Serious dreamers only need apply. And you'll only find an ambitious hero like this in the great state of New Jersey.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Thought for Food - Donna Simpson, Le Whif & Cat Litter
www.colbertnation.com
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As you can see, this has garnered so much attention that the most well-respected and integrity-filled journalist of our time, Stephen Colbert, decided to feature it on his nightly news program this past Tuesday night. (You may have noticed a loud "WHOOP" at the very beginning when he said New Jersey for the first time - yep. That was me in the crowd.) Now, he only decided to feature this woman because he knew she could attain her lofty goal because she's from New Jersey. If Donna was from Pennsylvania, Colbert wouldn't have even sniffed this story, because he knows that only the women of the fine state of New Jersey have the gumption and the intestinal fortitude - not to mention capacity - to strive for such greatness.

You will also see in the video that she has been receiving food gifts from people around the country so that she may achieve her goal more quickly. Donna, please heed the following warning from a fellow New Jerseyan: BEWARE OF GIFTS SENT TO YOU FROM PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF NEW JERSEY. They are only jealous of your zeal for greatness because they are unable to muster up the determination to achieve such greatness on their own. If I were you, I would only trust gifts from the great people of the great state of New Jersey. We are your friends. We will help you to become a legend.

Keep up the great work, Donna. New Jersey stands behind you. Well, next to you if we want to see anything in front of us... you get the idea though.

The Only Bracket Analysis You Need

It's the day before the NCAA Tournament officially begins. You've been busy at work and haven't had time to look at a bracket, let alone fill one out. It's also St. Patrick's Day, so you're drunk and your arms are covered in vomit, so you really can't look at a bracket anyway. But you HAVE to have it filled out by noon tomorrow. This is where I come in, and why you're here. I'll give you everything you need to know about each region. Not the winner of some inconsequential 7-10 matchup, just my sleeper, my big upset, and my winners. Boom. Cut and dry. So wipe away the puke and observe:

MIDWEST

Sleeper: No sleepers here! The good teams are just too good in this bracket. It is positively loaded.

Upset Special: San Diego St. over Tennessee (First Round)
Tennessee thinks it can distract teams with it's obnoxious all-orange jerseys, but not the Aztecs! It's science - Indians can't see the color orange.

Region Winner: Ohio St. over Kansas
OSU has the best player in the country - Evan Turner. 'Nuff said. Kansas may have all the experience and depth, but they don't have Turner.

WEST

Sleeper: Murray St. and BYU
I'll give you 2 since there weren't any in the Midwest. Murray St. just sounds like a school that no one knows where the hell it is that will make a run to the Sweet 16. And BYU... well, you never doubt Mormons, right? Plus the whitewash they can throw on the court will blind Kansas St. into a 2 for 30 3-point shooting performance.

Upset Special: Murray St. over Vanderbilt (First Round)
Vanderbilt kids will be too busy studying for their upcoming finals to look at tape of a school they've never heard of because, let's be honest, settling for anything less than a Vanderbilt education would be... uncivilized.

Region Winner: Pittsburgh over Syracuse
Big East represent. I always love Pitt's toughness. Syracuse's zone won't be able to contain crazed Pitt players being fueled by french frie sandwiches.

EAST

Sleeper: Marquette
They're a 6 seed, so they count! Marquette is another beast from the Big East who I love. You can't doubt teams who come from unquestionably the best conference in the nation.

Upset Special: Marquette over New Mexico (2nd Round)
It's the biggest seed-difference victory I have in my bracket here in front of me, so I guess I have to pick this one, even though I don't consider it too much of an upset. New Mexico would probably be 3-13 in the Big East.

Region Winner: West Virginia over Kentucky
I absolutely love the way WVU plays basketball. They have a ton of skill, a ton of depth, and they're battle-tested by playing in, you guessed it, the Big East. John Wall's got alligator arms in pressure situations, so expect a choke job followed by the patented Donovan McNabb in-game vomit.

