Monday Morning Brain Fart - 8/24

The Yankees - Red Sawx game Friday night was one of the most unwatchable games I have seen in a long time. Now don't get me wrong, it was phenomenal to see every single Yanks hitter beating the brains out of whatever pitcher the Sawx put out on the mound, but at the same time the Yankee pitching wasn't terribly great. Andy Pettitte struggled mostly through his 5 innings, which was fine because the Yanks already had a huge lead, but then Brian Bruney came in and it all went down hill. There are few things more annoying in life then watching a pitcher trying to nibble on the corners when his team has a 12 run lead. Just throw strikes, let them put it in play, and let your defense do the work. My old baseball coaches used to pull pitchers out of the game if they were walking batters when we had a huge lead. Bruney couldn't find the plate and began walking every Sawx batter in sight, giving them and their Masshole fans false hope that they could actually get back in the game. Damaso Marte then did his job, before Sergio Mitre came in and did his best Bruney impersonation. Truly awful to watch. But alas, a win's a win.

And while we're on the subject of the Red Sawx, how's all that "smart money" they spent in the offseason looking now? Everyone at ESPN was licking their balls over the money they spent on Brad Penny, John Smoltz and Jason Varitek, and how they were getting "better value" and other nonsense for their money than the Yankees, who spent a fortune on CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett and Mark Teixeira. Well, Penny sucks, Smoltz was worse and has since been released, and Varitek is one of the worst hitters in the league. I don't care how well he can call a game, he is close to an automatic out in that lineup, plus he couldn't throw me out if I was trying to steal second, and I am fat and slow. And can he please take that stupid "C" off of his jersey? This isn't hockey. Meanwhile, CC is a Cy Young candidate, AJ is pitching great (before that debacle on Saturday of course), and Tex is in the running for MVP. Smart money, indeed.

We also watched bits and pieces of The Dark Knight and No Country for Old Men. First on The Dark Knight: I could watch this movie 5 times a day and it would never get old. It's shot beautifully and the score is absolutely incredible. But most of all, the acting is top notch. Everyone in the movie is great, most of all Heath Ledger as the Joker. It's a shame he had to go and kill himself, because I would have loved to have seen him in more Batman movies. As for No Country, I have to say that it's not as good as everyone makes it out to be. It's entertaining and the acting is good, but then the ending comes, and it just comes across as pretentious. Basically, everyone dies, the bad guy gets in an accident and disappears, then Tommy Lee Jones talks about a dream he had about his dead father. That's it, that's the end. It's trying to be too artsy for it's own good, just so people who think they know film can call the Coen Brothers "geniuses." I call them "overrated," at least as far as this movie is concerned.

We saw a little bit of the Vikings - Chiefs preseason game, which was of course Brett Favre's first action in a Minnesota uniform. First off, you all know my feelings on Mr. Favre and his annual ridiculous bouts with indecision, so I don't need to get into that here. But I will say that it looks incredibly weird seeing Favre wearing purple. It didn't look that strange last year with him in a Jets uniform because they were green like the Packers, but the Vikings uniform is different. If I was a Packers fan, I would have a hard time forgiving him for this, and if I was a Vikings fan, I would have a hard time rooting for him. That would be like Eli Manning choosing to play in Philadelphia or Dallas at the end of his career, or Tony Romo or Donovan McNabb coming to play for the Giants at the end of theirs. I'm not sure if I could handle that. Apart from this, the best part of the Vikings - Chiefs game was when the Chiefs came out for their first defensive series in a 3-4 defense. Color commentator Mike Mayock was saying something along the lines of how difficult it is to play center against a 3-4 because against a 4-3 defense, you have the tackles over both your shoulders, but against a 3-4, you "have a big sweaty nose tackle sitting right on your face." I don't know about you, but I would hate it if there was a big sweaty nose tackle sitting on my face. Ewwwwwwwww. I wonder if these commentators actually think about what they're going to say before they say it.

