MMBF - 3/7: Time for some Philly Bashing!

Good day everyone, and welcome to my next installment of the internet's most pointless blog post, the Monday Morning Brain Fart. I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend, but clearly was lucky enough to make it out alive, so please, go ahead and rejoice to yourself, quietly if you happen to presently be in a professional environment. Otherwise, crack open a few cold ones and read on.

I get the feeling that Lady Gaga is trying to start an LGBT cult. Her new video is really fucked up (though that's not surprising), but it also has this ridiculous manifesto at the beginning that makes absolutely no sense to me, and has some crazy shit with unicorns and aliens. Plus she looks ridiculous with those horns growing out of her cheeks... but yes, I still find her music absurdly catchy and it is on my iPod. Whatever.



This movie is gonna suck.



It was officially the end of an era for Jets fans this past week. Rory cried softly to himself throughout the night. Jeremiah filled up a bathtub, got in and plugged in the toaster. Even across the country Holly thought about running into traffic on the 101 during rush hour. Yes, that's right kids... Vernon Gholston was released. The Jets are never going to win another football game ever again.

Losing Marty Biron for the rest of the year SUCKS for the Rangers, so Henrik is going to have to be even better than he has been from here on out. And speaking of the Rangers, it was nice to wipe our asses with the Flyers yesterday to get our playoff push back on track. Suck it, Philly!

I have found my absolute dream job. God help the man who gets this over me.

I am addicted to Angry Birds on my iPhone... but this may be taking it a bit too far.



So I've been going to the gym recently in an (as of yet futile) attempt to lose weight and not make women run away screaming rape every time I take my shirt off. Thought I'd give you a little peek into my workout regiment:



When to the Park Avenue Tavern on 39th and Park recently. Little classy for my taste, but they had a whole section of the bar that had taps AT THE TABLES. You just sit there and pour your own beers all night long. Genius!

For some reason I was in the mood to watch Supersize Me, so I did. And then I ate a Big Mac the next day. That movie is like one long commercial for deliciousness, which may or may not have been the intended purpose.

Charlie Sheen is the greatest of Americans. I don't care what anyone else says.



My thoughts on this past week's Top Chef (finale this week!):

- I hate that they've edited down the intro so my weekly dose of Casey is lessened even more. She's so perrrty.
- Richard is an absolute genius. MRE bags in his knife kit?! Only Richard could pull of something like that.
- I thought when the mothers/wives/husbands came running up to the chefs on Ellis Island (which is in NEW JERSEY) that Blais was gonna bang right then and there and give his wife another baby to be friends with the one already in there. He needs to get some.
- Speaking of Blais' wife, Jazmin Blais sounds like either an insanely hot porn star or a character on Mortal Kombat (thanks Best Week Ever) that finishes you with some sort of blazing inferno.
- It's a shame that Mike and Antonia didn't bang earlier in the show so that A) things would be SUPER awkward now, and B) they could have some sweet inbred children.
- Prior to elimination, I thought that if all the dishes were equal, Tiffany should go home based on past results. Well, all the dishes were equal... and I still think the same thing. Cop-out decision by the judges.
- I was about to leap into the TV and stab Padma when she played that bullshit and pretended to send Richard home... but then I would have broken Cordes' TV, so I didn't do that. You're welcome, Bryan.

The BYU honor code, which that bro on the basketball team broke by smashing out his girlfriend, is absolute insanity. No tea? How can you not allow someone to drink tea? I would imagine Provo, Utah is somewhere you can go if you're allergic to Starbucks chains.

They're making an energy drink out of the byproducts of my roommate's sexual escapades (picture of roommate below).



This is about as ironic as it gets.

This article by Bill Simmons is a must-read if you're as pissed off at the NFL owners and their insane greed as I am. It's a little long but it shows how the owners couldn't give two shits about the fans, who just happen to be the people who give them the insane amount of money they already have. Go figure.

I can't get enough of how on Jersey Shore Vinny's dick is nicknamed Moby Dick. That has to be the ultimate complement right? I also always enjoy when 2 couples are hooking up in the same room at the same time. No time for shame! WE JUST GOTTA GET IT IN BRO! But I do have this question: Why do they continuously have to censor the poop in the clogged toilet? Who doesn't love a good poop shot?