SOUTH

Sleeper: Siena
13 seed Siena plays a number 4 Purdue team in the first round that has seemingly forgotten what a basketball looks like in recent days, plus they're the Saints. Are we seeing a pattern developing here?

Upset Special: Louisville over Duke (2nd Round)
Duke sucks and is overrated, and Louisville is from the Big East. Onions!

Region Winner: Notre Dame over Louisville
ND was one of, if not the, hottest team in the country coming down the stretch, and I expect that hot streak to continue. Plus their Talented and Awkward White Guy Ratio, or TAWGR as it's known in educational circles, is off the charts since they have Luke Harangody and Tyler Hansbrough's little bother. There's no denying them.

FINAL FOUR

Ohio St. over Pittsburgh
Like I said, OSU has Evan Turner. I have nothing more to say about this.

West Virginia over Notre Dame
While ND has been incredibly hot, WVU has been slightly hotter, as you can see by their Big East tournament victory. Backwoods hicks beat educated Catholics here.

CHAMPIONSHIP

West Virginia over Ohio St.
Like I said, OSU has Evan Turner. BUT HE DOESN'T PLAY IN THE BIG EAST. Best player in the country = nullified by battle-hardened skill. Go Mountaineers!

So there you have it, all of the teams you know you shouldn't pick this year, now that I've jinxed them all. I do it every year, so trust me when I say this: DON'T USE MY PICKS. PICK THE OPPOSITE. You're much better off copying the bracket of the chick sitting in the cubicle next to you who picks the teams based on which mascot would perform better in a threesome.

MMBF - 3/15: The Reason We Pay For HBO

Hola. First off I'd like to offer my most sincere apologies for not writing anything last week because I was entirely too busy to do so, though perhaps apologies aren't in order because my lack of prose gave you one less crappy website to peruse. So actually, you're welcome! But anyway, on to my weekly fix of needless crap that I force on your life.

I believe in the past I have established that Zane Lamprey, host of Three Sheets, has the greatest job in the world. Basically, he gets to travel the world, get shitfaced, and tell jokes on camera. And they pay him for this. Incredible, right? Well I now know who has the second greatest job in the world, and that would Adam Richman, host of Man vs. Food. He has more or less the same job as Zane, only replace the "get shitfaced" part with "stuff his face with delicious food." He goes to a city, visits a couple of greasy chow places like Primanti Bros. in Pittsburgh (the place with the french fries sandwiches), and then ends each episode by taking on that city's signature food challenge, which could be anything from eating 6 of the world's spiciest buffalo wings in 6 minutes to eating 7 different steaks in a half hour. I challenge you to find a show that makes you more hungry. Check it out on the Travel Channel.

Another show I recently discovered that was incredible is Ghost Adventures, also on the Travel Channel. Basically these 3 guys go to places that are haunted and try to record ghosts on camera. Yawn - it's been done. But not the way Ghost Adventures does it! The 3 guys in this show aren't nerdy tech geeks, they are 3 of the biggest frat boy douche bags you will ever meet, straight out of Jersey Shore. And they are led by the biggest roid-raged douche of them all, Zak. So the 3 of them load up on Red Bulls and Muscle Milk and stay up all night in a haunted building, threatening the ghosts with their tight shirts, huge muscles and gelled hair. Then one of them feels a chill on the back of their neck, and the following discourse takes place:

"Dude, did you feel that?!?!"
"No dude! What did you feel?!?!"
"Bro! Tell me what you felt?!?!"
"Dude, I felt a chill! It kinda hurt too, bro!"
"Bro! That's insane!"
"HEY GHOST! DO THAT AGAIN! I LOVE THE PAIN, BRO!!!!"
"Bro, that was sick dude!"
"I know bro! Dude, something is definitely in here bro!"

And that continues for about another 5 minutes, but you get the idea. Then they go into how ghosts hate renovation, so if you fix an old building the ghosts will possess you and make you kill your fellow juiceheads. I'm not making this up. It's hilarious. You NEED to check it out, at least once.



