The California Gold Rush started when Jack Bauer took a piss in a field somewhere near San Francisco.

Yo yo! After another exciting episode of 24 last night, I am back to grace you with my thoughts on it after a week off. As always, we will now go to our trusty character key, though you may notice a few changes this time around...



1) Arlo Glass - Apparently pulling triple duty now that he has to do his old job, BITCH's job, because she sucks, and Chloe's job, because she's running shiz at CTU. He's quite the multi-tasker.

2) BITCH - Was working for the Russians this whole time, not the actual terrorists, so now Jack wants to grill her shit to find out which Russians were behind this whole fiasco the entire time. Clearly President Taylor doesn't want that, so now BITCH finds herself in a whole world of trouble that apparently includes electric chairs, toe snippers and various other torture devices, and some good ol' fashioned waterboarding. Fun!

3) Charles Logan - Has gotten into the mind of President Taylor and is now doing dances up in there. That incredible amount of neck flab can be very persuasive you know. I'm assuming that we'll find out soon that he has some other agenda for "helping" the President out other than just restoring his good name within government circles.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Doing a job at CTU that Bill Buchanan would be proud of, that is until she tried to lead Jack into a trap so that he could be brought in and stopped from bringing this whole scandal to light. Come on Chloe, you know better than that. Bill, get your ghost back to CTU and help her out a bit. RIP sir.

5) Cole Ortiz - After initially following Chloe's orders to capture Jack, he quickly realizes that Jack is always right and decides to help him out. Obviously though, his decision was made pretty easy after Jack had subdued all of his men and put a gun to his head. Jack can be pretty persuasive when he has a gun to your head, you know.



6) Renee Walker - A moment of silence, please.














Thank you.

7) Jack Bauer - As always, he is right about the whole scandal, and is doing everything he can to bring it to light and take down the Russians. Aside from Cole, he literally has no help whatsoever. What does this mean? Jack is going to win, of course. Russia = Dead. All Russians = Dead. President Taylor = Screwed. Charles Logan = Dead.

8) Omar Hassan - Like all of Russia is soon to be, he is dead. I wish the same fate upon his daughter as well. Seriously, could Kyla Hassan be ANY more annoying? I don't think so. I feel sorry for Dalia that she's had to put up with her stupid daughter for all these years.

9) Allison Taylor - Currently caught up in a web of Charles Logan's lies, which means she is royally screwed, because we all know Jack is going to win the day and bring this whole scandal to light. I except a firm bitch slap from Dalia Hassan, as well as a big fat, I TOLD YOU SO!! from Ethan Kanin as she sobs softly at her desk, knowing that her Presidency is slowly spinning down the toilet bowl, only to be deposited in the same septic tank where Logan's and Noah Daniels' Presidencies lie.

10) Ethan Kanin - First of all, he looks pretty sheik and sexy on Rob Weiss' body huh?! Looks like Ethan's been working out, post-heart attack of course. Anyway, he is like the shoulder angel to Charles Logan's shoulder devil for President Taylor, only Taylor consistently listens to the devil. Good for Ethan for sticking to his guns and resigning, only to give Taylor a good jab on the way out by saying the Logan had replaced him. BOOM ETHAN! She hated that comment. Well done, sir.

Other random thoughts from last night's episode:

- Air Force Apache helicopters? Yeah, no match for Jack. PEACE BITCHES!

- I love that Michael Madson's character is just chilling in New York City in a fancy computer room with enough weaponry to furnish a small army. We were all glad that he was able to provide Jack with "various assault rifles," along with everything else he requested, for the mission. Also love that gnarly scar that covers his entire neck. I hope we find out how that happened!

- You may have noticed that the Backpack of Doom had usurped the Satchel of Doom at the end of the episode. Jack always means business, but this time in particular he means even bigger business.

- I enjoyed the random Asian man who has stepped into a dana analyst role of some sort at CTU in the wake of BITCH's shenanigans and Chloe's promotion. He was funny.

MMBF - 4/26: It's the Extravaganza. We do it every year.

Hola chicos y chicas, and welcome back to the Brain Fart! As you know, it was on hiatus for the last week because I was on a cruise ship somewhere in the Bahamas sipping on whiskey and gingers, smoking cuban cigars, and floating on the laziest of lazy rivers at Atlantis in Nassau. Clearly I did not have time to write anything or even think about you people, but now I'm back to the real world, so you can go back to looking forward to Mondays again.

Oh yeah, before I continue, I just wanted to show you a picture of the hot action I got down in the Bahamas. I know, you're jealous. She pleased me like none other.



I spent much of this weekend in front of the TV, and because of this, I watched a lot of really great playoff hockey highlights, most of which involved last second goals and overtime winners that made the crowd go absolutely nuts. There is nothing like playoff hockey. The intensity is incredible. The tension is unbearable. It's arguably the most scintillating few weeks in sports (if you're team is in it). That being said, I'd like to send a big ol' FUCK YOU to Glen Sather and the New York Rangers for depriving me of this excitement. Bastards.

After being denied a weekend of my new favorite team, the Red Bulls, by my vacation, I was able to watch them this past Saturday in their first ever game against the expansion Philadelphia Union, which they won 2-1. The result improved their record to 4-1. Boo yah! Anyway, I finally figured out who midfielder Joel Lindpere looks like after agonizing over it ever since I saw him for the first time: Dustin Pedroia, that scumbag from the Boston Red Sawcks. Now I feel really dirty for rooting for this guy, even if he's from Estonia and literally has zero connections to Pedroia. But just the fact that they look alike really burns my loins. Or maybe that's something else burning my loins at the moment that I got in the Bahamas...



