Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 10

Our Citizens are Ambitious and Goal-Oriented

Many people come to America because this is a land where dreams come true. It's a land of opportunity. If you want something, you go out and you make it happen. Hard work pays off. Dreams come true.

A microcosm of this American spirit is the great state of New Jersey, the greatest of all the states here is this great country. Truth be told, the "Land of Opportunity" actually began here in New Jersey, then grew to the rest of the country when everyone else found it to be so awesome. The citizens of this wonderful state are an ambitious lot. We set goals, and we achieve them. There is no mountain too high, nor bridges too far. It is all within your reach here in the most incredible piece of land in this country.

Take for instance this go-getter from our great state that I learned about in one of the most reputable and scrupulous publications in the US, the New York Post. (be sure to come back after reading the link. I have no idea how to program the link to open in a different window).

Talk about goals! Talk about ambition! This woman is going up against history, and who dares to doubt her? There can only be 1 fattest woman in the world, and Donna Simpson is going to be that woman, because if a person from New Jersey sets a lofty target such as this one, they always hit that target. You think a woman from Ohio could do this? California? Kentucky? Please. Serious dreamers only need apply. And you'll only find an ambitious hero like this in the great state of New Jersey.

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Thought for Food - Donna Simpson, Le Whif & Cat Litter
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As you can see, this has garnered so much attention that the most well-respected and integrity-filled journalist of our time, Stephen Colbert, decided to feature it on his nightly news program this past Tuesday night. (You may have noticed a loud "WHOOP" at the very beginning when he said New Jersey for the first time - yep. That was me in the crowd.) Now, he only decided to feature this woman because he knew she could attain her lofty goal because she's from New Jersey. If Donna was from Pennsylvania, Colbert wouldn't have even sniffed this story, because he knows that only the women of the fine state of New Jersey have the gumption and the intestinal fortitude - not to mention capacity - to strive for such greatness.

You will also see in the video that she has been receiving food gifts from people around the country so that she may achieve her goal more quickly. Donna, please heed the following warning from a fellow New Jerseyan: BEWARE OF GIFTS SENT TO YOU FROM PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF NEW JERSEY. They are only jealous of your zeal for greatness because they are unable to muster up the determination to achieve such greatness on their own. If I were you, I would only trust gifts from the great people of the great state of New Jersey. We are your friends. We will help you to become a legend.

Keep up the great work, Donna. New Jersey stands behind you. Well, next to you if we want to see anything in front of us... you get the idea though.

The Only Bracket Analysis You Need

It's the day before the NCAA Tournament officially begins. You've been busy at work and haven't had time to look at a bracket, let alone fill one out. It's also St. Patrick's Day, so you're drunk and your arms are covered in vomit, so you really can't look at a bracket anyway. But you HAVE to have it filled out by noon tomorrow. This is where I come in, and why you're here. I'll give you everything you need to know about each region. Not the winner of some inconsequential 7-10 matchup, just my sleeper, my big upset, and my winners. Boom. Cut and dry. So wipe away the puke and observe:

MIDWEST

Sleeper: No sleepers here! The good teams are just too good in this bracket. It is positively loaded.

Upset Special: San Diego St. over Tennessee (First Round)
Tennessee thinks it can distract teams with it's obnoxious all-orange jerseys, but not the Aztecs! It's science - Indians can't see the color orange.

Region Winner: Ohio St. over Kansas
OSU has the best player in the country - Evan Turner. 'Nuff said. Kansas may have all the experience and depth, but they don't have Turner.

WEST

Sleeper: Murray St. and BYU
I'll give you 2 since there weren't any in the Midwest. Murray St. just sounds like a school that no one knows where the hell it is that will make a run to the Sweet 16. And BYU... well, you never doubt Mormons, right? Plus the whitewash they can throw on the court will blind Kansas St. into a 2 for 30 3-point shooting performance.

Upset Special: Murray St. over Vanderbilt (First Round)
Vanderbilt kids will be too busy studying for their upcoming finals to look at tape of a school they've never heard of because, let's be honest, settling for anything less than a Vanderbilt education would be... uncivilized.

Region Winner: Pittsburgh over Syracuse
Big East represent. I always love Pitt's toughness. Syracuse's zone won't be able to contain crazed Pitt players being fueled by french frie sandwiches.

