Who's Your Daddy?!

It's Game 2 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium. Phils are up 1 game to none. Pedro Martinez, perhaps the biggest enemy of New York sports there is, is on the mound tonight. I've got beer. I've got Taco Bell. I've got a live blog for you!

7:30 – It’s the World Series. It’s Game 2. And setting the scene for us on this momentous night is… Chris Rose? Leave it to Fox to have a guy hosting the World Series pregame who normally couldn’t get a job hosting a talk show on SoapNet.

7:31 – Jay-Z and Alicia Keys performing “Empire State of Mind.” I just found out that Alicia Keys is the product of a black man and an Irish woman. I’m half Irish… how come I’m not half as good looking?
UPDATE: I just found out that I was wrong, she was in fact the product of an Irish-Italian mom and a Jamaican dad. I'm Irish-Italian too! Still not half as good looking.



7:36 – You can’t understand Ozzie Guillen normally, so naturally, Fox hires him to be an analyst during pregame. Makes sense.

7:37 – Obligatory Pedro montage. Man he is such an ass. I’m excited to hear “Who’s Your Daddy?” ring through the Stadium all night long.



7:40 – Mark Grace says that AJ Burnett is wild for only about 20 pitches a game, and needs to shorten it to 10 for the Yanks to win. I think he’s underestimating AJ. Let’s try cutting it to 35 today.

7:43 – Free Black Jack Tacos at Taco Bell on Halloween. Me and 4 other Taco Bell-loving guys ordered 1 the other night, and we all tried to pawn it off on each other, until Rory finally bit the bullet and threw it down at the end of a massive, late-night meal. Not sure that’s a good sign for the success of that product.

7:48 – John Legend on the mic for the National Anthem. Much better choice than that no-name country music douche they had last night.

7:53 – Chris introduces us to our play-by-play man for the night, Mr. Joe Buck. I can’t wait to have Joe ruin a big moment for me because his call is underwhelming and monotone.

7:54 – Jerry Hairston, Jr. is playing in Nick Swisher’s place tonight. Thank God. I’m pretty sure Swisher would pop up a lobbed watermelon on a 2-0 count at this point.

7:58 – AJ Burnett is warming up. Consider me deathly afraid of the possibilities. I’d be much more comfortable with Andy Pettitte starting tonight down 1-0. Please AJ, no 10 run innings.

8:00 – Jose of the Throwing Molina Brothers is behind the plate tonight since apparently AJ and Jorge don’t get along. Gotta love that .217 bat in the lineup in the World Series.

8:01 – AJ strikes out Shane Victorino on a nasty tailing fastball over the inside corner. If he’s on with that pitch tonight, it could be a loooong night for the Phillies.

8:04 – A painless top of the first for AJ. So far so good for my blood pressure.

8:07 – I wish Tim McCarver would shut up so I could hear the fans chant “Who’s Your Daddy” at Pedro. Ah yes… there it is!

8:11 – Johnny Damon in a Yankees uniform is facing Pedro Martinez in a Phillies uniform. Sawx fans everywhere are throwing up in their mouths right now.

8:14 – Easy first inning for Pedro, and he has the smug look on his face. Crap.

8:16 – Is there anyone better in this world to play Nelson Mandela in a movie than Morgan Freeman? I get chills just thinking about the possibilities.

8:19 – Thank you Fox Trax + for telling me that AJ Burnett’s pitches are slower when they reach the plate then they were when they left his hand. Normal physics certainly doesn’t prove that, we need a multi-thousand dollar machine and graphics to tell us.

8:27 – RBI single to left for Matt Stairs with Raul Ibanez on second. Ibanez is slow and there was still no way Damon could have thrown him out at the plate. I’ve seen better arms on infants. 1-0 Phils.

8:33 – Tim McCarver just made his first good point in 13 years. This crowd is way too quiet. I know Pedro has been through this before, but we at least have to try to get in his head, right?

8:36 – A-Rod strikes out for the 4th time already in this series. He’s starting to get that “Holy shit, I can’t handle this, but I need to make people think I can” face again.

8:38 – Fox has already shown this “Pedro is the enemy of New York” montage 6 times, and it’s only the 2nd inning. So in honor of this, I say we make Pedro believe the Yanks are his daddy again, right boys?!

