Hola todos las personas who is reading this blog (5), and Happy New Year! I can't believe I've now posted a Brain Fart 3 weeks in a row. You must be peeing yourself with excitement. But now I have to take the next step: actually writing something else. Let's see if that can be accomplished before the world ends next year. Anyway, on to the Farting!
The Lexus December To Remember commercials need to be stopped. Every fucking year they have this same stupid sale on cars that only rich people can afford, and the commercials feature trophy wives using their husbands hard-earned cash to buy him a car with a huge, obnoxious red bow on the roof. He is always surprised by this discovery. A few observations: 1) SHE BOUGHT IT WITH YOUR MONEY DUMBASS! I bet he won't be so happy when he sees the credit card statement, along with the new Tiffany ring she's wearing and the new Coach purse that's on her shoulder. Money-grubbing whore. And 2) WHY IS HE SO SURPRISED?! DOES HE THINK THAT HIS WIFE IS BRINGING HIM OUT TO THE DRIVEWAY TO SHOW HIM HIS BRAND NEW CHRISTMAS CAMEL? Fucking idiot.
Watching the Rangers whip up on the Islanders is awesome! Great Ranger team to root for this year. Really hard-working. Tons of effort. Easy to relate to. LOVE IT.
This story is both amazing and mortifying in so many ways. First of all, good for her for having a dream and chasing it. If we don't have goals, then what exactly are we living for? But second, she has 2 kids. That means a man had sex with her. Sir, you are a disgrace. Remember rule number 1! NO FAT CHICKS.
I absolutely HATE the Hyundai commercials that have been running over the holiday season where one stupid bitch and her emo-rific man toy are singing Christmas songs next to a shittily-made car. The girl is a lifeless soul-sucker who aimlessly stares deep into your eyes while she belts out Christmas tunes, while the guy is some kind of 5 Hour Energy-guzzling jackass who's jumping around behind her banging on xylophones and dressing like Joe Young. Every time I see it I want to run head first into my TV, simultaneously ending the commercial, destroying the TV screen, and electrocuting myself. FUCK YOU HYUNDAI!
Ranting about commercials a lot today are we? Well, another ridiculous series of commercials that make me ponder self-mutilation are the ones for Cialis. Hey babe, did you just wipe butter off of my face while I was cutting this cucumber? Let us fuck! Oh my god! Did my dirt-caked hand just graze your shoulder while we were gardening? Well, time for you to suck my dick! It's a good thing I have this pill to make my wang hard! I'm so old, yet I still maintain a healthy sexual existence with my equally-as-old partner. Neato! Let's go get naked and sit in separate bath tubs up there on that mountain-top!
So Joe Webb, a quarterback who's barely good enough to start for my high school team, plays the game of his life and beats the Eagles, yet Eli Manning, an insanely cute Super Bowl MVP, can't? Sometimes the Giants make me want to run a cheese grater over my nuts. And speaking of the Eagles, the ONE FUCKING TIME WE NEEDED THEM TO WIN, they don't. Burn Philadelphia. Burn.
So remember how Tony Dungy made a big Christian stink about how Rex Ryan cursed too much on Hard Knocks? Well, where is his rhetoric now since Bruce Boudreau is making Rex Ryan look like a pre-schooler on HBO's 24/7? I don't think I've ever heard a man curse more than ol' Brucy does, but Tony is nowhere to be seen to tell us what a bad man he is. I guess cursing in hockey is ok!
So even though Joe Montana tried to ruin Rudy by telling everyone that half the shit in the movie didn't happen, it still rules. I happened across it over the weekend while watching the telly and obviously had to stop and watch, and that flick never fails to deliver the waterworks. Thank you, Sean Aston. And Fuck You Joe Montana.
Well, now that the G-Men have been officially eliminated from the playoffs and Tom Coughlin is officially going to be back as our head coach next year, here is a list of people we should fire:
Offensive Coordinator Kevin Gilbride - Giants fans have been predicting his play calls for 3 years now. You think people who actually do this shit for a living don't know what's coming? He fucking sucks. GET RID OF HIM.
Special Teams Coordinator Tom Quinn - The kick and punt coverage sucks more man junk than a drunk 20 year old chick at a frat party, our punter is the worst punter in the history of punting, our kicker can only make field goals if the hold is perfect, and our team had no idea an onside kick might come in an obvious onside kick situation during our meltdown against the fucking Eagles. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!?!? FUCK! GET RID OF HIM.
QB Coach Mike Sullivan - Our Super Bowl MVP quarterback has shitty footwork and threw 25 interceptions this year. This is what happens when you promote a WIDE RECEIVER COACH to the QB Coach position. GET RID OF HIM.
And with that, I would like to wish you are yours a wonderful and prosperous 2011! But before we officialy get down to business in 20-sticks, here was my favorite moment from 2010:
Greetings fellow humans! As promised, I'm back in some sort of groove, so here is my second Monday Morning Brain Fart in 2 weeks! For those of you who just passed out, well... I have nothing to say, because you're currently unconscious. But for those of you who have survived the realization that I'm actually posting again, kudos! Please enjoy the following worthless prose that comes from the diarrhea that ran through my head throughout the past week.