Sunday, I saw The Proposal for the first (and last) time. It's the romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, where Reynolds is forced to marry his boss who he hates (Bullock) so she doesn't get deported back to Canada. I have 2 words for my review of this movie: It sucked. Eli!



And finally, as you all know, this past weekend was the NFL Draft, which of course meant the 3rd Annual NFL Draft/White Castle Extravaganza! And even though Roger Goodell tried to ruin it for us by moving the 1st round to primetime on Thursday and therefore when we weren't home due to vacation, we persevered by DVRing the first round and watching it on Friday in conjunction with rounds 2 and 3. Despite your best efforts Goodell, much White Castle was consumed while much NFL Draft was watched. Suck it, Roger!

Anyway, on to my thoughts about the Draft:

- ESPN's broadcast was AWFUL during rounds 1, 2, and 3. I've always watched ESPN for the NFL Draft, and I always will, particularly because Chris Berman entertains me, but the broadcast itself was pretty bad. Graphics all over the place, dead air, anchors looking confused, field reporters not knowing they are on the air... I would assume many a person got fired. It was funny watching Chris Berman get angry when he was on camera but wasn't supposed to be. In fact, it's always funny watching Chris Berman get angry:



- The Day 3 broadcast of rounds 4-7 featuring ESPN's "B" team, anchored by Trey Wingo, was flawless. Thought that was funny too.

- Jon Gruden loves every player in the draft. No matter what negative things Mel Kiper or Todd McShay had to say about a player, Gruden would always chime in with how much he loved the player and knew he was going to succeed. According to Gruden, every team is going 16-0 this year! A big WOO HOO to parity!

- This was the NFL Draft. The players involved are kids not even in the league yet. And still, ESPN found a way to jizz all over Brett Favre. I hate him.

Now my thoughts on the Giants draft picks!

1) Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida - We desperately need a middle linebacker, and I wasn't sure who we were going to take after Oakland took Rolando McClain at number 8 (after which I almost threw Scott off my balcony), but I think I like the pick of Pierre-Paul because it's tough to pass up a ridiculous freak athlete like him. We won the Super Bowl with 4 great DE's in 2007, let's do so again in 2010.

2) Linval Joseph, DT, East Carolina - A big fatty for the middle of our D-line so we can stop the run. Like it, but we still need a MLB.

3) Chad Jones, S, LSU - Clearly this pick tells me that despite everything the Giants brass has been saying, Kenny Phillips is far from being fully recovered from his knee injury. Lots of people think Jones could be great though, so we'll see. Still need a MLB.

4) Phillip Dillard, MLB, Nebraska - FINALLY! A MLB! Except this one has a big injury history. Awesome.

5) Mitch Petrus, OL, Arkansas - A big hog of a lineman who could play some guard for us in his rookie year. Apparently can bench press a house.

6) Adrian Tracy, OLB, William & Mary - Who?

7) Matt Dodge, P, East Carolina - Pretty much signals the end of the Jeff Feagles era. According to Tom Coughlin, Feagles is leaning towards retirement. If that's the case, you were the best Jeff, we'll miss you! Now if only Lawrence Tynes would retire...

Ugh. Another week of work.

Memoirs of a Dying Industry

So the other day I was watching the Braves on MLB Network (which, by the way, is a phenomenal channel. If you're a baseball fan, it should be a nightly stop for you), and I, like the rest of the country, quickly came down with a case of Jason Heyward fever. That guy is a flat-out stud. He's 6 foot 4, 220 pounds, and leads the Braves in home runs and RBIs - and he's only 20 years old. So naturally while watching him, I thought, I should probably buy a custom player t-shirt with his name on it from mlb.com. So to mlb.com I went so I could make the purchase. After looking at my shopping cart as I prepared to checkout, I had my next thought: I'm not spending enough money here. Yes I know, that's a thought that often gets people into trouble, but I succumbed to the urge anyway and continued to browse the website. And after a couple minutes of doing so, I stumbled across something that immediately took me back to the glory days of yore: baseball cards.

Nothing reminds me more of my childhood than baseball cards. While other kids my age were smoking drugs or banging in the janitor's closet (what the hell kind of elementary school did I go to?? I might be exaggerating a bit), I was collecting and trading baseball cards. As a kid, I'd say that 95% of the total allowance I garnered from my parents during the time they gave it to me went towards the purchase of baseball cards. No football cards. No basketball cards. No hockey cards. Baseball only. Steven's going to the convenience store to get milk? He's coming back with a new pack of cards. Steven has a funeral to go to? He's sneaking out to go to the corner and buy a new pack of cards. You name the event, I was somehow coming out of it with new baseball cards.

I remember the late 80s - early 90s, when every pack of Topps would come with that cardboard-like stick of gum; the stick would leave that powdery residue all over the card that it was up against inside the pack. The Bazooka packs always had the best gum, but Bazooka cards weren't worth all that much, so I tended to stay away from them. As the years went by, more and more companies started making cards. Topps and Upper Deck were the mainstays, but there was also Fleer, Donruss, Score, Stadium Club, Leaf, Pinnacle... the options were endless. Those who were lucky had the 1989 Upper Deck Ken Griffey, Jr. rookie card. I have 2 of them. Young baseball fans today can identify a bit more with the 1993 Topps Derek Jeter rookie card. I have 4 of them, 2 of which are Topps Gold. You always wanted to be the guy who had the most valuable cards, but not because you wanted to sell them and make money, but because of their sentimental value and the bragging rights over your friends that they gave you.