This past Saturday in The JC was pretty terrible weather-wise, with a monsoon threatening to tear down every high-rise in site. So instead of stepping foot outside and doing something useful with our lives, we decided to stay in and try to exact revenge on the Canadians, NHL 10 style. Naturally, we were the Americans, and first we embarked on a best-of-5 series. Unfortunately we dug ourselves too great a hole to clime out of, going down 2 games to none before finally losing the series in Game 5. After a short break, we started a fresh 7 game series, much to the chagrin of our girlfriends, who were biding their time with Cosmo and other informative publications while we ignored them. Ultimately, our efforts proved fruitless as the Canadians beat us again in 6 games. No revenge for the USA. We embarrassed our country. But you can be sure we will give it another go.

Another byproduct of the rainy holiday on Saturday was a viewing of one of the greatest cinematic achievements of our time, or any time: The Princess Bride. It was made in 1987, but it still holds up to this day - just a perfect comedy. If you haven't seen it, you're not only doing a disservice to yourself, but you're doing a disservice to your family and your country. It's inconceivable!... if you haven't seen it yet. Ha! If you've seen the movie you know what I just did there!

Sunday I was blessed with last-second New York Rangers tickets, though with the way this year has gone that would be seen more as a curse rather than a blessing. Either way, I attended, and they gifted me with a much-needed win against the Filthadelphia Flyers, 3-1. I expected the game to be much more intense seeing as this was the first time the two teams played since Flyers' goon Daniel Carcillo fought Marian Gaborik the last time, which is something you just don't do in hockey (go after the other teams best skill player with a fighter). So my thinking was revenge was on the docket for yesterday afternoon, and it eventually was after we had gone up 3-1 when Brandon Dubinsky beat the living crap out of the Flyers' best player, Mike Richards. It was sweet to see, and Dubie can now add an addition to the home he already has in my heart. Sean Avery also played a fantastic game after last game's benching, scoring 2 goals and making Philly take 3 bad penalties because he had gotten into their heads. When he's on top of his game, the Rangers are a different team. Keep it up, Sean.

Sometimes I wonder why my roommates and I pay what we pay for HBO, especially in between seasons of shows that we watch, like Entourage, when there isn't too much on. Yes, it's nice to have the channel to go to if you just want to watch a random movie or the occasional sports documentary, but for the most part I stay away from it. That is until a miniseries like The Pacific comes along and reminds us why we subscribe to the channel in the first place. For those of you who don't know, The Pacific is like Band of Brothers (a 10-part miniseries), only this one is about the Pacific theater of WWII instead of in Europe, obviously. First off, Joe Mazzello, better know as Tim the Human Piece of Toast from Jurassic Park (the greatest movie of all time), is in it, so it already is awesome. Second, it looks incredible, is very well-acted, and tells a compelling story. Part 1 was last night, with the 9 remaining parts to come on consecutive Sundays. It is like an amazing WWII film, only one that's 10 hours long. You absolutely need to get The Pacific into your life, if it isn't already.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Orville and Wilbur Wright only achieved flight because Jack Bauer didn't shoot them down

First, I think it's appropriate that we celebrate this blog's 100th post with an article about 24, the greatest show about the greatest man this earth has ever created. Second, I apologize for it coming on Wednesday, as I was not able to watch this week's episode until last night. This week, we'll go back to our old character number key and see how our friends in terrorist fighting are faring:



1) Arlo Glass - Really wasn't in last night's episode, except for a few moments where he helped Chloe. Negligible impact.

2) Dana Walsh - Still alive, which is terrible.

3) Brian Hastings - Finally grew some testicles and stood up to Rob Weiss, telling him he was dropping the charges against Renee and telling Rob to leave him alone. Maybe the ghost of Bill Buchanan has infiltrated him a bit, and now he's beginning to realize what it takes to get the job done. Once again, RIP Bill. We all miss you.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Disarmed the bomb on the suicide bomber OVER THE INTERNET. Name someone else who can do that!??!? Answer: NO ONE. Chloe is a gem. One of a kind. A real woman. Morris is one lucky dude.