I went to Hoboken today for lunch with the woman. We went to the Mile Square Bar and Grill on Washington St., and the food was pretty good even though the choices were scant. The best part, aside from the company of course, was the Newcastle Brown Ale draught I had. Just an excellent beer. I highly recommend it if you haven't had it, though I assume most of you have. We then went to Cold Stone for dessert, which as I'm sure you all know is ridiculously delicious. I had a chocolate and peanut butter milk shake. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. The only downside to the afternoon is how incredibly humid and gross it is outside. I took 3 steps outside and I already looked like I had run around in a sprinkler. It certainly doesn't help that I'm a fat ass, but still, this is disgusting. The fall can't come soon enough!

I just watched The Mask on ABC Family channel, and during one of the commercial breaks, they advertised for one of their shows called The Secret Life of an American Teenager, or something like that. In an upcoming episode, one of the guest stars is Rumer Willis, who is the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Unfortunately for her, she got none of Demi's looks and all of Bruce's. Picture Bruce Willis with long chick hair, and you know what she looks like. Plus she has a very manly jaw. I know it's mean, but OUCH.

We're watching the Giants second preseason game against the Bears while we play a little beirut (also referred to as beer pong by people not in the know), and they look absolutely awful. Jay Cutler is carving them up, Matt Forte is running around wherever he wants, and it doesn't look like our special teams remembers how to tackle a kick returner. The offense isn't fairing much better either. It also looks like we lost Jay Alford for the year after another Giant was blocked into his knee and it got bent in a way that knees aren't supposed to be bent. Obviously at this moment, there's no certainty that he tore anything, but it didn't look pretty and would be a huge loss for us, not only because he's a big part of our defensive line rotation, but also because he's our long snapper on field goals and extra points. Not good. People need to stop talking about how great our depth is on the defensive line, because all of them seem to be getting hurt these days. The combination of this game and all of the injuries to the Giants during training camp is not a good sign for the upcoming season. But then again it is training camp, so we'll see!

A bunch of us went to the Jersey City Beer Gardens tonight, which, in my opinion, is as close to heaven as you will ever get here on Earth. I'll get into it in a little more depth in a later post, but the combination of good food, good people, huge screens to watch football on, more great beers than you can dream about and the fact that it's in New Jersey make it one of my favorite places to go. My pants are getting a little tighter just thinking about it. We followed that up with a little trip to the Golden Cicada, where we had some beers and watched our tennis-playing friend Joseph embarrass himself in Wii Tennis. Suffice it to say, his skills from the tennis court do not translate to the Wii. We then got A-1 and had our traditional late-night bacon sandwiches, then got home and watched some of Pineapple Express, which is a hilarious movie that has the most violence you will ever see in a comedy. Do yourself a favor and see it if you haven't already.

This afternoon we saw Inglourious Basterds in theaters, and it was AWESOME. It was very violent and bloody, but actually not as violent as I had originally anticipated. Brad Pitt was incredible, and Christoph Waltz as Colonel Hans Landa and Melanie Laurent as Shosanna Dreyfus were even better. The movie was about 2 and a half hours long, but at no time did you ever think it was dragging. Great story, great acting, great everything. I absolutely loved it - go see it now. I also watched Beerfest this afternoon on Comedy Central, edited and with commercials (even though I own the DVD). A classic movie, and definitely Broken Lizard's best work. I don't care what people say about Super Troopers, Beerfest is the best.

HUGE HOME RUN BY A-ROD!!! He just took a hanging Josh Beckett curveball and lined it into the Green Mawnstah seats. Looks like the Yanks have Beckett's number tonight as they've already scored 7 off of him through 5 innings. Too bad I have to suffer through all the aspects of ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball coverage that make it so torturous: the long commercial breaks and the horrendous announcing of Jon Miller, Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips. Miller isn't terrible but can get annoying, Morgan is an idiot, and I'd tell Phillips to go back to being a General Manager, but he sucked at that too. The insight that Morgan provides during the game is priceless. For example, he told us tonight that "lots of bats have been shattering over the past couple of years." Really Joe? Bats have been shattering the past few years? I HAD NO IDEA!!!! THANKS!!!

