2009 NFL Preview: NFC West

Arizona Cardinals
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
The Cardinals, perennially one of the worst franchises in the league, got into the playoffs last year based solely on the fact that they play in the NFC West, one of the weakest divisions in the NFL. This is when the magic ensued, however, and they made it all the way to the Super Bowl, where they eventually lost to the Steelers is a game that was not as good as the Super Bowl that preceded it. They were led by Kurt Warner, whose wife no longer has that man haircut, and the best wide receiver duo in the NFL in Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Those 3 return this year, but it doesn't mean they're going to be a better team. Warner is another year older, and if he gets hurt, their quarterback will be a guy who's known more for sniffing coke out of hooker's asses than being good at throwing the football to guys on his own team. Fitzgerald is on the cover of Madden this year, so you know that he's screwed. Boldin is still angry about his contract, not to mention he's been battling a hamstring injury this whole preseason, and the defense has a few standouts, such as Karlos Dansby and Adrian Wilson, but it is decidedly mediocre. All of this adds up to another 9-7 season, but another playoff berth because of the crappy division they're in.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie - His cousin Antonio is already on this team, so why not put him on the other side of the field? He's only 23 years old and has 96 speed and 97 acceleration, so you can progress him into one of the elite cornerbacks in the game in no time. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Jerheme Urban - I thought about putting Deuce Lutui here, because his first name is the same word as the very act of taking a crap (poop jokes are always funny, remember). But I just had to put Jerheme here, and it's not because of the ridiculous spelling of a common name such as Jeremy. It's because we were watching the Cardinals one day and he made a catch, and we just assumed his name was Karl Urban. No, not Keith, the country music superstar, but Karl, the B-List actor who has been in quite a few movies. Go Karl!



St. Louis Rams
Record Last Year: 2-14
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
I'd say things couldn't have gotten worse for the St. Louis Rams last year, but the Detroit Lions happened, so 2 wins really ain't that bad! The Rams just suffered from a severe lack of talent, as well as a severe lack of good coaching. They began the year with Scott Linehan at the reigns, but he was so bad that they replaced him with Jim Haslett, who bye now has proven to all of us that he should never be put in charge of an NFL team, hence why he is coaching in the new United Football League this year. As for the players, Marc Bulger was injured and ineffective, the defense was pretty bad, and they're best player, Steven Jackson, was either hurt or running behind a crappy offensive line, thereby ruining my fantasy team. But hark! The savior has arrived! Steve Spagnuolo, who turned the Giants defense into one of the NFL's best the past 2 years, is the new head coach, and with him comes an intensity for the game that Rams' fans haven't seen from their team in years. I think that intensity will result in a few more wins, and the defense and offensive line will certainly be better, but there still is a dearth of talent on this roster, so they're still a few years away from relevance.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Tye Hill - Though a failure in real life, Tye Hill can be a great asset for your Madden team. He's already 27 years old, but with his 97 speed, you can use him as your nickel cornerback and blitz him off the edge on every play. Trust me. I torture Rory with Hill alllll the time. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
C.J. Ah You - Not only is this a name you don't see every day, month, year, decade or century, but it's also a phrase useful in everyday life. Who was it who ate the last cookie out of the cookie jar? Ah, you! Who made this delightful roasted duck? Ah, you! Who needs this guy on his fantasy team because of his versatile name? Ah, you!



Seattle Seahawks
Record Last Year: 4-12
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
My dear friend Ian's beloved Seadogs had a pretty rough year last year. It was coach Mike Holmgren's final year, as he was retiring (for now) after a fairly successful career, so you would have thought that they would want to send off their coach in grand fashion. Well, the three players on the team who didn't get injured weren't able to do so. Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck had a bad back (that's a lot of backs in one sentence) and rarely played. Julius Jones was their best running back (enough said), and so many of their wide receivers got hurt that their starters were guys named Jordan Kent and Logan Payne, and even they got hurt too. Then on top of all of that, their normally stout defense turned into a light lager. Get it?! Stout?! Lager?! HAHAHAHAHA I AM HILARIOUS! Anyway, things have the possibility of turning around this year. Matt Hasselbeck is healthy again, but that status is always tenuous. They also signed TJ Houshmandzadeh at wide receiver, a position that's also getting Nate Burleson and Deion Branch back. If the defense remembers how to actually stop anyone, they could give Arizona a run for their money in this division, but if they don't, it could be another long year in the Pacific Northwest.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Aaron Curry - The young stud outside linebacker from Wake Forest isn't a good pass rusher in real life, but you can certainly get to the quarterback with him in Madden. With 86 speed and 90 acceleration, just line him up outside your defensive end and watch the opposing quarterback beg for mercy. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Lofa Tatupu - The Seahawks starting middle linebacker is a great player, but that's not why Scotty would want him on his team. He wants him because his name is great fun to say! Lofa! Tatoooopooooo! Say it with me!