I remember going over to my friend Doug's house with my baseball card binders in tow, ready to make trades. His favorite player was Frank Thomas of the White Sox, but I never wanted to trade him any of mine because Frank Thomas and Ken Griffey, Jr. were always the most valuable cards in a set. They were always worth $3.00, the rest of the set was $2.25 and under. I remember bundling all of my common cards together in rubber-banded piles, because they weren't worth squat and I didn't care that the rubber bands dented the sides. I remember going to card shows, running directly to the David Justice sections of people's collections, and buying every single one that I didn't already own. My friend Koz and I grew up with Justice being our favorite player, so we collected as many cards of his as we could. Justice has his own binder in my collection, and the last time I remember counting them I had over 450 cards of him alone. I remember making trades with my younger brother where I would convince him that 2 cards of crappy Astros players were worth just as much as the Topps All-Star card that featured Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken, Jr., because obviously 2 crappy cards are worth as much as 1 card with 2 Hall of Famers on it (right Matthew? HA HA!).

I stopped collecting cards somewhere between 1999 and the turn of the century. There were just too many companies, too many cards to keep up with. Companies started coming out with cards that had jersey pieces on them, cards that were coated in layers of holograms and such. It was like they were bastardizing those wonderful pieces of card stock with pictures and stats of players that I loved. Plus I was in high school and other "interests" were taking me over, so the baseball card era of my life unceremoniously came to an end. Now tens of thousands of cards occupy numerous binders and shoeboxes on the top couple of shelves in the closet of my old bedroom at my parent's house. Every once in a while when I'm back at home I look at them and think about taking them down, looking at them, organizing them in a different way than how they already are. But I never do. And over the years since I've stopped collecting, and more specifically in the last couple of years, I've read many articles about the downfall of the baseball card industry. Too many brands and not enough collectors lead to most of the companies folding. Card values are down. It's sad, because I feel that kids these days don't get to enjoy the national pastime in the way I was able to as a kid because of the dearth of baseball cards. Now Topps has an exclusive deal with Major League Baseball to be the one and only card company that can have Major League players and teams on them. One company. One choice. The writing is on the wall for this once-booming and now dying industry.

Which brings me back to the box of cards I purchased along with my Jason Heyward shirt, the box of cards that was delivered to me at my office today. I remember each new pack of cards being like Christmas morning: you had no idea what was beneath the shiny wrapping and couldn't wait to tear that wrapping off to find out. How about we re-discover this feeling, if only for one lonely night in my mid-twenties?! I clearly have no friends. The highlights of my night of reminiscence:



- The box starts with some thing called a "Commemorative Patch Card," and mine is of.... Chase Utley, with a commemorative patch from the 2008 World Series. Great. Doesn't Topps know I hate the Phillies? If you're going to bastardize the baseball card with a patch, at least make it of a player I actually like!

- Oooo! A 3 player card of NL RBI Leaders with Prince Fielder, Ryan Howard, and Albert Pujols! I bet if my brother owned this card I could give him 3 crappy Astros cards for this one.

- An old Frank Robinson card as a part of the series "The Cards Your Mom Threw Out." Nice. They're putting old cards in the packs for you to re-discover. Except they're not the actual old cards, just new ones that look like the old ones. Oye.

- Tim Lincecum! Awesome.

- "History of the Game" series of cards, that teach you different things about baseball, such as when it was invented, when the first World Series was... not too bad. I can dig that.

- Tommy Hanson! Nice. Give it to me Topps.

- Albert Pujols! He HAS to be the Frank Thomas or Ken Griffey, Jr. of this generation of baseball cards. $3.00 BOO YAH.

- Oh sweet. So this card has a code for you to enter online so you can get an actual old card that "Your Mom Threw Away." Looks like some people have gotten old Mickey Mantle's, Cal Ripken's, etc. Let's see what I get.... a 2007 Joey Gathright? You've got to be kidding me. I'll leave that one in the trash, Mom. Thanks.

- Ah, a Tobi Stoner Rookie Card. I have no idea who that is, except he has a cool name and he plays for the Mets, which means he's going to suck.

- A toppstown.com card, which gives you a code to go online and unlock a virtual pack of cards. I don't want virtual cards. I want real cards that you can hold in your hands. This just keeps getting worse.

- Topps Attax Head-to-Head Card Game?! What is this, Magic the Gathering? No wonder why this industry is going down the toilet.

Well as you can see from my discoveries this evening, there are reasons that the baseball card industry is suffering, and it's obvious that Topps will go to great lengths and great absurdities to attract new customers. So while this wasn't as satisfying an experience as it was when I was a kid, it was still fun to remember that old feeling I used to get when I opened a new pack of cards. Unfortunately though, that's not a feeling that kids these days can get anymore, and that is surely a travesty.

I thank you for bearing with me during this self-indulgent bit of nostalgia. And yes, I realize I am a huge nerd. Also, feel free to comment with any baseball card collecting memories you may have as well. I'd love to hear them.

When Jack impregnates a woman, it only takes 3 months for the baby to come out either jacked like Rambo (boy) or hot like Kim (girl)

Apparently in the last 2 days, life has conspired to take away from me everything that I love. I am inconsolable right now. First, the Rangers were taken away from me on Sunday, and now last night, well, if you haven't seen the latest episode of 24, I suggest you look away. Just know that things are not good. On to my character key.