The woman and I went to Heartland Brewery in NYC after walking around the Holiday Shops at Bryant Park on Monday night. As we approached, we noticed that they have a sort of restaurant spinoff now, called HB Burger. So we decided to try it out. I had a delicious Buffalo-style beef burger, which had the bleu cheese laced throughout the burger, and a delightful buffalo hot sauce on top. Highly recommended. But the coup de grace were the tater tots, which were made with bacon and jalapeno jack cheese. Holy moly. Those were heavenly. Need that baco in your tots.
All hail Corey Wooten! The Bears defensive end is the latest hero to knock Brett Favre possibly out of his career, this time slamming him to the turf and giving him a concussion. Let's hope that ended his career! Thanks Corey.
I'd like to take a second to applaud the Newport Centre Mall Taco Bell on an excellent beefy 5-layer burrito the other day. It was clean, nicely wrapped and didn't fall apart in my hands as I ate it, yet it was filled with the same beefy, gooey, cheesy excellence that I'm used to from The Bell. Kudos, hair-netted gentleman in the back.
Aaron Rodgers is playing? We're fucked.
I bought my nephew Dexter a Michael Vick chew toy for Christmas, mostly because I decided that as a Giants fan, I needed to see Vick (or at least a plastic facsimile of him) destroyed at the hands of those he tortured, as a result of last week's embarrassment. Behold the grisly glory:
Gotta love the NCAA! 6 Ohio St. players, including highly-overrated starting quarterback Terrelle Pryor, were suspended for not paying for tattoos. So they're going to miss the Sugar Bowl next week? Nope. They're missing 5 games next year. Heaven forbid the NCAA miss a money-making opportunity and have important players miss a game on national television! What a crock of shit.
Speaking of college football, I don't want to hear any more shit about players bitching about how they don't get paid for playing. You guys get a full scholarship, including tuition, room and board, books, meal plan, etc. That's not enough? Shut up. Those of us who have tens of thousands of dollars of school loans to repay by actually working real jobs don't want to hear it.
I got my nuts scanned by the TSA 2 weeks ago on a flight to Phoenix from Chicago. I didn't care. I also didn't care that some guy who hates his job had to take a close look at my dong to make sure I didn't have a bomb on me. I'm all for anything to make my flight, and all other flights in this country, safer. Everyone who's complaining - Shut the fuck up. You want another plane to blow up? Go live in the middle east. I prefer my travel safe here in America.
I have now heard the greatest nickname in sports - The Norwegian Hobbit Wizard, aka, New York Rangers rookie right wing Mats Zuccarello. He's Norwegian, he looks like a hobbit, and he's 5'6". It's perfect! He's also awesome. Also, I saw Michael Del Zotto in person the other day. He's sexy.
I think it's hilarious how many people are getting hurt performing in that ridiculous Spiderman musical. What a stupid idea. Actually, the other day I was reading a reputable and well-respected internet publication that had a review of the musical that I thought I should share with you. Enjoy.
Yesterday was Snowmaggedon in New Jersey! I, of course, was driving home to JC from my parent's house in the middle of it, so suffice it to say, I've had better road trips. But I made it through alive clearly, so good for you! 3 funny things that happened: 1) I had to pee like a racehorse while we were parked on I-78 for 45 minutes, so I got out of the car and ran into the woods on the median. Of course the traffic started moving as soon as I whipped my cock out, so I had to squeeze my flow out as fast as possible and sprint back to the car in the snow. Sure I got a few laughs there. 2) Saw some douche driving a SmartCar in the blizzard. Whoever was driving that car is an idiot. And 3) The "Welcome to the Ice Age" sign on the Liberty Science Center in JC that I passed was very appropriate. They can tell the future!
Joe Buck just said that the Giants were one of the better screen-pass teams in the National. Football. League. Has he ever watched football before? Either Eli throws the ball 800 mph at Brandon Jacobs or Ahmad Bradshaw's feet and/or heads, or those 2 dumbasses drop it. Joe Buck - You're an idiot. The Giants suck at screen passes, among other things.
Just like I thought, Aaron Rodgers killed us. Plus, I swear if I see another Giants turnover, I'm going to run downstairs to the dog-run outside of our building, role around in the dried dog shit that asshole dog owners never pick up, get up, and plant a sharp spike in the ground. Then I'm going to run back to my apartment on the 18th floor, and jump off the balcony onto said spike. I anticipate this happening next week when we turn the ball over for the first of 5 times. They suck. Hello Bill Cowher!