San Francisco 49ers
Record Last Year: 7-9
Record This Year: 3-13

Team Overview:
The 49ers were another team from this division who fired their coach partway through last season, when Mike Nolan was shown the door and replaced by NFL and staring-contest legend Mike Singletary. Singletary marked his debut at coach by dressing-down (in the non-sexual way) tight end Vernon Davis on the sideline after he had dogged it on the field. He actually sent him to the locker room, depriving the 49ers of his services for the rest of the game. Actually, on second thought, that may be a good thing as Davis sucks. Then Singletary proceeded to moon his team during a halftime speech, which I think is funny, but the NFL frowned upon. Oh yeah, they played football too, which wasn't really that good either. And it's going to get worse this year, as you can see from my prediction for their record. They're starting quarterback is Shaun Hill, who is a backup at-best on most other teams in this league, and their number 1 pick, Michael Crabtree, apparently thinks he is above the system and wants to get paid as a top 5 pick even though he was picked at 10. Idiot. They also have a built-in curse on their team in linebacker Takeo Spikes, who has NEVER made the playoffs in his 12 years in the NFL. Patrick Willis looks like a future Hall-of-Famer at linebacker, and Frank Gore is a really good running back if he stays healthy, but that's about it for this team. Another dreary season by the bay is on tap.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Patrick Willis - Like I said above, Willis so good at such a young age that he looks like a future Hall-of-Famer. He's only 24 years old and is already a 98 overall. He has 90 speed and 96 acceleration, which is ridiculous for a linebacker. You should get about 70-80 sacks a season with him. Also, he's so fast you can easily block punts with him. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Bear Pascoe - Slim-pickins on this team for guys with funny names, so we'll go with old Bear here for Scotty's team. Saying the name makes me think of an uber-redneck white dude who loves hunting, deer jerky, Busch beer, and NASCAR. Well low and behold, he is white. As for all that other stuff I said, who knows. But a guy can dream right?

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 8/31

Tonight we watched one of the great movies of my time here on this earth, Terminator 2: Judgement Day. What a classic. Not only because of the story, and how it was one of the first CG-intensive movies made in Hollywood, but because of the sheer amount of classic lines delivered by everyone's favorite governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. The lines by themselves, such as "I swear I will not kill anybody" and "He'll live" don't look terribly exciting on paper, but when you combine his impeccable delivery with that famous accent and the circumstances surrounding the lines in the movie, you get all-time great dialogue. I could watch this movie everyday and it would never get old. "Hasta la vista... baby."

My friend Rick (last name deleted) had his annual barbecue out at his mom's crib on Long Island, or Strong Island, as the frat-boy guido locals are apt to call it. We were expecting the worst on the drive out there because all weathermen and weatherwomen were making a big deal about how Hurricane Danny was going to put Long Island under water, kill all of the animals and plant-life, and force humans to evolve into aquatic creatures. This actually turned out to be a good thing, because no one from the city drove out to go to the beach, so as a result there was no traffic going out. It also turned out that Hurricane Danny was no more than Light Sprinkle Danny, as we only encountered a few minutes of mist on the way out. It was a truly delightful ride. As for the party itself, it was a hoot, as usual. Lots of food and adult beverages consumed at a rapid pace, which is always enjoyable. Even though the pool was freezing because it was filled with rain water from the storm the previous night, we played pool pong on a neat floating table, which I highly recommend you do if given the chance. There also isn't anything quite like watching Grillmaster Rick (last name deleted) man the grill with his "Ithaca is Gorges" apron and barbecue tool belt. It's like watching Picasso paint or Emeril cook. Artistry at work.

