2009 NFL Preview: AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 13-3

Team Overview:
The defending Super Bowl champs are looking poised for a repeat this year, as long as Ben Roethlisberger remembers to wear his motorcycle helmet, of course. Every key player from the best defense in the NFL is back, most importantly reigning Defensive Player of the Year James Harrison. Harrison as you know declined to go to the White House to visit the President after they won the Super Bowl because, in his words, "The President would have invited the Cardinals if they had won," therefore disrespecting him. Really James? I hope you didn't hurt yourself coming up with that insight. Anyway, the offense took a big hit in the offseason with the loss of Nate Washington (number 85 in your playbooks, number 1 in your hearts), so they'll be hoping that fan-favorite Limas Sweed can step up and take his place. And of course by fan-favorite, I mean the only player on the Steelers Pittsburgh fans actually don't like. The same shitty offensive line is returning this year as well, so that could be a problem. They should overcome that though and win the division.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Troy Polamalu - He is a 99 overall, with 93 speed and 95 acceleration, which is phenomenal for a safety. The only problem is he's already 28 years old, which is a little old for Madden so you won't be able to make him too much better. That's ok though because he'll still be a 99 in 2 or 3 years, so you can trade him for a first round pick and some other considerations. He also has those beautiful, flowing locks that are essential to any team's chemistry. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Willie Colon - We all know that poop jokes are always funny, so this was an easy choice. One of the organs in the body that help create poop is of course the colon, which happens to be Willie's last name, obviously. Plus, Scotty needs an offensive line for his fantasy team, so Willie is an easy pick. POOP! POO-POO! POOPY!!



Baltimore Ravens
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
The Ravens were a disputed Santonio Holmes touchdown away from winning the division last year, so they'll be looking to un-seat the Steelers in 2009. Don't count on it! Pittsburgh is just a bit better than they are, though it is hard to find a flaw with this team. Joe Flacco, who is blessed with one of the great unibrows you will ever see in life, is in his second year as the starting quarterback, and should be better than last year. The ground game will be lead by the Pride of Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, Mr. Ray Rice. He's a short guy, but he packs quite the punch along with being able to hit the whole with blazing speed. But the fact that he went to college in New Jersey should tell you enough about how awesome he is. Derrick Mason ended his 14 minute retirement to give them a legit receiver, and the offensive line is solid. Their vaunted defense is of course lead by God's linebacker, the Good Reverend Ray Lewis, who may or may not have killed a man a few years back. But he loves God, so it's all good. Defensive coordinator Rex Ryan left to become the head coach with the New York Jets, which could turn out to be a big loss, but I anticipate them overcoming it.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Ed Reed - Like Troy Polamalu, Ed Reed is a 99 overall at safety, with 93 speed and 94 acceleration, which is great. But he's already 30 years old, so use him for one year, then trade him for a first round pick and other speedy players to build your team around. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Haruki Nakamura - Scotty always stocks his fantasy baseball teams with Japanese players because of their fun-to-say names, so the allure of a player of Japanese origin is just too great for him to pass up here. You won't find too many Asian players playing professional football either, so this pick also makes for a nice novelty item!



Cincinnati Bengals
Record Last Year: 4-11
Record This Year: 7-9

Team Overview:
Ever since the days of Boomer Esiason at quarterback ended, the Bengals have been an embarrassment of a franchise. They are run by a completely inept owner, Mike Brown, who also serves as their equally inept general manager. It's a method of team management that has proven over the years to be completely unsuccessful, but he continues on, unwilling to bite the bullet and hire someone as general manager who actually knows one or two things about football. But I digress. This team will only go as far as Carson Palmer goes, and even that may not be terribly far as he has been consistently injured over the last few years. Their first round pick, left tackle Andre Smith, is holding out of camp, probably because he thinks he needs more money so he can cover the cost of bras for those monstrous man boobs of his. They do still have the always fun-to-watch Chad Ochocinco at wide receiver, but that's really it in the way of talented players. The defense also isn't that good, so there isn't much hope for this team. So why did I pick them to improve over last year and win 7 games? Because they're featured on HBO's Hard Knocks of course and they are ridiculously entertaining to watch. Child please!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
No one - They don't have a single person of this team you would want for your Madden franchise. Not a single player is above an 89 overall, so you wouldn't be able to trade anyone for anything worthwhile. I suppose you could grab cornerback Johnathan Joseph because of his 95 speed, but as far as I'm concerned, that's too slow. He's a 5th cornerback at best on my team. Don't trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Frostee Rucker - I was going to go with Fui Vakapuna, because, let's be honest, who wouldn't want Fui Vakapuna on their fantasy team? But then I noticed that the Bengals have a player who is named after a delicious treat from Wendy's! Just looking at Frostee's name evokes the images of spooning chocolate heaven into your mouth while you throw down a classic double. A taste of heaven.



Cleveland Browns
Record Last Year: 4-12
Record This Year: 2-14

Team Overview:
The fans of Cleveland didn't think it could get much worse than last year, but guess what Cleveland?! It does get worse! And the number 1 reason this is the case is because they hired the "Mangenious" as their head coach. Stupid! I watched for three years as Mangini made bad decision after bad decision as coach of the Jets, driving my roommate Rory and our buddy Jeremiah to the brink of suicide. He is an awful coach. Enjoy the Mangini Era Cleveland! As for the players, their quarterback will either be a guy who has drank more Myoplex shakes than the amount of actual steps he has taken on a professional football field, or a guy who looks like Goofy. Their best wide receiver has a bad case of the dropsies, and their second best wide receiver drove drunk and killed a man this offseason. I'm looking over their roster right now, and it is not pretty. There are a handful of talented players, including the best kicker in the history of the game (who I'll discuss below), but there's only so far a great kicker can get you. This is ugly. I would hate myself and my life if I was a Cleveland Browns fan. I only wish they would have brought in Michael Vick, because the idea of Vick playing in front of the Dawg Pound is high comedy indeed.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Joe Thomas - The Browns first round pick from 2 years ago at left tackle is already a 97 overall at the age of 24. He is the perfect left tackle to build your offensive line around, and it'll be about 5 weeks into your first season before he'll be a 99 overall. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Phil Dawson - Every fantasy team needs a kicker, and this is the kicker you want. As I learned in old Madden franchises, Phil Dawson is the greatest kicker in history. Not just in the history of football though, but in the history of every sport that involves kicking a ball. He would be playing for Manchester United right now if he had taken up soccer, but instead, they've already made a bust for him at the Football Hall of Fame, because it is a guarantee he makes it. Just draft him and watch the points pile up.