Look who you have to root for now Philly!

That's right Philadelphia! You, the "City of Brotherly Love" (one of the most misleading nicknames in history, by the way) will now root for a man who tortured and killed dogs, such as these little guys:



I bet Donovan McNabb is really happy about Vick breathing down his neck, just waiting for him to get injured, or start sucking, so he can take his place. But wait, the starting quarterback position may not be the only thing Michael Vick takes from you, Donovan!



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT THE CHUNKY SOUP COMMERCIALS TOO!!!! Of all the horror! Not only will you lose your spot on the team Donovan, but Vick is going to take your biggest endorsement, and your mom to boot!

And by the way Mr. Vick, as a Giants fan, I only used to dislike you. Now I hate you. Sorry!

Same ol' same ol' for US at Mexico

Going into yesterday's World Cup qualifier against Mexico at the Azteca Stadium in Mexico City, the US had a history of futility playing on Mexican soil, going 0-22-1. 19 of those games were played at the Azteca, where they were 0-18-1. Not good. But coming off their success at the Confederations Cup, this looked to be a different US team, a more confident US team. Yes, they lost the Gold Cup final to Mexico 5-0 only a couple of weeks ago, but that was a B team of guys who should barely sniff the field come World Cup time (save for a handful), so you could discount that result. A US win would have been historic, and at the same time would have put Mexico in real danger of missing out on the World Cup completely. But alas, it was not to be, as the US put in a performance that reminded you of so many other trips to Mexico City, predictably losing after Mexico dominated them for most of the game.

The first thing that confused the hell out of me was that Bob Bradley started Brian Ching instead of Jozy Altidore up front, and Steve Cherundolo instead of Jonathan Spector at right back. Neither of these moves made sense seeing as Jozy and Charlie Davies have been our best forward pair by far in a long time, and Ching never really seems to make an impact during big, important games. Spector also had a great Confederations Cup, whereas Cherundolo was coming off of an injury. Both of these moves turned out to be a mistake as Ching was nearly invisible throughout the match, and when he actually did get a touch, it was usually poor. Cherundolo was also bad in this match as he repeatedly was burned on the left flank by Mexican attackers. But despite these personnel missteps, the US took a surprising 1-0 lead in the 9th minute after Landon Donovan sent a beautiful ball through to Charlie Davies, who busted in on goal and finished cleanly. It was the kind of start the US had dreamed of, and one you would have thought would put Mexico in a funk and take the crowd out of the match because they would be dreading the worst. The opposite happened, however, and Mexico was spurred to life, dominating the rest of the first half and owning nearly all of the possession. It was only a matter of time before they scored, and they duly obliged in the 19th minute when Israel Castro hit an unstoppable shot from 25 yards out after no US defender closed him down, presumably because they were gassed from spending all of their time in the defensive zone. The US would have a chance to clear after regaining possession, and then either clear it out of bounds, or send it straight to a Mexican player. It also wasn't a good thing that the first half ended with Oguchi Onyewu, Jay Demerit, and Carlos Bocanegra all having received yellow cards during the half, meaning they couldn't be overly aggressive in the second half for fear of being sent off.

The second half began much like the first had ended, with Mexico enjoying most, if not all, of the possession, which resulted in many good chances on goal, most notably Giovani Dos Santos' chance in the 59th that Tim Howard made a spectacular save on. Ching was mercifully subbed out soon after, along with Ricardo Clark, who was equally ineffective. In their places came Stuart Holden and Benny Feilhaber, and thanks to Holden, the US attack was spurred on for a brief period. In the 71st minute Holden burst down the right flank and sent in a picture perfect cross to Davies, who just barely missed getting his head on it to send it on goal. Shortly thereafter, the US had another chance where Davies broke in on goal alone, but he was ruled to be offside just barely. Things got chippy soon after, as they usually do during a US-Mexico match. Davies was laying on the turf due to cramps, but the Mexico players assumed he was wasting time, so they tried grabbing him and picking him up, which Benny and the rest of the US took offense to, so they ran to Davies aid. A small scuffle ensued, with Benny getting hit in the throat and a yellow card being given to the Mexican who hit him. Altidore came on for Davies at this point, but it did nothing to help a US defense that couldn't get out of their own zone for the life of them. The constant Mexican possession once again told, as Miguel Sabah picked up a loose ball in the box and fired it past Howard for the game-winner. As a US fan you felt it coming, but it was nonetheless crushing, and as a result we left Mexico City with 0 points, whereas Mexico is back in the hunt and more assured of a World Cup birth.