Saturday night, in addition to it being Rick (last name deleted)'s party, it was the annual Giants-Jets preseason matchup for bragging rights on whose 3rd stringers are better. I obviously didn't get a chance to watch because we were enjoying the festivities, but from what I have heard and read, the Giants still have some work to do, particularly at the wide receiver position, which has been the biggest question mark this whole offseason. Steve Smith dropped a perfectly thrown deep ball from Eli Manning that would have been a 90 yard touchdown pass, and the other receivers had some bad drops as well. Rookie first-round pick Hakeem Nicks was the only one who actually showed up, with 6 catches for 144 yards and 2 touchdowns, which is fantastic news. Our defense also didn't play so great, letting the Jets new Latin Lover Quarterback, Mark Sanchez, tear them up and play really well. Overall, it seemed that it was a better effort from the G-Men than the last game against Chicago, but there is still a lot to be done before our season opener.

When we drove back from Long Island to Jersey City this morning, I was expecting the ride to be fairly uneventful because no one had gone out to the beach on Saturday, so there should have been no one returning to the city or Jersey on Sunday. Boy was I wrong. There was a ton of traffic on the LIE around Flushing Meadows in Queens because of the US Open, but the absolute worst was getting into the Holland Tunnel in Manhattan. Talk about a clusterfuck. 20 different streets in the city cram all the way down to 2 lanes heading into the tunnel, which leads to many different times where you are sitting at a red light, it turns green, and then turns back to red without you moving even an inch. It is absolutely, completely miserable, made even moreso because we were all hungover from the party. I don't think I could ever commute into and out of the city by car on an everyday basis. This one trip flooded my brain with thoughts of homicide - I can't imagine having to do it everyday.

I had my fantasy football draft today for the league I run that involves a little cashmoney wager. Fantasy drafts are fun, especially when half the league is drafting with you in your living room and we order a ton of wings and pizza. I drafted 6th in a 10-team league, and here is what I ended up with:

QB: Matt Schaub, Carson Palmer
RB: DeAngelo Williams, Ryan Grant, Pierre Thomas, Marshawn Lynch, Leon Washington
WR: Reggie Wayne, Hines Ward, Kevin Walter, Earl Bennett
TE: Antonio Gates, John Carlson
K: Mason Crosby
DEF: San Diego

I have to say I'm pretty happy with my draft. I actually had Matt Schaub autopicked for me because my computer froze just as it was going to be my turn, which was frustrating, but it could be a good pick if he stays healthy. Getting Marshawn Lynch fairly late in the draft was awesome since he's a first-round back that has been dropping since he'll be suspended for the first 3 games of the year because of gun charges. At least he didn't shoot himself in the thigh! Pierre Thomas could be good too because Reggie Bush is soft. Earl Bennett is my sleeper pick this year who I absolutely had to have, because I think he's going to be awesome with Jay Cutler as the QB in Chicago since they played together in college. He could be huge for me. Antonio Gates is consistent production at the tight end position, which is great to have. And hopefully A Whale's Vagina's defense turns it around this year and gets back to being dominant.

I'm watching the Broncos-Bears game tonight, which is of course Jay Cutler's first game back in Denver after he spent the offseason crying his way out of town. The reception he received was certainly not surprising. If I was a Denver fan I know I would boo the shit out of him. The Sunday night game is of course called by Al Michaels, who is paired with Cris Collinsworth this year after John Madden retired. Michaels must be doing cartwheels since now he has the best color analyst in the game in Collinsworth next to him, as opposed to a guy who draws penises all over the field and gives insight along the lines of, "Whichever team scores the most points will win the game." Nothing against John Madden, but he had begun to slip in recent years. That being said, I always enjoyed listening to him, and despite his shortcomings, he was one of the best. I'll miss him, but it'll be great to listen to Collinsworth every week, who is always interesting and tells you a lot of things about the game that you wouldn't normally notice.

I'm tired. My apologies for a lackluster Brain Fart.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Philadelphia fans are classy!

In yet another demonstration of how classy and respectable Philadelphia fans are, this mural was found recently on the side of a Tires "R" Us on Allegheny Ave. in Philly:



At least the dog has a Cowboys jersey on! Now a wider view of this work of art:



Da Vinci would be so jealous. Notice how they spell the name of the store wrong on the side of building facing us as well. Philadelphia fans - smart AND sophisticated!

