MMBF - 1/3: Happy 20-Sticks!

Hola todos las personas who is reading this blog (5), and Happy New Year! I can't believe I've now posted a Brain Fart 3 weeks in a row. You must be peeing yourself with excitement. But now I have to take the next step: actually writing something else. Let's see if that can be accomplished before the world ends next year. Anyway, on to the Farting!

The Lexus December To Remember commercials need to be stopped. Every fucking year they have this same stupid sale on cars that only rich people can afford, and the commercials feature trophy wives using their husbands hard-earned cash to buy him a car with a huge, obnoxious red bow on the roof. He is always surprised by this discovery. A few observations: 1) SHE BOUGHT IT WITH YOUR MONEY DUMBASS! I bet he won't be so happy when he sees the credit card statement, along with the new Tiffany ring she's wearing and the new Coach purse that's on her shoulder. Money-grubbing whore. And 2) WHY IS HE SO SURPRISED?! DOES HE THINK THAT HIS WIFE IS BRINGING HIM OUT TO THE DRIVEWAY TO SHOW HIM HIS BRAND NEW CHRISTMAS CAMEL? Fucking idiot.

Watching the Rangers whip up on the Islanders is awesome! Great Ranger team to root for this year. Really hard-working. Tons of effort. Easy to relate to. LOVE IT.

This story is both amazing and mortifying in so many ways. First of all, good for her for having a dream and chasing it. If we don't have goals, then what exactly are we living for? But second, she has 2 kids. That means a man had sex with her. Sir, you are a disgrace. Remember rule number 1! NO FAT CHICKS.

I absolutely HATE the Hyundai commercials that have been running over the holiday season where one stupid bitch and her emo-rific man toy are singing Christmas songs next to a shittily-made car. The girl is a lifeless soul-sucker who aimlessly stares deep into your eyes while she belts out Christmas tunes, while the guy is some kind of 5 Hour Energy-guzzling jackass who's jumping around behind her banging on xylophones and dressing like Joe Young. Every time I see it I want to run head first into my TV, simultaneously ending the commercial, destroying the TV screen, and electrocuting myself. FUCK YOU HYUNDAI!

Ranting about commercials a lot today are we? Well, another ridiculous series of commercials that make me ponder self-mutilation are the ones for Cialis. Hey babe, did you just wipe butter off of my face while I was cutting this cucumber? Let us fuck! Oh my god! Did my dirt-caked hand just graze your shoulder while we were gardening? Well, time for you to suck my dick! It's a good thing I have this pill to make my wang hard! I'm so old, yet I still maintain a healthy sexual existence with my equally-as-old partner. Neato! Let's go get naked and sit in separate bath tubs up there on that mountain-top!

So Joe Webb, a quarterback who's barely good enough to start for my high school team, plays the game of his life and beats the Eagles, yet Eli Manning, an insanely cute Super Bowl MVP, can't? Sometimes the Giants make me want to run a cheese grater over my nuts. And speaking of the Eagles, the ONE FUCKING TIME WE NEEDED THEM TO WIN, they don't. Burn Philadelphia. Burn.

So remember how Tony Dungy made a big Christian stink about how Rex Ryan cursed too much on Hard Knocks? Well, where is his rhetoric now since Bruce Boudreau is making Rex Ryan look like a pre-schooler on HBO's 24/7? I don't think I've ever heard a man curse more than ol' Brucy does, but Tony is nowhere to be seen to tell us what a bad man he is. I guess cursing in hockey is ok!

So even though Joe Montana tried to ruin Rudy by telling everyone that half the shit in the movie didn't happen, it still rules. I happened across it over the weekend while watching the telly and obviously had to stop and watch, and that flick never fails to deliver the waterworks. Thank you, Sean Aston. And Fuck You Joe Montana.

Well, now that the G-Men have been officially eliminated from the playoffs and Tom Coughlin is officially going to be back as our head coach next year, here is a list of people we should fire:

Offensive Coordinator Kevin Gilbride - Giants fans have been predicting his play calls for 3 years now. You think people who actually do this shit for a living don't know what's coming? He fucking sucks. GET RID OF HIM.

Special Teams Coordinator Tom Quinn - The kick and punt coverage sucks more man junk than a drunk 20 year old chick at a frat party, our punter is the worst punter in the history of punting, our kicker can only make field goals if the hold is perfect, and our team had no idea an onside kick might come in an obvious onside kick situation during our meltdown against the fucking Eagles. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!?!? FUCK! GET RID OF HIM.

QB Coach Mike Sullivan - Our Super Bowl MVP quarterback has shitty footwork and threw 25 interceptions this year. This is what happens when you promote a WIDE RECEIVER COACH to the QB Coach position. GET RID OF HIM.

And with that, I would like to wish you are yours a wonderful and prosperous 2011! But before we officialy get down to business in 20-sticks, here was my favorite moment from 2010:



What was your favorite moment from the past year?