A quick note here: You'll notice in my profile section on the upper right-hand part of the website that I now have an email address for the blog. It's jerseyisbest@gmail.com. So if there's anything you want me to write about, any questions you possibly could have for me, any guest-writer submissions you would like to send me, or if you just want to shoot me an email about how much of an idiot I am, that's the address to do it at. Keep commenting on the posts on the site though! Also, I'm thinking about caving in and losing a piece of what little manhood I have left by joining Twitter. Good idea?

Ugh. Another week of work.

2009 NFL Preview: AFC South

Tennessee Titans
Record Last Year: 13-3
Record This Year: 13-3

Team Overview:
The Titans won the division last year behind the strength of an overwhelming defense, a superb running game, and steady quarterback play from Kerry Collins, a man I will always have a soft-spot in my heart for (he quarterbacked my Giants to their appearance in Super Bowl XXXV, a game whose result we need not discuss - but hey! We'll always have 41-0). Anyway, mostly all of the players from last year return, with the notable exception of defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth, who - go figure! - the Redskins decided to grossly overpay. Because of this, I fully expect them to defend their title. Another reason they'll defend is because they have the next black quarterback to win a Super Bowl, and a future Hall-of-Famer... on their bench. Those are of course the words of the immortal Vince Young, who seems to think rather highly of himself for a guy whose career has been an unmitigated disaster ever since he was drafted, and who was not only thinking of quitting the game last year, but allegedly was clinically depressed. Titans fans: better hope Kerry stays healthy and away from the sauce!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Chris Johnson - 99 speed and 98 acceleration for a 23 year old are the only stats you need to know about this burner. Running backs are useless in Madden unless they are fast as hell, and Johnson is fast as, well, hell. Believe me, hell is fast. Send him out on a swing pattern and watch him burn linebackers all day long. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Nate Washington - "Steve, there is nothing funny or ridiculous about Washington's name!" is most likely what you're thinking right now. And you're right. But if you are like Scotty E., then you know that he has an absurd man-crush on the man he lovingly refers to as "Nate Wash." He owns a Nate Wash Steeler's jersey. I guarantee he's the only person in the world other than Nate Wash's mama who owns that jersey. It's sick on some levels, but admirable on others.

Indianapolis Colts
Record Last Year: 12-4
Record This Year: 12-4

Team Overview:
Yeah I know, I picked the Titans to have the same record as last year, and now I'm picking the Colts to have the same record as last year as well. But trust me, I'm right, and like I said before, you can take it to Vegas. But anyway, despite their 12-4 record last year, it seemed like the Colts had somewhat of a down year. Eli's older brother Peyton was NFL MVP, but he needed to be, because the offensive line was suspect, the running game was mediocre at best, Marvin Harrison played like he was 89 years old, and the defense was soft, as usual. This year things should be different. They'll be a better 12-4, if that makes any sense. They drafted Donald Brown out of UConn to help with the running game, Anthony Gonzalez has taken over for Marvin Harrison, and they have signed a bunch of fatties to play defensive tackle so teams don't run all over them like they have in the past. But of course, Peyton is so good, he could quarterback an Arena League (too soon?) team to a 10-6 record in the NFL, so expect the Colts to be in the playoffs.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
No one - There is literally no one on this team that you need for your Madden franchise. Peyton Manning is slow, and running quarterbacks are always better. Dwight Freeney is too old, so you can't progress him at all. Same with Bob Sanders. Cornerback Tim Jennings is fast, but he couldn't catch a soft pillow, and Reggie Wayne is slow for a receiver. So I recommend nobody.

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Michael Tauiliili - Any time you can fit that many i's into the end of a last name, you are a shoe-in for Scotty's fantasy team. I would venture a guess at this guy being from Hawaii, but he went to Duke, so who the heck knows. Ridiculous name, and it's going to take me a while to figure out how the hell to even pronounce it.

