2010 NFL Preview!

I'm back bitches! And this time, it's not with a Brain Fart, but with a column filled with some of the worst gambling advice you will ever read. Last year when I predicted how every team in the National, Football, League would finish, I'm pretty sure I only got 2 teams right (suck it Ian!). This year I'm shooting for at least 3. Think I can do it? Only time will tell... Remember, just like last year, I went through the schedule and picked every game for the entire season, so these records are LEGIT. On to the picks!

* = Wild Card

AFC EAST

New England Patriots: 12-4
Even though Tom Brady is modeling his hair after Justin Bieber and looks like a douche, he'll probably have a huge year because the Patriots are cheap as shit and won't pay him. Idiots. Plus they have all those cameras on the sidelines stealing signs, so that helps too.

New York Jets: 8-8
Everyone seems to forget that the Jets were handed a playoff berth last year by two teams who couldn't have cared less about the last 2 weeks of the season. Sure they got hot, but the Browns finished the year on a 4 game winning streak too. See anyone picking them to win the Super Bowl this year?

Miami Dolphins: 6-10
They're best pass rusher was a guy signed last year from the Canadian Football League. Eeeee....

Buffalo Bills: 4-12
Speaking of Canada, it's going to be a loooong season in the Great White North this year. Trent Edwards sucks, Buffalovians. Accept it.

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh Steelers: 13-3
This'll probably come back to bite me in the ass, seeing as Big Ben isn't coming back until Week 6, and even when he does come back, I'm sure the powers that be will make sure that a rapist fails miserably, but Mike Wallace is my jam in Madden 10, so I gotta stick with the Steelers!

Baltimore Ravens: 10-6*
Joe Flaccooooo has a bunch of weapons on offense now, and seeing as the biggest one (Ray Rice) went to college in the great state of New Jersey (the greatest state in all the land), the Ravens should be formidable enough on offense to compliment their defense, lead by Ray COUGHCOUGHCOUGHMURDERERCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH Lewis. Sorry. Got an itch in my throat.

Cincinnati Bengals: 8-8
Any team with that cock nugget Terrell Owens is destined for failure. And Cincy-area strippers - watch out! PacMan Jones is in town, and he about to make it rain on yo asses.

Cleveland Browns: 2-14
Any team with the Mangenius as a head coach and Jake Delhomme as it's starting QB is destined to be shitty. The only reason they'll even win 2 games is because they have Phil Dawson, who is the greatest kicker God has ever created. Trust me.

AFC SOUTH

Houston Texans: 12-4
This is the year Matt Schaub and company breakthrough and make it to the playoffs. That is unless new backup quarterback Matt Leinart doesn't screw everything up by inviting Paris Hilton or some other hooker into the locker room for a team BJ that results in all of them acquiring the herp. Tough to play football with an oozing crotchal region you know.

Indianapolis Colts: 12-4*
Eli's older brother once again leads the Colts to the playoffs. I wonder if it bothers Peyton that everyone (including his own father) refers to him as Eli's brother...

Tennessee Titans: 9-7
9-7 will be a helluva achievement for the Titans after Chris Johnson blows out his knee in Week 5 because he carried the ball so many damn times last year.

Jacksonville Jaguars: 4-12
This record is God cursing the Jaguars franchise for not drafting His son, Tim Tebow, to play quarterback for them. You brought this upon yourself, Jacksonville.

AFC WEST

San Diego Chargers: 10-6
Who needs Vincent Jackson when you have the official fantasy football sleeper of New Jersey is Clean, Idiots on your team: Malcolm Floyd! He's going to be a stud. Lock it up.

Oakland Raiders: 8-8
Surprisingly, the Raiders front office has been making smart moves this offseason. This leads me to believe that Al Davis is actually dead and the team hired a taxidermist to stuff him and sit him in the owners box. I just wish they'd make him look less like a horrifying sea monster and more like an actual human being.

Kansas City Chiefs: 6-10
Charlie Weis is the new offensive coordinator! And entire offensive line! His playcalling will totally take this offense to the next level, I mean, look at what he did at Notre Dame! Um, wait, eeeeee. This is awkward.

Denver Broncos: 4-12
So bad, I actually forgot to write about this team until I proofread this column and realized they were missing. If that isn't a sign of a shitty team I don't know what is.