I forgot how sad Cast Away was. Sure, there's a glimmer of hope at the end when he meets the redhead in middle-of-nowhere Texas, gives a look, and while the credits are rolling probably chases her down and bangs her out in the bed of her truck right in front of the dog, but seriously, first his plane crashes. Then he spends 4 years on an island talking to a fucking volleyball. Then when he finally returns home, Helen Hunt teases him with a few kisses before dumping his ass because she has a family she doesn't love. Poor Tom Hanks.
And finally, to all my fellow Gentiles, I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas!
Ugh. Another week of work. Though at least this one begins with a snow day!
Hello everyone! I'm baaaaaaaack. And I'm pissed off. See Giants, New York.
Anyway, as I said, I am back for good. Back in the groove of blogging on a regular basis. Back to bore you with my pointless thoughts. Back to make you wonder why you even bother reading my nonsense because A) I'm not funny, and B) you have better things to do with your life. And finally, I'm back to telling you why New Jersey is the best piece of this land on planet Earth.
I think the reason I had gone so long without blogging was because once I missed a week or 2 of doing the Monday Morning Brain Fart, the amount of notes I had taken became a daunting amount, and I didn't feel like wasting days of my life trying to write every single thing I wanted to write about in such great detail. So as the notes kept piling up, my will to write kept slowly fading into the ether. But hark! I have figured out a way back into the game, and that way is: Half-assing it! That's right. I'm going to write about everything I wanted to write about over the last couple months, but instead of expanding on every topic and writing a Brain Fart longer than The Bible, I'm going to write a sentence or 2 about each, then move on, only expanding when necessary. That way, I get to write about everything I wanted to, and I can start from scratch and try to win all 6 of my loyal readers back. So without further ado, my glorified Twitter feed of a Monday Morning Brain Fart:
Hard Knocks was awesome. Sick of hearing about the Jets though, especially since they will inevitably fail and push their fans to the brink of suicide once more.
Jersey Shore is the greatest show on TV. I'm only half-kidding about that. Watch that shit when the new season premiers of January 6th.
Musikfest in Bethlehem, PA is one of the few good things that happens in Pennsyltucky. It's a monster festival - lots of good music, great food, and tons of booze. Can't beat that.
I think Joe Girardi is the worst, best manager in baseball. Yankees are always good, always going to make the playoffs or at least be in contention to do so, but the way he manages the bullpen makes me want to strangle small children.
I'd hate to be a Mets fan. Just when you think things couldn't be any worse for that pathetic franchise, their expensive all-star closer goes and beats up his father-in-law. Nice!
Angry birds is the most incredible game/app/anything you could possibly download in your life.
Fat cat is one of my favorite bars is NYC. I need that shit in my life on a more regular basis.
Jersey City is totally sweet. Yes I know that video sucked, but the moral of the story is the JC rules!
Not only are security guards in malls that scoot around on segways hilarious because it's so lame, but it's even funnier when 2 security guards are next to each other, but only 1 of them gets a segway. They actually make the other douche walk next to the fat ass who can't walk and gets to segway around. Hilars!
I'm fairly sure that the pet store at the Newport Centre Mall in Jersey City could not have hired a guy who looks more like a child rapist than the one dude who works there. He not only has a mullet, but he has a mullet with a RAT TAIL. If he had his druthers, he'd probably hand a child a puppy, then gently stroke their privates. Too creepy.
Sketchers Shape-Up sneakers look stupid. Stop wearing them asshole.
I made a bet with my roommate that LaDainian Tomlinson wouldn't get over 675.5 yards this season, mostly because I thought he was old, washed up, and would get hurt at some point. I already lost. Poo.
Bob Bradley got a 4 year extension as the head coach of the US soccer team. Not sure how I feel about that. He's done well, but his lineup choices usually leave a lot to be desired. And if he plays Robbie Findley one more time I'm going to shoot up a post office.
There are few things in life more satisfying than watching Papeldouche fail, especially when his fuck ups seal a postseason-less season for the SAWX. He is such a cock monger.
Congrats to my pals Courtney and Chris on their nuptials!
The Virginia Tech-Boise St. game to open the college football season was neato.
I've found the most obscure and weird mascot in all of sports: The UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. WTF?! Naturally, I bought a Banana Slugs tank top.
Colby Caillat brutalized the national anthem... though I forget to write when it was when I took this note. She sucks and should never be hired for any job again for the rest of her life.
The new Old Spice commercials with Ray Lewis are hilarious, even if he did kill a guy.
Brett Favre is a grandpa?! Just die already you old fuck.
1050 ESPN radio in NYC has a football show co-hosted by former Jet linebacker Greg Buttle. He is the worst. His analysis actually makes you know less about the game of football. I'm surprised Bonnie Bernstein hasn't shanked him yet, but I'm figuring she will the next time he uses the phrase, "When you look at...," which I know will be in about .05 seconds.
The Cowgirls are so fucking lame. I've never seen a team celebrate more 3 yard runs than them.
The Entourage finale was sweet. I hope Vinny dies of a drug overdose.
The League is one of the funniest shows on TV. I'd say you should watch it, but it's over. So download it illegally or something.