Houston Texans
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 9-7

Team Overview:
The Texans have been a tease for a couple of years now. Every year, the "experts" pick them to take the big step forward and contend for the playoffs. And every year for the past 2, they've finished 8-8, the pinnacle of mediocrity. Well trust me when I say, that this is the still not the year where they will contend for the playoffs, but instead breakthrough that pesky 8-8 barrier to finish exactly 1 game better. Baby steps! QB Matt Schaub can never seem to stay healthy, but they better hope he does this year, because the 2 backups are Dan Orlovsky, who is most famous for accidentally running out of the back of the endzone for a safety last year with the Lions, and Rex Grossman, who just plain sucks. Luckily for them, whoever is at QB gets to throw to Andre Johnson, who is an absolute monster, and hand it to Steve Slaton, who is a stud at running back. Also, that pick of Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and Vince Young is looking better and better everyday.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Mario Williams - The 24 year old defensive end is already a 95 overall, with 84 speed and 94 acceleration, which is nasty speed for a guy at his position. It's a guarantee that he'll be a 99 overall after 1 year of your franchise. Line him up at right defensive end and watch the sacks pile up. He's a guy you can build your defensive line around and kick some serious ass with. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Rex Grossman - I would have said linebacker Toddrick Verdell, because it's not everyday you see a first name like Toddrick, but Scotty needs a QB for his team, so Rex it is. You just can't resist a guy on your team with the nickname "Sexy Rexy," who also can be called a Gross Man merely because his great grandparents were too dumb when they got to Ellis Island and refused to change their last name. Ouch.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Record Last Year: 5-11
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
Yep, Jacksonville is the third team in this division I am picking to have the same record as last year. Not too many things are going to change I guess. But either way, it's hard to see how Jacksonville is going to be better this year. QB David Garrard had a great season in 2007, so they signed him to a huge contract, and it turns out he really isn't that good. Surprise! Major props to Mr. Garrard for fooling Jacksonville into giving him so much money. You are living the American dream sir, and I applaud you. Their offensive line was crap last year and gave stud running back Maurice Jones-Drew nowhere to run, so they drafted a couple of rookies to shore that up. Of course, that means the line will be better in a couple of years when the rookies are good, not this year. The Jags' WRs last year were also one of the worst collection of WRs you will ever see on God's green earth. For their sake, newcomer Torry Holt better have some magic left in those old legs of his. If defensive ends Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves, who were drafted 2 years ago to give them a pass rush, actually learn how to russ the pasher, then the defensive could be solid, but I have my doubts. All 6 Jaguars fans are going to be very sad this year.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Eugene Monroe - The Jaguars first round pick this year at left tackle is already an 82 overall at the pre-pubescent age of 22 (What? You went through puberty before 22?). Offensive linemen progress really easily, so he'll be one of the league's elite left tackles in no time. Too bad he won't be that good that quickly in real life. Sorry Jacksonville! Madden is fake! Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Atiyyah Ellison - Apparently Scotty loves defensive players on his fantasy team, because I believe this defensive tackle would be the pick over other hopefuls like Uche Nwaneri and Mesphin Forrester. The thing that puts Mr. Ellison over the top is that double Y in Atiyyah. Talk about rare! We've found the treasure, the pot at the end of the rainbow! Hallelujah!

2009 NFL Preview: AFC West

It is football time again! And New Jersey is Clean, Idiots is bringing you the only NFL Preview that you'll need to get ready for the coming season. Sports Illustrated's preview magazine? Eh. ESPN? What do they know? Sporting News? They're still in print?

Over the next 4 weeks I will preview each division in the league, doing 2 divisions per week. Each team's preview will follow this simple format:

Team Record:
The team's record from last year, then what their record will be this year. I can see the future, so I recommend you head to Vegas after seeing my predictions.