Watched Independence Day over the weekend. The President's speech is the single greatest speech made by an organic life form in the history of being.



As I said earlier, I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend for the Philly Craft Beer Fest. It was there that I discovered that Hometown Brewery makes a beer called New Jersey Ale. Clearly this is now my favorite beer ever. Speaking of the Beer Fest though... seriously? There were only 4 urinals for the whole festival? Typical Philly. Dumbasses. I thought I was a chick for a second because the guy's line was so damn long. Think that kinda shit happens in Jersey? No way.

People in Philly suck at driving. Yes, I know I could have stopped that sentence at "suck." Also, the road layouts in that city are stupid. It's like they were designed by some idiot who had to diarrhea in the worst way but was contractually obligated to finish the maps before he could go sit on the throne.

And finally, as most of you know that there are 2 main, institutional cheesesteak joints in Philly: Pat's and Geno's. And since the folks of Filthadelphia are too dumb to figure out which one is better, I figured I would do it on my own, seeing as I am the Chef of the Century and my opinions on food (and everything else for that matter) are 100% fact. So here we go:

First stop:



And here is their cheesesteak sandwich:



As you can see, I only put my ketchup on half of it so that A) I could taste at least half in it's natural form, and B) so you could see it without globs of blood all over it (I did this at Pat's too). I also always ordered Cheese Whiz and onions, which seems to constitute the traditional cheesesteak. The steak was not chopped up, but instead large, thin slices. Meat was kinda chewy. Not too much cheese whiz either, actually, which was surprising. Next!



And here is Pat's cheesesteak sandwich:



This one had way more meat on it, and the steak was chopped up, so it wasn't as chewy as the Geno's steak. They also put way more cheese whiz on it. So even though the Pat's steak was a sloppier eating experience (probably due to the increased amount of meat and whiz), it was definitely better. Not to mention cheaper.

Philly Cheesesteak Verdict: Pat's King of Steaks makes the better cheesesteak. There Philly, I just solved something that you still haven't figured out in like 80 years. And since I just ate both in a row, I seriously need to puke.
Sub-Verdict: I've had better cheesesteaks at the Jersey Shore, not to mention in many other places around New Jersey. That's right. I went there. Suck it, Philly.

MMBF - 2/28: Sorry Ranger Fans

Good afternoon on this dreary, rainy and slow-trafficy day in New Jersey. If you live and/or work in this great state (and you should consider yourself lucky if you do), you will no doubt have a long and arduous commute home today, so why not stay at work late and read my pointless banter! Sounds like a great idea to me.

Does this look like a man who can play in the NFL anytime soon (that is, if there even is an NFL)? Jesus Cristo Plax! Looks like you could use a cannoli or 2!



The new Kanye West video, which appears to be a pretty lame attempt at "art," makes me want to stick a wallet in my mouth for fear of seizure (and yes, I wrote that joke before I saw the absurb warning at the beginning of the video). But boy oh boy! Rihanna is lookin' fiiiiiiiiiiiine. She needs to stop dressing like a tranny hooker and keep up more of this fine work.



Greek soccer fans are completely insane. Or really awesome? I can't tell.



HOLY SHIT! RENALDO BALKMAN IS BACK IN NEW YORK! THE KNICKS ARE SAVED!!!!! Wait, what? Who? Someone else came in the deal? La La Vazquez? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh now I do:



May God help us all is this comes true and Jeffries returns.

OH MY GOD! JUSTIN BIEBER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!



Thousands of Canuck-loving tweens are cursing the very name of the Las Vegas CSI Unit. What a tragedy! (or blessing?) Who knew The Biebs was a gun-loving criminal? He got what he deserved.

Banana Nut Cheerios are tittiesssssssss.