1) Arlo Glass - I've somewhat come around to him ever since he became leery of BITCH and then made a joke about staring at her boobies, but sometimes he asks too many questions when he should just do what he's told, especially when he's taking orders from a certain new CTU executive...

2) BITCH - Currently rotting in a cell, waiting for Cole to have some free time so he can tear her limb from limb for not only betraying her country, but breaking his heart.

3) Brian Hastings - As I've been discussing, the spirit of Bill Buchanan has been growing stronger and stronger with him, which directly lead to my friends and I liking him more and more. Well, apparently Secretary of Homeland Security Tim Woods doesn't feel the same way, because he replaced Hastings as head of CTU with...

4) Chloe O'Brian - Yes! An inspired pick by Tim Woods, and the person that Bill Buchanan himself would have chosen to be his successor. The country instantly became 459% safer as soon as Hastings finished going over protocols with her, and she already proved her mettle by instantly realizing that someone at the scene had secretly poisoned Samir so that he would die and couldn't talk. Bill's watching you from above, Chloe, and damn is he proud of you. RIP Bill. CTU is in good hands now with Chloe, but it'll never be in as great a hands as it was when you were here with us.

5) Cole Ortiz - Jack correctly called him a good agent as he said his goodbyes, and he is right. Cole's a good man, but he's also another person who needs to just do what Chloe says. Don't question her request for a toxicity test on Samir, Cole, just do it. She's always going to be right.

6) Renee Walker - I'm speechless. I cannot believe that Renee has been taken from us, and more importantly, taken from Jack. She will truly be missed, not only by Jack and her fellow friends in anti-terrorism, but by me, because Renee and I had forged a special bond over the last few months, a bond that not even death can break. At least she had the honor and privilege of coitus with Jack right before she was killed. If you're gonna go, might as well go out having just previously engaged in the pinnacle of humanity, right? Renee is a much more deserving recipient of the silent countdown than Hassan was. A moment of silence please.













7) Jack Bauer - You have to wonder about the audacity of God to take away every woman in Jack's life from him when Jack is a greater being than He. First Terry, then Audrey Raines, now Renee. You just have to feel bad for the guy. And once he finds out that the Russians were behind the murder of Renee sometime next week... oooooooooooo boy, Russia better watch out. We are about to see Jack kill more people and blow up more countries in the next 6 episodes than he has in all 8 seasons combined. Buckle up!



8) Omar Hassan - Hopefully not still sitting in that chair with his throat cut open. One would think that someone bothered to at least put him in a body bag or something, right? His exotic and estranged wife is now the President of the IRK, which most likely means she's going to die too.

9) Allison Taylor - Can see right through the Russians and knows that they never intended to sign the peace treaty in the first place. You think she had a shit fit when she found out Rob Weiss was co-leader of the plan to turn Hassan over to the terrorists? Watch out for her when she finds out the Russians were also behind the plot to nuke Manhattan. Baldy Ruski better get ready for a right bitch slappin'!

10) Rob Weiss - Currently in prison, awaiting trial for treason and most likely looking forward to the death penalty. Unless by now Jafar has gotten into the prison dressed as a vagabond and convinced Rob that he needs to go with him to the desert to recover the ancient lamp for him, in which case he has escaped and we'll never see him again.

Other random thoughts from an episode where my soul was sniped from me:

- Kyla Hassan needs to fall out of a window on the 36th floor of the UN or something. She sucks.

- In typical 24 fashion, there is always someone behind the main plot that is bigger and shadowyer (I just invented that word. Boom.) than those who were originally carrying it out. Last year it was Coach Yost. This year it's the Russians. Jack is going to exterminate all of them.

- Something's fishy about Eat Logan's return. Obviously he wants to appear well-intentioned, but that look in his eyes tells you he has other motives. I'm as excited as anyone that he's back, because I missed that hesitant scowl of his, but let's not forget that he was behind the assassination of David Palmer, the greatest President this country has ever scene. Let's hope he takes a step in the right direction towards redemption for the good of this country, and for his own good, because Jack will kill him too if he screws the pooch.

Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep. Goodnight forever Renee. I love you.

MMBF - 4/12: And Just Like That, It was Over.

Greetings on this terribly depressing and somber Monday morning. I'll get to why I'm so sad later, but thank God I live in New Jersey. The mere thought of that picks my spirits right up, as it should yours if you also happen to find yourself in a lugubrious state of mind. On to my musings from my sports-centric weekend.

Due to previous work obligations, I was unable to watch the final round of the Masters on Sunday when my boy Phil Mickelson took over and won the green jacket. LEFTY POWER MOTHER (BEEEEEP)ERS. Anyway, I did get to watch some on Saturday, when obviously most of the coverage centered around Tiger Hoods and his return to golf. Well, it nice to see that some things never change, because after his tee shot on one of the holes, he proceeded to yell, "TIGER WOODS! YOU SSSSSSSSSSSSSUCK! GODDAMMIT!" I particularly enjoyed the drawn out ssssssssuck, but I also enjoyed that he hasn't changed his ways just because other people say he needs to behave better on the golf course. Who cares if he throws a tantrum every once in a while? I know I would if I drove the ball as badly as he does sometimes. Did people stay away from seeing Happy Gilmore because Happy threw a tantrum on the course? Absolutely not. Don't sweat the haters, Tiger.