Team Overview:
Self-explanatory I would think.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Certain traits for players are more important than others in Madden franchises, which occasionally leads to the odd bench player in real life being better in Madden than an actual superstar. I'll tell you which guy that is.

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
I thought about telling you who from each team I would want for my fantasy football team, but then that would just be me giving away my secrets now wouldn't it? So instead, I decided to give you a player based on my friend Scotty's method of drafting, which is to draft players for his team based on how ridiculous/funny their names are. It's a winning strategy if I ever saw one.

So without further ado, I give you my first division for my 2009 NFL Preview, the AFC West!

AFC West

San Diego Chargers
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 11-5

Team Overview:
The Chargers had a bit of a down year last year, only making the playoffs after finishing the season winning 3 in a row, all while the Broncos were busy choking away what was a 3 game lead in the division with 3 games to go. Philip Rivers had an absolutely monster year, and looks to continue that same success this year. He also hopes that this year LaDainian Tomlinson will remember how to actually run the ball for positive yardage, thereby easing the load off of him slightly. The defense should be back to dominant once again in coordinator Ron Rivera's first full year in charge. Last year they began the year with Ted Cottrell as their defensive coordinator, who we all know is not actually a good football coach. How that guy keeps getting jobs is beyond me. But anyway, Shawne Merriman and his terrible mohawk are back at full strength, so that should help. Expect San Diego to run away with this division.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Antonio Cromartie - We all know speed kills in Madden, and this cornerback for "A Whale's Vagina" is the fastest on the team with a 95 speed rating. More importantly, however, he has a 98 jump rating, which is key for a cornerback, and an 80 catch rating, which is imperative if you want to get a lot of interceptions. He has a better catch rating than all but 1 of their receivers. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Legedu Naanee - This was a tough one, as San Diego had many worthy competitors for this title, like Ogemdi Nwagbuo and Wopamo Osaisai, but in the end Naanee won out. Something about those double vowels twice in the last name really make it roll of the tongue in a smooth manner.

Denver Broncos
Record Last Year: 8-8
Record This Year: 6-10

Team Overview:
The Broncos had a 3 game lead over the Chargers with 3 games to go in the season last year, but they managed to choke on their own vomit and lose the division. So with that, heads began to roll, and ultimately head coach Mike Shanahan, one of the most respected coaches in the league, was fired. In his place came Josh McDaniels, the next in line of crappy head coaches from the Bill Belichick coaching tree. McDaniels promptly aliented starting QB Jay Cutler because he has a man crush on Matt Cassel, so Cutler ended up crying his way out of town to Chicago. His replacement at QB? Kyle Orton. Oh boy... I hope Denver fans have fun talking themselves into thinking they can have success with Orton. Now WR Brandon Marshall is upset about his contract, though I think he should be more worried about the fact that he seems to enjoy beating his girlfriend up on a regular basis. But that's just me I guess. All in all for Denver, not a recipe for success.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Ryan Clady - Already an 88 overall at the young age of 23, Clady is a LT you can build your offensive line around. Young players in Madden usually always progress at a rapid pace, and if you spend 2 seasons with Clady as your starting LT, he'll be a 95 in no time, and a stalwart for you for years to come... until of course you draft another young lineman. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Kory Lichtensteiger - The second year guard from Bowling Green has a last name that sounds like an exotic German pilsner. Scotty loves beer. 'Nuff said.

Kansas City Chiefs
Record Last Year: 2-14
Record This Year: 6-10

Team Overview:
Last year the Chiefs were pathetic, finishing with 2 wins. Larry Johnson was hurt and/or suspended all the time, Tyler Thigpen (who?) was their starting QB after they finally figured out that the only redeeming quality about Brodie Croyle as the QB was his hot wife watching from the stands, and their defense couldn't stop my grandma from running up the middle - and that's POST knee replacement. So like Denver, they fired everyone, including Head Coach Herman "You Play... to win... the Game!" Edwards. Ex-Arizona Cardinals offensive coordinator Todd Haley is the new head coach, and if he would just stop yelling for a moment, he might see that this is perhaps a team on the rise. If Matt Cassel isn't a one-year wonder, then they're set at QB for the next 7 years. Larry Johnson is supposedly healthy once again, and Dwayne Bowe is a stud at wide receiver. They also signed Giants great Amani Toomer, who is always well-dressed. And remember, if all else fails, they can just send Bernard Pollard after the opposing quarterback's knees every game! Things are lookin' up!

