2009 NFL Preview: AFC South

Tennessee Titans
Record Last Year: 13-3
Record This Year: 13-3

Team Overview:
The Titans won the division last year behind the strength of an overwhelming defense, a superb running game, and steady quarterback play from Kerry Collins, a man I will always have a soft-spot in my heart for (he quarterbacked my Giants to their appearance in Super Bowl XXXV, a game whose result we need not discuss - but hey! We'll always have 41-0). Anyway, mostly all of the players from last year return, with the notable exception of defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, who - go figure! - the Redskins decided to grossly overpay. Because of this, I fully expect them to defend their title. Another reason they'll defend is because they have the next black quarterback to win a Super Bowl, and a future Hall-of-Famer... on their bench. Those are of course the words of the immortal Vince Young, who seems to think rather highly of himself for a guy whose career has been an unmitigated disaster ever since he was drafted, and who was not only thinking of quitting the game last year, but allegedly was clinically depressed. Titans fans: better hope Kerry stays healthy and away from the sauce!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Chris Johnson - 99 speed and 98 acceleration for a 23 year old are the only stats you need to know about this burner. Running backs are useless in Madden unless they are fast as hell, and Johnson is fast as, well, hell. Believe me, hell is fast. Send him out on a swing pattern and watch him burn linebackers all day long. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Nate Washington - "Steve, there is nothing funny or ridiculous about Washington's name!" is most likely what you're thinking right now. And you're right. But if you are like Scotty E., then you know that he has an absurd man-crush on the man he lovingly refers to as "Nate Wash." He owns a Nate Wash Steeler's jersey. I guarantee he's the only person in the world other than Nate Wash's mama who owns that jersey. It's sick on some levels, but admirable on others.

Indianapolis Colts
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
Yeah I know, I picked the Titans to have the same record as last year, and now I'm picking the Colts to have the same record as last year as well. But trust me, I'm right, and like I said before, you can take it to Vegas. But anyway, despite their 12-4 record last year, it seemed like the Colts had somewhat of a down year. Eli's older brother Peyton was NFL MVP, but he needed to be, because the offensive line was suspect, the running game was mediocre at best, Marvin Harrison played like he was 89 years old, and the defense was soft, as usual. This year things should be different. They'll be a better 12-4, if that makes any sense. They drafted Donald Brown out of UConn to help with the running game, Anthony Gonzalez has taken over for Marvin Harrison, and they have signed a bunch of fatties to play defensive tackle so teams don't run all over them like they have in the past. But of course, Peyton is so good, he could quarterback an Arena League (too soon?) team to a 10-6 record in the NFL, so expect the Colts to be in the playoffs.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
No one - There is literally no one on this team that you need for your Madden franchise. Peyton Manning is slow, and running quarterbacks are always better. Dwight Freeney is too old, so you can't progress him at all. Same with Bob Sanders. Cornerback Tim Jennings is fast, but he couldn't catch a soft pillow, and Reggie Wayne is slow for a receiver. So I recommend nobody.

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Michael Tauiliili - Any time you can fit that many i's into the end of a last name, you are a shoe-in for Scotty's fantasy team. I would venture a guess at this guy being from Hawaii, but he went to Duke, so who the heck knows. Ridiculous name, and it's going to take me a while to figure out how the hell to even pronounce it.

Houston Texans
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
The Texans have been a tease for a couple of years now. Every year, the "experts" pick them to take the big step forward and contend for the playoffs. And every year for the past 2, they've finished 8-8, the pinnacle of mediocrity. Well trust me when I say, that this is the still not the year where they will contend for the playoffs, but instead breakthrough that pesky 8-8 barrier to finish exactly 1 game better. Baby steps! QB Matt Schaub can never seem to stay healthy, but they better hope he does this year, because the 2 backups are Dan Orlovsky, who is most famous for accidentally running out of the back of the endzone for a safety last year with the Lions, and Rex Grossman, who just plain sucks. Luckily for them, whoever is at QB gets to throw to Andre Johnson, who is an absolute monster, and hand it to Steve Slaton, who is a stud at running back. Also, that pick of Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and Vince Young is looking better and better everyday.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Mario Williams - The 24 year old defensive end is already a 95 overall, with 84 speed and 94 acceleration, which is nasty speed for a guy at his position. It's a guarantee that he'll be a 99 overall after 1 year of your franchise. Line him up at right defensive end and watch the sacks pile up. He's a guy you can build your defensive line around and kick some serious ass with. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Rex Grossman - I would have said linebacker Toddrick Verdell, because it's not everyday you see a first name like Toddrick, but Scotty needs a QB for his team, so Rex it is. You just can't resist a guy on your team with the nickname "Sexy Rexy," who also can be called a Gross Man merely because his great grandparents were too dumb when they got to Ellis Island and refused to change their last name. Ouch.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Record Last Year: 5-11
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
Yep, Jacksonville is the third team in this division I am picking to have the same record as last year. Not too many things are going to change I guess. But either way, it's hard to see how Jacksonville is going to be better this year. QB David Garrard had a great season in 2007, so they signed him to a huge contract, and it turns out he really isn't that good. Surprise! Major props to Mr. Garrard for fooling Jacksonville into giving him so much money. You are living the American dream sir, and I applaud you. Their offensive line was crap last year and gave stud running back Maurice Jones-Drew nowhere to run, so they drafted a couple of rookies to shore that up. Of course, that means the line will be better in a couple of years when the rookies are good, not this year. The Jags' WRs last year were also one of the worst collection of WRs you will ever see on God's green earth. For their sake, newcomer Torry Holt better have some magic left in those old legs of his. If defensive ends Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves, who were drafted 2 years ago to give them a pass rush, actually learn how to russ the pasher, then the defensive could be solid, but I have my doubts. All 6 Jaguars fans are going to be very sad this year.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Eugene Monroe - The Jaguars first round pick this year at left tackle is already an 82 overall at the pre-pubescent age of 22 (What? You went through puberty before 22?). Offensive linemen progress really easily, so he'll be one of the league's elite left tackles in no time. Too bad he won't be that good that quickly in real life. Sorry Jacksonville! Madden is fake! Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Atiyyah Ellison - Apparently Scotty loves defensive players on his fantasy team, because I believe this defensive tackle would be the pick over other hopefuls like Uche Nwaneri and Mesphin Forrester. The thing that puts Mr. Ellison over the top is that double Y in Atiyyah. Talk about rare! We've found the treasure, the pot at the end of the rainbow! Hallelujah!