8:52 – Shane Victorino is mic’d by Fox tonight. They just played a clip about how he thinks he’s standing too close to the plate as a lefty. Now he’s up. He’s still standing too close to the plate.

8:56 – Burnett is entirely too occupied with Jimmy Rollins at first base. I’m getting nervous about when he actually decides to throw a pitch.

8:59 – It’s the World Series. It’s baseball. STOP TALKING ABOUT BRETT FAVRE, JOE. I swear, I can’t get away from that old shit.

9:01 – Burnett is getting wild, went 3-0 on Chase Utley, and decided to finish his at-bat with an intentional 4th ball – to get to Ryan Howard, the guy who has the 4th highest amount of RBIs in a 4-year span in Major League history. I don’t feel very good about this.

9:05 – Howard goes down swinging! Thank Christ. Still don’t feel terribly good about Burnett at the moment.

9:11 – Pedro just walked Jose Molina. You read that correctly. You’re not actually having a stroke right now.

9:15 – Still no runs off of Pedro after 3. The upside to this is that Pedro is only a 5 or 6 inning pitcher at this stage of his career, so we will get our shot at the Phillies bullpen. Let’s just hope we can make the most of it.

9:22 – Fox just showed Chase Utley in the Phillies dugout – without his helmet on. There are few scarier sights in life. I’d say Chase it just getting ready for Halloween, but he looks this disgusting all year around. Chase, the wet-rat look went out of style years ago dude-bro.

9:23 – Molina just made an incredible throw to pick off Jayson Werth at first base after the 0-2 pitch to Ibanez. That’s what Werth gets for trying to look like Tim Riggins. THERE IS ONLY ONE TIM RIGGINS, JAYSON.

9:28 – A TEX MESSAGE TO RIGHT-CENTER! Mark Teixeira finally woke up from his nap! YOU’RE ON THE MARK, TEIXEIRA! 1-1!!



9:38 – I can’t get “Empire State of Mind” out of my head. My woman says she’s sick of it, but I think I actually like it. What does she know anyway, she’s a Philly fan.

9:45 – I still inadvertently squeeze out a turd whenever A-Rod settles under a fly ball. It shouldn’t be that difficult, nor that nerve-wracking. But he caught this one! And so Burnett is through 5, having only given up 1 run. His hammer is nasty tonight too. I’m still deathly afraid of the 50-pitch, 7-run inning, however.

9:50 – Is Ken Rosenthal the worst sideline reporter (or whatever you call it in baseball) in sports? He sounds like he has to think about every word before he actually says it, but most of all, his stories SUCK. But that’s Fox for you!

9:52 – Just as Pedro is looking like he’s about to lose it after giving up the double to Jeter in the bottom of the 5th, Damon gets him off the hook by swinging at the first pitch and popping out to Ryan Howard. These are the kind of situations the Yankees need to take more advantage of. Not good.

9:59 – I’m writing this on my girlfriend’s computer, and I just found the whoopee cushion on her dashboard. Suffice it to say I’m abusing it. Suffice it to say again that she wishes she no longer dated me.

10:01 – Is it me or is the DirecTV commercial with David Spade and Chris Farley doing the “fat guy in a little coat” a little weird and/or creepy? The guy is dead for crying out loud, and you’re still calling him “tons o’ fun?” Let’s save that nickname for the girl Steve Phillips nailed at ESPN.



10:03 – Is it weird that hearing Jack Bauer’s voice during a Bank of America commercial gets me all warm and fuzzy on the inside?

10:05 – Bottom 6, Pedro’s getting tired, and the Stadium is rocking the “Who’s Your Daddy?” chants. Time to jump on him boys.

10:06 – And Tex strikes out. I’m an asshole.

10:08 – A-Rod strikes out. Still an asshole.

10:10 – NOT AN ASSHOLE ANYMORE!! IT’S A THRILLA! BY GODZILLA! 2-1 YANKS!



10:12 – How the hell is Wanda Sykes getting yet another show? She is not funny. At all. I don’t know anyone who thinks she is funny. If you think she’s funny, you’re an idiot. STOP GIVING HER SHOWS. And while we’re at it, STOP GIVING JEFF FOXWORTHY, TYLER PERRY, AND LARRY THE CABLE GUY SHOWS, BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT FUNNY EITHER.