My thoughts on Top Chef this past week:

- Mike totally screwed Blais by stealing his recipe, but then again, why was Blais showing him his notes to begin with? And it's not like Blais cooked it either. Mike's execution was perfect. And of course, we could all see Mike and Blais being the finalists coming from a mile away, and the fact that Mike won the Quickfire made it even more aggravating for our friend Richard.
- Fabio was back! If only for a brief moment in time, it made my life worth living again. I heart Fabio.
- I tend to think that these ridiculous time limits that the chefs are given make it so the chef who handles pressure better wins, not necessarily the best chef. Maybe that's the point? I hope it's not. Yes, all the chefs have the same time and are under the same pressure, but I'd rather the time be extended so the chefs can concentrate solely on making the best possible food, not necessarily food that's good enough given the time constraints.
- Blaise wins! Sweet Jesus, he deserved that. Finally, he gets to taste the fruit of his labor, as opposed to other chefs tasting the fruit of his labor, seeing as he always helps everyone.
- I cannot believe Tiffany is still in this competition, though it is without a doubt now that the judging is based on that day's challenge, and that day's challenge only. That being said, Dale is a far superior chef and had a chance to win. Tiffany does not.
- Anyone else turned on by Paula Dean talking about sucking heads? Yeah... me neither.



Hey Rex Ryan! Shut up. You're senseless rambling about how amazing the Jets are is just turning into white noise. You say it way too much, and you need to stop. Before you were bold and brash. Now you're just annoying. And you like feet.

I absolutely HATE that Sammi is back on Jersey Shore, because now Ronnie is going to go back to being this sad piece of shit that can't possibly entertain me. I don't care about your feelings Ronnie, just do stupid shit so I laugh. He was so close to being the old Ron Ron again, and then BOOM, Sammi walks in the house and it all goes downhill. Oye.

I think I could win an Oscar if I made a movie with British actors that was about the English Monarchy is some way, shape or form. "Ooooo listen to his sweet accent, he's so much sexier than American men. Is Queen Elizabeth in that movie? Great! Best Picture!!!!!"

Turtle Bay in NYC is one of the worst bars in the world. Just horrendous. If you like going there, please proceed to overdose on sleeping pills. Thanks!

Really nice deal for the Rangers, giving up next to nothing to get Bryan McCabe, a puck-moving defenseman who can QB the power play. Exactly what we needed. It's so weird watching Glen Sather pulling off trades where he doesn't totally fuck the franchise. But don't worry! There's still a half hour until the trade deadline! He can still screw up the Rangers entire future in a trade for Brad Richards!

This leads me to why I am sorry to Ranger fans: Last weekend I was at the Rangers - Flyers game, and I was lucky enough to be able to see the game in a suite. So the game ends, we leave the suite, and who leaves the suite a few doors down from us at the exact same time? Glen Sather. He walked right by me, basically brushed shoulders with me. I can hear you all screaming now, "Did you punch him!?!?" " Did you trip him and spit on him?!?" "Did you tell him how much he sucks at his job and how his mom is great in bed?!?!" Well friends, no, no, and no. I did nothing. I completely blew my opportunity to make Ranger fans happy, if only for one fleeting moment before I was hauled off the jail. So again fellow sufferers, I say I am sorry. I let a lot of people down.

MMBF - 2/21: I live in Kansas?

No! I don't, because Kansas sucks and it's not New Jersey. But, it did feel that way on Saturday night, which I will get to later. So, hello! Happy President's Day! You're probably off of work today, so I imagine no one will read this until they're at work tomorrow... so happy Tuesday to you all. I am also not at work, though I would be if it wasn't snowing here in the JC. Yeah. Snow. Shocker right?

I checked out an episode of The Chicago Code at some point last week. It's a new cop drama, which there are totally not enough of on TV these days. This one, like most, sucks, but Luke from Friday Night Lights is in it, and boy is he dreamy. Worth checking out once just for him.

The SI Swimsuit Issue came out this week, which means that millions of little boys around the country have discovered what a boner is. They may not know what it's called, but they sure as hell like it.

I'd like to take a moment and introduce you to the next big television star. She is from humble beginnings and is just starting to grow what will be one of the world's great media empires. Allow her to show you her crib:



May we be seeing more of that beautiful gap-toothed grin (aka, diastema, for all you dentists out there) in the future?

I think this guy should have narrated Life, not Oprah, who sucked taint:



That honey badger is crazy!

Eeeeeeeeeeee.... awkward!



But who doesn't love a good dick joke right?! I thought about this, and it may actually be a complement to the male anchor. Yes, the 2 clearly bumped the nasties. So first of all, good for him! She is hot. And second, even though she clearly says his wang piece is tiny, she didn't disagree with him that it was impressive. So basically, he was a stallion in the bedroom even though his dong is the size of a thimble. Mad props, brother.