Now concerning el Tigre's other, more public indiscretions and the ramifications they've had on his personal and professional life, as a sports fan I say, who cares? Yes, he is a douchebag. And yes, he has treated his wife and family about as good as I treat my fist when the Giants lose. But we're seeing perhaps the greatest golfer to ever live. Just like we'll tell our grandkids about seeing Michael Jordan play basketball, we'll tell them about seeing Tiger Woods play golf. And as a sports fan, that is a pretty amazing thing to say. Granted, my grandchildren will then respond with, "But grandpa, didn't he have a penchant for banging porn stars and other unsavory women behind his wife's back?" (my grandkids will have an advanced vocabulary). And I will answer, "Yes, but you should have seen the things he could do on a golf course." You may not appreciate him as a person - I know I certainly do not. But you have to appreciate his all-time greatness at golf.

One final Masters thought: Do you think Jim Nantz gets paid to say "A tradition unlike any other. The Masters. On CBS." over and over and over and over again? He must, because he tries to fit it into every sentence he possibly can. "Phil Mickelson with a birdie on 16. And we'll be right back, at this Tradition unlike any other. The Masters. On CBS." "Tiger Woods is obviously undressing that girl in the gallery with his eyes, at this Tradition unlike any other. The Masters. On CBS."

My new favorite team, the Red Bulls, finally lost their first game of the season on Saturday, 2-0 to Chivas USA. Sadly, Chivas had yet to score a goal the entire season up until this point, so that's bad, but hopefully not a harbinger of things to come. I'm finally starting to learn some of the players names, and because of that and his play, I've come to the following conclusion: Dane Richards SUCKS. He needs to be replaced, ASAP. He's fast, but he turns the ball over constantly, doesn't play too much defense, and his crosses into the box are about as good as an infant's. I'd like to see more of (enter replacement name here) on the right flank.

Yesterday they blew up that shithole Texas Stadium, formerly the home of the Dallas Cowgirls. AWESOME.



I prefer to title this video, "What Happens When Tony Homo Lines Up Under Center With the Game on the Line." It's the perfect metaphor! And I think Dallas fans would agree.

Saturday was a fun day for Yankee fans, as CC Sabathia came thisclose to a no-hitter, getting as far as 2 outs in the 8th inning against Tampa Bay. It's funny how when you're watching a pitcher in the midst of a no-hitter, everyone gets really superstitious so as not to jinx him. All of my friends completely stopped texting me (either that or they actually don't like me), we stopped moving seats, no one got up to go to the bathroom... it's a bit ridiculous, but anything to help the cause right? Ultimately, what helped the cause was A-Rod and Mark Teixeira making outstanding defensive plays, but sadly it was not to be, as Kelly Shoppach eventually broke it up with a clean single. Oh well, we tried our best CC.

I really though Old Spice couldn't top itself with it's ridiculously incredible commercial about the guy having girls "look at your boyfriend, now look at me, now look at your boyfriend, now back to me." But they have. Behold the excellence.



In a word, that commercial is: AWESOME. It's the New Jersey of commercials.

Saturday evening was an interesting evening filled with various shenanigans and new experiences. I'll begin with our trip home on the PATH back from NYC: As we were running down to the platform at the World Trade Center PATH Station, we separated a bit and ended up getting on different PATH cars. So a few of us were standing there waiting for the train to leave when all of a sudden Daddy ran onto our train and said, "You guys gotta come to our car! There are ZOMBIES AND VAMPIRES!!!" Naturally we went, and upon arriving in that car, we were horrified to find out that there legitimately were zombies and vampires there. These weren't Halloween funny HA HA freaks either, they were legit. And they were angry, especially about being called Zombies. "WE'RE NOT FUCKING ZOMBIES. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!" Things were getting tense. Then one of them attacked Daddy and tried to eat him, but he managed to squirm away to safety. A few blurry photos of the carnage:





It was scary, trust me. So to get away, we made the mistake of heading to another incredibly frightening place: Hollywood Fried Chicken in the JC. Let's just say the allure of delicious fried chicken will never be enough to get me to go back there, for reasons I most likely shouldn't go into in this most public of forums. That and the complete lack of bacon they serve there. A-1, I apologize for treating you like Tiger Woods treats his wife, if only for one night. It'll never happen again.

And finally, the reason for the title of this week's Brain Fart: the New York Rangers, and the heartbreak they have caused me. I can assure you that I will be going into much greater depth about this team's problems at a later date, but I can't now because I'll just get even more angry than I already am. I'll only say this: I knew I was set up for heartbreak, and I let them do it to me anyway. After Friday's win over Philly set up the do-or-die matchup with the Flyers again on Sunday, I knew deep down that they were only setting us Ranger fans up for disappointment. They always do. But because we're fans, we tend to believe in our team even though we know only bad things happen when we do so. Of course, bad things happened. And just like that, the season is over. Hockey moves into the playoffs without us, and we're left to pick up the pieces of our dreams all the while knowing that the shitty and terrible management team that runs the Rangers couldn't care less about us. The owner and the management of the New York Rangers don't deserve fans like us. Will this make us go away then? Nope. But I've never felt worse about the fact that I can't explain why we'll never leave than I do now.

Ugh. Another week of work. Also, there will be no Brain Fart next week as I will be on a cruise in the Bahamas, and entertaining you people will be the furthest thing from my mind. Not that I don't love you all dearly, of course.

Hey Mets Fans!

Yeah! All 34 of you! Listen up!

It looks like David Wright is going to have a HUGE year this year. Check it out:



Sadly though, that video will be the high point for the Mets this year. Mets fans, stop talking yourselves into Oliver Perez. It's unhealthy.

And yes, I am entirely too excited for season 2 of Jersey Shore.

A woman named Mary once looked at Jack Bauer. 9 months later Jesus Christ popped out.