10:19 – A great 7th inning from AJ. Two strikeouts on ridiculously nasty curves, and a nice play by Jeter charging a grounder from Feliz. AJ’s making his money tonight.

10:23 – Really surprised Pedro has come back out for the bottom of the 7th. Got faith in your bullpen there Charlie?

10:29 – With Brett Gardner (pinch-running for Hairston) running, Melky rips a single to right! 1st and 3rd, no outs, Jorge Posada is in to pinch-hit for Molina, and that is it for Pedro! WHO’S YOUR DADDY!? WHO’S YOUR DADDY?! Gotta say, love Pedro’s smile as he walks off with the Yankee fans serenading him.

10:35 – Jorge comes through with an RBI single off of Chan Ho Park! Gardner scores! 3-1 Yanks!

10:38 – Jeter strikes out on a foul bunt attempt. Bad play. That’s it for Park as well, as in comes Scott Eyre to face the Yankee lefties, Damon and Tex.

10:43 – And the umpires bail out the Phils with a bullshit call on Damon’s “line-out” to Howard. Even though the ball short-hopped Howard, the ump called Damon out on the fly, and then Posada was tagged out on second for the double play. Unbelievable how bad the umpiring has been in these playoffs.

10:47 – Great game by Burnett tonight, but now The Sandman is in the game to try for the 2-inning save. Let’s mow ‘em down Mo, and take it out of the umpire’s hands.

10:55 – Mo’s struggling, and Fox is trying to jinx him by putting up graphics about how he never gives up home runs in the playoffs. I’m jittery, to say the least.

10:59 – Chase Utley grounds into a double-play! Great turn by Jeter on that play with Victorino barreling into him at full speed. Lyla Garrity must be so proud! And Mo gets out of the inning without throwing too many more pitches. I was starting to get worried there.

11:03 – Gotta love that Phillies bullpen! Ryan Madson drills Mark Teixeira with his first pitch of the bottom of the 8th.

11:13 – Well, apparently you do have to love the Phillies bullpen. Madson strikes out the side, and we move on to the 9th inning with Ryan Howard leading off against Mo. Time to do what you do best Mo.

11:15 – 24 trailer!!!! Fox can put forth the shittiest broadcast of a baseball game you will ever see, but that’s all they have to do to redeem themselves is play the 24 trailer. I’M SO EXCITED FOR JACK!!!

11:18 – Mo strikes out Ryan Howard! 4 Ks for Howard tonight, the ol’ Golden Sombrero! One away!

11:20 – Werth lines out to Cano! 2 down!

11:22 – Ibanez doubles to left. (Gulp)

11:24 – Mo strikes out Matt Stairs! BALLGAME OVER! YANKEES WIN! THeEeEeEeEeEe YANKEES WIN!

And with that, the series is tied at 1 with Game 3 in Philadelphia on Saturday night! IT’S UP TO YOU, NEW YORK, NEEWWW YOOOOOOORRRRRRKKKKK!



LET’S KEEP UP THE CELEBRATION AND WATCH THE 24 TRAILER AGAIN!



AWESOME NIGHT!

Last night, 10/28/09: A Night of Ecstasy and Torture

No, no. It was not S&M night at my apartment. Get your mind out of the gutter. It was instead an emotional rollercoaster of television entertainment that at times engrossed my friends and I, while at other times disgusting us. We'll begin with one of the points of ecstasy.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS IS BACK!!!



I cannot tell you how excited I was for the season premier of the best show on television, and WEEEEE DAWGY did it not disappoint! **SPOILER ALERT** We pick up where we left off at the end of last season, with Coach Eric Taylor being exiled from West Dillon High School because of some high-powered boosters, and becoming the head coach at the newly-formed East Dillon High, which, suffice it to say, is the school on the wrong side of the tracks. There is a lot of turmoil naturally built into this storyline, with Coach Taylor's wife still being the principal at West Dillon, East Dillon being stuck with all of the terrible football players, and the Dillon Panthers, after being a team we've grown to love, now being a team we're forced to hate because of our allegiances to Eric Taylor. If I didn't love my parents so much, I'd want the Taylors to be my mom and dad, that's how awesome they are.