The US was certainly done no favors by the referee in this game, as it seemed Mexico was given the benefit of the doubt whenever he blew his whistle. But it was not the refereeing that lost this game for the US. They lost because, while the defense was resilient at times, they were unable to clear the ball effectively to start up any sort of attack. Against Spain and Brazil in the Confederations Cup, their clearances were mostly all effective, starting up a counter-attacking game that you knew the US would need to replicate to get a good result in Mexico. But this time, instead of the clearances getting to Michael Bradley or Clint Dempsey, they either went to a Mexican player, or to no one in particular, which is why Mexico dominated possession throughout. In the high-altitude, smog-filled Azteca, you knew this kind of dominance would eventually tire out the US defense, which it ultimately did. I also think they were undone by Nery Castillo's horrific unibrow, which I would think would make it impossible to concentrate on the ball when a man that ugly is trying to take it from you:



Pretty bad right? But anyway, and all kidding aside, the US needs to be better at starting their attack from defensive clearances, and I think they will. Their next qualifier is September 5th against El Salvador, who are not the greatest team, so they should win convincingly. There were many lessons to be learned from our day at the Azteca, so hopefully this team continues to grow and build momentum towards South Africa 2010.

Monday Morning Brain Fart - 8/10

ATTENTION PLEASE: You can now stop your women and children from crying, because the Brain Fart is back!

I think it's impossible for the Yankees and the Red Sawx to play a game that finishes in a timely manner. It always seems that their games take over 4 hours, even when they end after your typical 9 innings. Perhaps it's because the pressure to beat each other is so great that both managers over-manage and make more moves than need to be made, therefore leading to greater length in game time. Or maybe it's just that the games are so good that they purposefully take forever so as to prolong the fans torture/ecstasy. Either way, Friday night was another example of a Yankees-Sawx game that took forever, this one going 15 innings and checking in at about 5 and a half hours. The Yanks had a couple of chances in the bottom of the 14th to win it, chances that may or may not have made Rory and I pee ourselves and Dad temporarily emerge from dozing off, but when those were turned away, we were sure the game was going to go 20 innings at least and keep us up until 6:00 am. Thankfully A-Rod, who is every Sawx fan's favorite Yankee, ended it with a walk-off home run in the 15th at about 1:00 am. Thank you A-Rod for letting me go to bed finally!

After finally emerging from my slumber on Saturday morning at around noon, I was treated to my mother's delicious homemade banana-blueberry pancakes. Mmmmmmmmmm. Then I was treated to something else, only this time it was sickening. It was David Ortiz' press conference addressing the report that he tested positive for steroids in 2003. First off let me begin by saying that they need to just release the whole list and get this over with for crying out loud. The slow trickle of names being released is slowly killing baseball. We get one name, then a few weeks to analyze it, then another few weeks to get over it and just concentrate on enjoying the game, and then BOOM! Another name. It's frustrating. Just release the damn list already. Second, this press conference was a farce. Ortiz gave the same old tired excuse that everyone did, that he never knowingly took steroids and that maybe it was a supplement he bought over the counter, yadda yadda yadda. CoughcoughcoughBULLSHIT!coughcoughcough. I wish someone would step up, be a man, and just say, "Yeah, I did steroids. They weren't outlawed by baseball at the time, and everyone was doing it, so I just figured I needed to get that extra edge to catch up with everyone else. Now they're banned by the sport, so I don't do them anymore, but they weren't banned back then, so why shouldn't I have done it?" It would be refreshing, to say the least, but don't count on it ever happening. No players have the balls to say that, nor would the player's union ever let them. Shame.

I had my first live fantasy draft Saturday at my cousin's in Pennsyltucky. This one was unusual though in that most of the participants in the league have kids, all of which were running around screaming there heads off trying to get their daddy's attention while he decided whether or not he should gamble a pick on Reggie Bush now that his woman has left him and he no longer has that big booty to go home to. It was really quite funny actually. The live drafts are fun though, as it's way easier to make fun of someone's ridiculous pick in person than to have to type it into an instant messenger window. My team is amazing, by the way, and if any of you in the league are reading this, you should probably just quit now. Yeah that's right, quit now, before the season has even started. My kicker is Phil Dawson - 'nuff said. A special shout out to my cousin Kevin here, who made the greatest pick in fantasy football history with his 1st round pick, the 1st overall pick of the entire draft: Eli Manning. Oh HELL YEAH.

