2009 NFL Preview: AFC East

New England Patriots
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
As much as it kills me to predict any success whatsoever to any team from the Nation, it's hard to find a reason why the Patriots won't win the AFC East this year. Last year began ominously when Bernard Pollard of the Chiefs did us all a favor and took out Tom Bundchen's knees, which resulted in him being out for the whole year. In stepped Matt Cassel, who hadn't started a football game since pee wee or something, and he promptly lead them to an 11-5 record. But... they missed the playoffs! HAHAHAHAHA! And all that after they lost the greatest Super Bowl ever! MWHAHAHAHA!!! Hold on, thinking of Super Bowl XLII gets me all moist... ok, I'm good now. Anyway, Bundchen is back this year to throw for 8,000 yards to Randy Moss and Wes Welker, and the defense has its most important players back and will be very good. And of course, they have everyone's favorite curmudgeon at head coach, Bill Belichick. He may look and dress like a homeless man, and the coaches who have learned under him all seem to become shitty head coaches, but even I'll admit he's a helluva coach. Things should be back to normal in the Nation this year, at least as far as football goes. Hopefully the Sawx miss the playoffs though!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Jerod Mayo - Randy Moss is really fast, but is too old and therefore cannot be progressed at all. If you have him, trade him for high draft picks. But Mayo is only 23 and is already an 88 overall at middle linebacker. Give him 2 seasons of playing time and he'll be a 95+ overall. Also, he's an 85 speed and 92 acceleration, which is really good for a linebacker. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
BenJarvus Green-Ellis - I gave thought to the Rabbi Julian Edelman for Scotty's pick, but I decided a guy who has 4 names in just his first and last names is too great to pass up. And not only does he have 4 names, but his name contains the whole name of another player on the Patriots, Jarvis Green. A rare find, indeed, and someone you need on your fantasy team. I wonder what his middle name is. Hopefully it's something like LarryLaBrandon.



Buffalo Bills
Record Last Year: 7-9
Record This Year: 7-9

Team Overview:
Congratulations Buffalo! You're going to finish in second place this year! Unfortunately that second place finish will mean a 4th straight year of finishing 7-9 with no playoff appearance, which also means bye-bye Dick Jauron. The big story of the off-season of course was the signing of Terrell Owens after he was exiled from Dallas for being an idiot who drops too many passes. The city of Buffalo, and Toronto for that matter, are hoping that his playmaking skills can make the offense hit another gear and actually score points consistently this year. Unfortunately Owens will be the only guy drawing any attention from the opposing team's defense in the first 3 weeks because Marshawn Lynch is suspended for being one of the ugliest dudes in the league. Wait, it was for a gun charge? Oh, well at least he didn't shoot himself in the thigh. Anyway, the defense should be solid, especially since Paul Posluszny is back from his injuries that kept him out all of last year, and they have a young, speedy secondary. Buffalo is also one of the toughest places to go play during the winter months because the weather is so atrocious, so they're always able to steal some wins based on home-field advantage alone. Too bad it won't be enough wins to save the head coach's job.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Brian Moorman - A punter you say? YOU DAMN RIGHT. Not only is he a great punter, but he has a 90 speed rating. 90 speed for a punter?! Insane! You can run fake punts all day long with him and keep your opponent guessing. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Ataefiok Etukeren - Ummmm, what? I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce this name, other than to sound like a drunk, mildly retarded 5 year old, or a Philadelphia Eagles fan, whichever you prefer. This of course makes him perfect for Scotty's fantasy team!



New York Jets
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 6-10

Team Overview:
Last year started so promisingly for the New York Football Jets. They opened their brand-new headquarters in Florham Park, NEW JERSEY, then they signed The Gunslinger, who lead them to an 8-3 start. Talk of the Jets going to the Super Bowl was running rampant on all New York sports talk radio. Jets fans were actually content to sit in their seats and watch football at GIANTS Stadium rather than go to Gate D and see boobies. Life was good. Then from there, it was all down hill. The Gunslinger got hurt and started throwing interceptions left and right, and the defense began to give up points in bunches. It was all too much for Jets fans to handle, so they went back to the boobies. But alas, there is hope. Eric Mangini was fired as head coach and was replaced by Rex Ryan, the defensive coordinator for the Baltimore Ravens. Then they drafted their quarterback of the future, Mark Sanchez (sorry Brett Ratliff). They also have one of the most dangerous weapons in the NFL in Leon Washington. Things are looking up! Sanchez will be the starter in his rookie year, so the Jets better hope their defense plays really well, which I believe it will. Maybe Vernon Gholston will even get more than 1 tackle this year! But as we all know, rookie quarterbacks struggle when thrown directly into the fire (Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco are the exception, not the rule), so this year could be rough for Sanchez and the Jets. The future here is bright, however.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Nick Mangold - Every Madden team needs a center to actually snap the ball to your quarterback, and Mangold is just the guy for the job. He's only 25 years old and is already a 94 overall, so in 2 years or less of franchise play he'll be a 99. Plus, his last name is the combination of MAN and GOLD. It's a combination that can't be beat. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Danny Woodhead - There are only so many Samoans you can have on your team, so I decided to rule out Sione Pouha and Ropati Pitoitua on this one. So I decided to go with Danny Wood.... head..... he he he, chuckle, chuckle, harumph, harumph, guffaw! Yeah I know I'm immature.



Miami Dolphins
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
Last year was one of happiness, sunflowers, puppies and frolicking in the fields for Dolphins fans. Coming off of a disheartening 1-15 season, the Dolphins fired everyone and hired Bill Parcells to run the organization, and Tony Soprano to coach the team. They then broke out the Wildcat formation on the NFL's asses and rode that, along with steady, turnover-free play from Chad Pennington and a very good defense to an 11-5 record and the AFC East title. Then in the draft, they picked quarterback Pat White out of West Virginia, solely because he is the perfect Wildcat quarterback. So you would think that things could only get better right? WRONG. I think the Wildcat is a gimmick offense that won't last in the NFL, and now that there is a ton of tape on it, defensive coordinators will have it figured out in no time, if they haven't figured it out already. Defenses in the NFL are too fast and athletic to continuously be fooled by fake hand-offs and option runs. And when the Wildcat doesn't work, they have the ridiculously weak-armed Pennington to throw the ball around. Smells like a dose of reality for Dolphins fans and a last place finish for the team.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Pat White - We all know that any successful Madden franchise begins with a fast, running quarterback, and they don't get much better in the game than Pat White. With 87 speed and 92 acceleration, you can run around with him all day and wait for someone to get open, scramble for long touchdown runs, or just run the Wildcat. Plus he doesn't rate well overall, so he won't count much against your cap. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Yeremiah Bell - The silent J is a common occurrence in the English language, especially when it comes to the names of people of Latin descent. It is rare, however, that a mom actually decides to phonetically spell out the silent J, which was apparently the case here when little Yeremiah emerged from the womb. Maybe his mom though he was going to be an idiot, so when he needed to spell his name he could just sound it out and be okay. Good strategy mama!