But Friday Night Lights is more than just a football show. It's a show about small town America, the people that make that small town what it is, and watching how those people grow, evolve, and portray the best and worst that exists in all of us. Matt Saracen and Tim Riggins, two main characters who graduated from Dillon at the end of last year, remain in their hometown for different, yet equally compelling reasons. JD McCoy, the hot-shot freshman quarterback for West Dillon who was likeable and quiet last season, is now public enemy number 1 - a kid who's let success go straight to his head, I'm sure in part thanks to his awful father. People change, the characters change, and with that the show is changing, but it's just as good as ever. If you're lucky enough to have DirecTV, and therefore the ability to see FNL, I suggest you get into it right away, if you haven't already. If you don't have DirecTV, it'll be on NBC later in 2010. Either way, tune in. You won't regret it.

Now on to the torturous part of the evening:

GAME 1 OF THE WORLD SERIES

There isn't much to say about it, other than the Yankees were simply dominated by an elite pitcher, in this case Cliff Lee, who was on top of his game. It's not that the Yanks played bad, it's just that Lee was too good, which reiterates the point that good pitching always beats good hitting. Not much you can do about this one, and I think the Yanks are more than capable of bouncing back. It's only Game 1, it's a long series, anything can happen. No time to panic.

The troubling aspect of Game 1, however, was the continued deterioration of the quality performances by the Yankee bullpen. At the beginning of the playoffs, Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain, and Co. were almost an unhittable bridge to Mariano Rivera. Now though, that invincibility is quickly falling my the wayside. Hughes was once again ineffective last night, and after Damaso Marte got 2 outs in the 8th, David Robertson, who had previously been very good in these playoffs, gave up the hits that gave the Phillies the breathing room they needed. Those tack-on runs quickly changed the dynamic of the game. 2-0 can be overcome, even against an ace like Cliff Lee. But 6-0? No chance. Game over.

But then came the last bit of ecstasy hit me in the face like an anvil of glory:

THE FIRST 24 TRAILER WAS RELEASED!!!

Words cannot accurately describe how this makes me feel inside. Just watch:



I'm peeing myself in excitement. January 17 cannot come soon enough.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 10/26 Afternoon Edition

I suppose it had to happen sooner or later - a Brain Fart following another Brain Fart, i.e. a week where I didn't write shit. Not only did I not write shit, but I didn't write anything at all. With my computer teetering on the brink of life or death, it's tough to get her to have enough energy to sit with me while I type, so instead I let her rest. She's doing ok now, all things considered.

With that said, here are a few of my thoughts from an emotionally draining Sunday that will quickly turn into an apocalyptic week at my apartment:

Due to Saturday night's cancellation of Game 6 of the ALCS, the Yankees and Giants were playing at the same time on Sunday night. This posed a problem, of course. Simply jumping between the two games wouldn't work, as you're bound to miss something while watching the other. So the solution was simple: watch both at the same time while in the same place. And this is how we did it:



Two 50-inch plasma screens, each with it's own DirecTV receiver, with the main screen on the left having audio. The jump button on both screens was set to the other game, so when, say, the Yankees went to commercial on the main screen, we merely aimed in-between the two receivers and hit jump. They both read the same remote, so the games would essentially flip-flop TVs, so then the Giants had the audio. It was masterful.

As for the actual games, it was fitting that the Yankees closed out their 40th pennant at the new Yankee Stadium with Andy Pettitte (the winningest pitcher in post-season history) winning it and Mariano Rivera (the best closer the game has ever seen) closing it. Joe Girardi still managed to drive us crazy with his over-managing, but you have to give him credit for taking this team to the World Series - not an easy thing to do. Now here comes the defending World Series Champions, the Phillies. My girlfriend = Phillies fan. Strike one.

Now as far as the Giants go, last night was their second straight poor performance, though this one was not nearly as pathetic as last week's effort against New Orleans. I thought the defense actually played pretty well since Bill Sheridan finally remembered that blitzing was a good idea, but since our offense kept turning the ball over to Arizona or punting it to midfield, it was only a matter of time before they put points on the board given their incredible field position. Eli reverted back to his old ways of forcing the ball into double and triple teams, and Kevin Gilbride called a miserable game, sticking with the pass even though Eli was obviously struggling while Brandon Jacobs was running really well. RUN THE BALL KEVIN, IT'S NOT HARD. I feel we're being exposed as nothing more than a mediocre team, and I don't feel as good about them as I did a few weeks ago. Next week - the Eagles, who we always struggle against. My girlfriend = Eagles fan. Strike two.

