Greetings on this terribly depressing and somber Monday morning. I'll get to why I'm so sad later, but thank God I live in New Jersey. The mere thought of that picks my spirits right up, as it should yours if you also happen to find yourself in a lugubrious state of mind. On to my musings from my sports-centric weekend.Due to previous work obligations, I was unable to watch the final round of the Masters on Sunday when my boy Phil Mickelson took over and won the green jacket. LEFTY POWER MOTHER (BEEEEEP)ERS. Anyway, I did get to watch some on Saturday, when obviously most of the coverage centered around Tiger Hoods and his return to golf. Well, it nice to see that some things never change, because after his tee shot on one of the holes, he proceeded to yell, "TIGER WOODS! YOU SSSSSSSSSSSSSUCK! GODDAMMIT!" I particularly enjoyed the drawn out ssssssssuck, but I also enjoyed that he hasn't changed his ways just because other people say he needs to behave better on the golf course. Who cares if he throws a tantrum every once in a while? I know I would if I drove the ball as badly as he does sometimes. Did people stay away from seeing Happy Gilmore because Happy threw a tantrum on the course? Absolutely not. Don't sweat the haters, Tiger.
Now concerning el Tigre's other, more public indiscretions and the ramifications they've had on his personal and professional life, as a sports fan I say, who cares? Yes, he is a douchebag. And yes, he has treated his wife and family about as good as I treat my fist when the Giants lose. But we're seeing perhaps the greatest golfer to ever live. Just like we'll tell our grandkids about seeing Michael Jordan play basketball, we'll tell them about seeing Tiger Woods play golf. And as a sports fan, that is a pretty amazing thing to say. Granted, my grandchildren will then respond with, "But grandpa, didn't he have a penchant for banging porn stars and other unsavory women behind his wife's back?" (my grandkids will have an advanced vocabulary). And I will answer, "Yes, but you should have seen the things he could do on a golf course." You may not appreciate him as a person - I know I certainly do not. But you have to appreciate his all-time greatness at golf.
One final Masters thought: Do you think Jim Nantz gets paid to say "A tradition unlike any other. The Masters. On CBS." over and over and over and over again? He must, because he tries to fit it into every sentence he possibly can. "Phil Mickelson with a birdie on 16. And we'll be right back, at this Tradition unlike any other. The Masters. On CBS." "Tiger Woods is obviously undressing that girl in the gallery with his eyes, at this Tradition unlike any other. The Masters. On CBS."
My new favorite team, the Red Bulls, finally lost their first game of the season on Saturday, 2-0 to Chivas USA. Sadly, Chivas had yet to score a goal the entire season up until this point, so that's bad, but hopefully not a harbinger of things to come. I'm finally starting to learn some of the players names, and because of that and his play, I've come to the following conclusion: Dane Richards SUCKS. He needs to be replaced, ASAP. He's fast, but he turns the ball over constantly, doesn't play too much defense, and his crosses into the box are about as good as an infant's. I'd like to see more of (enter replacement name here) on the right flank.
Yesterday they blew up that shithole Texas Stadium, formerly the home of the Dallas Cowgirls. AWESOME.
I prefer to title this video, "What Happens When Tony Homo Lines Up Under Center With the Game on the Line." It's the perfect metaphor! And I think Dallas fans would agree.
Saturday was a fun day for Yankee fans, as CC Sabathia came thisclose to a no-hitter, getting as far as 2 outs in the 8th inning against Tampa Bay. It's funny how when you're watching a pitcher in the midst of a no-hitter, everyone gets really superstitious so as not to jinx him. All of my friends completely stopped texting me (either that or they actually don't like me), we stopped moving seats, no one got up to go to the bathroom... it's a bit ridiculous, but anything to help the cause right? Ultimately, what helped the cause was A-Rod and Mark Teixeira making outstanding defensive plays, but sadly it was not to be, as Kelly Shoppach eventually broke it up with a clean single. Oh well, we tried our best CC.
I really though Old Spice couldn't top itself with it's ridiculously incredible commercial about the guy having girls "look at your boyfriend, now look at me, now look at your boyfriend, now back to me." But they have. Behold the excellence.
In a word, that commercial is: AWESOME. It's the New Jersey of commercials.
Saturday evening was an interesting evening filled with various shenanigans and new experiences. I'll begin with our trip home on the PATH back from NYC: As we were running down to the platform at the World Trade Center PATH Station, we separated a bit and ended up getting on different PATH cars. So a few of us were standing there waiting for the train to leave when all of a sudden Daddy ran onto our train and said, "You guys gotta come to our car! There are ZOMBIES AND VAMPIRES!!!" Naturally we went, and upon arriving in that car, we were horrified to find out that there legitimately were zombies and vampires there. These weren't Halloween funny HA HA freaks either, they were legit. And they were angry, especially about being called Zombies. "WE'RE NOT FUCKING ZOMBIES. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!" Things were getting tense. Then one of them attacked Daddy and tried to eat him, but he managed to squirm away to safety. A few blurry photos of the carnage:
It was scary, trust me. So to get away, we made the mistake of heading to another incredibly frightening place: Hollywood Fried Chicken in the JC. Let's just say the allure of delicious fried chicken will never be enough to get me to go back there, for reasons I most likely shouldn't go into in this most public of forums. That and the complete lack of bacon they serve there. A-1, I apologize for treating you like Tiger Woods treats his wife, if only for one night. It'll never happen again.
And finally, the reason for the title of this week's Brain Fart: the New York Rangers, and the heartbreak they have caused me. I can assure you that I will be going into much greater depth about this team's problems at a later date, but I can't now because I'll just get even more angry than I already am. I'll only say this: I knew I was set up for heartbreak, and I let them do it to me anyway. After Friday's win over Philly set up the do-or-die matchup with the Flyers again on Sunday, I knew deep down that they were only setting us Ranger fans up for disappointment. They always do. But because we're fans, we tend to believe in our team even though we know only bad things happen when we do so. Of course, bad things happened. And just like that, the season is over. Hockey moves into the playoffs without us, and we're left to pick up the pieces of our dreams all the while knowing that the shitty and terrible management team that runs the Rangers couldn't care less about us. The owner and the management of the New York Rangers don't deserve fans like us. Will this make us go away then? Nope. But I've never felt worse about the fact that I can't explain why we'll never leave than I do now.
Ugh. Another week of work. Also, there will be no Brain Fart next week as I will be on a cruise in the Bahamas, and entertaining you people will be the furthest thing from my mind. Not that I don't love you all dearly, of course.