Kevin won Top Chef! Where's he from? New Jersey of course.
Andrew Siciliano, the dude who hosts the Red Zone channel on DirecTV, has bigger ears than dumbo. How embarrassing.
The New York Rangers are back! AND THEY GOT RID OF WADE REDDEN! SWEET JESUS!
EasyA was surprisingly hilarious. Not ashamed to admit that.
The 10th Inning of Ken Burns Baseball came out recently. If you like baseball, you need it. Really interesting.
What's the best part of going to a Rutgers football game? Listening to the marching band playing Bon Jovi songs all night. I love New Jersey.
Great series win by the Yankees in the Division Series against the Twins. When CC wasn't good in Game 1 and the Yanks still won, that's when you knew it was over. Also, Andy Pettitte was awesome, and Phil Hughes was better. Neato gang!
I saw some piece about how Lawrence Tynes was hanging with kids with disabilities are part of some Giants community outreach thing. If I were the Giants, I'd keep Tynes away from the kids. He actually enhances their disabilities.
Giants beat the Texans! Cool.
I couldn't help but feel bad for Brooks Conrad after he made 3 errors and blew Game 2 against San Fran. He must feel awful.
Tough loss for the Braves in the Division Series. Way too many injuries, plus they ran into San Fran's unstoppable pitching. Too much to overcome. Fairwell Bobby, you will be missed by the game.
Darrelle Revis needs to shut up. Don't remember what he said, but I'm sure it was stupid.
Brett Favre pretends to be hurt all the time just to make people think he's tough. I'm convinced. I hate him.
Favre getting hit in the nuts! HAHA!
Made the pilgrimage. If you don't know what this is in reference to, you should be shot.
Giants won a game they should win and had to win. I think that was the Lions game.
If I have to hear that fucking Kid Rock song on TBS' playoff baseball coverage one more time, I'm going to jump off my balcony. Thankfully, the playoffs are long over, so I clearly don't have to anymore.
AJ Burnett had to just get Bengie fucking Molina out to escape 6 innings with only 2 runs in Game 4 against the Rangers, and he couldn't do it. Then of course Joe brought in Sergio fucking Mitre, and the game was over. He sucks.
Yankees didn't deserve to win that series. Texas outplayed them badly.
The Giants are knocking out QBs left and right! We broke Tony Homo's collarbone! I loved watching him writhe on the field in pain after Michael Boley ended the Cowgirls season. And what is Igor Olshansky celebrating down 18 after stopping a simple run play? Typical Cowgirls. They suck.
Friday Night Lights is the best show on TV. Watch that shit America.
Watched football at White Star Bar in the JC a few weeks back, and there was some douche who came in with a Favre Packers jersey. Then when the Vikings game came on, he changed to a Favre Vikings jersey. What a shithead.
I couldn't believe that the Red Bulls choked that badly in the second leg of their playoff against San Jose. Terrible way to end the season. Lots of promise for the future though, so I got season tickets for next year! w00t w00t!
Ithaca is awesome.
Giants slaughter Seahawks. Nice.
I really wish the Cowgirls hadn't fired Wade Phillips. He was so awful as a coach, I loved watching them lose over and over again. No more. Sadness.
The Rangers suck at home. And typically whenever I go to see them. COME ON.
Steve Smith is hurt?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Matt Millen and Joe Theisman make me want to rip my ears off. Bob Papa probably is suicidal, especially since he is one of the best in the business. Come on, NFL Network, you can't possibly think those 2 clowns are actually good right?
Ugh. Ithaca lost the Cortaca Jug to Cortland St. Oh well, at least we know those idiots will be working for us some day!
Miami Heat fans are embarrassing... Empty seats and silence at the arena to watch a team with LeBron James AND Dwyane Wade? Again, that's embarrassing. What a shit sports town Miami is.
Same old Giants in the game against the Cowgirls. Pathetic.
The Hess truck this year is a fighter jet?!?!? I remember when I got those things every year as a kid, it was always a cool truck. Now they're doing fighter jets?!?! My childhood is slowly going down the drain.
ANOTHER WATER MAIN BREAK?? FUCK! If there is one negative about Jersey City, it's that our millennium-old water mains keep breaking, leaving us all with no water. It's getting annoying, just fix the damn thing for Christ's sake.
Ithaca needs a new mascot. VOTE. Or submit an idea, whatever they ask you to do.
I actually went to Philly wearing a Giants jersey to see the G-Men. First off, heartbreaking loss. Second, Philly fans are disgraces to humanity. What a bunch of scumbags.
Watching the Heat struggle so badly is incredible. I love that they suck. Well, they did when I wrote this note down. They're pretty good right now.
Watching Brett Favre suffer in his last year in the league is incredible. He comes back for one last run at the Super Bowl, and what does he get? His ass kicked on a regular basis, the Vikings suck... it's so awesome! I love watching him burn.