2009 NFL Preview: AFC East

New England Patriots
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
As much as it kills me to predict any success whatsoever to any team from the Nation, it's hard to find a reason why the Patriots won't win the AFC East this year. Last year began ominously when Bernard Pollard of the Chiefs did us all a favor and took out Tom Bundchen's knees, which resulted in him being out for the whole year. In stepped Matt Cassel, who hadn't started a football game since pee wee or something, and he promptly lead them to an 11-5 record. But... they missed the playoffs! HAHAHAHAHA! And all that after they lost the greatest Super Bowl ever! MWHAHAHAHA!!! Hold on, thinking of Super Bowl XLII gets me all moist... ok, I'm good now. Anyway, Bundchen is back this year to throw for 8,000 yards to Randy Moss and Wes Welker, and the defense has its most important players back and will be very good. And of course, they have everyone's favorite curmudgeon at head coach, Bill Belichick. He may look and dress like a homeless man, and the coaches who have learned under him all seem to become shitty head coaches, but even I'll admit he's a helluva coach. Things should be back to normal in the Nation this year, at least as far as football goes. Hopefully the Sawx miss the playoffs though!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Jerod Mayo - Randy Moss is really fast, but is too old and therefore cannot be progressed at all. If you have him, trade him for high draft picks. But Mayo is only 23 and is already an 88 overall at middle linebacker. Give him 2 seasons of playing time and he'll be a 95+ overall. Also, he's an 85 speed and 92 acceleration, which is really good for a linebacker. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
BenJarvus Green-Ellis - I gave thought to the Rabbi Julian Edelman for Scotty's pick, but I decided a guy who has 4 names in just his first and last names is too great to pass up. And not only does he have 4 names, but his name contains the whole name of another player on the Patriots, Jarvis Green. A rare find, indeed, and someone you need on your fantasy team. I wonder what his middle name is. Hopefully it's something like LarryLaBrandon.



Buffalo Bills
Record Last Year: 7-9
Record This Year: 7-9

Team Overview:
Congratulations Buffalo! You're going to finish in second place this year! Unfortunately that second place finish will mean a 4th straight year of finishing 7-9 with no playoff appearance, which also means bye-bye Dick Jauron. The big story of the off-season of course was the signing of Terrell Owens after he was exiled from Dallas for being an idiot who drops too many passes. The city of Buffalo, and Toronto for that matter, are hoping that his playmaking skills can make the offense hit another gear and actually score points consistently this year. Unfortunately Owens will be the only guy drawing any attention from the opposing team's defense in the first 3 weeks because Marshawn Lynch is suspended for being one of the ugliest dudes in the league. Wait, it was for a gun charge? Oh, well at least he didn't shoot himself in the thigh. Anyway, the defense should be solid, especially since Paul Posluszny is back from his injuries that kept him out all of last year, and they have a young, speedy secondary. Buffalo is also one of the toughest places to go play during the winter months because the weather is so atrocious, so they're always able to steal some wins based on home-field advantage alone. Too bad it won't be enough wins to save the head coach's job.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Brian Moorman - A punter you say? YOU DAMN RIGHT. Not only is he a great punter, but he has a 90 speed rating. 90 speed for a punter?! Insane! You can run fake punts all day long with him and keep your opponent guessing. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Ataefiok Etukeren - Ummmm, what? I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce this name, other than to sound like a drunk, mildly retarded 5 year old, or a Philadelphia Eagles fan, whichever you prefer. This of course makes him perfect for Scotty's fantasy team!



New York Jets
Record Last Year: 9-7
Record This Year: 6-10

Team Overview:
Last year started so promisingly for the New York Football Jets. They opened their brand-new headquarters in Florham Park, NEW JERSEY, then they signed The Gunslinger, who lead them to an 8-3 start. Talk of the Jets going to the Super Bowl was running rampant on all New York sports talk radio. Jets fans were actually content to sit in their seats and watch football at GIANTS Stadium rather than go to Gate D and see boobies. Life was good. Then from there, it was all down hill. The Gunslinger got hurt and started throwing interceptions left and right, and the defense began to give up points in bunches. It was all too much for Jets fans to handle, so they went back to the boobies. But alas, there is hope. Eric Mangini was fired as head coach and was replaced by Rex Ryan, the defensive coordinator for the Baltimore Ravens. Then they drafted their quarterback of the future, Mark Sanchez (sorry Brett Ratliff). They also have one of the most dangerous weapons in the NFL in Leon Washington. Things are looking up! Sanchez will be the starter in his rookie year, so the Jets better hope their defense plays really well, which I believe it will. Maybe Vernon Gholston will even get more than 1 tackle this year! But as we all know, rookie quarterbacks struggle when thrown directly into the fire (Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco are the exception, not the rule), so this year could be rough for Sanchez and the Jets. The future here is bright, however.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Nick Mangold - Every Madden team needs a center to actually snap the ball to your quarterback, and Mangold is just the guy for the job. He's only 25 years old and is already a 94 overall, so in 2 years or less of franchise play he'll be a 99. Plus, his last name is the combination of MAN and GOLD. It's a combination that can't be beat. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Danny Woodhead - There are only so many Samoans you can have on your team, so I decided to rule out Sione Pouha and Ropati Pitoitua on this one. So I decided to go with Danny Wood.... head..... he he he, chuckle, chuckle, harumph, harumph, guffaw! Yeah I know I'm immature.



