2011 MLB Preview!

They always say in the commercials that if you have a erection that lasts longer than 4 hours you should get immediate medical attention. Well call 9-1-1 because today was Opening Day and my pants are TIGHT! Opening Day is literally the happiest day of the year, the day when our national pastime comes back to entertain us night after night from now until early November. So as I sit here watching ESPN's nightcap between the Giants and Dodgers, I figured, why not crank out a season preview? Might as well piggyback on last year's complete failure and embarrassment and once again tell you which teams to run to Vegas and not bet on. And no, doing a preview while already having seen a handful of games for this season is not cheating.

NL East

1) Philadelphia Phillies
Their offense is old and decrepit except for Ryan Howard, but if you throw him nothing but curveballs he'll strike out 537 times this year. But they've got that ridiculous staff, so it's hard not to pick them, as much as it pains me.
2) Atlanta Braves (Wild Card)
Deep pitching staff, deep lineup, and a potentially great bullpen if Jonny Venters and Craig Kimbrel do what we all think they'll do. Can absolutely be a 90 win team.
3) Florida Marlins
Should be a feisty competitor, and all 18 of their fans will be excited about it.
4) Washington Nationals
I'd probably pick them 3rd if Stephen Strasburg's arm wasn't already ruined, but they have potential. Decent lineup anchored by a fantasy favorite of mine, Ryan Zimmerman.
5) New York Mets
The Fighting Madoffs are just one big ball of bad news. Looking for some entertaining Minor League Baseball this year? Head out to Citi Field!

NL Central

1) Chicago Cubs
Upset pick! But my picks are always wrong, so this more or less amounts to false hope for the South Siders.
2) Milwaukee Brewers
Potentially really good starting staff is already hit with injury issues, and I don't trust their bullpen. But they'll be sending that yellow-bearded brewmaster down the big slide plenty.
3) St. Louis Cardinals
Lost Adam Wainwright for the season, but they still have the best player in baseball in Albert Pujols, so that has to keep them in contention, right?
4) Cincinnati Reds
My pick for the team that surprised last year who will inevitably fail the following year because the previous year was a fluke. This of course means they'll probably win the World Series.
5) Houston Astros
I'd put them in last place but for the sake of my brother's sanity I'll move them up a notch!
6) Pittsburgh Pirates
Good young core, but.... Hey only 5 months until Steelers training camp! Oh wait, might not be any NFL this year... ummmm, at least Pittsburghians still have the french fry sandwiches!

NL West

1) Colorado Rockies
Lot to like here. Carlos Gonzalez and Troy Tulowitzki are absolute studs, and Ubaldo Jimenez can win a Cy Young. Plus who doesn't love playoff baseball in the snow?
2) San Francisco Giants
Their young arms threw a ton of innings in their World Championship season a year ago, so one of them is going to break down. Tom Verducci says so.
3) Los Angeles Dodgers
They'll be ok, but when they need mid-season reinforcements they won't get them because the owner will be busy spending his last couple of bucks makin' it rain at the strip club after his wife soaks him for all he's worth in the divorce. Plus fans who don't bother to show up to games until the 3rd inning and then leave in the 7th don't deserve a good team.
4) San Diego Padres
They may only score 11 total runs this entire year. It's a shame they used 5 of them today.
5) Arizona Diamondbacks
Move along, nothing to see here.

AL East

1) New York Yankees
Big bounce-back years from Derek Jeter and Gay-Rod, their bullpen is the best in baseball, and they'll trade for a frontline starter at the deadline. Nothing to worry about.
2) Boston Red Sawcks
Lackey, Beckett and Dice-K all suck. Papeldouche sucks. And we'll see if Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez can actually handle the media and fan pressure that comes with playing in an actual sports town. No guarantee that they can. How are they winning 100 games again?
3) Tampa Bay Rays
Despite losing the aforementioned Crawford and Carlos Pena, they still have a really good lineup, as well as a potential Cy Young winner in David Price. It's a shame nobody cares about them.
4) Baltimore Orioles
Even though he's running his mouth like he's in an AND1 Mix-Tape, Buck Showalter will have this team playing hard. They'll be respectable. Plus they get bonus points for having the best stadium in baseball.
5) Toronto Blue Jays
Lots of potential at the top of their rotation and they'll hit home runs, but... seriously? Canada? Come on now.