Strike three of course will be if both the Phillies and Eagles have success this week against the Yankees and Giants, respectively. Please do me a favor and kill me now if you can see into the future and know the Yanks and Giants are going to lose so I don't have to suffer at the hands of obnoxious Philthadelphia fans. Here comes the apocalypse!

Until next time: Ugh. Another week of work. Though at least Monday is just about over!

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 10/19

To all concerned parties,

I regret to inform all of you, my 7 loyal readers, that I was apparently premature in my declaration of health for my laptop. This past weekend she had a relapse, and things are not looking good. I assure you that the finest minds in laptop medical care are working on her, including the Chief of Surgery here at my work, Rick (last name deleted).

At this point it's looking like a new laptop may be in the offing for me, but I hold out hope that my medical team can find a cure. I ask for all of your prayers to continue. She needs them now more than ever.

Now as far as my blog is concerned, of course, that means the posting may be on the light side in the coming days until either a cure is found, or I purchase a new one. It is a sad time for me, and again, I ask for your prayers.

Sincerely Yours in Good Laptop Health,

Steven

Now on to a few things I learned this weekend, that is, if I can overcome my grief for but a few moments:

1) I learned that A-Rod apparently does know how to come through in the clutch in October. Who woulda thunk it?! His three home runs in the playoffs so far have been to tie a game, with 2 of them coming against the other team's closer who was on to finish the game. Unreal. So far so good for the Yanks.

2) I learned that Oklahoma is a mediocre team without Sam Bradford at quarterback, and that Charlie Weis should think about putting his house in South Bend up for sale soon. Texas played like crap and still beat OU, and Notre Dame still could not beat USC, despite USC having a freshman quarterback and being on the road. It doesn't matter how well they played, they still lost, and Weis still can't win the big games at ND. Another failure from the Belichick coaching tree.

3) I learned that it SUCKS living in a place that has no functioning plumbing. I was back at my parent's house this weekend because my sister was home from college, but if they had told me that both of the toilets weren't working, I wouldn't have come home. I spent my whole weekend peeing outside or going to my neighbor's if the big deuce came calling. It's no way to live!

4) I learned that the Giant's defense actually isn't very good, and only looked good because we were playing the scum of the NFL the last few weeks. If you let Drew Brees hang back in the pocket for 10 years, he's going to pick you apart. And when your secondary is as beat up as the Giant's is, you have no shot. No one could make a play yesterday. It was a pathetic, embarrassing performance by the defense. But, at least we didn't lose to the Raiders or the Chiefs!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA, hot damn do the Eagles and Redskins suck. Now THAT is piss poor. At least we got our asses kicked by a good team!

That's it for now. Again, please pray for my laptop. She needs it (frown face). Until the next Brain Fart: Ugh. Another week of work.

Reasons Why This is the Awesomest Time of the Year

As you all can see from the way the weather is turning outside, fall is here! And with that, I enter my glory zone. Fall is, far and away, the greatest time of the year. There is no comparison. Winter? Too cold, and it's a bitch digging your car out of the snow and then driving in it, especially when your car is a Ford Focus and a light breeze pushes it into the next lane. Spring? Sure the weather may be nice, but spring used to be a sign that summer vacation was close and school was almost out. Now I work for a living, and there is no summer vacation for work, so spring is just a sign that I'll be working through the summer. Again. For the next 50 to 60 years of my life. Summer? Too hot. So that leaves fall, the most awesome time of the year. Here's why:

MLB Playoffs and the World Series
You know it's fall when that familiar buzz is ringing around Yankee Stadium, because the playoffs are here! The playoffs, in any sport, are some of the most intense theater you will ever experience, and baseball is no different. Take last Friday night for example: Yankees down 2, bottom 9, Twins closer Joe Nathan, one of the best closers in the game, is in to close it out. BOOM. A-Rod hits a dramatic 2-run homer to tie it. Then David Robertson pitches his way out of a no-out, bases loaded jam in the top of the 11th, only for Big Tex to homer in the bottom of the 11th to win it. Can't match the drama of the playoffs, and the playoffs are in the fall.