Sunday, one of my best friends Holly and her fiancee Michael got married, so Megan, Rory and I got all spiffed up in our Sunday best and headed out to Cranbury, NJ for one helluva party. The event began with a pre-ceremony cocktail hour, which, to me, was a novel and fantastic idea, one that I had never seen before. Then came the ceremony, followed by the post-ceremony cocktail hour, and finally the reception. Good times were had by some incredibly good-looking people, and it was awesome to see Holly and Michael so ridiculously happy on the first day of the rest of their lives together. Congratulations to the both of you!

After the wedding, we went to an after-party with the newlyweds at the uber-classy Westin in Princeton, NJ. Those of us in Jersey City who took part in Suit Up! night know how classy a Westin can be, and can imagine the time that was had. Thankfully, they had the Yankees-Sawx game on there, and we were able to watch Johnny Damon and Mark Teixeira go BACK TO BACK, AND A BELLY TO BELLY!!! to send the Sawx back to Boston crying like little schoolgirls who just had their Jonas Brothers lunch box stolen from them. I was also able to show a few friends of mine who are Patriots fans the replay of Super Bowl XLII that I have on my iPhone, which is always a good time, especially when they get mad. Yes that's right, I have Super Bowl XLII on my iPhone. And yes, I watch it at least twice a week. Some might say I'm living in the past. I say I'm living in the moment, the greatest moment of my life.

Ugh. Another week of work.

Why New Jersey is Awesome: Reason 7

Eli Manning Lives Here

In light of Eli recently signing a contract extension that makes him the highest paid player in the NFL, I thought it appropriate to expand upon the fact that one of the best quarterbacks in the league makes his home in the great state of New Jersey, more specifically, in Hoboken. One would think that Eli would want to live in Manhattan since he is the quarterback of one of the most high-profile teams in the league, and therefore can afford the various overpriced luxuries that New York City has to offer. But no, not a down to earth gentleman like Mr. Manning. Classy men like him choose New Jersey over New York City every time.

Eli and the Giants agreed to a 6 year contract extension worth $97.5 million ($35 million guaranteed) that if you add to the one year left for $9.4 million he has on his current contract, means he'll be around for at least 7 more years for a total of $106.4 million. Sweet Jesus that is a lot of cash. Is Eli Manning deserving of this kind of payday? Let's explore.

Eli took over for Kurt Warner during the his rookie season of 2004 and experienced some severe growing pains, which included his fabled 0.0 QB Rating performance against the Baltimore Ravens that I thankfully was in London for. Had I been here in the States and had my own personal belongings to destroy, it's safe to say that my TV would have ended up out the window, my right hand would have been broken in 6 places, and I would have significantly less friends. But none of that happened so yay! Anyway, 2005 was Eli's first year as the full-time starter, and it was largely a success despite his usual inconsistency. He finished in the top 5 in the league in passing yards and touchdowns while leading the Giants to the NFC East title with an 11-5 record. They were then destroyed in the first round of the playoffs by the Carolina Panthers, 23-0, in a game most remembered by Tiki Barber's postgame tirade about not getting the ball enough. That remains one of only 2 Giants games in my ENTIRE LIFE that I turned off before it was over. The only other is Super Bowl XXXV where we were embarrassed by Baltimore. I never wore my Ike Hilliard jersey again after that one (tear). 2006 was a lot like 2005, with Eli being inconsistent but still putting up decent numbers. The Giants started the year 6-2, only to fade down the stretch and eventually lose to the Shitadelphia Eagles in the first round of the playoffs on a last-second field goal. God I hate the Eagles.

And then came 2007. Ahhh, 2007. The year started like 2006 did, with the Giants racing out to a 6-2 start (and by racing, I mean they were the worst team in history the first 2 games, then won 6 in a row. Suffice it enough to say that I was pooping myself during our 0-2 start). Eli was playing great and the defense was dominant. Then came the inevitable second half slide that began with a bad loss to the Cowboys that I blame on those ridiculous red jerseys we break out every once in a while. They are AWFUL. After that game Giants owner John Mara publicly questioned whether or not the Giants could win with Eli at the helm. He didn't answer that question very well, as two weeks later he threw 4 interceptions, 3 of which were returned for touchdowns, in a 41-17 loss to the Vikings. Eli also set a record for most incompletions in a game during a loss to the Redskins in week 15. They were not the most inspiring performances, and they led to a public outcry for Eli's head. Despite all this, the Giants won in Buffalo in week 16 to secure a spot in the playoffs, then played their best game of the year in week 17 against the undefeated Patriots, where Eli matched Tom Brady score for score until they finally lost at the very end. It was a good sign for the playoffs, and gave all us Giants fans hope that another first round exit may not have been in the cards.