EAST

Sleeper: Marquette
They're a 6 seed, so they count! Marquette is another beast from the Big East who I love. You can't doubt teams who come from unquestionably the best conference in the nation.

Upset Special: Marquette over New Mexico (2nd Round)
It's the biggest seed-difference victory I have in my bracket here in front of me, so I guess I have to pick this one, even though I don't consider it too much of an upset. New Mexico would probably be 3-13 in the Big East.

Region Winner: West Virginia over Kentucky
I absolutely love the way WVU plays basketball. They have a ton of skill, a ton of depth, and they're battle-tested by playing in, you guessed it, the Big East. John Wall's got alligator arms in pressure situations, so expect a choke job followed by the patented Donovan McNabb in-game vomit.

SOUTH

Sleeper: Siena
13 seed Siena plays a number 4 Purdue team in the first round that has seemingly forgotten what a basketball looks like in recent days, plus they're the Saints. Are we seeing a pattern developing here?

Upset Special: Louisville over Duke (2nd Round)
Duke sucks and is overrated, and Louisville is from the Big East. Onions!

Region Winner: Notre Dame over Louisville
ND was one of, if not the, hottest team in the country coming down the stretch, and I expect that hot streak to continue. Plus their Talented and Awkward White Guy Ratio, or TAWGR as it's known in educational circles, is off the charts since they have Luke Harangody and Tyler Hansbrough's little bother. There's no denying them.

FINAL FOUR

Ohio St. over Pittsburgh
Like I said, OSU has Evan Turner. I have nothing more to say about this.

West Virginia over Notre Dame
While ND has been incredibly hot, WVU has been slightly hotter, as you can see by their Big East tournament victory. Backwoods hicks beat educated Catholics here.

CHAMPIONSHIP

West Virginia over Ohio St.
Like I said, OSU has Evan Turner. BUT HE DOESN'T PLAY IN THE BIG EAST. Best player in the country = nullified by battle-hardened skill. Go Mountaineers!

So there you have it, all of the teams you know you shouldn't pick this year, now that I've jinxed them all. I do it every year, so trust me when I say this: DON'T USE MY PICKS. PICK THE OPPOSITE. You're much better off copying the bracket of the chick sitting in the cubicle next to you who picks the teams based on which mascot would perform better in a threesome.

MMBF - 3/15: The Reason We Pay For HBO

Hola. First off I'd like to offer my most sincere apologies for not writing anything last week because I was entirely too busy to do so, though perhaps apologies aren't in order because my lack of prose gave you one less crappy website to peruse. So actually, you're welcome! But anyway, on to my weekly fix of needless crap that I force on your life.

I believe in the past I have established that Zane Lamprey, host of Three Sheets, has the greatest job in the world. Basically, he gets to travel the world, get shitfaced, and tell jokes on camera. And they pay him for this. Incredible, right? Well I now know who has the second greatest job in the world, and that would Adam Richman, host of Man vs. Food. He has more or less the same job as Zane, only replace the "get shitfaced" part with "stuff his face with delicious food." He goes to a city, visits a couple of greasy chow places like Primanti Bros. in Pittsburgh (the place with the french fries sandwiches), and then ends each episode by taking on that city's signature food challenge, which could be anything from eating 6 of the world's spiciest buffalo wings in 6 minutes to eating 7 different steaks in a half hour. I challenge you to find a show that makes you more hungry. Check it out on the Travel Channel.

Another show I recently discovered that was incredible is Ghost Adventures, also on the Travel Channel. Basically these 3 guys go to places that are haunted and try to record ghosts on camera. Yawn - it's been done. But not the way Ghost Adventures does it! The 3 guys in this show aren't nerdy tech geeks, they are 3 of the biggest frat boy douche bags you will ever meet, straight out of Jersey Shore. And they are led by the biggest roid-raged douche of them all, Zak. So the 3 of them load up on Red Bulls and Muscle Milk and stay up all night in a haunted building, threatening the ghosts with their tight shirts, huge muscles and gelled hair. Then one of them feels a chill on the back of their neck, and the following discourse takes place:

"Dude, did you feel that?!?!"
"No dude! What did you feel?!?!"
"Bro! Tell me what you felt?!?!"
"Dude, I felt a chill! It kinda hurt too, bro!"
"Bro! That's insane!"
"HEY GHOST! DO THAT AGAIN! I LOVE THE PAIN, BRO!!!!"
"Bro, that was sick dude!"
"I know bro! Dude, something is definitely in here bro!"