AL Central

1) Minnesota Twins
They always find a way. Mauer, Morneau and Nathan will be fine, and Ron Gardenhire is arguably the best manager in baseball.
2) Detroit Tigers (Wild Card)
As long as Miguel Cabrera is sober he'll be an MVP candidate, plus they have one of the best pitchers in the league in Justin Verlander. The people of Detroit have to have SOMETHING good going for them right?
3) Chicago White Sox
Lots to like about this team, but Ozzie Guillen will probably say something stupid again, get himself fired, and the whole season will go down in flames. I'm giving 3-1 odds on that one.
4) Kansas City Royals
They're minor league teams might go undefeated this year! But will any of those kids (I hate that I'm old enough to call them kids) prove to be the real deal? Probably, but not until next year.
5) Cleveland Indians
As if God couldn't shit on Cleveland enough.

AL West

1) Oakland A's
The Giants proved last year that you can do damage with superior pitching and almost no offense, and it looks like the A's are trying to copy that formula. Their staff is potentially the best in baseball, despite the fact that Dallas Braden seems like a jack-ass.
2) Texas Rangers
They'll score a helluva lot, but will they have enough pitching? Sure, but not enough to make the playoffs. Plus their fans probably like the Cowboys, so they can suck it.
3) Anaheim Angels
They're not in Los Angeles, and I don't know why they would want to be. That place sucks. Trading for Vernon Wells tells you a lot about their current situation.
4) Seattle Mariners
Not going to make the same mistake as last year! They have King Felix, and..... rain? Ichiro is like 87 now too I think. Sorry Ian.

Playoffs - Division Series

Cubs over Phillies - UPSET ALERT!!!! Too much Fukudome for the Phils to handle.
Braves over Rockies - Atlanta kicks some ass, but still can't sell-out The Ted. What an awful sports town.
Yankees over Tigers - Sorry Detroit. No match for the Bombers.
Twins over A's - The Twins actually win a playoff series because they're not playing the Yanks.

Championship Series

Cubs over Braves - If anyone from Chicago is reading this blog (and I doubt it), they are currently cursing me.
Yankees over Twins - As I said, the Twins can only win in the playoffs if they don't play the Yanks.

World Series

Cubs over Yankees - Finally! After 103 years the Cubs win a World Series. What the hell am I thinking? I must be drunk. Somewhere Steve Bartman is crying... because I'll inevitably be wrong and the Cubbies will actually only win 68 games.

MMBF - 3/28: All is right with the world.

Hello everyone, and welcome to this edition of the Monday Morning Brain Fart, which I am writing on Tuesday night and you're probably reading on Wednesday afternoon. Fun times. Please enjoy this list of nonsense that I randomly wrote down on my iPhone's notepad as the week went along.

Oh sweet! It's the first day of spring (last Monday)! WTF! There's 2 inches of snow on the ground. Awesome. I'm going to kill that fucking groundhog. What a piece of shit liar.

So now the kick-offs in the NFL will be from the 35 instead of the 30. Just another example of the league ruining football in the name of "player safety." You know, the kind of safety that would be promoted by there being 2 extra games during the year lining the owners already well-insulated pockets. I swear we'll be watching the National Flag Football League at some point in my lifetime. I do have to say though, this rule is actually beneficial to the Giants. Maybe now Lawrence Tynes will actually be able to reach the end zone! And we always have terrible kick returners so all the touchbacks won't give them a chance to only take it out to the 17 and possibly fumble!

Bob Barker in that State Farm commercial looks like he died a few years ago, and they dug up his body, stuffed it, and shoved him in a Jersey Shore spray-tan booth. If the camera panned down I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a puppeteer with his arm up Bob's ass controlling his movements.

My thoughts on 2 weeks ago's Top Chef, which was the finale before the finale before the finale:
- No intro at all this week?! No Casey :-(
- I can't believe Antonia and Tiffany beat Blais and Mike!! With a beef salad too. Lame.
- Hot damn! Padma was looking fiiiiine in that bikini.
- Whenever the Nassau Yacht Club was on screen, I could only think of Elite Ian's future.
- The sexual innuendo of Mike asking Antonio about tasting his conch (pronounced conk) was slightly unsettling. However, I still wish they banged before they found out they were related.
- Mike Isabella is totally cleaning up! I think Blais is going to scalp him.
- Finally Tiffany goes! But at least she went down swinging, not with a bomb of a dish. Even though she doesn't deserve to win, I think I might miss her. She seems nice.

