MMBF - 1/11: Double the Fun!

Hola, and welcome everyone to a special 2-week super double bonus edition of the Monday Morning Brain Fart. Due to my inability to post anything last week while away on business, I'm combining my bullshit from 2 weekends ago with my bullshit from this past weekend, so be prepared to be 2 times as bored with my nonsense as you usually are. Onwards.

Last weekend was, of course, New Years, so let me begin by wishing you and your family a very happy New Year. All of us here at New Jersey is Clean, Idiots hope the new year brings you as much good fortune as it typically does to Steve Jobs. Anywhoo, me and 250 of my closest friends had a big blowout in NYC, with an open bar for 6 or 7 hours. That, however, was not the best part of the evening. The best part was the infinitely classy pocket square that Coach Louis was sporting during the evening. Kevo and I slaved over the pocket square with a hot iron, pressing each crucial crease to achieve the highest level of pocket square crispness. We gave him the very prestigious Three Stairs Pocket Square, which you can learn how to fold here. The ladies were swooning. Louey looked gooooood.

The annual Winter Classic hockey game was on New Years Day. It was between the Boston Bruins and the Philadelphia Flyers, two teams I hate. But like always, the game was quite the spectacle and was fun to watch. However, there was one moment that was particularly atrocious and dragged the whole event down. Towards the end of the game when the broadcast returned from commercial, instead of them actually continuing with the hockey game, they went down to field level at Fenway where Denis Leary and some obnoxious fruitcake in a fur coat led the crowd in singing, "Sweet Caroline," which I guess is a Fenway Park tradition. It was AWFUL. Red Sawx Nation, no one cares about your "traditions" or how together you used to be in sports misery. Stop trying to make us care about you. You're all annoying. Possibly moreso than Philadelphia fans.

I was appalled to see a commercial about Dark Chocolate Reeses Peanut Butter cups. It is a complete bastardization of an American tradition; an abomination in the truest sense of the word. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups are made of milk chocolate and whatever that peanut butter concoction is in the middle. Nothing else. Stop catering to fat people who think dark chocolate is healthier for you, and thereby spitting in the face of Americana. Dark chocolate isn't even that good.

I hadn't seen BASEketball, the superb comedy from the creators of South Park, until last weekend, and believe me when I tell you this - it contains one of the funniest moments in American cinematic history. Please observe:



I mean SERIOUSLY! The raccoon was just SITTING there in the road, and the car, which just happens to have a dashboard camera recording everything, just plows into him! Then they hit skunks, opossums, even a kangaroo! HILARIOUS! I kid you not, the first time I saw this, I was crying and I couldn't breathe, that's how hard I was laughing. My only hope in life is that some network is smart enough to bring Roadkill: Caught on Tape to television, so I can watch this genius everyday of my life. Prepare to be clogged, DVR.

2 weekends ago was the final weekend of the NFL's regular season, where the AFC still had a few playoff spots up for grabs. The Pittsburgh Steelers were one of the many teams trying to secure a wild-card spot, but they needed the Jets and Texans to lose, among other teams. Lamar Woodley, a linebacker for the Steelers, decided to say to the world that he thought the Bengals and the Patriots, who were playing the Jets and Texans, respectively, would lose on purpose so that the Steelers wouldn't make it into the playoffs, thereby ruining the integrity of the game. The Jets and Texans won of course, and the Steelers didn't make it in. Lamar Woodley was angry. Hey Lamar, how about you beat shitty teams like the Chiefs, Raiders and Browns so that you can assure your own spot in the playoffs and not have to worry about others? Yeah, that would work too. Idiot.

I've told you in the past how good Deli Plus is at the Journal Square PATH Station in Jersey City. I've even based an entire evening around it in the past. Well this past weekend, after celebrating a friend's, nay, brother's birthday in Alphabet City in NYC, I decided a trip to Deli Plus - alone, at 4:30 in the morning, in 5 degree temperatures - was a great idea. Boy, how right I was. Typically when I get a sandwich there it's a traditional turkey sandwich, but this time I decided to try the bacon, which is a staple of A-1 deli sandwiches. Hot damn, does Deli Plus do bacon right. It was hot, and had the perfect level of crispiness to really end my evening on a high note. I highly suggest you pick one up for yourself if you're in the area.