The playoffs began with a convincing win at Tampa Bay, then continued with a great win against Tony Homo and the Cowboys in Dallas, after which Terrell Owens memorably cried during his press conference and I laughed extremely hard. Eli played great in both games; the throw he made on an out pattern to Kevin Boss as the first half was winding down in the Cowboys game was one of the most beautiful throws you will ever see a quarterback make, perfectly weighted with just the right amount of touch to get over 3 Cowboy defenders and settle into Boss' hands as he tiptoed along the sideline. Then came the NFC Championship game in Green Bay, where it was -2 degrees outside with a wind chill of -23, the third coldest game in NFL history. These were the types of conditions where Brett Favre normally thrived, while Eli normally was terrible. This, however, was not the case on this day, as Eli, with the help of a dominant Plaxico Burress, outplayed Favre in every way, leading the Giants to Super Bowl XLII after Lawrence Tynes hit his third attempt at a game winner in overtime (do we really have 4 more years of Lawrence Tynes? Crap). Now it was on to Glendale, Arizona for a rematch with the now 18-0 New England Patriots.

Super Bowl XLII was a defensive struggle until the 4th quarter, which began with the score 7-3 Patriots. Eli began the quarter by hitting Kevin Boss over the middle for a 45 yard catch and run. The drive ended with Eli hitting David Tyree for a touchdown on a beautiful play-action pass to make it 10-7 Giants. New England eventually responded to go up 14-10 with 2 and a half minutes left, at which time Eli walked on to the field for one final drive, to either become the most unlikely of Super Bowl Champions, or to go home second best. The Giants made their way to their own 44 yard line for a 3rd down and 5 with 1:15 left on the clock, when the following play happened that you may recall:



(Hold on one moment while Steve collects himself)

...

There we go. It was the greatest play in Super Bowl history, and it was the kind of play that big-time players make when their team needs it the most. Eli Manning made that play, miraculously escaping from the clutches of the Patriot defense and heaving a pass downfield that David Tyree improbably caught on his helmet, himself instantly becoming a hero. Manning would hit Plaxico Burress for the game-winning touchdown a few plays later, and the New York Giants were Super Bowl XLII Champions, beating the previously unbeatable Patriots. It was the greatest moment of my life, and led to me emptying my entire bank account and going completely broke on Giants Super Bowl memorabilia. Trust me when I say I would gladly do it again.



In 2008, the Giants began the year an incredible 11-1, with the defense again dominant and Eli seemingly taking the next step towards becoming an elite quarterback. That was, of course, until Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh, thereby ruining the Giants season, not to mention his own career. IDIOT. We eventually would lose to the Eagles again in the first round of the playoffs.

So now that we've made our way to the present time where Eli has received this exorbitant contract extension, I'm going to break out the Eli Manning Face Rating System to grade his career up to this point. Remember I introduced this rating system in my last entry, but was unable to use any faces because Megan Wants a Millionaire was so atrocious. So here it is, the first ever Eli Manning Face Rating System that will actually show the Faces, appropriately grading Eli Manning himself:



There you have it. 4 out of 5 Eli Manning Faces for Eli Manning. I didn't give him that last face for a perfect grade because he has yet to reach the point where he is consistently excellent. But don't think this is a bad grade. 4 Faces is a great grade, one he deserves due to leading my Giants to the most improbable Super Bowl Championship ever by driving them down the field in the last moments of the game under the most immense amount of pressure. And that is the exact moment where Eli excels: when the game is on the line and the pressure is at it's greatest. In his brief career he has shown that when the chips are down, he is going to get the job done and lead his team to victory, and this is why I believe he deserves the contract he has been given. I look forward to many more years of greatness, and hopefully a few more Super Bowl Championships, from Eli Manning, the great quarterback who lives in the great state of New Jersey.