The NFL is in full-swing
One of my favorite pastimes is sitting in front of the TV every Sunday (or Monday) and scaring the crap out of my friends while I curse out the Giants, all while buffalo wing sauce is smeared all over my mouth and the fridge is stocked with beer. Can't beat it! And now that the NFL is in full-swing, it's every week. I am in heaven. That is, of course, unless the Giants lose to the Saints this weekend, then I will have a decidedly different feeling about life.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks
HA HA just kidding! Coffee sucks, and only chicks drink that froofy crap. And Rick (last name deleted).

The NHL is back
Hockey is one of the great sports to watch, especially live. There really is nothing like when Madison Square Garden is rocking and the Rangers are kicking ass, which so far is the case this year. John Tortorella has them playing a style that is really fun to watch, plus now they finally have a guy in Marian Gaborik who can score from anywhere on the ice, whenever he wants. It's not something we've had in a really long time. He is truly a Godsend.



The NBA is back
Again, just kidding. Nobody gives a shit about the NBA anymore. Go Knicks!

Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is, hands down, the greatest holiday of them all. There is no argument, and let me tell you why. The very spirit and essence of a holiday is to celebrate the given occasion with family and friends. It's a day to relax; a day to enjoy each other's company. This obviously takes place on other holidays, but they all have added pressures. Christmas? You have to buy everyone and their mother a gift, or else you will be shunned at the family get-togethers. Halloween? You have to put time and thought into putting together a good costume, or else all of your friends will make fun or you. And if you don't have a costume and stay in, you are lame. New Years? You can't just relax. There always has to be some massive party that results in your buddy Jim getting caught by the cops snorting coke off of a hooker's chest in an alley, and you feeling like garbage the next morning because you drank too much, blacked out, and forgot to bail Jim out of jail. Plus, if you don't have a girl to kiss at midnight, you look like a loser. MLK, Jr. Day? Have to work. President's Day? Work. Columbus Day? Work. Easter/Passover? Church/Temple. Memorial Day? Parades. Thanksgiving, on the other hand, is solely about family, food, and good times. No gifts. No stress. Just gorging your face off on food. The only other holidays that approach Thanksgiving in awesomeness is Independence Day and St. Patrick's Day, but Thanksgiving gets the leg up due to one important factor: FOOTBALL. Boom. No argument. Thanksgiving is the best.



Hooker Boots
Girls in skirts (remember ladies, the shorter the better) is a year-round thing. Don't let people tell you that the spring is awesome because thats when the chicks break out the skirts, because they wear them in every season. The key difference with the fall, however, is that they add the hooker boots to the ensemble. Slays me.

Octoberfest
The festival of awesomeness that occurs every fall in Germany is copied in many places here in America, and it is always excellent. I can't think of a better way to spend my day then to be in a Biergarten-type establishment that has 800 beers on tap, Oompa bands rockin' out, schnitzels and wursts on the grill being served by chesty broads in lederhosen, and a bunch of your closest friends hanging out, getting drunk. Not to mention all of the Octoberfest-specific beers that come out during the season are delicious. I LOVE IT.

Pumpkin-everything
Fall is the season where every purveyor of food and beverage makes their product in pumpkin flavors. Pumpkin coffee doesn't count because, as I said above, it sucks. But pumpkin donuts? Pumpkin beer? Pumpkin pie? Pumpkin cookies? Pumpkin muffins? All the other pumpkin food and drink I can't think of at the moment? I'm moist.

I just got a PS3
Yes, I could have bought this during any other season of the year, but I bought it during the fall, so dammit, it's another reason why the fall is awesome! I had played it at friend's places before, but it's still tough to get over how good the graphics are on this thing. NHL 10 is awesome, you should buy it. Madden 10 will take a bit of getting used to since I'm used to PS2 Maddens, but it sure as hell looks incredible. And NCAA Football 10 is ridiculously good. I can't get enough of it now, much to the chagrin of my neglected girlfriend.