I was kind of rooting for the Jets in their playoff game with the Bengals on Saturday, because it'd be nice to see an area team do well since my team is shit. But I was also kind of rooting against them, because I enjoy the fact that the Jets are the ugly stepchild to the Giants, kind of like how the Mets are to the Yankees. The world is just right that way. But anyway, I was surprised at how easily the Jets won, though perhaps it shouldn't have been too surprising considering how terrible Marvin Lewis was. He wasted his challenges in the first half faster than Andy Reid typically does, which is saying something. And they were on calls that were clearly right. Idiot. Also, Braylon Edwards sucks, and the NBC B-team of Tom Hammond, Joe Gibbs and Joe Theismann was the worst broadcasting crew I have ever heard in my life. Hammond looks like a tranny and kept making mistakes with players names, Gibbs is too soft-spoken and never says anything of value, and Joe Theismann, well... there's a reason he was fired from the Monday Night booth on ESPN a few years back. If that ever happens again, I'm going to find Dick Ebersol and push him out of a window.

Luke Wilson must be really struggling these days. I haven't seen him in any movies of note recently, and now he's in these awful AT&T ads that are the answer to Verizon's "Map" commercials. First of all, he's put on some pounds. Come on Luke, let's get it together. You're clearly letting yourself go. Second of all, since when do legitimate movie stars have to resort to crappy cell phone commercials? I almost feel bad for the guy. Then I remember how much money I'm sure he's made in his career and I don't feel bad anymore. FATTY.

Other thoughts on the weekend's playoff football action: PHI-DAL - I really hate Philly, and I really hate Dallas, so their matchup caused a great moral dilemma deep within my soul. I want both of them to lose, but obviously that wasn't going to happen, so I decided that on this particular day I wanted Philly to win so that Dallas' streak of not winning a playoff game in 16 years would continue. I LOVE seeing them lose. Of course they won, but at least Philly is out of the playoffs! Then I got to thinking - maybe Dallas winning was a good thing. A) Philly is out, and that is always awesome, and B) Now it looks like Wade Phillips will stay, which is phenomenal. He is an AWFUL coach, and now because they won a playoff game, he'll probably stay for a while instead of Dallas hiring a real coach. I'd like to think that Wade Phillips could never win a Super Bowl in this life, or else clearly there is something wrong with this universe. So now Philly is out, and Wade Phillips is around for the Giants to own for a few more years. Awesome! NE-BAL - I thought it was absolutely hilarious that A) David Tyree now plays for the Ravens, which had to tear at the very core of all Pats fans, and B) They kept playing this Pepsi Throwback commercial during the game that had Tyree making the Helmet Catch in Super Bowl 42. I was waiting for him to do something epic that would beat the Pats again, but the only epic thing that happened was the Ravens taking the Pats behind the woodshed and givin' them a ripe ol' beatin'! Yee haw! ARZ-GB - Finally, the first good football game of the weekend, and it was the last one! Fun game to watch, and very ironic that the game ended in overtime on a good defensive play, when both defenses clearly demonstrated they couldn't stop my old high school team yesterday. Great entertainment, however.

Finally, I always enjoy a good bit of sexual undertone in a commercial, and a KFC commercial I saw over the weekend clearly fit the bill. It was for KFC's new Fire-Grilled Wings, and they showed some montage of hot women eating the wings, fire, hot peppers shooting all over the place, blah blah, yadda yadda, etc. One particular shot caught my eye, because it was of a woman taking a suggestive bite out of a hot pepper and taking a nice juicy shot in her face. I don't think I need to explain that any further, other than it illicited a large guffaw from me when I saw it. Shot. In the face. He he.

Ugh. Another week of work.