Good day sirs and ma'ams. Last night was an epic night of television due to a shocking 2 hours of 24 and one of the best basketball national championship games you will ever see. I needed pills to sleep last night. But enough of my puffery, onto the 24 review, complete with my handy numbered character guide, which I think I will default to every week now from here on out.



1) Arlo Glass - Was sooooo close to figuring out BITCH while they were in the networking room, but then again, he was sooooo close to being killed by the queen of chokin' fools too. Thank God Chloe called him and saved his life. Also, he made a funny funny about staring at BITCH's tatters, though I'd like to think he always looked at them because her face is so busted.

2) BITCH - Finally was outed as the terrorist within CTU. Probably should have happened sooner if anyone had bothered to notice the sinister look that is plastered on her face 24/7. I was SO excited when they found out she was evil, but that resulted in her getting the chance to show off her skills with the 9 mill on the poor front desk security guards. I really wanted Cole to rip her face off and shove a grenade down her throat, but alas, she was the only person with the information CTU needed, so of course she was given immunity like every bad person in this show, though at least this time it was conditional upon Hassan's survival.



3) Brian Hastings - Even though it looked like he was maybe catching on to the BITCH in recent episodes, he apparently was not, seeing as he had no problem letting her onto his computer. Did the right thing by giving Cole his gun back and letting him back in the field towards the end. Hastings from the beginning of the season wouldn't have done that, but since the ghost of Bill Buchanan has infiltrated him, he's making smarter decisions now. We still miss you Bill. RIP my friend.

4) Chloe O'Brian - Performed her usual good work on the keyboard but also showed her skill on the clipboard by quickly identifying the cell phone that called Tarin from CTU as the BITCH's. Continues to be the blood that circulates in the veins of CTU.

5) Cole Ortiz - Was genuinely flabbergasted by the revelation that BITCH was a terrorist. Seriously Cole? I thought you were better than that. Luckily is eye is better through a rifle scope than it is really getting to know the women he plans to marry. I suggest you get better at the second one, sir.

6) Renee Walker - I'm thinking of taking her name when we get married. Mr. Steven Walker. Has a nice ring to it right? Renee continues to be a force for good, the ying to Jack's yang. Did a great job identifying the blonde wig on the terrorist's floor and capping her ass before the terrorist was able to inflict some damage. Those are the kind of instincts I love to see, wifee.

7) Jack Bauer - Simply the greatest man who ever lived, and every week he sets the bar of greatness even higher than we ever thought possible. He sees through every plot, finds out every secret, instinctfully identifies all trouble... he's just a marvel. I would go on but words really can't describe how awesome he is. He's the New Jersey of men.

8) Omar Hassan - Intentionally gives himself up to the terrorists so that they wouldn't kill tens of thousands of Americans. Bravo, Omar. He also stands up for his morals by declining to "apologize" to the world for his "sins" even though he was being tortured. Unfortunately this leads to him eating the big eat and having his throated cut. Part of me is happy about this because now that means that BITCH isn't getting immunity, so hopefully Cole will have a chance to break into her holding cell and tear her to pieces. I also have mixed feelings about his silent countdown. I think that should only be reserved for series mainstays, characters that we've fallen in love with. On the other hand, he was an important character, so maybe he deserved it.



9) Allison Taylor - Was alerted to the betrayal perpetrated by General Bruckner and Rob Weiss by Jack Bauer and took appropriate action. She also did a lot of damage-control in this episode with Hassan's family. Kudos to President Taylor as well for recognizing the greatness that is Renee Walker and commending her on her excellent work. Apparently she demands a lot out of her cabinet, however, as I thought it was a bit much to ask Ethan Kanin to play hurt just hours after he went into cardiac arrest and was deprived of medical care by Bruckner and Weiss. Let's ease off the gas a bit there, eh Allison?

10) Rob Weiss - Disobeyed the orders of his President, but most importantly, screwed with a mission that Jack Bauer himself was leading. Biiiiiig mistake there buddy. The death penalty isn't going to be the worst thing that happens to you in the coming months.

Other random thoughts on Monday night's extravaganza:

- Figures that someone driving a Honda Insight would get in the way of Jack chasing Tarin in the parking garage. FREAKIN' HIPPIES, DEMS, AND LIBS. Always messing around with justice. (ANGRY FACE) Of course, it turned out that this particular hippie somehow was able to use the transporter from Star Trek to get Hassan out of the SUV and into her trunk. Tricky bastards!

- I thought the terrorists gave up the nuclear bomb really easily. They got Hassan. They gave up the bomb. It was that simple, when usually it never is. You have to applaud them I suppose for having their eyes on the prize. There was no time for such tomfoolery as killing Americans. Get the IRK President. Kill the IRK President. Mission accomplished.

- I am SO EXCITED for Charles Logan, better known as Eat Logan, to return to 24. Yes, he was a villian in past seasons, but who cares?!?! It turned out he was just a pawn in a larger scheme perpetrated by Coach Yost anyway. Any guy who can return from being stabbed in the neck by his ex-wife is good in my book. hiuppewwoighwpoeigvnlkDVNPOHEqwgopnWEWL;JKNV[piojo vWPOIUEVNBJewoijewgegpj 24[oinwrl;kjn!@!!!!! Wow, look at that. I jammed my fists down on the keyboard and still typed 24 out in there. This show is truly amazing and life-changing.

MMBF - 4/5: Just When I Thought Philly Couldn't Be Any Stupider...