The leading breakfast chefs of our time (courtesy of The Biz):



This past week was when Watson the super computer was on Jeopardy, taking on the foremost nerds of our time, Ken Jennings (who owns the record for most wins in a row), and Brad Rutter (who owns the record for most money won on the show). It was annoying because Watson could buzz in faster than both of them, so as a result, he completely slaughtered them. It was funny, however, watching Ken Jennings every time Watson beat him to the buzzer because it looked like he wanted to shoot up a school full of small children. It was interesting to see an artificial intelligence be that smart, but how far do we take it? Remember what happens when the machines become aware...

My thoughts on Top Chef this week:

- It was GREAT to see Kevin on the Target commercial during the show. He was the man, and totally should have been on this All-Stars season. Who doesn't love a good ginger?
- I thought the Sesame Street quickfire was a lot fun, but the Target challenge was pretty ridiculous. The entire show was like one big Target commercial, though I know Scotty loved that.
- It was good to see the judges base their elimination decision solely on this challenge and this challenge alone, but I get the feeling they don't often do that, which is why I was absolutely shocked that Angelo went home instead of Tiffany. How is she still on the show?!
- Angelo was very gracious in defeat. I felt he could have taken a few shots at Mike Isabella for not only bossing him around during the challenge, but possibly being the reason why Angelo oversalted his food so bad (though maybe that's just what the editors wanted us to think).
- I continue to find it amazing that A) Blais almost never wins a challenge even though he is the shit, and B) great chefs like these are so often guilty of simple things like adding too much salt. Aren't they past that phase in their careers and shouldn't simple mistakes like that just not happen? The Chef of the Century is not pleased.

The people of Fort Wayne, IN have no sense of humor whatsoever.

Another week, another incredible episode of Jersey Shore. So many poop jokes this week! I LOVE POOP JOKES. And I learned a new word: Sloppapotamus (spelling?). I'm going to try and use that everyday now, much to the chagrin of those close to me.

I hate the Devils, they really know how to suck the life out of hockey. That being said, they still suck, and we should be able to beat them. Goddamn Rangers always have to make life difficult.

I enjoyed a little slice of heaven this past weekend, aka, I went to Taqueria, the best restaurant EVER that you've never heard of. It's in the JC (of course) on the corner of Grand and Grove. You need this.



I saw The Town over the weekend. Awesome movie. Continues the tradition of Ben Affleck only being good in movies where he puts on his ridiculous Boston accent and wears nothing but Bruins cardigans. If you haven't seen it, do so. It also teaches us a valuable lesson in life (SPOILER ALERT): Crime pays! Even if all your friends die. At the end, we see that Affleck has gotten away scot free, is rich, and still has the heart of the hot chick that he kidnapped and psychologically tortured. Good work if you can get it!

And finally, it was like Kansas up in this piece this past weekend because it was so unbelievably windy. JC is always a freakin' wind tunnel, but holy moses was it crazy out thurr!



This is a picture I took of a Washington Blvd. sign being blown off the post, but it doesn't show you that EVERY Washington Blvd. sign was blown off the posts and ended up decapitating small children and puppies in the streets. I only made part of that sentence up. It was nuts, yo.

MMBF - 2/14: Today is a Great Day.

Greetings everyone on this most glorious day of days! You may be asking why today is so great, but then thinking it's probably because it's Valentine's Day and I'm madly in love with my readers, but NO. I do love you, however, today is great for a completely different reason. Read on to find out...

I hate SportsCenter's Top 10 plays during basketball season. That's all it is is lame dunk after lame dunk. Number 4 is always some absurd goal in hockey, or a ridiculous overhead kick goal in soccer, then number 1 is LeBron James dunking on someone. OOooooooo, I've never seen that before! Thanks SportsCenter for making 7 of the top 10 plays dunks that everyone on the planet has already seen 100 times!

Quantum of Solace is confusing. Cool movie. Too much concentration involved. That James Bond sure is one sexy man though.

Hoboken - FIX YOUR SHIT. I want to play soccer.