And that continues for about another 5 minutes, but you get the idea. Then they go into how ghosts hate renovation, so if you fix an old building the ghosts will possess you and make you kill your fellow juiceheads. I'm not making this up. It's hilarious. You NEED to check it out, at least once.



This past Saturday in The JC was pretty terrible weather-wise, with a monsoon threatening to tear down every high-rise in site. So instead of stepping foot outside and doing something useful with our lives, we decided to stay in and try to exact revenge on the Canadians, NHL 10 style. Naturally, we were the Americans, and first we embarked on a best-of-5 series. Unfortunately we dug ourselves too great a hole to clime out of, going down 2 games to none before finally losing the series in Game 5. After a short break, we started a fresh 7 game series, much to the chagrin of our girlfriends, who were biding their time with Cosmo and other informative publications while we ignored them. Ultimately, our efforts proved fruitless as the Canadians beat us again in 6 games. No revenge for the USA. We embarrassed our country. But you can be sure we will give it another go.

Another byproduct of the rainy holiday on Saturday was a viewing of one of the greatest cinematic achievements of our time, or any time: The Princess Bride. It was made in 1987, but it still holds up to this day - just a perfect comedy. If you haven't seen it, you're not only doing a disservice to yourself, but you're doing a disservice to your family and your country. It's inconceivable!... if you haven't seen it yet. Ha! If you've seen the movie you know what I just did there!

Sunday I was blessed with last-second New York Rangers tickets, though with the way this year has gone that would be seen more as a curse rather than a blessing. Either way, I attended, and they gifted me with a much-needed win against the Filthadelphia Flyers, 3-1. I expected the game to be much more intense seeing as this was the first time the two teams played since Flyers' goon Daniel Carcillo fought Marian Gaborik the last time, which is something you just don't do in hockey (go after the other teams best skill player with a fighter). So my thinking was revenge was on the docket for yesterday afternoon, and it eventually was after we had gone up 3-1 when Brandon Dubinsky beat the living crap out of the Flyers' best player, Mike Richards. It was sweet to see, and Dubie can now add an addition to the home he already has in my heart. Sean Avery also played a fantastic game after last game's benching, scoring 2 goals and making Philly take 3 bad penalties because he had gotten into their heads. When he's on top of his game, the Rangers are a different team. Keep it up, Sean.

Sometimes I wonder why my roommates and I pay what we pay for HBO, especially in between seasons of shows that we watch, like Entourage, when there isn't too much on. Yes, it's nice to have the channel to go to if you just want to watch a random movie or the occasional sports documentary, but for the most part I stay away from it. That is until a miniseries like The Pacific comes along and reminds us why we subscribe to the channel in the first place. For those of you who don't know, The Pacific is like Band of Brothers (a 10-part miniseries), only this one is about the Pacific theater of WWII instead of in Europe, obviously. First off, Joe Mazzello, better know as Tim the Human Piece of Toast from Jurassic Park (the greatest movie of all time), is in it, so it already is awesome. Second, it looks incredible, is very well-acted, and tells a compelling story. Part 1 was last night, with the 9 remaining parts to come on consecutive Sundays. It is like an amazing WWII film, only one that's 10 hours long. You absolutely need to get The Pacific into your life, if it isn't already.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Orville and Wilbur Wright only achieved flight because Jack Bauer didn't shoot them down

First, I think it's appropriate that we celebrate this blog's 100th post with an article about 24, the greatest show about the greatest man this earth has ever created. Second, I apologize for it coming on Wednesday, as I was not able to watch this week's episode until last night. This week, we'll go back to our old character number key and see how our friends in terrorist fighting are faring:



1) Arlo Glass - Really wasn't in last night's episode, except for a few moments where he helped Chloe. Negligible impact.

2) Dana Walsh - Still alive, which is terrible.