Now Hakeem Nicks is hurt? We're fucked.
Qatar had to have bought the vote for the 2022 World Cup. You can't tell me that they would do a better job hosting than us. FIFA is so corrupt. We're voting to play the 2022 Cup in 120 degree heat? Really? We're doing this?
2012, the movie starring John Cusack about the end of the world, was horrific. Every ridiculous action movie cliche was in that. Cool effects, but that's it. Pass on that sack of shit.
Giants stroll over Redskins! Fun times!
Top Chef All-Stars is so good. I don't cook, and I can't get enough of it. Let's go Tiffany!
We've officially started the countdown to when Cam Newton has to give his Heisman trophy back. Don't you just love "amateur" athletics these days?
The Metrodome roof collapsed! Awesome! BUT WE DON'T CARE THAT IT HELPS FAVRE POSSIBLY EXTEND HIS STREAK. FUCK YOU ESPN. FUCK YOU ED WERDER. AND FUCK YOU BRETT FAVRE. DIE.
I enjoyed how they kept showing Brett Favre with his hands in his pants during the game against the Giants. What a horny shithead. At least wait until the game is over and you're back in the locker room until you start whacking off to thought of yourself, Brett.
The Giants were up 31-10 against the Eagles with 7 minutes left. And we lost. In regulation. I now know what all Giants fans felt like after the Miracle at the Meadowlands in 1978. This is, by far, the lowest I've ever felt as a Giants fan. I can't imagine things being worse than this. What a horrific choke job. Fuck me. Not sure how long it's going to take me to get over this.
Just like last time, when it took me 17 years to churn out a 6 mile long Brain Fart, I have been diligently taking notes on my iPhone 4 in the hope that one day I may write another Brain Fart again. Well, we almost arrived at that point tonight, however, I don't really feel like writing a novel, so I'm just going to rant about the New York Football Giants, because after last weekend's performance, they deserve it. I'm also a little drunk. So let's take this week by week, shall we?
Preseason - 8/21: Giants vs. Steelers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
I'll discuss this preseason game because I was there, not because it was a game of any sort of great importance, especially because Eli didn't play... oh right! Hold on one sec.
Preseason - 8/16: Giants vs. Jets - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
I wasn't at this game, but I do feel a few things need to be said about it:
1) The Giants won, which means we are, were, and always will be, the kings of New York/New Jersey/Connecticut/Half of Rhode Island? Maybe? Football. The Jets can make all the headlines they want by signing every miscreant in the league, being on Hard Knocks, talking all kinds of shit... it doesn't matter. This is a Giants town. And yes, it's called the New Giants Stadium. Actually win a Super Bowl Jets, and maybe we'll talk.
2) Victor Cruz is THE SHIT. Even Revis Island couldn't have contained UMass' finest.
3) To everyone saying that the Jets sent some sort of message about how tough they are by bloodying Eli during the game - you are all idiots. The only reason Eli got his forehead torn open was because he called an audible but decided he didn't need to tell the rest of his team. It's his fault the play went to shit, so it's his fault that he got some brains knocked out through a crack in his face. The Jets just merely took advantage of a broken play. If Eli communicates the audible to his teammates, that doesn't happen, so stop it with the "Jets are so tough" shit. Eli just had a minor brain cramp, that's all. He's still really cute.
4) There was probably something else, I think, but I forget. Remember... drunk.
Back to the first game I went to!
Preseason - 8/21: Giants vs. Steelers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
It was the Rhett Bomar show at the New Giants Stadium, and he was fine. The Giants lost, but WHATEVS! It's the preseason. This game was all about checking out the new stadium for the first time. We got there nice and early so as to experience the optimal amount of tailgating. There were cheeseburgers, sausage and peppers, and of course, the Champagne of Beer, aka Miller High Life. (From here on out in this blog, the High Life will be forever referred to as "Champagne." So don't ever think I'm talking about that fizzy clear shit people drink during wedding toasts. It's the High Life. It's the Champagne. BUT REMEMBER: Never, EVER, get the Champagne in a can. Only in bottles. Word to the wise.) We made out way to our seats, which were in the lower bowl on the corner of the end zone, about 30 rows up. Good seats, nice view, good amount of leg room. Great times. As we approached the end of the game and the stadium was emptying out, we made our way over the expensive, cushy seats that cost $20,000 per PSL, just to see what they were like. Well, let's just say I would be pissed off if I spent $20,000 for that seat because there was absolutely no leg room and the cup holder was ever so slightly sawing away at my meniscus. I bet the Jets designed that. What a bunch of IDIOTS.
Regular Season Week 1 - 9/12: Giants vs. Panthers - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
I was at this one too! Which means I was at the preseason opener for the totally first ever Giants game at the new stadium, then at the regular season opener for the not-so-totally first ever Giants game at the new stadium. Represent, fo sho. Anyway, the Giants won the game even though they mostly played like dog doodie, but hey! A win's a win, right? And after last year, I'll take a win any way, shape, or form they can get one. The best thing to see was the defense actually make some plays when the opposing offense took them deep in the red zone, as they intercepted Matt Moore 3 times in the end zone. Last year, those drives resulted in Panther touchdowns, so that's a positive right?! Hopefully they would carry it over into the next game at Indy...