So Ted is apparently going to start dating Zoey on How I Met Your Mother. Not sure how I feel about that. Clearly she's not the mom, and I feel like the show is starting to drag a bit because they're putting off him meeting the mother. I think it's gotta happen soon. But I like Zoey I think, so hopefully the show goes back to being as funny as when Ted and Robin were dating, when we also knew that Robin wasn't the mother.

Mark Sanchez is a cradle robber! I bet he subscirbes to Seventeen and Cosmo Girl so he has a sufficient amount of beat-off material.

These guys are true musicians.



Speaking of Lady Gaga, her new single, "Born This Way" is out. It's catchy I guess. Not totally digging it, though it may grow on me. It's no "Paparazzi" or "So Happy I Could Die," that's for DAMN sure.

Couple of thoughts on this past week's Top Chef:

- Blaise, you gotta stop helpin' bitches, especially Antonia! She sucks, but she was in the top 3 because you helped her. You sir, were not in the top 3. Keep your shit to yourself and OWN THESE MOTHA FUCKAS.
- My good friend Louey Colicchio (who has a couple restaurant reviews on the way, right Louey?) called Dale oversalting his cheese steak from a mile away. Well done sir. After last week when his food was called bland, you knew he was going to overdo it, and overdo it he did.
- Carla is insane, yet endearing somehow.
- Farewell Fabio. I love you. It should have been Tiffany going, not you. Absolutely soul-crushing that you won't be in my life anymore brother.

Landry Fields needs to work on his selling skills. Or just having people realize who he actually is.



Ronnie from Jersey Shore (do we even need to say "from Jersey Shore" anymore? I feel like we're on a first name basis with these people now) has major issues. Thank you Captain Obvious! I'm not surprised at anything he did during him and Sammy's epic fight last week. The only thing I'm surprised about is that he didn't kill her and throw her over the balcony. Showed surprising restraint, I thought.

It was absolutely delightful actually scoring goals and beating the Penguins on Sunday, even if they didn't have those 2 pussies Sid The Bitch and Malkin in their lineup. I hope Crosby's concussion is a career-ender. As for the Rangers, this doesn't cure our goal-scoring ills, but it's a start, though losing Chris Drury for another 6 weeks doesn't matter in the goal-scoring department regardless. Will hurt our faceoff's though.

How ironic was it that the dead people montage at the Grammys was followed up by a performance by Mick Jagger, someone who looks like he's been dead for 10 years?

And finally, the reason why today (well, yesterday actually) is a phenomenal day - I have 3 words for you: Pitchers and Catchers! SWEET JESUS BASEBALL IS COMING BACK! Then, to put the icing on the cake of this day of springtime hope was getting invited to my first fantasy baseball league of the season! I LOVE FANTASY BASEBALL! AND BASEBALL! PITCHERS AND CATCHERS!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! LDSKUHGOwiehugeownl;ksdnvouihv[weiNV[Oiewnvowienbv~!!!!!!!!!!

MMBF - 2/7: The Streak Continues!

Hello everyone! And welcome to the first day of the offseason of the National Football League which will most likely last about 3 years. I'm sure most of you are feeling fat and sassy, not to mention hungover, because of your Super Bowl parties last night, so I'm here to help you get through your day at work, which we shouldn't even have in the first place because the Super Bowl should be a national holiday. But that is of course a fight for another day.

The last 2 weeks were restaurant week in both NYC and Hudson County (where the beautiful JC is located), so there will be a number of restaurant reviews from Gallen de Robuchon and Louey Colicchio coming your way shortly (sorry Rich). I will, however, provide a brief overview of Edward's Steakhouse in the JC here since I was able to go for lunch. First off, they made me mighty proud to be a citizen of the JC by allowing me to do the dinner menu at lunch, so I nabbed the crab cakes (excellent), Caesar Salad (pretty standard), Delmonico Steak (top quality and delicious - perfect), and the Cheesecake (outstanding). Overall it was a great meal. Ambience was awesome - real, authentic Jersey. Waiter was great save for him not telling us his name. Is this becoming a trend? If so I hate it. Overall Restaurant Grade: A

Jurassic Park 3 is one of the most horrific movies on the planet, yet I watch it every time I come across it on TV because A) it has Jurassic Park in the title, and B) it has dinosaurs in it. But I could have taken a hot diarrhea on a film strip and it would have looked better on screen then this piece of shit. A black mark on the Jurassic Park name, for sure.