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Well, when you go 2-14 the previous year, Madden doesn't take too kindly to anyone on your roster. But I suppose if I had to pick someone, it'd be RB Jamaal Charles. With 93 speed and 96 acceleration at the age of 23, he makes for a good 4th-string running back on your team.

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Rudy Niswanger - You certainly never draft offensive linemen for your fantasy team, but in my world, and for the purposes of this blog, you most certainly do. Plus, any guy with the word wang in his name is a lock for Scotty's team.

Oakland Raiders
Record Last Year: 5-11
Record This Year: 5-11

Team Overview:
This team is in complete disarray, mostly because owner Al Davis is 856 years old and still thinks he can run the team competently. Tom Cable, who took over as interim head coach part-way through last year after Lane Kiffin was fired, was hired on a permanent basis during the offseason, then proceeded to punch one of his assistants in the jaw. Progress! Also, their prized, franchise quarterback, JaMarcus Russell, is consistently overweight and lacks leadership skills. Oh boy! At least they have Darren McFadden at running back, who is able to take it to the house any time he touches the ball. They also have the best cornerback in the league in Nnamdi Asomugha, who is the very definition of the shutdown corner. Otherwise, they have next-to-nothing. I would kill myself if I was a Raiders fan.

Player on this team you NEED for your Madden franchise:
Darrius Heyward-Bey - 97 speed and 97 acceleration for a 22 year old wide receiver? Sign me up! I'll line him up in the slot, and on the plays where the defense brings their safeties up to the line, I'll just audible to a fly-pattern for him, send him deep, and chuck the ball as far as I can, then watch another 6 go up on the board. Trade for him!

Guy you would draft for your fantasy team if you drafted like Scotty E.:
Chaz Schilens - I believe he's already hurt himself in training camp this year, but who cares? Chaz is always a crowd-pleasing first name, and for whatever reason it makes me think porn star. And who wouldn't want porn star Chaz on their fantasy team?

New York Giants football is back!

The last time the Giants and Carolina Panthers faced off was during week 16 last year, a winner-take-all match for home field advantage in the NFC playoffs at Giants Stadium. I remember it well, because I was there, freezing my nuts off in sub-zero temperatures rooting on my beloved Big Blue. The Giants would win on a Brandon Jacobs rushing touchdown in overtime, putting the icing on the cake of the one of the greatest games I had ever seen.

Well tonight, the Panthers returned to Giants Stadium looking for revenge, looking for retribution, looking for blood, looking for... a win in a preseason game. Don't think that just because it was preseason I wouldn't be excited, because I definitely was. Something may or may not be wrong with me. Here are some of my thoughts on the affair:

Eli Manning's jersey looks a little tighter this year. Perhaps he beefed up in the offseason and is looking to show the ladies exactly what they're missing and what Abby gets to take advantage of every single night. HOTTIE.

It was great to see Osi Umenyiora back on the field for the G-Men. He and Justin Tuck are going to make quarterbacks wake up in a cold sweat every night the week before they play the Giants. I can't wait to see what happens! Low and behold, Jake Delhomme was already running for his life not long after this game started.

Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw showed how great a 1-2 punch they can be this year in this game. Big Boy Rumblin' (as many of my cohorts likes to refer to Jacobs) did his usual punishing work between the tackles, while Ahmad looked like a mini freight train plowing through the Carolina defenders, most notably Chris Gamble on his way to the end zone. Bradshaw runs unbelievably hard and is really tough to bring down for a small guy. I love it.