Greetings on this lovely Monday afternoon here in Nueva Jersey. My apologies for the the forced usage of the word "afternoon" in my previous sentence, but I have been ridiculously busy today. In fact, it may not even be afternoon anymore by time this is done. Also, I would like to wish a Happy Easter Yesterday to my fellow gentiles. On to the bullhonkey!

It was a weekend of glorious baseball movie action for me, as I had the pleasure of stumbling upon two of the all-time classics while flipping channels Friday and Saturday: Bull Durham and The Sandlot. I'm fairly confident there is nothing I could say that appropriately conveys the majesty and greatness that both of these movies are, so I won't bother wasting your time. Bull Durham is arguably the best sports movie ever made, while The Sandlot would make many people's top 10 list for all-time great baseball movies. I would assume you've already seen both of them, but do yourself a favor and watch them again. If you haven't seen them, however, please do all of us a favor and disappear forever. Clearly your life has ceased to be meaningful.

Saturday I was able to watch the next installment of ESPN's 30 for 30 documentary series, Guru of Go, which is the story of Loyola Marymount head coach Paul Westhead and the death of his star player, Hank Gathers. See it as soon as you can. It was very well done, and very emotional. I may or may not regret admitting this, but the last time I cried was when I was dragged to the theaters to see Marley & Me. I knew the whole time that the damn dog was going to die and STILL I bawled my face off when it happened. Anyway, that same feeling came over me during 2 scenes of this documentary: When Gathers actually collapsed on the court and died, and when Bo Kimble hit the left-handed free throw in honor of his fallen friend. Really sad stuff. I was definitely welling-up, though the fireworks that that stupid golden retriever caused never arrived thankfully. The doc also showed the ugly side of humanity, when it went into how some greedy attorney decided he could make a few bucks and a name for himself by convincing the Gathers family to sue LMU for causing Hank's death. The family apparently regrets that action to this day, but I could imagine it would be easy to be swept up in the need for consolation in whatever form (in this case money) when you're grieving the loss of a family member.

The Rangers continued their never-ending quest to raise our hopes before crushing them with back to back wins on Friday and Saturday, 5-0 over the Lightning and 4-1 over the Panthers, respectively. These 2 wins put them only 2 points behind Filthadelphia for the final playoff spot, but the Rangers effectively control their own destiny because we play Philly twice to end the season. The Rangers played really well for most of the 2 games, which makes it even more frustrating because you can see how good this team can be, but you know that they'll inevitably have a letdown and either miss the playoffs or make them as the 8th seed, go up 2-0 against the Capitals, then lose 4 in a row to be eliminated to end the season. The emotional distress they cause me is unbearable, and I think the only cure is to have Glen Sather fired and for the new GM to get rid of half the team. But seeing as that won't happen, it looks like they'll continue to take years off of my life for the foreseeable future. Poop.

Just thought you'd all like to know that my new favorite team, the New York Red Bulls, are 2-0 after their big win over Seattle on Saturday night! It was huge for 2 reasons: 1) They hadn't won an away game in 29 games, and 2) Seattle is really awesome. I don't really know any of their names yet, but the goalie is awesome, the center midfielder who scored against Chicago in the opener (Joel something?) is awesome, and our rookie centerback is awesome. However, our right midfielder is not so awesome and he needs to be replaced. Soon enough I will learn their names and give them the proper amount of praise/hatred. But in the meantime, we're 2-0 baby!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Final Four discussion: Butler rules, Duke sucks. In a battle of white guys for the national championship tonight, I am wholeheartedly pulling for Butler, because Duke's white guys are so annoying, they make me want to scoop out my eyeballs with a spork. Also, Gordon Hayward looks like he is 13 but is awesome, and I feel really bad for Da'Sean Butler. Now onto CBS: ENOUGH WITH THE RIDICULOUS CAMERA ANGLES. Why isn't it good enough that we watch basketball with the same camera angle that we've always watched it in? Now they have a stupid camera angle from the opposing hoop, as well as a camera that floats above the players and moves with the action. STOP IT, CBS. ALL OF THOSE ANGLES SUCK. No wonder why you're going to lose the tournament to ESPN. Also, Jim Nantz needs to make sure that Clark Kellogg keeps it in his pants during the broadcast. I know he has a man crush on Duke, like every television executive does, but when he starts making up basketball terms like "banana cuts," "shots below the waste," and "spraying the defense" to describe Duke's play, he's making it a bit obvious that he has a hard-on for Coach K. Those terms don't exist Clark. Just come out already and tell us how much you want a gang bang with Brian Zoubek, Nolan Smith, and Kyle Singler.

It was an inauspicious beginning to the season for the Yankees bullpen last night, which in turn led to an inauspicious beginning to the season for the Yankees team. It started off so well, with Curtis Granderson and Jorge Posada going BACK TO BACK AND BELLY TO BELLY, along with CC Sabathia pitching fairly well. It all unraveled so quickly, however, as Joe Girardi left CC in there even though he was obviously losing it, which lead to the Sawcks getting back in the game. When Joe finally did replace CC with David Robertson and Robertson, who was throwing the ball really well, got out of the inning, he of course decided to over-manage his bullpen like he always does and bring in Chan Ho Park instead of leaving Robertson in. Big mistake. Park got lit up. When Jorge finally let up a pass ball to bring in the Sawcks go ahead run, the pain became too much to bare. That and the absurd time it takes for a Yanks-Sawcks game to finish, of course. I swear those 2 teams can't finish a game in under 4 hours. Bad way to start the season for the Yanks, but luckily there are 161 more games for them to make up for it.