Regular Season Week 2 - 9/19: Giants at Colts - Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN
NOT! Granted, this was one of those games where you pretty much knew you weren't going to win. Indy had just come off a spanking at the hands of the Texans, and would be desperate to not start the year 0-2. Plus they were at home. Plus they have Eli's older brother at QB. You could pretty much chalk this one up as a loss, but at least the Giants could have represented themselves well. But they did the exact opposite and looked like complete ass. They talked the whole week about how they were going to game plan to stop Peyton, so they played most of the game in the dime and only dressed 2 defensive tackles. And what happened? One of the worst running back tandems in the National. Football. League. ran all over them of course. It was just a miserable performance on defense, and the offense wasn't much better. They couldn't get anything going, and Brandon Jacobs dancing around like a fairy in the backfield and then trying to kill a Colts fan with his helmet certainly wasn't helping. But again, you would have picked this game as a loss before the season started, so even though they looked worse than a pee wee team, no harm no foul.
This game also got me thinking - Is it time to give up on Brandon Jacobs? He used to run with such power, such determination, such passion. Defenses used to fear him, used to fear the absolute beat down he was going to lay on them. But now? No one's afraid of him. He tries to dance around people instead of running through them. It's like he thinks he's Barry Sanders all of a sudden, except Barry Sanders never weighed 280 pounds, so that's kind of a problem. But that's not all. Now all of a sudden he's got a major attitude problem because he's 2nd string and has no idea why. Well Brandon, let me tell you why: YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE YOU SUCK. YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE WE PAID YOU ALL THIS MONEY, SO NOW YOU'RE COMFORTABLE AND NOW YOU'RE SOFT. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE SOFT. YOU'RE SECOND STRING BECAUSE AHMAD BRADSHAW IS BETTER THAN YOU. There you go Brandon, the reasons why you're second string. Now you know, so now you can stop bitching to the media every five seconds. Start running like a man, and maybe things will change for you. SOFTEE!
Regular Season Week 3 - 9/26: Giants vs. Titans - New Giants Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
Alright, so bad week 2 against the Colts, let's bounce back against the Titans, right? WRONG. Instead of putting forth a good effort and putting the nightmare that was week 2 behind them, the Giants played one of the most pathetic, undisciplined, embarrassing games I have ever seen in my life. They were absolutely deplorable, if I may use such a word. First, the turnovers. Usually Eli gets intercepted because he throws it right at his receivers hands, but instead of catching it they bump and set it to a defender. This time though, Eli decided it would be a great idea to loft a ball left-handed into the endzone. WHAT DID HE THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!?? Then Ahmad's butterfingers reared their ugly head after we had driven all the way down the field to the red zone looking to close the gap and take the momentum. Oye. Now onto the stupid penalties. Ahmad chopped block some fat white guy in the end zone to give Tennessee a safety instead of us being able to keep a 50 yard completion to Mario Manningham. Stupid. Then everyone on the team starting losing their fucking minds!: David Diehl shoves someone to the ground after the whistle. Kareem McKenzie commits 2 personal fouls by jacking up guys after the whistle. Then Antrel Rolle bitch slaps some guy RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REF. Since when is a Tom Coughlin team so damn stupid?! And as if that wasn't bad enough, we took a delay of game penalty... ON A FIELD GOAL ATTEMPT. WHAT??!?! Totally undisciplined, totally pathetic, and completely awful. But wait! There's more.
HOW IN THE WORLD IS LAWRENCE FUCKING TYNES STILL THE GIANTS KICKER?!?! HE IS THE WORST KICKER I HAVE EVER SEEN! HE CAN'T HIT SHORT FIELD GOALS. HE CAN'T HIT LONG FIELD GOALS. HE SOMETIMES MISSES EXTRA POINTS. HIS KICKOFFS ONLY GO AS FAR AS THE 15 YARD LINE. WHAT AM I MISSING?!?!? WHY IS THIS GUY STILL ON THE ROSTER?!??!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! JHADGKLJAGJLNARN;VAINV OINGPIOWEG [OWIRNG QJNB JDFNAVPIO APOASD;KMJKV F JKLV I HATE HIM!!!!!! Please Jerry Reese. Bring in someone! Anyone! A Grandma! A dead person! I DON'T CARE, JUST GET TYNES OUT. (I'd do a picture of him for your viewing pleasure, but if I had to look at Tynes' face right now I think I would stab my eye with a toothpick and then try and ease the pain by pouring orange juice on the wound.)
Antrel Rolle - Shut the hell up.