Snow day at work last week, and I was standing at our living room window, watching a bobcat plowing out the entryway to an apartment building... and dumping the snow on a shoveled-out parking spot on the road. No wonder why parking sucks taint during the winter. Thank you, asshole in the bobcat.

You just gotta watch Groundhog Day on Groundhog Day.

Glad Tre went home instead of Mike this week on Top Chef, seeing as with every episode that passes I like Mike Isabella more and more. Bullshit on Antonia winning instead of Fabio though. She is a bitch, and she made a pot of fucking mussels. I don't care what Tom (Sorry God) and Bourdain have to say in their blogs about her understanding the challenge. She cooked a pot of mussels. Fabio, you won in my book. Also, the Quickfire challenge this past week was the worst I have ever seen in my life. Since when has food ever been solely about presentation and not about flavor whatsoever? And boy, that Isaac Mizrahi is one angry gay dude.

Speaking of this past episode of Top Chef, my new ultimate goal in life is to eat at Rao's in NYC now. Supposedly the greatest Italian you can get anywhere, but the absolute toughest reservation to get in the world. Only 10 tables in the place, and everyone who used to go all the time in the 20s has a standing reservation for every night, a reservation you can pass down in the family. So basically I need to seek these people out, befriend them, and get an invite. And trust me... I will. TO ANY AND ALL PEOPLE WHO HAVE A STANDING RESERVATION AT RAO'S - I AM A REALLY NICE PERSON. I AM ITALIAN. AND I AM HUNGRY. WANT TO BE FRIENDS!??!?

This girl is going to be soooooo hot when she grows up. I can't wait for roughly 19 years from now when she's legal.

Need to learn Photoshop? Here you go!



Really sad to see that Andy Pettitte is retiring. He was, hands down, one of my favorite ballplayers to watch. There really was nothing like watching him fight through 6 innings in a playoff game when he clearly didn't have his best stuff and still only give up 2 runs. He was an absolute warrior on the mound, and he will be sorely missed in the Yankee rotation. Who's excited for Freddy Garcia and Bartolo Colon!?! Buster Olney's article on Andy was great (sorry if you don't have Insider).

Saw this in the supermarket the other day:



Delicious!

You learn something new everyday, I always say, and this was especially true during last week's episode of Jersey Shore when Snooki taught us all that the ocean water is salty because of whale sperm. Duh! That makes total sense! Why else would the water be salty then because all the whales are shooting their loads all over the place in fits of passion!

Speaking of Jersey Shore, this article is hilars. I wonder what it's like to live in a herpes nest?

Our boy Dan Mills is all growned-up and a big Broadway star now! Still haven't heard his music? Get yo ass in gear.

The referee in the Puppy Bowl is such a disgrace. His hair is literally all over the place, and it is year after year. Seriously dude, this is the pinnacle of Puppy refereeing. Have some respect for yourself and take a shower at least. Also, do you think Michael Vick is allowed to watch the Puppy Bowl as a part of his parole? And if so, do you think he gets a raging bonor when the puppies start fighting? "Mikey, Jr! I'll bet you 5 bucks the pug wins! Also, could you hand me that pillow? My crotch is getting cold."

Few things about the Super Bowl:

- That halftime show was one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. The Black Eyes Peas suck, though I was kinda hoping Fergie's huge dick would fall out at some point in the show.

- Suck it, Brett Favre! As if it wasn't enough that his last year in the NFL (hopefully) was so shitty that he became a pathetic, worthless failure, now the team that he left because he was a jackass won the Super Bowl without him! And with a QB who is better than him to boot, even though he refused to help him learn the ropes when he was there! SUCK IT YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!

- And finally... once again, I can tell the future with my beer purchase. Let's go over the history: 2 years ago, I bought Iron City, and Pittsburgh won. 1-0. Last year, I bought Abita, and New Orleans won. 2-0. This year? I bought a plethora of beers brewed in Wisconsin, and who won? The Green Bay Packers. 3-0. I am a soothsayer. I say sooths. The streak lives on!