I found it hilarious that UConn women's hoops coach Geno Auriemma was complaining about the lack of fan support at their home games, saying they were spoiled with all their success and take the team for granted. Geno, no one is coming to your games because NO ONE CARES ABOUT WOMEN'S BASKETBALL, not because they're spoiled. Call me sexist, but women's basketball is boring as hell. There's only so many layups and chest passes I can take, and I'm not alone in feeling that way.

What history would sound like if Gus Johnson was always around announcing it:

Great Moments in History with Gus Johnson from Gus Johnson

And a side note - if Gus Johnson was constantly following me around, doing play-by-play on my life, I would be the happiest man on earth. I would be so much more epic than I actually am.

And now my thoughts on last week's Top Chef, the finale after the finale before the finale:
- Casey! Intro is back! THANK GOD.
- Good to see Carla in the Quickfire twist... I really liked the premise of them having to give each other their challenges/twists.
- Like I said 3 paragraphs ago, Mike Isabella is absolutely cleaning up. Blais is sweating his hot streak I think.
- Morimoto looks like he wants to kill everyone in the room while waiting to see who would pick him for the challenge.
- I totally loved how Morimoto came to dinner dressed as Splinter from Ninja Turtles.
- HOLY SHIT, THE CHALLENGE TWIST ENVELOPE! I FORGOT!
- I think we got the finale we all wanted, even though I was kinda sorta starting to like Antonia. Then I remembered she fucked over Casey, so good riddance BITCH.
- HOLY JESUS FABIO AND CASEY COME BACK THIS WEEK! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! disghlskdjhglSDnbv;oewirnv;iorwnv;ior!!!!
- My pick for Top Chef is Richard Blais. The cream always rises to the top my friends.

- Kemba Walker is the man. San Diego St. had to be kidding themselves if they thought they could stop the basketball Jesus.

- Wow. Peace Duke.

- The countdown is on! 18 YEARS UNTIL SHE IS LEGAL!!!!

My thoughts on the season finale of Jersey Shore:
- The fat dude doing the worm at Danny's BBQ is very impressive. I wish I could do that.
- Uncle Nino is a pimp.
- J-WOWWW's dad is super dweeby, very much unlike anything I expected. I bet he's super proud of what his daughter has become!
- Watching everyone's reaction while Ronnie and Sammy fight is hilarious. Unfortunately we get entirely too much of said reactions.
- How are J-WOWWW's dogs not trained? They literally just shit all over everything all day. I wish I could do that and have people laugh at me instead of being publicly ridiculed and ostracized by society.
- I'm excited for when Snooki is president because then I'll be tan. Right now I can only burn.

Saturday I went to the USA-Argentina soccer game at the new Giants Stadium. More thoughts!
- My boy from the Red Bulls, Juan Agudelo with the goal for the US! I better enjoy him this year, because I'm sure before long he'll be sold to some big European team where he can ride the bench for 5 years!
- There's no diving/flopping in America, Argentinians. You are all annoying.
- Messi is unbelievable. It literally takes 5 defenders to get the ball off of him. Totally unreal.
- I love how Clint Dempsey always looks like he wants to knife everyone, though I guess I would too if I constantly had defenders trying to break my ankles. And I do wish he actually had shanked Javier Mascherano, because that guy is the biggest bitch and biggest diver I have ever seen.
- Bob Bradley, PLEASE give it up with Demerit, Spector, Gooch... we all know what we're getting from these guys, and it's not that great. Sometimes it's terrible. What harm would there have been in playing Tim Ream? Possibly having a pass from the back completed? HOW TERRIBLE!

Leslie Visser has had WAY too much plastic surgery. I mean, I know she's old as shit, but still, her face barely moves when she talks and her mouth is formed into a permanent smile. She's like Joker without the makeup.

UConn is going to the Final Four! Kemba is my current man crush.

VCU? Really? I guess at-large 11 seeds from the Colonial Athletic Conference making the Final Four isn't that original after all, right Megan?

And finally, all is right in the world, because FANTASY BASEBALL IS BACK! There are few things I enjoy more than spending hours pouring over my rosters, proposing/making trades, taking everyone else's money when I win the league... it's just too awesome. And yes, I have a girlfriend. Why she stays with me I'll never know.

MMBF - 3/21: It's MADNESS in this March!

My most humble apologies to all 7 of you who read this blog for not providing you with your weekly dose of heaven last week. I was very busy, though that's not an excuse for making all of your lives significantly worse. So to help the cause of repairing your emotions, you get a double Brain Fart this week! You're welcome.