The Weather
This is the first and foremost reason as to why the fall is the best time of the year. I love the weather. Can't get enough of it. When it's sunny, 50s or 60s, with a light chill in the air, I am in heaven. I get to put on the world's finest piece of clothing, the hoodie, head out to my balcony and sip a pumpkin beer as the sun sets behind me and casts an orange glow on the city. Also consider the incredible fall foliage that's springing up across the country. Best weather of the entire year.

And there you have it. The main reasons as to why this is the awesomest time of the year. I find it hard to believe anyone can make a compelling argument against this, but you're welcome to try. Also, if I forgot any reasons as to why fall is awesome, please let me know. Enjoy the fall!

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 10/12

Sorry ONCE AGAIN for the abbreviated Brain Fart this week. My excuse this time is that I was working this weekend and didn't have time for the full blown Brain Fart, though as my girlfriend would attest to, I definitely had time for the full blown Fart, sans Brain. But, like the last two weeks, I did learn some things this weekend that I will now share with you:

1) I learned that Chinese food establishments are more than happy to deliver to the same address more than once in the same night. On Saturday night, Rory ordered Chinese from Precious, a restaurant in Hoboken. Then later in that same night, I decided I also wanted Chinese food because his smelled so good, so I ordered. From the same place. No complaints from them though! And not only was it the same place, but we think the same delivery guy came to our apartment. He must think we secretly have a crush on him. Sorry Mr. Man, we don't. The food you bring is delicious, however. I highly recommend the Crab Rangoon.

2) I learned that working on Sundays is not fun. Well, I already knew that. But also by working on Sundays I found that having a huge, fully-stocked bar in your own basement is pimp. I aspire to have that one day.

3) I learned that the Raiders are, in fact, as bad as we all thought they were. Talk about a nice little Sunday stroll for the Giants. Eli needed only to play a quarter and a half on his bad heel to rack up 173 yards and 2 touchdowns before he gave way to David Carr for the rest of the game. The defense was dominant, the offense fantastic, and even Lawrence Tynes made all of his field goals! Hark! The real test, however, comes next Sunday in New Orleans in what will be a battle for NFC supremacy. Let's go G-Men!

4) I learned that Jonathan Papeldouche isn't all The Nation and Peter Gammons made him out to be after all. He was a heart attack a minute for SAWX fans this regular season, then when his team needed him the most to keep their playoff hopes alive, he choked and blew it for them. And now their season is over. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Remember Nation, there is only one Mariano Rivera. Speaking of which, the Yankees are moving on to the ALCS. FO SHO.

That's about everything I learned this weekend. I have some good news to share with you as well. My laptop has apparently made it through her sickness and appears to be well again! It seems your prayers have worked, but I do ask that you keep them coming so that her health may be sustained over a long period of time, or at least until I can afford a new one. So until the next Brain Fart: Ugh. Another week of work.

I'M BEGGING YOU GIANTS, CUT LAWRENCE TYNES

It's obvious from the title what this post is about, but I'm going to say it again. Cut Lawrence Tynes, Giants. Cut him. Cut him before he ruins our season. Cut him before my fellow Giants fans and I picket outside of Giants Stadium to demand that you cut him, and when you don't, we set fire to ourselves and die - a fiery death caused by missed field goals and botched extra points. It's going to happen if you don't cut him. I know you've had enough of Tynes' ineptitude, Mr. Coughlin. Convince Jerry Reese he needs to go. Now. Before it's too late.

"But Steve, didn't Tynes hit that great overtime field goal at Lambeau in subzero temperatures 2 years ago to send you to Super Bowl XLII?" Why yes my friend. And before I continue, why don't we watch that great moment:



Hold on onnnneeeeeee second....

(Steve urinates all over himself uncontrollably)

Ok, I'm good now. Yes, he did hit that kick, that glorious kick that sent us to the Super Bowl. But if he had just hit one of the two much shorter field goals in regulation, he never would have had to make this kick, not too mention giving my dad and I a heart attack. He made it, we went to the Super Bowl, and I am eternally thankful, despite the fact that he took 4-7 years off of my life. But that kick shouldn't give him a lifetime spot on our roster.

