MMBF - 12/27: Merry Christmas!

Greetings fellow humans! As promised, I'm back in some sort of groove, so here is my second Monday Morning Brain Fart in 2 weeks! For those of you who just passed out, well... I have nothing to say, because you're currently unconscious. But for those of you who have survived the realization that I'm actually posting again, kudos! Please enjoy the following worthless prose that comes from the diarrhea that ran through my head throughout the past week.

The woman and I went to Heartland Brewery in NYC after walking around the Holiday Shops at Bryant Park on Monday night. As we approached, we noticed that they have a sort of restaurant spinoff now, called HB Burger. So we decided to try it out. I had a delicious Buffalo-style beef burger, which had the bleu cheese laced throughout the burger, and a delightful buffalo hot sauce on top. Highly recommended. But the coup de grace were the tater tots, which were made with bacon and jalapeno jack cheese. Holy moly. Those were heavenly. Need that baco in your tots.

All hail Corey Wooten! The Bears defensive end is the latest hero to knock Brett Favre possibly out of his career, this time slamming him to the turf and giving him a concussion. Let's hope that ended his career! Thanks Corey.

I'd like to take a second to applaud the Newport Centre Mall Taco Bell on an excellent beefy 5-layer burrito the other day. It was clean, nicely wrapped and didn't fall apart in my hands as I ate it, yet it was filled with the same beefy, gooey, cheesy excellence that I'm used to from The Bell. Kudos, hair-netted gentleman in the back.

Aaron Rodgers is playing? We're fucked.

I bought my nephew Dexter a Michael Vick chew toy for Christmas, mostly because I decided that as a Giants fan, I needed to see Vick (or at least a plastic facsimile of him) destroyed at the hands of those he tortured, as a result of last week's embarrassment. Behold the grisly glory:



Gotta love the NCAA! 6 Ohio St. players, including highly-overrated starting quarterback Terrelle Pryor, were suspended for not paying for tattoos. So they're going to miss the Sugar Bowl next week? Nope. They're missing 5 games next year. Heaven forbid the NCAA miss a money-making opportunity and have important players miss a game on national television! What a crock of shit.

Speaking of college football, I don't want to hear any more shit about players bitching about how they don't get paid for playing. You guys get a full scholarship, including tuition, room and board, books, meal plan, etc. That's not enough? Shut up. Those of us who have tens of thousands of dollars of school loans to repay by actually working real jobs don't want to hear it.

I got my nuts scanned by the TSA 2 weeks ago on a flight to Phoenix from Chicago. I didn't care. I also didn't care that some guy who hates his job had to take a close look at my dong to make sure I didn't have a bomb on me. I'm all for anything to make my flight, and all other flights in this country, safer. Everyone who's complaining - Shut the fuck up. You want another plane to blow up? Go live in the middle east. I prefer my travel safe here in America.

I have now heard the greatest nickname in sports - The Norwegian Hobbit Wizard, aka, New York Rangers rookie right wing Mats Zuccarello. He's Norwegian, he looks like a hobbit, and he's 5'6". It's perfect! He's also awesome. Also, I saw Michael Del Zotto in person the other day. He's sexy.

I think it's hilarious how many people are getting hurt performing in that ridiculous Spiderman musical. What a stupid idea. Actually, the other day I was reading a reputable and well-respected internet publication that had a review of the musical that I thought I should share with you. Enjoy.

Yesterday was Snowmaggedon in New Jersey! I, of course, was driving home to JC from my parent's house in the middle of it, so suffice it to say, I've had better road trips. But I made it through alive clearly, so good for you! 3 funny things that happened: 1) I had to pee like a racehorse while we were parked on I-78 for 45 minutes, so I got out of the car and ran into the woods on the median. Of course the traffic started moving as soon as I whipped my cock out, so I had to squeeze my flow out as fast as possible and sprint back to the car in the snow. Sure I got a few laughs there. 2) Saw some douche driving a SmartCar in the blizzard. Whoever was driving that car is an idiot. And 3) The "Welcome to the Ice Age" sign on the Liberty Science Center in JC that I passed was very appropriate. They can tell the future!

Joe Buck just said that the Giants were one of the better screen-pass teams in the National. Football. League. Has he ever watched football before? Either Eli throws the ball 800 mph at Brandon Jacobs or Ahmad Bradshaw's feet and/or heads, or those 2 dumbasses drop it. Joe Buck - You're an idiot. The Giants suck at screen passes, among other things.

Just like I thought, Aaron Rodgers killed us. Plus, I swear if I see another Giants turnover, I'm going to run downstairs to the dog-run outside of our building, role around in the dried dog shit that asshole dog owners never pick up, get up, and plant a sharp spike in the ground. Then I'm going to run back to my apartment on the 18th floor, and jump off the balcony onto said spike. I anticipate this happening next week when we turn the ball over for the first of 5 times. They suck. Hello Bill Cowher!

I forgot how sad Cast Away was. Sure, there's a glimmer of hope at the end when he meets the redhead in middle-of-nowhere Texas, gives a look, and while the credits are rolling probably chases her down and bangs her out in the bed of her truck right in front of the dog, but seriously, first his plane crashes. Then he spends 4 years on an island talking to a fucking volleyball. Then when he finally returns home, Helen Hunt teases him with a few kisses before dumping his ass because she has a family she doesn't love. Poor Tom Hanks.

And finally, to all my fellow Gentiles, I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas!

Ugh. Another week of work. Though at least this one begins with a snow day!