NFC EAST

New York Giants: 10-6
I could go on forever writing about the Giants upcoming season, but I'll just leave you with this: The defense should be back to being nasty, and Eli is ready to take it to a level even higher than last year. That and he is impossibly cute. The New Giants Stadium is going to be rocking this year for Big Blue!

Dallas Cowgirls: 9-7
Home Super Bowl Jerry? How 'bout not even making the playoffs! Tony Homo sucks. Wade Phillips sucks. Dallas, well, sucks.

Filthadelphia Eagles: 7-9
The only good things to ever come out of Philly: The Roots and Will Smith. And as we all recall, Mr. Smith had to move to California to finally prosper as a real man.

Washington Redskins: 6-10
Donovan McFagg is the new quarterback thanks to Philly TRADING HIM WITHIN THE DIVISION. Assholes. Washington still sucks though.

NFC NORTH

Green Bay Packers: 12-4
Aaron Rodgers will throw for about 6,000 yards this year, which will make it even more of a shame that I didn't draft him for my fantasy team. Come on Phil Rivers!

Minnesota Vikings: 11-5*
Die Brett. Please.

Detroit Lions: 5-11
I was going to mark them down for 11 wins this year, but CC Brown is one of their safeties. He is so shitty, he actually will cost this team 6 wins. Sorry to pile on, Detroit.

Chicago Bears: 4-12
I think Jay Cutler could actually be worse than Rex Grossman, and that is saying a lot, because I think I might actually be better than Sexy Rexy. It's ok Chicago, at least you still have the Cubs! Oh. Jeez. Sorry...

NFC SOUTH

New Orleans Saints: 14-2
No one's going to stop Drew Brees and company from continuing to pile up massive amounts of points. I was going to put them down for 12 wins, but I gave them a bonus 2 for kicking the shit out of Brett Favre in the NFC Championship game last year. Good job boys!

Atlanta Falcons: 10-6*
Hotlanta, lead by the fake Matty Ice at QB (the real Matty Ice is of course Matt Saracen of the Dillon Panthers. Duh.), will make the playoffs thanks to a well-rounded offense. That and because visiting teams will be freaked out by how quiet the Georgia Dome is because Atlanta is such a shit sports town and no one is showing up to the games.

Carolina Panthers: 9-7
They got rid of Jake Delhomme, that has to be good for at least a couple of wins, right?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 2-14
There's going to be a severe shortage of canon ball blasts from that ridiculous pirate ship in their stadium this year because the Bucs offense is pretty terrible. I really wish that they would wear those awesome Creamsicle orange throwback uniforms every game however.

AFC WEST

San Francisco 49ers: 9-7
Probably the league's worst division will be won by a team quarterbacked by... Alex Smith? And if he gets hurt... David Carr??? For shame, rest of division. For shame.

Seattle Seahawks: 9-7
Pete Carroll, after breaking every NCAA compliance rule at USC, running the program into the ground and then bailing on them, has the Seahawks going in the right direction and on the verge of the playoffs. Yay 12th Man!

St. Louis Rams: 6-10
I believe in Spags. This team will be better than you think. You won't want to play them with a playoff spot on the line, YOU BEST BELEEE DAT.

Arizona Cardinals: 5-11
Think you're going to be a good team with Derek Anderson as your starting quarterback? HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! I LAUGH IN YOUR FACE ARIZONA! They better pray that Kurt Warner gets eliminated from Dancing with the Stars ASAP so they can drag his old ass out of retirement.

WILD CARD PLAYOFFS

6) Ravens over 3) Patriots
4) Chargers over 5) Colts

3) Giants over 6) Falcons
4) 49ers over 5) Vikings**

** = Brett Favre throws an interception to end his career. Again.

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS

6) Ravens over 1) Steelers
2) Texans over 4) Chargers

3) Giants over 2) Packers
1) Saints over 4) 49ers

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS

2) Texans over 6) Ravens
3) Giants over 1) Saints

SUPER BOWL XLV

New York Giants over Houston Texans

I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING!!! The Giants will not only beat up on their NFC East foes from Texas, the Cowgirls, but they will then beat up on the other team from the Lone Star State! Equal opportunity ass kickings! In the Cowgirls home stadium! It doesn't get much better than that. The Victor Cruz Era in New York begins with an absolute bang as the New York Football Giants are Super Bowl Champions for the 2nd time in 4 years! The entire left side of my body is going numb just thinking about the possibility of this happening. I think I need to see a doctor.