PART 1 - 2 WEEKS AGO

It's really funny hearing about the Heat crying after they lost one of their games 2 weeks ago (wow this is really dated huh?). I'm fairly confident that if they didn't want all the pressure, they shouldn't have had that ridiculous championship celebration BEFORE the season even began. Just a thought.

A few weeks back I posted a video about some girl who made an Angry Birds cake or something for her dad. Well, Conan O'Brien one-upped her. (Thanks Conan for sending this.)



Tiki Barber is coming out of retirement?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!. His divorce from his wife who he left WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIS TWINS FOR A YOUNG BLONDE INTERN must be absolutely soaking him. Well, that, or the fact that his TV career is in the toilet and he needs the skrilla. Either way, I'm excited for him to sign with the Redskins so we can boo the shit out of him at Giants Stadium and hurl bags of vomit at him, then watch Eli run off the sideline and choke slam his old ass at midfield, then play to the crowd, Gladiator-style. It's going to be EPIC!



In 'N Out Burger is coming closer!!!! I swear, if that place ever makes it to the tri-state area in my lifetime, I will automatically put on 600 pounds. Those burgers are one of the very few reasons to ever live in LA, and the fact that they are incrementally moving across the country towards me is most definitely cause for celebration.

I found what Charlie Sheen does in his spare time when he isn't winning:

More Call of Duty: Black Ops Videos

Speaking of Charlie Sheen, we all knew this had to happen sooner or later:



Actually, I'm kind of getting sick of him. Shit's getting old Charlie. I'm done with you.

My thought on Top Chef 2 weeks ago:

- Great to see Michael Voltaggio back in the flesh. He is so sexy.
- Speaking of sexy, Blais' scraggly 5 o'clock shadow is endearing in a homeless chic way. LOVE IT.
- Leave it to the Top Chef crew to go to another country and immediately burn their restaurants to the ground.
- Even though this wasn't the actual finale finale, it's sort of part of the finale, so I can complain about the following: I think finale challenges should be more straightforward. Just cook what you're good at. Give us your best meals. No ridiculous curveballs. Too much nonsense with the "Bahamian Royalty" in this episode.
- I thought it was funny how they put the judges at the smallest table in the whole restaurant, though it was probably really nice for the King of Whatever That Ceremony Was Called because he got to rub up against Padma. I bet he was hard.
- Blais is so self-deprecating when it comes to his food. Not sure if it's endearing or annoying yet. Leaning towards annoying.
- Carla fucked up AGAIN by doing something she's not used to - and it sent her home for the 2nd season. She needs to learn that doing what she's good at got her to where she is today, though sadly I assume she won't be getting a 3rd shot on Top Chef.
- Whenever someone else wins the challenge Richard is the first person they show and he looks like he wants to murder them in the bloodiest way possible. I'm excited for this season's outtakes when he body slams Mike Isabella and chokes him to within an inch of his life.

JJ Abrams + Coach Taylor + ALIENS! = STEVE IS GOING TO THE MOVIES!!!



Speaking of the movies, I have an early nominee for best picture next year. And by best picture, I mean BEST. MOVIE. EVER. Maybe even better than The Human Centipede?



I am literally speechless after watching that trailer. I need that movie in my life ASAP.

Went to my first Nets game at the Prudential Center in Newark. Here were my thoughts on the experience:

- They were playing the Clippers, so we got to see Blake Griffin. He is flat-out nasty. A freak of nature. Awesome to see in person.
- They have 2 mascots: Sly the Fox, and Mini Sly, who was a BALLERRRRR.



- There was a fight in the stands where the Orlando Magic dragon mascot (he was there to celebrate Sly's birthday, of course) got into a fist fight with someone in the stands. Epic.
- They had those big balloon mascots that just bounce around and smile. I love those!
- The pulled pork from the "Taste of Newark" concession stand was outstanding. Really good. Very cheap too for stadium food.
- The crowd overall was dull and lifeless, because A) there are no Nets fans, and B) they're moving soon anyway, so why should anyone care?

Jersey Shore: Ronnie is a sad puppy dog, and then he GOT PLAYED by Sammie. THE DRAMA NEVER STOPS!!!