5) Cole Ortiz - Should have killed Dana and put her in the river along with her scumbag friends. She's not worth it Cole. Finish her and move on!

6) Renee Walker - Should feel like one lucky broad, seeing as after all of her emotional nonsense she gets Jack after this. Those big bright eyes of hers will be getting even bigger when he's inside of her, believe you me!

7) Jack Bauer - The man is a living, breathing monument to how awesome man can be. Using Farhad's dead body as a decoy to draw out the terrorists? Genius! I swear this man could cure cancer, he just hasn't had time yet.



8) Omar Hassan - Still paranoid. Still has a killer accent. Still needs a haircut.

9) President Taylor - Like CTU Chief Hastings, she seems to be growing a pair of nuts as well. Loved the move where she threatened to attack Hassan's country if he didn't give her the files she needed and the atomic bomb went off in NYC. That's the kind of no-nonsense rule we need to save lives.

10) Rob Weiss - Getting a little pushy. Can't shake the feeling that he has some sort of ulterior motive that will be revealed a couple weeks from now. Looks phenomenal in a suit, however.

Other thoughts on tonight's episode not involving our main characters:

- Farhad Hassan, aside from being a traitor to his brother, is also a complete dumbass. Now he's dead. That's what you get sucka. He only needed to stay where he was for 3 more seconds, but noooooo, he had to get up in a panic, which resulted in him getting shot and being useless to Jack. Piss poor.

- I enjoyed that Fox 5's Ernie Anastos was the one breaking the news that Farhad Hassan was "still alive" to the American public at 1:30 in the morning. There's no way Ernie is pulling an all-night shift like that in real life. If anything, he's off being all Ron Burgundy at that hour.

- I really thought that CTU Agent Owen was gonna get everyone killed because he was so nervous, but alas, he didn't! Though he was sweating more than an obese man after 2 pushups, he managed to get the terrorist to show the bomb to Chloe on the security camera so she could disarm it. Well done sir. And he didn't die - a bonus for sure.

- Can't say I enjoyed the fact that they picked the terrorist with the most creepy child-rapist eyes to play the suicide bomber. Whenever he tried to look menacing I wanted to hide in a corner with my blankie, sucking my thumb and hoping the evil terrorist didn't touch me in my special place.

MMBF - 3/1: Sidney Crosby = Scumbag

Greetings everyone. Welcome to the next edition of the most useless drivel on the internet! Please excuse me if my writing regresses into a very dark and depressed place, but if you watched the gold medal Olympic hockey game yesterday, you know why it's happening. Now on to a very Olympics-heavy addition of my gaseous brain excretion.

I don't think I am, but am I the only one who thinks it's really weird that Olympic ice dancing features quite a few brother and sister combinations? It's really gross and very awkward to watch. Ice dancing is inherently a very romantic sport. Music plays and you skate-dance your way around the ice, grabbing your partner in ways you would never/should never grab your own sibling. I've heard from some that it makes a difference if the man is gay. I disagree. There are just some things you should never do with your own sister, and one of them is gliding around the ice with her with Linkin Park blaring over the loudspeakers while your face is buried in her snatch. It's wrong I tell you!

I know it's hard to believe, but the Sweden-Canada women's gold medal curling match was enthralling television. I think part of it was that the only curling I had watched during the Olympics was the American men, and they were an embarrassment. Actually, embarrassment may be an understatement. They were God-awful. Putrid. Atrocious. I don't watch much curling, but it's easy to see how terrible they were - which made it so easy to appreciate how incredible the Swedish and Canadian women are. Some of the shots they made were just amazing. Canada's skip (captain) is Cheryl Bernard, a red-headed cougar who looks like she knows her way around the bedroom, and she had 2 shots to win the gold, except she thought she was the New York Mets for a second and choked big time, handing Sweden the victory. Thrilling theater.

Someone told me over the weekend that Missy Elliot once had 7 gallons of man milkshake drained from her stomach. Miriam Webster would define her as a "chicken head," i believe.