Miami Dolphins
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
Last year was one of happiness, sunflowers, puppies and frolicking in the fields for Dolphins fans. Coming off of a disheartening 1-15 season, the Dolphins fired everyone and hired Bill Parcells to run the organization, and Tony Soprano to coach the team. They then broke out the Wildcat formation on the NFL's asses and rode that, along with steady, turnover-free play from Chad Pennington and a very good defense to an 11-5 record and the AFC East title. Then in the draft, they picked quarterback Pat White out of West Virginia, solely because he is the perfect Wildcat quarterback. So you would think that things could only get better right? WRONG. I think the Wildcat is a gimmick offense that won't last in the NFL, and now that there is a ton of tape on it, defensive coordinators will have it figured out in no time, if they haven't figured it out already. Defenses in the NFL are too fast and athletic to continuously be fooled by fake hand-offs and option runs. And when the Wildcat doesn't work, they have the ridiculously weak-armed Pennington to throw the ball around. Smells like a dose of reality for Dolphins fans and a last place finish for the team.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Pat White - We all know that any successful Madden franchise begins with a fast, running quarterback, and they don't get much better in the game than Pat White. With 87 speed and 92 acceleration, you can run around with him all day and wait for someone to get open, scramble for long touchdown runs, or just run the Wildcat. Plus he doesn't rate well overall, so he won't count much against your cap. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Yeremiah Bell - The silent J is a common occurrence in the English language, especially when it comes to the names of people of Latin descent. It is rare, however, that a mom actually decides to phonetically spell out the silent J, which was apparently the case here when little Yeremiah emerged from the womb. Maybe his mom though he was going to be an idiot, so when he needed to spell his name he could just sound it out and be okay. Good strategy mama!

2009 NFL Preview: AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 13-3

Team Overview:
The defending Super Bowl champs are looking poised for a repeat this year, as long as Ben Roethlisberger remembers to wear his motorcycle helmet, of course. Every key player from the best defense in the NFL is back, most importantly reigning Defensive Player of the Year James Harrison. Harrison as you know declined to go to the White House to visit the President after they won the Super Bowl because, in his words, "The President would have invited the Cardinals if they had won," therefore disrespecting him. Really James? I hope you didn't hurt yourself coming up with that insight. Anyway, the offense took a big hit in the offseason with the loss of Nate Washington (number 85 in your playbooks, number 1 in your hearts), so they'll be hoping that fan-favorite Limas Sweed can step up and take his place. And of course by fan-favorite, I mean the only player on the Steelers Pittsburgh fans actually don't like. The same shitty offensive line is returning this year as well, so that could be a problem. They should overcome that though and win the division.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Troy Polamalu - He is a 99 overall, with 93 speed and 95 acceleration, which is phenomenal for a safety. The only problem is he's already 28 years old, which is a little old for Madden so you won't be able to make him too much better. That's ok though because he'll still be a 99 in 2 or 3 years, so you can trade him for a first round pick and some other considerations. He also has those beautiful, flowing locks that are essential to any team's chemistry. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Willie Colon - We all know that poop jokes are always funny, so this was an easy choice. One of the organs in the body that help create poop is of course the colon, which happens to be Willie's last name, obviously. Plus, Scotty needs an offensive line for his fantasy team, so Willie is an easy pick. POOP! POO-POO! POOPY!!