After that Super Bowl-winning season the Giants signed him to a 5 year deal, thinking that we had a good, young kicker that would bring consistency to the position for years to come. WRONG. He sucks. I thought we had it bad when scrubs like Matt Bryant and Jay Feely were kicking for us, but hot damn I would take those guys any day over Lawrence Tynes. Tynes makes me nervous when he lines up for an extra point. Let me say that again: HE MAKES ME NERVOUS WHEN HE LINES UP FOR AN EXTRA POINT. An extra point!!! He misses those! I could make those kicks blindfolded! Never before have I been worried about a kicker making an extra point. Now, I worry. It shouldn't be this way. Ever.



This season so far, he has missed a 29 yard field goal week 2 at Dallas, a 21 yard field goal week 3 at Tampa Bay, and a 38 yard field goal week 4 in Kansas City, where he used to play, so it's not like he wasn't used to the turf or anything. Soak that in for a sec. He has missed 3 field goals already this year, 2 of them from INSIDE 30 YARDS! HOW THE HELL DOES THIS GUY STILL HAVE HIS JOB?!??!?!!? CUT HIM NOW GIANTS!! NOWWWWW!!! DSIGH:LSDJKV;LSDVJ;LSDJV;LKSJDV;LKSDJG'IPEHG'PIWnl rmpaoi nablkn ;bamk"oA J'pio AN"BB

(death)

Steve speaking from the dead...
The Giants are 4-0, and so far Tynes' missed field goals haven't lost us any games. But they will. It's a near certainty that a guy who can't kick 20 yard field goals consistently is going to lose you some games down the line, especially with the tougher schedule coming up. This week I was overjoyed to find out that we had brought in Matt Bryant (oye!) and Matt Stover for workouts. Then I was deeply depressed when I learned that they left without contracts, and Tynes was still our kicker. This needs to stop. Please Jerry Reese, cut him now. Cut him before he ruins our season, which despite the injuries, could be a great one. Cut him before my fellow fans light that suicidal bonfire in the Stadium parking lot. Cut him... before it's too late.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 10/5

Another week, another abbreviated Brain Fart. Come to think of it, this entire blog has been abbreviated recently. And it may not get any better seeing as my laptop is apparently on the fritz (please say a prayer for her) and I certainly don't have time to write anything during work. As for this past weekend, I was up in Boston (or "The Nation" as many like to call it) for Harpoon Brewery Octoberfest. Always great times. Here are a few things I learned this weekend:

1) I learned that parking is absolutely atrocious in The Nation. I thought Hoboken was bad, but it doesn't hold a candle to the horrors that The Nation has in store for you and your car. If you're going there, just take a bus or train so you can avoid one of the biggest headaches imaginable.

2) I learned that Harpoon Octoberfest is AWESOME, regardless of the weather situation. The 2 previous years I had gone it had been sunny and delightful, but this year it was cloudy, miserable, and a bit rainy. Doesn't matter. Lots of beer, lots of people, lots of port-0-potties - lots of fun!

3) I learned that Dillon's, a bar on Boylston St. in Boston, is a terrible place to go and should be avoided at all costs. Their website speaks to the bar bringing back the feeling of the roaring 20s, but as far as I'm concerned, the only thing it brings the feeling of is Nation frat boy douche bags and bartenders and busboys on power trips. The drinks are overpriced, the collars are popped, and the busboys think they have the authority to kick you out of the bar for blowing a noisemaker that they themselves passed out to you. They shall receive none of my business henceforth, nor should they receive yours.

4) I learned that liquor stores in Boston should be selling Harpoon Munich Dark in 6-packs, like every other beer Harpoon makes. I had to buy a variety pack that had Raspberry Hefeweizen in it just to get some Munich. Unacceptable.

5) I learned that Eli Manning had better get a positive result to the tests being taken today on his heel, because if he's hurt, we are screwed. We are screwed to levels of screwed that I previously thought unimaginable. The way he collapsed yesterday without being touched made me instantly think "torn Achilles." Clearly it's not that as he was walking around on it right after it happened, but if it's bad, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, because David Carr is shit. If David Carr is starting for the Giants, we may not win another game this year, he's that bad. Actually, I didn't learn that, I already knew that. Please Eli, be OK!

That's about everything I learned this weekend. Hopefully my laptop recovers from her sickness so I can get back to writing something. Again, please say a prayer for her. And until the next Brain Fart: Ugh. Another week of work.