Random Thoughts from Enemy Territory

Let me begin by offering my most sincere apologies to my 3 dedicated readers for not giving you the Brain Fart this week. I was away on business during the beginning of the week and was unable to write anything since I still don't own my own computer. BUT LUCKY YOU! You get a special bonus double edition of the Brain Fart this coming Monday that will encompass both weeks of nonsense! Oh boy! Anyway, where did I travel for work, you may ask? Well, I was deep within enemy territory. I was in the home of the Cowgirls. I was, of course, in Dallas, TX. The following are notes I took as I saw different things during my first time in Big D. (The "D" stands for douche of course.)

My flight landed at around lunchtime on Monday. What was the first thing I saw as I emerged from the gate? A Cowboys store. Staring back at me, welcoming me to Texas, were freshly-pressed Tony Homo jerseys. Awesome.

So apparently Dallas-Ft. Worth International Airport is neither in Dallas, nor in Ft. Worth, but instead is about a half hour away from the city. Phenomenal. So on the way I observed that the cops call themselves "Constables," (what is this England? I thought they were called the PO-LEESE in the south?) the old Cowboys stadium in Irving, which is an absolute dump, and a ton of "adult bookstores." Those Texans love them some porno!

I arrived at my hotel, checked-in, and headed up to my room on the 26th floor. When I got there, I opened the shades to check out the view. What did I see? For miles and miles around, there was absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. Just desert forever... and high school football.

After working all day, we headed to the bar at night to throw back a few cold ones and relax. One good thing about Dallas is that we're west of the Mississippi, which means... Fat Tire beer! Sweet Jesus yes.

While prepping for our meeting, we ran out of toner in the printer, which necessitated a trip to Staples. Apparently nothing is close to anything in Dallas, so I had to trek out about 10 miles to find a Staples. But you know what? It doesn't matter how far away things are when you're rollin' around town in one of these:



BOOM. Check my ride, bitches. Respect the Nav.

After seeing a ton of Sonic commercials here in the JC but never getting to go to one since they didn't have any up here until recently, it was nice to see that the chain actually does exist, as I found one by the Staples and enjoyed a few of it's culinary delicacies for lunch. Mmmmmm.

At Ithaca senior year we used to go to Chinese Buffet every Sunday to eat glorious Chinese food and discuss the past weekend's various shenanigans for about 3-4 hours. I consider that Chinese Buffet to be the best China buffet of them all, but I may have found a competitor to that title here in Dallas:



GRAND CHINA SUPER BUFFET?! ARE YOU KIDDING??!?! Not only is it Grand, but it's Super too. Unreal. I'm eating there next time I go.

Dallas is a dead town. We left the hotel to go to dinner at about 8:45 on Tuesday night, and there wasn't a single car on the road. Not one. It was like the town had a 7:00 curfew or something. Maybe it's just me being used to busy cities, but it was ridiculous how quiet and empty the city was. Even during the day there was no traffic whatsoever. Weird.

And finally, I can't believe everyone in Texas isn't dead with the way they eat down there. Typically fast food restaurants have local flavors to them, but they take it a little too far down in Dallas. A bacon, egg and cheese... BURGER at IHOP? Christ. CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK at KFC? Oh my. It's like each meal you eat has to clog at least 43% of your major arteries. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger at the hotel bar on Monday, thinking it came on your regular, everyday bun. Nope. It came on two pieces of thick, greasy, garlicky, Texas toast. My heart hurt after just one bite. Then that night I ordered a BBQ Brisket chopped salad, thinking I would get a few greens in me. The salad was good, except that it came on top of a cheesy-bread pizza-like thingy! WHY IS MY SALAD PLACED ON TOP OF A PIZZA? I felt a stroke coming on at this point. Again, how everyone isn't dead down there is beyond me.