Megan Hauserman is Satan

Yesterday I returned to real life, back from the glory that was the 4th Annual Summer Camp. It was a wondrous weekend filled with extreme tubing, bonfires, deep fried everything, STA, softball, Drunkards of the Round Table, Natural's Iciest, BL Smooth Dogs, The Banquet Beer, Keystone's Lightest, Pabst Bluiest Ribbon, and most importantly, the greatest group of friends a guy could ever ask for. It was quite the high I needed to come down from, so I decided to aid the process of quitting Summer Camp cold turkey by catching up on some weekend television. I watched Hung, which continues to be just good enough for me to keep coming back. Entourage was next, which was very entertaining as always. And finally, there was Megan Wants a Millionaire, which has taken the Sunday night time slot that Daisy of Love was previously holding on VH1. I had promised myself I would never watch that show, because I hate Megan Hauserman with a fiery passion that is rivaled only by my hatred of the Eagles, Cowboys, and Redskins. But I watched it anyway, and the following is a completely biased review of this complete waste of a production budget.

Let me begin by giving you a little background on Megan Hauserman. She is a Playboy model who first began her reality-show career on Beauty and the Geek, where she apparently learned nothing because she is ridiculously stupid. She then moved on to Rock of Love 2, where Bret Michaels made the best decision of his life to kick out this bumbling idiot. The appropriately named I Love Money came next, where she managed to lose even though the only thing she cares about in this world is, in fact, money. Hauserman then moved on to Rock of Love: Charm School, where they took the biggest bitches from Rock of Love and tried to turn them into reformed bitches. It ultimately did not work as she is still a bitch. And now finally, she is starring in her 5th reality show, Megan Wants a Millionaire. She is an attention slut obviously, and she must be whoring herself out to some executive at VH1 to be getting on all of these shows. I think I'm going to puke

The basic premise of the show is like all other VH1 dating shows, only this time the men competing for Megan's "heart" must have a net worth of at least 1 million dollars so they can buy her whatever she wants. So the first thing we've learned is that she is the epitome of a gold-digger, and you will find her photo in the dictionary when you look up that word. The second thing we learn is that she is too stupid to carry her own reality show, as VH1 had to hire a Ricky Gervais-wannabe butler to provide narration, seeing as she is incapable of forming complete sentences and can only utter dumb blonde noises that make me want to pass a kidney stone.

We then get introduced to the men who will be competing for her signature on a pre-nup, which led me to the following conclusion: the only rich guys who are mentally challenged enough to come on this show are actually a group of the biggest losers you will ever meet. It really doesn't matter how much money you have when you're as low on the Totem Poll of Live as these guys are. Megan awkwardly meets all of them, all while holding her stupid little chihuahua and being taller than all of the guys except 1 or 2. Keep in mind that we're only about 5 minutes in, and this is already the worst show I've ever seen on TV. Hauserman then introduces us to her two best friends who may actually be dumber than her: Brandi C, who is another VH1 show slut, and Cecille, her best friend who has roughly 78% of the world's supply of collagen injected in her lips (Daisy de la Hoya of course has the other 22%). The three of them together is like watching paint dry or grass grow, only if the paint and grass made you want to gouge out your eyeballs and eat them in a soup of shit.

The rest of the show goes typically how all other VH1 dating shows go, with the guys picking fights with each other, Megan herself trying to get to know them, and her finally eliminating a few of them so as to cut the fat. If it was me eliminating them, I would have cut them all, then blown up the mansion so that no trace of this show ever existed. But it wasn't me there, so she eliminated them with the idiotic catch phrase, "Your credit has been denied." Those elimination catch phrases are usually pretty bad, but this one takes the cake as being the most brainless of them all. I'm literally running out of PC words to use here as insults for this show.

Now at this moment I've decided that I will use a rating system, like stars or thumbs up/down, to rate things. When I review your show or movie or whatever, you will get between 0 and 5 Eli Manning Faces, because he is really cute and I would like to incorporate him into my blog wherever possible. So without further ado, I give you first ever Eli Manning Face Rating System Grade, this time for Megan Wants a Millionaire:

Eli Manning Faces:

That's right, I can't even show you what the faces look like, because this shows get zero of them. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I feel like my life has actually taken a turn for the worse by watching this show, and now I have to go into rehab to try and recover. It is truly one of those times when you spend an hour of your life that you will never get back; an hour of your life you will regret forever. If you watch this show, you will become dumber, and I am never watching this show again for fear of self-mutilation. Megan Hauserman, I can honestly say you are the worst person in the world, and you are starring in the worst show in the world. Please loyal readers, I beg you - do not watch this show. Ever.