MMBF - 3/1: Sidney Crosby = Scumbag

Greetings everyone. Welcome to the next edition of the most useless drivel on the internet! Please excuse me if my writing regresses into a very dark and depressed place, but if you watched the gold medal Olympic hockey game yesterday, you know why it's happening. Now on to a very Olympics-heavy addition of my gaseous brain excretion.

I don't think I am, but am I the only one who thinks it's really weird that Olympic ice dancing features quite a few brother and sister combinations? It's really gross and very awkward to watch. Ice dancing is inherently a very romantic sport. Music plays and you skate-dance your way around the ice, grabbing your partner in ways you would never/should never grab your own sibling. I've heard from some that it makes a difference if the man is gay. I disagree. There are just some things you should never do with your own sister, and one of them is gliding around the ice with her with Linkin Park blaring over the loudspeakers while your face is buried in her snatch. It's wrong I tell you!

I know it's hard to believe, but the Sweden-Canada women's gold medal curling match was enthralling television. I think part of it was that the only curling I had watched during the Olympics was the American men, and they were an embarrassment. Actually, embarrassment may be an understatement. They were God-awful. Putrid. Atrocious. I don't watch much curling, but it's easy to see how terrible they were - which made it so easy to appreciate how incredible the Swedish and Canadian women are. Some of the shots they made were just amazing. Canada's skip (captain) is Cheryl Bernard, a red-headed cougar who looks like she knows her way around the bedroom, and she had 2 shots to win the gold, except she thought she was the New York Mets for a second and choked big time, handing Sweden the victory. Thrilling theater.

Someone told me over the weekend that Missy Elliot once had 7 gallons of man milkshake drained from her stomach. Miriam Webster would define her as a "chicken head," i believe.

Back to curling for a second: During the Canada-Norway men's gold medal match, which Canada won, the announcers interviewed John Shuster, the skip for the USA men's team. It goes without saying that he sucks. Anyway, they asked him where it all went wrong for them because they had such a bad tournament after winning bronze in Turin (I don't believe that, by the way). Shuster went on to say how they made some good shots, executed well, and gave themselves chances to win, they just didn't take advantage of their opportunities. WHAT?!?! WHAT OPPORTUNITIES?!?!? JOHN, YOU SUCK. YOUR TEAMMATES SUCK. YOU NEVER HAD A SHOT. AND EVERY TIME YOU SCREWED THE POOCH YOU SAID "sorry guys," WHICH MEANS YOU SAID THAT 6,547,820 TIMES IN THIS TOURNAMENT. SHOW SOME HEART. GET MAD. ;OIONASDSGVOINWEROIVN;LJKVSANKLJDSJKL!!!! I was appalled at his comments. They were an embarrassment to this country!

Armageddon is an absolutely absurd movie. I hadn't seen it in forever, but when flipping through channels over the weekend I stumbled upon it and decided to watch. Classic Michael Bay. It's like when he makes a movie, he just yells at his crew, "Ok guys! No dead air allowed! It doesn't matter if the story bounces around and makes no sense! Just blow something up! Loud music! EXPLOSIONS! COLORS! New song! Bad acting! Move the camera around faster! EXPLOSIONS!!!!" His movies are like acid trips.

I have never wanted something to fail more than I want The Marriage Ref and Parenthood to fail. NBC felt that it needed to beat us over the head with ads for these two shows every 3 seconds during the Olympics, and since I clearly wasn't turning the Olympics off, I subjected myself to the pain and torture of NBC grasping at straws to get somebody - ANYBODY! - to watch their channel. But because I was beaten senselessly with these ads, I want both of those shows to tank so badly that not only does NBC go down the drain, the building that houses its headquarters blows up. Parenthood does not look funny. At all. Failure. The Marriage Ref looks even worse. Of course that meant I had to watch some of it after the closing ceremonies to see just how bad it really was. It was beyond atrocious. It's like Alec Baldwin sits around telling mildly funny jokes, while the rest of the cast forces out insanely loud laughter to make the crowd think the show is actually good. I lasted 4 minutes with it. Please stay away.

Of course we were all hoping yesterday that the USA-Canada gold medal hockey game would begin like the USA-Finland semifinal did, with the US blitzing the Canadians for 6 goals in 1 period, killing the game off before those damn Canadians even had a sniff of hope. But instead, we were treated to one of the great hockey games we will ever see in our lifetimes, that ended in the worst possible way for USA hockey fans. The game had every ingredient an all-time classic requires: players pouring their hearts out for their country, a crowd that was raucous and at the same time TERRIFIED of the home team (Canada) losing, and a breakneck pace that threatened to take your breath away at any moment, all while perhaps creating something that you had never seen before. When Zach Parise scored the tying goal with 24 seconds left in regulation, I, along with urinating myself a little, thought we had the game. The Canadians went into the locker room shellshocked while the Americans had all the momentum, not to mention the hottest goalie in the tournament. Then the worst possible thing that possibly could have happened, happened. That scumbag whiny bitch Sidney Crosby sped into the offensive zone, losing the puck into the corner. Jarome Iginla tracked it down and sent Crosby in on goal with a brilliant pass, and Crosby in turn deposited it into the net for a 3-2 Canada win. Game over. Silver medal for the Americans. Heartbreaking. When Crosby originally entered the zone, Louey Colicchio said, "Oh my god. Anyone but Crosby. Please." Crap. Of all the freakin' people, it had to be him. I hate him. He whines. He cries. He complains. He is a bitch. I would feel really dirty right now if I was a Pittsburgh Penguins fan.

Ugh. Another week of work. At least it's Tuesday already! (Sorry I suck and am slow.)