David Carr scrambled on one play for a first down, looking like a white Michael Vick in the process! And by that of course I mean he has goo speed and slick moves, not... well, you know.

Lawrence Tynes of course missed his first field goal attempt from 43 yards. He would later hit from 46, but I do not trust him at all. He sucks. Yeah, he hit the winning field goal in overtime of the 07 NFC Championship game in Green Bay to send us to the Super Bowl, but that was after he absolutely blew his first two chances. We have to put up with 4 more years of his crappy field goal kicking?!?! HE MAKES EXTRA POINTS AN ADVENTURE. I can already feel my blood pressure rising.

Stoney Woodson, our 7th round pick out of South Carolina, had an interception for the Giants in this game. I wonder if Stoney is his given name from birth, or if it's a well-earned nickname for perhaps enjoying the kind herb just a little too much. If that's the case, shhhhhhhhhhh. No one tell Roger Goodell!

Among the rookies, I thought Clint Sintim was particularly impressive, as he was all over the Carolina quarterbacks. He looks like a clone of Justin Tuck: a ridiculously muscular, freak athlete. He should be fun to watch. Ramses Barden is another monster we added to our team in the offseason. 6'6" at wide receiver?! When he adjusts to playing the position at the NFL level after going to college at D 1-AA Cal Poly, he could be better than Plax. I'm giddy with excitement.

As for the other guys fighting for roster spots, I thought RB Danny Ware was great. He showed some Derrick Ward-like skills in taking the screen pass he caught to the house for 6. I thought QB Andre Woodson was crap. He made some bad decisions, and threw a really bad interception. It's not looking good for him. And while Sinorice Moss could be a good receiver if he ever stayed healthy, he sucks as a kick returner. Too much dancing, not enough running. Get someone else back there, Tom.

Finally, I think the ending of this game is the greatest, most dramatic ending in the history of the preseason - I kid you not! It was 17-17 when the Giants went three and out and punted it back to the Panthers with about 15 seconds left in regulation. We were staring down the gauntlet at overtime in a preseason game. Ugh. But then as time was expiring and Carolina was running their last play, some guy named Leger Douzable on the Giants who doesn't have a shot in hell of making this team sacked the quarterback, forcing a fumble. Tommie Hill, a defensive end who also will never see the field in the regular season, picked it out of the air and returned it for a touchdown. Giants win! TheEeEeEeEeEeeee Giants win!

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 8/17

The DirecTV PGA Championship mix channel is awesome. You get the main channel, the marquee group - which is always Tiger's group, the par 3s, and an in-depth player profile channel, all mixed onto one screen. You can then select which specific channel you want watch full screen. This is great because we could just watch Tiger the whole time and not waste our time on other golfers we couldn't give a rat's ass about. Phil Mickelson is certainly worth the ass of a rat, however, he has been out of this tournament for a while.

Mark Sanchez to David Clowney! Not bad for his first pass in the NFL, despite the fact that it's in a preseason game. I can tell you that Rory was certainly excited. But the most important thing to consider here is how you could ever be taken seriously as a football player when your last name is Clowney. It doesn't exactly exude toughness and bravado, but instead evokes the image of a mascot who scares the hell out of little children and cackles in creepy ways. He could get very creative with his touchdown dances, however, playing off of the clown character, though we know he'll get fined excessively by the No Fun League for that. Also, it was good to see my man Spags in the house too. He'll be great for St. Louis as their head coach, and we'll certainly miss him with the Giants.

We visited some of Jersey City's finest drinking establishments Friday night. There was the York St. Tavern, which occasionally resembles one of the dance clubs in the Step Up movies, the Iron Monkey, which features a delightful open-air deck to hang out on, and of course, the Golden Cicada, which is one of the most obscure whole-in-the-wall bars you will ever go to. It's literally a small brick box with no windows that is run by the chinese mafia and is a purveyor of only the finest chinese moonshines. Mmmmmmmmm, delicious. And very classy, I might add.

