MMBF - 1/17: I miss 24, sad face.

Yes I know. This is a day late. However, I am writing this on a Monday, so it partially counts, just as long as you discount time of day. I feel like there is always a lot of pressure on comedians to keep being funny at all times, and because of that, a lot of them put a ton of pressure on themselves, which leads to various narcotic smoking and ultimately, death. Good thing I'm not funny at all.

Reebok's Zigtech sneaks are the shit. I sprung for a pair a few months back and all my foot pain has magically disappeared. I swear by them. Do yourself a favor and get some Zig in your life. Also, did you see Erin Andrews is the new face of Zigtech? No wonder I get a bonor every time I tie my shoes.

I feel like Oregon's football uniforms promote epilepsy. I seem to always want to stick a wallet in my mouth whenever I watch them on TV for fear of seizure. As far as their actual performance on the field goes - I hope they enjoy their national championship from this year when they are rewarded it in 3 years because Auburn gets all their shit taken away because they paid for hookers for Cam Newton.

What exactly is "shmeblicate"? The hot alien chicks in that Bud Light commercial need to do it with a man in order to save their species, but what exactly is it? I'm guessing it's alien for butt sex. Has to be. If there was one thing we'd need to do to save our civilization, it would definitely be butt sex.

Verizon iPhone - no voice + data? Ouch. Not that I was going to switch anyway, but that's a big demerit on Verizon's part. And yes I know, you have to actually be able to do voice to then be able to do voice and data, ha ha ha. When everyone jumps off AT&T to switch to Verizon and the network becomes severely less clogged, we'll see who's laughing.... Yeah I know. Probably still you.

I was thinking the other day, why do snow songs stop when Christmas is over? Take "Let it Snow" for example. It really isn't a song about Christmas. It's just a song about weather. So why, when Christmas is over, do radio stations automatically stop playing it, when it is very clearly still snowing outside? Boggles the mind.

I saw my first 5 minutes ever of V the other night. What a fuckin stupid show. But I love Juliet from LOST, so major brownie points there.

The Million Dollar Money Drop is incredibly gripping television. Few things bring me more pleasure then watching 2 dumbasses put all the money on one answer, only to see it drop down the hole, thereby awarding them squat. Haha suckers!

Wendy's is now offering "Natural Cut Fries." What the fuck does that mean? Did they cut the potatoes with a ray of sunshine? A particularly sharp blade of grass? That makes no sense. They basically think every soy milk drinking, tofu eating, tight pants wearing, crunchy hipster will see the word "Natural" in the description and spring to buy it so they can maintain their earthy lifestyle. Funny thing is it probably works.

Top Chef was supremely satisfying last week as both Jamie and White Tiffany went home. THANK CHRIST. Jamie is a stupid bitch who can't cook (why is she on this show again?), while White Tiffany was clearly the more lackluster of the 2 Tiffanys. I still miss Casey though. Good thing Fabio is still around to warm the cockles of my heart with his accent.

I like how LeBron tweeted that "karma was a bitch" (or something to that effect) after the Cavaliers got destroyed by 379 points last week by the Lakers, then denied it, saying someone else wrote it for him. Stand by what you say, you pussy. Oh no! I talked shit about LeBron! Does that mean I'm on his list, and he's going to get me? I'm diarrheaing all over myself as we speak.

Eric Mangini sucked as a head coach in the National. Football. League., and he sucks as an analyst on ESPN. The host will ask him a question, and instead of turning and addressing his audience by looking at the camera, he continues to stare deep into his host's eyes, like he's trying to communicate to him that he wants to tongue his balls once his bland and obvious analysis of the Jets Cover 2 scheme is complete. It's just creepy.

Get Him to the Greek was super hilars. And surprisingly, Puff Daddy was not lame. In fact, quite the contrary. I think we have a comedic star in the making. Hopefully he doesn't put too much pressure on himself to be funny all the time now, start smoking crack off of tranvestite hooker's wang pieces, and die.

The new Goldeneye for the Wii takes a bit of getting used to because of the control scheme, but once you get the hang of it, it's titties. Brings back fond memories of sitting in my buddy's basement and setting off remote mines in the Stack while my much cooler friends were getting to first base with the class slut. Ah, grade school.

Round 2 officially has gone to J-Wowww. Though I wish that Round 2 concluded with Jenni just taking out a gun and shooting Sammie. She is the worst. I hope Ron Ron Juice cheats on her again, then tries to sleep with her while his ween still smells like used condoms so she leaves the show. The world will be a much better place.

I own several pairs of jeans with holes in the crotches, and I have decided that there is no real downside to having that. 1) You get sweet ventilation for your nuts. 2) There is easy access for the ladies. 3) You have a great humor-ridden conversation starter in case of a discussion lull. 4) In some cases, you don't even have to unzip your fly if you have to take a piss. 5) People will think you're bold and daring for going out in public with the threat of anaconda evacuation right around the corner. Point is, I can't find a reason why it's bad.

The bartender at the White Horse Tavern in NYC looks like Bill Buchanan. What a great American hero, a hero who is missed dearly. Suffice it to say, the bartender was confused when I saluted him.

The Jets beat the Patriots. Woo hoo. Another week of incessant sports talk radio about Rex Ryan's various fetishes and want for trash talk. People, he talks a lot and is confident in his team. Get over it. No need to discuss it ad nauseam and make me want to cut the corners of my mouth with a sharpened credit card.

SWEET JESUS THE RANGERS TRADED AWAY MICHAL ROSZIVAL!!!!! CUE THE CHORUS OF ANGELS!!!! Now if we could only get rid of Wade Redden (who I believe comes back on the books next year), I will have a permanent stiffy. Also, it would be nice if we could score some goals. Marian Gaborik, get on that please. We don't pay you to be nailed to the pine because you keep shooting the puck at the goalie's chest.

Speaking of 24 (and if you had no idea that I already referenced the show in this blog entry (and not in the title), please stop reading this. Forever.), Chloe was on Modern Family! She's the best, and I miss her. I miss Jack. I miss Jack killing everyone in site in the name of justice. I miss President Palmer, the greatest President this country has ever had. I miss Tony Almeida, whose reputation will never be sullied in my mind. I miss Edgar, who was taken from us entirely too soon. I miss Curtis Manning, the baddest motha this side of the Mississip. I miss Renee Walker, who not only was hot, but was about to give Jack the happy life he deserved. I miss Aaron Pierce, the greatest secret service agent ever, and all around great guy. And last but not least, I miss Kim Bauer, because, well, she's just really hot, not to mention she has Jack Genes in her. The movie cannot come soon enough.