3) Brian Hastings - Finally grew some testicles and stood up to Rob Weiss, telling him he was dropping the charges against Renee and telling Rob to leave him alone. Maybe the ghost of Bill Buchanan has infiltrated him a bit, and now he's beginning to realize what it takes to get the job done. Once again, RIP Bill. We all miss you.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Disarmed the bomb on the suicide bomber OVER THE INTERNET. Name someone else who can do that!??!? Answer: NO ONE. Chloe is a gem. One of a kind. A real woman. Morris is one lucky dude.

5) Cole Ortiz - Should have killed Dana and put her in the river along with her scumbag friends. She's not worth it Cole. Finish her and move on!

6) Renee Walker - Should feel like one lucky broad, seeing as after all of her emotional nonsense she gets Jack after this. Those big bright eyes of hers will be getting even bigger when he's inside of her, believe you me!

7) Jack Bauer - The man is a living, breathing monument to how awesome man can be. Using Farhad's dead body as a decoy to draw out the terrorists? Genius! I swear this man could cure cancer, he just hasn't had time yet.



8) Omar Hassan - Still paranoid. Still has a killer accent. Still needs a haircut.

9) President Taylor - Like CTU Chief Hastings, she seems to be growing a pair of nuts as well. Loved the move where she threatened to attack Hassan's country if he didn't give her the files she needed and the atomic bomb went off in NYC. That's the kind of no-nonsense rule we need to save lives.

10) Rob Weiss - Getting a little pushy. Can't shake the feeling that he has some sort of ulterior motive that will be revealed a couple weeks from now. Looks phenomenal in a suit, however.

Other thoughts on tonight's episode not involving our main characters:

- Farhad Hassan, aside from being a traitor to his brother, is also a complete dumbass. Now he's dead. That's what you get sucka. He only needed to stay where he was for 3 more seconds, but noooooo, he had to get up in a panic, which resulted in him getting shot and being useless to Jack. Piss poor.

- I enjoyed that Fox 5's Ernie Anastos was the one breaking the news that Farhad Hassan was "still alive" to the American public at 1:30 in the morning. There's no way Ernie is pulling an all-night shift like that in real life. If anything, he's off being all Ron Burgundy at that hour.

- I really thought that CTU Agent Owen was gonna get everyone killed because he was so nervous, but alas, he didn't! Though he was sweating more than an obese man after 2 pushups, he managed to get the terrorist to show the bomb to Chloe on the security camera so she could disarm it. Well done sir. And he didn't die - a bonus for sure.

- Can't say I enjoyed the fact that they picked the terrorist with the most creepy child-rapist eyes to play the suicide bomber. Whenever he tried to look menacing I wanted to hide in a corner with my blankie, sucking my thumb and hoping the evil terrorist didn't touch me in my special place.

MMBF - 3/1: Sidney Crosby = Scumbag

Greetings everyone. Welcome to the next edition of the most useless drivel on the internet! Please excuse me if my writing regresses into a very dark and depressed place, but if you watched the gold medal Olympic hockey game yesterday, you know why it's happening. Now on to a very Olympics-heavy addition of my gaseous brain excretion.

I don't think I am, but am I the only one who thinks it's really weird that Olympic ice dancing features quite a few brother and sister combinations? It's really gross and very awkward to watch. Ice dancing is inherently a very romantic sport. Music plays and you skate-dance your way around the ice, grabbing your partner in ways you would never/should never grab your own sibling. I've heard from some that it makes a difference if the man is gay. I disagree. There are just some things you should never do with your own sister, and one of them is gliding around the ice with her with Linkin Park blaring over the loudspeakers while your face is buried in her snatch. It's wrong I tell you!

I know it's hard to believe, but the Sweden-Canada women's gold medal curling match was enthralling television. I think part of it was that the only curling I had watched during the Olympics was the American men, and they were an embarrassment. Actually, embarrassment may be an understatement. They were God-awful. Putrid. Atrocious. I don't watch much curling, but it's easy to see how terrible they were - which made it so easy to appreciate how incredible the Swedish and Canadian women are. Some of the shots they made were just amazing. Canada's skip (captain) is Cheryl Bernard, a red-headed cougar who looks like she knows her way around the bedroom, and she had 2 shots to win the gold, except she thought she was the New York Mets for a second and choked big time, handing Sweden the victory. Thrilling theater.