Tiki Barber - You're such an asshat. People maybe kinda sorta might have started forgiving you for being dick, but then you come out and trash Coughlin again this week? Right before you're going to be at the stadium for your induction in the Ring of Honor this Sunday? Smart move jack ass. Get ready to get the shit booed out of you! Perhaps you should stimulate yourself in front of a minor so you have a legit excuse not to show up, much like our friend LT. The real LT, by the way.
Special Teams - Stop sucking. Seriously.
Giants - Where is the pride? Where is the heart? You're playing like you don't care, like you're just happy to show up and collect a paycheck. Maybe that's true though. Maybe I'm the asshole for thinking that professional athletes care about things like pride. Who knows. But as a fan who pours his heart and soul into rooting for this team because they mean so much to me, I expect a bit more than this putrid shit. Jokes on me I guess!
Time for some water so tomorrow morning doesn't hurt so much. Thanks for bearing with me!
I'm back bitches! And this time, it's not with a Brain Fart, but with a column filled with some of the worst gambling advice you will ever read. Last year when I predicted how every team in the National, Football, League would finish, I'm pretty sure I only got 2 teams right (suck it Ian!). This year I'm shooting for at least 3. Think I can do it? Only time will tell... Remember, just like last year, I went through the schedule and picked every game for the entire season, so these records are LEGIT. On to the picks!
* = Wild Card
AFC EAST
New England Patriots: 12-4 Even though Tom Brady is modeling his hair after Justin Bieber and looks like a douche, he'll probably have a huge year because the Patriots are cheap as shit and won't pay him. Idiots. Plus they have all those cameras on the sidelines stealing signs, so that helps too.
New York Jets: 8-8 Everyone seems to forget that the Jets were handed a playoff berth last year by two teams who couldn't have cared less about the last 2 weeks of the season. Sure they got hot, but the Browns finished the year on a 4 game winning streak too. See anyone picking them to win the Super Bowl this year?
Miami Dolphins: 6-10 They're best pass rusher was a guy signed last year from the Canadian Football League. Eeeee....
Buffalo Bills: 4-12 Speaking of Canada, it's going to be a loooong season in the Great White North this year. Trent Edwards sucks, Buffalovians. Accept it.
AFC NORTH
Pittsburgh Steelers: 13-3 This'll probably come back to bite me in the ass, seeing as Big Ben isn't coming back until Week 6, and even when he does come back, I'm sure the powers that be will make sure that a rapist fails miserably, but Mike Wallace is my jam in Madden 10, so I gotta stick with the Steelers!
Baltimore Ravens: 10-6* Joe Flaccooooo has a bunch of weapons on offense now, and seeing as the biggest one (Ray Rice) went to college in the great state of New Jersey (the greatest state in all the land), the Ravens should be formidable enough on offense to compliment their defense, lead by Ray COUGHCOUGHCOUGHMURDERERCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH Lewis. Sorry. Got an itch in my throat.
Cincinnati Bengals: 8-8 Any team with that cock nugget Terrell Owens is destined for failure. And Cincy-area strippers - watch out! PacMan Jones is in town, and he about to make it rain on yo asses.
Cleveland Browns: 2-14 Any team with the Mangenius as a head coach and Jake Delhomme as it's starting QB is destined to be shitty. The only reason they'll even win 2 games is because they have Phil Dawson, who is the greatest kicker God has ever created. Trust me.
AFC SOUTH
Houston Texans: 12-4 This is the year Matt Schaub and company breakthrough and make it to the playoffs. That is unless new backup quarterback Matt Leinart doesn't screw everything up by inviting Paris Hilton or some other hooker into the locker room for a team BJ that results in all of them acquiring the herp. Tough to play football with an oozing crotchal region you know.
Indianapolis Colts: 12-4* Eli's older brother once again leads the Colts to the playoffs. I wonder if it bothers Peyton that everyone (including his own father) refers to him as Eli's brother...
Tennessee Titans: 9-7 9-7 will be a helluva achievement for the Titans after Chris Johnson blows out his knee in Week 5 because he carried the ball so many damn times last year.
Jacksonville Jaguars: 4-12 This record is God cursing the Jaguars franchise for not drafting His son, Tim Tebow, to play quarterback for them. You brought this upon yourself, Jacksonville.
AFC WEST
San Diego Chargers: 10-6 Who needs Vincent Jackson when you have the official fantasy football sleeper of New Jersey is Clean, Idiots on your team: Malcolm Floyd! He's going to be a stud. Lock it up.
Oakland Raiders: 8-8 Surprisingly, the Raiders front office has been making smart moves this offseason. This leads me to believe that Al Davis is actually dead and the team hired a taxidermist to stuff him and sit him in the owners box. I just wish they'd make him look less like a horrifying sea monster and more like an actual human being.
Kansas City Chiefs: 6-10 Charlie Weis is the new offensive coordinator! And entire offensive line! His playcalling will totally take this offense to the next level, I mean, look at what he did at Notre Dame! Um, wait, eeeeee. This is awkward.