The NFL owners are disgusting. 9 Billion dollars in profit for the NFL last year, and they still want to make more money? I couldn't be more upset with how greedy these sons of bitches are. And it's not the players who get screwed over here the most, it's the fans, who the NFL couldn't give 2 shits about. But wait. Who is it that all of the NFL's profits come from? Oh right! The fans. Go figure. Time to start looking for a college football team to follow seriously next year?

Speaking of greed, James Fucking Dolan and Madison Square Garden are raising the Knicks and Rangers ticket prices 49% and 23%, respectively for next year. Remember the Garden being one of the craziest atmosphere's ever? Where all the diehards are chanting and cheering their minds out for hours on end to root on the home team? Yeah, neither do I. All I see are a bunch of suits who couldn't give 2 shits about my beloved Rangers taking up the seats that my fellow diehards and I would actually appreciate. Awesome.

Went to the Big East Championship game at the Garden between UConn (my team, since my brother went there) and Louisville. What an insane atmosphere. Exciting game, and great win for UConn! First team in history to win 5 games in 5 days and take the Big East, which, by the way, is the best conference in the country, haters.

Went to Sarabeth's on Central Park South the other day for brunch. Absolutely delicious french toast, but like most other things in the city, it's too froofy, pretentious, and really overpriced. Just go to the Pancake Factory in Jersey City instead and thank me later.

Got MLB 11: The Show for my PS3 the other day. If you love video game baseball like myself, you need this game. It is TITTIES.

And here is where I would give you my team for the NCAA Tournament that I am going to ride all the way to millions of dollars in winnings, but seeing as the tournament is all the way to the Sweet 16 already, that would be pointless. If I had done this Brain Fart when I was suppose to, you would know that my team for this year was Louisville. What did they do? Lost in the first round. Asshats.

PART 2 - LAST WEEK

Well, this is one way to stop a kid from bullying you. Kids who play Magic: The Gathering at lunch time, take note.

I love how much of a joke the Mets are, yet am already ridiculously tired of hearing about their issues on the radio. People are worried about the Yankees having starting pitching problems, but RA DICKEY IS THE METS NUMBER 2 STARTER. Yep. You heard it right. Read that again if you need to. That right there is an actual starting pitching problem. RA. Dickey. Har har. But ESPN radio and WFAN need to find new things to talk about other than the Mets. It's one thing to be discussing Chris Capuano's chances of making the roster on one channel, but when the other channel is interviewing him AT THE SAME TIME, they need to be stopped. It's Chris Capuano. Stop the madness.

It's obvious that I am on the player's side because of how disgusted I am with the owners in our little NFL dispute, but assholes like Adrian Peterson make it harder and harder every day. The other day in a radio interview, he said playing in the NFL is the equivalent to "modern day slavery." Really Adrian? I had no idea that slaves made 11 million dollars a year back in the 1800s! Why the hell did the Civil War ever happen then if slaves were making so much money? It's weird how my history classes in school passed over that convenient fact. Maybe we should all be slaves so we could be rich!!! .... Adrian, you're an idiot.

I showed you Lady Gaga's new video a few weeks back and talked about how she wants to start a cult. But to fully illustrate the point to you, I should have made this video (Thanks to Holly from LA for her submission!):



RIP Nate Dogg. You made most 90s rap songs way better than they ever should have been. Who is going to save Warren G now when they've got guns to his head, he thinks he's going down, and he can't believe this is happening in his own town?

I don't normally get caught up in cute youtube videos, but this was too much to handle (Thanks to the Loobster):



This past Thursday and Friday The Stallion and I finally took part in something we had been dreaming about for 2 years: taking off from work the first 2 days of the NCAA tournament, drinking a lot, and watching every basketball game. It. Was. AWESOME. The icing on the cake was of course that Thursday was St. Patrick's Day, which is my second favorite holiday after Thanksgiving. So because it was such a momentous day, my lovely girlfriend treated us all to the following feast:

Corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots and irish soda bread (MY FAVORITE!):



And green Rice Krispie Treats:



Which we then washed down with Guinness and Shamrock Shakes (Thank you Scotty):



It was a feast for a king, which was then followed by an amazing concert by the one and only Dan Mills. If you have no idea who he is, click on the link and get a life.

Friday we watched basketball all day at a bar, so I drank more beer and crammed buffalo wings into my face all day. Some basketball observations: 1) The George Mason - Villanova game was insanely exciting. My woman went to Mason, so suffice it to say we were excited about the win. 2) Fuck you Louisville.