Back to curling for a second: During the Canada-Norway men's gold medal match, which Canada won, the announcers interviewed John Shuster, the skip for the USA men's team. It goes without saying that he sucks. Anyway, they asked him where it all went wrong for them because they had such a bad tournament after winning bronze in Turin (I don't believe that, by the way). Shuster went on to say how they made some good shots, executed well, and gave themselves chances to win, they just didn't take advantage of their opportunities. WHAT?!?! WHAT OPPORTUNITIES?!?!? JOHN, YOU SUCK. YOUR TEAMMATES SUCK. YOU NEVER HAD A SHOT. AND EVERY TIME YOU SCREWED THE POOCH YOU SAID "sorry guys," WHICH MEANS YOU SAID THAT 6,547,820 TIMES IN THIS TOURNAMENT. SHOW SOME HEART. GET MAD. ;OIONASDSGVOINWEROIVN;LJKVSANKLJDSJKL!!!! I was appalled at his comments. They were an embarrassment to this country!

Armageddon is an absolutely absurd movie. I hadn't seen it in forever, but when flipping through channels over the weekend I stumbled upon it and decided to watch. Classic Michael Bay. It's like when he makes a movie, he just yells at his crew, "Ok guys! No dead air allowed! It doesn't matter if the story bounces around and makes no sense! Just blow something up! Loud music! EXPLOSIONS! COLORS! New song! Bad acting! Move the camera around faster! EXPLOSIONS!!!!" His movies are like acid trips.

I have never wanted something to fail more than I want The Marriage Ref and Parenthood to fail. NBC felt that it needed to beat us over the head with ads for these two shows every 3 seconds during the Olympics, and since I clearly wasn't turning the Olympics off, I subjected myself to the pain and torture of NBC grasping at straws to get somebody - ANYBODY! - to watch their channel. But because I was beaten senselessly with these ads, I want both of those shows to tank so badly that not only does NBC go down the drain, the building that houses its headquarters blows up. Parenthood does not look funny. At all. Failure. The Marriage Ref looks even worse. Of course that meant I had to watch some of it after the closing ceremonies to see just how bad it really was. It was beyond atrocious. It's like Alec Baldwin sits around telling mildly funny jokes, while the rest of the cast forces out insanely loud laughter to make the crowd think the show is actually good. I lasted 4 minutes with it. Please stay away.

Of course we were all hoping yesterday that the USA-Canada gold medal hockey game would begin like the USA-Finland semifinal did, with the US blitzing the Canadians for 6 goals in 1 period, killing the game off before those damn Canadians even had a sniff of hope. But instead, we were treated to one of the great hockey games we will ever see in our lifetimes, that ended in the worst possible way for USA hockey fans. The game had every ingredient an all-time classic requires: players pouring their hearts out for their country, a crowd that was raucous and at the same time TERRIFIED of the home team (Canada) losing, and a breakneck pace that threatened to take your breath away at any moment, all while perhaps creating something that you had never seen before. When Zach Parise scored the tying goal with 24 seconds left in regulation, I, along with urinating myself a little, thought we had the game. The Canadians went into the locker room shellshocked while the Americans had all the momentum, not to mention the hottest goalie in the tournament. Then the worst possible thing that possibly could have happened, happened. That scumbag whiny bitch Sidney Crosby sped into the offensive zone, losing the puck into the corner. Jarome Iginla tracked it down and sent Crosby in on goal with a brilliant pass, and Crosby in turn deposited it into the net for a 3-2 Canada win. Game over. Silver medal for the Americans. Heartbreaking. When Crosby originally entered the zone, Louey Colicchio said, "Oh my god. Anyone but Crosby. Please." Crap. Of all the freakin' people, it had to be him. I hate him. He whines. He cries. He complains. He is a bitch. I would feel really dirty right now if I was a Pittsburgh Penguins fan.

Ugh. Another week of work. At least it's Tuesday already! (Sorry I suck and am slow.)