Denver Broncos: 4-12 So bad, I actually forgot to write about this team until I proofread this column and realized they were missing. If that isn't a sign of a shitty team I don't know what is.
NFC EAST
New York Giants: 10-6 I could go on forever writing about the Giants upcoming season, but I'll just leave you with this: The defense should be back to being nasty, and Eli is ready to take it to a level even higher than last year. That and he is impossibly cute. The New Giants Stadium is going to be rocking this year for Big Blue!
Dallas Cowgirls: 9-7 Home Super Bowl Jerry? How 'bout not even making the playoffs! Tony Homo sucks. Wade Phillips sucks. Dallas, well, sucks.
Filthadelphia Eagles: 7-9 The only good things to ever come out of Philly: The Roots and Will Smith. And as we all recall, Mr. Smith had to move to California to finally prosper as a real man.
Washington Redskins: 6-10 Donovan McFagg is the new quarterback thanks to Philly TRADING HIM WITHIN THE DIVISION. Assholes. Washington still sucks though.
NFC NORTH
Green Bay Packers: 12-4 Aaron Rodgers will throw for about 6,000 yards this year, which will make it even more of a shame that I didn't draft him for my fantasy team. Come on Phil Rivers!
Minnesota Vikings: 11-5* Die Brett. Please.
Detroit Lions: 5-11 I was going to mark them down for 11 wins this year, but CC Brown is one of their safeties. He is so shitty, he actually will cost this team 6 wins. Sorry to pile on, Detroit.
Chicago Bears: 4-12 I think Jay Cutler could actually be worse than Rex Grossman, and that is saying a lot, because I think I might actually be better than Sexy Rexy. It's ok Chicago, at least you still have the Cubs! Oh. Jeez. Sorry...
NFC SOUTH
New Orleans Saints: 14-2 No one's going to stop Drew Brees and company from continuing to pile up massive amounts of points. I was going to put them down for 12 wins, but I gave them a bonus 2 for kicking the shit out of Brett Favre in the NFC Championship game last year. Good job boys!
Atlanta Falcons: 10-6* Hotlanta, lead by the fake Matty Ice at QB (the real Matty Ice is of course Matt Saracen of the Dillon Panthers. Duh.), will make the playoffs thanks to a well-rounded offense. That and because visiting teams will be freaked out by how quiet the Georgia Dome is because Atlanta is such a shit sports town and no one is showing up to the games.
Carolina Panthers: 9-7 They got rid of Jake Delhomme, that has to be good for at least a couple of wins, right?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 2-14 There's going to be a severe shortage of canon ball blasts from that ridiculous pirate ship in their stadium this year because the Bucs offense is pretty terrible. I really wish that they would wear those awesome Creamsicle orange throwback uniforms every game however.
AFC WEST
San Francisco 49ers: 9-7 Probably the league's worst division will be won by a team quarterbacked by... Alex Smith? And if he gets hurt... David Carr??? For shame, rest of division. For shame.
Seattle Seahawks: 9-7 Pete Carroll, after breaking every NCAA compliance rule at USC, running the program into the ground and then bailing on them, has the Seahawks going in the right direction and on the verge of the playoffs. Yay 12th Man!
St. Louis Rams: 6-10 I believe in Spags. This team will be better than you think. You won't want to play them with a playoff spot on the line, YOU BEST BELEEE DAT.
Arizona Cardinals: 5-11 Think you're going to be a good team with Derek Anderson as your starting quarterback? HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! I LAUGH IN YOUR FACE ARIZONA! They better pray that Kurt Warner gets eliminated from Dancing with the Stars ASAP so they can drag his old ass out of retirement.
WILD CARD PLAYOFFS
6) Ravens over 3) Patriots 4) Chargers over 5) Colts
3) Giants over 6) Falcons 4) 49ers over 5) Vikings**
** = Brett Favre throws an interception to end his career. Again.
DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS
6) Ravens over 1) Steelers 2) Texans over 4) Chargers
3) Giants over 2) Packers 1) Saints over 4) 49ers
CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS
2) Texans over 6) Ravens 3) Giants over 1) Saints
SUPER BOWL XLV
New York Giants over Houston Texans
I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING!!! The Giants will not only beat up on their NFC East foes from Texas, the Cowgirls, but they will then beat up on the other team from the Lone Star State! Equal opportunity ass kickings! In the Cowgirls home stadium! It doesn't get much better than that. The Victor Cruz Era in New York begins with an absolute bang as the New York Football Giants are Super Bowl Champions for the 2nd time in 4 years! The entire left side of my body is going numb just thinking about the possibility of this happening. I think I need to see a doctor.
Hola todos las personas who is reading this blog (5), and Happy New Year! I can't believe I've now posted a Brain Fart 3 weeks in a row. You must be peeing yourself with excitement. But now I have to take the next step: actually writing something else. Let's see if that can be accomplished before the world ends next year. Anyway, on to the Farting!