Someone told me over the weekend that Missy Elliot once had 7 gallons of man milkshake drained from her stomach. Miriam Webster would define her as a "chicken head," i believe.

Back to curling for a second: During the Canada-Norway men's gold medal match, which Canada won, the announcers interviewed John Shuster, the skip for the USA men's team. It goes without saying that he sucks. Anyway, they asked him where it all went wrong for them because they had such a bad tournament after winning bronze in Turin (I don't believe that, by the way). Shuster went on to say how they made some good shots, executed well, and gave themselves chances to win, they just didn't take advantage of their opportunities. WHAT?!?! WHAT OPPORTUNITIES?!?!? JOHN, YOU SUCK. YOUR TEAMMATES SUCK. YOU NEVER HAD A SHOT. AND EVERY TIME YOU SCREWED THE POOCH YOU SAID "sorry guys," WHICH MEANS YOU SAID THAT 6,547,820 TIMES IN THIS TOURNAMENT. SHOW SOME HEART. GET MAD. ;OIONASDSGVOINWEROIVN;LJKVSANKLJDSJKL!!!! I was appalled at his comments. They were an embarrassment to this country!

Armageddon is an absolutely absurd movie. I hadn't seen it in forever, but when flipping through channels over the weekend I stumbled upon it and decided to watch. Classic Michael Bay. It's like when he makes a movie, he just yells at his crew, "Ok guys! No dead air allowed! It doesn't matter if the story bounces around and makes no sense! Just blow something up! Loud music! EXPLOSIONS! COLORS! New song! Bad acting! Move the camera around faster! EXPLOSIONS!!!!" His movies are like acid trips.

I have never wanted something to fail more than I want The Marriage Ref and Parenthood to fail. NBC felt that it needed to beat us over the head with ads for these two shows every 3 seconds during the Olympics, and since I clearly wasn't turning the Olympics off, I subjected myself to the pain and torture of NBC grasping at straws to get somebody - ANYBODY! - to watch their channel. But because I was beaten senselessly with these ads, I want both of those shows to tank so badly that not only does NBC go down the drain, the building that houses its headquarters blows up. Parenthood does not look funny. At all. Failure. The Marriage Ref looks even worse. Of course that meant I had to watch some of it after the closing ceremonies to see just how bad it really was. It was beyond atrocious. It's like Alec Baldwin sits around telling mildly funny jokes, while the rest of the cast forces out insanely loud laughter to make the crowd think the show is actually good. I lasted 4 minutes with it. Please stay away.

Of course we were all hoping yesterday that the USA-Canada gold medal hockey game would begin like the USA-Finland semifinal did, with the US blitzing the Canadians for 6 goals in 1 period, killing the game off before those damn Canadians even had a sniff of hope. But instead, we were treated to one of the great hockey games we will ever see in our lifetimes, that ended in the worst possible way for USA hockey fans. The game had every ingredient an all-time classic requires: players pouring their hearts out for their country, a crowd that was raucous and at the same time TERRIFIED of the home team (Canada) losing, and a breakneck pace that threatened to take your breath away at any moment, all while perhaps creating something that you had never seen before. When Zach Parise scored the tying goal with 24 seconds left in regulation, I, along with urinating myself a little, thought we had the game. The Canadians went into the locker room shellshocked while the Americans had all the momentum, not to mention the hottest goalie in the tournament. Then the worst possible thing that possibly could have happened, happened. That scumbag whiny bitch Sidney Crosby sped into the offensive zone, losing the puck into the corner. Jarome Iginla tracked it down and sent Crosby in on goal with a brilliant pass, and Crosby in turn deposited it into the net for a 3-2 Canada win. Game over. Silver medal for the Americans. Heartbreaking. When Crosby originally entered the zone, Louey Colicchio said, "Oh my god. Anyone but Crosby. Please." Crap. Of all the freakin' people, it had to be him. I hate him. He whines. He cries. He complains. He is a bitch. I would feel really dirty right now if I was a Pittsburgh Penguins fan.

Ugh. Another week of work. At least it's Tuesday already! (Sorry I suck and am slow.)