Baltimore Ravens
Record Last Year: 11-5
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
The Ravens were a disputed Santonio Holmes touchdown away from winning the division last year, so they'll be looking to un-seat the Steelers in 2009. Don't count on it! Pittsburgh is just a bit better than they are, though it is hard to find a flaw with this team. Joe Flacco, who is blessed with one of the great unibrows you will ever see in life, is in his second year as the starting quarterback, and should be better than last year. The ground game will be lead by the Pride of Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, Mr. Ray Rice. He's a short guy, but he packs quite the punch along with being able to hit the whole with blazing speed. But the fact that he went to college in New Jersey should tell you enough about how awesome he is. Derrick Mason ended his 14 minute retirement to give them a legit receiver, and the offensive line is solid. Their vaunted defense is of course lead by God's linebacker, the Good Reverend Ray Lewis, who may or may not have killed a man a few years back. But he loves God, so it's all good. Defensive coordinator Rex Ryan left to become the head coach with the New York Jets, which could turn out to be a big loss, but I anticipate them overcoming it.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Ed Reed - Like Troy Polamalu, Ed Reed is a 99 overall at safety, with 93 speed and 94 acceleration, which is great. But he's already 30 years old, so use him for one year, then trade him for a first round pick and other speedy players to build your team around. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Haruki Nakamura - Scotty always stocks his fantasy baseball teams with Japanese players because of their fun-to-say names, so the allure of a player of Japanese origin is just too great for him to pass up here. You won't find too many Asian players playing professional football either, so this pick also makes for a nice novelty item!



Cincinnati Bengals
Record Last Year: 4-11
Record This Year: 7-9

Team Overview:
Ever since the days of Boomer Esiason at quarterback ended, the Bengals have been an embarrassment of a franchise. They are run by a completely inept owner, Mike Brown, who also serves as their equally inept general manager. It's a method of team management that has proven over the years to be completely unsuccessful, but he continues on, unwilling to bite the bullet and hire someone as general manager who actually knows one or two things about football. But I digress. This team will only go as far as Carson Palmer goes, and even that may not be terribly far as he has been consistently injured over the last few years. Their first round pick, left tackle Andre Smith, is holding out of camp, probably because he thinks he needs more money so he can cover the cost of bras for those monstrous man boobs of his. They do still have the always fun-to-watch Chad Ochocinco at wide receiver, but that's really it in the way of talented players. The defense also isn't that good, so there isn't much hope for this team. So why did I pick them to improve over last year and win 7 games? Because they're featured on HBO's Hard Knocks of course and they are ridiculously entertaining to watch. Child please!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
No one - They don't have a single person of this team you would want for your Madden franchise. Not a single player is above an 89 overall, so you wouldn't be able to trade anyone for anything worthwhile. I suppose you could grab cornerback Johnathan Joseph because of his 95 speed, but as far as I'm concerned, that's too slow. He's a 5th cornerback at best on my team. Don't trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Frostee Rucker - I was going to go with Fui Vakapuna, because, let's be honest, who wouldn't want Fui Vakapuna on their fantasy team? But then I noticed that the Bengals have a player who is named after a delicious treat from Wendy's! Just looking at Frostee's name evokes the images of spooning chocolate heaven into your mouth while you throw down a classic double. A taste of heaven.



Cleveland Browns
Record Last Year: 4-12
Record This Year: 2-14

Team Overview:
The fans of Cleveland didn't think it could get much worse than last year, but guess what Cleveland?! It does get worse! And the number 1 reason this is the case is because they hired the "Mangenious" as their head coach. Stupid! I watched for three years as Mangini made bad decision after bad decision as coach of the Jets, driving my roommate Rory and our buddy Jeremiah to the brink of suicide. He is an awful coach. Enjoy the Mangini Era Cleveland! As for the players, their quarterback will either be a guy who has drank more Myoplex shakes than the amount of actual steps he has taken on a professional football field, or a guy who looks like Goofy. Their best wide receiver has a bad case of the dropsies, and their second best wide receiver drove drunk and killed a man this offseason. I'm looking over their roster right now, and it is not pretty. There are a handful of talented players, including the best kicker in the history of the game (who I'll discuss below), but there's only so far a great kicker can get you. This is ugly. I would hate myself and my life if I was a Cleveland Browns fan. I only wish they would have brought in Michael Vick, because the idea of Vick playing in front of the Dawg Pound is high comedy indeed.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Joe Thomas - The Browns first round pick from 2 years ago at left tackle is already a 97 overall at the age of 24. He is the perfect left tackle to build your offensive line around, and it'll be about 5 weeks into your first season before he'll be a 99 overall. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Phil Dawson - Every fantasy team needs a kicker, and this is the kicker you want. As I learned in old Madden franchises, Phil Dawson is the greatest kicker in history. Not just in the history of football though, but in the history of every sport that involves kicking a ball. He would be playing for Manchester United right now if he had taken up soccer, but instead, they've already made a bust for him at the Football Hall of Fame, because it is a guarantee he makes it. Just draft him and watch the points pile up.