And finally, just when you thought Philly couldn't be any stupider, they go and trade Donovan McNabb... to the WASHINGTON REDSKINS. IDIOTS. I was all excited about the Eagles parting ways with a quarterback who always kills us, especially because he was rumored to go to the Raiders, Bills, Rams, etc. But in a move that proves just how much of a dumbass Andy Reid is, he considered Donovan's feelings, and dealt him to a team that he actually wanted to go to, a team that just so happens to be in THEIR OWN DIVISION. Now he will haunt the Eagles twice a year, while continuing to haunt my Giants twice a year. Un-freakin-believable. The stupidity of the citizens of Filthadelphia continues to amaze me.



Hi Alicia.

Ugh. Another week of work. But to tide you over throughout this week, let me introduce you to the greatest website EVER created:

Michael Buble Being Stalked By A Velociraptor

2010 MLB Preview!

Sweet Jesus, baseball is back! This Sunday, Easter Sunday, the 2010 season opens with a night game between the defending World Champion New York Yankees and those shit stains from the north, the Bawston Red Sawcks. The quest for championship number 28 begins for the Yanks, and the quest to keep the title as the most obnoxious fans outside of Filthadelphia continues for The Nation. Let's go!

Since baseball is not only our nation's pastime but my favorite sport, I am compelled to throw together a little season preview. I know that most of you do not care about what I think of sports, as evidenced by the fact that my 2 most popular articles have to do with Megan Hauserman and Jersey Shore, but I'm going to do this anyway, so humor me. Below, I'll tell you how each division is going to finish, followed by my insightful and occasionally witty commentary. The asterisk will denote which team I think will win the Wild Card in each league.

AL EAST

New York Yankees
*Tampa Bay Rays
Bawston Red Sawcks
Baltimore Orioles
Toronto Blue Jays

Looks like injuries could be the only thing that stops the Yankees from winning another division title, while the Rays will be close behind them, winning the Wild Card in the process. The Rays have more talent than the Sawcks, whose big offseason acquisitions were a 31 year old pitcher who Anaheim fans were never sad to see go, a 34 year old shortstop with a .265 career average, a 37 year old centerfielder, and a third baseman who has a penchant for only performing in contract years. Does that sound promising to you, Nation?

AL CENTRAL

Chicago White Sox
Minnesota Twins
Detroit Tigers
Kansas City Royals
Cleveland Indians

Everything I'm reading in the build-up to this season says that Jake Peavy is healthy and ready to dominate this year, which is why I'm putting the White Sox in the driver's seat. Obviously, this means they'll probably finish in last place. Sorry Chicago!

AL WEST

Seattle Mariners
Texas Rangers
Anaheim Angels
Oakland Athletics

For once, God will curry favor upon the Pacific Northwest, who after a year where they had their NBA team stolen and had to watch Kevin Durant flourish into a potential top 20 NBA player of all time in a different city, and then had to suffer with a pathetic Seahawks team, the Mariners will bring some joy back to their depressing lives by winning the division. They won't score much, but they play the best defense and have the best 1-2 starting pitcher tandem in baseball. And no, the Angels are not from Los Angeles, despite what Arte Moreno will have you believe.

NL EAST

Filthadelphia Phillies
*Atlanta Braves
Florida Marlins
New York Mets
Washington Nationals

The Phillies probably have the most talent in the league, which means they'll most likely win the division. Pardon me while I drive hot needles into my eyes.... Thank you. Anyway, the Braves have the best prospect in baseball, Jason Heyward, starting in right field, a deep pitching staff, the best catcher in the majors not named Joe Mauer, and the will to send Bobby Cox out the right way. Smells like the playoffs to me. The Mets, on the other hand, have Johan Santana and then a pu pu platter of pitchers behind him in the rotation. They suck.

NL CENTRAL

St. Louis Cardinals
Milwaukee Brewers
Chicago Cubs
Cincinnati Reds
Houston Astros
Pittsburgh Pirates

It's hard to pick against the Cardinals when they have the division's best pitching 1-2 in Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright, as well as the best player in the game, Albert Pujols. The rest of their hitters should be vastly "improved" as well due to the "teaching methods" of new hitting coach Mark McGwire. I wouldn't be surprised if the Brewers won this division though. They'll hit the crap out of the ball, and if the staff can be effective behind Yovani Gallardo, they should contend. Meanwhile in Chicago, Cubs fans will continue to contemplate suicide for the 102nd year in a row.

NL WEST

Colorado Rockies
San Francisco Giants
Los Angeles Dodgers
Arizona Diamondbacks
San Diego Padres

The Rockies have a lot of young power and speed, and seemingly a good pitching staff, headed by Ubaldo Jimenez. The end of the bullpen is a bit of a question, but I don't think the Giants will be able to hit enough to keep up with them. The Dodgers will contend as well, but when you're leaning on Vicente Padilla to be a valuable member of your pitching staff... well...... oh boy. Expect Adrian Gonzalez to be shipped out of San Diego at some point this season.

PLAYOFFS - DIVISION SERIES

Yankees over White Sox
Mariners over Rays

Phillies over Rockies
Braves over Cardinals

CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

Yankees over Mariners
Braves over Phillies

WORLD SERIES

Braves over Yankees

Bobby Cox would deserve nothing more than to go out with a World Series title in his last year as a manager before he retires, and I think the Braves do it for him. Not only would this be the Braves first World Series title since 1995, but it would also be the first time they've sold out a playoff game since then as well. Get ready to hear the Tomahawk Chop 8,546,322 times during the end of the season and the playoffs!