I just watched "What Happens in Vegas" with Rory, the man who loves romantic comedies just a liiiiiiittle too much. It was predictably awful, mainly because Ashton Kutcher is one of the most horrific actors you will ever see on the big screen. There were a few decent moments, but mostly it was pretty stupid and completely predictable - and yet I found it oddly entertaining. I now hate myself.

The English Premier League is back! Thank Christ because now I have something to watch on Saturday mornings when I wake up before college football comes on. My favorite team is Queens Park Rangers, or QPR as they're more commonly known, but they are in England's second division and are not good enough to be on TV here in America. So today I had to settle for Everton and Arsenal. Final score: 6-1 Arsenal. Ouch. Poor Tim Howard, who is Everton's goalie, and of course the main man in goal for the US men's team. And poor my fantasy team, whose goalie is none other than Tim Howard. An inauspicious start to the season for my team, to be sure.

I just read that Andre Brown, the Giants 4th round pick who was going to be either our 3rd or 4th running back behind Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad "Man Crush" Bradshaw this year, ruptured his achilles tendon during practice Friday night and is out for the year. It's definitely a shame because not only do you hate to see someone's season end before it even begins, but he was reminding a lot of people of Derrick Ward, so this could potentially be a big loss for the G-Men. Danny Ware - time to step up.

I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden this weekend Megan became a psycho golf fan, when before she couldn't have cared less about the sport. It started on Thursday when she told me she was watching it at work, which I just figured was because she was bored. But it turned out to be a serious weekend obsession, as I could not drag her away from the golf on TV. She says it's because it's Tiger's last chance to win a major this year and she's rooting for him, but I think it's because she thinks Vijay Singh is a hottie.

I finally overcame my arch-nemesis Rory in our Madden 07 franchise this afternoon. It was a close game in the 4th quarter until I blocked a punt and subsequently scored on the following drive, putting the game out of reach. Lately he has been killing me, so this made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I'll see you in the playoffs, Ror! One more thing about our franchise - I am the Cleveland Browns, but am moving them out of Cleveland after this season to become the Anchorage Baboons. Yes Cleveland, that's right, your football team is leaving you again. Browns fans must be suicidal at the thought of this happening. And yes, Madden is real.

We just saw The Goods in theaters. It was pretty good (no pun intended), and had some ridiculously funny moments. I also thought that Jeremy Piven did a decent enough job of making you forget about Ari Gold, as his character in the movie was different enough from Entourage's best character. But I couldn't help but think that it could have been just a little bit better. It cut some corners on the story, which sometimes you can forgive if the movie is completely hilarious, but this one wasn't. The Goods - Good, not great, and slightly unsatisfying. Not a DVD purchase.

My family had a BBQ this afternoon with some very close family friends that we hadn't seen in a long time. Good times were had by all as it was great catching up with them. Afterwards, I was VERY surprised to find out that Tiger had choked all over his lead on Sunday at the PGA Championship and had lost a major for the first time in his career after leading after the 3rd round. He lost to some guy name Y. E Yang. Y.E. Yang? Who the hell is that? Sounds like some sort of chic Hollywood chinese food restaurant. But anyway, is this a bad sign for Tiger? Perhaps a sign that he actually is human and may be slightly declining after dominating all these years? I think he'll be fine, but whereas it was a virtual certainty that he was going to catch Jack Nicklaus' record of major victories not too long ago, I'm not so sure that that same guarantee exists anymore. We shall see.

We watched Tomorrow Never Dies tonight, which is Pierce Brosnan's second-best Bond film, behind Goldeneye of course. Brosnan was a really good Bond, and though the movies got really stupid after Tomorrow, I was always entertained by them. But after watching him as Bond for the first time in a while tonight, it was really clear how much better of a Bond Daniel Craig is. The last two Bond films starring Craig, Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace, were far and away better films than any that Brosnan did. I couldn't get over how good Casino Royale was after I had seen it, and I can still watch it over and over again without it getting old. I hope Craig does 15 more Bond films, they're that good.

Ugh. Another week of work.