The Red Bulls are back!! And this year, Megan, Scotty and I have season tickets 4 rows off the field. Boo yah. They began the season with a big 1-0 over Seattle which will hopefully set the tone for another successful year. A few observations:
- The Harrison PATH station still sucks. Why couldn't they have put another entrance in during the offseason. The bottle neck of thousands of fans into the station after the game is ridiculous.
- Did they really need to clog up everyone during the walk-up to the game too? I never thought overcrowding at the stadium entrance was a problem last year.
- The concession stands are still PAINFULLY slow. Woulda thought that they'd have that figured out by now.
- Juan Agudelo is an absolute beast. Big kid, really fast. Very impressive to see in person. And his goal was a thing of beauty. Plus, he's only 18 years old. It'll be fun when he gets signed by a big European club in 2 years and sits the bench for them.

I'm sure you've all heard that atrocious Rebecca Black song, "Friday" by now and wanted to rip your ears out and kill Scotty because of it. But as you expected, there are a million spoofs of the song. Here is my favorite (Thanks Big Sexy). It really does the song justice, I think.



It's disgusting how much the NHL and the referees suck the Pittsburgh Penguins schlongs. Seriously, how could Kris Letang not go to the box when he punched Ryan McDonough right in the face after McDonough pushed him??? And it was McDonough who got the penalty!! Unreal. And that scumbag Matt Cooke better get suspended for a year for his elbow to McDonough's head. He is such a shit. I wonder what Mario Lemieux will say now about head shots since he not only has the league's biggest douche on his team, but he made him an Associate Captain? But for all the bullshit, the Rangers STILL beat them 5-2 yesterday! Huzzah!

More NCAA Tournament observations from the weekend: Fuck you Pittsburgh, I only had you winning the whole thing in a few brackets. And I know without a doubt that Luke Hancock of George Mason was poisoned by Ohio St. fans. He was the hero of their round 1 game. They were in Cleveland, OH. They were looking to upset Ohio St., a number 1 seed who has never won a basketball championship. It all adds up to sabotage. I demand an investigation!

And finally, since I don't want to discuss Ronnie and Sammi anymore, I'll just say this about the last Jersey Shore episode: Mad props to the "atomic bomb" who tried to dance with Pauly. She had to have known she would get made fun of like crazy on the show because of her size, but she went for the glory anyway. Respect.

MMBF - 3/7: Time for some Philly Bashing!

Good day everyone, and welcome to my next installment of the internet's most pointless blog post, the Monday Morning Brain Fart. I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend, but clearly was lucky enough to make it out alive, so please, go ahead and rejoice to yourself, quietly if you happen to presently be in a professional environment. Otherwise, crack open a few cold ones and read on.

I get the feeling that Lady Gaga is trying to start an LGBT cult. Her new video is really fucked up (though that's not surprising), but it also has this ridiculous manifesto at the beginning that makes absolutely no sense to me, and has some crazy shit with unicorns and aliens. Plus she looks ridiculous with those horns growing out of her cheeks... but yes, I still find her music absurdly catchy and it is on my iPod. Whatever.



This movie is gonna suck.



It was officially the end of an era for Jets fans this past week. Rory cried softly to himself throughout the night. Jeremiah filled up a bathtub, got in and plugged in the toaster. Even across the country Holly thought about running into traffic on the 101 during rush hour. Yes, that's right kids... Vernon Gholston was released. The Jets are never going to win another football game ever again.

Losing Marty Biron for the rest of the year SUCKS for the Rangers, so Henrik is going to have to be even better than he has been from here on out. And speaking of the Rangers, it was nice to wipe our asses with the Flyers yesterday to get our playoff push back on track. Suck it, Philly!

I have found my absolute dream job. God help the man who gets this over me.

I am addicted to Angry Birds on my iPhone... but this may be taking it a bit too far.



So I've been going to the gym recently in an (as of yet futile) attempt to lose weight and not make women run away screaming rape every time I take my shirt off. Thought I'd give you a little peek into my workout regiment:



When to the Park Avenue Tavern on 39th and Park recently. Little classy for my taste, but they had a whole section of the bar that had taps AT THE TABLES. You just sit there and pour your own beers all night long. Genius!

For some reason I was in the mood to watch Supersize Me, so I did. And then I ate a Big Mac the next day. That movie is like one long commercial for deliciousness, which may or may not have been the intended purpose.

Charlie Sheen is the greatest of Americans. I don't care what anyone else says.



