The Only Bracket Analysis You Need

It's the day before the NCAA Tournament officially begins. You've been busy at work and haven't had time to look at a bracket, let alone fill one out. It's also St. Patrick's Day, so you're drunk and your arms are covered in vomit, so you really can't look at a bracket anyway. But you HAVE to have it filled out by noon tomorrow. This is where I come in, and why you're here. I'll give you everything you need to know about each region. Not the winner of some inconsequential 7-10 matchup, just my sleeper, my big upset, and my winners. Boom. Cut and dry. So wipe away the puke and observe:

MIDWEST

Sleeper: No sleepers here! The good teams are just too good in this bracket. It is positively loaded.

Upset Special: San Diego St. over Tennessee (First Round)
Tennessee thinks it can distract teams with it's obnoxious all-orange jerseys, but not the Aztecs! It's science - Indians can't see the color orange.

Region Winner: Ohio St. over Kansas
OSU has the best player in the country - Evan Turner. 'Nuff said. Kansas may have all the experience and depth, but they don't have Turner.

WEST

Sleeper: Murray St. and BYU
I'll give you 2 since there weren't any in the Midwest. Murray St. just sounds like a school that no one knows where the hell it is that will make a run to the Sweet 16. And BYU... well, you never doubt Mormons, right? Plus the whitewash they can throw on the court will blind Kansas St. into a 2 for 30 3-point shooting performance.

Upset Special: Murray St. over Vanderbilt (First Round)
Vanderbilt kids will be too busy studying for their upcoming finals to look at tape of a school they've never heard of because, let's be honest, settling for anything less than a Vanderbilt education would be... uncivilized.

Region Winner: Pittsburgh over Syracuse
Big East represent. I always love Pitt's toughness. Syracuse's zone won't be able to contain crazed Pitt players being fueled by french frie sandwiches.

EAST

Sleeper: Marquette
They're a 6 seed, so they count! Marquette is another beast from the Big East who I love. You can't doubt teams who come from unquestionably the best conference in the nation.

Upset Special: Marquette over New Mexico (2nd Round)
It's the biggest seed-difference victory I have in my bracket here in front of me, so I guess I have to pick this one, even though I don't consider it too much of an upset. New Mexico would probably be 3-13 in the Big East.

Region Winner: West Virginia over Kentucky
I absolutely love the way WVU plays basketball. They have a ton of skill, a ton of depth, and they're battle-tested by playing in, you guessed it, the Big East. John Wall's got alligator arms in pressure situations, so expect a choke job followed by the patented Donovan McNabb in-game vomit.

SOUTH

Sleeper: Siena
13 seed Siena plays a number 4 Purdue team in the first round that has seemingly forgotten what a basketball looks like in recent days, plus they're the Saints. Are we seeing a pattern developing here?

Upset Special: Louisville over Duke (2nd Round)
Duke sucks and is overrated, and Louisville is from the Big East. Onions!

Region Winner: Notre Dame over Louisville
ND was one of, if not the, hottest team in the country coming down the stretch, and I expect that hot streak to continue. Plus their Talented and Awkward White Guy Ratio, or TAWGR as it's known in educational circles, is off the charts since they have Luke Harangody and Tyler Hansbrough's little bother. There's no denying them.

FINAL FOUR

Ohio St. over Pittsburgh
Like I said, OSU has Evan Turner. I have nothing more to say about this.

West Virginia over Notre Dame
While ND has been incredibly hot, WVU has been slightly hotter, as you can see by their Big East tournament victory. Backwoods hicks beat educated Catholics here.

CHAMPIONSHIP

West Virginia over Ohio St.
Like I said, OSU has Evan Turner. BUT HE DOESN'T PLAY IN THE BIG EAST. Best player in the country = nullified by battle-hardened skill. Go Mountaineers!

So there you have it, all of the teams you know you shouldn't pick this year, now that I've jinxed them all. I do it every year, so trust me when I say this: DON'T USE MY PICKS. PICK THE OPPOSITE. You're much better off copying the bracket of the chick sitting in the cubicle next to you who picks the teams based on which mascot would perform better in a threesome.