My thoughts on this past week's Top Chef (finale this week!):

- I hate that they've edited down the intro so my weekly dose of Casey is lessened even more. She's so perrrty.
- Richard is an absolute genius. MRE bags in his knife kit?! Only Richard could pull of something like that.
- I thought when the mothers/wives/husbands came running up to the chefs on Ellis Island (which is in NEW JERSEY) that Blais was gonna bang right then and there and give his wife another baby to be friends with the one already in there. He needs to get some.
- Speaking of Blais' wife, Jazmin Blais sounds like either an insanely hot porn star or a character on Mortal Kombat (thanks Best Week Ever) that finishes you with some sort of blazing inferno.
- It's a shame that Mike and Antonia didn't bang earlier in the show so that A) things would be SUPER awkward now, and B) they could have some sweet inbred children.
- Prior to elimination, I thought that if all the dishes were equal, Tiffany should go home based on past results. Well, all the dishes were equal... and I still think the same thing. Cop-out decision by the judges.
- I was about to leap into the TV and stab Padma when she played that bullshit and pretended to send Richard home... but then I would have broken Cordes' TV, so I didn't do that. You're welcome, Bryan.

The BYU honor code, which that bro on the basketball team broke by smashing out his girlfriend, is absolute insanity. No tea? How can you not allow someone to drink tea? I would imagine Provo, Utah is somewhere you can go if you're allergic to Starbucks chains.

They're making an energy drink out of the byproducts of my roommate's sexual escapades (picture of roommate below).



This is about as ironic as it gets.

This article by Bill Simmons is a must-read if you're as pissed off at the NFL owners and their insane greed as I am. It's a little long but it shows how the owners couldn't give two shits about the fans, who just happen to be the people who give them the insane amount of money they already have. Go figure.

I can't get enough of how on Jersey Shore Vinny's dick is nicknamed Moby Dick. That has to be the ultimate complement right? I also always enjoy when 2 couples are hooking up in the same room at the same time. No time for shame! WE JUST GOTTA GET IT IN BRO! But I do have this question: Why do they continuously have to censor the poop in the clogged toilet? Who doesn't love a good poop shot?

Watched Independence Day over the weekend. The President's speech is the single greatest speech made by an organic life form in the history of being.



As I said earlier, I was in Filthadelphia this past weekend for the Philly Craft Beer Fest. It was there that I discovered that Hometown Brewery makes a beer called New Jersey Ale. Clearly this is now my favorite beer ever. Speaking of the Beer Fest though... seriously? There were only 4 urinals for the whole festival? Typical Philly. Dumbasses. I thought I was a chick for a second because the guy's line was so damn long. Think that kinda shit happens in Jersey? No way.

People in Philly suck at driving. Yes, I know I could have stopped that sentence at "suck." Also, the road layouts in that city are stupid. It's like they were designed by some idiot who had to diarrhea in the worst way but was contractually obligated to finish the maps before he could go sit on the throne.

And finally, as most of you know that there are 2 main, institutional cheesesteak joints in Philly: Pat's and Geno's. And since the folks of Filthadelphia are too dumb to figure out which one is better, I figured I would do it on my own, seeing as I am the Chef of the Century and my opinions on food (and everything else for that matter) are 100% fact. So here we go:

First stop:



And here is their cheesesteak sandwich:



As you can see, I only put my ketchup on half of it so that A) I could taste at least half in it's natural form, and B) so you could see it without globs of blood all over it (I did this at Pat's too). I also always ordered Cheese Whiz and onions, which seems to constitute the traditional cheesesteak. The steak was not chopped up, but instead large, thin slices. Meat was kinda chewy. Not too much cheese whiz either, actually, which was surprising. Next!



And here is Pat's cheesesteak sandwich:



This one had way more meat on it, and the steak was chopped up, so it wasn't as chewy as the Geno's steak. They also put way more cheese whiz on it. So even though the Pat's steak was a sloppier eating experience (probably due to the increased amount of meat and whiz), it was definitely better. Not to mention cheaper.

Philly Cheesesteak Verdict: Pat's King of Steaks makes the better cheesesteak. There Philly, I just solved something that you still haven't figured out in like 80 years. And since I just ate both in a row, I seriously need to puke.
Sub-Verdict: I've had better cheesesteaks at the Jersey Shore, not to mention in many other places around New Jersey. That's right. I went there. Suck it, Philly.